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Dealing with boys. A log 5 2019 April 9. Continued I was on my way to rescue Jackie from an unknown situation in Luna's birthday party. Jackie had just sent me an SMS with a plea for help. And I had no idea what it was all about. I feared that someone had harassed him. Luna's mother looked at me in the door with a serious face. - He..eh... she suddenly started to cry. I froze when I heard the word "he". In the hallway, Jackie sat on a bench crying with many of her friends around her wanting to comfort. I got down on my knees and tried to make her to say what had happened. But she just shook her head and cried on my shoulder. It was not possible to get any explanation. So, I thanked Luna and her mother for the party and said Jackie and I would talk in the car. We headed home, and Jackie sat and whined. I chose to stop on a parking lot and asked if she would like some milk. Then I pulled the front seat back, so we got some distance from the steering wheel. And Jackie put her head on my lap. I opened my shirt and let her suck quietly. Not many mothers have nursing children wearing lip gloss. She lay so still. This has worked since birth. Children calm down when they suck. My phone rang, but I don't take calls when the kids are at my breast. Then I heard messages ticking in on Jackie's phone - lots of them. After Jackie let go of my boob, I checked my phone and saw that it was Luna's mother who had called. I thought there might be some important information here and called her back. She was very unhappy and even cried on the phone. Her own daughter had been mad at her and told her to call me immediately. The story was that Luna's mother had been watching Jackie suspiciously during the meal. Then Jackie had spilled some ketchup from the sausage on her dress. And Luna's mother offered to help her in the bathroom. Luna's mother tried to have a talk with her while wiping off the stains. And she first asked Jackie if she was used to wearing dresses. Jackie had shaken her head. And then Luna's mother had asked the fatal question: "Are you a real girl"? After that, Jackie had started to cry unstoppable and then sent me the alarm message. After we left, Luna's mother had told the partying children that Jackie was actually a boy dressed as a girl. This information caused an explosion among the kids, and they demanded to know why Jackie was so sad. Luna's mother had to explain. Now she felt so guilty. And she begged us to come back to the party. The many alarms on Jackie's phone turned out to be support messages from the kids: "Come back Jackie," "You are a real girl" "We need you in the party" and hundreds of kind emojis, even from the boys. I looked Jackie in the eyes. The tears were gone. I said we should return to the party, and I could be there with her if she wanted. Back at the party, Jackie was received as a celebrity, hugged and kissed. And the wounds seemed to be repaired. Luna's mother served coffee and cake. She asked for forgiveness and told that she would never ever question Jackie's gender again. And I didn't have to scold her. I told her that Jackie is a vulnerable transgender girl that needs affirmation to feel well. And I was so happy that the other girls included her in the group. I watched the kids dancing and having fun. It was so nice to see how Jackie was joining the group like any other girl. Then suddenly the girls were all gone. Only the boys were left watching a video. After a while the little ladies returned, obviously after having a makeup session in Luna's room. My little girl looked like she came out of the front page of Vogue. It was so fun. She was clearly embarrassed and hid her face from me, but I didn't make a deal out of it. And the richly decorated girls were allowed to play in peace without my comments. On the way home Jackie was excited and totally different from our last car ride. She chattered continuously about all the impressions. And she didn't have time to listen to my questions. I was so deeply happy that the bad experiences had turned into something good. The balloon had burst. Now Jackie no longer had to pretend she was born a girl, at least when being with her skating friends. April 23. Finley's friend Bellinda has invited him to join her in the ballet class. He has no idea about ballet, but is always looking for something fun. Bellinda is beyond excited about ballet, and that has obviously rubbed off on Finley. - Mom, I want to be a ballet dancer! - I see, Finley. Howcome? - I want to be a ballidima! - You mean ballerina? - Yes, ballidima. Bellinda is ballidima already. - What is actually a ballerina, Finley! - Somebody who can dance like a swan! - And you would like to be a swan? - Yes, dance with white wings, and people clap. He seemed ready for the Nutcracker. Only problem was that he had never been in a ballet studio. There is a ballet group for kids downtown, chemically clean of any boys, I believe. The ballet coach is an old friend om mine from high school. I decided to call her. - Jean, how are you doing? I have a question for you. My little 7-year old boy Finley likes to be a girl. And now he wants to be a ballidima! - Haha! That's great, Rachel. I've got several ballidimas every Thursday. What do you mean that he likes to be a girl? - Well, he dresses girly and will certainly not play the role of a male dancer. I guess ballerinas usually aren't men. - I've always looked for a boy in my group. But I guess your little Finley won't do that part. - No, I think he wants to be a girl among the others. - He is welcome! You just need to know that there are some awfully conservative parents here. Well, that wasn't nice. Finley and I can do without prejudice. Should I just forget about the ballet and make him join something else? I knew that when Finley has made up his mind, it is not easy to change his decision. I arranged with Bellinda's mother to join them at the next ballet class. Now I needed to get Finely a ballet outfit. He would not appreciate a boy outfit, and I was looking for something nice for him. April 24 In one of the city sport shops there is a section for dancing clothes. Finley was not with me, so I had to imagine what he would like. I went through the racks with tutus and leotards. Finley has never complained on anything being too girly. So, I thought I had free rein to find something sweet. There had to be a skirt on. It hides his boy parts. Now what colour, what pattern, what shape? He wanted to be like a swan.... Hm.... I landed on a white chiffon ballet leotard and skirt that was completely covered with small silvery sequins. It had small, puffed sleeves and a cute bow in the back. Just lovely! That would make him a lovely swan. I was sure he would be happy. Then I bought a pair of white matching soft dance shoes. April 26. It is Thursday, and we had a mixed but exciting experience this afternoon. Lots of things happened. First, I dressed Finley in his new white leotard and skirt. I always enjoy seeing my kids unwrap things. So, I didn't spoil the event and was excited myself. Did I get the right outfit? Finley lifted his new leotard and skirt out of the box. And I saw one big happy face. He threw himself around my neck and kissed me full of joy. I helped him on with the white tights and the leotard. And he pulled the cute skirt on by himself. He was so cute, and I put on him a little necklace to make it perfect. We hugged each other, and I told him he was absolutely adorable. Finley has a dark coat with a slight flare. And that fits him nicely. I put his hair in a ponytail with a pink scrunchie, and off we went to meet Bellinda and her mother at the studio. Finley was just like any other expectant little girl who was going to the ballet. It was so nice to see how he enjoyed this. And Bellinda was so happy with her little friend's outfit. - You look so sweet, Finley! The dancing studio is actually in a mall. Finley had to go through the mall in his girly outfit, but no peers were around. There were 7-8 girls present in the studio. And Finley had no problems with the other small ballerinas. The typical ballet railing was there, and a piano. The parents sat on chairs along the wall. While we were waiting to start, a burly man in a leather jacket came towards me. He wanted to sit on the seat next to him, lifted his cap slightly - Mam! I greeted back and smiled. He had huge strong hands which I found very masculine. And he was chewing his chewing gum. It turned out the man was named Roy. He brought his little slender ballet daughter Charlene and his 12-year-old son Bud. Charlene, who was bodily so unlike her father as possible, joined the kids on the floor. And the giant sitting right next to me was watching as he tipped the brim of his hat. Bud wasn't interested in his little sister's ballet and kept on playing a video game on his mobile. The dancers were just jumping and having fun until Jean the coach started with exercises. There was something with positions. I have never understood ballet. I noticed the chewing gum man next to me began to focus on Finley. He stared continually, tilted his head slightly, and continued to stare. - Tell me, mam. Are you bringing a boy or a girl to the ballet? I knew this had to come sooner or later. I thought I shouldn't make it so easy for him. - I don't quite know. Looks like he's a girl today. - Don't know? It can't be that hard to figure out. When I was a kid, I had to learn wrestling, not ballet. - That was interesting. There are good female wrestlers too, you know. He sighed deeply, hit his knee with his palm and shook his head slightly. - The world is crazy. Everything is turned upside down. - Don't you think, Roy, that boys and girls should do what they like, not what tradition tells them? For some reason, he didn't continue the discussion. I thought we would have a nice quarrel, but he started telling about himself. It turned out the guy with the big hands was not a miner or carpenter or something, but a veterinary running his own clinic. He was divorced and responsible for the kids on Thursdays. And he started to interest me. The girls, or whatever they are, on the floor strained to do as the instructor said until the practice was over. Finley ran excited over to me in his cute white leotard and skirt and said he had great fun. But he meant it could be a bit boring too. I told him to say hello to Roy the man I just met. And I asked Finley to do one of the newly learned pirouettes in front of us. Of course, it was mostly to tease Roy. Finley did it, and Roy said - You're getting the hang of it, my boy. Finley didn't react negatively to the gendering. He is just a kid that doesn't feel obliged to follow gender rules. But the girls that overheard it, exchanged some glances. We went out of the studio to the cars. And then I discovered that my car wouldn't start. It just didn't recognize my electronic key. I felt like having panic. All the other parents had left....... except big hand Roy and his two kids. I should have been an independent feminist woman, but now I was dependent on this man among men. He offered to take me home, and that was a big relief. There was room for us all in his van. And guess what! I asked him in for a cup of coffee! Rachel, what are you doing bringing this chauvinist into your house? There was something with this man, and I immediately went into the bathroom to freshen up my lipstick and mascara. I put Finley in one of his cute dresses. Jackie was there, and I whispered to her that she should be the girl she really is. And she should show our visitors how cute she is in a skirt and blouse. Jackie went to her room and found an outfit all by herself. And she chose a knee length wide checkered skirt and a white blouse. I presented Jackie to Roy as my beautiful daughter Jackie. Jackie is now so good doing her moves that Roy didn't get suspicious. And that was wonderful because she is hurtful. Bud, Roy's son, and Jackie chatted a little bit. Bud has now met Jackie as a girl. And he might tell his friends that tell their friends. And one day pretty soon Jackie's girly appearance might be revealed to her friends at school. And that troubles me. We actually had a nice evening, and Roy did not repeat his gender prejudices. I felt it would be nice to meet him again. And ballet may become twice as important to me. May 5. Spring is here. Jackie is a girl now, and I do what I can to help her express her gender. In school it is still difficult, and she has continued wearing unisex clothes and a feminine hair style. Every morning I gently encourage her to try something more explicit girly and summerly. In the mornings I stand with a skirt in my hands and tell her how nice she would be in it. But she shakes her head and prefers the trousers. But I am aware that skirts make her vulnerable to harassment. I think is so sad that kids can't dress the way they like because of peer pressure. And the gender stereotypes come from the parents. Jackie has some friends of both sexes in her class. Most of them are supportive to Jackey's femininity, but there are always chances of some negative or questioning comments. I have thought of having a dance seminary in our home one evening. We could invite Jean, Finley's ballet teacher. She does several types of dances, and we could have fun with hip hop or swing or something. The event could be a coming out day for Jackie where she could dress in a flare dance skirt and do the twirls. I also thought of inviting her figure skating friends that already know her as a girl. That would make it less stressful for Jackie and easier for the other guests to accept Jackie the girl. I presented my idea to Jackie tonight while nursing her. Somehow it is easier for her to be brave when she is sucking. It's just so comforting. The decision to accept the plan was not easy for her. I could see how she struggled with her own fear of being ridiculed in the same way she felt with Luna's mother. But Jackie has also sailed on a cloud after the massive support she got from Luna and her friends. And I imagine that she is willing to go even a step further. Her inner girl demands to be expressed, and she feels trapped in the boy role. - Let's do it, mom. But it scares me. This was more explicit that I am used to. - I'll do all I can to make you feel good, Jackie. - Love you, mom! These declarations of love are new after Jackie started her transitioning. May 10. - You can't expect your kids to dress girly when you look like an old man yourself! Clear message from mom. A year ago, she used to question my approach with the boys. Now that she has seen how happy they are, she is getting more and more supportive of their femininity. And like today she even pushes us ahead. She has been with us today and observed our interaction at home. I usually wear pants and not too colourful clothes. And I am not very concerned about makeup and hair either. And my mother thinks I should improve that and be what she thinks is a real woman. I think she has a point. It is about being a model to your kids. And right now, they dress more girly than their mom. So, things need to be done. May 16. I have been through my things, and I've pulled my dresses out of the closet. And I have even bought a couple of new ones yesterday. I also purchased some skirts and tops. The idea is to be more ladylike than my two kids. When I set the standard, they are in less risk of feeling too girly themselves. To achieve that, I need to change style to a romantic hyperfeminine one. That means fluffy low-neck dresses, push up bras, jewellery and high heels. It's unpractical of course. But women through ages have tolerated this. And I will manage too. I try to buy outfits with buttoning and zippers that don't make the boobing too difficult. Tonight I wore a pink knee long sleeveless dress with shoulder straps and a ruffled skirt. I wore a pair of two-inch pumps. And for the first time in some years, I wore eye shadow. My lips were pink, and I had earrings. And I even had a dash of perfume. It was so much fun to check out my kids' reactions. I just tripped over to Jackie who was watching TV in the living room. She just sat speechless and looked at me. - Are you going somewhere, mom? - No - Are you going to meet Roy? - No - Then why are you wearing a dress? - I've dressed up for you, darling. Jackie got out of the chair and came towards me smiling. - You are so......beautiful, mom! - Thanks, Jackie. Do we have the same taste? She didn't answer but kept watching me. Then Finley came and wanted to cuddle up my skirt. - Nice skirt to dance with, mom! I did a twirl in front of them, holding my skirt out on both sides. - Aren't I pretty! Finley started fiddling with my necklace. - Cool! Jackie was wearing a skirt herself. She feels comfortable being girl at home if there are no visitors. Grandma is the only one she manages to be free with. I put Jackie on my lap and straightened her skirt. I try to make her express her feelings and preferences. I whispered in her ear: - Do you like mama's dress? She nodded. - Aha - Good! And what do you like with it? - The colour.....and the skirt, I guess. - That's sweet We girls tend to like pink, don't we? Would you like a pink dress too, darling? - I think so, mom. But I can't wear that with my friends. - I think you can, Jackie. We just need to prepare for that. Mom is only happy when you feel well, you know! Jackie looked at me with squinting eyes. - Are you wearing makeup? - Yeah! I had on my mascara and eye shadow. How do you like it? She looked away a bit embarrassed and without answering. She was silent as she fingered the hem of her own skirt. Then she put her head on my chest and kissed me on the cheek. - Kissing me on the cheek is one of the most beautiful things you can do with your mother, sweetie. We sat like this for a long time just loving each other. A golden moment for both of us. May 17. Jackie's coming-out party as a girl is set to May 23. We need to prepare both practically and mentally. For Jackie, it is a joy mixed with horror. Right now, it's mostly horror. Other times, especially when we breastfeed, she looks forward to it. She never doubts her female gender, but fears ridicule and criticism. The world can be evil. I have invited six of Jackies skater friends from our neighbour town. They already know her as a girl. I hope they can be like an accepting majority that protects her from her local uninformed friends. The latter is a mix of boys and girls that I hope will be accepting. But you never know. Kids may be evil, and they have got it from their parents. My friend Roy still believes that Jackie is born a girl. And I have not cared to tell him. He might just get to know her as a girl before he has to handle his prejudices. He has promised to bring his huge stereo, and we have invited his son Bud to the party. Dance teacher Jean has agreed to come, and I think this will be fun. The warm weather makes it possible to start the party in the garden. The stereo is indoors not to disturb the neighbours too much. I have also invited the parents of the skater friends to join us. So, the party is going to be large, fun and noisy. For Jackie right now, it is predominantly scary. - Shall we cancel the party, mom? - Why on earth should we do that, sweetie? - Because they're gonna laugh at me. - They will not. Remember the last party where you were wearing a dress? Luna's mother came with a stupid remark. But all your friends supported you. And that will happen this time too. - I don't know mom. What about the boys? - I have called their parents and informed them that you will be a girl at the party. - You have what? I could see she was scared. I tried to comfort her. - Darling, this day must come. You can't just pretend being a boy when you aren't. And I promise you are going to have a lot of fun at the party. If someone should make fun of you, and that's not likely, your other friends will protect you. And this time your mother is with you too. I knew that my calls to the parents couldn't be undone. They were going to inform their kids about Jackies appearance at the party. And the whole school will know after a while. I had lit the fire, and I am hoping all the prejudice and transphobia will burn up in it. Still, I feared that although no negative comments in the party, there would be a lot of harassment at school. Gosh! Can I really save my kid from all sorts of humiliation? May 20. I've been with Jackie and Finley to a clothing store again. After some negotiations, Jackie has landed on a skirt for the coming out party. Since we are going to dance, the skirt must be suitable for that. If you buy something for Jackie, you can take it for granted that Finley wants exactly the same. Since it is nice and warm outside, we bought two summerly pink and red floral print flare skirts excellent for twirling. The skirts have elastic at the waist and some ruffles at the bottom. And there were two simple tops with ruffles on the shoulders and red stripes across. May 21. We are laying the table. Jackie is so cute in her beige skirt under the pink apron. On her head, she has a scarf tied at the back of her neck, just like proper chefs. My little lady! The last days we have been through all sorts of scenarios like we did when we were preparing for Luna's birthday party. I guess Jackie knows how to answer difficult questions now. And it has to make or break. Another chapter is what happens after the party. I have called her teachers and informed them that Jackie may turn up at school in a dress or skirt in the future. And she prefers to be called Jackie. May 23. My ears are ringing and beeping. I think I must have had a noise injury. With over 20 children and adults at home, it has been quite wild. And now I relax with my daughter's head on my lap. Jackie was anxious for several days before the party. She was quiet and nervous. There is no doubt that this was demanding for her. All the time, it is the fear of humiliation that controls her. I think it was smart of me to invite the girls from the rink half an hour before the others. Then Jackie and Finley managed to be assimilated into the safe and accepting girls' environment first. Then they stood ready as a group against the "threatening" visitors who were to experience my children in full girl mode for the first time. When Jackie's school friends arrived, the party was already in full swing outside on the lawn. They enjoyed themselves with soft drinks and buns. I let the visitors in via the garden entrance, so Jackie didn't have to go to the door each time. Then it became a little easier for her. I watched carefully the meetings between Jackie and the arriving schoolmates. All the looks and words were observed. I didn't want any humiliation of my beautiful new daughter. Several of the boys and girls fixed their eyes on Jackie, but there were no negative comments. And after a while, it seemed like Jackie and Finley's appearance was completely out of the question. But there was no shortage of screaming and yelling. And the pounding from the stereo didn't make it any quieter. Jean's dance school was in the spotlight. Even the shy boys who didn't know what to do with their hands joined eventually. And Jackie became a dancing queen! It was so wonderful to see how her confidence grew over the course of the evening. After a while I gathered alle the guests and had Finley on one side of me and Jackie on the other. It was almost impossible to get it quiet even long after Roy had turned off the stereo. I had to clap my hands and shout. But then the children shouted even louder. I asked if they were having fun and the response was wild cheers. Then I told them that person right next to me had something important to tell guests. She was well prepared for this and cleared her throat at first. Because she had become hoarse from all the screaming. - I want you all to call me Jackie from now on This was also met with cheers from the guests, mostly from the skating friends. And when Jack's line was finished, the noise turned up again. Roy looked at me with questioning eyes. - Do you really have two boys who are girls, Rachel? - Well, they're not boys. At least Jack is a girl. Maybe Finley too. He didn't dare say anything stupid, because he knew it could cost him his relationship with me. - You look wonderful tonight, Rachel. It certainly pays to dress up if you want to make an impression on men. I gave him a hug. So now he knows too abut Jackie. The secret we still haven't revealed yet is the cuddle time at the chest in the evening. My dress tonight was easy for Jackie to open, and she grabbed my breast with both hands. She had done her pink nails by herself, and the polish was applied very accurate. I tried after a while to get her to reflect on what had happened tonight. - What do you think about tonight, Jackie? Was it necessary to be afraid at first, do you think? - No, but I was scared anyway. - Did anyone think you were pretty; do you think? - Some of the girls said I was pretty. And Bud too. - Did Bud say you were pretty? - Mm - And what do you think about that? - Maybe he actually thought I was a stupid boy. - Why do you think that? - He stared at me the whole time. With this, a new question appeared. Could Roy's son Bud have fallen in love with my daughter? This came as a bit of a surprise. Jackie has such low self-esteem as a girl that she has a hard time seeing that boys can fall in love with her at all. - Jackie, when do you think boys stare at girls? It got quiet. - Mom, shut up! May 24. These days are challenging. Jackie has been open about the fact that she is a girl, and she wants to be called Jackie. This is big and difficult news to bring to school. Now I have made phone calls to the parents of several of the girls in Jack's class. And I have informed about my transgender daughter who is coming out these days. I have been open and direct about my fear that she will undergo humiliation. I have asked the parents if they can talk to their daughters about protecting Jackie. Absolutely everyone was positive about this, and it came as a surprise to me. Admittedly, some were more enthusiastic than others. But none were negative. The world is certainly moving forward! Every morning Jackie and I have conversations about what she should wear to school. I have been clear with her that now is the time to wear a skirt or dress for the first time. That barrier has been difficult for her. Such garments are so quintessentially feminine, and there are clearly no boys at her school who wear skirts. - Aaw mom. I'm scared of that! - But you look so fabulous in skirts, darling. - But skirts... They will think I am a girl. - Of course they will sweetie. You are a girl. You know that, don't you? Your teacher Mrs. McFairlane expects you to arrive in a skirt any day now. She's going to call you Jackie. And then you can't look like a boy. That would be completely wrong, wouldn't it? She looked at me. Then she looked at the floor. And then she looked at me again. I tried to encourage her: - You have got many sweet girlie clothes, Jackie. Time to wear them! I opened the closet door. There aren't many boys' clothes left in there. Then I laid out many of the cute skirts and dresses on her bed. - I think you should have one of these at school today. Which one would you prefer? Jackie hesitated and pointed slowly with her finger first at one garment and then at the next. The finger landed on a simple short denim skirt. It has just a little flare so it was comfortable to walk with. And it has some decorations on the pocket. I have decided to buy expensive clothes for my kids. They are so vulnerable and dependent on acceptance. This Levi's is typically a skirt that you can use to blend in with the others. And that is probably her hope today. - Pink tops are cute with denim, you know. I found a short sleeved tee with a silvery "Beverly hills" written on the chest. Jackie's girl debut outfit at school was ready. Being that shy, you just don't turn up like a diva with boa around the neck. These were modest girl clothes, and no one would take notice of them unless they knew Jackie was born a boy. This morning Jackie also wore new white keds. - Do you want me to go into the classroom with you? - No, that would be embarrassing. - OK. Shall I sit in the car on the outside while you are inside? - Yes - I will arrange with Mrs. McFairlane that you can bring your mobile into the class room. Then you can call me anytime if you need to. - But mom. That is not allowed! - It is allowed on your first school day as a girl, dear. As school approached, we both felt the same anxiety we had before Luna's party. I felt we were in open and dangerous terrain. Anything could happen. And I admired my brave daughter Jackie. As we got out of the car, the wind blew against our legs. All sounds were so loud. We heard the noise and shouts from the school yard. There were children behind us who were going to school. And one big boy asked Jackie: - Who are you? To be continued