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Dealing with boys. A log 4 My two sons Jack (11) and Finley (7) have been introduced to girly attire for over a year. Jack has friends at the skating rink that believe he is a girl. And he is soon joining a birthday party in a dress. That is quite new to him, and we need to prepare him for it. He is joining our private training program wearing narrow skirts to get the right moves. I have taken him to the clothing shop and made him relax while selecting clothes. Finley is so small that he is not joining the girl-training, but he has started to wear skirts at home. 2019 March 11. My 11-year-old son Jack is invited to a birthday which will take place in a month. And all the guests believe he is a girl. Jack has decided to join the birthday without revealing his male sex. So, we have a job to do making him a credible girl. Today I have called my mom about the matter. She asked if I was crazy and recommended that Jack told his friends about his true gender. But what is his true gender? I have long wondered if both of my boys could have a significant amount of femininity in their identity. And since I started influencing their behaviour by offering them girls' clothes a year ago, both have been surprisingly compliant. Jack had a period of protest after the New Year but has since returned about to where he was before Christmas. So, I'm starting to wonder what their real gender is. If I were to suggest that Jack tell his girlfriends that he is a boy, he might be giving up important parts of himself. And that can create a grief reaction in him. I told my mother about my concerns. And after listening to me, she became a little less adamant. So, I have decided to continue teaching Jack to be a girl. His younger brother Finley takes Jack as a model all the time. But he has not been bullied at school and did not participate in Jack's protest period after the New Year. If Jack goes through changes, it is likely that Finley will copy them. Although they may be girls on the inside, they are boys on the outside. And I have focused on influencing Jack's body movements so that he can slip into the girl group without raising suspicion. We work with stride length, leg position, walking, elbows, behaviour. It is natural for him to sit with his knees apart. And I must constantly give reminders and sit next to him and pull his knees together. March 14. Jack has started to get a little annoyed at all my picking on his body movements. I don't want him to screw up. So, we have to do something new. It has become easier to talk to Jack about sensitive things without me having to breastfeed him at the same time. A couple of days ago I held him in both hands and looked him in the eyes. I asked him how he was doing and said that I could understand that he got tired of all the comments. And then I asked if he had heard of pencil skirts. Of course, he hadn't. - They are elegant narrow and long skirts that help you keep your legs together, sweetie. And they make your steps shorter. - Aaaaw. Skirt? Never had a skirt. He was right. He had two dresses, one from Halloween and one from Christmas. But no skirt. - Know something? I bought you one! Narrow skirts can be hard to find for girls his age. Most skirts for girls are wider and give freedom of movement. I've been searching through so many clothing shops and finally found a top and skirt combo that I thought he might like. It is crucial to me that he feels well in the clothes I buy him. He shouldn't feel like a clown and experience new humiliations while watching himself. This new set is a plain powder blue combination with sewn-in silver threads. The blouse is long sleeved with some ruffles on the chest. It is narrowest under the bust and flares out a little towards the hips. And there are frills that make his hips appear wider. It gives the impression of a girl's body without that being so important since girls his age don't have such wide hips yet. The skirt is quite narrow, has an elasticated waist and fastens quite high on the body. It reaches him to his knees. The fabric is stretchy. There is no split in the skirt, so it forces him to walk with short steps. I took Jack by the hand and led him into his bedroom. On his bed I had put the set, which was in a box wrapped in pink patterned paper. I asked him to open the box. Jack looked at me with an anxious questioning look. What's coming now? I made sure to brag freely about my purchase and said it would look so cute on him. - Lift up your new skirt, Jack. He held it up as if skirts were something completely new and unknown. - You see, this is a pencil skirt. It's slim but soft to wear. And the blouse is made for the skirt. Isn't it nice? It's yours, Jack. And only yours! I got a small and hesitant smile. - What do you think? - It looks like Aunt Marjory's clothes! I had to laugh. But it is true that my sister-in-law has worn skirts like that. - Aunt Marjory is a very elegant woman, you know. She has good taste! I know you like blue, sweetie! His hands were trembling again. And he was reddening because he knew that he was crossing some barriers. I tried all I could to make him comfortable. I found suitable underwear for him. He was helped to put on a pair of thin tights first. That is still a bit difficult. He had never worn a skirt, so he asked if he should pull it over his head. But I said he could just step into it and pull it up. He pulled it carefully up to his waist. The skirt looked so good on him. And he started walking back and forth with his skirt on trying out how long steps he could make. Then he let out a big sigh and picked up the top from the bed. I helped him thread it over his head and hemmed both the top and the skirt, so they fit correctly. - Have a look in the mirror, darling! He saw an 11-year-old girl with long blonde hair and bangs. She wore a stylish suit with a tight elegant skirt. Now came a small but wonderful smile. And then he turned from side to side. He stretched his wrists and placed them against his hips like only girls do. Then he raised one knee and looked at the other. - I am a girl mom! - You surely are my gorgeous! Can I have a look at your nails? You can't have those nails with that outfit! Let's find a cute nail polish, shall we? I put on him his one inch heels from Christmas. And the little lady was now watching me smile at her. I had a beautiful daughter that sat down at the dressing table to get her matching blue nail polish applied - already prepared of course! March 15. Jack and I have been to the skating rink again. And Finley has been at my mother's place. There he has complained why he can't join us skating. That is understandable of course. And I have a bit of a guilty conscience that Finley isn't there with us. He is only 7 years old and bad at keeping secrets. The big scare is that he reveals to the girls that Jackie is Jack and makes things difficult. But I don't know how long we can go figure skating before we have to bring Finley into this. I have talked to him. - I also want to join the ice rink, mum! - I understand, Finley. But Jack is a girl there and not a boy. And he is very scared that the other girls should discover that he is a boy. Can you treat your brother like a girl, little friend? Or are you going to call him Jack and make him very sad? - No problem, mom! But there are truly problems. And I don't quite know what we're going to do about it. All the secrecy and double-dealing make it difficult. This will not last long, I guess. March 17. It is 3 weeks to the birthday party. I didn't really know much about it. Jack had received the invitation direct from the birthday child Luna, and I had not been in touch with her parents. But then I got an SMS inviting "Jackie" to Luna's 12-year party. The outfit at the party should be "something you like". I must ask Jack what he likes. Right now, Jack is tripping around in his pumps making lady moves. It's amazing what the slim skirt does to him. The hope is that he eventually won't have to dress in tight skirts and high-heeled shoes to be a credible girl. I have started videotaping him and then afterwards showing him the recordings. I ask him to think about how girls move. And I tell him how cute and clever he is. He has talent, and there is something feminine in his genes. He's starting to get a little more confident at home and keeps going to the mirror to pose. It was a bit special to have the little lady Jackie at my breast tonight. I asked if he liked his skirt. - It's nice to look at, but tight to walk in. - Have you thought about what you want to wear to the birthday party? He nodded. - What do you think the other girls will wear? He shrugged. - Do you notice how the girls in the class are dressed, my dear? - They wear so many strange things. - What clothes do you like best? - I need dresses mom! Can you get me some more? - You can have many dresses sweetie! But you need to tell me what dresses you prefer! We should go shopping you and me! March 18. We have had a lot of visitors lately. Friends of the boys come and go. Jack doesn't want to meet them while wearing girls' clothes, so he must hurry to change as soon as someone is on the door. It is quite tiring, and it is only after children's TV in the evening that they can settle down. But we mostly manage to get some daily practice with the pencil skirt and movements. We have also focused on friendly behaviour as a part of being a girl. I have stubbornly claimed that girls are friendly to their siblings. It is probably an oversimplification, but it seems that Jack believes me. And then I'm not going to elaborate on it. Nightgowns are to be worn in the mornings and evenings, so Finley is probably missing more nice things in his closet. I am amazed at how he has embraced the feminine clothes he already has. His brother is much more embarrassed than him. I don't think Finley has a clear idea of whether he is a boy or a girl. But he enjoys looking pretty. He is so small, and it is out of the question to train him on movements like we do with Jack. So, he runs around freely. It's so nice to see how my boys are doing. And quarrels are almost absent. So, I want to continue with the feminine things we have introduced in our home. And I want them to develop into independent, confident individuals with the freedom to express themselves as they wish. It's a bit difficult to get mum on board with this. She had two grandsons a year ago, and now she has something like two granddaughters. And she is afraid that they will be harmed by it. I can understand that, but when I see how happy they are, my own worries disappear. I think I need to let them spend more time with their grandmother. March 19. An embarrassed boy and I have been to the clothing store. I had to prepare him well in advance, lots of cuddling and concentrated attention, kissing and hugging. He needed so much reassurance and encouragement before venturing into the car. And on the car ride, I was the only one who spoke. I didn't want any glare from others in the stores. Therefore, I had taken Jack out of school that day to go shopping while his friends were at school. After some negotiation, he agreed to wear a pair of skinny jeans with stars on them. At the top he was wearing a white polo shirt and a green curved jacket that I have bought for him before. And we did his nails. From the outfit and long hair, no one could tell that this was a boy. After stepping out of the car at the destination, he just looked down. I told him to cheer up, smile and be happy. But he feared he would be smiling to his classmates. When we first got into the store "Kidssalon", we chose to start in a corner of the shop. From there he could look out over the area and make sure there were no familiars in sight. Then I took his hand and put it in the crook of my arm. And we made some small steps together towards the first clothes rack. It was full of blouses. I spoke to him as if he were on a normal girl shopping with her mother. I tried to have a soft and everyday voice. - This one is nice, then. Here we have something blue. Maybe you like pink better. What do you think? I got a few nods at first, but no words. Slowly he began to speak. - I like that mom. But this one is too rough. And this one is too boring. He frowned at what he didn't like and started to smile when he saw something nice. I tried to help him express his taste, all the time in a friendly encouraging tone. He looked around. No one laughed at us. No one stared or spoke loudly. Slowly I could see how his confidence increased. - This is so much fun, Jackie. There are so many nice things here! He squeezed my elbow and shook it as a sign of joy. And then he started to lift garments out of the rack by himself. I held the dresses up to his body. - See how cute this is? It has ruffles you know. I think you like that, don't you? Makes you so sweet. I whispered to him. - You are the cutest girl in this store. Don't forget it. Be proud! Then it seemed as if many of the inhibitions disappeared. And he got even more excited. - Oh mom. That dress is so beautiful! Can I have it? I held the dress up to him. Then he took it by his own manicured hands and looked at himself in the mirror while holding it up. I loved the position of his little finger. - So nice to see what you like, Jackie! I think you have excellent taste, my little girl. Using the word "girl" is new to him. But he seemed to appreciate it. I need to use it more often. It makes him feel acknowledged. Jack had picked a white mid-calf dress with small red hearts. The dress had a moderate low neckline and puffed sleeves. It had a medium high waistline and a wide skirt totally unlike his pencil skirt and more like his Christmas dress. It was so incredibly feminine. It was amazing that my boy could prefer something like this. But he did, and I think that is so exciting! Jackie finished his shopping by going through the checkout. We had bought several cute clothes, and he put them on the counter himself, smiling. It warmed a mother's heart to see how safe he had become. When we were back at the car, I asked him: - How would you have entered the car if you had worn your pencil skirt? It was so fun to see how he had learned. He placed his bottom on the seat first and swung his legs in. It was so ladylike! - How is my little girl doing? Jackie smiled at me in the car. - It was fun, mom. But I was scared. Now I am not that scared anymore. - I am so glad that you can tell me what you feel, Jackie. It makes things a lot easier for us both. March 20. Shall I bring Finley to the skating rink with us? He has wanted a lot to join. And he has talked about it over and over. I needed to have a serious talk with the 7-year-old. - If you're going to join us, you must use the name Jackie on your sister at all times. You can never say she is your brother. And you must always use she and her not he and him. Understand? He nodded as if this was the easiest thing in the world. But I know he would need all the practice he could get. - So, from today Finley you must only use those words. Jackie is your sister from now on. She expects you to do this right. Finley was so happy to be permitted to join the skating. He ran out of the kitchen and into the living room. Then he shouted happily to Jackie: - You are Jackie my sister! Jackie smiled which is a sign that she recognized her womanhood! Then there was another difficult question: Should Finley himself be a boy or a girl on the skating rink? After a lot of thinking back and forth, I found that I just had to ask him. He had been admiring Jackie's outfit. And the answer was not unexpected: - I want to be a girl like Jack eh.. Jackie! This was terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. I would now have two figure skating girls. What had I gotten into? Jackie wasn't very enthusiastic about her brother's participation. But she had to accept it to stop all this fuss from Finley. March 22. Now it was Finley's turn to hang in our arms. He fell forwards, backward and to the side. He wore a pair of white figure skates, purple leggings and a red woollen tunic. The other girls welcomed him, and they had a lot of fun until it suddenly happened. Finley lay with his nose in the ice, bleeding and screaming. Jackie and I helped him up, and I had to find handkerchiefs from the rucksack to wipe away his blood. It looked like the nose was broken or something. We had to drive to the city emergency room. I was sitting there in the waiting room with my two girls, or two boys, or a girl and a boy or..... What do I know? How would Finley present himself to the doctor? On the examining table, Finley bravely told that he had fallen on the ice. The doctor thought he had broken his nose and carefully pulled it back into place with pliers. Then the doctor bragged about Finley's behaviour. - Good girl. Now you have been really brave. The nurse turned to me. - You must be proud of your daughter. I was just waiting for Finley's comment. - I'm supergood! I was surprised. No comment to the misgendering. On our way home in the car, we went through the events. - The doctor thought you were a girl, Finley. How was that? - It was OK, I think. Can we have ice cream when we get home? Finley clearly hadn't had enough ice that evening. Now the discussion turned to who should have chocolate and who should have strawberry ice cream. That night I carefully nursed a girl boy with a swollen nose. March 27. It's difficult with clothes and school. Jackie in particular is struggling. She mostly wears gender-neutral clothes, but most of them are bought in the girls' section. In the mornings she is anxious before going to school. I try to encourage her to venture out with new clothes. There are some comments from comrades every now and then. She is occasionally called "the girl" or "the girl boy." But there have been no acts of violence against her. Jackie has sought refuge among the girls at school who fortunately seem to include her in their group of friends. And some of them have supported her by criticizing the bullying boys. Jackie seems now more steadfast in her female gender identity and has never objected to the public name Jackie or the use of she and her. Finley mostly manages to stick to the name Jackie, and he has said several times that she is his sister. It allows him to continue to join on the skating rink, so the motivation is obvious. March 30. Finley strolls around in his first skirt. It's a fairly simple circular denim skirt that reaches him mid-thigh. It is quite wide and gives good mobility. At the back there is a zip and a button. Underneath he wore cute pink tights that are a little thicker since it's still rather chilly. And at the top he has a pink fleece jumper with unicorns. He was really excited when he got the set. And yesterday he visited his grandmother to show off his clothes. I was a bit excited about her reactions. But it seems that she has understood that she has to support her grandchildren: - Aren't you a cutie, Finley! Finley was clearly proud of his appearance. And he madeturns for my mother while she clapped her hands. He has such beautifully wavy hair that I constantly cut a little so that it does not reach too far down his back. He seems so comfortable with his girly looks. And I'm not trying to change anything. I haven't asked him if he is a girl or a boy. He will surely tell us eventually. Almost all of his underwear is now from the girls' section, and he never objects to clothes that I find for him. I wonder if one day I will let him wear skirts or dresses to school. I think we should invite his friends over first while Finley wears a skirt. It's safer than sending him to school as a girl. I have asked him if he is ready for this. He looked at me. This was somewhat new. - I think so, mom. He lifted his skirt with both hands and took a twirl in front of the mirror. He's so confident, so I think it's going to be fine. April 4. The doorbell rang again and again. In came one friend of Finley's after another. I had invited two boys and two girls. It was not a birthday, just a practice night for Finley where he would wear a skirt for the first time with his friends. I had called all the parents and informed them of Finley's outfit. So, the kids were prepared. The visitor Sebastian did not hesitate to comment. - You look like a girl, Finley. Sebastian's mother supported Finley. - Look how cute he is in his skirt! And then Sebastian was done with commenting and ready to occupy Finley's playroom. The girls were also a little surprised by Finley's appearance, but they gave him a hug and said he was nice. And as the party got underway, Finley and his guests had completely forgotten about clothes and gender. They were just kids having fun. The parents had a cup of coffee while the children played. And I said that both Jackie and Finley had themes around gender identity. It seems that this was surprising to them, but they are tolerant parents. I knew who I had invited. Jackie didn't dare to wear a dress tonight but wore a pair of baggy pants and a top in shades of purple. It was clearly girls' clothes. He was about to take the next step to a dress, but not while facing people from our own city. April 9. The big day has come. Jackie is going to Luna's birthday as a girl. It's a real dare because none of the guests know that she was born as male. We have been preparing the party for a long time with exercises in movements and behaviour. And she has become such an expert in girls' movements that it is impossible to tell that she was born a boy. But Jackie's experience as a girl is short-lived, and we hope and believe that the intensive course she has undergone at home will do the trick. But we are both nervous. And she can suddenly forget what she has learned and unconsciously do something really boyish. She will be at the party without me, and I am so afraid that she will end up in the claws of ruthless lions who will expose her and cause her pain and defeat. I try not to show my anxiety to her. On the contrary, I am super optimistic and absolutely sure that Jackie the girl will charm everyone. To keep her safe, we have gone through various possible responses from other girls. As a trans girl, she has the right to say she is a girl if anyone asks. If that doesn't work, she can say she's transgender. And we've had role-plays where I pretend to be a critical guest at the birthday party. But she struggles with worries, and I decided to offer an extra breastfeed before we dressed her. While she was cuddling, I said a lot of nice things to her. I said she is beautiful and cuter than most other girls. When she had walked in the pencil skirt, she had lovely movements which she was able to continue with in wide skirts as well. I said this was going to go really well. And then I told her how much I loved her. She seemed to calm down and manage to get her heart rate down while we were doing this. Then I whispered in her ear. - Are you ready to be beautiful? She nodded, and I got a small smile. I buttoned blouse as I patted her cheek and called her my beautiful princess. There was so much to do, so we had set aside plenty of time. She started by taking a shower and I brushed and blow-dried her hair. And then we applied some light pink nail polish. I constantly made sure to give her hugs and kisses to calm her down. In her closet I found brand new underwear, a camisole with lace and matching lace panties. I helped her with her underwear and bragged about how cute she was. I could see she was blushing. Then she gave me a kiss on the cheek and told me she thought she was pretty. It was very nice to see and a sign that this could go well. I knelt in front of her and helped her with the white pantyhose. It was also brand new and had to be rolled on with the utmost care. - Tights are a great invention. Although they are thin, they keep the legs warm. This means that we girls can wear dresses and skirts even if it's a bit chilly. Before, the ladies did not wear nylon stockings, but thicker long cotton leggings which were not so dressy. She stood up as I stretched the pantyhose all the way up to her chest, and I commented. - So, there it was. Does it feel comfortable? - Yes, mom. Tights feel strange, but nice. - Good! Are you ready for the petticoat? - I think so. I put on her the white petticoat she wore at Christmas. It consisted of a soft fabric that was supposed to widen the skirt of the dress. It would give a nice female figure. She had decided to wear the white dress with hearts that we had bought at the store. - Then there was the lovely dress at the end, my dear. Raise your hands! The dress slid down her body. - Oh my God. Have you ever seen anything that gorgeous? You look amazing in that dress. Everyone will turn to you! I don't know if she really wanted to attract attention. But I just had to say it. I was down on my knees again to straighten the skirt hem. Jackie turned from side to side. And she smiled and blew a kiss against the mirror. I had to brag. - That a girl! I then adjusted her curls and put a white bow in her hair. Then I made her wear a silver necklace around her neck. I taught her to apply some lip gloss on her lips which was a new experience. I asked her to sit down so I could put on her pumps. And then I asked her to walk back and forth to check that everything was OK. - Remember the moves, Jackie. Small strides, one foot in front of the other, elbows stick to the body, fingers point out to each side. And lift your skirt when walking in stairs. I had said this so many times. And it was getting more and more important as the party approached. I took Jackie by the hand and asked. - How many pockets does your dress have? She fumbled with her hands around the dress. - None - That's how it is. Many dresses don't have pockets. So, what do the ladies do then? - Don't know. Carry a bag, maybe. - Correct! All proper ladies have a purse. You must have one too. For the birthday party, you can borrow one from me. Later you can get your own. I asked her to sit down and I put my handbag in front of her at the table. It had a cute soft pink leather handbag that could be suitable for an 11-year-old girl. It had a chain shoulder strap and shiny hardware. It had a strawberry pattern and a heart shaped lock. He looked at it with a slightly uncertain look. It was more girly than anything he had touched before. - How do you like it? - It is.....OK, I suppose. - I think it will look excellent on you with that dress. Now Jackie, what do ladies put in their purses? - I don't know. Videogames perhaps. - Oh, I don't think girls carry around videogames. - Maybe toothbrush. - Not that either. What could you need tonight? - I know, I know, I know! Mobile! - Absolutely! We need to be in touch with people! - More suggestions? - How about money! - Excellent! And...... - Keys - Right. What more? She didn't have any more suggestions. - What do you need to keep your hair looking good? - A brush! - Yeah, and your lips? - Aaaw the lipstick... - Your lipgloss! And other makeup you might need. We girls often go to the bathroom to freshen up our lipstick and makeup, you know. You should do that too! We were ready for the outerwear. She had some black boots from before and I had bought her a coat. I held her in the crook of my arm like a bride without flowers while we went out to the car. I reminded her to get into the car properly without getting her dress dirty. On the way to the party, her anxiety increased. She fell silent. Again, it was just me talking. When we stopped outside Luna's house, she almost panicked. - This is not going to go well! - Yes, my girl. It will be so nice. - But I can't go in there alone! - I can come in with you in the beginning if you want. And I'm going to stay close by throughout the party. If you need me, you call right away. OK? - Okay She held my arm up the stairs. I rang the doorbell. It seemed like it was a full party already. Luna had invited several friends of both sexes. And when she saw us at the door, she gave Jackie a big hug. I could see that Jackie relaxed a little more and she gave Luna the present. Then the other skating friends came and welcomed her. I helped Jackie off with her coat and boots. She put on her pumps, and we went into the bathroom together. There I brushed her hair again and put on some lip gloss. I patted her cheek. - Have fun! Remember that I'm just around the corner. Call if you need me. And don't forget thee moves! She nodded and ventured into the others. Then she turned and gave me a small and feminine wave with her cute manicured fingers. That meant I could go. I am sure Jackie and I were equally nervous that evening. But again, I managed to play the role as the relaxed and optimistic parent. The truth is that this was scary stuff. Perhaps we had done something wrong with letting Jackie be a "disguised boy." I had a cup of coffee at the local caf?. I opened my laptop to work a little. But I couldn't concentrate. After more than an hour, a message rang on my mobile. Dread and horror! It was from Jackie and it just said "Help!" I tried to call her, but she didn't answer. I immediately packed my things and got into the car ready to come to the rescue. To be continued...