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Dealing with boys - a log 1 I thought I was getting crazy. As a single mother, I really had a hard time handling my two boys. They were six and ten back then, running after each other, shouting, fighting, hitting and crying. This energy, and this rage gave me a real hard time. And so often I felt like collapsing as a mother. Some of my friends had daughters. And their lives seemed to be completely different. I studied the interactions between mother and girl. The little one was sitting quietly right next to her mother, smiling and with movements and facial expressions asking for the parents' approval. In contrast, my guys seemed to decide everything by themselves. And I kept running after them trying to calm them down. There just had to be done something with this. And I was so fascinated by these families having daughters. Were these differences relying on genetics alone? Or could there be different approaches and upbringings? I have to be honest. I always wanted girls. But as a responsible parent, I kept telling myself that I had to appreciate the two princes, or should we say Vikings, in my home. I pondered these questions for several years without knowing where to start. In fact, some years ago I bought my sons Elsa and Ann dresses to see what happened. The reaction was astonishing. After twirling around for half an hour until they got nauseous, they calmed down and watched the Frost movie. And they wore the dresses until bedtime without one single quarrel. I have blamed myself ever since for not starting my changed approach earlier. It was first after a period of depression I decided to action. I admit the idea was absurd and difficult to explain to others. And I have felt lonely through the whole process. But I have never regretted doing what I did. And I realize that both my kids and I have profited from this remarkable journey. So now I have decided to share my experiences with others. Luckily, I wrote a log to describe what happened all along. And I have been careful to write it in a way that made it possible to be published later on. To make it easier for you dear reader, I will make an overview over the persons involved: Me: I am Rachel, 35, a lawyer and mother of the two boys that have different fathers. For various reasons, I have decided not to live with any of these men. Together with my brother, I am the owner of a law company with several employed lawyers doing most of the work. It was founded by my late father who passed away only 51 years old. My younger brother is well aware of the challenges I have with my kids, and he is and he is generous enough to let me work only as a supervisor for the employees. I don't have direct responsibility for any legal cases. And still, I am economically pretty well off. I am a feminist, but not politically very active. The unfair distribution of power between the sexes has always challenged me. And I think there is something with the hypermasculine psychology that needs to be changed in boys. At first I had not got far with this principle towards my own sons. I hate force and punishment, and I love rewards and encouragement. I have a secret that can be difficult to talk about, not because it is wrong, but because it can be misunderstood: I never stopped breastfeeding my two boys. To the three of us it is only a natural ting. And I think we are all addicted to it in a way. The boys cherish these moments once a day and have tried to make me breastfeed more often. Boobing time and sleep were the only two periods during the day when these two warriors kept quiet. So, I have not been very tempted to stop. Jack: My oldest kid. I gave my children names having in mind that they one day might be altered or used according to a different gender identity. And a certain wife of a president crossed my mind back then. Jack was ten years when we started the change. He is a quite smart little person, but his teacher had problems with him making too much noise in the classes. And he has started some fights with his friends resulting in shiners or epistaxis. I don't know why this happened. Deep inside he is shy and not very self-secure. And I know that when I tell him something, he doesn't forget my opinions. Finley: My youngest kid has not been as rebellious as Jack. And he has always been a bit softer and more dependent. But he has been easily influenced by his brother which used to tease him all the time. When I started changing my upbringing strategy, he was six, and all into insects. And we used to go for a picnic with a hoof for Finley to catch his cherished creatures. Finley is mor spontaneous and extrovert than Jack. Alice: My beloved mother. She is now 60 and my best friend. Mom is very understanding, and she has never criticized me for not handling my boys. After trying to babysit, she knows how difficult they have been. I never forget her face expressions when I used to pick them up at her place. Among few people, she also knows about my breastfeeding. And she supports it because she observes the effect it has on my boys. The children can lie peacefully across both our laps and suck my nipple. And mum pats them on the cheek and enjoys the moment with us. How I love her! Meredith: Women's hairdresser. My old friend from high school. She has a family on her own with husband, two girls and one son. She is so patient with me, and I love her very much. Meredith is one of the few that know about my breast feeding of big boys. And now the diary: 2018 February 23. Dear diary! This is the first day of the big change, and I have my mind set on carrying it through. I have bought two books for my boys which I intended to read for them. In any case, they don't have the time to read them alone. And because of their four-year age difference, they need different books. I started with announcing to Jack that I was going to read for him. He wasn't very interested. Then I patted his stomach and asked if his belly would like some milk. And like magic he held his arms around me and pressed his face to my bosom. Then he took my hand and guided me to the coach. He sat right in front of me and started to unbutton my blouse as he has been doing for some time. Like always, I put his head gently on a pillow, so I didn't need to carry his head with my arms. Then I demanded eye contact. If you want to entrust your breast to a tiger, it is wise to take some precautions. I put my little finger in his mouth to check that he didn't bite and suck too strong. Then I patted his cheek with my middle finger to signal that I was ready. Then he sucked my nipple very gently this time. I started to read from "The boy with the dress". Usually, he shuts his eyes while nursing. And he may make some cuddling noises. But as I was reading, he started to watch me with his eyes as if he was listening. Then he let go of my nipple and sat down in the couch. I could read for him an hour while he was staring into the air. Something similar happened to Finley. He didn't need nursing to listen. And he was just as fascinated by his book "My shadow is pink." Jack came to listen too while I was reading to Finley. And wanted to see the illustrations. This day gave med confidence. The books seemed to strike a nerve in both boys. And I was so pleased to be reinstalled as at mother and not a victim of these wonderful little kids. February 25. Jack proclaimed to Finley today that boys can wear dresses. It came just out of the blue, but I know it was connected to the book we have been reading. Finley answered that some boys have pink shadows. I asked Jack if he would like to wear a dress. He was obviously embarrassed by the question and replied that he meant some other boys than him. I just left the subject there knowing it would come up again later. I needed to go slow here. February 26. I have discussed my intentions with my mother on phone. She is always so friendly and understanding but had some difficulties with my plan. So, I had to explain more in detail. I told her I had no idea where this would end but hoped that both boys could improve their skills and behaviour due to our initiatives. We both agreed that boys need more femininity in their lives. And we had a plan: In the boys' hearing, we were both supposed to emphasize the beauty of femininity. February 28. Mom came over to have dinner with us. The house was noisier than ever, but we managed to be seated all four around the table. Finley tried to empty his plate by putting all what was left of the meal in one spoonful. None of us criticised him for that. But mom told us about a cute girl she had met. This girl sat still and filled her spoon only half full every time before putting it in her mouth. And she had beautiful hair and a cute dress. The boys seemed to listen. - I just love dresses," mom told us. March 1. - Who wants to paint my nails? I had spread newspaper all over the table to avoid any spill. And then I placed all my nail varnish bottles in the middle of it. The boys seemed confused. They had never done anything like this. - What's up mom? I knew it was going to be a mess, so I dressed the kids in black plastic garbage bags with openings for their heads and arms. Then I sat down with both hands on the table and told them I needed assistance with the manicure. And I let them choose the colours, Finley on my right and Jack on my left hand. This was obviously exciting. Finley thought all possible colours on the same hand would be nice. Jack hesitated and meant that pink was appropriate on all fingers. And then we got started, Finley first. As expected, there was nail polish everywhere. Jack had better motor skills and applied the pink nail polish much more precisely. Then I told them we needed to sing both verses of God save the queen ten times before I could use my hands. That took endlessly long, and Finley was out of sight long before we had sung it the second time. So we stopped singing, and I used the rest of the waiting time to interview Jack about his preferences in nail polish colours. Why did he like pink the best? I tried to get eye contact with him, and I held both his hands while asking. He just replied that pink looked........OK. I asked him if he would like pink nails as well. But then he just ran away. Well, at least I tried, and I didn't want to push it longer this time. March 2. I have started daily nail inspections of the boys before school. Nails are to be kept neat. And it is unhygienic with dirt under the nails. So, they need to scrub them before school, if necessary. March 4. Breastfeeding time with Jack. I had that morning painted my nails with the pink colour he liked. I usually whisper while nursing my kids. I try to keep it a sacred and calm moment with a special closeness between us. And I don't ask them questions while they are sucking. I just whisper them how sweet they are. When the nipple is out and they still are in the nursing position with the nipple resting on their cheek, I look them in the eyes and caress them with my fingers. - See what colour my nails are today, Jack? He nodded. - Do you like the pink nails? First there was no reaction. Then he nodded slowly. - You can have pink nails too, you know. He smiled and shut his eyes. March 6. I decided I wanted my kids to join mom and me in making dinner. And I purchased two hot pink aprons, clearly meant for girls, but not very elaborate. I wanted something feminine for them, but not items they would refuse to wear. And I told mom the aprons were gifts from her. The boys are not that likely to reject something from grandma. When I opened the packages, I said "Look how nice these are. Grandma has good taste!" They thanked her and put on the slightly girly aprons without hesitation. The kids were of course not very helpful during the dinner preparation, but they seemed to enjoy the cooking. And I told them to leave their "cute aprons" on while eating because they looked so good in them. My plan is to involve the boys more often in cooking. And of course, no kitchen work without clean hands and the pink apron. March 9. We had visitors today! One of my employees has a little boy toddler and two 6- and 9-year-old schoolgirls. I invited them over to have a nice time with these gentle people. But I also wanted my boys to get inspiration when it comes to girls' clothes and looks. The guests brought flowers, and I asked Finley to help me put them in a vase. And I asked Jack to feel the nice smell. Aren't they gorgeous, Jack? Our guest Linda wore a skirt top combination. And Lotta was in a fluffy dress that she made a twirl in. I went down on my knees, turned Jack to see the girl. - What do you think, Jack. Isn't that a wonderful dress? Jack felt the attention from the others a bit uncomfortable, but nodded to be polite. The girls joined my boys in their video games. Finley and Lotta sort of found each other. And they played with the few dolls Finley had in his room (Gotta buy him some more.) After they left, I asked Finley what he thought of Lotta's dress. And he managed to say it was cute - and blue - and new. I just loved that little chat with him. Then I asked if he would like to wear a sweet dress himself. And he said maybe - on his birthday! Then I asked Jack of his opinions on Linda's skirt which had crinolines under it and made such a cute shape. Jack is more embarrassed than his brother. So, he looked to the floor and just said he didn't know. - Nice, I guess. I realized that we needed a closer talk. I hugged him, took him to the couch and offered my milk. Breastmilk softens him up. It never fails. I still wore my formal dress. It has some silver chains in the front panel, and he had more work this time in opening it. He put the cushion under his head and enjoyed his little meal from me. After a while I lifted my breast out of his mouth and whispered how he was doing. Then he looked at me and said in his most childish way: - I liked Lindas skirt, mom. I liked it very much. I was so pleased and said with the softest voice possible: - Sweetie, you can wear as many dresses and skirts you like. Because you will look terrific in them. He shut his eyes and turned his face away from me. Then he said in an annoyed voice: - Mom! March 12. - Why do women paint their nails, mom? - We like to look pretty, darling! And many men wear nail polish too. He has obviously been thinking. I used the opportunity and held him closer to me. - Let me paint your nails, Jack! Then you can see how nice you look. Jack paid interest in the floor again, clearly shy and embarrassed. I finally got a nod, the most explicit statement possible right now. - I don't think we should go for Finley's rainbow choice. You like the pink colour. I know it. Then I applied a distinct pink colour to his nails. He was more patient than ever. And I tried to keep eye contact with him while he waited for the varnish to dry. - How do you like the smell? - It smells like women. - Do you feel like a girl, Jack? Long pause - I feel strange - and nice - Look how beautiful your hands are! Finley entered the room. He saw what we were doing and immediately demanded the same treatment with the same colour. That is so typical. Due to the influence Jack has on Finley, I try to concentrate my work on Jack. And then Finley copies him. Now, Finley got his own nail polish and was pleased with it. That night before bedtime I nursed Finley who usually takes the right breast. For the first time he held my breast with his little pink decorated fingers. I felt we were on the right track. March 15. The boys kept their nail polish during the weekend. And I could observe how they almost startled every time they watched their hands, especially Jack. I held one of his hands and kissed the back of it. - Every time I see your beautiful hands, Jack, I feel I want to hold them. He didn't comment on that. But he started clinging to me as he studied his cute nails. He hadn't behaved like that in many years. Already after a couple of weeks these behavioural changes had occurred. And I was again strengthened in my belief that we were doing something right. April 13. We have continued the nail painting after school and during weekends. And we have every morning removed the colour as a part of the nail inspection. To my joy Jack chose a darker red colour after a while. I see it as a statement of femininity. He has even once or twice forgotten to remove it before soccer play. The boys have continued to join the cooking while wearing their pink aprons. And grandma has boasted a lot about their appearance. I have started to exchange their undies with plain white girl's knickers. The only difference from the old ones is that these don't have a fly. And they are softer and more comfortable to wear. I just hope they will use them without comments. It is my job every evening to select clothes for them to wear the next day. And the knickers are the only change in their closet until now. I am not sure if they have discovered that they wear feminine undies. And I am not going to tell them either. I will continue to do small changes in feminine direction until one of them comments it. Then we will take it from there. It is actually pretty exciting. April 22. - My new undies are different, mom. Finally, Jack comments it. Finley has not discovered anything yet. - Yes, they are especially comfortable, darling. He didn't reply. I have put in some soft tank tops too in their closets. Next step would be camisoles. I try to speak in a language like a mother would do to her daughter. There are several words that males seldom use. - There are other gorgeous undies that have sweet colours too. But I haven't bought them yet. Silence. I just love that Jack doesn't protest. April 27. We still do the nail procedure. But today Finley demanded applying the polish by himself. Of course, it wasn't very successful which he also realized when he saw the pink colour spilled everywhere. I admired my own patience, and Finley allowed himself to be persuaded to let me continue the painting. Jack has practiced a lot with me. During the nursing today, I whispered to Jack that he could start applying the nail polish all by his own. I talked to him as if he was going to do it in the future: - Darling, you need to learn this. Mom can't be with you every day the rest of your life. Then I let him have his own varnish and nail polish remover in his room. I have bought him some new bottles of different red and pink colours just for him. And there is a shiny colourless polish among them meant for school. All the bottles were wrapped in cute paper from the perfumery. I usually spray the paper with perfume from the different test bottles in the shop. May 3. Both boys have now several white tank tops and knickers in their closets. And I gradually let the new clothes replace the old ones. Today I went a step further and bought a pair of pink cotton boxers with a bow in the waistline and lace around the leg openings. I placed I on Jack's chair in his room, ready to be worn today. This was the most girly item he had in his possession since the one-time-event with the Elsa dress. I was expecting a reaction, but surprisingly heard nothing. May 12 The boys are still loud and active. But they are not quarrelling quite as much. I don't know why. The days are a little bit easier, and the girl project experiment provides me with energy and optimism. Jack is now doing his manicure silently in his room. It is quite new that he can do anything at all without making a lot of noise. He could have stopped this several weeks ago, but continues to choose between different shades of pink and red. I have encouraged him to use the colourless one to school, but it still seems a bit difficult. Finley too accepts nail polish. But he demands that I apply green, yellow and purple varnish on his nails. I think both boys are enjoying their new look. And I can see how they watch their hands. I still don't know how deep this goes. Perhaps they will protest one day and return to zero. May 22 Both boys have only a few boy undies left in their closets. I bought 10 new knickers for each on mail order, and they are so girly with Hello Kitty, My little pony and Elsa symbols. Only on days of PE I lay out boy's briefs on their chairs. Jack has three silky camisoles in his closet but covers them with blue and boyish sweatshirts. There are remarkably few comments, but I am sure that Jack sees what he's wearing.. Finley, on the other hand, is probably less conscious about this. He just accepts mom's choices, at least until now. I have been questioning whether I should talk about this subject or just keep on surfing on the good wave. But I am so curious of what is going on in Jack's head. I couldn't help myself and decided to bring up the topic in the breastfeeding cuddle time. While Jack was still sucking, he held both his manicured hands around my breast. He had his eyes closed. While the nipple still was in his mouth, I told him that his pink nails were so nice and that he did the nail painting very well. He smiled a little bit. He finished his sucking and released the nipple. With my finger I smoothed the small drop of milk he had on his cheek. While he still had my breast resting on his cheek, I chose to ask: - Aren't your new pink undies, sweet Jack? Mom thinks they suit you very well. You need some more colours in your wardrobe, you know. He was visibly a bit shy, but not as much as he used to when such topics were discussed. He looked me directly into the eyes. And that is a good sign. - Can boys have such girly undies, mom? - Of course, they can my darling. There nothing such as girly or boyish. What you like, you can wear. Do you want me to find more cute undies for you? He nodded while looking me into the eyes. That was a strong statement that he enjoyed the feminine journey we had started. - Nobody can see them under my pants, mom. - I know sweetie. Maybe some day you can show others that you like colours. Some have already seen your cute nails, you know. And nothing happened. I was keeping in mind that he had been to the soccer training with red nails. June 2. I am impressed with Jack's ability to maintain his nail routines. He has red nails every afternoon and weekend. And I have seen some hints of feminine movements. He can stand in front of the mirror, spread his fingers, and hold them to his cheek. It's so cute. I've also seen him go through the drawers in his closet and hold up his panties to find the right one for the day. A friend was visiting, and then Jack deliberately chose not to remove the nail polish. And he got a lot of praise from me for that. His grandmother often brags about his cute nails, and it seems to stick. June 16. None of the boys have cut their hair for several months. And they look rather messy. Today I put them in front of the dressing table and brushed their hair extra thoroughly. And then I told them that both needed a trim. I thought I believed that men's hairdressers are no good at long hair. So, I said I would make an appointment with my friend Meredith. Jack looked at me with a concerned look, but neither boy said anything. June 18. I called Meredith. She is as much a friend as a hairdresser to me. And I have cried many times in the hairdresser's chair because of how difficult it was to handle the boys. She has tried to comfort me and make suggestions for changes, but I haven't been able to carry anything through. In this phone, she probably noticed that something had changed. I am certainly brighter and more optimistic now. I dared to tell about the nail polish and the panties. And she heard about the little change that had taken place at home. I think she was surprised by my new strategy, but at the same time was supportive because she heard I was doing better. This was the first time I wanted to bring the boys to her, which she thought was exciting. I was hoping she could use her experience with long hair on girls and do something nice on my boys. Because they appreciate being pretty. I think she got the hint. June 25 The boys knew Meredith from before but had never been to her salon. So, they wondered why they were going there. I explained that she was particularly clever, especially with long hair. And that explanation seemed to hold true for them. The salon was in the city centre, so we needed some time to find a parking lot. The appointment with Meredith was in the middle of the salon's opening hours. Several hairdressers were active with hair washing. My boys inhaled the unfamiliar scent of a hairdressing salon and sat surprisingly nicely in the waiting area. And the stereo played some soft music with John Mayer. Wisely, Meredith started with Finley. Because he is the most impatient. Finley is also the most extrovert of the two. He found this exciting and asked Meredith how fast her car was going. He wasn't too impressed that her Volkswagen was going slower than the barber's Jaguar. Meredith said he had nice hair and that he should grow it longer. Because then she could make more hairstyles. I felt an inner happiness. Meredith had understood what was needed. Finley has dark wavy hair that now reaches almost to his shoulders. And she just cut away what was uneven so that he had straight edges. And then he got a new cute bangs. Finley let his head slide from side to side, nodded and said it was OK. Afterwards he received a small prize which was a small imitation silver ring with a stone. He had probably expected a car but put the ring on his finger without being too disappointed. Jack's hair is straight and lighter blond than Finley's. He carefully sat up in his chair, clearly shy and anxious. Meredith quickly picked up on his anxiety and tried to counter it by saying how nice his hair was. She asked if he had been saving his beautiful hair for a long time. But he shook his head and said that it was mum who controlled everything that had to do with hair. Meredith smiled and said he was getting big enough to take care of his hair himself. And since he had such fine hair, there were thousand possibilities to look nice. In order not to embarrass him, she tried to avoid the most feminine expressions. Jack's hair is about the same length as Finley's - not very long. She brushed his hair carefully and held it out to the sides to see what options he had. And then she checked how long it could get in the future. - We're are approaching summer. You need a nice summer hairstyle, I think. Then she made a simple bob with bangs. She sprayed his hair with water and used the blow dryer to create a curve towards her neck. Jack was speechless when he saw the result. Because he viewed a 10-year-old cute girl in the mirror. He couldn't get a word out. I bragged about the hairstyle. - How nice you've become! I told you Meredith was good! She tells us to let your hair grow. And we will go for that, won't we! Meredith looked already forward to the kids' return. There were so many nice things she could imagine doing with their awesome hair. On the way back Finley asked if his hairdo was expensive. Because she cut almost nothing of his hair! Jack had really been given something to think about. His silence was noticeable and only Finley spoke on the way home. I tried to ask Jack about his experience of this, but he only answered in short words. And again, I couldn't help myself: - She made you so beautiful, you know. The important thing is to take notice of what Jack doesn't say. There were no protests. He didn't seem offended. But it was a lot for him in one day. I thought maybe we could use the breastfeeding situation to get more clarity on what he was feeling. I felt this breastfeeding was a bit extraordinary. Jack had been through something special that he couldn't quite find words for. At the same time, he seemed very peaceful at the breast. He took longer to suck. And he looked at me several times while he clearly had a cosy time. I touched his hair. - Did you know how beautiful you can be, little friend? He shook his head slowly. I held under the pillow and lifted his head with it up to my mouth as I put my breast back in the bra. Then I kissed him on the forehead and softly said "my little Jackie". It was the first time I used his girl name and he didn't object. I can't stress that enough. He quietly agreed to me using a girl's name for him. This was overwhelming both to him and to me. July 2. The new sight in this house is Jack standing in front of the mirror with a hairbrush. He turns from side to side, cutely lifts his ear with both hands and then uses a hand mirror to see himself from behind. I have encouraged him to care about his appearance. It's getting hot here and he's often in just his camisole and shorts. I think he's really gorgeous in his feminine bob style and can't help but tell him so. He was initially very wary of showing himself outdoors, but now it doesn't seem to be a problem. It looks like his mates accept his hair as a boy's hairstyle. July 14 Ouch, it's very hot. I need to find some light pants for the boys to wear with their tank tops. On the web I found some rather wide white shorts. I hope they could be a bit feminine without being skirts. They look so cute! There is a four-day delivery time. July 20 The arriving shorts were even more girly than I had imagined. And I was hesitating to put them on my boys. Because I feared they would reject them. They shorts reach mid-thigh and are extra wide. I had Finley try his on first. Help! It's like he's wearing a skirt! That is extra visible when you see them from the side. And they move a bit like skirts too while walking. Finley is not very critical. He thought they were comfortable to wear, which is clearly true. Jack has agreed to wear them indoors. And he stands even more often in the mirror with these on. But part of the meaning was that they should use them outside in the heat. So, I try to encourage him to take a few steps out of the house. July 22. Finley went out with the white shorts and sure got some comments. But he has nevertheless continued to wear them. I asked Jack if he would feel safer wearing these shorts if he had been in another city. And I got a nod. So, I dressed them in white trainers, a blue tank top with a bird symbol, the wide white shorts and took the car to a neighbouring town. There they would not get to meet any friends that could make fun of them. And it was successful. No humiliating experiences whatsoever. Jack mirrored himself in any showcase window, turned around, lifted his hands and even lifted the shorts as if they were a skirt. Sometimes the breeze blew up Jack's shorts, and he pulled them nicely down like a Marilyn Monroe. Finley wasn't equally graceful in his moves. But none of them drew much attention, and that made them feel safer. Jacks is less aggressive now and more conscious about his appearance. Strange to observe. Is he getting older?