How I Became The Baddest Girl In Clarksville Part 8 The Low Spark Of High Heel Girls free porn video

How I became the Baddest Girl in Clarksville Part 8 The Low Spark of High Heel Girls -Slow Breeze of the Restart Week- I was sitting in the cafeteria with my new "friends," Chrissy Allen, Robin Trujillo and Randi Carr. I put "friends" in parenthesis because that's kind of how it was. I knew their names from gym class. They were three of the popular girls who sat on the opposite side of the bleachers from the rest of us. Until today, I hadn't paid much attention to them. They were too far out of my league. The fact I was having lunch with them was one more way things had changed since the dance. If I'd known about the newly acquired fame, my weekend might have been better. But thanks to Shelly (and my mother's inability to let things go), it sucked. Mom barged in the house early Saturday morning, furious because we weren't where she'd deposited us. After a lecture on how worried she'd been when she got the calls we were missing, she hustled us into our clothes and into the car. Then she drove us to pick up our stuff and apologize to our hosts. We stopped at Nathan's first. I watched through the car window as Mom marched Tyler in the direction of the front door. A few minutes later Mom and Tyler reappeared with Nathan's mother added to the mix. The two women stood on the front steps talking while Tyler stomped to the car lugging his overnight bag, his face an angry red. "How'd it go?" I asked as my brother slid into the front seat. "Just lovely. Everything's a fucking peach." He spat, glaring at me over the seat before turning around to become a study of morose despair. My stop was next. I knew Mom expected me to apologize to Shelly though I hadn't done anything to deserve it. All of this was because of my now ex-best friend. She should be the one to apologize. Mrs, Gartman stood in the doorway when we pulled up. It was cold out and she wasn't wearing a coat. It was like she knew exactly when we'd arrive. I 'd gotten that feeling from her before, that she knew things. The thought creeped me out. "I washed the clothes you left in the hamper, dear," she told me, ushering us inside. "You'll find them folded on the bed in your room." My room? I didn't have a room. Not here. Not anymore. I wasn't sure I wanted one. "Apologize to Shelly and then get your clothes," Mom told me, her voice stern. "We still have to drive to Pine Grove." "Yes ma'am" I bit back what I really wanted to say. As I moved in on Shelly's room, I could hear my now ex-BFF stomping around behind the closed door. From the banging inside, it appeared Shelly wasn't having the greatest of days herself. I rapped on the door. The noise stopped. "Shelly. It's me, Alex. Can I come in?" "Go away, traitor." "But I wanted to say--" "I said go away!" "Fine! I yelled back, backing away from the door. I couldn't get my things and get out fast enough. Mom and Ms. Gartman were talking quietly when I returned loaded down with my things. "Did you apologize to Shelly?" Mom asked. "I tired but she told me to go away." "Well you still have something you need to say to Mrs. Gartman." I took a breath. "I'm sorry for the trouble I caused," Mrs. Gartman hurried over to wrap me in a hug. "Oh. Baby, you don't have anything to apologize for." She looked at Mom. "Did Alex tell you what the argument was about?" "No, we still have to discuss that." "Well the fight was over a boy." She laughed. "I think our girls are growing up. Noticing boys I mean." Mom's eyes widened. "Really," she said glancing at me. "It's not what you think, Mom," I said. "Was the boy Nathan Chandler by any chance?" Mom asked, ignoring my protest. "Austin Myers," said Mrs. Gartman. "His father is Corban Myers. Corban is the new owner of Clarksville Fertilizer." The statement rocked me. I had to clench my jaw to keep it from dropping and hitting the floor. The plant had been a cover for the Rat Pack's genetic experiments. Did the new owner know the plant's history? And if the father knew, did the son? If he did, with the rumors traveling around the school, it would be easy for Austin to figure things out. Suddenly I felt dizzy. I stumbled, reaching out for something to brace myself against. "Are you all right dear?" Mrs. Gartman's face swam into view as my vision cleared. She and Mom were supporting me. "Yeah, I just got dizzy for a minute that's all," I said shaking off the idea the Myers were knew anything. Austin was too interested in me as a girl. "I don't feel too good," I added. "I would think not, walking all that way in the cold last night," said Mrs Gartman. Mom frowned. "Should I take you back home, Alex? If you don't feel well I'm not sure you should visit with your father. You certainly don't need to infect him with anything." "I'm fine Mom. I'm tired that's all. I didn't sleep well I'll rest up in the car " "You're sure?" "Yes, Mother." Mom paused weighing my words, and then turned to Mrs. Gartman "Thank you for everything Sandra," she said taking Mrs. Gartman's hand. "Anytime, Ann. I'm happy to do it." The drive to Pine Grove seemed endless. Tyler slumped in the front seat in a pathetic heap, punctuating the silence with long sighs until I wanted to slap him. Mom remained tight-lipped, exuding an air of spent worry and exasperation so thick it was tactile. With all the gloom filling the car, even the thought of seeing Dad couldn't excite me. It was like drowning in a sea of hopeless. I tired stretching out in the back seat, but that just magnified the jolts and knocks each time Mom rolled across the potholes littering the road. Finally, I hauled myself up in defeat and propped my head against the window pressing my cheek against the glass doing my best to zombie trance. My phone bleeped. I worked it out of my pocket and leaned forward so my body blocked the glare through the windows. The text was from Austin. He was going out of town with his dad and wouldn't be back until Wednesday. I slipped the phone back into my pocket wondering how he got my number. I'd shared it with Abby, Brett, and my ex-best friend Shelly. My big mouth brother had it. But how did Austin get it? Then I remembered. I'd given it to him the day he'd given me his mother's ring. I pulled my legs onto the seat and wrapped my arms around my shins. Though it was my fault, Austin having my number bugged me. I was also pissed he hadn't told me his dad owned Clarksville Fertilizer. But why should he? If he didn't know my secret then he wouldn't know my connection with the plant. The best course was not to mention it . I felt depressed. Things were getting complicated again. Gazing out the window, I waited for the ride to end. After we dropped Tyler off at the motel I was reintroduced Pine Grove. Unlike Clarksville with its mall and modern storefronts Pine Grove seemed backward and mean. The buildings spread out before us were worn brick with flat roofs and plate glass windows in need of cleaning. It surprised me how little I remembered of the place though it shouldn't have. Pine Grove was unremarkable in everyway. The only thing it had going for it was its function as the county seat. Mom slowed and steered the car onto a street I recognized. Sure enough, I spotted the turn off to the place where Alex was "born." I braced myself for the shock when it came into view. "Where are you going?" I blurted out when she blew past our turn. Mom took her eyes off the road long enough to glance at me. "What are you talking about Alex? We're going to the hospital. See there it is." She pointed to a distant building towering over its squat, square companions. If I squinted, I could make out the words. "Pine Grove Municipal Hospital" spelled out in silver letters across the top. This wasn't the place I remembered at all. But Pine Grove was way too small to support two hospitals. Something else was going on. . I started to ask her about it then decided no. The past was past. It was better to leave it that way. Pine Grove Municipal Hospital was an anomaly of soft lighting and polished marble floors. Elevators rose and descended with silky smoothness with everything sealed in a glass fa?ade. Standing on the third floor, across from my dad's room, I scoured the township through the floor to ceiling windows for the building that birthed me; the one I'd assumed was a hospital. I was still searching when the nurse informed us we could see Dad. As I followed Mom into Dad's room, I wondered if I'd imagined it all. Seeing my dad made me both happy and sad. Though he was in good spirits I was alarmed at the bruises on his face and arms. A cast covered his left forearm and tape, thickly wound, peeped from beneath his pajama top I told him the dance had been fun and that Shelly and I had a great time. Mom sat back and smiled through the lie. When it was time to go. I gave my father a kiss on the cheek and then followed Mom down to the car. I sat in the front seat, the warm sun pouring though the windshield filling me with a kind of joy. Even though it hurt to see his bruises, visiting my Dad was something I'd needed. The fact Tyler made excuses not to come along made it even sweeter. "I just can't imagine you letting a boy come between you and Shelly." Mom said catching me off guard. "You've never shown any interest in boys before. What made this one so different?" "I don't know (Not true, I did know). He needed some one to dance with. (Sort of true) And I was curious what it was like. You know dancing with a boy (not)." Mom took her eyes off the road to glance at me. "Really. Are you sure that's all it was?" "Yes Mother, we danced that was all. Actually he did all the dancing and I just followed. We didn't even kiss. I didn't know Shelly would get mad or I wouldn't have done it." Suspicion faded from her face. She smiled. "We all make mistakes. I should be happy you're beginning to fit in with other people your age. I was afraid you 'd end up an old maid." "Yeah, I'm fitting in," I said too low for Mom to hear. "And life is a fucking peach." Saturday's memories faded like a black and white movie. I forced myself to focus on the Debs. All around me other girls stole curious glances at me smiling when I caught their eye. But the smiles were wistful, melancholy things. They were outside looking in. I thought about my former life. As John, I had a handful of friends, all of them by circumstance. The only thing binding us together was that no one else wanted to hang out with us. To compensate, I built my world around comic books. The comics allowed me to live vicariously through the characters that filled the pages. But what I was experiencing now wasn't out of a comic book. It was real. I was being \offered a chance to be part of the hub, the fad makers, the ones everybody else tried to imitate. All I had to do was say yes. I glanced at Randi. She wore the same smile as this morning, as if it hadn't left her face since we'd been apart. She was obviously pleased. But she would be. She'd been the one that started it all. This is the way it began. -I Don't Really Hate You- I was hurrying down the stretch of sidewalk to the gym, my breath creating clouds of white frost, as I huffed along, clutching a late slip. I wanted to spend Monday in Pine Grove so we could go home as a family when the hospital released Dad later that day. When I suggested it to Mom Sunday night, she fired off a half dozen reasons why that wasn't going to happen. She would drive us to school Monday morning. She needed to check in with Vivian at Just Girls anyway. Then she would drive back to Pine Grove to sign Dad's release papers. They should be home shortly after the bus dropped us off from school. What no one anticipated was the rush of unseasonable Artic air that swept down during the night. The freezing temperature carried a mix of rain and sleet leaving dangerous ice patches on the roads. The next morning Mom was forced to drive even slower that her normal ten miles under the speed limit, Tyler moaned and griped the entire way making the drive seem even longer. When we arrived, an hour after the first bell, he refused to get out of the car. I left him arguing with Mom. I was late enough. Second period was already in session when I picked up my late slip. That meant a trek through the cold to the gym. As I stepped out of the main building the wind whipped past my face threatening to snatch the hood of my parka off my head. All around me ice patches gleamed brightly, like sunshine on the placid surface of a lake. I jammed my hands into my pockets, wishing I'd brought gloves. "Cold huh" said a voice from behind. I turned to see a thin girl with thick dark hair clutching her own late slip, coming my way. She sidled up beside me. scooting so close I thought we would rub shoulders. She was wearing a blue Rip Tide parka over a skirt and tights "It's crazy fucking freezing dude," she said. " Our street was completely iced over this morning. We had to wait for the salt truck before we could get out. Half the school is late today " "The weather channel said it's a cold front. From the Artic or something," I said trying to recall where I'd seen this girl. Then I remembered. She was one of the "clique girls" the ones that kept to themselves at gym. "I like your coat," she said. "You get it from Just Girls?" I glanced at my parka. It was the same as hers only lavender instead of blue. "Yeah, my mom works there." "She does! That's awesome." The conversation stalled. We walked the rest of the way to the gym focusing on trying not to freeze. "This feels sooooooo goooooooddddd," said the girl as we slipped out of the cold together. She opened her arms, pretending to hug the warmer air. "Thank God for central heat." "Alex, right?" she asked targeting me again. "Huh? Oh, yeah. How'd you know?" She laughed. "Everybody that was at the freshman dance knows who you are. You're kind of a celebrity. Oh, I'm Randi Carr." She extended a hand. "Nice to meet you," I said, taking hers in mine. "Take a seat girls," said Coach Wiggins noticing our arrival. " Gotta go," said Randi, placing a foot on the bottom step of the bleacher. She started up the steps then paused. "Hey, why don't we get together for lunch today. I have some friends who want to meet you. We'll be at the first table on the left as you enter the cafeteria. Uh...unless you have other plans." I glanced up to where I normally sat with Shelly. My now ex-BFF was planted there and had piled her books in the space that would have been mine, her version of an unwelcome sign. "Lunch sounds good," I said feeling anger build. "Then, I'll see you there?" "Sure." "Tetras and Carr," Coach Wiggins barked. "You have exactly thirty seconds to get your butts planted. Move it!" "See you at lunch," Randi laughed. I watched her bound up the steps, turning back to wave before plopping down next to the other clique girls. Then I began my own climb toward the empty top tier and away from Shelly. Randi's invitation to have lunch was all I could think about third period. The group Randi hung with was mostly upperclassmen. I wasn't sure how well I'd fare surrounded by girls older than myself. But to stand them up would mean blowing a chance to show Shelly I could do fine on my own. Shelly wanted to hurt me and she'd done a good job of it. But if she thought I couldn't get along without her she was wrong. I imagined of how shocked Shelly, Brett and, Abby would be when they saw me sitting with the popular girls. Shelly wasn't going to make up unless I ditched Austin, which probably required a proclamation in front of the entire school. But as devious as he'd been getting me to dance with him, he wasn't the troll she made him out to be. Actually he was a nice guy. But what fucking business was it of hers, anyway? As much as I wanted my old friend back I was done with her trying to run my life. If she couldn't accept the fact I could make my own decisions then "tough titty said the kitty". The stupid rhyme stuck in my head and I giggled. Mr. Lambert paused halfway though the formula he was scribbling on the board and glared at me. "Is there something funny you would like to share with the class Miss Tetras?" "No Si--" The lunch bell rang saving me from having to stammer an excuse. I slipped into the rush of students stampeding toward the door and let them sweep me into the hall. I decided to stop by my locker to drop off my books. I could have carried them into the cafeteria in my backpack but I wanted time to make a final decision about lunch with Randi. As I began to weave though the oncoming traffic Shelly and my former posse of Brett and Abby appeared. Sighting me, Shelly's expression changed from interest in the conversation she was having to disgust and hatred. "Bitch." She mouthed the word but there was no mistaking what she said. Brett and Abby looked away suddenly taken with dull colored walls on the opposite side of the hallway. "Fuck you." I yelled at their receding forms. "Fuck all of you." Tears stung my eyes. Forgetting my locker I charged toward the lunchroom pushing past students not moving fast enough to satisfy me. I would show Shelly. I would show all of them. Randi was waiting for me at the lunchroom doors. "Is something wrong?" she asked looking me over. "Just a rude girl," I said. "I shouldn't let things like that get to me." "I know what you mean," Randi said, leading the way to the serving line. "I have people say rude things to me sometimes. It's mostly because they're jealous. But hey, there are trendsetters and then there are the muggles. You're either one or the other." "Muggles?" "Yeah you know like in Harry Potter. The Muggles were the ones that weren't wizards. They lived dull boring lives while the wizards had all the fun. Which would you like to be?" "Uh... a wizard, I guess." She grinned. "You don't sound very sure. Yuk... can you believe this!" She pointed to a tray of cheeseburgers wrapped in tinfoil, today's entr?e. "You might as well eat rat poison. It'll have the same effect on your body." She reached to the shelf above the burgers to the green salads and put one on her tray. "Thank god for these." Passing up the heavenly smelling burgers, I selected a salad too. As much as I wanted a cheeseburger, I wasn't up to arguing with my possibly new friend before we even got to know each other. We paid the cashier and then I followed my new friend to a nearby table where two older girls, dressed the same as Randi, in skirts and tights, were seated. They were also having salads. Randi took a seat opposite two girls and motioned for me to sit next to her. "Alex I'd like for you to meet Robin Trujillo and Crissy Allen." She said scooting her chair forward. "Chrissy and Robin this is the girl I was telling you about, Alex Tetras." "Nice to meet you," I said placing my salad on the table and taking a seat. "Yeah, sure," said Crissy, a bleached blonde and the oldest in the group. No one spoke. Randi and Robin watched as Chrissy speared radish slices with her fork and then popped them in her mouth. I began to wonder what was going on. Finally after she eaten half a dozen slices, Crissy lowered her fork. "I suppose you're wondering why we invited you today." Chrissy said, her eyes trained on me like shotgun barrels. "I thought Randi was being nice?" I said, Robin and Crissy giggled. I squirmed in my chair. I'd obviously given a wrong answer. A part of me wanted to get up and leave. Then I noticed Shelly, sitting two tables over, out of the corner of my eye. She was watching I settled back into my seat. "Eh,,,Why don't you tell me, then," I said praying I sounded cooler than I felt. Chrissy's mouth formed something akin to the sharp curved blade of scythe. "I've got this," said Robin to the older girl. Crissy's wicked smile flattened. "Fine," she said. She began to spear more radishes. "We want you to join the Debs," said Robin. "Well most of us." She flicked an annoyed look at Crissy. "We need some new blood, freshmen. and when we heard how you handled yourself at the dance. Well..... here you are." "The Debs? Wasn't that a movie?" I asked. "Yeah, but that was D.E.B.S. Our Debs is short for "Debutante. What do you say? Interested?" "We're very selective of who we ask," Randi added. She was perched on the edge of her chair eager to hear my answer. "I don't know. I'm not into coming out parties." This was going in the wrong direction. "That's not what we're about." Randi said, " We're about being cute and having fun. You're into that aren't you? I mean what girl isn't." "If she don't want to, she don't want to," Chrissy said poking at her salad, not looking at us. " Cut the shit Chrissy," Robin snapped. "Look Alex, give us a chance. Or would you rather hang out with the nerds I see you with all the time." 'We're waiiitttttiting," said Chrissy, still hovering over her salad like a vulture waiting for its meal to quit twitching. "Come on," Randi urged, "you know you want to." I glanced at Shelly. She was deep into something with Abby and Brett, all of them waving their arms and laughing. She must have felt my eyes on her because she looked my way. Then in one surprising and uncharacteristic motion, she flipped me off. "I'm in," I said fighting down my urge to scream curses at her. "Oh goody" Chrissy said, showing about as much emotion as a wooden Indian. "There are a few rules you need to know. Rule number one, Debs hang with Debs. Rule number two..." She paused letting her eyes settle on my high tops and jeans/ "Debs dress like girls, not boys. We have a reputation to keep up. Rule number three Debs support each other. If one of us is having a sleepover or party the other Debs are expected to show up. No excuses. Got it?" I nodded. "Here," a thin gold chain dangled from her fingers, "put this on " I took the chain and hunted for the clasp. There wasn't one. "Just slip it on," She said. "Never mind I'll do it." She took the chain and pressing my fingers together worked it over my hand onto my wrist. "The chain stays put, got it?" I nodded again "Good. Now it's official. As long as you have that chain you're a Deb." "Tomorrow you sit with us at gym," said Randi. "It's going to be soooo cool." The bell rang. I left the cafeteria with the thin chain shimmering on my wrist wondering if this was going to be as much fun as Randi thought. -We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful- I burst through the front door with my right arm stretched out in front of me, the gold chain around my wrist shining brightly. "Tyler where are you? You've got to see this." "Don't shout." Tyler slumped on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around him. His head poked out like some insect emerging from a cocoon. He had the TV on but no sound. He flicked his eyes my way long enough to register my entrance then he returned to whatever it was he was staring at, maybe a speck on the wall. :Wow! You really are sick," I said slipping out of my backpack. "I thought you were faking." "More than you know," he said, his voice as colorless as a ghost. "Well, you better take something. Mom's not going to let you skip school two days in a row." "It's not physical," he said. "It's mental. I don't want to be here anymore. I stared at my brother and his haunted eyes stared back at me. "What are you talking about? I asked, easing onto the couch beside him. "You're not planning on killing your self." "Don't be stupid." He shifted positions so our eyes were level." What I'm saying is I can't go back to school. Not in Clarksville anyway. Not after what happened at the dance. That's why I decided to move back to Sacramento." I blinked, not believing what I heard. "Tyler, you're making a big deal over nothing. First, nobody cares about you and Brooke. Give it a couple of days and nobody is going to even remember what happened. Besides. You're fourteen. How are you going to move back home?" "People do care. I'm not like you, Alex. I WAS somebody. I was popular. Now it's all fucked up. I can't stay here." "So genius," I said, irked at Tyler's low opinion of me. "How do you plan to make this happen. Inquiring minds want to know." "I'm going to move in with Uncle Walt." "Uncle Walt!" An icy feeling began inching up my spine. "He went to prison for like twenty years. For selling human embryos or some creepy shit." Similar to my father, Walter held a doctorate in Bio Chemist. He and Dad had gone to the same university. Where they differed was Walter had no problem breaking laws if he thought he could profit. "It wasn't embryos it was a genetically enhanced sperm. He was using stem cells." "It doesn't matter we're still supposed to stay away from him. Remember the pictures." Dad had found them in Walter's room after my Grandmother's funeral. Three photo albums in a bottom drawer, all of them of me, naked. He'd taken them through a peephole in the wall hidden behind a dresser. If Walter hadn't already been serving his sentence, he probably would have done time for child pornography. Dad wanted to nail him for the porn adding even more time to his sentence. What stopped him was dragging me into things. Both he and Mom were afraid it would scar me even more. "He apologized for the porn," Tyler said. "How do you know? Did you find a letter or something?" Tyler smiled coldly. "I talked to him this morning." This was crazy. Walter was in prison. "How--?" I began when I managed to speak again "Facebook," Tyler said cutting me off. "He won his appeal and he's home. He's working for the school system back home as an interim science teacher. He fills in for teachers on maternity leave and stuff. Anyway I sent him a friend request and he wrote me back." This was great. All the school system needed was my pedophile uncle in a classroom with young kids. Worse still all I need was Walter free and making trouble. "Tyler this is crazy. What's he doing on Facebook anyway trying to attract young boys?" "He put up a facebook page because he's looking for another research job. He thought it would be a good way to put himself out there. I was messing around on the computer and found him." "This is still crazy. The only thing about you Walter might care about is your dick. All you're going to do is get Mom upset." "What if he does? It's my dick not yours. As for Mom, she'll get over it. Besides what choice do I have? Uncle Walt is my only way out of Clarksville. It's not like Dad has any brothers or sisters. Where else could I stay?" "Uh... Here, with your family." "Uh...I've already explained why that's not an option." "Oh yeah, you got embarrassed by a girl. I forgot." "Do you want to hear the rest of this or not," Tyler said looking annoyed/ "Fine, tell me the rest." "He agreed to let me stay with him." "You didn't tell him where we are did you? He's not coming here." "If you're worried about your precious secret, don't," Tyler said almost too quickly. "He didn't ask about you other than to say he was sorry about the pictures. Yes, he knows we're in Clarksville but he's not coming here. I'm going to him." "How are you going to do that?" My brother was taking crazy. "Hitchhike? You're fourteen Tyler. You wouldn't make it as far as Pine Grove before the police stopped you and brought you home." "I'm taking the bus. A ticket to Sacramento cost $160.00. I checked." "What are you going to use for money?" He lowered his eyes. "I was hoping you'd loan me the money. You have twice that much in the bank from where you sold your comic books." "I don't know Tyler," I said. "I need time to think about this." "I'm good for the money if that's what's bothering you." "It's not the money. It's... this is a bad idea. Walter never cared about either of us before, so why now?" "I told you, He's changed. Anyway, I need to know by tonight. I'm going whether you loan me the money or not." Turning away, he pointed the remote at the television and cranked up the sound. I took that to mean our conversation was over. I spent the rest of the afternoon in my room, trying to forget about Walter by giving it a mental makeover. I wanted to redo my bedroom since the sleepover with Abby. Her room was so cool. Besides, I expected a visit from the "clique girls" sometime soon and I didn't want the same reaction I got from Shelly. I decided I'd paint the walls in either a soft blue or lavender instead of the ugly tan they were now. I would change the color of my bed from natural mahogany to white with a couple of coats of enamel and then add matching curtains. Finally, I'd swap the desk Dad had picked up at the army surplus store for something slim and modern. The only pricey item would be my desk and I had enough money for a modestly priced one. I could do everything else with paint and fabric. I felt a tinge of excitement as I scribbled down the materials I needed to do the job. I put my list aside to present to my parents. I'd ask Mom if we could get the paint and fabric for drapes over the weekend. Mom pulled into the driveway at ten minutes to six. When I rushed out to meet them Mom stopped me. "No hugs, Alex," she warned. "You father's not healed." Dad leaned as far as he could out of the car and pulled me to him. He slipped his arms around me and kissed me on the cheek. The gesture was heavenly. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. My daddy was home. Mom helped Dad out of the car leaving Tyler and me to get the bags and the bucket of chicken she'd picked up for supper. She helped Dad into the house while Tyler grabbed the bags and I scooped up the chicken and fixings Just before we reached the door Tyler pulled me aside. "Are you going to help me?" "Huh?" "What we talked about. MEEEE going back to Sacramento. I asked you for bus fare. You said you needed time to think." "Why can't you just get over it? The world's not ending because you and Brooke broke up. Besides, I don't want to want to lie to Mom and Dad when you go missing." "I knew I couldn't count on you. Goddamn sissy bitch. Just fucking forget it!" Lurching away, he lumbered into the house. Supper should have been a celebration for me. My parents chatted nonstop their faces bright. I could see Mom relieved to have Dad home and my father seemed in good spirits to be home. He joked between bites of chicken and spoonfuls of potato salad. The spoiler was my brother. His kept his eyes locked on me through the entire meal, bathing me in a glare of hate. After dinner, I volunteered to clean up. Mom flashed me a grateful smile as she helped Dad out of his chair. I washed the dishes, put away the leftovers and then helped Mom make up the bed in the small guest room on the bottom floor. Dad wasn't well enough to climb the stairs to my parent's room so he would have to sleep there. After I kissed my dad good night, I headed up stairs. Tomorrow, I'd be hanging with my new "friends" and I needed a couple of things to insure I fit in. My first stop was Mom's room. My mother never threw anything away and that included makeup she bought but never wore. I knew from previous forays she kept the rejects in the bottom drawer of her dresser. A quick peep revealed a baggy with a dozen tubes of lipstick tucked toward the back. Judging how they'd been pushed to the rear I doubted she would even miss them. I chose two shades I could live with, a rose pink and a muted red and slipped them into my pocket. On the way back to my room I paused outside Tyler's door. Something was bothering me I needed to take care of. A small pool of light spilled from underneath the door across the carpet. He was still up. I rapped softly. "Tyler, can we talk?" I heard a grumble. "Yeah. I guess." I opened the door. He was sitting on his bed playing Angry Birds on his I-pad "What?" he barked, shifting to one side to make room for me. "Look, I said planting myself beside him, "I've been thinking. Maybe I should help you." His mouth formed something between a smile and a sneer. I wasn't sure which. "Why now? Aren't you afraid Uncle Walt will find out about your little secret." He paused. Some of the hardness softened around his eyes and jaw. "Look, don't sweat it, okay? I don't hate you for not helping. I'll find the money somewhere else." "No, I want to help." He studied me, his eyes searching mine. I held his gaze without flinching. "You're fucking serious aren't you," he said. "Why?" I stretched out my arm so the gold chain dangled in front of him. "So you got a new bracelet. Is that supposed to mean something?" "I joined the Debs." Tyler took on a look of admiration. "Way to go little sister." "I did it because of Shelly. I didn't want to look like a loser. Like I didn't have any friends." "I don't understand? Being a Deb is way cooler than hanging out with a bunch of nerds. You act like you traded down." "I'm not a Deb. I mean I am but I'm not like them. They like make-up and eat nothing but salad. I don't. Or I didn't. I guess I do now. Anyway, I'm only doing it because I'm afraid if I don't, people will talk about me." Tyler was silent. I could tell he was thinking about what I said. "Anyway, when I saw how I was making myself onto something I'm not... just to be a part of something I don't give a fuck about... well... I realized that's all you're doing too. Besides you're my brother. I should have your back." We sat saying nothing. It was like we'd both dried up our emotional wells. "I guess I need to go," I said rising to my feet. "Let me know if you need money. Okay. See you tomorrow." "Tomorrow, yeah," he said walking me to the door. I heard it close gently behind me. On the way back to my room, I felt good about my decision to help my brother but I couldn't help wondering how it would all play out in the end. -Mother Nature Goes to Heaven- I wanted to make a statement. Actually I wanted to create an earthshaking, thunder booming, worlds colliding, in your face moment and all of it for the benefit of my ex-BFF Shelly. Shelly was the hurt that wouldn't quit. Maybe I'd get over it eventually but that day was a long way off. In the mean time I wanted to hurt back. I wanted her to experience the same callous rejection I felt from her. That's why I joined the Debs. I wanted to show Shelly, Brett, and Abby not only could I make other friends, I could be part of the "clique." If it meant wearing lipstick, fine. I would've worn a tutu and an Indian war bonnet if that were what it took. It was a classic case of the end justifying the means. Mom stared at me wide -eyed when I appeared at the bottom of the stairs the next morning. I was wearing the punk girl skirt with the spiked belt I wore to the mall. I matched it up with black tights and a matching a black tee over a long sleeve purple one. I finished up my look with my pink hi-tops. The gold chain displayed on my wrist. "You're wearing a skirt?" "Yeah. What's wrong with that?" I said, trying to sound casual. The truth was skirts still made me uncomfortably aware of my new gender. "I mean it's cold outside," Mom said. "But if you don't mind freezing..." "Is Tyler up?" I asked wanting to change the subject. "I don't want to be late for the bus. Sarge doesn't wait. If you're not at the bus stop he drives past." "Lower you voice," Mom warned. "Your father was up late last night. I don't want you waking him. I'm sure Tyler will be down in a moment." As if on cue my brother came bounding down the stairs. I noticed he wore a huge grin as he blew past on his way to the kitchen. He was pouring a bowl of cereal when I entered moments later. "We'll you're a happy camper," I said taking the box of Wheat Flakes from him and pouring a bowl for myself. "Let's just say things are in motion," he said. "Want to clue me in?" He grinned wider. "You can keep your money, I'm staying here. Brooke wants to get back together with me." "What! And you said fine." I shook my head. "Hell, yeah. First she's the prettiest girl at school. Second her Dad is loaded. Third I'm top dog again. No talk, no worries." "Did you at least think to ask why she had this change of heart?' "She said she missed me. She acted out of anger at the dance and she was sorry." "Uh... that was all." Brooke was like Uncle Walt. She never did anything unless there was something in it for her. Tyler squirmed under my gaze. "Okay, she might have mentioned something about you having lunch with the Debs. But I don't give a fuck, okay/ I wanted my girlfriend back and I got her back. That's all I care about." "Fine. Just be careful okay. I mean she hurt you once. She could do it--" "Can we not talk about it. You're going to ruin it for me. Besides we need to go. We'll miss our bus." Mom was right about skirts and cold weather. Even the tights didn't help. The walk to the bus stop was like wading through ice. Worse, Sarge was almost ten minutes late. When the old curmudgeon did arrive my legs were so brittle and numb I could barely lift them high enough to step onto the bus. I made a promise that if it were cold tomorrow and I wore skirt, it would be over jeans. The good thing was I didn't have to worry about my uncle now that Tyler and Brooke were a couple again. I might have to deal with him one day but for now it wasn't an issue. Once again I'd dodged the bullet but it was reminder just how fragile my new identity was. The slightest misstep could be disastrous not just for me, but also for my family. With Walter off my mind, my thoughts turned to Austin. He would be back tomorrow. I hadn't seen him since the dance. That night he'd tried to caress my neck with his lips. I'd pulled away scared and confused. But what if I hadn't? Would I have lost myself in the moment? I imagined Austin holding me in his arms, leaning forward, his lips descending toward my own slightly parted ones, ready to receive my first kiss-- NOOOO! I screamed the word in my mind as I tore my way free of the fantasy/. My body jerked, my elbow striking Tyler sitting next to me. He snatched his headphones off and stared at me, his eyes wild. "Dude. What the fuck???" "Sorry," I said He slipped his headphones back on and returned to gazing out the window of the bus. I settled into my seat wondering what it would be like to be kissed, but too afraid to find out. I met two new "Debs" at lunch, Selma Vinton and Edith Nguyen. Selma had thick auburn hair she wore shoulder length and hazel eyes. Freckles so pale they were scarcely noticeable dotted her cheeks and arms. Like me She was a transplant. She'd grown up in Atlanta and moved to Clarksville three years ago. "I juussst luhooove your skirt, Ah-lex," she said. The words unwound with a kind of laziness that made me think of honeysuckle and lazy blue skies. I wondered if she ate grits for breakfast. "Don't you Edith." Edith Nguyen's dark eyes peeped through Epicanthic folds. It was impossible to guess what she was thinking. "Yeah cool," she said through full lips. She brushed a hand over her luscious dark hair that fell to the small of her back. She was small like me though her skin was a shade darker. "We're so happy to have you join our little group," Selma continued. " I mean you were so beautiful dancing with that boy at the social. At least that's what Randi said, Anyway I told the girls then, "we need to make that Tetras girl a Deb--and well, here you are," She smiled. "Are you done boring us?" Crissy asked from two seats down. Selma made a pouty face but stayed quiet. "I guess she is." Chrissy continued. "I'm having a party Saturday and I want all of you to come. It's going to be a mixer so you need to bring a date. Can you handle that Alex?" "Of course she can," Randi cut in before I could reply. "You're bringing Austin, right. I mean you guys are seeing each other." The earlier fears of Austin lips seeking mine, caressing my body, swirled around in my head screaming like banshees. I felt panicky and afraid. "Uh...he's out of town and I don't know when he's coming back." "I'm not surprised you don't have a date," said Crissy. "Anybody else have a date problem besides our little Alex? No? It's settled then. Alex will just have to be a wallflower. I'll post the time and directions to my Dad's country club on my facebook. The club has an indoor pool so bring swimwear. The bell sounded. I pushed back my chair and grabbed my tray when Chrissy came up beside me. "You've probably guessed I'm not you're biggest fan," she said. "If I had my way you'd still be hanging out with those nerds I used to see you with. But, I was outvoted." "What's your point," I said. "As long as you act like a Deb I got no problem. But if you embarrass us in any fucking way, then I'm going to be one big fucking problem for you. Got that." "Is that all," I said. " I'm going to be late for class." "No, there's one more thing. Wear a decent dress to my party. You look like a damn whore." I was still pissed at Crissy's remark when the last bell rang. On the bus ride home I asked myself why I was doing this. My plan to use the Debs to get back a Shelly was turning out to be a dud. Where we shared first period together before, now she worked in the office, delivering announcements over the PA, only showing up the last fifteen minutes of class to drop off assignments or pick up new ones. Second period I sat with the Debs, on the opposite side of the gym. So far away Shelly was barely visible. I doubted she had a clue who I sat with. It was like giving the finger to a blind person. I could wave it in their face all I wanted but they would never see it. If Shelly did see what was happening she wasn't rising to the bait. For all I knew she was laughing at my feeorts, placing bets with Brett on how far I'd go with the girly-girl stuff. I was forced to share a seat with my brother and Nathan on the bus ride home. Though they had made up during the day, Nathan felt compelled to apologize several times more on the way to his stop. "I'm sorry Dude. I mean you're my best friend. I only did it because ...well... I'm always doing shit before I think." "Will you let it go," Tyler snarled. " I'm trying to fucking forget it happened. Okay?!" "Yeah, sure." Nathan looked around, first at the ceiling of the bus, then at Sarge before finally settling on me. "You look really pretty today, Alex," he said his eyes shiny as a puppy's. "Thanks," I half mumbled. "You look nice too." "Really!" He inched closer. "I've got to study," I said sliding to the edge of the seat. I swung my feet into the aisle so my back was to him while I pretended to dig through my backpack. After a moment he and Tyler were talking again. I shifted around to get the cramp out of my leg but kept eyes on the literature book in my lap. I didn't relax until Nathan got off at his stop. When I got home I found my dad seated on the couch. Papers were spread in a neat row across the coffee table. "Hi, Precious," he said inching himself to his feet, his movement slow and careful. A grimace flashed across his face. Then it was gone. He took a step toward me and grimaced again. I hurried over to spare him more painful steps. He put his arms around me.. His lips brushed my forehead. I felt a surge of joy. There were times John's ghost still roamed the backrooms of my mind reminding me of what I'd lost. Sometimes I wanted it back. It was a lot easier being a boy than a girl. But when my dad held me in his arms, when I was around him and saw the way he looked at me with the pride fathers only bestow on their daughters, I was glad I was a girl I didn't want to be anything else. "What's all the stuff on the coffee table?" I asked. "Work," he said. "Since I can't go to the plant they sent the plant to me. He chuckled and the sound pricked my heart. I loved him so much. I thought I might cry. "I love you Daddy," I said. He cocked his head, studying me. For a moment I was afraid things had reversed back to before. Then he smiled. "I love you too precious. Would you help me back to the couch? I have to get back to work." "Sure Daddy." I slipped my arm around him. It seemed small and thin compared to his. I could barely reach across his back. But I was cool with this. It was as it should be. After I got Dad settled I went up to my room, I found Tyler waiting for me when I got there. He was sitting on my bed flipping through one of the girly magazines Shelly dumped on me during her feminize Alex campaign. "How can you read this crap?" he asked looking up. I propped my backpack against a corner if my desk then pulled out the chair and turned it to face my brother. "Some of the stuff's pretty good, " I said tucking my skirt under me before dropping into my seat. "There's an interview with Bruno Mars in that issue." He shrugged tossing the magazine to the side. "I need a favor," he said. "Another one?" "It doesn't involve money or Uncle Walt." "What does it involve?" I asked. Nothing was ever simple or easy with Tyler. "Crissy Allen is having a party, right." "Yeah, on Saturday." "I want you to take me an Brooke as guests." I gave my brother a long look. He might as well have asked me to give him the keys to Fort Knox (if there were keys). "Let's see. First it's a Debs party ...for Debs and their dates. So...even if I were going and I'm probably not ... I couldn't take you. But even if I could wouldn't take Brooke." "You have to go," Tyler said coolly. "Debs have to go to Debs stuff. That's part of being a Deb." "How the hell do you know all that?" "Because, my dear sister, I make it a point to know things." "Then you know I can't take just anybody." "I'm not anybody, I'm your brother. Besides, if we're with you no one is going to kick us out. They may be pissed you brought us but that's as far as it will go." "Do you really want to be at a party where you're not welcome? Even you can't possibly have fun like that." Tyler leaned back on his elbows and faked a yawn. "I 'm not going for me. This is something Brooke wants." "Well you're going to have to figure out some other way. I told you I'm not going. Actually, I'm thinking of quitting the Debs. They're a bunch of fakes. They want to make me one. I was stupid to get involved.? Tyler shifted to a sitting position. He looked at me coolly. ?I told you this is for Brooke and I plan on delivering. I?m not going to lose her again. So, dear sister, you will attend and you will bring guests.? ?And if I don?t?? ?Then I get back in touch with Uncle Walt. Imagine how interested he?ll be to learn I have a sister now.? I leapt to my feet. ?That?s it. I?m telling Mom.? Tyler leaned back on the bed a lazy look in his eyes. ?Go ahead. But you might want to consider what it?s going to do to Dahh-dy. Do you really want to stress him out like that. You know how he feels about Mom?s brother.? Just the mention of Walter?s name would probably kill my Dad as weak as he was. . I dropped back into my chair. ?Fine. You win. ? Tyler stood and took a moment to stretch his arms. ?That feels good,? he said. ?I?ll give Brooke the news. I?m sure she?ll want to thank you.? ?Tell her not to bother,? I said. ?You know, for a little while I thought you?d changed. I was wrong. You?re still an asshole.? ?Make sure you don?t do anything stupid between now and Saturday or you?ll see just what an asshole I can be. Nice talking to you.? He seemed to slither out the door. -Bring Your Daughter To the Slaughter- Another school day meant another fashion decision. I chose my denim skirt along with another long-sleeved tee. This time I wore it under a low cut peasant blouse. I finished things off with tights and my high tops. Studying myself in the mirror I was pleased with the overall look. It wasn?t as over the top as yesterday but carried enough nonconformity I could live with it. Facing my brother at breakfast was another matter. I found him at the table chomping noisily on cereal from a bowl in front of him. He lowered his spoon when I entered and swallowed hard. ?Don?t say a fucking word,? I warned before he could open his mouth. I walked around the opposite side of the table to the cabinet where Mom kept the cereal. Standing on tiptoe I took hold of the knob and opened the doors. I groaned. The cereal box was on the top shelf. I jumped and made a grab for the box. My hand didn?t come close. I heard I placed my left hand on the counter pushing hard when I jumped the second time. This only gained me a few extra inches. The cereal was still out of reach. I sighed knowing I?d have to get a chair. ?I can get that for you,? Tyler said. ?I can do it myself!? ?No you can?t,? he said, pushing past. With a causal motion he reached up and took the box off the shelf. ?Here.? He handed the box to me and then took his place back at the table. I set the cereal on the counter counting silently to ten as I fetched a bowl and spoon. Once again my asshole brother proved he was superior. It was things like this that made me hate being a girl. Depression settled over me like an old gray blanket worn and tattered. I shook it off refusing to go there. Tyler was not going to win. I finished fixing my cereal then took my seat across from the twerp. ?Look, I know you?re pissed about last night,? he said. I glared at him. ?How did you guess.? ?What I?m trying to say,? he continued, ?is I don?t want things to be like before. You know? .? ?You mean when you were a total bully, like with the baseball.? ?Yeah, I was a real prick.? ?Here?s a news flash,? I said. ?You?re still are.? ?Goddamnit, Alex! Will you let me fucking finish before you dump on me!? He paused to take a sip of juice. For a moment he held the glass staring at the yellow-orange liquid. Finally he sat the glass almost lovingly on the table. His eyes were soulful when he looked at me again. ?I know it?s got to be hard being?. being like that.? He made a vague gesture toward me with his hand. ?You mean being a girl,? I said dryly. ?Yeah, that. But you?ve totally rocked it. I mean dude, you?re a fucking Deb now. Do you know how many girls would love to be in your place? All of them.? ?What?s your point.? ?If it had happened to me, I couldn?t have done that. I?m... I?m not as tough as you..? I could tell by his expression he meant it. ?I don?t understand. You force me to take you to a Deb party and then tell me how great I am? You?re going to have to do better than that.? ?I told you I?m not as tough as you. I need Brooke in a way you can?t understand. I know she?s using me so I have to use you. But if I can give her things no one else can then she?ll stick around.? Tyler stopped to take a breath. ?Do you remember the other night when you came to my room. You told me you?d changed your mind about lending me money to go to Uncle Walt. You said you understood sometimes we did things, not because we wanted to but because we have to. Like you joining the Debs. Crissy?s party is like that. I didn?t want to force you to help me but I had to.? He sighed and looked down at his cereal. ?I?m not doing it to hurt you.? ?So what?s going to stop you next time you need me to do something I don?t want to do?? He shrugged. ?Maybe it won?t come up.? ?But if it does?? I was sure Brooke would make happen. ?I don?t know, maybe nothing.? I had enough of his crazy circular logic. The spoonful of cereal in my mouth tasted like cardboard. ?I?m leaving,? I said pushing my bowl away and grabbing up my backpack. ?Hey, you didn?t clean up,? Tyler called behind me. ?If you?re so fucking concerned about things, you do it.? I wasn?t sure if the weather was milder today or if my anger insulated me from the cold. I didn?t notice the temperature at all. The bus appeared just as I reached the corner. The doors swished open. I stepped on. Sarge frowned down at me from the drivers seat. I heard the clump of Tyler?s feet on the metal steps behind me. He was breathing hard. I guessed he had to run the entire length of our street. Good. It served the sonofabitch right. I found an empty seat and placed my book bag between the aisle and myself. Tyler must have gotten the message because he walked past to settle down somewhere behind me. Up front the transmission screamed as Sarge forced the bus into gear without using the clutch. The bus bucked, shuddered and then we were off. I paid little attention to the goings on around me, other kids climbed aboard their feet tap, tapping on the metal floor as they found places to sit. I was more concerned with my own feelings. Last night and this morning had left me feeling vulnerable. I hated it when Tyler had to do things for me. Physically females were the weakest creatures on earth. We were at the mercy of men. Tyler would grow up to be and do anything he wanted. I would grow up dependent on men to protect me from men. It wasn?t fucking fair. A shadow fell across me. I looked up to see Nathan staring back. ?You don?t mind do you?? he asked moving my backpack to the floor before I could answer. He eased onto the seat beside me. ?Shouldn?t you be sitting with Tyler.? The last thing I wanted was a fucking boy annoying me. ?I don?t think we?re really friends anymore,? Nathan said. ?Fine.? I crossed my arms. ?Sit here. I can?t fucking stop you.? ?I don?t know why I bother,? he said, rising to his feet. He made his way to the back of the bus but not before I saw the hurt in his eyes. I felt a fleeting moment of victory. Like Tyler and Shelly, I could cause pain too. The feeling soon cooled, congealing into shame. Nathan was one of the good guys; maybe the only one in the drama that was my life. I knew I should invite him back but I wouldn?t. Instead I placed my backpack next to me to discourage anyone else from sitting there. This was going to be one shitty day. I was one of the first ones off when Sarge pulled up to the bus ramp. I hurried across the quad putting as much distance between myself and the other students as I could. I didn?t want conversation. I didn?t want companionship. I wanted to be left alone. I paused in the lobby to decide if I wanted to fool with lipstick. The other Debs wore it everyday. If I went without it would attract attention, something I didn?t want. I set out for the girls bathroom like yesterday. I found the place empty. The stall doors were arranged in a precise open position. The porcelain bowls gleamed like white jewels. A strong odor of pine mixed with disinfectant hovered in the air. For no particular reason, I chose the center mirror and studied my reflection. The girl in the mirror looked back at me out of large blue eyes. Her blond hair glowed softly under the fluorescents. I examined the face that looked back at me, considering the gentle curve of the jaw, the eyes filled with inquisitiveness, the small upturned nose with its sprinkling of freckles. There was no trace of John here, only the girl with hair the color of sun kissed honey. The first bell sounded prodding me into motion. I had ten minutes before the second bell and three more before the last. I bent down and fished a hand into the outside pocket of my backpack for the lipstick. I quickly applied it finishing the job by dabbing a paper towel to my lips to even things out. A final glance in the mirror showed the job passable. I stashed the lipstick back in its pocket and slung my backpack over my shoulder. I still had to visit my locker before class. A note waited for me when I got there. The message printed on an index card was taped to my locker door. It read: Turn around slowly. You need to look behind you. The scrape of a shoe on tile froze my movements. My first thought was Brooke Simmons. I hadn?t seen her since the dance. She?d been pissed then. But I was her ticket to Crissy?s Deb party. She wouldn?t do anything to jeopardize that. That left Shelly. She?s been pushing for a fight. But if that bitch thought she could pull some kind of shit, I?d give her the fight of her life.. I heard the whisper of a sigh. Whoever it was, grew impatient. I slipped off my backpack. Dangling it from one hand, I pretended to undo the top flap with the other. I counted off a few seconds choreographing what I intended to do in my mind. Then hoping I timed things right. I grabbed the straps of my backpack with both hands Spinning clockwise, I slung my makeshift weapon out and around. A dozen heart shaped balloons floated toward the ceiling as a surprised Austin let go of their tethers to dodge backwards. My book bag whizzed past his face before flying out of my grip to go skidding across the floor. He looked at me then gazed longing at the balloons bobbing merrily just below the ceiling, softly buffeted by the heat from the air ducts. ?I don?t even know why I try,? he said. I thought of Nathan who?d said something similar on the bus. ?Sorry,? I said, ?I?m guessing those were for me.? ?I think I can get them down if I can find a chair.? The ribbons dangled just out of reach. ?I?ll get one,? I said remembering several folding chairs leaning by the door to the office. ?If you?ll grab my back pack.? I carried the chair back to where Austin waited. He took it and handed me by backpack, ?You know, you need a license for this. It?s a deadly weapon.? ?If you hadn?t fucking put that creepy note on my locker I wouldn?t have tried to attack you. I didn?t know wh?? ?Here,? he said stepping down from the chair handing me the balloons. ?I couldn?t decide on balloons or roses so I combined them.? The silver balloons were heart shaped. Each one bore the image of a red rose in bloom. ?Uh? thanks. I guess.? I wasn?t feeling particularly girly and the balloons made the moment even more awkward. ?You?re welcome?I guess.? Austin frowned. Tiny creases appeared around his mouth and eyes. ?I?m sorry. I shouldn?t have said that. Look, Alex/, Can?t you accept at least one thing from me without having to analyze why.? ?I don?t know,? I said. ?We barely know each other.? Austin sighed. ?What else do you need to know,? he said his voice filled with exasperation. ?I?m a nice guy.? He grinned. ?I?m a good dancer.? Unable to help myself, I smiled. ?See there,? he said, ?made you to turn that frown upside down? ?Could you be a little more corny,? I said. ?Could you be a little more difficult,? he shot back. ?Look Alex, I know you like me ?so?see you at lunch today?? ?I?m supposed to have lunch with some other people, today.? ?Oh.? Some of the light left his eyes. He collapsed the folding chair and tucked it under his arm. ?I?ll put this back. See you around.? ?Austin wait,? I called after him. But if he heard me he didn?t answer. He just kept walking. I found myself standing alone holding the balloons. Other students streamed past all of them directing curious stares my way. I began moving toward my locker weaving between the flow of bodies until I worked my way out of the press. The stupid note still dangled where Austin taped it. I ripped it off. Crushing it in my hand I flung it to the floor where I stomped it with my foot. I glanced at its crumpled paper body complete with a black grid pattern, complements of the sole of my converse. I?d murdered the index card but I was really angry with myself. I still didn?t know how to act around boys. I hadn?t done too well with girls either. I?d made enemies with one of the most powerful girls at school. My best friend hated me. I was in over my head with the Debs and would probably be drummed out of their clique by the weekend. Showing up at Crissy?s with two party crashers guaranteed that. One thing I could do was make up with Austin. Even as I considered this I questioned why I?d want to. Austin was the cause of all my problems. If he hadn?t shown up that day at my locker, Shelly and I would still be friends. Tyler wouldn?t be holding a threat over my head and I wouldn?t be wearing a stupid skirt to please a bunch of girls I was beginning to despise. The ribbons holding the balloons tugged at my hand. I glimpse at the bouquet of inflated colored foil to insure none had escaped. They were all there. The balloons reminded me how much of a romantic Austin was. He tried so hard to please me and all I did was throw it back in his face. Thinking about it now, I felt like a real bitch. He might have caused some of the shit over the last few days but he hadn?t meant to. Actually Shelly was as much at fault as anyone. I wondered if I should give Austin a chance. I decided I would. This time I wouldn?t wimp out. I was still unraveling things when the tardy bell rang. My books were still in my locker and I couldn?t go to class without them. I worked the combination as rapidly as I could. If I could make it to first block without getting caught in the halls, I might be able to talk Ms. Boyd out of marking me tardy. I popped my locker open and shoved my books into my backpack not bothering to arrange them. Then I slammed my locker closed, ready to make a mad dash for class when I found myself face to face with Mr. Backes. ?Well, well,? he said rocking back on his heels. ?If it isn?t Alex Tetras. The last time I checked Miss Tetras visiting your locker after the tardy bell is a violation of the student code of conduct. ? ?Yes sir, I know its just?? ?And what are those? Balloons? I?ll take those, please.? I unwound the ribbons from my hand and passed them to him. ?The student handbook specifically states that balloons, boxes of candy, birthday gifts, stuffed animals and anything else not related to academics must be checked in at the front desk and remain there until the end of the school day.? ?I?? ?I?m seeing too much of you outside the classroom, Tetras. I think it?s time to administer some consequences. Follow me, please.? ?Where are we going?? I asked, struggling to keep up with his long strides. ?I?m assigning you one day of in-school suspension.? ?Retract.? My heart sank. ?I believe that?s another name for it.? ?But I can?t. Not today.? I needed to see Austin. I needed to fix things.. Mr. Backes turned and faced me, his features stern. ?You can and you will Miss Tetras. Understand?? I lowered my eyes. ?Yes sir.? ?Good. This way please.? Retract was located at the end of the senior hall. Not the most welcome of places for freshmen. I trotted behind Mr., Backes as he strode briskly down the hallway, a man on a mission. Our tromp ended at a closed door. An inkjet printed sign tapped over the small inset of a window proclaimed: RETRACT NO TALKING Mr, Jolly Despite his name, Mr. Jolly wasn?t jolly at all. A baldheaded fat man, he kept a permanent frown on his face that fit nicely with his tiny piggy eyes and pug nose. He had a chronic case of clogged throat he cleared every few minutes. While I waited for Jolly to do the paperwork I scoped things out. The room appeared slightly smaller than the others in the school. The windows were covered over blocking out any view of the outside. Kiosks with sides tall as a privacy fence replaced desks. Four students, all boys, were scattered around. All of them worked intently from blue folders. Mr. Jolly finished the paperwork. He shoved it aside with one piggy hand as a blue folder appeared in the other from somewhere behind the desk. He shoved the folder at me. ?Tetras is it?? ?Tet-ra,? I corrected. ?No ?s?.? ?Whatever,? He paused for another throat clearing harrumph. ?This is your first time here so you need to be aware of the rules. No talking, no texting, no sleeping. You have until the end of the day to copy the assignment in the blue folder. If you complete it in a satisfactory manner, your retract session is over. If not, you come back tomorrow to complete the unfinished material. Don?t ask to go to the water fountain or the bathroom. You get a five-minute break at 10:00 and another at lunch after the other students clear out of the lunchroom.? He g