Zen And The Art Of Self Defense Chapter 7 free porn video

Part 3 - Way of Harmony Chapter 7 - Counter Technique The story so far - After setting up doctor and therapist appointments leading to sex-reassignment surgery, Chrissy traveles back to her home with Jillian in tow to come out to her mother and brother. She shows Jillian the sights of northwestern Ohio (of which there really aren't all that many), who then returns to L.A. after a week. For the following week, Chrissy and her mother get to know one another better, ending with Chrissy going to meet up with the man she helped put in the hospital. "Hello," I say pleasantly with the most innocuous but friendly smile I can muster, "are you by chance, Roger Ballentine?" "Uh, yes, I am, I'm afraid I don't know you. Do you work here?" he says with a confused look, as he grabs a cane and starts to stand. "No, please, don't get up. Do you mind if I sit and join you?" I say as I walk up to where he is sitting, with a little swing to my hips. "Oh! Well, not at all," he replies with a smile as he relaxes back and I pull a chair slightly closer, at which he quickly adds, "I should have got that for you." He sighs for a just a second, then smiles and continues, "This chair is just so darn comfortable sometimes I forget to get up." "You didn't have to, no need for that, but is it really?" I say as I sit next to him, looking rather unconvinced at the chair which looks very uncomfortable. "No," he laughs, "but me saying it keeps the nurses from trying to rearrange me all the time." "Oh." "They're very sinister, you know, they make Nurse Ratchett look like a saint." "Ah, you're teasing," I say with a little giggle as he laughs again. I do notice that he does look rather handsome. I don't think I had ever considered that before, but I brush that thought aside. I'm also relieved that my fear of what may happen is now receding, although I know I still have to tell him who I am. He sighs again, and says "I am expecting someone, though you're welcome to stay. I have to say that the scenery certainly has improved; I don't think I caught your name." I glance around feigning an interest in the shrubs, coming back to smile at him, taking a breath and saying, "Oh! You mean.... thank you, I can imagine that facilities like this can get a little boring after a while. But," here it comes, "you do know me, it's just that in...in the past year or so, I've gone through a lot of changes." He now looks totally puzzled, "I do? Have we met somewhere?" "When you last saw me, close to two years ago, I was asking for your forgiveness by your bedside in a hospital," I get out very quietly starting with a sigh and looking directly into his eyes...and hoping,,,a lot. He looks very hard at me, searching my face, and then a flash of recognition crosses it, "Yo...you're Chris?" I sigh and reply, "Yes, Chris, but now I'm Christine Fielding." He takes a deep breath and staring very intently at me which makes me blush a little, finally says, "I...I can't...you're Chris?...This....Really?" "Yes, truly and really. If it's difficult for you, Mr. Ballentine I can leave, I would like to stay, but I know for some people it can be hard..." "Uhhh...no, please stay. It's just....it's just that it's going to take me a little while....oh, and, uh, y.you can call me Roger." "Thank you, Roger. I can understand. Do feel free to ask me any questions you want. Many people can be confused and if there's any way I can alleviate that, I'll try. And you can call me Chrissy, which is what I go by now." "Chrissy,.." he says thinking about the word and looking at me intently, enough so I blush a little as he continues, "hmmm. well, If you do have time, I would like to know a little. I have a brother who came out to me as gay last year, and I've read up a little on gender issues. I've certainly had the time." I sigh just a little, "Yes, I understand. Well, it's sort of an involved story, but I'll try to make it brief." He does seem receptive to my situation, so I tell him some, barely mentioning who I work for and what my position is, more in general terms, which he listens to with interest, which includes some of my growing up years. Occasionally he interjects with incidents from his life of which some of my story reminds him. Finally I get up to the present and where I am, having just briefly mentioned that I'm still practicing martial arts. "So you're going to have the operations?" "Yes, and I'll be taking prescriptions for the rest of my life, but that's no different than lots of people. I'm just lucky in some ways that things are working out as well as they are." "And that you're looking as beautiful as you do." I blush saying, "Thank you, you're too kind." I suppose I look attractive enough, I mean I know that I have always had some facial features that would lend themselves to feminization. The hormones I take regularly have certainly helped. And, of course, so has the help of Danny, Jillian's make-up artist, who spent a long time showing me the correct use of cosmetics and helping me practice until I could do my own. I still am not used to people telling me that I'm attractive...but I do love it! "You are, and thank you for sharing with me, but, I suppose I probably should tell you why I asked you here." "I am curious. I hope that the changes I've gone through won't affect what you have to say." "I do have one question about that. You mentioned a little about martial arts, are you still involved? As much as you were before?" "Well, I haven't competed at all since that day, but I've taught a number of classes and right now I'm employed as a trainer for self- defense." "Oh," he thinks for a second. "Good. Good! Well, there are two things I'd like to tell you. First, I don't know if your mother has mentioned it, and please don't take this wrong way, but she and I are still getting mail, both regular and email, that's very unkind to you." "Oh! No," I sigh slumping a little and exhale, "She hasn't mentioned it. That is rather depressing for me, I guess. I did get a few messages and notes before I left for California but I just thought with all this time, things would have quieted down. " "I would have thought so, too, but I suppose some people just can't move on. I want to say, I don't agree at all with what they're saying, I find it offensive in a way. I hold nothing against you. I've seen the video enough times and talked to a number of other people who are very experienced and everyone has said that the counter and throw you did were not only legal, but involved a technique they had only heard of in stories and tales from others, and were very impressed by how well you performed it." "Thank you," I blush slightly. He continues, "Anyway, I want you to know I hold no grudge or bad feelings towards you in any way. The second thing I want to say is, you asked for my forgiveness back when I was still in the hospital bed. I'm sorry I didn't give it then, I admit I wasn't in a good place, then, but I'm more than happy to give it now. Chris..sy, I forgive you. I hope that it's still the right thing to do." I look at him with tears starting to form, reaching out to touch his hand with mine, exhaling before I say, "It is. Thank you, thank you so very much, I really appreciate that. I'll never feel good about what happened, but thank you for telling me that. I needed it, and now you've given it. Thank you." "I think I needed it too. Okay if we go forward being friends?" he puts out his hand. "Yes, I'd like that a lot," I say as I clasp his, and find it's a very tender grip, and definitely a bigger hand than mine. I can't begin to describe how I feel right now. It's like this other weight that had been pulling me down has now finally been lifted. I am just so happy. "Are you okay?" he asks as he sees my tears. "Yes, please excuse me; this happens when unexpectedly good things happen. I hope you understand," I reach in my clutch and pull out a hankie which I now make sure to have available. "Yes, I do, a little, I guess," he smiles very tenderly, "Besides my brother, I have a sister I'm close to." I wipe my eyes as he then looks at me, and say, "Chrissy, before you go, there is one favor I want to ask of you." I smile replying, "Anything within my power, I'll be happy to do." "When I recover and the doc says it's okay, I'd like you teach me some of your moves." "Oh! Um, I guess I can. Are you sure it will be all right?" I certainly wasn't expecting that! "Like you, I'm not going to compete again, it's not for that. It's silly probably, but I just want to satisfy myself that I can respond to the counter you put up, and the throw. You knew more than I did that day, and you used it efficiently and appropriately. You deserved to win. But that's the thing in losing..." "We want to gain from it, so that we're the better for it. I understand, Roger. I'll be delighted to help you learn whatever you want. I just want to make sure you're cleared medically." "Of course, but I'm looking forward to that day now, a day at one time I didn't think I'd ever see, but it's now very much a good possibility." "From what I see, you're making wonderful progress. With what I had been told originally, I'd have to call it a miracle. With a lot of hard work and dedication thrown in." "I had a feeling you'd understand, and I'm glad you came by, and were willing to talk about it with me." I nod in agreement as I say, "A lot has happened to both of us since then, I just hope that you're on the path to a happier life, like I believe I am." "Thank you, Chrissy..." I come over and give him a hug, "No. Thank you for asking me here and for forgiving me. Again, I'll never feel good about what happened, but being friends is a lot better than before and, again, you don't know how much that means to me. Thank you." "Oh, uh, you're welcome, but let's do this right," he gets out as he pushes himself up off the chair with the help of his cane. Upon standing he hugs me back, which surprises me a little, but makes me feel a lot better. And I give him a little kiss on the cheek, which gives him a small blush. We chat for a little while longer, him mentioning his family and a little more about his brother which I listen to with interest, and I talk a little about southern California and how happy I am out there. Eventually I decide that I do have to be going. "Here's my phone number and address," I give him a piece of paper, "please keep in touch, and when you're ready and cleared, and I'm in the neighborhood, let me know and we'll set up a time where I'll show you that move and anything else you'd like." "Thanks again, Chrissy, you're coming has made my day here a little nicer. "Mine too, Roger, I'm looking forward to seeing you again. I am going to have to say good-bye, though, I have places I have to be." He looks at me a little wistfully, "I wish you could stay a little longer, but it's okay. So, good-bye, I guess, and I am looking forward to getting together, too. You are truly a beautiful woman, Chrissy, in more ways than one," finishing with a smile and a twinkle in his eyes, which all of a sudden I find very appealing. I also find over the next several weeks, I think of him at odd times, accompanied by a very nice feeling. But it eventually fades as other aspects of my life take precedence. As I leave Roger and the grounds, I turn around briefly and wave good- bye, and he, as I rather expected (hoped? I don't know), is watching me and waves back. As I reach my SUV, I'm thinking, 'this has certainly been a much better trip than I could ever have hoped for. Seeing my mother and having her accept me, seeing Roger and his forgiveness and gaining him as a friend, and even the other night with Jimmy. I am feeling so good now, and in a few more days, I'll be back with Jillian. My life certainly seems on track!' Of course, my brother, Jim, is still a little bit of a problem. He has that small town attitude towards anything that doesn't meet what he thinks are acceptable standards. The last time we're together before I leave, he says, "I'm not going to turn you away, you're still my sibling, brother..sister, and I still care about you. I'm just not convinced that it's something that has to do with genes or chemistry or at birth. I can see that you fully believe in what you're doing, I just don't accept that there's not some kind of cure or remedy." I take a big sigh in replying, "I really don't know all the science but being transgendered is a recognized condition, and I'm following the authorized standards of care in my transition. I'm seeing a doctor and a therapist and they're both very supportive of what I'm doing. Hopefully someday, being transgendered will be accepted." He does say, "I did have some serious doubts when you and your friend first arrived, but seeing how you and Mom get along, and seeing how happy Mom is and that she's definitely feeling better, I see that it may not be a bad thing. I'm just not sure it's a good thing...yet. But I still love you." "I understand. I love you, too." And I come over and give him a hug, which surprises him and which he gingerly returns. It's something, I suppose. Laurie is far more accepting. Over coffee, she tells me, "Chrissy, I can see that you're a lot happier and very comfortable being who you now are. That's good enough for me. If you ever want to talk about anything, call me anytime. And thank you for coming now, I can see it really has been good for your Mom." "Thank you so much, Laurie, I really appreciate your support." "You're welcome, and I'll keep working on your brother. I'm sure he'll eventually come around." The following Wednesday comes much too soon as in the intervening days, my mother and I spend some more time together, but I have to say good- bye to her and return to Los Angeles. As I take the last of my things out of my room to my car, I wonder about all the times I've spent in that room, dreaming and imagining being a young woman, but slipping back to reality and getting depressed that it would never happen. Yet, here I am. Life is so amazing sometimes. I also wonder what changes will take place before I see this room again, and even if I'll ever see it. After the final packing, with my mother outside with me, I turn to her. "Thank you for everything, Mom. You've made my stay here so wonderful." "Well, you're welcome and thank you, Chrissy. I've enjoyed getting to know my new daughter, and I'm so glad you came back for this visit. I've had a delightful time with both you and your friend, um, Jillian. Tell her I enjoyed her being here and I really enjoy her movies. I feel so much better about you, and you being here has been a help to me." "I will tell her. I promise I'll write and call and come back and visit more often." "That would be nice, dear. Just do what you can. And I'll keep working on your brother. I do know he does care about you, a lot." We hug each other in a very warm embrace as I have such good feelings right now. "I love you, Mom." "I love you, too, Chrissy," she replies as we give each other light cheek kisses. And then I'm off, back to the airport, catching the flights back to L.A., and back to Jillian and my job, feeling so much better about my life and where it's going. I've called Jillian almost daily during this last week, and our talks have been very pleasant and at times, quite intimate. I can tell she misses me, as much as I do her. Coming home to my family was enjoyable and emotional, but I'm really looking forward to being back with her. Back in drab androgynous clothing, I call Elizabeth while I'm changing planes in Chicago and she has a car waiting for me at the airport driven by Stephan. After I'm in, I ask him, "I know it's only been two weeks, but has anything, um, interesting happened?" "Not too much, Ms. Thomas is back on the set, and she is still in a good mood, but it's probably good that you'll rejoin her. Aaron seems to be a little more pleasant." "That's good to hear about Jillian. With Aaron, I hope it's not because I've been gone, but that's being probably too optimistic." "I can't really say, but you could be right. I will say, you were missed, I missed you, and your cheerfulness and openness. I'm glad you're back." "Well, thank you, Stephan, I missed all of you. I'm glad I'm back too!" Elizabeth is her usual self, politely happy to see me, but with a little more of a smile than usual. Thad and Kitae, as did Stephan, show a little more enthusiasm at my return. Contrary to what Stephan said, and more in line with my pessimism, Aaron seems even more distant. Jillian is, of course, thrilled that I've returned, as I immediately join her back on the set as her personal assistant. On several occasions, I'm approached by set workers who have confided that they can tell a big difference in how Jillian's moods are when I'm there with her, and how conflicts started to escalate (yet remained somewhat manageable) the week I remained at home. One does like to be missed a little upon returning after some time away as it gives a feeling that you're actually contributing in some way. That's why I really enjoy working for Jillian, she and her employees (or peeps or posse, I guess) for the most part do appreciate what I'm doing. It also makes cashing my paychecks a little easier on my conscience - most of which go right into savings. She and I continue to fall into each other's arms on the nights we can get together, which with the amount of time she spends on the set as well as the other places she has to be, and how tired we do become some days, are not nearly enough. But that allows us, as each time seems almost new, to be as involved and intimate as we can be, exploring each other's bodies and pleasure points to new heights of sensuality. One night as we finish up a fairly intense session, yet, it's still early by our internal clocks, Jillian rolls on to her back and asks, "Chrissy, I've always wondered something about transsexuals. Can I ask some questions?" "Sure, please ask anything you want," I softly say as I just lay there enjoying the afterglow and coming down from the intensity. She then rolls back facing me and starts gently caressing my body and my breasts, which are slowly filling out, with her fingers as she says, "Back when I first hired you, and we spent that night together, before we went to the other bedroom, you seemed to enjoy being with me as a guy. I had thought or maybe heard, I can't remember, that trannies didn't like their male parts, maybe even hated them. You certainly seemed to be having a good time then." I just sigh for a moment as I think about it, before replying, "We're all different. There really is no one defining or specific set of characteristics of being trans. I never hated my male genitals; I just never really cared for them. I'd always laugh inwardly when I'd hear about some guy accused of 'thinking with his dick' and not his brain. I never had that problem. At least not that I could tell. But I will admit, sometimes I wondered how true it was." She looks at me with a little smirk and I respond, "Hey, I would guess even gays do sometimes, but, okay, I never let it get the upper hand." She says with a little laugh, "All right, I'll give you that." I continue, "But when I found out about sex, I certainly enjoyed whatever it is that happens when the stimulation reaches a certain level. So, I'd just imagine a lot of different scenarios where I'm fully a girl. I just let my imagination wander all around." "So, you're saying that when we came together that night, you were imagining yourself as female?" "Yes, I probably was. I suppose that sounds odd, but understand, during my teen years and into my twenties, I'd look at attractive girls, and wonder about having sex with them, but I never once imagined the moment where the two of us would actually be together, naked and actually engaging in raw sex, although, it did happen. Even then, I never ever did the macho thing. You know, muscle my way through it. But I seldom if ever imagined it with any specific girl." "Yes, I can see that, you do come across as rather gentle. I do like that." I look at her with a smile and a nod, thinking back to some, um, interesting moments with her, before I continue, "Anyway, more often, I would just imagine myself being attractive, wearing attractive dresses, skirts, blouses, and then coming together with some non-descript male. I never much looked at guys because at those times since I was both dressed and trying to appear as a male, that maleness would just get in the way. It was just easier fantasizing myself as a girl and hooking up with some fantasy guy." She looks at me and sighs, "Sounds complicated." "I guess it is. I suppose it's a kind of defense we put up to protect us from those who would persecute us, you know, and we do that by trying to appear male in moments where one is expected to. As well as, in a way, trying to deal with this sort of split personality. Whatever works, I guess." "It's working for me," she says as we become entwined again beginning with our lips pressed to each other's. And I become lost in the moment, not having to imagine anything about myself. Oh, that life could always continue to be so simple, as that saying goes, work, play, love. Yet, as the weeks go by, complications seem to start appearing, two particularly, but others, too, that within months become greater than I would ever have imagined, with unexpected consequences. At the same time, with the changes I'm going through, several situations arise where I could be gaining long term benefits. One of the complications is the growing animosity that Aaron is displaying. His dislike of me comes to a head sooner, and proves to be a lot more hurtful than I had thought possible. Ever since I arrived, I've had a lot of trouble understanding his motives and actions. As I continue my classes with Aaron and the others, it remains rather obvious that he is trying as much as possible to overpower me whenever the opportunity presents itself. The few times he does, it's because I'm showing the class some move and I let him, which only makes him more determined, and in some ways, more resentful. The others have come to me telling me what they have done to try to alleviate the situation. Stephan takes me aside after one session where Aaron has been unusually difficult, saying, "Chrissy, both Thad and keep trying to talk to him about his attitude, but, you know, he is always friendly and considerate saying that he just gets into the spirit of the lessons and that he feels you shouldn't mind and can handle it. And he always promises to be respectful. I'm not sure what more we can do because other than in your classes, he's appears to be a good employee. Miss Thomas sees only that. When she does attend, it's obvious to us, he's putting on an act for her." I shake my head slightly as I say, "I understand, thanks for trying. I'll just have to remain careful and on my guard." He finishes, "I'm sorry you're having to go through this, I'm just not sure where it will end. I hate to say it, but probably not good for somebody." I can feel Aaron's intensity and determination increasing as it's obvious that Jillian and I are in the midst of a very serious relationship. I'm guessing he's expressing his feelings that he's resentful that I'm where he thinks he should be. Coincidentally, my dates for my surgeries are fast approaching, and I also wonder if that somehow is involved as I know Aaron still has his macho attitude, believing that males are just naturally stronger than females besides being superior in other ways. He often makes little asides to that effect when we're sparring with each other, just loud enough for me to hear, but no one else. I suppose he's trying here to make me lose my focus, and sometimes I want to, but I'm able to overcome his attempts. Like Stephan, I'm just not sure where this is leading. On a more positive note, I'm finding that I'm being noticed more on the set by the people behind the scenes - assistant producers, gaffers, script girls, and the like. I'm also getting flirted with by any number of the young men - and some women - but at this stage in my life, I gently and pleasantly turn down most suggestions of potential dates. Jillian has noticed, of course, but is accepting of me to make wise - and appropriate - decisions. She mentions, "Hey, sweetie, you're free to go out with whoever you please, when I don't want you, but just be really careful. There always seems to be some very less than desirable people who hang around these sets. Just stay safe!" "Thanks. I will, but I also know I'm not quite ready for that kind of involvement yet. Give me several more months," I smile as she just rolls her eyes. I have become friends with one young woman, Deanna, who is working around the set, mostly as a gopher. I'm guessing she's related to someone higher up who got her this job. When Jillian is otherwise busy, we usually have lunch together. She's from the Midwest, suburbia Illinois, near Chicago, so we're able to share some life experiences plus she's a year or so younger than me. "This is such a hectic atmosphere, you know? I'm lucky I got this job, but I wonder how everyone manages it out here. Long hours, parties I should be attending that go on forever. I envy you your job, Chrissie, Jillian Thomas looks so great to work for." "It does have its moments, but I understand. Life out here certainly is different than back in the Mid-west, isn't it?" "Uh huh. I just hope I can last long enough to get where I really want, film editing. I think that would be really interesting. That was my dream job in college. It's just hard to break into a job like that without having some experience, and you can only get that by someone hiring you. And, you know, it's like they have to really know you, too." I ponder this for a moment, "I do know one or two people, I could mention you to them, if you'd like. I can't promise anything," I say, thinking of Ron and Sammy. "Oh! Do you think so? That'd be great. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks." I enjoy helping others out as I've certainly been helped. And as I'm becoming known, I'm getting feelers about possibly providing some training to others in the business. It helped raise my profile when one young man came on the set, either high or drunk, or probably both, walking - or staggering - right over to Jillian's trailer and tried to force his way in. I intercepted him, and talked to him, trying to convince him to calm down. He was having none of that. "Out of my way, bitch, I'm gonna to see that fuckin' whore if I have to tear this door down," he shrieked as he started to shove me out of the way. Wrong move on his part, as I stepped back while he reached for me, getting him off balance, then grabbing his arm, and as he was stumbling forward towards me, I brought the toe of my shoe up between his legs. Immediately, he dropped to the ground, and I forced him to his stomach, pinning one arm behind him. He was in too much agony to do much. Two security men were quickly on him, and more or less dragged him away, with him moaning incoherently. Needless to say, a number of people saw (or heard about!) the whole encounter and wondered exactly who I was. This all has led to some offers to train several of the production workers in self-defense. In talking it over with Jillian, she agrees to let me work with certain selected people, those who she thinks might be able to help her in the future as well as not posing much of a problem for me. I am not bothered by that in the least, as the numbers could be more than I would be able to handle. The biggest problem is working these new clients into my schedule. As word of these sessions spread, I also receive some inquiries from higher profile people in the business, executives as well as actors. Ron, who because of his position, is around the set occasionally, takes me aside as my 'fame' seems to be rising and says, "Be careful in accepting some of these requests, Chrissy. I like you and I don't want to see you hurt. If you have any concerns, come see me. I'll know if they're legit. Some of these people I work with may have other things on their minds then simply working out with you." "Thank you, so much, Ron. You're really such a sweetheart to me!," I say, wondering about how I'm appearing to others, and also understanding that Ron does like to know what's going on and if I can give him any information, he certainly appreciates it. However, as Jillian's work on the production starts winding down (because these rom-coms she stars in quickly wrap up principal shooting), my first surgery is now a week away. Dr. Sanjay (with input from Jillian) hooked me up with a specialist on breast augmentation who has performed a number of surgeries on both natal women and transsexuals. His approval ratings as well as his costs are fairly high. I'm now having to make decisions on all sorts of aspects of the surgery that I had little considered. Not to bore anyone with the technical terms, I've had to decide on breast shape, either round or tear-drop, smooth or textured linings, breast implant size (there are some limits!), whether to go with saline or silicone gel (the latter just recently legal in the U.S - or take part in experimental trials where they're exploring other fillers), where to make the incisions, around the nipple, underneath the breast, the armpit or the navel, and where to place the implants, above the muscle area, partially beneath it, or underneath it. And these are just a few of the major decisions! All these have advantages as well as drawbacks which I have to consider carefully. So many choices, so of course, I go with the doctor's recommendations, along with strong suggestions from Jillian, since she is paying for it! Now, contrary to the desires of way too many transsexuals and because I have now developed smallish but significant breasts through hormone therapy, we decide on more natural sized breasts rather than the larger sizes usually desired, which the surgeon approves since it means a greater chance of minimal long term problems. The day of my first operation arrives, my breast augmentation, and I'm a little nervous about it. I mean, it's one thing to dream about being who you really are, and wishing for a moment when you feel you're getting close. It can be quite another to actually accept that you're going in for some major surgery and you're coming out different. I had been with Jillian the previous night and I have to admit, it was one of the better nights we have been together. She is so loving and at the same time, so able to get me to experiment doing so many different erotic things with her. I feel like such a novice at all this, but she seems to really enjoy showing me all the ways a woman can be aroused. Unfortunately, she can't spend a lot of time at the hospital with me because of her movie commitments, as she says as she leaves in the morning with a little disappointed look, "Hey, sweetie, you know I'll be thinking of you every minute, and I promise as soon as I can later today, I'll come visit. I know Elizabeth will take good care of you until I get there." "I know she will, I'll be missing you, too," I reply as we embrace a little. As Elizabeth and I get in the car to go to the clinic, I say to her, "I realize you're always quite busy, keeping track of everything, you really didn't have to accompany me." "Chrissy, Ms. Thomas did not have to ask me, I would have been right here next to you regardless," she replies trying to display her usual minimal emotion, but her eyes tell a different story. I'm glad she's here. The operation is actually considered rather routine, although I don't think it is in the least. I get quite squeamish at the sight of blood, especially my own, but fortunately I'm anesthetized, so I remember very little to nothing of it, except slowly waking up with some nurses around me, in the recovery room and Elizabeth looking a little anxious. When I can finally think about things in a coherent manner, I can certainly feel that something is vastly different about my chest area, as Elizabeth says, "The nurses were getting concerned as you were out for about a half hour more than they expected!" I smile and reply, "I guess it's cuz I'm just so...comfortable here." And I just lay back thinking about what I look like and wondering about my next visit. There is a two day stay in an onsite apartment to make sure the procedure is successful with no complications, which, thankfully, it is, during which time Jillian comes to visit. Of course, she wants to be all over me, and wants to see them, and is quite excited, but I've been warned to wait a week with very minimal activity, just resting, and then another week before engaging in any serious physical activity. "You heard the doctor, he said two weeks, and I love these so much, I'll do whatever it takes to make sure there are no problems. I hope you understand, Jillian." "Yes, but, two weeks! I don't know if I can wait that long, sweetie, but I guess I'll just have to," Jillian says rather plaintively, but looking very appreciatively at my new shape. I do spend a rather significant amount of time just standing nude in front of a mirror looking at myself and sometimes just cupping my breasts with my hands to feel the weight, to know that this is me. I'm still tucked and with my now longish hair, affects from the hormones and workouts reshaping my body, and now these breasts which are nice sized and feel almost real (think goodness that silicone is available again), I feel not just very feminine, but very...relaxed, like I'm now almost the way I should have been from whenever. Just one last surgery is now on the horizon for me to complete this physical part of my transition. As soon as I let Jillian know that I'm fully recovered, she is all over me both in intimate moments and in our times out of the compound on our fun excursions. "You're going to need a completely new wardrobe to show off your figure," Jillian informs me, "and I'm just the girl who knows how you should look." And we're off to any number of stores where we both spend hours trying on different clothes. Because I have been accompanying Jillian to the set, and meeting many people, we're both in disguise while out and about. And, of course, as two young women, we're just two more girls in the crowd of young women on expensive shopping sprees. One of the first places we go, is to an intimate apparel little boutique where Jillian makes sure I'm finally fitted correctly for a bra. When I was in that little apartment, and finally alone, that was the first piece of clothing I tried on, and the feeling......oh! my, was it so wonderful. I couldn't keep it on, as I was still healing, but I couldn't help but let out one long sigh as I felt the how it held up...my breasts. Towards the end of the second week, I return with Jillian to the set, and as I sort of expected, practically nobody really notices, except that there are comments that I seem to be even happier than I had been before I left. Deanna does notice but I had mentioned it to her, and anyway, breast enlargement is so common around here, that it's just part of life in southern California. I am glad someone did comment as I really do want to share this moment of happiness. "You have a very attractive figure, Chrissy...," she says as she looks me over, with an obvious pause. "What? Is there something wrong?" "Not at all. The last several girls I've met who've had breast surgery have come back, oh, I shouldn't say it, but it's been obviously way too much. I'm so glad you're really sensible about this. That's why I like you so much, a good mid-west girl." "Thanks," and I just smile. Since the production is soon to wrap, there isn't as much for me to do, just look nice, make sure Jillian is where she needs to be and is comfortable between takes and the requisite retakes. I also start working back into my training and teaching the others at the compound. Thad, Stephan and Kitae are all quite careful in working with me, even when I say it's all right. And of course, Aaron remains his usual self, still apparently trying to prove something, although I'm not exactly sure what that is. When he is pleasant and forgets I'm around I find him, oh, interesting, I suppose. One very nice surprise for me is that even after I switched from appearing male over to female, the others have continued to include me in when they go out to the various clubs after hours. "Are you sure it's okay for me to come along?" "Of course, you're still welcome, Chrissy. This isn't just a guy thing. We used to ask Elizabeth to join us, but since she's married, she's always declined," Stephan responds. "Your friend, Kevin is welcome too." I have to explain that I had to let my friendships with Kevin and Avery stop because of the changes I've been going through. "But, I do plan someday to meet with them again, hopefully to accept me. And I'll ask Kevin to rejoin us then." The first several times we do go out, either Stephan or Thad act like we're together, so that I don't get hit on. Of course at these clubs, I do anyway, but I'm able to decline any advances. I have noticed that with my breasts now fuller and somewhat bigger, that I catch a few more guys glancing at them. I think guys did it before, but it's a little more noticeable now. Being able to ignore the response is something else I'm going to have to learn to do. It's when we're out like this that I catch Aaron being quite pleasant and almost including me in his conversations, and then he'll realize that I'm paying attention and he'll come to a start, pause, and then become irritated or turn away. It's times like this that I find his attitudes and actions quite confusing. I found out after it happened, that Jillian had caught a few moments of his treatment of me during one of our training sessions and had talked to him about it. I'm not sure what she said, but for the next session or so, he seemed less hostile, but he soon reverted to his former self. Other than the hassles with Aaron, the days pass quite pleasantly for me as I begin focusing on the final operation. Jillian is excited for me and seems quite anxious for the operation. Elizabeth takes a calmer approach, asking, "Chrissy, I know you've talked this over with your doctor and therapist, but I've seen you in a lot more day to day situations. This is big operation you're having. It's what you really want, that's right, isn't it?" I sigh and smile, touching her on the arm, "Yes, it is. Since I've been four or five or old enough to remember...and to know. This is something I've dreamed of all my life and this dream is about to come true. Maybe not for everyone, but it seems there is some truth to this being the land of dreams." She smiles back, "OK. I can see it in your eyes, your body language, they're all saying 'yes' even more than your words. I'm not sure I could go through with an operation like this if I were a guy. It's still pretty much a man's world we live in." "I know, I'm finding that out, but I've the chance now to be me, finally, and that's something very important to me." I will be having a vaginoplasty which both Dr. Sanjay and the performing surgeon have discussed with me. I've also read up on it (and of course so has Jillian who has her own ideas on everything), and I start on a special diet several days before the scheduled surgery hoping to reduce if possible any serious scarring or bruising and helping in my recovery. I go in for the surgery and this time both Jillian and Elizabeth come with me which I am ever so thankful for. Thad, Stephan and Kitae all wish me well, while Aaron doesn't say anything. I'm in surgery for not quite two hours, and I am quite out of it when I come out. Jillian has waited for me, but when I'm back in the recovery room, and the doctor has said the operation was a success, she has to leave, which I understand, as she holds my hand, saying, "You're doing wonderful sweetie, I'm so proud of you." I just smile at her and nod, understanding that she has to go. Anyway, I'm in some discomfort and I just want to sleep and make it go away. Recovery now consists of lots of rest and lots and lots of icepacks besides the special diet all designed to keep the swelling and bruising at a minimum. It still looks rather ugly down there, but at the same time, almost beautiful as there is now nothing dangling between my legs. I know guys who have sort of named theirs, given it pet names; and I know for lots of guys, it's somehow a visible, personal, and significant symbol of their maleness. And guess what? I don't miss it in the least. The only advantage I could ever see was the ability to aim, but since I never, ever cared to engage in 'those' kinds of contests, it's been like, 'so what'. As I recover, Jillian comes by every day to check up on me. I'm now temporarily in the main house in a side bedroom as it will be easier for both Jillian and Elizabeth to look in on me, as well as a part time nurse Jillian has hired to make sure my recovery is on track. Again like with the filling out of my breasts, there are times that I just want to stand in front of a mirror and look at myself, as if I just can't believe that I'm now made over, something at times in my previous life I thought would never happen. Several times Jillian comes in as I am standing looking at myself, and she comes up behind me and holds me. "You look absolutely beautiful, Chrissy. You're now the woman I knew you could be when I first saw you," she says as she wraps her arms around me. "I just...I can't thank you enough, Jillian. A dream I thought would never happen has come true," I reply as I slowly turn and we embrace. I cannot describe how fulfilled I am feeling, finally knowing that I'm me. As the healing continues and the swelling and bruising subside, we come together more and more often, and it's as joyous and exciting and thrilling as I had hoped it would be. I have to use increasing sizes of specially designed dilators to make sure the healing is handled correctly; and Jillian is more than willing to help. I was afraid that she would be too busy for me, but she has been wonderful, making time and being there. As I recover, Jillian also helps me as I learn how to care for my new vagina, showing me all the things girls learn from early adolescence through their teen years. Of course I won't be having any menstrual cycles, but I still need to learn how to properly care for my new plumbing. And of course, as I heal and recover, Jillian and I begin slowly experimenting with my new equipment. I've always been quite sensitive to touches and Jillian found out quite early that she could get me aroused by expert use of her fingers and tongue - as well as by some appliances of which she has a goodly supply. My sensitivity now includes my breasts with which she spends a fair amount of time playing and caressing. And now my vagina becomes more available. The dilators give me some feeling of having something up in there, but the day soon comes when Jillian straps on a dildo that has the appearance and feel of a man's penis...except.... I gasp, "That's so big! You're going to rip me apart!" "Sweetie, you are planning on seeing men eventually, aren't you?" I take a breath, "Well, yes. I do think about it." "Good, I want you to. Just understand that some guys have bigger ones than this. You're going to want to be able to take them aren't you?" "I...I suppose so," I say as my eyes are still quite wide. "I'll be gentle...the first several times, then we'll see," she smiles rather wickedly at me. I gasp even more as she fills me up, which leads to the most erotic night I've ever had. I'm exhausted as she gives me a tender kiss and leaves early the next morning. "Come on over to the set when you're able. You're a real doll! Bye!" I can only lay there in half a dream thinking back on the night we just spent. As I recover and am able to do more activities, I'm again invited by Thad and Stephan to join them on their nights out which I eagerly do. I feel so lucky that I have such good friends as well as a devoted lover. So much I need to learn and to know and they are there for me. When I finally return to teaching the classes in the compound, I feel that I'm just not quite as quick and definitely not as agile as I had been. I'm sure a lot of it's because I've not been able to keep up on my practicing and working out. While the others understand this and don't try to use brute force with me, Aaron does and even more so than before. I can overhear both Stephan and Thad at times say to him, "Hey, bro, tone it down a little. Nothing to prove here." He just smiles at them and I can tell when we work together my first day back, he just increases his intensity a notch...or two. His throws and take downs have an element of anger in them, and while I can usually use that to my advantage, my having had to cut back my workouts has left me a little more vulnerable. During the second session back, Aaron forces his way into working out with me, and during one throw, catches me just right and uses far more force than necessary to take me to the mat. I'm not fully prepared for it, and it knocks the wind out of me as I lay there trying to catch my breath. He then starts to grab me to throw me again, as Thad immediately intervenes, saying, "Hey! Bud! Let her up!" He has to physically restrain Aaron from attempting to throw me again. At that moment, Jillian who has been watching from a doorway totally unnoticed by us, intentionally so, rushes over and says, "Everyone! Stop!" Which Thad, Kitae and even Aaron all do immediately. She comes over to me, kneels as I slowly sit up and says, "Are you all right? Is everything okay?" I can see a genuinely worried look on her face as I feel all around and then say, "Yes...it's all right, I just had the wind knocked out of me for a moment. I'll be fine." Jillian replies, "Are you sure? You are okay, right? Take your time and make sure." I do check myself more thoroughly and can't find or feel anything damaged, although I do realize the possibility, and shake my head saying, "Uh, uh, I'm fine." Jillian says with obvious relief, "I'm glad" and then stands and turns to Aaron who has sort of backed off a little, and she says to him, "I saw everything you did. I have asked you to treat these as training sessions only and to respect everyone here including your instructor. You also know that Ms. Fielding has just had two rather serious operations. I can't take the chance that you'll cause someone severe injury." She pauses and then starting directly at him, "You've been warned, this isn't the first time, and I doubt it's even the second. You have left me no choice in this matter. You're fired, effective immediately. I expect you out of the compound by 6 tonight." "B..but!" "Not a word, I will not tolerate that kind of attitude in my staff. Chrissy, you're sure you're okay?" "Yes," I say as I stand, feeling around, "you don't have.." "Yes, I do. It's very important to me that my employees understand and follow my rules. Good-bye, Aaron. You can start your packing right now. I have an appointment, so I expect to see you gone when I return." She turns to me and says, "Call me later, I want to make sure you're okay." And she leaves. Aaron slowly gathers his things and stares at me as he leaves, but I just ignore him. It's a little difficult getting back into the session and after he leaves, I cut it short. I feel a little depressed, because I don't like being responsible for anything bad happening to anyone - even to those two strange men I had to deal with - but everyone convinces me that it's for the better. The saddest part of this is that when Aaron was nice around me, I really liked him, enough that I sometimes would daydream of what it might be like having a long term relationship with him. I have known for a long time that the possibility of that happening was almost zero, but I could dream. But now those dreams are nightmares I just want to forget. Several weeks later, Jillian hires a new bodyguard to replace Aaron. His name is Eric and he is decent around all of us, and only sees me as another employee and, of course, just a young woman. Stephan and Thad like him and he joins us when we go out. He has had some martial arts training and is impressed when he joins our workouts. He asks me about it at lunch one day in the compound. "So, Chrissy, you have an interesting style that I've seldom seen in the competitions I've been at. Where did you take your training? Here in California?" "No, I'm from Ohio, the Toledo area. When I was younger a dojo opened up there and I started taking lessons. It's been a lot of work since then to keep up and keep sharp." "I can understand. I'm just surprised a little that I haven't heard of you before. You're obviously good enough for serious competition." "Oh, possibly, but some issues came up several years ago and I stopped any level of competing. I may tell you about it someday." "That's all right, I was just wondering. Who was your master if I may ask?" I think back to those days with a smile on my face as I respond, "We called him Master Wu. I'm not sure if that's his real name. He was Asian, probably Chinese, but I'm not sure about that either. He looked quite old, but that was deceiving as he was rather active and quite agile on the mats." Eric stares into space for a moment, "You know, there are always legends and stories going around the dojos and gyms, nobody knows how true they are, but I think I've heard of your Master Wu. If it's who I think it is, I'm really impressed. I can see that whoever trained you was a top master." "Thanks. Um, if it's not asking too much, just keep this between us. Okay? I haven't seen him in years, but I just like keeping a low profile, and I really enjoy giving these lessons without too much expectations. Is that all right with you?" "I promise, this is between us." He appears quite sincere. I can tell that I like Eric a lot. He certainly is breath of fresh air, which I mention to Jillian. Her response is, "Before you go all head over heels on him, he's got a girlfriend and I understand they're pretty serious." "Oh," I reply as I realize I'm having to think about my emotions a little more than before, keep them in check, perhaps. I was starting to daydream about him! With Aaron now gone and my recovery complete, the days take on a kind of pleasant summer's afternoon aspect. The somewhat structured classes I have been conducting give way by agreement to common workouts where each one works on different holds, maneuvers, positions. Jillian joins us on rare occasions, but she does seem to be learning some things. I still go out dancing with Sammy every so often which I greatly enjoy. I mentioned Deanna's desire to Ron and he found her a position as an assistant (very assistant) film editor. We still meet for lunch about once a month, and she actually joins us occasionally on our nights out at clubs. Jillian's second movie is set to open soon, and the buzz is even more positive than her first one. She had finished that one prior to my hiring, as the one that is now in post-production is her third and the last of her initial three movie option deal. She is now in negotiations for her next movie which is a sequel to her first, tentatively titled, "Change of Seasons." She sighs a little bit talking about it to me, "I'm not sure about this sequel business, too often they're just not as good as the original, but the offer was too good to pass on. I've already seen the first script, and I couldn't get through even half of it, it was so bad. They're busy rewriting and hoping now to get the first movie's screenwriter on board. If they don't, I'll have to consider my options." I've seen a first cut of the movie she just finished and sure enough, there is my name way down in the credits as 'Assistant to Jillian Thomas.' My mother will certainly get a kick out of that...assuming she can tell her friends that her youngest son is now her daughter. I'm now just about as happy as I've ever been. I'm now what I've always dreamed and hoped I would be, yet never, ever believed it would come to pass. I have a dream job, friends, a loving relationship. I'm occasionally seeing guys, just casually, for now, learning my way around relationships, and there is Jillian who got me out of my shell so to speak, encouraged me to follow my dream, and helped me in ways I don't know if I could ever repay. Yet, as the weeks turn to months and new movie projects replace the old ones, with different sets of people, I can feel that something is changing. Our moments together are just as intense as they've been since she showed me all the ways women can enjoy themselves and their partners. But she doesn't seems as interested in going out for lunch or at other times. And there are more and more times when she does go out that I am pointedly not invited. She is always very pleasant when we're together giving little to no indication what she might be thinking. I don't want to cause any problems, so I learn to keep my thoughts to myself hoping things will slowly work their way out. Elizabeth comes to me as my confusion about what's going on has turned to wondering what has happened to any kind of girlfriend relationship I used to have with Jillian. I'm left thinking that there might have been some action I've done or said that has offended her in some way. "Hi," she says trying to be positive, "I wish there were something I could say about what's been happening, but I'm at a loss. Ms. Thomas seems to be in some kind of mood, and there doesn't seem to be much any of us can do to get her out of it." "So, it's not just me?" She sighs, "No, she's been rather abrupt with all of us lately. Maybe it's who she's seeing now, or maybe she's concerned about her career. I don't know." I know she's been dating guys off and on for a long time, and has repeatedly told me that she just enjoys different relationships and there's nothing I'm doing wrong. I accept the fact that she may never be tied down to anyone person. I reply, "I'm really not sure what to do now, what my role here is. She has indefinitely cancelled any of those outings she hired me for originally, telling me not to plan any more until she decides, I've got the staff fairly well trained, and if she were on a set, I have to wonder if she'd want me there as an assistant." "Are you thinking of leaving us?" Elizabeth says after a moment and with a concerned look. "I'm not sure I'm doing much good for anyone here right now, especially myself." "Don't say that. You've really been an excellent companion to Ms. Thomas. Everyone here has greatly appreciated all you've done and how you've been with her. It would be a shame to see you go." "I'm not sure I see much of any other choice right now. There was supposed to be some fun in this, and a good deal of that is now gone. And it's obvious Jillian cares much less about me than she once did." "I know it's been difficult for you, but I still think she likes you, it's just hard for her to show it at this time." "Thanks for the encouragement, but I'm now thinking it's probably time for me to move on. I certainly appreciate all she's done for me, I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't been hired. But there's no real reason for me to stay now." "Chrissy, I'm going ask you for a favor. I don't often do it, but I think it important." "Please ask, you know I'd do whatever I could for you, you've been so good to me." "Put off your decision for two weeks. I'll work on her and see if we can get this resolved." I take a breath, "Okay, I can do that." The two weeks do seem to drag by, as I have very little to do other than work out, go out shopping a little, have lunch once with Deanna, where I do confide a little about my possibility of leaving Jillian. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she says, "What are you going to do?" "I may stay around here for a while, I do like it here, or I may head back to Ohio. I'm not sure." "You're welcome to stay with me. I've got that big apartment and my previous, um, roommate left me hanging." "Thanks, that sounds interesting, but I do miss my family and all." "I'm going to miss you lots if you do leave. You've been so helpful to my feeling better about being here, and getting me that interview which has led to several job offers now. I really appreciate all you've done for me. Thank you so much!" "Oh, you're welcome," I say quietly and then add, "I'll let you know as soon as I know, thank you for your kind offer, I'm just not sure what I want to do if it doesn't work out with Jillian. This time of year, going back to Ohio sounds appealing." "I can understand, especially with the holidays approaching. I still haven't yet got used to palm trees at Christmas. If you do go, please stay in touch with me. You were the first person out here who was friendly to me without having some hidden reason or motive. I truly like you for that." "Oh! Thank you. I remember when I first arrived, and how someone was the like that for me. I guess I'm just paying it forward," I say thinking of Kevin and Avery, "and I'll definitely want to stay in touch." Unfortunately, the two weeks come to an end, and Elizabeth tells me she has tried to talk to Jillian about what's going on, but has been denied any chance at a meaningful discussion. If anything, Jillian and I are more distant than ever. I finally decide to confront her and take back a little control of my future. I check with Elizabeth, and then one afternoon I find myself knocking on Jillian's door. "Oh, hello, Chrissy. Is there something you need? I'm in sort of a hurry here, I'm meeting Geoff in a little while." I've seen Geoff and I'm just not very sure about him. Jillian seems to like him a lot. All I really know is that he's into some religion out here with which some people, including Ron, have issues with. Anyway, I sigh, replying, "Jillian, I have to know. Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry if I did." She barely looks at me as she continues getting herself ready, "What do you mean? Is there some problem?" "I guess I'm confused as to why I'm still employed." "Well, you've been a very good and loyal employee and I always reward loyalty." "Yes, I understand, and thank you, but you don't seem to want me around you anymore, any of the things which you hired me to help you with." She pauses for a moment, and then rather blithely says again, without much looking at me, "I've moved on. I want different things now. You're welcome to continue in my employ, I see no particular reason to want you to go. Oh, and if you do stay, it would probably be appropriate if you addressed me as Ms. Thomas from now on, like the rest of my staff." I'm reminded of a request she made of me when I first started, but I think it's rather pointless to bring it up now. But I do say, "If you started your next movie in the next few days or week or two, would you want me to join you again on the set as your personal assistant?" She takes way too long seeming to want to formulate some response, which leads me to the only avenue left, as I say before she can reply, "I understand, now. I'm giving you my two week notice...Ms. Thomas. I'll put it in writing for Elizabeth shortly. I've enjoyed working for you, and I greatly appreciate all you've done for me. I'll always be indebted to you for that. And I wish you all the best in the coming years." Jillian takes a breath with almost a pained look and starts to say something, but her expression quickly changes back to the emotionless state it was in as she responds, "Thank you for your service." And she returns to what she was doing. The rest of the staff show a lot more emotion at my leaving, even Eric who I've only barely got to know. Stephan, who I was closest to says to me, "We're all going to miss you Chrissy. I've really enjoyed working with you, the classes, our get- togethers outside of work. I wish you weren't going, but I understand. You've got to do what's best for you. I'm just not sure Ms. Thomas knows what's best for her." "Thank you, Stephan, I'm going to miss all of you. I hope for all your sake, that she eventually figures that out." I give them all hugs, with the longest and most heartfelt one for Stephan. I gather up my things, sending most of them to storage while I decide about my future, both long term and immediate. I call Deanna and she still makes the offer, so I'll probably crash there for a few days. I certainly don't want to impose on her or anyone else any longer than I have to. At the end of the two weeks, I come into Elizabeth's office for what I'm sure will be my last time. She smiles at me about as sweetly and sincerely as I've ever seen her. "Do you know what you're going to do?" she asks quietly. I think for a moment, and reply, "Probably head back to my home, back to Ohio in a few days. I'll be staying with a friend until then. I haven't seen my mother in a while. Thank you so much for everything, Elizabeth, I've really enjoyed being here, and knowing and working with you all." "Is it okay if we stay in touch? You never know what might come up." "Yes, you have my cell and my mother's number in Ohio. I think my ride's here. Thank you again, Elizabeth, really, for all you've done, all you've been to me. I can't express my appreciation enough." "You're welcome....and Chrissy? Thank you for all you've done. For most of your time here, it was the happiest and most relaxed I've seen Ms. Thomas as long as I've known her. Just know you made a difference. Good-bye and good luck wherever you go." "Bye," I say as we hug, both of us with a few tears. And I grab my suitcase and leave, with a sigh and a heavy heart. As the taxi pulls away, I try not looking around, but I have to take one more glance at everything, for I somehow feel I may never see it again. To be continued