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Twins Part Two Chapter Seven Ted and I had just turned eleven when our FBI handlers came calling. They had some bad news and we had some life-altering decisions to make. Agent Groves and agent Martinez called and explained they would be coming by to talk to us Wednesday evening. After dinner there was a knock on our front door. "That must be the FBI," Dad said. That was obvious, as all Ted's and my friends always came through the kitchen. We used to come through the front door but always ended up in the kitchen and after one incident after a rain storm Mom asked us to please come through the back door. Ever since then, Shannon and my friends entered that way as did Ted's friends, and, as they would say, it's closer to the refrigerator. Did I mention we ate a lot? Active growing kids seem to eat everything in sight and our friends were no exception. Dad opened the door and let the two Agents in the entry. "Good evening Mr. Crane, you're looking well," Agent Groves said as a greeting. "Good evening Agents, shall we go into the living room?" Dad motioned the indicated and ushered them in. Mom, Ted, and I were still in the kitchen just finishing dinner. "Honey, the Agents are here. Bring the kids in here please." "Come on kids, let's get this over with." We walked to the living room and I could see the surprise on Agent Martinez's face. The last time she had seen me I had very short hair and pretty much looked like Ted. Now a very cute girl smiled back at her. "Cindy! My! What a surprise! You've become a very pretty young girl since the last time I saw you. Are you still interested in sports?" "Yes Agent Martinez. I made the all-star team with Ted." "See, didn't I tell you girls were as good as boys," she said with a chuckle. "Let's get to business," Agent Groves said. "How have you been settling in? Any problems living here?" "No, as a matter of fact, we've grown quite fond of the community. We have wonderful neighbors and I've built a small following of customers. The kids have a large group of friends and if possible we really don't want to move again." ''I'll put you at ease, there is no discussion about moving you again, but we've reached the point where decisions have to be made. As we mentioned when you went into the program you would have time to acclimate to your new lives, which it sounds as though you're doing very nicely. The only fly in the ointment though is Cindy. We mentioned that a time would come where there would be no turning back to her life. She could remain a girl or become Marcus once again and that time has come. Cindy has to appear to be a normal girl and this is the time in her life that puberty would start." "What are you saying?" Mom asked, obviously concerned about what agent Groves was inferring. "She will have to start puberty during summer vacation if we are to continue with witness protection. If not, you can opt out and go back to being a family with twin boys. There is a second problem though and I would hate to have what has happened influence your decision about Cindy, but it must be made known to you. The man you testified against has escaped from custody." "What! How did that happen? He was sentenced to life in prison," Dad asked. "He was to be brought to trial for a different murder and, during the transfer, thugs from the Russian Mafia attacked the vehicle he was riding in and he got away. Two marshals were killed. There's a countrywide manhunt looking for him, but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to be captured. That group has very good means for hiding people and it's important that you know of the situation." "That's just great!" Dad exclaimed in frustration. "Now what do we do?" "Continue living as you are now, but I must warn you that if you decide to quit witness protection and Cindy becomes Marcus again, I don't like your chances." "So you're saying Cindy has to go the next step?" "We're not saying that at all. The optimum scenario is to continue with the original plan but we can't make you do anything you don't want to do. The choices are yours to make, but since Cindy has been living as a girl for three years she might want to continue her development. The only thing though is if she makes that decision there will be no turning back. She will always be Cindy." "Do you have to have an answer tonight?" Mom asked. "No of course not. Talk it over and think about it. Let us know what you want to do?" The agents left and Dad called a meeting to discuss what was being asked of me. "Wow, that was a shock," Dad said. "It was, I can't believe that man escaped," my mother responded. "Thank God we're in this program. I don't think he will find us." "How can you be so sure?" Mom asked. "He'll be looking for a family with two identical twin boys." "Yes, I imagine he will, which brings us to the other thing Agent Groves said. If this is to continue, Cindy will have to become a real girl and I'm not sure if she will want that?" "Can't Cindy become Marcus again?" Ted asked. "She could, but if she does we'll have to leave the witness protection program," Dad said. "Why couldn't we still be in the program and be brothers again?" "Because it would be too easy for the assassin to find us and the FBI doesn't want the responsibility of protecting us. We already served our purpose so there is no reason to keep us hidden." "We're hidden now." "Yes we are, but that's because Marcus was brave enough to become Cindy. If she became Marcus again all bets are off." "You're talking like I'm not even here," I whined. "We're sorry, Cindy. We didn't mean to ignore you. It was just easier to talk about your options." "My options?" "Yes. What we're talking about is whether you would want to remain Cindy for the rest of your life? It would be a very big decision for someone as young as you to make," Mom said. "I've been Cindy for three years and I really like being her. I don't have a problem being her for a while longer." "That's not what is being offered to you. If you continue being Cindy, the FBI wants to make it permanent; in other words you'll become a real girl and there will be no turning back. Marcus will be gone forever." "Why couldn't I change back?" "Because if you decide to continue being Cindy, you'll be given hormones to make you become a woman and because of your age you'll be a woman forever. I'm sure you've had some sex education class by now explaining the differences between men and women. Girls and boys mature differently. Girls become softer and boys become more muscular. I'm sure you noticed your friend Shannon has been changing. She's started her puberty." "If I decide to become a real girl, will I still be able to play baseball?" "Of course you can, but you might not want to. The hormones will change your body and you won't be as good of a player as Ted. They do have girl's teams in high school, but you would be playing softball instead." "But I like baseball." "And you can play for as long as you like. What I'm saying is you might not want to." "Why?" "Because girls think differently when they go through puberty. If you decide to become a girl, you'll see." "What kind of changes will happen to me?" "You'll become a woman. The outside is easy to see, but if you don't want to become a woman on the inside, you shouldn't do this thing. We'll think of some way to keep us safe, but we'll probably have to move from here in the future; and when the man finds out about us we'll have to move more often, maybe several times a year." "What about my friends?" "You won't be able to have friends anymore, well not like you have here. It would be too dangerous." "Can't I just keep dressing and living like Cindy the way I do now?" "You could for several more years, but when puberty hits Ted, it will also hit you. You will become a handsome young man, but you will also become someone that doesn't look like a Cindy. Honey, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. We love that you were able to become Cindy for as long as you have, but we would love you as Marcus as much as we love Cindy." "Can I think about it for a while?" I asked. "Sweetheart, we want you to think about it. It's a very big decision for an eleven year old girl to make." "May I go to my room now?" "Of course." I walked to my room and felt six eyes follow my every move. The decision I had to make would affect us for the rest of our lives, not just mine, but also my brother's and my parents'. I had a lot of thinking to do and wished I could ask Shannon what she would do, but knew that wasn't possible because she didn't know who Marcus was. I closed the door to my room and sat on my bed taking my teddy bear and squeezed him to my chest, hugging him tightly. It wasn't fair for me to have to make a decision like this. I was only eleven years old. How was someone my age supposed to know what to do? Would I really want to become the girl Cindy was supposed to be? Why shouldn't I become Marcus again? Did I want to become the boy I had volunteered to leave behind three years ago? Had I really changed as Ted had pointed out to me? Had I become that girl and not even realized it? Would it really be that bad to become a girl? I had been living as one for three years and it hadn't harmed me and to be honest with myself I liked the person I had become. Being a girl felt natural to me, and I had friends. Sure Ted had friends too, but there was a closeness I shared with Shannon and Alexis that Ted didn't with his friends. Sure they hung together but that was all. My friends and I spent hours on the phone and shared every secret in our lives, with the exception of who Cindy really was. Did I want to give up that closeness? Even more importantly, did I want to stop being a girl? I had grown to like the little things Shannon and I did, playing with dolls and then turn right around and beat the boys at soccer. There were other things though I couldn't measure about being a girl, things I didn't want to give up. The special feelings when I put on a new dress for church or finding a bird with a broken wing and trying to set it to save its life and the tears when I failed and it died. The hugs Shannon and I shared with every special moment in our lives and the closeness when Mom would braid my hair or brush it at night. If I were to become Marcus again how would I explain these special moments? Did I really want to swagger with Ted and his friends? I hated it when they would go off and shoot Juan's BB gun at targets and then let the paper targets drift toward birds and chipmunks. I knew most young boys shot small animals when you lived in an area like Jackson, but I liked being able to say no when they asked me to go with them even better. I didn't think of my personality as being girlish, but as I thought about it I was wrong. I had become the girl Cindy was supposed to be and I loved who I was. If I went through with Cindy's puberty I would no longer have to hide the Marcus I had left behind because there would no longer be a Marcus. Then I thought of something else, what would happen to Ted's and my relationship? We've remained close even with my subtle changes, still finishing a sentence one or the other of us had started. Would that change if I really became a girl? Would Ted still love me like he loved Marcus? He's voiced his displeasure with Cindy on more than one occasion although he seems to have grown more accustomed with her over the last two years. I know in my heart what I want to do, but I want to talk to Ted first and if he wants a sister then I'll become Cindy for real. I woke the next morning still hugging my bear. I had changed into my nightie, hugged my bear tightly and fallen into a deep sleep. When I woke I remembered that I wanted to talk to Ted. I went to his room and shook him awake. "Ted, Ted, wake up," I whispered. "Huh, what?" "It's me, I want to talk." "Can't it wait? I'm tired." "No, I want to talk before Mom and Dad get up." "Okay, what do you want?" "How would you feel if I really became Cindy?" "You already are Cindy." "No, I mean for real? Wouldn't you rather have Marcus around?" Ted was silent for a half of a minute. I could see he was thinking. "This is for real, isn't it?" "Yes and it's important to me about how you would feel if Marcus never came back again." "You haven't been Marcus for three years and I've grown kind of used to having Cindy around." "Do you miss Marcus?" "Yes, but I like Cindy a lot too. I never thought I would say this, but I like having a sister. I miss Marcus and who we were, but I've grown to love my sister. Things haven't really changed, we still play ball together, finish each other's sentences and still have a special thing between us. I love you Cindy and remember what we talked about, you really have become a girl. If Mom cut all your hair off, you'd still be a girl. It's the way you are now, the way you walk and talk. When you watch Shannon, does she look like a boy when she does things?" "No." "You don't either. You look just like her when you do things, except when you hit the baseball, then the old Marcus is back. If you decide to become Marcus again, I think I would miss Cindy as much as I missed Marcus when this whole thing started. I love you Sis and I'd hate to see you go." My eyes had filled with tears. I never thought my brother could make me feel the way I did, so full of love for my identical twin. "I love you too," I said, and then I did something I never would have done as Marcus, I hugged my brother. I returned to my room and dressed for school. I still had a lot on my mind, but I think I had made the decision to remain Cindy. Walking to school with Shannon and our friends only cemented my choice of genders. I truly had become a girl. I looked at my day in school in a different light enjoying the interaction with my friends. I had never really looked at what we did or talked about; we just did it as girls. Now I watched every move Shannon and Alexis made, listened to every word they said and realized I had become exactly like them. Boys were yucky, flowers were pretty and we still loved playing with our dolls. I was startled by the changes that had taken place in my life. When I was Marcus I thought nothing of rolling in the dirt or running at the most inappropriate times. My brother and I were constantly being scolded about rowdy behavior but that was the life of a boy. Nothing was meant to be destructive, but at times I guess it was. Now I didn't like getting dirty. Oh you couldn't help it when you played ball and it went with the territory. The same applied to soccer especially after a rain when we couldn't help getting muddy. The only real change was I couldn't wait to get home and take a shower and change my clothes. I no longer enjoyed being dirty. The same could be said about talking with my girlfriends. When I was a boy we would talk about things, baseball or what was on TV, did you see my neat truck, things like that. Now when I talked with my friends we talked of how we felt. Loved that dress, I felt so special with it on. I was so sad after we lost our soccer game that I cried. I hugged my bear. I feel so special when Shannon and I talked. I knew I would never want to lose that feeling and knew deep in my heart I was a girl. At dinner that night I made my choice known to my family. "Mom, Dad, I know what I want to do about Cindy," I said. "And what's that?" Mom asked. "I want to be her forever. I don't want to be Marcus anymore." "Do you know what you're saying?" "Yes, and I thought about it all night, except when I slept." "Can you tell me why you want to remain Cindy?" Mom asked. "Because that's who I am now. You and Dad love me, Ted loves me and I think my best friends love me and most important I love myself." "You'll never be able to become Marcus again, how do you feel about that?" "Marcus was who I was until three years ago, until I met Cindy. I love being Cindy and I love who she is. I never want to lose her, Mom. Please let me do this thing. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't really become her." Mom sat quietly for a minute before tears filled her eyes. "I love you, Baby," she said and pulled me into an embrace. Dad smiled and Ted, well Ted stuck his tongue out at me. I guess some things never change except I knew he was doing it in fun. I could feel his love toward me, isn't that what twins do? Dad called Agent Groves on his cell and informed him of our decision, well actually my decision and asked when treatment would start. Agent Groves said he and Agent Martinez would like to have another meeting tomorrow night. Everything would be explained then. At seven o'clock sharp, Agents Groves and Martinez arrived. Dad opened the door when he heard the knock. "Back so soon?" Dad asked with a chuckle. "You called us," Agent Groves answered, with little humor in his voice. "Don't mind Tom, he's been a pain the ass all day," Agent Martinez laughed. "Yeah well, my wife was less than thrilled that I would be working up here again tonight. It's our anniversary and she wanted dinner out with me and not the kids." "Sorry for the inconvenience," Dad said. Dad led the Agents into the living room and had them sit facing us on the sofa. "I guess we all know why we're all here?" Agent Groves said, stating the obvious. "Since you've made the decision to continue in witness protection we thought it best to explain what will happen next. I'll let Sandra explain the next step. She's much better than me with the meds." "Meds?" I asked. "Medicine, Honey," Mom said. "Thank you. I'll speak mainly to Cindy but if any of you have any questions whatsoever feel free to interrupt. Cindy, what we're talking about is hormones, hormones that will make you become a woman. You know what puberty is, don't you?" "Yes, it's when you become a man or woman." "That's correct and because of your situation we want to be sure this is what you want. If your answer is yes then after school ends for the year we will be taking you to Stanford Hospital in Palo Alto for tests and, after you've been analyzed, you will be given a time release implant under your skin that will last about six months before another is implanted. It will have the same amount of hormones as a girl your age would have naturally. Most of your development will take about three years and then it will be another five or six years before you complete your journey. After that, you will be put on a mild dose of hormones to keep you feminine and unfortunately you will have to take them the rest of your life. When you're fourteen you will be given an operation to make you complete. You will be a woman in every way with the exception being able to bear children but you will be able to adopt if you so choose. Do you have any questions so far?" "No, well maybe one, will I still be able to play baseball?" "You will but you are going to find out that your strength will be less than your brothers and you might consider playing on a girl's team instead. I'll be honest with you Cindy; hormones will create changes in your body and brain that might change your whole outlook with regards to sports. Your parents told us you've agreed to continue in the witness protection program, but we need to be absolutely sure it's what you want? Once you start, there will be no turning back. Are you absolutely sure you want to become a woman?" "Yes, it's what I want. I thought about it last night and after talking to my brother and parents it's what I want to do. I knew what I wanted after spending three years as a girl, but I had to be sure my brother would accept me. We're identical twins but after the treatments we won't be. Well we will, but in a way we won't, but he told me he loved me as Cindy and said he would miss me if I decided to be Marcus again. I really don't want to be a boy again so I would really like it if we could start my new puberty." "Then it's done. I'll make arrangements with the hospital for the end of June. Welcome to my world, Cindy." Chapter Eight It was a month until school ended and another two weeks before we left for Stanford. I would have to explain my absence to Shannon. We were sitting in her room doing homework after school one day and it was our quiet time when we talked about our lives. I knew everything in her life, and she knew mine with the exception of the witness program. "I'm going on vacation for a week when school ends," I mentioned to her. "Where are you going?" "Down to around San Francisco, I think?" "I've been there before. Mom and Dad brought us there for the weekend. It was fun." "I'll miss you when I'm gone. I wish you could come with us." "Me too. How long are you going to be gone?" "I don't know, maybe a week." "That's not too long. Let me know if you see any nice clothes." "I will." Shannon would have never asked me to look at clothes a year ago and I could tell she was changing. She was still a tomboy, but there was a softer side to her. She was becoming a woman and her interests were changing, slowly, but it was happening. I wondered if I would be going through similar changes after my visit to Stanford? Only time would tell. During the next month and a half, the changes I saw in Shannon were startling. She had begun to bud and things we had always done together didn't seem to interest her anymore. The dolls had found new homes on her shelves and she seemed more interested reading Teen magazine than playing with dolls. I had long ago become fascinated with my Barbies realizing I would become like her one day. Marcus had truly left my life. One thing hadn't changed though, Shannon's love for soccer. As much as I loved baseball, I had taken to practicing soccer skills with her almost every day. "I want a scholarship and if we're good enough we'll both get one," she said as she one touched a pass back to me. I was almost as good as she was and with more practice we would be an unbeatable team, Shannon and Cindy Super girls. I no longer thought of myself as being a boy. The changes had been subtle but they came. It took about two years before I stopped thinking about Marcus. I was now Cindy and as I thought about it nothing had really changed much. Sure I wore a skirt or dress once in a while, but everything else remained the same. I played ball and spent time with my friends, girls now rather than boys, but my body still was that of Marcus's. My movements were now feminine, hanging out with girls everyday will do that, even to the most boyish boy, but even though I didn't think of Marcus, there wasn't anything I did that he wouldn't have done other than playing with dolls. Ted even played some of the girl's games we did and he didn't suddenly turn in to a girl so my life was pretty much the same as it always was. That was about to change. I fell asleep on our drive to Stanford. It only took three hours, but I slept for most of it. Normally I would talk to Ted, but this trip we made without him. Juan and his family were going camping near Silver Lake and asked if he would like to join them? It was a big decision for him to make, camping or sitting around a hospital for a few days, camping? Hospital? I guess we all know which won? When the car stopped moving the changed motion woke me from my slumber. "We're here Honey," Mom said. I looked around and saw we were in a parking lot next to several buildings. The signs said Stanford Hospital. I blinked to clear the sleep from my eyes, sat up and straightened my skirt. Mom had thought it best if I looked a little like a girl when we arrived so there would be no mistake when people other than the medical staff saw me. Ted and I still looked too much alike and she felt it best if I was viewed as a girl rather than a boy in girl's jeans. We looked at the map in a display case near the exit of the parking lot and determined that Dad had lucked out and parked the car only three buildings away from where we wanted to be. The buildings were glass and concrete structures two or three stories tall and looked inviting. Stanford's medical clinic is known as one of the best in the world and being able to come here and have the FBI pay the bill was something Dad couldn't help liking. We entered the lobby of building 376e and walked to the reception desk. A guard was waiting for us to sign in. I thought it was special, but everyone that wanted to pass his desk did the same. So much for feeling special. "We have an appointment," Dad said. "Name?" "Cindy Crane." The guard typed my name into the computer and watched the monitor. His eyes opened a bit more than usual but didn't betray his thoughts. "Your appointment is in room 384, special projects. When you arrive, ring the bell button next to the door and you will be let in. The elevator is to my left and you'll want the third floor. You'll need these identity cards, which were supplied by whom ever, has arranged for this visit. Good luck." The three of us were handed identity cards on a long strap and we placed them over our heads and let them rest on our chests. We found the elevators and Dad pushed the up button. There were four elevators in the lobby and one opened immediately when the button was pushed. The elevator car was roomy; the floors were granite and the walls expensive birds eye maple with matching grain. It was obvious money wasn't an issue with regard to the building. Exiting on three, we looked at the walls on each side of the lobby. The signs on the east wall read 300-350, and the west wall read 351-399. We walked to the west corridor and turned right toward the higher numbers. Arriving at 384 Dad pushed the button next to the door. We didn't hear a sound, so he pushed the button again. Once again there was no sound. "Damn," Dad swore, "The least they could have is a doorbell that worked." The door had the number 384 on it, but under the numbers was a sign that read No Admittance Authorized Personal Only. The door opened and we were greeted by Agent Martinez. "Mr. and Mrs. Crane, Cindy, nice to see you again, come in." "Nice to see you too, Agent Martinez," Dad replied and led us into the room. The corridor leading to 384 was spartan in appearance, white walls, white acoustic ceiling, fluorescent fixtures, and a high-end beige industrial carpet. The lobby of the room we entered was like WOW. The walls were painted a soft blue color with white crown molding around the room. Light fixtures hung on two cables stretched from one side of the room to the other. Light shone on the many paintings hung on all four walls. The furnishings were leather and wood. You could tell everything was expensive. "Have a seat. I'll let the doctor know you're here," she said and walked from the room through a door with a glass panel that had rice paper between the two lights of glass. The frame was walnut. We sat and waited for less than a minute before the door opened again. A woman who looked to be just over thirty entered the room and walked briskly toward Dad. Holding out her hand she said, "Mr. and Mrs. Crane, I'm Dr. Sheila Livingston and I'll be the person treating Cindy during her stay with us, and this must be Cindy?" she asked, turning to face me. "Yes," I blushed. "No need to feel shy, Cindy, we'll become friends in almost no time at all. Most of what we do here won't hurt a bit, and what little does, won't bother a strong girl like you. Why don't we go back into my office and chat a bit and then we'll get Cindy checked in to the clinic? Her room will be here so she won't be having any interaction with other patients but since she will only be here for three days she won't miss out on much." We walked to Dr. Livingston's office and it was as opulent as the lobby. The only difference was the presence of her desk near an outside window. There were three chairs in front of her desk. "Cindy, why don't you sit here," pointing to the middle chair, "and your mother and father can sit on each side of you." We sat and looked at Dr. Livingston waiting for her to continue. "Now, we all know Cindy is here to start her hormone course and it is one that will continue for the rest of her life because she doesn't have the right plumbing to produce the proper hormones herself. After puberty is complete, she will go on maintenance so she will always have her feminine appearance. During the initial process she will have to be monitored every six months, which can be done when she returns for her appointment. The unfortunate part of that is you will have to return here for tests every time the implant is replaced. Cindy will become a test subject for us and with her help we might be able to recommend hormone therapy to younger individuals rather than waiting for them to mature into someone they don't want to be. Do you have any questions so far?" "You mentioned an implant?" Mom asked. "Yes, what we propose is inserting an hormonal implant in Cindy's arm rather than having her take pills and injections during the maturation process. The implant will allow the hormones to go directly into her circulatory system rather than having to be digested and possibly do harm to her liver. An important side effect is that the hormones will be released all the time without having a jump with each dose." "Will it hurt her?" "Just a little when we implant it. After she has it for a while, she'll forget it's even there," she said, pointing at my arm. Dr. Livingston had a kind face and lovely voice, but her bedside manner needed some repair. I was beginning to feel like an apple or orange rather than a girl who had come to her for help. The way she expressed herself was so impersonal, almost like discussing the rebuild of a car. I guess she didn't want to become attached to her special patients, but I missed the care I received from my old doctor. "What will happen after the implant?" Mom asked. "The first noticeable change will be growth. Cindy will start to grow to her adult height." "How tall will she be? My husband is six-two and I kind of thought Ted and, well, Marcus would be taller than him?" "Fortunately or unfortunately in Cindy's case it doesn't work that way. To be perfectly honest with you we have no idea of how tall she will be. You're quite short, I'm guessing around five foot-one, but we have no idea of what part of your gene pool was passed on to Cindy, and we still have no idea of what the estrogen will do to that pool. The gene you passed on could have been one that will stop her growth at five-one or you might have passed on something altogether different. Only time will give us that answer." "She won't be a six foot woman, will she?" "I can't answer that question. Hormones are something we know much about, but not everything, like how her height will be selected and other things that might be influenced by puberty. We can't even be sure what genes you passed during conception. The height gene you passed could have come from your father or grandfather, or your mother for that matter, and until Cindy has completed her journey we won't know." "If her brother grows to be six foot three, will she also?" "As I stated, we won't know until her journey is finished and that's why Stanford is taking a very large interest in Cindy. We get to make a case study on the impact hormones make in a child Cindy's age and the effect on her genes. We also want to study the effect they might have on her mental health. If she didn't want to become a girl and she suddenly changed her mind with the introduction of hormones it would be something we would want to pursue a study about." "When will you be implanting the hormones?" "Today, if you'd like. She will have to remain here for several days to be sure the implant is providing the proper dose and she will also have her first mental examination. You will have to return every six months to replace the hormones and she will also have her mental examination at the same time. I know this sounds rather cold, but it won't be after we get started. I'm sure Cindy will become fond of her new adventure and we will become friends." I listened to every word as Mom and the doctor laid out the rest of my life. Did I really want what was going to happen to me? I couldn't be sure but I had to admit I liked being a girl. If you had asked me that three years ago I would have thought you were nuts, me a girl and liking it, not hardly. "Cindy, you've heard what we've said. Are you ready for your first implant?" "I guess," I answered with trepidation. "Good, the sooner the better," the doctor said. "Come with me and we'll give you a physical, your implant and get you settled in your room. Mrs. Crane, will you come with us?" Mom joined me and we were led to a small room where the exam would take place. I had had physicals before, but this one was so much more thorough than the ones for school. I was measured and poked, felt in places no one but me should touch and finally we were finished. "I have to draw Cindy's blood so we have a base line to compare the hormones to and then I'll implant the hormone." "Ouch," I exclaimed when the lab technician stuck the needle in my arm for the blood. She took five vials and labeled them. "This won't take long Cindy, maybe a half of an hour and then I'll do the implant. Would you like to read anything while I'm gone?" the doctor asked. "May I read the TEEN magazine?" I asked, noticing the headline about how to apply makeup. Since I was going to become a real girl I might as well learn things my mother hadn't taught me yet. "The half of an hour....." became forty minutes and every one of them felt like an hour long before the doctor returned to my room with a syringe. "Your blood work is normal, Cindy and now your big moment has arrived. It's time for you to become a young lady." I looked at the needle and wondered if I was doing the right thing. Oh, I wanted the implant, but I didn't realize just how big the needle would be. The doctor saw the look of concern on my face and smiled. "Don't worry sweetheart, it will only hurt for a second and then it will be all over with." The nurse swabbed the inside of my upper arm with alcohol or whatever they use and stepped back allowing the doctor to take my arm in her hand. "Look the other way sweetie," she said. I did and the sneak pushed the needle in my arm. It felt like she drove a truck into it, I shrieked in pain. I vowed I wouldn't cry, after all little boys don't cry, but damn it I'm not a little boy anymore so the tears escaped my eyes. After the pain passed I was led to my room. I still had the hospital gown on and wondered if I would have to wear it the whole time I was at Stanford. "Nurse, will I have to wear this all the time?" pointing at the gown. "No, Cindy, you can change into civilian duds if you like. Think of this as more of a vacation than a hospital stay. You won't be needed until tomorrow morning for your mental exam and after that we'll keep you here for another two days for blood work. After that you can go home." Mom and Dad spent the rest of the day with me and brought me out to dinner in nearby Palo Alto. The food was incredible and I know I ate too much. Mom warned me that I would have to watch what I ate now that I was going to go through puberty. Girls she explained gain weight more easily than boys, which made Dad laugh. "What's so funny?" I asked defensively. "I get to eat all I want and you'll turn into a hippo if you do," he laughed. "Maybe not," I responded. I think Dad had one too many cocktails. "We'll see." "Honey, you and I will watch our weight together. Let the men make pigs of themselves." "Thanks Mom." Mom and Dad were staying at a nearby hotel so they brought me back to the hospital and checked me back in. I spent a few hours watching TV and then went to bed. I know I had weird dreams but I couldn't remember any of them. The nurse woke me at eight with breakfast. "Good morning sweetheart, ready for another boring day?" she asked, with a chuckle. "Yes I guess. I wish I could go home. I miss my friends." "It will just be a few more days and today is the only one that you'll have to be here all day. Tomorrow you can go with your parents after we draw some blood and you'll be going home the day after that." "Thank God." I ate my breakfast and dressed. At least I didn't have to wear that horrible gown the hospital provides but then why would I? The only thing I'm here for is the implant and I already had that. I wondered about today, what would I be tested for now? I was brought to a small office that looked more like a living room than an office. A woman about thirty-five years old greeted me. She had dark hair and a nice smile. Her voice was pleasant when she spoke. "Good morning Cindy, I'm Dr. Montgomery, but you can call me Anne." "Good morning, Anne." "Do you know why you're here today?" "No." "I've been asked to talk to you about how your life has been going since you became a girl. Would that be okay with you?" "Yes." "I'm sure you're wondering how I know you were once a boy. I work with the FBI and the witness protection group and especially children to be sure they're adapting to their new identities. Yours is the first that I've had that included a change of sex so we'll be doing this together and hopefully you will help me as much as I want to help you." "I hope so too." "Let's get started. You've been a girl now for what, four years now?" "I think that's about right." "When this all started, why did you decide to be the one to become the girl?" "Some one had to, so I volunteered." "But why you? Did you want to become a girl?" "No." "Then why?" "Because I knew Ted wouldn't do it." "Why wouldn't he?" "Because we're different. Sure we're identical twins but we're not exactly the same. When I was Marcus I would do things without thinking about what the result might be. Jump in and take the consequences. Ted, well..., he was Grady then, was different. He thought things through and sometimes couldn't make a decision and I knew that's the way it would be when we were asked to choose who would be a girl. Grady would still be thinking about what to do." "So you did this to be a hero?" "No, I did it because someone had to and I was strong enough to do it." "And how do you feel about your decision?" "I don't mind. I kind of think of myself as a girl now." "Do you like being a girl?" "Yes, very much." "Why's that?" "I don't know, maybe it's not having to prove something all the time." "Prove something?" "Yes. I remember when I was Marcus, I was always trying to prove I was better than Grady. I'm sorry, but it's easier for me to call Ted, Grady, when we were living in New Jersey and Ted since I became Cindy. At the time I thought we were just goofing around, but one of us always had to win. I was faster or he was faster, I could hit the ball better than him or he would hit better than me. Now I don't really care. Some days I hit a baseball better than Ted but it doesn't matter to me. I love the game and not so much showing him up. I still tease him though if I do better," I giggled. "I'm surprised because you're still twins only you've begun to travel a different road." "I still feel pretty much the same as when I was a boy, it's just that I feel different at times. Grady and I still wrestle but I don't seem to like it as much as I once did. I didn't think things would change when we started this, but now I like wearing dresses and being a girl at times. My best friend Shannon says I'm too girly at times, but I like being that way. When I dress for church I feel pretty, I feel special. It's different for boys. They wear a suit, but would rather be wearing jeans and a T-shirt. They still mess around, pushing and shoving each other running here and there not caring if they get dirty. When I'm dressed for church I'm usually wearing white hose and white shoes and a dress with lacy fringe around the top and bottom. I hate it when Grady touches me because I don't want his finger prints on my clothes." "Maybe you would have been the same even if you didn't become a girl." "No way. I would have been worse than Ted. I would have been dirtier and would have pushed harder. That's the way I was." "What made you change?" "I'm not sure? I know being a girl had something to do with it. For some reason, I didn't feel I had to prove something. Shannon opened my eyes to that. I remember when we first started playing soccer together, even though I was supposed to be a girl, I played like a boy. I wanted to kick the ball harder and farther than her and, try as I may, I couldn't do it. She could see the look in my eyes, the pissed off little boy look. She asked what my problem was and I admitted to wanting to beat her. Why she had asked? That's the way it was with Ted and me, I said. She took my hands and said, "girls don't act that way". We help each other. Do you know why I kicked the ball farther than you? I told her I didn't. Because you're doing it all wrong and she proceeded to show me the right way to kick the ball. After that moment, I listened to what people told me and didn't worry about being better than them. I liked the way I felt and made me wonder if maybe I wanted to be a girl for other reasons than hiding from the mob." "Other reasons?" "Yes. When this started, I was trained to act like a girl and succeeded, even fooling Shannon. It was all an act, but as I spent time with Shannon things changed. I liked being a girl, and as time progressed being a girl became second nature. I saw the way Ted and the other boys acted and I just couldn't bring myself to be like them. Now I have two very close girlfriends, Shannon and Alexis. We do everything together and tell each other our closest secrets. They're secrets only girls tell each other. I know Ted doesn't say things I do. We're still brothers, well, brother and sister and even we don't have secrets like Shannon and Alexis and I do. To be honest with you, I'm glad I'm going to become a woman. I don't think Ted knows what he's missing, not that he'd want to know." "I must say Cindy, you seem very well adjusted to what you're going through." "Truth?" "Truth." "When this started, I thought I would hate it. Every day during training I would tell myself it was for the family. Mom, Dad, and Grady would die if I didn't finish what I started. I hated the clothes and what they were doing with my hair and most of all I hated looking like a girl. It was after we moved and I met Shannon that I changed. We became best friends and I discovered she was more of a boy than I was. She was faster and stronger and yet she could be a girl and play with dolls. That's when I started to be myself. I looked like a girl and as time went by I acted like a girl. Even though Shannon is a tomboy she still moved like a girl and I was soon moving just like her. If I was still a boy and moved the way I do now, I'm sure I would have the crap beaten out of me. Guys don't like boys that act like girls." "I guess they don't, or so I've heard. Let's talk a little more about what you expect to happen from now on." "What I expect?" "Yes, you have an implant that will make you become a woman if you don't change your mind. You can still go back to being a boy at this point if that's your wish." "I don't want to. My girlfriends and I are excited about what we're going to go through." "Do they know you're a boy?" "No." "Well, I'm sure they will never find out unless you tell them." "I'd never do that. I'm a girl already and I hope they never find out who I was." "You'll be safe, Cindy. You're going to be a very pretty woman which brings us to another problem." "What's that?" "Boys. How do you feel about boys?" "Boys?" "Yes, boys, you know those funny little things that seem to bother girls your age?" "They don't really bother me that much, but maybe because I was born a boy and I know how they are." "I notice you said how they are. What do you mean by that?" "I'm a girl now but I remember how I felt when I was a boy. Girls were things to be teased, but now that I'm a girl, I don't understand why boys do what they do." "What do they do?" "Make fools of themselves." "I see. You know your feelings about boys will most likely change as you continue down the road you're on. Boys aren't going to seem so foolish, but only time will tell about that. Don't be surprised if you come to see me and can't stop talking about some boy that makes your stomach feel as though it's full of butterflies." "Eeew, no way." Anne smiled a funny smile when I said that. "I remember when I was your age and felt the same way. Boys were the creatures from the swamp and smelled just as bad. I think my girlfriends and I must have used the 'eeew' word as often as any other word in the dictionary. By the time I was fourteen, they were no longer swamp things but something else, and I'll leave it at that. What I'm saying is that your hormones will do many wonderful things to you and not all of it will be noticeable. I think this will be enough for today, but I'd like to see you again next time you come in for your hormone replacement. You're a lovely girl Cindy and I think you'll do fine with what you're going through." "Thank you Anne." I left the doctors office and went back to the waiting room to find my parents and go home. It had been a long several days and I could hardly wait to see Shannon and Alexis. Chapter Nine As soon as we entered the house, I brought my things to my room, put everything away and announced I was going over to Shannon's. "It's almost dinner time, so don't be too long," Mom said. "Yes Mom." I had changed into shorts and a sleeveless blouse and the warm summer air felt good against my skin. I was dying to find out everything that happened since I was gone. At that moment I realized just how much of a girl I had become. Boys would race to see their friends and play another game of ball not caring what happened to anyone else unless a boy was to get into a fight and all that mattered was who won. We girls were different. We had to know what each other did every second from the time we left until we returned. Who got new clothes and who was angry with whomever and such and such liked some boy now. It would take hours to learn everything I had missed in a few days. Shannon hugged me when she opened the door. "God girlfriend, I missed you," she screamed. "I missed you too. What did I miss? Tell me everything." And she did. Shannon showed me her new cell phone and called Alexis, placing the call on speaker so we could all tell each other everything we had done the previous days. We giggled and acted like typical eleven- year-old girls. The world was right again. The next few weeks went by without incident. The hormones didn't make me grow boobs overnight, nor did they make my ass bigger. To be perfectly honest, I didn't feel any changes at all. However, after about a month, I did feel something, my legs hurt. "Mom," I said, several days after I noticed the pain. "My legs hurt." "Show me where?" "Right here," I answered pointing to my calves. "Did you fall and bruise yourself?" "No, they just kind of ache." "Both legs?" "Yes." "It sounds to me like growing pains. Pain like that usually indicates you're beginning to grow." "Has Ted begun to grow too?" "He hasn't said anything, but girls usually start to grow taller before boys do." "I'm going to be taller than Ted?" "Until he begins to grow and then we'll see." "God I so love this. I'll be able to beat him up." I laughed. "None of that, young lady. There'll be no beating anyone up, especially your brother." "Yes Mom." Over the next months we found Mom was right, they were growing pains. I grew like a weed, Mom's words. I added to my height about an inch a month. I had started at four foot six and by the time school started I was four foot eight. I still was playing baseball and seemed to get better as I grew. Shannon and I practiced soccer almost every day and my skills were improving to the extent that I was almost as good as Shannon. Oh, by the way, Shannon is starting to grow breasts. She first noticed when we were playing a friendly game of soccer and the ball was kicked into her chest. You'd have thought someone had shot her from the scream she let out. "My God Cindy, my chest," she moaned as tears filled her eyes. "What's wrong?" I asked. "My nipple hurts." Shannon and I have been best friends for three years and she had never complained about pain when she was trapping the ball with her chest or any other part of her body. What could be different now? I looked at her chest and noticed her nipples were pushing her shirt out more than usual, and not just the one that had been struck by the ball. "Shannon, your chest looks swollen." "It's not, my nipples are just pushing it out." "They never did that before." "They always do that when it's cold." "Shannon, it's ninety degrees. You'd better have your mother look at them," I said. Her mother did and the next day Shannon was the proud wearer of a brand new training bra. She could hardly wait to tell me she was growing breasts. Well guess what? I didn't start to grow breasts despite what I thought with the hormones and all. Yep, I was still growing like a weed and had Ted by four inches. He was not happy that his sister was now beginning to tower over him. I was still on the all-stars baseball team and we were going to play in the championship game in October. As much as I loved baseball, I would be glad to see the season end. Playing two sports at the same time, soccer and baseball was becoming too much for me. Luckily we only practiced soccer twice a week and Dad being the baseball coach cut me some slack as far as practice was concerned. By the way, I'm now the fastest runner on the team. I think all my growth has gone to my legs because I seem to be running faster than before. Poor Ted hates that I can easily beat him now when we race. Good news, we won the championship games, two out of three. I pitched and hit a home run in one game and hit almost five hundred for the tournament. My growth spurt has made me a better player. Soccer is also going well. Shannon and I are on the same team, but this year Alexis was drafted by another coach so the three of us are no longer playing together. AYSO is like that. At least we'll be together when the select season starts. I forgot, Alexis is also wearing a bra, God I wonder how much longer it will be before I wear one too? I think the hormones are affecting my brain. When school started, we had a new addition to our class, twins, identical boys from Minnesota. Unlike Ted and I they have blonde hair and blue eyes. Even though Ted and I are identical, we obviously can't say anything, and beside who would believe us now. I'm four inches taller than Ted and all he does is whine that he hasn't started growing. Ted and his friends hang with Anders and Erik being boys and all and they seem to be nice enough, for boys. Who'd have thought something like that would come out of my mouth? I'm still growing and it's November. I go back to Stanford for a new implant next month and I'll have to ask the doctor why I'm not growing breasts yet. Both Shannon and Alexis have graduated to real bras and it's obvious why, they look like curvy girls and I still look like a beanpole. Shannon's growth seems to have slowed while mine is full steam ahead. Her mother is only five two so she probably won't be much taller than that. My mom is only five one, but I have a feeling I'll be passing her any day. I'm only about an inch shorter than her now, but still skinny. Shannon and my soccer team haven't lost a game yet. I play right wing and she plays striker in the middle. I've learned to use my left foot almost as well as my right so coach has mentioned that he might play me on the left for the rest of the season. I think I mentioned that Shannon was a faster runner than me and she was until lately. I don't know if she's slowing or I'm just running faster what with my long legs and all. It could be too that Shannon is not quite as fast now that she's definitely getting some shape. "Cindy, did you notice Darren staring at me today?" she asked, as we walked home from school. "Yeah, I kind of did. It was pretty obvious," I giggled. "Why?" "Come on Shannon, he likes you. You're very pretty so why wouldn't he notice?" "I don't know? It's kind of creepy but I liked it." "I'm not sure how I would feel if a boy stared at me. Boys kind of creep me out. All they are is rude and dirty, yuk." "You must like someone?" "Not really. Boys are boys and I live with one so I know how they can be." "Ted? He's cute and all the girls have a crush on him, even me," she blushed. "Ted, Ewww." "Come on Cindy, I wouldn't expect you to crush on Ted, after all he's your brother, but even you have to admit he's cute." "Shannon, I don't think any boy is cute, especially my brother. I think you'd better have your eyes checked." We started laughing at that and realized why I love Shannon so much; we shared everything, even her crush on my brother. "I don't know if I should say anything because I promised not to, but Katie told me Anders, one of the twins, was asking about you." "Anders? Why would he ask about me?" "Because you're the prettiest girl in school." "No I'm not." "You are Cindy. I think you're the only one not to know it. You're so wrapped up in your sports that you haven't looked in the mirror lately. You're beautiful." "I'm not." "You are Cindy, you just don't see it." We reached our homes and Shannon followed me into our house. It was our custom to go to each other's homes after school and study, gossip and drink a soda or juice. Today was my turn and tomorrow would be hers. I personally liked going to her house better because her mother makes the most awesome chocolate chip cookies and I don't gain an ounce of fat when I eat them. "What do you want to drink?" I asked Shannon. "I'll have some of that apple juice your mom bought from the roadside fruit stand when we were on our way back from soccer." "That sounds good, I will too." I walked to the refrigerator and took out the gallon container of juice and poured two glasses full of the juice. It was the best apple juice I had ever had to drink. It was unfiltered and kind of cloudy but oh so sweet. I put the juice away and we continued our discussion. "Was Anders really asking about me?" I asked, wondering why I would ask a question like that. "He really was. I think he has a crush on you. Do you like him?" I felt my face turn red as I blushed at the thought of some boy liking me. "I don't know. I really hadn't thought about a boy liking me." "But do you like him? It's funny but I've started feeling differently about boys. Were still only eleven and I'm sure my mother wouldn't let me go to a movie with a boy, but, I don't know, I just feel different." "I think I know what you mean, boys don't seem so yucky anymore. They still do the same things and seem so immature at times but for some reason it doesn't bother me as much as it did." "Oh well enough of the boys. We'd better do our homework or our grades might suffer. If I get so much as one B my parents will kill me," Shannon laughed. Chapter Ten It was the middle of December and time to return to Stanford for another implant. The only thing I had noticed since my first implant was my growth. I was now a quarter of an inch over five foot. Mom was five one so I guess I'll be passing her by in a month or two and Dad will be the only one taller than me. I wish I was growing somewhere else though. Half of the girls in my class were wearing bras now and I hadn't even started to grow there. I hope the hormones weren't going to make me tall and skinny with no shape. If that were the case, when I turn fourteen and they want to make me a complete girl, I might not do it. Who wants to be a girl that looks like a boy? We were leaving Saturday morning for the Bay area as my appointment was for one PM and it only takes three hour to drive to the hospital. I packed a skirt and blouse for later and decided to wear a pair of white shorts for the trip to Stanford. I might add that as of late my clothes seemed to have gotten a little tight around my hips but looking in the mirror I still looked as boney as ever. I hadn't worn the shorts I picked since before my hormone treatments started and although they were a little tight at that time I thought they would still fit. I pulled them up my legs and noticed they were difficult to slid over my hips. After they slid into place, I tried to button the top button. After a minute of grunting and hopping from one foot to the other I finally got the button fastened above my hipbone. The zipper was a different story. There was no way it would slide more than two inches closed. "Mom," I yelled out my door. "I need help." Mom entered my room and asked, "What's wrong, honey?" "I can't zip up my shorts." Mom looked at me and snickered. "My, my, it looks like you're getting hips. Try laying on your back on the bed and see if that will work?" I did as she asked and was barely able to close the zipper. I felt like I was being squeezed to death. "Mom, my shorts will tear if I sit up," I lamented. They also showed something a little girl shouldn't have. "Honey, change into your jeans. You've grown out of those shorts and we'll have to go shopping for new clothes. You're becoming a young woman." I changed out of my shorts and into my jeans. Even those were becoming increasingly tight. The change had been so gradual I hadn't noticed it. I just wish I had some change on my chest, oh well. My visit to the hospital was much easier this time. My appointment was at one in the afternoon and was brought right in to see my doctor. "Hello Cindy, how are you feeling?" Dr. Livingston asked, when she entered the room. "Umm, okay." "You look as though you've had a growth spurt. Why don't you step on the scale and I'll measure your height." I stepped on the scale and Dr. Livingston pulled the measuring pole up and extended the rod to touch my head. "My you have grown, you're almost five one. Have you been eating properly? You only weigh ninety two pounds." "I eat all the time." "I guess you're going to be one of those girls who don't gain a pound, you're lucky. Let me take some measurements and then we'll take some blood." The doctor measured me everywhere, my neck and chest, waist, hips, thighs, calves, and feet. Lastly she measured my arms. When she was done she brought over the dreaded needle to take blood samples. "Relax for a few minutes and you can get dressed. I'm going to send these to the laboratory to make sure your hormones are balanced and then I'll insert your implant. Do you have any questions for me?" "Umm, well I was wondering, when will I grow breasts? My girlfriends are already wearing bras and I still don't have anything on my chest." Dr. Livingston smiled; wow, I didn't know she could do that. "Cindy every girl goes through puberty differently. Some grow breasts first thing; I'm sure you have friends that look like they're too young because of their height to have breasts. Those are usually the girls that won't grow tall, some being less than five feet. In your case, you'll be one of the tall girls. All your energy is going toward your height but don't worry, when your growth slows you'll start developing elsewhere. Puberty is a slow long-term process. Nothing happens overnight and I can't tell you when you'll start other development. Have you noticed that your hips are growing?" "Yes, I had to change my clothes because my shorts were too tight." "That's your pelvis growing. Girls and boys have different skeletons and yours is developing like a girl should. The reason your pelvis is growing is that your body is readying itself for childbirth." For some reason my eyes filled with tears when she said that. "But I won't be able to have babies," I sniffed. "No you won't, but your body doesn't know that. When the time comes, you'll be able to adopt the perfect little baby you want. I'll be right back." The doctor left the room and I dressed and waited for her return. The time alone gave me time to think about why I had almost started to cry. My girlfriends and I had talked about having babies when we got older; girls do that sort of thing. I knew I was still a boy, but even boys were able to have babies of their own even though it was the mother that carried the baby until it was born. I would never be able to do what the other girls did, carry a baby in my body. If I decide to become a complete girl I won't even be able to be a father. Was that something I wanted? I had grown to love being a girl, but did I love it enough to want to become a woman? This whole thing started as part of witness protection and I volunteered to look like a girl until the danger had passed. I thought it would be for a few years and I could return to being Marcus. How hard would it be to wear a dress every now and then? I said I would do it and I never go back on my word so I started to live as Cindy. I really don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't what I thought. At first I thought I would be a girl only part time, you know only when I was seen in public but was told that wouldn't work. I had to be a girl all the time. Hey, I'm a tough guy and I can handle that, what could possibly happen? Shannon, that's what. She obviously thought I was a girl and was moving in across the street from her, which meant instant best friend. She was right and we bonded from the very first day. Shannon isn't a girly girl, nor am I, which made being a girl much easier for me. Knowing nothing about being a girl other than what my handlers had taught me made me seem like I had been raised in a cave as far as Shannon was concerned. Why didn't I have a special bear? Shannon gifted me one of hers and now I love my bear to pieces. It took a year of being around Shannon before I started to change. I no longer thought of myself as being a boy, but her best girlfriend. I knew I was still Marcus under my long hair and clothing; I was reminded every night when I went to bed and saw my boy parts. I didn't hate them but they felt out of place for some reason. After the second year, I all but forgot I was ever a boy. I had assimilated into girlhood and as much as I hated to admit it, I no longer wanted to be a boy. There wasn't anything I wasn't able to do that a boy did. I played ball, I got dirty, and I cussed with the best of them, my brother included. One minute I was running faster than any of the boys and the next playing with Shannon and telling each other our most intimate secrets. I loved the softer side of being a girl. I thought of Ted and how even after we spent time with his friends he would still strut like a rooster. He could never let down the wall of masculinity. I on the other hand would play just as rough as the boys and when the games were over I could just be myself. I could laugh and giggle with my friends, talk about school and trying for good grades and realize I could do it without feeling the need to impress. I was beginning to feel sorry for Ted to have to be a boy. I wondered why then, that I had felt so sad when the doctor had mentioned that I was tricking my body into thinking it could give birth to children? I'm only eleven years old and we have already had sex education in school so I knew what took place as far as sex was concerned, but why did I feel so empty at the thoug