How I Became The Baddest Girl In Clarksville Part 13 Lost Girl free porn video

How I became the Baddest Girl in Clarksville Part 13 : Lost Girl -I'm Out of Gas and You Need a Jacket- I awoke to someone shaking me and calling my name. "Alex. Alex wake up, honey. It's not even six o'clock and you're in bed. You don't feel well?" I opened my eyes. Mom leaned over me, her face lined with concern. She pressed her palm to my forehead. "You don't have a fever." she said. "Are you starting your period? Is it cramps?" "No, Mom," I said. "I just..." Just what? "I'm just tired.. I...I stayed up late last night. We were...were watching movies." "Well, Your dad's home and he has some news. He wants all of us together when he shares it. Do you think you can stir yourself enough to come downstairs for a little while. He brought pizza. Your favorite, sausage with extra pepperoni." Pizza? We only ordered pizza for two reasons. Either Mom was too busy to cook or we were celebrating something. "Okay," I said. "Give me time to wake up. I'll be downstairs in a few minutes." "Don't be too long," Mom warned, exiting stage left, closing the door. I propped myself up on my elbows to get a better view of my room. How had I ended up in bed ? The chair from my desk was still in front of the window. Though I didn't remember doing it, I must have vacated it sometime during my meltdown and crawled into my bed. Luckily, Mom found me here and not zoned out at the window, in my underwear. Still sleep drunk, I slithered from under the covers and muddled my way to my closet. Liberating a pair of skinny jeans and a long sleeve tee off their hangers I dressed. My next stop was the bathroom mirror where I checked for traces I'd been crying. There was no redness around my eyes but my hair was a mess. Feeling a little more alive, I went back to my room to fetch a brush and a hair band. I combed out the tangles and pulled my hair into a pony tail. Then I headed downstairs. Tyler and my parents were waiting at the dining room table. Two large pizzas in unopened boxes sat in the middle. A stack of paper plates stood beside them. "It took you long enough," my brother grumbled. "We've been waiting forever." "Tyler, leave your sister alone," Mom said, opening one of the boxes. The savory aroma of sausage and pepperoni drifted across the table. She lifted out the first slice, placed it on a paper plate and passed it to my father. "Sit down and eat, honey," she said to me. "The plates are beside the pizza and we have soft drinks." The smell of hot pizza made me want some. I took my seat and and snatched the piece Tyler was reaching for in one smooth motion. 'Ladies first," I said, plopping it on my plate, flashing my brother my sweetest smile. He scowled back, sweetening the moment even more.. Tyler grabbed one of the remaining pieces paused and then took a second, draping it over the first. He looked at me and made a face I chose to ignore. I filled my glass with Pepsi, instead. Dad waited until Tyler and I were finished trading gotchas before lifting his glass. He tapped it with a plastic fork creating a ting... ting...ting. "Hear ye, hear ye," he said imitating a town crier. We all looked at my father, astonished at his strange behavior. "As all of you know," he began. "Mr. Myers called earlier saying he needed to meet with the department heads at the plant. When I got there, he announced Clarksville Fertilizer would be closing on New Years. It's not generating enough profit to keep operating." "Oh Steve," Mom said, "I thought you had good news. This means we have to move again. We've just gotten settled." "We're moving!" Tyler cried happily. "Good. I hate this place." "Tyler!" Mom exclaimed. Dad tinged his glass again. "I'm not finished," he said. "The plant has a state of the art research facility. It rivals some of the best labs in the country. It has capabilities far beyond developing new fertilizers and bio-engineered plant nutrients. I suggested to Mr.Myers, he might want to keep the lab open when he closed down the plant. Myers Industries' strength is that it operates on the cutting edge of new technologies. The Clarksville lab is state of the art and could be a valuable resource. I proposed he move the majority of his research here. This way many of the employees could keep their jobs. Maybe not making fertilizer but doing unskilled or semi-skilled tasks. "Mr. Myers admitted none of his other labs were as elaborate as the one in Clarksville. He liked the idea of a central R&D and he also liked the idea of keeping at least some of his workers here employed. If the board of directors approves my proposition, he's agreed of give me two years to make good on my idea. If it shows promise in that time, he plans on locating all his R&D resources here. "Oh! I almost forgot," Dad said, smiling broadly. "I'll be the guy in charge." Mom clasp her hands together. "That's wonderful, Steve. I am so proud of you." "Before you get too excited," Dad said, "I still have to make this work. The first obstacle is convincing the Board it's a viable idea. I'm leaving with Mr. Myers the day after Thanksgiving to meet with them in New York. I'll be gone for three or four days." He look across the table to where Tyler and I sat. "Can you kids help your mother for those days I'll be gone?" "Sure Dad," I said. "What about you, Tyler?" Dad asked. "Do you think you can handle being the man of the house for a few days. Tyler mumbled something incoherent. "We've got this, Daddy," I said. Dad turned back to me. "I'm counting on you, Princess." "Everything will be fine," I said. I hoped it would. Back in my room, perched on my bed, I thought about things. Clarksville would go on, provided Dad could convince the Board of Directors to take a chance on his venture. The bigger question was me. Did I want to remain Alex or did I want to be a boy again. Until today, I'd accepted the idea I'd be a girl for the rest of my life. But when the man that did this to me said he could undo it, everything changed. I didn't have to stay a girl. I thought about this. The mall trip with Shelly had been awesome. Hanging out with Shelly, Abby and Brett was amazing. More amazing than anything I'd experienced as John. There was an intimacy between us. We shared our feelings with each other in a way boys couldn't. At the same time, there were some downsides to being a girl. I had periods and sometimes, something as simple as taking a pee could get complicated, depending on where I was. Also, because I was smaller and weaker and had a vagina, I could be raped.. But I could also rock a skirt that would turn a boy's head just by walking past. So what was it I wanted? I didn't know. I got up off the bed and raised the blinds. Outside my window, a flurry of snow flakes danced in the harsh glare of the streetlight. Somewhere, beyond the the light's reach, cloaked in the night, stood the Barnes House. I could sense its monstrous presence despite the darkness that hid it. "You don't have long," I told the house. "They're taking you apart board by board and soon there will be nothing left that was you at all." "Have you made your choice yet ?" the house whispered. "You really don't have one do you." It chuckled. "You're going to have to go back to being John. It's what everyone will expect you to do. Males are the superior sex. Can you imagine your family's disgust if you pass up a pair of balls for a pussy." 'Stop it," I cried yanking the cord that lowered the blinds. They slithered down as the weighted bottom plummeted, striking the window sill with a sharp crack. Still in motion I snatched up the trac phone I'd left on my desk. Walter had given me the phone programed with a single number. When I had the manila envelop ready to deliver, I would to press the number "1" and Walter would answer with instructions on what to do next. Holding it at arm's length, as if it were something distasteful, I bent down and slid open my desk's bottom drawer of with my free hand. I dropped the phone on top of the manila envelope and then slammed the drawer shut. Right now I wanted it out of my sight. There was no way I was going to deal with my uncle tonight. I returned to the window for another look at the storm. Now the snow descended in thick sheets, creating a solid wall of white. The weather bureau had warned of 'possible blizzard conditions' and I thought they might be right. We could be snowed in. If we were, what would it do to my dad's trip. I knew Mr. Myers well enough to know he didn't like delays. Would Myers opt to scrap Dad's idea. There was nothing I could do if he did. For my dad's sake, I would try to stay positive. The encounter with my uncle left me feeling dirty and I needed a shower. Armed with fresh underwear and my bathrobe, I scarfed a towel out of the hall linen closet and carried everything into the bathroom. I shut the door, undressed. and then cut on the hot water, letting it run. While I waited for it to warm, I drifted over to the mirror. The girl there looked back at me with large blue eyes. Tonight, they were haunted, and my heart went out to her. We gazed at each other a long moment, until the water, splattering in the tub, triggered my need to pee. I lowered the toilet seat and sat, pleased that for once, I didn't have to shuck anything down. Peeing girl style had become so natural I normally didn't think about it. But tonight, I couldn't help imagining how it would be to pee like Tyler. It was silly, the way boys made such a big deal about peeing standing up, like it made them superior somehow to girls. But, what if it did? Like so much else this evening, I wasn't sure. What I was sure of was this train of thought was a road I didn't want to go down. After I wiped and flushed, I checked the water. It had reached the temperature I liked. I got in and pulled the plastic curtain closed. The shower's warmth felt heavenly and I lingered in its caress until the hot water was used completely up. Stepping out of the shower, the room felt frigid. I drew on my bathrobe to blunt the chill, all the while thinking of the fit Tyler would throw when he found out what I'd done. With the mood I was in, I didn't care. He would just have to wait for the water to reheat or take his bath cold. As a girl I preferred nightshirts to sleep in over pajamas because, they were more convenient in a dozen ways. But tonight a nightshirt might not be warm enough. Our furnace was already running wide open and our house was still chilly. With the temperature predicted to drop near zero by early morning it was going to be a seriously cold night. I dug out my pajamas and climbed into them. Then I slipped on a pair of thick wool socks. Feeling cozy, almost giddy in my flannel PJs, I broke into the chorus of one of the Christmas songs I'd heard at the mall. Adding my own twist at the end. "Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it fucking snow. " A peep out the window showed the storm had abated. Now only an occasional snowflake drifted past. I put my hand against the windowpane then quickly drew it back. The glass was ice cold. I thought about the small animals and birds forced to deal with the weather. How did they cope with winter storms. It seemed like fur and feathers alone wouldn't be enough to keep them from freezing. But nature had her ways. Somehow the wild creatures would be just fine.. Humans were the vulnerable ones. We were the ones that needed houses and heaters So where was Walter spending the night. More than likely he was staying with the man I glimpsed when I left the Barnes House. The figure had been a little more than a shadow, darting through a darkened doorway. Frightened, I 'd raced out of the house, not slowing until I was home. Thinking about it now, I felt a shiver climb up my spine. Walter hadn't been bluffing. There had been someone downstairs. Someone that liked little girls for all the wrong reasons. The flashback filled me with dread, enough there was no way I could crawl into bed. With the light out, I would imagine my uncle and his pedophile friend in every dark corner of my room. What was worse, if I didn't get Walter out of my mind, I would go crazy by morning. I needed fresh air. I, laced up my high tops, grabbed my parka and then slipped out of my bedroom. The only light downstairs was the night light near the front door. Sometime during the evening, Mom and Dad had followed my brother and I up the stairs to their own room, to do whatever (eeewwww) parents do, when they're alone. I crept down the stairs and across the living room floor making as little noise as possible. When I reached the front door, I zipped up and then I stepped into the night. Though the moon was only a silver sliver, the sky had cleared and the stars shown down brightly on the newly fallen snow. The result was a spectacular expanse of white made even more profound by the absolute silence surrounding it. I stood on the porch drinking it in as long as I could, until the night's chill began to seep through the thin flannel of my pajamas. Taking a last look at my winter wonderland, I crept back into welcoming warmth of the house. The snow had done what I needed it to do. It had washed away the nasty events of the day. -Alex Descends into Hell for a Bottle of Milk- I followed Abdula down the long hallway that wound through the castle. Tiger Girl's two tigers, Benzali and Togara, led the way Their shadows, large and savage, danced in the flickering torchlight. Tonight, the white stones composing the castle's walls reminded me of bared bone, while the red of Abdula's tunic was the color of freshly spilled blood, Everything around me seemed macabre. Occasionally we passed heavy wooden doors. Massive locks hung from some, while others, I knew, were barred from inside. I wondered what they hid. "Princess Vishnu will be happy to see you little cub," Abdula said. "She has been waiting for you for sometime." "How can she be waiting for me?' I asked. "I didn't even know I was coming here until now." Abdula laughed. "Princess Vishnu knew this day would come and she has prepared for it." I wasn't sure what Abduala meant by 'this day' but I knew from the last time I visited Tiger Girl's "White Castle", I could only find my way here when something of paramount importance was up or I was in the midst of a crisis. We reached the statue of the strange alien god surrounded by its blaze of candles, and like the last time, Abdula paused. Facing the bizarre image, he made a sweeping gesture with his hand and whispered a single word. "What was that all about?" I asked when we began moving again. "What was that statue? And what did you say to it?" "You would call it a god but it is much more," said Abdula. "It is older than the Earth. So old its true name was forgotten eons before our planet was born. "If it's older than the Earth then how do you even know about it?" I asked. "I mean it would have had to come from outer space or something." Abdula laughed. "Perhaps one day I will tell you more, Little Tiger but for now Princess Vishnu is waiting and we must go." We pressed on, following the gentle curve of the hall, past more closed doors and darken archways. The journey began to feel incredibly long and I thought Abdula might be leading us in circles. I was going to quiz him about it when we stopped. "We are here," he said. We were standing next to a small door, smaller than any of the others we'd passed.. I recognized it as the entrance to where I'd met Tiger Girl before. Abdula reached past me and swung the door open. "Go inside, little Tiger," he said gently pressing me into the room. "She is waiting." As I stepped inside, the door slammed behind m,e plunging the room into total darkness. Unable to see, I felt a rising panic, Then the room came alive with light. I'd expected to find myself in the room cluttered with sex toys and raunchy paintings. But that was not where I was. I was in John's bedroom. There was John's bed with the western style bedspread. His shelves of carefully assembled and meticulously painted models of classic monsters from the fifties: Bella Lagusi as Dracula, Lon Chaney Jr as the Wolfman, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Boris Karloff as Frankenstein, as well as the Mad Scientist and the Witch complete with her pantry of potions. Comic con posters were mounted on the wall. The large foot locker sat beneath the window. I knew it held stacks of comics. Suddenly, I was overcome with a sorrow-filled yearning for the boy I used to know. He had just moved to Clarksville and painstakingly arranged his room as close to his bedroom in California as possible, hoping to feel less lonely and lost. But it hadn't made a difference. I knew now John had never fit in, not in Sacramento, not in Clarkville, not anywhere. Like Robert Heinlein's novel, he was a stranger in a strange land. The rustle of paper followed by the scrape of a chair shifted my attention from John to the sound's source. Tiger Girl was seated at my desk. Her back to me, she hoovered over something I couldn't see because her body blocked my view, I edged forward until I could peer over her shoulder. She had the manila envelop and was shuffling through its contents. "Hey!" I cried. "That's private." She ignored me as she continued to poke through the memos and formulas. When she reached the photos, she gave each one a cursory glance then tapped everything into a neat stack and slipped it back in the envelop. With a cat like motion, she slid open the bottom drawer and dropped the envelop inside. "You had no business looking at that," I said. Tiger Girl closed the drawer. Rising to her feet she turned to face me. Tonight she sported what I called her "jungle clothes", a skimpy halter and short-shorts made of tiger skin, baring a whorish amount of flesh. Anyone else dressed this way would have come off as "trashy" but not Tiger Girl. On her, the jungle clothes screamed confidence. She was proud she was female and wanted men to know it. Hello little kitten," she said. " I knew you would come." "You shouldn't have gone through my desk." I said, "that's my personal stuff in there." Tiger Girl studied me, her blue eyes leisurely taking in every detail. "Why are we in John's room instead of where we met last time?" I asked accusingly. " I know why. You came here to snoop on me didn't you." Tiger Girl shook her head. "It was you that chose to meet here not I. Everything you see is a construct of your mind." "That's crazy," I said. "I didn't even like that room. That's why I changed it to how it is now." "But this is where we are kitten. Why?" I knew why, it was something the house had said, the last words the old wicked Victorian whispered to me. Now, I understood the reason I had come to the white castle-- it was my fear that house was right -- that it was inevitable the way things would play out and the decision I would be forced to deliver to Walter, no matter what I might really want. "What are you thinking?" Tiger Girl asked. "Something passed through your mind. I saw it in your eyes." "Nothing," I lied. Tiger Girl walked over to the bed. She smoothed her outfit under her, sat down and crossed her long legs. "Come here kitten," she said gesturing for me to sit beside her. "Let's talk." "Do you remember when we first met?" she asked as I took my place. "I called you John but you denied that's who you were. You said your name was Alex, that you were a girl. Do you remember, kitten?" I nodded. "So why do you now insist you are a boy?" "I don't know what you're talking about," I said looking away before Tiger Girl could see the guilt on my face. "Why would I say something like that?" "Because that is what you are thinking, kitten, that you must become a boy. Why?" All at once it was like tiger Girl pulled the trigger on the lock box where I'd sealed away all the questions and unpleasant realities I was finding too difficult to face. My body tensed My fingers gripped the western style bed spread in an effort to keep myself from launching forward like a crazy rocket. I could feel everything coming to a head... All the hype, all the propaganda the voices and the house had tormented me with... all the uncertainties and self-loathing I'd felt since my encounter with Walter... it all swept through me like a flood, spilling out of me in sobs. "I..I don't know," I screamed, springing from the bed. "I thought... I thought I was supposed to be...a girl. Mrs. Gart...Gartman told my about serendipity and it made sense. I had friends and...my dad started treating me special...but then Walter said...said he could change me back and...that...that ruined everything...because...because now I have to let him make me boy again because ...because.." My voice dropped off. I couldn't finish. "I'll ask you again, kitten," Tiger Girl said, her voice softening. "Why do you think you must become a boy?" "Because it's wrong to stay a girl," I insisted. "It's...it's shameful. Boys aren't supposed to be girls. They're boys." "But you not a boy. You are a girl." "I was a boy, I grew up a boy. I have a chance to be a boy again. It's wrong if I don't do it." Tiger Girl paused, lowering her eye in thought. After a moment she looked at me again. "Who told you to stay a girl is shameful?" she asked. "Nobody...I mean everybody... I mean everyone just knows it. That's why boys don't wear dresses or makeup." "Tell me, kitten," said Tiger Girl. "Do I look shameful?" "Of course not," I said. That was a stupid question. "But why not? I am female and you said females are shameful." "Because," I said. "You're supposed to be a girl. It's not shameful if that's how you're supposed to be." This should have been obvious. "So why is it different for you than for me?" Tiger girl asked. "Because I was a boy!" I shouted. "I was born a goddamn boy and I can't change that even if I want to. Why the hell can't you understand that you dumb bitch!" "I'm sorry," I whimpered, shocked I'd called Tiger Girl a bitch. Her eyes blazed. I expected her to leap off the bed, fingers hooked into claws, ready to rip into my face. Instead. the fire died as quickly as it had erupted. She left the bed and rushed to me sweeping me into her arms. "My poor, confused, little kitten," she whispered holding me close. "Don't you realize you have nothing to be ashamed of. Alex is who you really are. You have always been her." John's bedroom faded. I found myself on a checkered blanket under broad oaks, Above me was a bright blue sky filled with white puffy clouds. I was wearing short-shorts and a halter top. A gentle breeze caressed my legs and shoulders, bringing forth a thankfulness that as a girl, I could dress this way. I didn't want to be anything else. My father sat on the blanket across from me. He smiled and I smiled back. We didn't need to say anything. We were happy just being in each others company. I watched as my father produced a large wicker basket from behind, the kind used for picnics. He sat it between us and reached inside. I expected the basket to hold a picnic lunch but what my father took out was a tiara. Cradling it in his hands he leaned over and placed it on my head. I reached up, tracing the thin sliver threads of filigree, nestled in my hair, with my finger. "Why did you do that Daddy?" I asked. "Because," he said, "no matter what happens, you'll always be my princess." "What do you mean?" I asked. "Well," my father said, reaching back into the basket pulling out two plates made of brightly colored plastic. He passed one to me keeping the other one for himself. "You have some decisions to make. That's what make this time together special. I may not have you with me much longer." "Daddy, I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be your princess," I said adjusting the tiara on my head. "I don't know," said my father, reaching into the basket yet again. This time he lifted out an impossibly large platter covered in tinfoil. He removed the foil, exposing a mound of sesame seed buns stuffed with a red meat sauce. My nose picked up the aroma of sloppy joe. He handed one to me and took one for himself. "Try it," Hhe said. "It's my own recipe." I bit into the soft bun and my tongue picked out the familiar flavors of tomato, spices and ground beef-- mixed with something else, foreign and bitter. This wasn't a sloppy joe at all. "These aren't sloppy joes. What are they, Daddy?" I asked. "They're manwiches, honey. All you have to do is eat one and you'll be a boy, again." I spit the manwich out of my mouth, hurling the rest the sandwich into the grass. "I thought I was your princess," I said alarmed, wiping my mouth with my hand. "You are," he said. "But if you aren't happy being a girl, I'll have to say bon voyage." "I don't want to be a boy," I cried. "I like who I am." My fathers face began to distort I watched in horror as his features transformed into the hideous wreck of my Uncle Walter. "To late, John," Walter said. I felt my body start to change. "No," I screamed. "Make it stop. I want to stay me. I want to stay me. I want to--" "Alex, Alex, honey wake up." "Uh," I groaned. I opened my eyes. Mom was hovering over me. She looked concerned. "Are you okay, princess?" Dad asked standing behind her. "You were screaming." "Uh, yeah. I kinda had a nightmare." Mom smiled. "That was some dream. Why don't you come downstairs and I'll make you a glass of warm milk. It will help you sleep." The milk sounded perfect. It would provide a much needed space before I tired to go back to sleep. "Just yell if you need me precious," Dad said before shuffling off. I tossed off the covers and rolled out of bed. Mom waited by the door until I was on my feet and could follow her down the stairs. I felt a definite chill when we reached the bottom floor, proof of the frigid temp outside. The roar of the furnace forcing all the heat it could muster through the ducts made me glad I'd chosen pajamas and wool socks to wear to bed. We passed through the dining room into the kitchen and I settled into a chair at the breakfast table. It didn't take long for the milk to heat. Mom poured it into a glass and carried it to where I sat. "This should make you feel better sweetie," she said dropping off her cargo and taking the seat across from me. "Thanks Mom," I said. I didn't waste any time. Lifting the glass I drained half its contents in three nervous gulps. Calmer I set the half empty glass on the table. I had a question but I wasn't sure how to ask it. "Mom," I ventured. "Yes, dear." "Is it...is it wrong to like who I am?" Mom rested her arms on the table and leaned toward me. "What do you mean, Alex?" she asked, her eyes searching my face "I mean is it wrong for me to like..." I hesitated. This was so fucking difficult. I took a breath.. "Is it wrong for me to like being a...a girl?" I managed to force out the "G" word. "Don't be silly, Alex," Mom said. "Of course not. You are a girl." "But...but I wasn't always--" "Really, Alex." Mom sighed. "I thought we were past this." "Fine," I said. This was just like my mother to blow off things she found too difficult to deal with. "I"m sorry I bothered you." Mom reached over and rook my hand before I could push away from the table. "Baby, I didn't mean it like that. It's just you seemed so happy going to sleepovers, and the mall with your fiends. I...I didn't know this was still bothering you." "I mean..." I said trying to collect my thoughts. "I'm okay with everything... kind of. Sometimes I'm glad things happened the way that they did but... but sometimes I feel like I'm taking the easy way out, you know cheating." "How is that cheating, Alex?" Mom asked. "Girls get to skip a lot of stuff," I said. "Boys are expected to do things girls don't have to do." "Like what, honey?" "Like boys are expected to get jobs and provide for their families. Girls can stay home if they want to and let boys do everything for them. And not just that, boys are expected be tough all the time. Like if there's a war, boys have to go fight and maybe get killed. Girls don't have to do that." "Alex, there are lots of men that avoid military service and just as many women that served and are serving. Your grandmother was a nurse in Viet Nam." "That's not what I'm saying, Mom. What I mean is I was never good at boy stuff and now I don't have to be. That seems like cheating." "Honey," Mom went on. "Lots of girls your age question their self-worth. Give things a few years. You're going to find out how difficult being a woman is, especially if you become a mother. I doubt a man could do it. Now go back to bed, and stop worrying. You're just confused because you had a bad dream. Tomorrow you will have forgotten all about this. " I sighed. Circling the table to my mother's side, I kissed her good- night. As I trudged off to my room, I realized I was going to have to figure this one out on my own. -How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away- Mom hadn't been any help and knowing her as I did, I wondered why I'd thought she would. The warm milk did make it possible for me to get back to sleep, and this time it was dreamless. I awoke to the morning sun beaming through my bedroom window, warm and golden, promising a better day. I slipped out of bed and padded over to the window. Drawing up the blinds I looked out on a snow covered street. Last night's dream still plagued me but I refused to let it spoil the delight I spied outside my window. I lowered the blinds, hurrying off to find something to wear. Today, being Sunday, made the choice easy. I skipped over my skinny jeans for a more comfortable pair and a sweatshirt. I grabbed my hair brush and with my clothes stashed under my arm, headed for the bathroom. As usual Tyler left the toilet seat up. I left my jeans and sweatshirt on top of the clothes hamper lowered the seat and pulled down my pajama bottoms and panties. Better, I thought, he left the seat up than peed on it While I did my business I opened my legs enough to expose the tiny tuft of golden hair between them. I slid my fingers into the soft curls aware of how curiously smooth I was now. At the same time, it was hard to imagine being any other way. When I finished my pee, I wiped, pulled up my panties, leaving my pajama bottoms on the floor. After I dressed in my jeans and sweatshirt, I stood in front of the mirror. As I brushed the tangles out of my hair, I was careful to avoid the uneasy glances from the girl on other side,. I had a pair of mittens Mom bought me in Pineville I'd never worn. After I'd put on my high tops, and ferreted out my rubber boots and my parka; I dug through my dresser until I found them in in a back corner of my sock drawer. I tucked them in my pocket on my way out. I skipped down the stairs zipping up my parka on the way. When I reached the bottom I could hear voices from the kitchen. I picked out Tyler's mixed with Mom and Dad's. Everyone was laughing about something. I hesitated, wondering if I should join my parents and brother, to find out what the hilarity was about. I decided no. I wanted some alone time and with everyone occupied, this was the perfect moment for it. With my mind focused solely on the waiting snow I cruised toward the door. I stepped outside to be nearly blinded by the morning sun reflecting off absolute white. I waited as my eyes adjusted to the brightness and then skipped across the porch. Not bothering with the steps I leaped into the air, dropping softly into the snow and went straight to work. Making a snow man was harder than I imagined at least the size I wanted to build. By the time I'd finished forming a second ball of snow and hefted it on top of the first, I was beginning to sweat. Taking a moment to rest, I checked my progress, stoked with what I'd done. When it was time to form the head, I realized I hadn't considered how tall my snowman would be. I didn't have enough reach to sit his head on his shoulders. I needed something to stand on. I glanced around the yard in hopes that I'd spot a bucket or box. Otherwise, I'd have to make a trip to the shed which I was sure was locked,--which meant I'd have to go inside to get the key-- which meant I'd have to explain why I was outside and not in the kitchen with the rest of the family to my mother- -who wouldn't get it the first time around and yada yada yada... not something I was anxious to do. My only other option was to deconstruct my snowman and rebuild him closer to my height. But I wasn't keen on that, either. I liked him the way he was. I was still chewing on my problem when my dad appeared on the porch. He had on his heavy coat, and was wearing his tweed hat and driving gloves. A scarf was wrapped around his neck. "Want some company?" he asked, carefully descending the steps. "I guess," I said, bummed my alone time was over. "Your mom is making her traditional snow day breakfast,." he said wading across the yard to where I stood. "It might take a while so I thought I'd play in the snow with my favorite girl in the world," "We don't have a traditional snow day breakfast, Daddy," I said, ignoring the favorite girl and whatever else he said thing. He wasn't going to win me over with words. "We've never had a snow day until we moved here." "Well," my dad laughed. "It's something new we're starting. Waffles, eggs, bacon and hash browns." The breakfast menu did sound good. And I was starting to get hungry. My father studied the half-finished snowman. "Pretty impressive," he said. "No it's not," I countered. "He doesn't even have a head. I made him too big. And now I'm not tall enough to put his head on him." "Let's see if I can do it," he said, reaching down for the ball of snow at my feet. My father lifted the "head", placing it easily on the snowman's shoulders. "How's that?" he asked patting it into place. "It needs eyes and and a nose," I said, trying to stay negative. Dad rubbed his chin with gloved fingers, a suspiciously devious grin on his face. "Hmmm....I might have something in my pockets. Let's see what I can do." He dipped into his coat pockets and pulled out several large buttons and a knit hat. The hat went on the snowman's head and the large buttons provided it with much needed nose and eyes, A crescent of smaller buttons formed a mouth. I had to admit the end result was pretty cool. Now that some of my anti-social mood had thawed, it wasn't so bad having my father help me with my snowman. While Dad added more buttons down the snowman's chest I scavenged around for something to use for arms. One of the elms, growing in the corner of our yard, had several of low hanging limbs bowed almost to the ground due to last night's snow fall. I snapped off two long, brittlely-thin limbs and carried them back to my father. He stuck them in the snowman's "shoulders" and we had instant 'arms". We stood back and admired our efforts. I thought the snowman looked pretty handsome. My father seemed less sure. Hands on his hips, his brow furrowed he scowled as if he were deciding to do something extreme when Mom called from the front door.. "Steve. Alex. Breakfast is almost ready. You need to stop and clean up." "Go get breakfast, honey," my dad said. "I'll meet you inside in just a minute. I need to do one more thing." I hesitated, I wasn't sure I wanted to leave my dad alone with my snowman--not the way he was looking at it. "I'll stay and help," I offered. "No, you go on." He insisted shooing me off. "I'm coming." "You're not going to undo anything are you?" I asked. "Of course mot." He said. "I just want to make sure it's sturdy enough to handle the full sun. You don't want it melting do you." "Nooouuuhh," I said, not really sure he was being honest. "Okay, then go wash up and help your mother set the table. The sooner you do the sooner I can finish up." "Fine," I said, giving up I trudged across the snowy ground toward the open door where my mom waited. "Why isn't your father coming?" Mom asked when I reached her. "What's he doing out there?" I looked back across the yard. Dad stood exactly where I'd left him. He saw me and waved. "He said he'd come in a minute," I told Mom. "Well, wash up," she said. "By time you do I'll have your breakfast, ready." I could have washed up in the laundry room. It was just off off the kitchen where we were eating at the small breakfast table. But I opted for the bathroom upstairs that I shared with Tyler,. It was larger and more comfortable, plus I had to pee. After I relived myself, I lathered my hands with soap and thrust them into the warm stream of water gushing from the faucet, scrubbing vigorously and then checked my fingernails for missed crud. When I was done, I drifted to the mirror. The girl there, the one with honey-gold hair looked back at me.with large blue eyes. Her tiny upturned nose and pouty mouth gave her face a doll like quality. I marveled at how different she was from John. I twisted away, turning my back on the girl before my mind could go off the deep end, and the voices from yesterday could start their clamor again. I intended for today to be a free day, and that was what it was going to be: free of decisions, free of thought. The only thing on my agenda was to play in the snow. With most of the roads closed, no one was going anywhere, anyway. I'd decide what to do about Walter's offer when the weather cleared. That would be soon enough. I'd hung my parka on the coat rack by the front door. I planned to go back outside after breakfast and I wanted it handy. As I came down the stairs, I saw Dad's coat hanging next to it. I was surprised when he wasn't in the kitchen. "Where's Dad?" I asked Mom. "I sent him upstairs to wash up and put on dry clothes." "What!" I said. "What was he doing he needed dry clothes. Did he change up my snowman." "Go look," Mom said. "He did didn't he," I cried. "I'm not saying.You'll have to find out for yourself." 'Fine," I said. Doing an about face, I headed for the door. "Alex," Mom called after me. "Yes," I paused to look back. "Your father adores you," she said smiling. "Huh?" "Go look." I didn't see anything different from the porch. There was the snowman my father and I built, where we left him surrounded by footprints we'd made scurrying around in the snow. It was easy to pick out Mom's from the others. Hers ran in a rigid line cutting across our scattered prints, doubling back with Dad's larger prints in tow. Whatever my dad had been up to, he'd been so involved Mom had to leave the warmth of her kitchen to go and get him. I smiled to myself, thinking of how my parents had each others backs. That was part of love, looking after one another. I wondered if I'd find someone, some day that would have my back and me theirs I hoped so, but would it be as a boy or as a girl. I tensed. My thoughts had taken another wrong turn. Forcing myself back on track, I reminded myself of why I 'd come outside. Then I noticed the snowman wasn't wearing the knit cap. My dad had replaced it with his tweed hat. Curious, as to why, I stepped off the porch. When I touched down I felt the damp snow seeping through the thin canvas of my high-tops. I'd forgotten to put on my overshoes. Rather than go back inside and change footwear, I plowed forward, ignoring the squishy feel of each step. When I reached the snowman I saw what my mother was talking about. She was small, almost exactly my size. The head of an old mop provided her with hair topped off with the knit cap borrowed from the other snowman. My dad's scarf was wrapped around her neck, The buttons composing her mouth were arranged into a big smile.. But the most amazing thing wasn't the snowgirl, it was the way Dad had changed the snowman. He'd repositioned its arms so now the snowman had one hand on the snowgirl's shoulder while the other pointed into the distance. Both snow people were looking at whatever the snowman was pointing to. So why had my father done this, going so far as to ruin his favorite hat by giving it to a snowman ? I discovered the answer in snowgirls cap. A corner of an index card peeped out jsut above where the cap folded up. I eased it out and saw my dad had printed the word "princess" on it. The card had somehow slipped down into the cap's fold so I hadn't seen it. Suddenly it all made sense. This was my dad's way of expressing something he found to difficult to say with words. The snowgirl was me and the snowman was my dad. He was pointing out all the wonderful things we would share together as father and daughter in the future. I walked back to the house thinking of how different things were now, Something, I wasn't sure what, caused my dad to see me differently. Mother was right. He did adore me as I did him. I was his princess and he was my hero beyond words. Why, I asked,would I ever want to change the way things were.. And quickly as that I made my decision. I would give Walter the manila envelop but I was going to stay Alex. I wiped the bottom of my wet shoes on the door mat and then decided to take them off before going inside. After I hung my parka on the coat tree I carried my wet shoes and socks to the dryer. Tossing them in I switched it on. Just as I came out of the laundry room my dad walked into the kitchen. I raced over and locked my arms around his waist pressing my head against his chest. "I love you Daddy," I said. "I love you too, princess," He said a hint of a question in his voice. "Is everything all right?" "Everything is fine, Daddy," I said, hugging him tighter, not wanting to let go. "I just needed to tell you that." -Gallons of Rubbing Alcohol Flow Through the Strip- Breakfast was a fun fest. Everyone joked and laughed more than any time I could remember. Even Tyler was in a good mood. Either he and Brooke had made up or he'd found something to replace her. I wanted to ask him what was up but decided he'd tell me if he wanted me to know. After breakfast I helped Mom wash the dishes. Dad made a call to Mr, Myers. After a brief conversation he directed his steps to the living room where he perched in front of the television, eyes glued to the weather channel. If the snow continued he and Mr. Myers might have to put their plans on hold. The airport in Pineville had suspended all flights until further notice and if they missed the November meeting, they would have to wait until January for the board to convene again. Though the January meeting was doable, neither Mr. Myers nor my dad wanted to wait that long with everything so uncertain. Though Dad offered to let me sit with him, (and I would have loved nothing more). I didn't want to waste the day inside. I pulled my still warm high-tops and socks out of the dryer and put them back on. Then I slipped on my parka and overshoes (no more wet high tops) and went back outside. The sun was beginning its climb in a cloudless, blue sky and it wouldn't be long before all the glorious snow would disappear. I intended to get the most I could out of it before it did. My first stop was to revisit the snowman and his daughter. They were a little dilapidated, their shapes already melting under the suns heat. Still, my heart swelled with love for my father. What was it that changed him from indifferent (repulsed) to making me his princess? I might never know, but whatever it was, I bowed my head and I whispered a deep and sincere thank you. Something wet struck me on the shoulder. I turned to see Tyler's grinning face,. His hands were forming another snowball. I ducked behind the snowmen just as he lobbed it at me. Scooping up a hand full of snow, I packed my own snowball. I stepped back into the open just as Tyler hurled another ball of snow. I dodged it, then flung mine. My aim wasn't as good as my brother but I still nicked his thigh. The strike sent me into a victory dance. It also gave Tyler the opportunity to reload and fire again pinging me on the hand, He did his own dance as we broke into an all out snowball fight, laughing and squealing as we chased each other around the yard. Exhausted we tumbled to the ground, our faces flushed. We lay side by side struggling to catch our breath, looking up at the sky. Tyler was the first one to speak. "You know you throw like a girl," he said. "I got you good a few times," I countered. "You got lucky," he said grinning. "It was fun, though." "So," I ventured, "still wish Clarksville would blow away." "Actually, I'm giving it a second chance," he admitted. "Sooooo...I'm guessing you and Brooke made up." "Nope, Brooke and I are history," Tyler said. "I'm talking to Randi now. She called me last night." "Randi," I repeated the name. "Like in Randi Carr, the Deb." "Ye-ah," said Tyler falling back into his old condescending-sarcastic self. "How'd you figure that one out." "Seriously Tyler, why did she call you?" I asked. "Chrissy pissed her off. She got snubbed like me and Brooke. Anyway, she was trying to to get in touch with Brooke. She got my number from Nathan-- turns out they're related, fifth cousins or something. Anyway she called me and we kind of hit it off. " I blinked. It amazed me how easily my brother could pick up girls. At the same time, I was happy for him. Breaking up with Brooke must have been hard. He'd worshiped her, but Randi had wiped it all away with one phone call. I wondered if I'd ever find myself in a relationship. Not the transient kind like my brother's but something meaningful and lasting like my parents had. Going through life alone seemed tragic but the closest I'd ever been to anyone was my on again off again "friendship" with Austin. The truth was I was still in the process of discovering who I was. I couldn't see how I could be attracted to someone else until I understood me. "That reminds me," Tyler said. "I promised I'd call her today. Do you think she's up?" I shrugged. Tyler stood up and brushed the snow off himself. "I'm gonna see," he said. I watched him slosh through the snow toward the front door. Once he disappeared inside I turned my attention to the cul-du-sac. I wasn't ready to go in. The quiet whiteness that surrounded me was like a soothing balm to the burn that was my brain. I walked to the edge of our yard. Stepping into the street, I started toward its end. There was no traffic and the absence of passing cars seemed spooky weird, reminding me of a scene from "The Omega Man". But more than that, the silence made me aware of just how vulnerable I was outside alone. Right now, with no witnesses, it would be easy for Walter to sweep down on me with his friend, throw me into the back seat of a car and carry me off. I immediately realized how absurd that was. First, Walter was barely capable of walking, even with his cane, let alone trying to abduct someone. Secondly, it wasn't me he wanted. He wanted the manila folder in my desk drawer. I intended to give it to him but he would have to promise I would never hear from him again. The sun had climbed well above the trees transforming snow, not sheltered by shadow, in to icy mush. In the far distance I could hear the growl of a snowplow. Before long, Church goers would be filling pews in their Sunday finery, while the restaurants around town would be heating their ovens, ready to feed the congregations when services were over, offering fifteen percent off if they brought a church bulletin. Sadly, it would be business as usual in Clarksville and my winter wonderland would only be a memory. I wondered if the mall would open. More than that if Head Gamers would be open and if Ian would be there. I could call and see if anyone answered. If they did I might get my mom or dad to take me so I could pick up a pack of The Gathering cards. I thought it might be a really fun game to learn; plus the artwork was really cool. "Let's be honest," said Practical Alex popping up to stick her nose into things. "You're not interested in buying a deck of cards. You want to see Ian." "So," I said, "what if I do?" "Are you ready for that?" "What do you mean," I asked although I knew the answer. I was thinking of Ian in the same way I'd thought about Monica when I was John, someone sexually desirable. The idea sent a delicious shiver through me and I realized I had become more of a girl than I imagined. "I hope you know what you're doing," Practical Alex warned. "So do I," I admitted, after she poofed out. Heading back down,the street toward home, I wondered how I could convince my parents to take me to the mall, if, of course, Ian was there. Mom met me at the door dressed in her casual-formal work garb. She had car keys in her hand. "Vivian called a few minutes ago," she said when I asked what was going on. "She asked if I could come in for an hour or so while the roads are free of snow. She needs help securing things in the store All the merchants are going to be there. The weatherman says more snow is on the way. They're expecting several days of it. The mall could be closed for a week or longer." I couldn't believe my luck. This was the opportunity I'd been looking for. If all the store owners were being called in, then Ian would be there too. "Can I go with you, Mom?" I asked. "Really, Alex?" My mother said in surprise. "There won't be anything for you to do. Besides you spent most of the day yesterday at the mall." 'Yeah," I said. "But there was something in this store I saw yesterday. I want to look at again. I know the owners. They'll let me hang out." "I don't know honey. Your dad will be wrapping our pipes so they don't freeze. Tyler's going to help but he might need your help too. I think you should stay here." "Dad," I pleaded. "Tyler and I have this Ann," said my father, still on the couch, still watching the weather.. "Let her go with you." Mom thought for a moment. "I suppose you can go. Actually, you can help me shop when we finish at the mall. We need to stock up on can goods and batteries before the storm. But I'm warning you, Alex, if you get bored you'll have to deal with it on your own. I can't stop what I'm doing to take you home." "Fine," I said. "I'm bored now. At least at the mall I can walk around and look at things." "All right, Alex. Get your coat. We need to leave, They're predicting more snow by this afternoon and I don't want to be caught out when it arrives." "Uh...I need a minute to change," I said. "Change!!? Alex, we don't have--" "I'll be just a minute," I said cutting Mom off before making a mad dash for the stairs. I hurried up to my room stripping off my top and jeans before I even I closed the door. Tearing into my closet, I grabbed a pale pink skater dress I'd never worn and a pink sweater that was a shade darker. I intended to look as cute and girly for Ian as I could. Shoes were a problem. I could never navigate my way through the snow in my dressy ones. I settled for my Converse high tops figuring if I played things right Ian wouldn't notice what was on my feet and anyway, they were pink.. "You're wearing that!" Mom exclaimed as I trotted down the stairs. "Alex, it's freezing outside." "It'll be fine, Mom," I argued. "We have a heater in the car and the mall will have the heat on." Mom sighed. "Well I think wearing a dress is a mistake, but we don't have time for you to change." I followed my mother out to the car completely unaffected by the cold. My mind was too much on Ian, wondering if I would actually see him today. I slipped into my seat finding it difficult not to fidget, I was so eager. I'd never felt this way and I wondered what it was I was after. Was this sudden interest the result of losing Austin. Or was it I liked Ian for Ian. It didn't matter? I wanted to see him again and that's what I was doing. "You know, Alex," Mom said, as she backed out of our driveway. "I've never seen you this anxious to visit the mall... and wearing a dress? You never wear dresses. Is there something you need to tell me." "If you must know," I said trying to sound innocent and therefore offended by the question. "There's this store..." "Yes," Mom said, "the one where you know the owners. You told me that earlier." "...they sell gaming cards." "Gaming cards!" Mom exclaimed. "Alex, you're not gambling are you?" "No Mom. It's a fantasy magic game. You play it with cards, that's all. I thought about getting a deck. They have tournaments on weekends." "You were at the mall all day yesterday, why didn't you get them then." "I would have but Shelly rushed me off before I could." "So how does the dress fit into all this?" she asked, taking her eyes off the road to give me a look that said she was seriously concerned. "Are dresses required for these tournaments." "Gawd, Mother. Why do you have to be all in my business," I cried. "Because you're, fourteen. That makes your business my business," Mom said. "Fine," I said. "I'll tell you. There's this boy I like, okay? His parents own the store and he helps them there. I wanted to look nice for him." Mom looked away. I saw she was struggling not to laugh. "It's not funny, Mom." "I'm not laughing at you, honey It's me. I should have seen this coming," Her expression sobered. "Just be careful, okay." "Mom, he's nice." "I'm sure he is but still..." "Sure, Mom. I will." The parking area around the mall was deserted. The few cars and vans there looked out of place in the vast sea of snow that surrounded them. Mom chose a space in the front row and we slogged through a mix of snow and slush to the entrance. The doors were locked. A mall guard stood just inside. Mom waved to get his attention. The guard frowned and then opened the doors only enough his bulk blocked our entrance. "Sorry Ma'am mall's closed," he said. "I work at Just Girls," Mom said. "I'm here by request of the owner. She needs help covering the merchandize to protect it from possible damage from the storm." The guard studied my mother, weighing the truth of her story. Then he glanced at me. "Who is she?" he asked. "'This is my daughter, Alex," Mom said. "She will be helping too." The guard grunted. The doors opened. "You have until three o'clock, then we shut everything down," he said, stepping aside to let us in. The mall's interior was eerily quiet. The speakers, that had only yesterday piped out an endless stream of canned Christmas tunes. were now hushed. The only sounds were Mom's shoes on the checkered floor tile and the infrequent conversations of shop owners drifting from open doors as they prepared for the impending weather. "It doesn't look like many of the owners are here," Mom said. "Are you sure that boy and his parents are?" "I think so," I said, praying they were. Vivian was standing in the doorway when we reached Just Girls. "Thank you so much for coming, Ann," she said opening her arms and giving Mom a hug. "I thought I was going to have to cover everything myself. The plastic protectors are in boxes in the back. One sheet will cover half a rack. I can't tell you how afraid I am the snow will damage the roof like it did a few years ago. A third of our inventory h inventory was ruined and the insurance company didn't want to cover the loss. They claimed it was an act of God." Vivian turned to me.. "Hi Alex," she said. "What a surprise. How are you? "Hi, Mrs. Carmalari," I said. "You look so pretty in that dress," she went on. "That's one of ours isn't it. Ann, we really should consider using Alex as a model for some of our ads. I would pay her of course." "I suppose we can discuss that, later," Mom said taking off her coat, Turning to face me she mouthed the word NO." "Mom I need to get going," I said. Vivian looked confused. "You're not here to help your mother?" "Actually, she's here to see someone, Viv," Mom winked. "Ooohh. That explains the dress. Got it," Vivian said, her face animated with sudden understanding. "Go ahead, honey," she said to me. "Your mother and I have this." "Do you have your phone?" Mom asked as I turned to go. "It's in the pocket of my parka," I said,wanting to get away, embarrassed that now everyone knew what I was up to. "Keep it switched on. If we finish before you get back I'll need to call you.. I want to be home before the weather turns bad and we still have to shop for batteries and canned goods.' "Okay Mom." "Bye I said. Officially breaking off the exchange, I set off to find Ian. My heart began to race as I closed in on Head Games, not because of any exertion getting there, but because I wasn't sure what was happening. I was diving into something way over my head. My experience with Austin had been a disaster. So why was I trying this again ? I wasn't sure, All I knew was that something about Ian attracted me, so strongly, I had to do this. I stopped just short of the store. I could see lights on inside, unlike many of the shops on either side whose interiors were dark. Commandeering a display window, I studied my reflection, checking my dress and sweater, and then smoothing my hair with my hand. As I tweaked my appearance, I thought about how to make my entrance. I would say I'd stopped off at the mall with my Mom ( true). And I happened to be walking around to kill time while she helped her boss with some stuff (mostly true). And I just happened to be passing by Head Gamers when I saw he was here (kinda true - I mean I didn't know for sure if he was here ). All of the above sounded totally plausible. but what then? What did I say after that? Why should I have to say anything, I asked as I tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. Wasn't that the guy's job. Weren't they supposed to take the initiative. Yeah, but what if he didn't? What if he just stood there completely missing his cue? As badly as I wanted to see Ian so much I could feel physical pain, I could sense doubt creeping in. The last thing I wanted was to find myself standing in of Head Gamers stuttering like an idiot. "What are you talking about?" said Daredevil Alex, appearing out of nowhere. "Yesterday the only things he had eyes for was you. He begged you to come back last night. And don't you remember his pick up line. He asked if you were looking for anything special, like a boyfriend. He's going to be all over you." Thinking back to yesterday, I smiled. I was pretty sure Ian would be as excited to see me was I was to see him. Feeling confidence return, I checked my reflection a final time and then took a breath. It was now do or die. Ian was covering the large magazine rack in the rear of the store with plastic. His back was to me, and I took the opportunity to watch him work, savoring that easy flow of movement I loved about him. I would have been happy to stay where I was, content to follow his body's motions as he moved around forever, but that wasn't part of the game plan. I had to go in. Inside the store the air felt electric. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest as I waited for him to turn around. When he didn't I wanted to scream. It was maddening watching him ease the plastic over the magazines. totally unaware I was there. Losing patience I took a step forward. "Want some help?" I asked, struggling to keep the waver out of my voice. Ian stopped working and turned around, his mouth dropping open in surprise. His left hand moved up to adjust his glasses as if he wasn't sure what he was seeing "Alex?" Hearing him say my name filled me with relief. He remembered me, But why shouldn't he. We'd hit it off yesterday. He jammed his hands in the back pocket of his jeans and smiled weakly. "What are you doing here?" I hesitated. This wasn't in the script. "I couldn't come last night, cause... you know some stuff came up so my Mom's boss called and asked... uh, my Mom to help get ready for the storm today and so I...uh tagged along," I was babbling, the words gushing. out running together. "Great," he said, without enthusiasm, his smile faltering. "Did you... uh... need something?" Need something!!! The question sent me reeling. I couldn't think of an answer. There wasn't one. I wanted to turn and run and not look back. A girl, maybe a year older than me and a little taller, came out of the back room. She she had long, thick brown hair and was dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt she'd tied just above her waist. "Hi," she said waking past me to where where Ian stood. She slipped an arm around his waist then kissed him lightly on the lips. "Your mom wants to know how close you are to done," she said. "I just need to finish this and we're good," Ian said. The girl glanced at me and back to Ian. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend ?" she asked. "Sorry," Ian said. "Molly this is Alex. She's into comics and possibly gaming. Alex, this is my girlfriend, Molly." "Nice to meet you, Alex," said Molly, still clinging to Ian. "Yeah," I said, "same here." "You didn't tell me what you needed, Alex," Ian said. "Oh,yeah, that." I jammed my hands in my coat pockets to hide my clinched fists. I wondered if I looked as dumb as I felt. "I uh...came to see if I could get a deck of those cards you showed me...you know... with the storm coming...I thought... it would give me something to do... if we get snowed in... "Sure," Ian said. "They're over here," He started toward to glass counter." "The problem is though," I added, "my mom rushed me out of the house so fast, I forgot to bring my money." "Oh," Ian said, "that's too bad." "Yeah. I'll come back...uh... next week maybe... and get them then," I said. "I...I gotta go." I spun away from them just before hot tears filled my eyes. I forced myself to walk out of Head Gamers. Then the moment I was out of their sigh, I broke into a run. Mom didn't say anything when I dragged myself into Just Girls a few minutes later, though I was sure she and Vivian saw the tear tracks on my cheeks. Mom scurried around, straightening the plastic covering the clothes that didn't need straightening, while Vivian lost herself in alphabetizing already alphabetized invoices. I was grateful for them pretending not to notice the obvious. I felt stupid, and hurt and the last thing I wanted was my mother and Mrs. Carmalari asking questions. Like the biggest dumb fuck ever, I'd completely misread Ian's intentions. All I wanted to do now was find a hole to bury myself in. I could never show my face at Head Gamers again, maybe not even the mall. "I can finish Ann, if you and Alex want to go," Vivian said after a polite amount of time passed. "I know you still have to stop and pick up some things. You don't want to wait until SuperSaver is sold out." I knew Mrs. Carmalari, was giving Mom an excuse to take me home. They had barely covered half the clothes racks with plastic but I needed to get away from the mall and be by myself. "Are you sure Vivian?" Mom asked. "I'm sure," Vivian said, "Alex needs you more than I do." "Do you want to talk about it?" Mom asked, as I settled into my seat. "He had a girlfriend Momma," I sobbed. "I thought he liked me. Yesterday we had so much fun talking and..and...everything. I even wore this stupid dress for him...but when he saw me...today... he acted like.. like... I was some dumb kid. He...he... asked me what I...I wanted." "Honey, you're being too hard on yourself. This was your first experience with a boy. It's understandable how you could misinterpret things." "I hate boys," I cried, sobbing harder. "I'm never going to look at another boy again." "It's part of growing up," said my mother patting my leg with her hand. "You'll fall in love a dozen more times before you're even eighteen." "I didn't fall in love, Mother," I said. "I was simply interested in someone only they weren't interested in me." "Well, this someone seems to have hurt you enough to make you cry." "He didn't do anything. It was me. All of it was my fault." I dabbed at my eyes with a tissue. "Can we drop this, ple