A Life Everchanging I
- 2 years ago
- 9
- 0
A Life Ever Changing Part 22 free porn video
Hello, Darkness my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again.
- Simon and Garfunkel
A Life Ever Changing #22
Hello, Darkness
by Angel
Just then the doorbell rang! OH! FRIPSY!
Everyone sprang into action. Here I am naked from the waist with only an ice
bag and an empty sanitary belt as cover! Some cover!
Aunt Harriet went to answer the door as I got up and went into the bathroom
closing the door behind me. My pulse pounding and increasing by the second!
Grace ran upstairs to get me another sanitary pad and my mother ran to get
me a fresh clean pair of panties.
I could hear Barbara asking where I was and Harriet stalling her and Rita. I
heard a slight tapping on the bathroom door and Grace opened it and came in
helping me with the pad. My mom entered a short while later with a pair of
light yellow nylon panties another half-slip, my yellow skirt a pair of
sheer pantyhose and a pair of white heels! OH FRAPST! She also had my purse
with her and after they helped me into everything she touched up my make-up
with my lipstick being freshened and my hair brushed out and left loose I
was ready to meet Barbara.
I wasn't ready! Physically I was ready but mentally? No! I was not ready for
this meeting! But here I was exiting the bathroom and slowly heading
upstairs for a meeting I felt never should happen!
My mother by my side and Grace following behind us closely, I felt they knew
the situation was tense at best. I had the feeling they were there for me
and if anything went wrong they would still be there for me. That thought
made me feel a little better.
I had pushed this meeting out of my mind losing my anxiousness in the
questions and exchanges we had just after the phone call. My relationship
with Barbara was about to change forever it would never be the same after
this encounter. That is how I saw this meeting as an encounter!
I was about to enter the kitchen and I almost fell. My legs were week and I
was dizzy and felt sick in my stomach. My mom and Grace held me tight and
sat me in a chair looking closely in my eyes. Mother grabbed and held my
hands squeezing them until I looked at her. (I had to do this! There was no
way out of it so just get on with it!)
Mother said, "Honey, can you do this? If not we will work something out."
I answered her, "Mother, I have to do this and do it right." I willed myself
to composure and with a now real determination I stood and walked into the
living room. I was Rachel and that is whom Barbara came to meet. Not a boy
named Rich, in a dress looking cute and being an imposter! I let myself be
who I was at the moment, Rachel. That is when I saw her and she was looking
at me.
Barbara wasn't just looking, she was frozen in place and her features showed
utter surprise. Her eyes grew larger and wider open, questioning what she
was seeing. I smiled and opened my arms to her. This was the moment. This
would tell my fate.
She slowly stood and then ran into my arms hugging me, squeezing me tightly
crying and smiling all at once! We hugged for what seemed to last an
eternity crying and squeezing each other declaring our bond. My mother and
Rita broke us apart gently saying, "Let us all sit down."
We did Barbara and I on the couch the Rita, my mother and Grace sat in the
chairs. Harriet was making drinks and I hoped she was making one for Barbara
and me as well. Barbara said, "Rachel? Yes, it fits you. I knew you would be
cute, but look at you! You're beautiful!"
I said to her, "Barb, please! Cute, I can agree with but please don't lie to
me. Beautiful I am not! I can do this and I believe I can do this well
because this is part of me. I am Rachel and I am Rich. I am both together,
what I appear to be on the outside changes nothing of what I am on the
inside. I know this, just as I know the sun will rise in the morning.
"I do not know Rachel well and that is what I am doing now. Letting Rachel
free to express her-self and to help others by being her. Eventually Rich
and Rachel will be one with an equal knowledge of each other. Rich will be
what people see. Will that change what I am inside? No. Look into my eyes
Barbara and you will see the true me as I see the true you in yours.
"I lack the experiences and I lack the knowing of what life as a female is.
I have my limitations that my physical being will cause, but what I can't
physically experience as a female I can know and try to understand. If you
can accept me as I am now as Rachel and as a girlfriend and not as a
boyfriend you can help me understand. I need your help, Barb! I need you!
Rich will return physically soon enough, but until then Rachel is whom you
will be seeing."
She grabbed onto me and hugged me, crying hard. After a few minutes she
looked up and into my eyes looking deep within them. She calmed and said,
"Rachel, no, Rich, I have to tell you this and I don't want to hurt you, but
I have to make you realize what you have been ignoring for a long time.
Everyone else knows, but you have always been oblivious to how others
perceive you. You just don't care about what they say or think about you!
All you have ever cared about was what they thought and how they treated
others, never yourself! You have made me so mad sometimes I wanted to smack
you!"
Harriet handed each of us a loaded soda pop. MMM! We each had a few sips and
Barb continued, "At first the boys at school just thought you were a geek
and a loner. Most of the girls liked you and still do because of the way you
talk to them and treat them like I don't know how to say this!" She was
worried and frustrated. It showed in her face and body language.
Mrs. Nelson butted in and helped her by saying, "You treat them as equals
and whenever you are with them you are just like they are. You are one of
them."
Barb smiled at her mother in thanks and continued, "That's it! You were and
are one of us in your actions, speech and even mannerisms. Rich, haven't you
ever stopped just once and looked at yourself? Haven't you ever just once
realized your actions and mannerisms when you were with just us girls? No,
you never have! Well, stop and think right now! I don't swallow that bull
about how you are the same no matter how you are dressed! I don't believe
you really believe it yourself! Just look at yourself!"
She looked at the others and said, "Its time to tell him the truth and stop
pussy footing around!"
WOW! What a change in the atmosphere! It went from Barb shouting at me to
pure silence! Everyone except Barb had a frozen expression of shock and that
"OH SHIT" look. You know the one, don't you? That look they get when an
adult is forced to act and do something they had not planned on by a younger
person.
Barb said, "MOTHER!"
Rita then said, "Julia, I think we should take Rachel and Barb upstairs to
Rachel's room and then say what we have to say straight out." Grace sort of
snuck away and I noticed she went into Harriet's office/library.
Harriet said, "Ok kids, let's go upstairs and talk this all out."
Barb took my hand and looking me in the eyes said, "Rich, I love you and I
can't stand to see you so blind to yourself. You are so aware of others
needs and wants, but for yourself? Nothing, not a thought, no awareness at
all! This is way too important for you to ignore yourself!" With that said
she dragged me up the stairs and into my room making me sit in front of my
vanity mirror.
Rita, my mother and Harriet followed us quickly into my room and shut the
door. Harriet standing up rested her back against the door and then I really
knew some heavy stuff was going to be laid on me!
(What I did not know at the time was that Grace was calling Dr. Purnell at
that very same moment.)
Barb began with saying, "Rich, look at yourself. What do you see?"
I did look and I looked very carefully and fully. I looked and tried to
figure out what she wanted me to see. What I saw was a face made feminine
with make-up and lipstick. I looked deeper than that beyond the make-up and
saw a feminine face! Yes, if what one would call a caring and gentle look
feminine.
I tried to picture the boys and men I have known. Their faces and how their
eyes looked. Yes, they were different than mine! Their look was harder and
less caring. They had a self-centered look, a different kind of awareness
that was more of a challenge than a sharing or giving. Was I that different?
I tried to picture the girls and women I have known. I remembered the ones I
liked had a genuine interest in others that showed in their faces and eyes.
They were more open and sharing with each other. There was no challenge or
hardness to their look.
Was I that different? My look? It was like a very young boy called Ricky.
That's it! That's what they were trying to tell me by calling me that! The
innocence and trust only a very young boy has! The bonding with his mother
that is quickly lost, as he gets older!
Peers and parents help shape the differences more than any other source! Big
boys don't do that! Big boys no longer help their mothers or sisters with
household duties! They mow the lawn and empty the garbage. They don't do
dishes or help cook and clean. They don't do laundry especially the girl's
things! Heaven's no!
They don't change diapers or feed and bathe the little ones! They shovel the
walk and driveway when buried in winter snow. They rake the leaves, paint
the house and do the heavier tasks like changing a flat tire or help move
furniture and heavy boxes. Big boys don't sit to pee! Heck no, they pee all
over the seat and floor! Much easier to pee standing up, just unzip and
spray away! Mom or sis will clean it up! Big boys sure don't!
Hmm. How about the families without any boys? Does that mean none of the
boy's chores are done? No, it doesn't! Is there a double standard here? Yes,
I believe there is! What do I see? Am I really that different?
Lost, I was lost deep looking into my own eyes. Everything around me was
forgotten as I went deeper and deeper within myself searching and searching.
Why was it so easy for me to talk with the girls and share my self with
them? Why was it so much easier for me to be at ease and to automatically
adapt with them? Did I really change so quickly when I was with the girls?
My voice did it really change? The way I gestured with my hands, did I
really just flow into the feminine language of body and mind? Did I really
sit, walk, stand and express myself differently while I was with them? Did I
giggle right along with them?
What is it that's so different? What am I? Why can't I adapt like that with
the boys? What sets me apart from them so drastically that I fit in only
when I have something to offer? The boys? They seek me out to help design a
fort or clubhouse in the trees. Then? I am forgotten once more. They seek me
out when they need help and their friends have ignored them. Then? I am
forgotten once more. Why?
I think I know! I can't hang out with them! I don't have time for sports! I
don't have time to pal around! Is that what being a boy is all about? Is
male-bonding so different than female-bonding? Yes, it is! Much different!
The bonding a very young boy has is mostly a female bonding! As they grow
older they are driven apart by their very gender!
That close emotional bond is quickly lost as they are taught to be what?
What are boys taught as they grow older? What is it exactly that drives them
away from their emotional caring side? What emotions are they taught to
foster? Which emotions are they taught to hide and mask? Most importantly,
why?
The truth is I DON'T KNOW! I have never known! The truth is I was not
brought up as a boy at all! I was dressed as a boy and told I was a boy. I
was given a boy's name and I have a penis! Is that what makes the
difference? A penis?
Look here, young person, you were born with a penis so you have to grow up
to be, what? Who decides what a human being with a penis should be? How they
should act? How they should look? The differences come with age! Puberty and
beyond! Testosterone flows in the penis bearers and emotions rage and ebb.
How about the human being bearers of a vagina, Hymen and clitoris? Puberty
begins estrogen flows and emotions rage and ebb. The secondary physical
characteristics begin to form and develop!
The penis bearers develop muscles and deeper voices hair grows on their
faces and bodies. The vagina hymen and clitoris bearers grow hair as well.
Breasts, hips and fannies develop. The voices do not change all that much
and little hair grows on the face and chest.
Hmm. What am I? Must I make a choice? Can't I be me? Am I one without a
place in human life? What is different about me? I have no Adam's apple so
my voice did not drop. I have no facial or chest hair. I have the beginnings
of breasts ,larger and more sensitive nipples. My fanny has developed but my
hips have not. I am tall but my waist is narrow. My legs are long and
muscled yet smooth and trim as are my arms. My hands are strong yet smooth
with tapered fingers.
What am I? Do I belong? Is there a place for a penis bearer like me? Can I
be myself and exist happily in this world? Once I am no longer needed at
home, what then? Will time change me into something else? Do I need physical
intervention like drug therapy or operations to become an acceptable human
being? To be a pretty teenage girl what has been done? To be a teenage boy
what needs to be done? What am I? Am I that different?
I am lost deep within myself. What is myself? Is there a real me? Am I
something that changes by my surroundings like a chameleon? Is there a, me,
myself and I? I am lost within. My eyes have grabbed and held me fast. I
have traveled deep and far within only to find what? No answers to my quest?
Barbara has sent me to look at my self. A mission that is too general and
vague for any true answers. How can one find oneself when it truly does not
exist? One mind with two bodies neither whole nor complete in their
identity. What am I? Who am I? I am lost. I am lost. I am lost.
I do not exist. I have no place. Yes! There is a place! Here within! I am
safe! My body can wither and die and what is left will be my soul! That is
who and what I am! A soul trapped in a world and a body, which has no place
for an identity! No place in the world for a non-person! A world that exists
in dualities rejects my duality! I am not a single person! I am two persons,
in one! One, which cannot survive without the other! I am home now, safe
within my duality! Here I can exist, out there I do not exist! Here I will
stay!
What? What is that? I hear a faint sound so far away outside somewhere.
What? What is that? A feeling outside stinging and sharp! What? What? Sleep,
I am so tired. I feel adrift in space. It is getting darker. Where is the
light I seek? I had seen it only moments ago! Darker, darker, blackness and
sleep...
Liesl
- 13.08.2020
- 10
- 0
A Life Everchanging 2 Get a Job
- 2 years ago
- 12
- 0
A Life Everchanging 3 To Show I Care
- 2 years ago
- 10
- 0
