How I Became The Baddest Girl In Clarksville free porn video

How I became the Baddest Girl in Clarksville Part 7 The Boy in the Bubble -Please wait for directions- It wasn't a surprise when the buzz reached me that Monica Bonds no longer attended Clarksville High. The story passed around had her moving in with an Aunt and Uncle somewhere north of Clarksville. She'd done it, they said, to be near the sanatorium where Bradley Conrad was housed. I didn't care about the "why". I was just glad she was gone. I wished the two of them all the happiness their combined insanity and delusional paranoia could produce. Now if only Brooke Simmons would take a cue and vanish in her own puff of sulfuric smoke my life might be complete. What I didn't know was although Monica was theoretically out of my life, she'd left a little something in the form of rumors and innuendo about my former life as boy. I wouldn't find out about this until later. At the moment I was dealing with one of Shelly's bouts of insecurity: a mix of protectiveness, suspicion, and green-eyed jealousy. "So you'll go to the dance for Austin," she said frowning at me. "But not for us." We were standing outside the school by the bus ramp, waiting for Ms. Gartman to pick us up. I let out an exasperated huff. "Does it really matter? I thought you'd be happy. You've been nagging me about going ever since they announced it. Now, when I say I'll go, you get pissed." "I didn't nag you and I'm not pissed. I'm hurt." "Well you shouldn't be. I only agreed to go with Austin because I'm tired of him following me around, and this is a good way to end it. Actually, I was planning on going anyway." "You were?" "Sure. All of my friends will be there." "Including your BFF," she tossed out. "I was just trying to think of an excuse because I made such a big deal of not going." This wasn't true. I was only going because of Austin, but it was easier to let Shelly believe she'd convinced me. "I love you, Alex," she squealed, wrapping me in a bone-crushing hug. "You can be so silly about things. You really don't have to be." "Yeah, that's me," I managed to squeak out as my ribs threatened to crack. "Silly Mille." Since it was official I was going to the Freshman Social; I had a reason for Ms. Gartman to stop by my house on the way to hers. My excuse: I needed a dress. The ones Shelly packed were too casual for a dance. The real reason for the stop was for my jeans Shelly conveniently forgot to pack. I returned to the car with a couple of dresses my skinny jeans and a grin. If Shelly noticed she didn't say anything, probably because she'd gotten her way about me going to the dance. That was fine. Everything was fitting nicely into my plans. When we reached Shelly's house, my first priority was to shed my skirt and tights. Back in jeans again I felt more like myself. I folded and stored my other jeans in the chest-of-drawers Ms. Gartman emptied (another act of kindness on her part) so I'd have a place to put my things. The dresses went into the closet with the others. I tossed my skirt into the dirty clothes hamper. With everything put away, I plopped onto the bed, proud of myself. I wasn't much of a neat-nik; to the contrary, I was a slob. But that was at home. At Ms. Gartman's, I felt an obligation to keep my loaner room in a state of orderly perfection. So far I'd done a good job. She'd even complimented me on how nice everything looked. It wasn't long before my eyes wandered to where my book bag hung from the wall hook beside the closet door. Then I was on my feet carrying it back to the bed. I set it beside me and unzipped the main pocket. The little stuffed bear peeped out at me with one shinny black eye. I lifted it out and sat it in my lap. Like the charm bracelet from my father, there was something about the bear that it made me feel special. The feeling had nothing to do with ownership but rather that Austin cared enough to give it to me. This was the problem. Most of the time I wanted Austin gone. He made me feel things in ways I was uncomfortable with, But the gift of the bear and those beautifully gray eyes tripped me up, ensnaring me like a spider's cleaver web. And here I was stroking the teddy bear's soft fur thinking about the boy that gave it to me. I got off the bed and carried the little bear with me into the bathroom. I sat it carefully on the marble counter and closed the door so I faced the full-length mirror. Then I began to shed my clothes letting them fall to the floor. The girl with honey gold hair looked back at me with large blue eyes. The brown tip nipples of her small breasts stood erect, hard from the cool air. I traced a line down her body with a finger, halting at the bit of blond tuft above her slit. Boys and girls were so different. "You're me... and... I'm... you," I said. The girl nodded back. I picked up the teddy bear and pressed it against the ring that dangled between my breasts. A sudden image of Austin materialized. I tried to block it from my mind but his presence grew stronger. I felt my will weaken as my hand slid toward my vagina. "I don't know how to do this," I whispered. "Your body knows how," said the girl in the mirror. Her eyes were gray, the color of Austin's eyes. "It's the same as when you were John, only better." "No," I cried even as my finger slipped into the place between my legs seeking that that magic spot girls have. There was a knock on the bathroom door. I jerked my hand back. My elbow struck the little bear. It toppled it into the basin with a soft plop. Austin's presence vanished. I was alone, naked and ashamed. "Alex, are you in there?" Shelly asked from the other side of the door. "Uh... yeah," I said, fumbling to get into my clothes. "What are you doing?" "What do you think, I'm in the bathroom." "Your Mom's on the phone, she wants to talk to you." "Give me a couple of seconds," I said, zipping up my jeans. I gave the toilet a flush for effect then stepped into the bedroom closing the bathroom door behind me. Shelly pressed her phone into my hand. "She called me when you didn't answer yours." "Hello." "Hey, Baby." Mom's voice was upbeat. "Hi, Mom. How's Daddy?" "Well he's grumpy so I'd say he's feeling better. He has three fractures, a bruised kidney and a minor concussion. The hospital's releasing him Monday though he'll be in a cast for a while." "Can I talk to him?" "Sorry, the attendant took him for more tests and he's not back. But I was thinking of picking you up Saturday and letting you visit over the weekend. Would you like that?" "Yeah!" "Good, I'll reserve us a room at the motel. Wait... one of the doctors just came in. I have to go. Let me to talk to Shelly's grandmother." "Okay. I'm passing the phone to Shelly. Love you, Mom." "Love you too." I handed the phone to Shelly. "Mom needs to talk to your grandmother." Shelly nodded and scuttled out of the room. With Shelly gone, I returned my teddy bear to my underwear drawer, then followed after her. I found her in the den standing next to Ms. Gartman who was still on the phone. "Don't be silly," said Shelly's grandmother turning around acknowledging me with a nod. " You don't owe me anything. We're happy to have her here. She's welcome to stay as long as you need. No, really, She's been a great friend to Shelly. Think of it as my way of saying thank you. Yes, that sounds fine. I'll talk to you later. Bye." She handed the phone to Shelly. "Your mother said she'll be here about nine on Saturday to pick you up." "You're leaving," Shelly said her face a mix of disappointment and unbelief. "I'm going to visit my dad at the hospital," I explained. "Mom got us a room at the motel for the weekend." "Dude, I had all these plans." "Sorry but my dad's more important." Shelly gave me a hug. "I know. "It's just ... I've got you here and everything..." "Didn't you say you had homework," said Ms. Gartman. "Math," Shelly complained. "Well you need to get started. Dinner won't be long. How about you, Alex?" "I finished mine at school," I said. "I could use some help in the kitchen." "Sure." Helping Mom around the kitchen had become routine. At a little over five feet and less than a hundred pounds doing guy stuff like heavy lifting was beyond me. That was Tyler's job now. I'd felt cheated at first but lately I began to see Mom's job was just as important as Dad's, only different. I followed Ms. Gartman into a sunflower yellow kitchen furnished with white enameled appliances that were polished and shiny. I liked the atmosphere of this room. It seemed like a happy place and it made me happy to be here. The aroma of poultry and seasonings wafted from a tall pot bubbling on the stove. The bushy tops of Broccoli bobbed up and down in another. "I'm making a chicken casserole tonight," said Ms. Gartman. "I hope that's okay. It's Shelly's favorite." "It smells good," I said. She laughed. "I don't usually get complaints about my casseroles." "If you'll grate the cheese I'll chop up the chicken and broccoli." Ms. Gartman indicated a large wedge of yellow-orange cheddar. It rested beside a stainless steel cheese grater and bowl on an island with a butcher-block top. "I wanted to thank you for being such a good friend to Shelly," she said as I raked the cheddar across the blades of the shredder. She fished a chicken portion out of boiling water with tongs. "She was introverted for so long. You know her parents were killed in a car accident." "Yeah," I said, "she told me. I'm so sorry." "I took her in, no one else wanted her. I was living in New York at the time. If you plan on being a successful writer then New York is the only sensible place to live. Shelly's home is in Pittsburgh but after what happened she needed some new place to live, somewhere that wouldn't reminded her of her parents everyday. So we moved here, to Clarksville. " She paused, the tongs extending from her hand like a crude prosthesis. "You're from California aren't you." This wasn't a question but a segue. "Yeah," I said, on guard. Questions about my past were dangerous. "Sacramento." "It was serendipity that you and Shelly found each other." "I'm not sure what you mean?" "Oh. You have to forgive me. I forget sometimes not everyone's a writer, I meant you and Shelly meeting and becoming friends was a happy accident but one with a purpose. Like finding a twenty-dollar bill on the way to the store. You pick it up and put it in your purse and then do your shopping. But when you go to pay for your groceries you realize you forgot your billfold. Then you remember the twenty dollars. As you pay the clerk and you think how fortunate it was you found the money. That's serendipity." She saw I still looked confused. "Shelly needed a friend, a special one, she needed you. Even though you're from California destiny brought you to Clarksville. You're Shelly's Serendipity." "I guess." "I believe everything happens for a reason," she said. "You meeting Shelly confirmed that. How would you explain it otherwise? You have to admit the odds of the two of you meeting must be astronomical, yet it happened. And now you're good friends. Shelly would say BFFs, The comment struck me like a slap in the face. For a moment the evil Alex took over. She begged to tell Ms. Gartman if it hadn't been for the virus there would have been no friendship. The reason Shelly knew a girl named Alex was the result of a dirty trick not some divine plan. There was no higher power or benevolent overseer. The world was a fucked up place filled with fucked up people working toward a fucked up end where we'd blow ourselves the fuck up. "Did I say something to offend you?" Her face took on a questioning expression. "Is there something I don't know?" "No, I was just thinking about what you said." lied the compassionate Alex, the one that was a sucker for sob stories and underdogs like Shelly--the one that wanted to avoid arguments with old ladies over metaphysical nonsense. "Now that I think about it, it probably was serendipity." "That is sweet of you to say, though I'm sure you don't believe a bit of it. But I think age will make you see things differently." I doubted it would. After dinner Shelly and I drifted into the den. Ms. Gartman vanished into her study to do whatever it was writers do behind closed doors. "I thought we'd watch a DVD," Shelly volunteered, her fingers searching through a collection of jewel cases in the plastic tray on her lap. She plucked one from the multitude and put the tray aside. "This is one of my favorites," she said removing the disk from its case. She carried the CD to the DVD player placed it in the open drawer. "Care to share what we're watching?" I asked, annoyed. "Beastly." She beamed a smile at me. I groaned. I recalled the movie from years ago. It starred Vanessa Hudgens and some guy. I remembered Vanessa because she'd been in "High School Musical" and I thought she was pretty. The girls at school had flocked to the movie. They came back raving how good it was and how cute what's-his-face was. But the cheesy previews I'd seen hadn't borne that out. "Isn't there something else we can watch?" I asked. "You didn't like Beastly?" "I've never seen it." "Then you don't know if you'll like it or not, do you." She pressed play on the remote. I slumped to my side of the couch as the opening credits scrolled triumphantly across the screen. Though this was a chick flick and I was a chick, other girls had an advantage. They'd been girls their entire lives. They were conditioned to like this kind of thing I grew up as a boy so a lot of stuff like girly films was over my head. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to get out of them. As it turned out, the movie surprised me. Five minutes into the film and I was caught up in the plot. Kyle Kingston is a rich asshole and I hated him. That is until I understood the underlying reasons for his behavior. His father, a television celebrity (if a news anchor can be a celebrity) pretty much ignores Kyle. He's left to raise himself. I thought about the time my dad avoided me and how much it hurt. When Kyle is turned into Hunter his father abandons him altogether. Even though Kyle and I had a similar experience (we'd both had out bodies altered for revenge) I identified with Lindy, the girl that's forced to live in Kyle's (now Hunter's) home. His unceasing attempts to win her love mimicked Austin trying to win me. I followed every strategy Hunter uses with rapt attention. I even hushed Shelly when she asked me if I wanted a drink or snacks from the kitchen. When they read the poem, "Having a coke with you," together, I almost cried it moved me so much. The movie goes on. Hunter gives Lindy the note he wrote; confessing his love, then regrets it. Lindy calls and Hunter seeing it's her doesn't answer and yada, yada, yada (these are all good yadas. It would take too long to reel off everything that happened). What's important is when the film did end I felt exhausted, but the kind of weariness that leaves a warm fuzzy feeling inside you, like a comfortable chair and hot cocoa after a long tramp through the snow. Later, as I slipped under the covers, I thought about how beautifully Beastly ended with Lindy and Kyle traveling the world, living happily together ever after. That was love the way it was supposed to be. Two people that find each other in the most unlikely way. There was a word for it--serendipity. I wondered if this could ever happen to me. The last thing in the world I could be labeled was a romantic. Yet here I was savoring the aftertaste of a girly Disney romance. I settled my head against the pillow thinking how much I'd changed and wondering how Austin had to do with it all. That night I dreamed I was on the back of Austin's bike, my arms wrapped around the hard muscles of his stomach. A massive boner bulged from his crouch The bike roared as he tore down a twisted narrow road bordered on both sides by a thick tangle of tropical vegetation, the air heady with the smells of jungle rot and the fresh scent of rain. Eyes, yellow and feral, peered though the dark foliage marking out passage. I knew they were tiger's eyes and they belonged to beasts that wanted more than anything to pounce on me and tear me to pieces with vicious claws and teeth. But I also knew as long as I held on to Austin the tigers were powerless to harm me. As if he could read my thoughts he turned his attention from the road to gaze at me with his strangely beautiful gray eyes. Then he was gunning the engine coaxing even more speed out of the bike as we raced toward our destination, a distant castle of white stone topped with colorful banners fluttering against a bright blue sky. I woke the next morning feeling uneasy about the dream and wishing Austin and I had never met. -I never loved you anyway- Another school day and that meant a chance meeting with biker boy. Actually the meet-up was guaranteed thanks to his mother's ring that hung around my neck like a noose. I'd thought about leaving it in the drawer beside the little bear, but I wouldn't have it to hand back to him when I told him to leave me the fuck alone. At the same time I felt uncomfortable wearing it. I slipped it off and stuck it in my jeans pocket. No one knew about the deal we'd worked out. All I told Shelly was Austin could hang out with us at the dance. I framed it as an act of kindness on my part. He was a new kid I was helping out until I could pawn him off on someone else. I expected to see Austin waiting for me at my locker or to have at least left a note. My plan was to hand him back his ring. I thought it over and things weren't working out. We weren't compatible. Then I would wish him well and would he please ride off into the sunset to never darken my door again. When he wasn't there and nothing dangled from the lock, the flicker of disappointment I felt blazed into full-blown indignation. If I was so damn important to him, why in the hell wasn't he waiting for me? This morning, I wanted to be rid of him and I should have been happy when he wasn't waiting. But I wasn't. I felt a sort of panic inside. Austin not being here could only mean one thing. He lost interest in me. The truth was, as much as I wanted him out of my life, I liked the attention he paid me. It wasn't that I hadn't gotten attention from boys before. I got it all the time. But it was the kind that made me feel dirty and ashamed. Austin did it in a way that made me feel amazing and precious and glad to be a girl. The only other person who'd done that was my dad. He'd heaped a truckload on me the day before and I missed it now. At the same time he scared me. When I was around him I acted in ways I normally wouldn't and do things I wasn't comfortable with like in front of the mirror. "Are you going to get your books or not?" Shelly said. She sounded irritated. "You're making us late for class." I realized I'd been staring at my locker, lost in thought. "What were you thinking about, anyway?" "He's not here." "Austin? Thank God." "I thought he'd be waiting," I continued, ignoring Shelly's pissy comment. "You are falling for him aren't you," said Shelly. "I knew this would happen!" "No I'm not! I don't even like him. I was going to break up with him this morning. I had it planned out. I thought he'd be here. Now it's all fucked up." Shelly studied me for a long moment. "How can you break up with someone you're not going with? What were you and Austin doing yesterday, anyway?" "Nothing. Damn Shelly, I think you're jealous." "It's not jealousy. It's the fact you're getting involved with a boy when you have no experience with them. They're not like us, Alex. Boys can be manipulative; they don't care about your feeling. They'll say anything to get you into bed with them." I wanted to tell her I knew more about boys than she suspected. Then I remembered Austin's hard on in the dream and how icky I felt this morning because of it. The memory repulsed me. I didn't want to think about him anymore. "Can we talk about something else?" I asked. Anything but Austin. "Like what?" "Like... uh... what should I wear to the dance?" "I thought you were going to wear the blue dress from Just Girls." "And guarantee a fight with Brooke!" I jerked open my locker and began chucking books into my backpack. " No thanks." She smiled. "Well I'm just glad you're going. It wouldn't be the same without my BFF." I wondered if she'd still feel like that after Brooke started with the fireworks. We were halfway to our first block class when Austin's voice rang out from behind. "Alex wait." I stopped and turned. Austin was huffing toward us. "Great," Shelly muttered. She was frowning, tapping an impatient staccato with her foot. "My bike wouldn't crank," he moaned as he drew up beside us. "Dad had to drop me off. I was afraid I was going to be late." "Here's your chance," Shelly whispered. I stared at Austin; he was smiling. "Do it," Shelly said. Her elbow jabbed into my side. "Oowww." Austin looked at Shelly and then at me. His eyes went wary, like a fox that suspects a trap. "What's going on?" "Ah-lex dooooo iiitttt," Shelly muttered "Okay...okay! Just chill all right. Damn!" "This is taking too long." Shelly said. She shoved in front of me. "Alex doesn't like you. She wants you to leave her alone." "I don't believe you," said Austin. "Alex is this true?" I hesitated. Did I really want to do this? I could feel Shelly's glare while Austin probed my face with his beautiful gray eyes. "Austin ...I...I'm not sure I'm ready for us to--" The bell rang shattering the tension. People moved past some of them jostling me as they rushed by. A line of upper classmen wedged their way between Austin and me. I was knocked off balance and would have fallen if Shelly hadn't steadied me. "Come on," she said grabbing my arm, "before we get crushed." Then we were caught up in the press of bodies forcing us to move or be trampled. I tried to look back, a part of me wanting to tell Austin I took back what just happened, but the bigger students blocked my view. By the time the hall cleared he was gone. He hadn't even bothered to follow. I brooded though Ms. Boyd's literature class. Why the hell had I let Shelly do what she did? My dad would say it was my own fault. No one could make me do something I didn't want to do. So, if I really did care about him, why hadn't I stood up for myself? In my heart I knew the answer, I wanted to breakup but was too cowardly to do myself. I let Shelly do it for me because I couldn't trust myself around him. The thing that attracted me too him, that he could make me feel special and like a girl, was the thing that frightened me. I wasn't ready to totally commit to a relationship. Everything was too new. I would probably take this step one day but not today. At the same time, Austin had awakened something inside me, something that held the promise of being wonderful. It had revealed an entirely new dimension of myself like a flower bud beginning to bloom. I wanted badly to become that flower. But that meant making commitments I wasn't sure I could honor. When we moved to second period gym I still struggled with it all. "Will you cheer up," Shelly said. "You're acting like you lost your best friend. You didn't by the way, she's sitting next to you." I frowned and gazed down at my high tops to keep from looking at her. The rubber around the toe of the left one was scuffed and starting to discolor to a dirty tan. "All you did was dump a jerk," she continued as if we were having a conversation instead of her delivering a monologue. "He's a BOY, Alex. B-O-Y. You said yourself boys are assholes. Those were your words. " " I know he's a boy and he WASN'T a jerk." She leaned down to face me, her lips pressed together in a thin line. A lock of hair drooped across her forehead softening the hardness in her face. "Look Alex, your dad's in the hospital and when he gets out he's going to face a long recovery. Your mom is going to need help because I doubt Tyler is going to stick around. You know how your brother is; he's going to look for every excuse to be somewhere else. That leaves you. You're going to have your hands full. You don't need Austin distracting you." She had a point. Austin was certainly a distraction and my fretting made things worse. How could I focus on my dad with thoughts of Austin constantly tugging on my mind? "Well, am I right?" Shelly asked. "I suppose." "It's settled, then. Although a 'thank you Shelly' would be nice." "Uh...Thanks, I guess." Shelly made a sound like air being forced out of a rubber bladder. "That wasn't very heartfelt," she said. "But I suppose it'll do." Though I told myself breaking things off with Austin (or at least putting him on hold) was the wise and correct thing to do. There was the problem with the ring. It was still tucked away in my jeans pocket. I needed to return it. Until then our relationship was suspended in a sort of limbo (to my mind, anyway). The upside was it would give me an opportunity to explain things. I'd be honest with him (as honest as I could be anyway). I would tell him I was new to relationships with boys (he didn't need to know why) and needed some space for a while. If he gazed at me longingly I'd know he still cared and we could make it work some time in the future. If he glared or turned away ... I shuddered, unsure of how I'd feel. When I didn't bump into him between classes I began to wonder. Freshmen classes (with the exception of gym) were segregated to a couple of halls-- the rational being that we weren't ready for high school. We needed to go though a process of assimilation after our rough edges were ground down and we were polished and shined. Operating in such a confined space, I should have passed him at least a couple of times between classes. I mulled over why. Was he purposefully avoiding me, keeping out of sight until after I passed to move to his next class? It had to be something along those lines and the notion pissed me off. The lunch bell sounded and I joined Shelly, Brett and Abby at our usual table. Today's topic was, what else, the dance tomorrow night. But we might as well have been talking about the million dollars we won in the lottery and how to spend it. I couldn't concentrate on anything except the cafeteria doors, watching the students file in; hoping one of them would be Austin. None of them were. Lunch ended and he still hadn't surfaced. I fell behind the procession making its exit, scanning the passing faces, looking for that certain one, when Brooke Simmons's disgusting mug filled my field of vision. "Look who it is girls," she said to the two females beside her, both of them bleached blondes with dark roots. "The little hobo girl." "By the way Brooke," I said trying to sound causal, " I know that you tried to set me up for the dance tomorrow night." I said. "Austin told me all about it." "Oh golly gee, what will I do now? She's on to us, girls." The two peroxidites cackled like crazed witches. "Why don't you give up?" I said. "There's nothing you can do that is going to bother me. I really don't give a fuck." "Is that so? What if I told you I've been talking to Sadie, you know my sister. She and Monica are good friends." "So." "They had a little conversation the other day and guess who it was about. It was about you. Monica had this weird story that you used to be a boy. Isn't that crazy? I mean she went on and on about it. Now normally I'd think she was just messing with me except you don't act like a girl, Hobo. It makes me wonder if someone pulled your pants down if there would be a little nub where a weenie used to be. " "Why, did you want to suck it." "Is that an admission, Hobo?" Her two companions cackled again. "I think you're fucking nuts." "Maybe. Or maybe not. We'll see. Well, I've enjoyed sticking it to ... er...talking to you but got to run." She started to walk away, then stopped. "Oh, I heard you broke up with Austin this morning. He took it so hard he left school after first period. I was looking forward to seeing you together at the dance. But since you're not a couple anymore give me Austin's teddy bear and I'll call a truce between us." "I'd rather flush it down the toilet than give it to you." "Fine. It's your funeral Hobo." I watched her go, the cackling of her slutty friends echoing down the hall. So, how much did Brooke really know? Sadie may have told her some things she'd gotten from Monica but even Monica wasn't sure about what was true and what wasn't. She'd made that evident in the parking lot. She'd tossed out bait hoping I'd bite and when I didn't she'd come undone. But my stupid brother Tyler was a different matter. He was a loose cannon where secrets were concerned. If Brooke had pressed him for the story and he'd opened up? The possibility made me sick to my stomach. The journey from John to being comfortable with myself now had been hard. Part of the success hinged on blocking out who I'd been. If my past became common knowledge I wasn't sure I could handle the fallout. I cornered Tyler after school and hauled him away from Nathan "What!" He grumbled when I steered him out of Nathan's hearing. "Why did Brooke tell me she knows I used to be a boy? You told her everything didn't you." Tyler look baffled. "I didn't tell her anything, Dumbo. I forget you were ever John half the time, you've become such a girl." His mouth turned down as he said it , as if he'd bitten into something bitter. "Then how does she know?" "Are you sure she wasn't just yanking you chain?" "How did she know anything at all?" "There's a stupid rumors going around. Her sister told some people stuff she heard from Monica " said Tyler. "But the whole idea sounds crazy impossible. And even if she did know, which she couldn't, who would believe her? Hell, I don't believe it half the time. It's like you've always been my sister." He shuffled around. "Look, go easy on her, okay. I know she comes off as a bitch but she's not really like that. She's afraid of you." "Afraid of me?!" "Remember when I told you that you could be popular? I still believe that. You can be pretty when you want to be. I'm talking cheerleader, homecoming queen pretty. Brooke sees that too. She's afraid you're going to take her place as the most popular girl." "Yeah, like that's going to happen." "I don't know, Alex. I don't think you realize how different you are now. Anyway, just let her rant. She's blowing smoke but there's no fire." "I'll try. I guess I need to find Shelly." I turned to go then, paused. "You really like her don't you." I said and watched him stiffen. "Huh?" "Brooke. You told me you were using her but you actually care about her." "That's stupid. Get the fuck out of here," he said I grabbed up my backpack to go. "Tyler, be careful. I don't want to see you hurt." "Will you just go." "Oh, tell Mom I'm not going with you to see Dad." Tyler called after me. " I can see him when he comes home. Brooke and I have plans at the mall and then a party. Nathan's is going along too. Brooke is setting him up with one of her friends." As I trudged back to where Shelly stood waiting I thought about Tyler's pronouncement. I didn't see myself as a cheerleader or prom queen but the possibility I could be made me smile. Maybe everything did happen for a purpose, even what happened to me. -Let's talk in small language- Shelly twisted around in the front seat of the SUV to face me, her eyes bright with eagerness. "The dance is like a day away Alex. Aren't you excited?" "Actually it's like twenty-eight hours so that makes it more than a day." She pressed her lips together making a farty sounding raspberry. "You know what I mean. It's tomorrow night. I can't believe your so calm. This is like the biggest event in our lives." Though I was acting cool, I wasn't. My insides were quaking like a magnitude 10.0 on the Richter scale. "Grandma said we could skip school tomorrow to get ready for the dance," She bubbled. "She talked to your mom and got permission for you to skip too." "Mom said I could skip school?!" "Yes. So Grandma can take us to Myrtles to get our hair and nails done." "You want to look nice for the dance don't you?" said Ms. Gartman. "Mom didn't leave me with any money." I said. "I don't how I'd pay for it." "Don't be silly," said the older woman. "It's my treat." "It'll be fun, Alex," said Shelly. She did a little jig with her arms. "We didn't get to do hair at the slumber party so we'll do it tomorrow." "Sounds great." Almost as great as having a triple root canal. Life as a girl. Seems charmed doesn't it--the beautiful creatures that we are. We smile prettily on the covers of magazines and hawk bogus products with our sensuous voices like sirens on TV, each of us a living work of Art, so beautiful guys don't believe we piss or shit. What male can resist us? We only need to hint at something we want and men fight to see who delivers it and places it at our feet. How cool is that? Does it make you jealous? Don't be. There's a lot of work that goes into appearing glamorous. Everything that grows hair has to be shaved. And there's makeup. The formula is something like three ounces of the stuff for every year past the big three-oohh. By the time you reach fifty your makeup weighs more than your face. And don't forget shoes. A dress up event requires heels, a synonym for shaky balance and aching feet. Throw in panty hose (not something you want to wrestle down if you need to go to the bathroom), strapless bras, because nothing makes you feel more beautiful than bare shoulders when the central air is set on freezing and a dozen other things I won't mention. Still seem like a charmed life? I didn't think so. But such is the lot of those unfortunate ones born XX. After supper I went to my loaner room to search my closet for something girly to wear. I wanted to show my classmates I could be as feminine as any other girl in Clarksville. I thought if I did, any rumors Brooke was spreading about me being a boy would appear ridiculous. I had a dozen dresses now. Some I'd picked out when I'd gone with Mom to the mall and some she'd brought home from work. She was always doing that, even though I never wore them. I pulled out the three fanciest and laid them on the bed. A violet, semi-formal, with a halter neck, a bronze colored party dress with huge flowers printed in black outline and a purple and black semi formal. The the semi formal was perfect. The top was a black bodice with short sleeves made of soft fabric. The skirt and waist were purple with a black pattern that was frocked, not printed. But the detail that sold me was the black frill lining that peeped out beneath the over skirt. It screamed girly-girl. I returned the other two dresses to the closet and then took the purple one to show Shelly. I found her in her room spreading her own dress on the bed. It was neon lime with a tank strap top and layered skirt. Other than the color I thought it was stylish. "That's perfect, Alex," she said. "You're going to look awesome. Every boy at the dance will notice you." I hoped not. She barely tolerated Austin she'd implode if many more boys show an interest. I carried my dress back to my room and hung it in the closet. Then I checked the time. It was ten minutes to eight and Mom hadn't called. She was supposed to check in with me every night. Suddenly I was afraid something awful had happened. I pulled up the address book on my phone and touched the screen by her name. After several rings she answered. "Hi, Honey," she said picking up. "Is everything all right, Mom? Is Dad okay?" "Why wouldn't he be?" "You didn't call. It's almost eight." "Oh," she laughed, "I've been on the phone with your brother. He's being stubborn about the weekend. He doesn't want to go." "Well, I want to." "I know Sweetie I'll be... Wait... someone wants to talk to you." "Hi, Precious," said Dad, his voice so weak I wanted to cry. "Daddy!" "You holding up kiddo," he said with a hint of humor. "I'm trying, I've been so worried about you." "Well stop worrying, I'm doing fine but you and I will have to car shop soon. The old gray mare ain't what she used to be." We laughed. "Hey, I little bird told me you're going to a dance tomorrow." "Who told you?" "Your mom. Was I not supposed to know?" "No... It's just ...it's not what you think." "Well, no matter what it is, I want you to have fun. Promise me you will, all right." "I'll try." "Good. You're mom wants to talk to you. Here she is." I got off the phone feeling both happy and sad. It was great to hear my father's voice but I missed him more because of it. He was the special parent. My relationship with him had changed from "Dad" to "Daddy." He was my hero. After my shower I opened the drawer that held my panties for a fresh pair when my hand touched the soft fur of the little biker bear. I'd forgotten it was there. It seemed to wear the same bewildered expression on its furry face Austin wore this morning. "What did I do?" It asked in Austin's voice "You didn't do anything," I said. "I was scared because I didn't know where this was going. I felt like I was on a runaway train and had to get off." The bear looked at me disapprovingly through its blind glass eyes. Then whatever magic it possessed receded and was a stuffed toy again. I plodded to the bed, and sat down feeling confused. The towel I wore out of the shower lay in a heap on the floor. I'd dropped it and not noticed. Forgetting the towel I lay naked on the mattress and pushed aside the thoughts about Austin cluttering my mind while I basked in the warm air from the ceiling vent. It was a feeling only a girl could appreciate. Girls were conscious of our bodies in a different way than boys. John would never have been stimulated by something so simple, but that was his loss. I remembered a sociology class at my high school in Sacramento. The teacher asked why women could wear men's clothing but men couldn't wear women's. When no one could answer he said it was because men were superior. In other words if a woman put on pants it was okay because she was trying to imitate the dominate gender but if a man put on a dress he was shaming himself. Lying here, experiencing all these bodily sensations, I thought my sociology teacher had gotten it all wrong. -Chicken Dance- I woke late. The dance loomed over me like a black cloud. Any excitement about it fled during the night. Now the idea of attending bugged me like a boil that wouldn't head. The more you picked at it the worse it got. It wasn't facing Brooke or Austin that bothered me. I could deal with them even if they tag teamed. It was something else out there, something elusive that crept up from behind, that dove into shadows each time I looked back. I should have been able to put my finger on it but couldn't. All this worry was building stress I didn't need. I could spend the day fretting about things I couldn't change or I could enjoy a day of no school. I opted for the latter. I detoured into the bathroom, dropped my panties and sat. As I finished my pee my nose picked up the aroma of frying bacon. I wiped and pulled up my panties, then scurried into the kitchen to find Shelly frying the bacon. Ms Gartman tended a pot of a bubbling something that hardly smelled at all. I peeped over her shoulder at something white and grainy. "Good morning sleepy head," said Ms. Gartman noticing my hovering behind her. "Breakfast is almost ready. "What's that?" I asked indicating what was in the pot/ "Grits," said Ms. Gartman. "I thought we'd have some with eggs. It's very popular in the south." "Grandma used to eat them when she lived in New York," Shelly said, "they're pretty good." "There was a diner that served them for breakfast," said Ms. Gartman. " And I developed a taste for them. The problem is unless you live in Mississippi or Alabama they're hard to find." "So how did you find them in Clarksville?" Ms. Gartman's face split into a grin. "Ebay." After breakfast (the grits were interesting but I preferred hash browns), Ms. Gartman piled us into the Highlander and hauled us to Myrtles salon. I say hauled because that's how it felt. The premonition something ugly waited at the dance continued to tug on my mind along the way. I told myself it was only butterflies but I didn't really believe it was. When we walked into the shop the acrid smell of burnt hair and peroxide stung my nose. Three girls occupying plastic chairs watched Myrtle work on a fourth. The hairdresser nodded our way then turned back to her client. "Looks like a wait," Shelly said. She picked out a magazine from a pile on a small table then took a seat in one of the several chairs still empty. Following Shelly's example, I dug through the magazines until I uncovered a copy of Teen Vogue. I carried it over to where Shelly sat and took a seat beside her. Ms. Gartman opted to stand while she studied the hair products in the display case. I was reading an article titled "Why Boy's Lie" when a shadow fell across the page. I glanced up at one of the girls ahead of us standing over me. There was something familiar about the ragged brown hair and the acne scars on her cheeks. "You 're that Tetras girl," she said. "You supposed to have a brother.... what's his name... James...Jimmy... something like that." "John." "Yeah, John. Kind of a nerd. What happened to him? He sort of vanished" "He transferred to a school out of state." I said falling back on the story Frank and Dr. Swanson fabricated a lifetime ago. This bitch was beginning to irritate me. She was also attracting attention. Shelly's magazine lay in her lap, her head turned toward me. Ms. Gartman was also looking on. "Kind of funny you show up right when he disappears. It was like you took his place." I felt a jolt in my brain like a car hitting a speed bump. Acne was one of the girls at Brookes lunch table the other day. "Some people say you are him," she said. "Funny. You don't look like him. But I guess doctors can do all kind of shit nowadays with lasers and stuff." "What the fuck do you want!" I put my magazine aside and gathered my feet under me. Ready to face off. "Nothing," she said taking a lazy step back. "Just saying hello." She smiled and walked back to her friends. Shelly leaned over her lips almost brushing my ear. "What was that about?" I didn't answer. I kept my eyes locked on Acne until the anger burned out in my cheeks. Myrtle finished with the girl in the chair. The girl paid her bill then walked to where Acne was texting a message (probably to Brooke Simmons). They exchanged a couple of words that provoked a laugh, and then Acne followed the girl out of the shop. "I take it she wasn't a friend judging by your choice of words." Ms Gartman said, causing me to start. I hadn't noticed her come up beside me. "Want to talk about it?" "Not really." "Maybe you should. It certainly upset you." "Some kids are spreading rumors that's all." "About you and your brother" "You heard?" "I know his name is John. And he's... older?...younger? She smiled waiting for me to answer. "He's seventeen." I glanced to where Myrtle was sweeping the hair left by the last client into a dustpan. I wished she'd hurry and call us. "He lives in another state." "But you also have a second brother." I nodded. "Yeah, Tyler. How'd you know?" "Let's say I'm a bit of an amateur detective. And..." she laughed. "I've been talking to your mother. She said you're twins." Tyler and I looked enough alike to pass for fraternal twins, which is what we claimed. It was the only way to account for my age as John and my age now. Otherwise the math didn't work. "Frankie just arrived," said Myrtle, "I can take both of your girls, Sandra. Frankie will do one. I'll do the other." "Shouldn't you take those two young ladies?" Ms. Gartman asked, indicating the two girls who'd been waiting when we came in. Her tone suggested she was formulating more questions for me and wanted time to ask them. "They're getting perms," said Myrtle. "That will take most of the afternoon so your girls go first." "Come on," said Myrtle. "Who gets who?" I practically ran to Frankie's chair. AS Frankie covered me with the cape I breathed a sigh of relief I was free of Ms. Gartman's questions- Shelly's grandmother didn't press me about my family on the way home. We chatted about our new hair and nails. Frankie had done a killer job on me. She highlighted my hair just enough to bring out its natural color then painted my nails pearl white with violet tips to match my dress. This was the girliest I'd ever looked. I was still uneasy about tonight. I'd never been to a formal dance. This would be a new experience and a first step toward my new girliness. Until now my life as Alex wasn't that different from my life as John. I'm not saying people didn't see me as a girl, of course they did. But they saw me with a lowercase "g", the way I saw myself. I was female but with a tomboy's disposition. Tonight things would change. I would be wearing a frilly dress, patent leather shoes and my hair freshly styled. The dance would debut the new Alex Tetras, girly-girl. I wanted the rumors to stop and this was the only way I to make it happen. Back at Ms. Gartman's, I found myself unable to sit still. I played with my hair, checked and rechecked the job Frankie had done on my nails. After blundering around in my own room, I drifted into Shelly's. I sat on the bed watching her flitter around like a humming bird from one flower to another extracting nectar. "Shouldn't you be getting dressed," she asked after a while. She eyed me from the mirrors reflection as she dabbed her cheeks with makeup she didn't need. I glanced at the digital clock on the bedside table. It read thirty- three minutes after five. I hadn't realized it was so late. The gym would open at six-thirty. That gave us a little less than an hour. "Yeah, I should," I said. Shelly surprised me with a hug as I slid off the bed. "I know you're nervous," she said. "But I promise, Alex you're going to have a great time." I hoped she was right. My dress waited, spread out on the bed, its flower brocade an hourglass shaped tapestry. I'd never worn something this girly before. "Get use to it," I told myself. "If you plan on burying John, you're going to be doing this a lot." I brought pumps to wear tonight. They were fairly stylish and had a one and a quarter inch broad heel. Though the heel wasn't very tall it had a nice shape and would still give me a little height and the more importantly (according to Shelly, anyway) correct posture for a young lady. Shelly came in as I was buckling the thin straps. "Let me look at you," she said. I stood and smoothed down my dress. "Oh, Alex! You're beautiful! What about me?" She did a little pirouette so the skirt of her dress flared out, opening like a neon flower. "You look awesome, dude." That wasn't the total truth but she did look pretty despite the hideous dress. There was a good chance I wouldn't be the only one noticed by the boys. The idea made me happy. As irritating as Shelly could be she was my friend and I wanted tonight to be special for her. "We need to do one last thing," Shelly said. She took my hand and led me back to her room. "Stand here," she commanded, positioning me to face the mirror. "Now what did I do with it?" she said rummaging though the vanity. "Oh yeah, I left it in the bathroom," she pretending to strike her forehead with the palm of her hand. "Don't move Alex. I'll be right back." I watched Shelly disappear out the door. When I turned back to the mirror the girl with honey blonde hair looked back at me with her large blue eyes. She wore a purple colored dress with rose brocade. I thought she looked pretty. John might have fallen in love with her. She smiled at the thought as if she approved. Shelly popped back in with a tube of lipstick in her hand. She stepped between the girl and me. She uncapped the metal tube and then twisted the base. A small mound of pink emerged. The color and shape reminded me of a tiny penis. For some reason, this struck me as funny. I giggled. Shelly eyed me suspiciously. "Would you like to share what's so funny? "The lip stick, it looks like a little dick." She glanced at the lipstick tube then at me. "Sometimes you're scary weird, Alex" "Sorry. I guess I'm nervous about tonight." "I told you there's nothing to be nervous about. We're going to have the time of our lives. Now hold still and let me do this." She applied the lipstick and then stepped to the side so I could see the finished job. My lips wore a soft coat of pink. "Thanks," I said as I slid off the bed. "We're not done," said Shelly. She put out a hand halting my move toward the door. "We still have to do your lashes." "What!" "Sit." She commanded producing a bottle of mascara. I sat back on bed "I could do this myself." I said eyeing her as she came at me with the tiny, black wand. "Really, Alex? I don't think so." "Well I could." "Quit being a baby" she said. She made several quick, stokes then crossed to the dresser. She retuned with an eye shadow kit. I blocked my face with my arm when she came at me with the brush. "Enough dude," She pushed my arm out of the way. "If I don't add shadow, the mascara won't look right." I felt the brush sweep across my lids. "There, all done. Check it out." I walked to the mirror where the girl with honey blonde hair looked out at me through dark lush lashes above large blue eyes. Her pink lips seemed even poutier than before. The effect was provocative in a way I found uncomfortable. It sent the wrong message. "What do you think?" Shelly's eyes beamed with pride. "What did you do to me! Take it off." Shelly laughed. "I thought you'd say that." "It's not funny, Shelly. I want it gone." "Sorry, but it looks perfect. I'm not touching it." Just then Ms. Gartman walked in, her purse over her shoulder, car keys in her hand. "Are you girls ready? It's after six." "How do we look Grandma," Shelly asked. The older woman pressed her lips together scanned us then smiled. "You're both beautiful," "Alex doesn't like her makeup." "Really? It looks fine." I sighed. This was a battle I wasn't going to win. Shelly bubbled and popped like a pot of Ms. Gartman's grits, non-stop all the way to the school. I sat in the back seat brooding, but I don't think Shelly noticed. She was high on the possibly of becoming a teenage socialite for the night. The fact that she didn't have a chance in hell never occurred to her. We were the nerd girls--a least Shelly, Brett and Abby. Thanks to the rumors going around I had my own category, "freak." Someone once said if you're confident who you are, other people will be too. So if I were confident in being female that's the way people would see me. I scooted forward and lifted myself high enough to see into the rear view mirror. Now with the initial shock passed, the makeup didn't look as bad. I was sure all the other girls would be wearing makeup, which meant, unless I wanted to stand out like the odd duck I had to immerse myself in girly stuff too. I didn't like wearing the dress and makeup but I could endure it for a night. The school was painted in a surreal darkness when we pulled into the parking lot. The couples ahead of us, bleached out under the blue glow of the halogen lights, looked zombie like in their suits and dresses. Shelly and I fell behind a gang of boys in sports coats and khaki pants. One of them, a chubby kid with a buzz cut, turned at the clomp clomp of our heels on the concrete. He swept me with his eyes and grinned. "Hey good lookin' what's cookin'?" "This," I replied flipping him off. "Fucking bitch," he growled. He tensed ready to take a step toward me when his buddies called him back. "You coming Rich?" one of them asked. "Yeah, wait up." Rich yelled and then hurried to catch up. He said something to his friends in a low voice. They paused to look at us and laughed before moving toward the pool of yellow spilling through the open doors of the gym. I was sure the laugh had been at my expense. Shelly stopped me as I started after them by grabbing my arm. "Really, Alex. Can't we get though one night without you getting into a fight. " "He pissed me off!" She sighed, "The problem is you don't understand boys or how they think. He didn't mean anything. He was paying you a compliment. It's just boys have to do it all macho. Promise me when we get inside you'll control yourself." "I'll try." I realized I hadn't been out of the car for five minutes before I'd blown my new girly image. My plan to become a girly girl seemed hopeless. Brett and Abby were waiting outside We exchanged hugs (I 'd learned girls did this a lot) then checked out each other's outfits. As I passed through the double doors I felt my consciousness shift from the serenity of night to dazzling chaos. The gym lights beamed down from their I-beam mounts to paint everything in a harsh glare that made my head hurt. The hues of our dresses, dark and muted outside now flamed and clashed in a war of color. Conversations roared around us like water over a great rapid. Everything was alive. At the other end of the gym, the man thin as curtain rods and old enough to be my grandfather danced around on the stage. A banner hung off the edge proclaimed him to be DJ Jazzy Johnny. Johnny wore a plaid sports coat, checkered pants and an Afro of tightly curled hair dyed bright red. As he danced, he struck ludicrous poses while music blasted out of two massive speakers. "Are you ready to party ladies and gents?" he yelled, head cocked, his hand cupped to his ear. The gym fell silent. He pretended to check his watch. "I think it's tiiiimmmmeee," he drawled. His finger tapped a key on the laptop in front of him. The speakers blared to life with Kesha, rap-singing about the Tik Tok of the clock. "Bathroom," Brett yelled above the music. I felt my stomach churn and I fought the urge to be sick. We wove our way through the crowd through the open door of the girls dressing room moving past the wooden benches and shelves of wire baskets into the bathroom. Brett gathered us into a huddle "Okay, now that we're here what next?" "What do you mean?" Abby wanted to know. "I mean we're at the dance. What now? I don't want to spend the night hanging out by the refreshment table like a loser. Do you?" "I think we should mingle," said Shelly. "You know, walk around and talk to people." She looked at me. "What do you think, Alex?" "I think it's stupid. The only people we know are right here. Who does that leave to mingle with?" "We'll that's perfect," Brett said facing me, her hands balled on her hips "Why did you come if you're not going to do anything but be negative. You're going to ruin things for everybody the same as you did at the sleepover." "Yeah, Brett that was my big plan. I wanted to ruin your night. Actually you were the ones that insisted I come. I thought I was doing you a favor. It's not my fault people think you're a nerd." "And it's not my fault people are saying you're a--" A chill ran through me. I knew the answer before I asked. "A what?" "Some kind of freak," she whispered. "They're saying you used to be male." Abby grabbed my arm guiding me away from the others. "It's Brooke. She's trying to spread rumors. It's stupid Alex. Ignore it." I looked at my friends. Shelly eyes were downcast, her lips pursed. I could see the wheels turning in her head thinking things out. Brett looked unsure, her hands nervously brushing her dress, unable to meet my gaze. Only Abby looked at me. My eye caught my reflection in the mirrors lining the wall across from me. A half a dozen faces, looked back at me with their dark lashes and pink lips. Fake! Fake! Fake! They shouted in unison. "I not a fake," I said. "What!" Abby said. My friends were staring. I'd spoken out loud. "That stuff people are saying," I said. "It's not true." "I know that," said Brett. "Look I'm sorry. And I'm sorry about what I said about the sleepover. It was a mean ... It's just I thought the dance would be different. I didn't know everyone would be the same as they are at school. She opened her arms to me. "Friends?" "Friends," I said as we hugged. "Okay, girls," Brett said. "Let's go mingle." I followed my friends back into the gym past the empty DJ station. Jazzy Johnny was hunched near the refreshment stand pouring something from a little flask into a paper cup. I could have used some of that myself. As we tramped across the polished wood of the empty dance floor aka basketball court, I scanned the crowd, picking out several people from my Literature and Geometry classes. Though they were dressed in suits and formals they were still my classmates and on Monday they would be sitting in class around me like any other school day. The realization made my idea, that by wearing girly clothes I could change things, absurd. Though I was in a frilly dress with makeup and heels. The stories about me were still churning in the rumor mill. I could see it on the faces around me, frank curiosity, cocky grins, and on some, sneers mixed with overt disgust. Brooke had done her work well. Brett our self-appointed leader, struck out ahead with Shelly and Abby following sheepishly behind. Ignoring the stares at the freak in the dress (me) I joined the procession. But as resolute as we were, all we managed was a grueling circuitous trek around the gym that ended where we began, at the entrance of the girls dressing room. "That was lovely," said Abby. "Not one person talked to us. They acted like we weren't there." This wasn't entirely true. I'd gotten some interesting looks. Out on the dance floor a few kids were moving to the music under the watchful eyes of the unlucky teachers drafted to play chaperon on a Friday night. It didn't look like anyone was having much fun, the dancers or the teachers. With nothing to do, we watched the dancers gyrate around. Brett made a few crude jokes about how dumb some of the couples looked. But I knew this was bravado. She would have given anything to be one of them. Abby and Shelly just looked bummed. The night wasn't working out for any of us. The song ended and the couples scattered like a teardrop of mercury striking the floor. "I'm need something to eat," said Shelly, "I'm starting to get the shakes Come with me?" I shook my head as I eyed an empty chair a few feet away. My feet throbbed from wearing heels. All I wanted was to sit down and kick off my shoes. "Come on, you haven't had anything since this morning, either. There's cake and cookies." "Not hungry," I said. "Ahh-leeexxx , come with meeeee." "No! The line's too long. Take Brett or Abby." "You guys want to get some punch and cake?" "Sorry," said Abby. " Taylor DePalao just motioned to me. I'm going to see what she wants." I spotted a tall girl wearing a blue shapeless dress waving at us. "I'm going with her," said Brett. "Ming-gle," she sang as they trotted off. "If you won't go with me will you at least wait here and not wander off," Shelly said. "I might be a while." I looked at the line. It had doubled. "Sure." "Oh and Alex," she said. "I'm sorry." "For what?" "For dragging you to a stupid dance you didn't want to attend." "It's fine," I said. "Go eat." By the time Shelly joined the food line, one of the male teachers occupied my chair. I mentally cursed him for taking my seat. The pain that started in my feet now stretched to my lower calves. I wanted desperately to sit down. I scurried around looking for another chair or even a beach when I noticed Austin. He was standing a few feet away in a blue blazer and tan pants. He'd replaced his motorcycle boots with brown loafers. He ran a hand through his tangled hair as he studied me with those blue gray eyes. The cockeyed optimism from the day we met was missing, replaced with something more serious. His expression seemed to say, "hurt me once shame on you. Hurt me twice shame on me." I tired to smile hoping to prompt one from him but couldn't get my mouth to obey. The muscles twisted all wrong and the result was something like a frown. We continued to stare like two strangers who meet on a narrow bridge with room for only one to cross. We might have stayed like that forever; our eyes locked together with neither of us giving in when I was overcome with the urge to pee. It was one of those times when there's no holding it. I twisted away from Austin and raced for the girls bathroom. I ducked into the first stall, pulled down my panties and sat, not bothering to check for cleanliness. The damn broke almost before I could settle on the seat and I narrowly avoided spraying myself. After I finished and wiped, I took time to sort some things out. Austin had looked at me as if I were a stranger. Maybe it was because I brok up with him so abruptly but I didn't think so. More likely he heard the rumor Brooke was spreading about me and my racing off like a scared rabbit convinced him it was true. Suddenly, I didn't want to be here anymore. DJ Jazzy Johnny was busting out his archaic moves to "Burning Down the House" when I stepped back into the gym. The dance area was packed forcing me to hug the side of the wall. Shelly still waited in a line that was moving agonizingly slow. There was a good chance she'd starve to death before she reached the food. I glanced around for Brett and Abby but the dancers blocked my view. I'd have to wait until the floor cleared to find them. I turned back to watch Shelly's progress when Brooke Simons stepped from the front of the line. She had a cup of punch in each hand. When she saw me, she angled in my direction. I stood my ground ready to jump back if she tried to fling the drinks at me. "What's wrong, Hobo?" she asked when I tensed. She noticed my eyes on the cups and her face lit up. "No. I'm not going to drench you, that would be a waste of good punch." "What do you want, Brooke?" "Just to tell you I'm about to get even." 'How, by getting Austin to dump me in front of everyone? We're not together. He didn't even speak we he saw me. "Oh Hobo. Such a simple mind for such a simple girl... if you are one. No I've decided not to worry about you. But stick around; I wouldn't want you to miss me crowned Miss Freshman. Daddy even provided spotlights. Oh, and that rumor about you. I will find out if its true and if it is, I promise the entire town will hear about it. See ya, but I wouldn't want to be ya." I was fuming by the time I reached Shelly. "I'm ready to blow this place off," I said. "Yeah, this night has sucked pretty bad," she agreed. "Just let me get something in my stomach and I'll call Grandmother to pick us up." It took another ten minutes before Shelly reached the refreshment table. She ambled back with a paper plate of broken cookies and watery punch. "I guess I waited too long," she said picking through the crumbs for the larger pieces. She popped one in her mouth and chewed. "We should tell Abby and Brett we're leav--" The gym lights dimmed. A mummer of surprise rose around us. Two bright spots of light moved in a crisscross pattern along the stage to settle on where DJ Jazzy Johnny held a mike. He blew into the mike with a rough, abrasive pffff. "Testing, testing." "Are you ready to hear the results of the voting?" Jazzy Johnny asked. He peered myopically at the students gathered beneath him. "Who do you think got voted Miss Freshman.?" Several names were shouted out. "Before we reveal the r