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Summer Secrets By Varian Milagro http://varianm.blogspot.com/ Chapter 27 On Monday I decided to tell Patricia about Daniel. Now that Jill knew I could think of no reason not to tell her. She'd been through this before so perhaps she would have some sympathy. While she had sympathy her answer was not the one I wanted to hear. "I agree with Jill," she said. "You have to tell him or stop seeing him. He'll find out eventually and if he finds out on his own he may become violent. It would be easiest to simply tell him you don't want to be his girlfriend, but if you do decide to tell him the truth you should be in a safe place in case he has a strong negative reaction." "It's not fair." "I know sweetie, trust me I know." The salon was busy that week, which helped to distract me while I tried make up my mind about Daniel. During the day it was painting nails and washing customer's hairs and at night it was playing my guitar or listening to music in my room. In the end there was only one viable option for me. I knew that if I kept seeing him he'd discover the truth and I wasn't ready to let everyone know that Stacy was actually a boy, so to protect one lie I'd tell another. I was going to tell him that I didn't want to be his girlfriend any more. That night Daniel and Mark showed up at Cindy's a little after Jill and I arrived. I was tuning my guitar and he came over to give me a kiss. I let him kiss me, but I did not put much into it from my end. He gave me a concerned look. When we had our break I headed inside with the others and got into a conversation with Jill. I wanted to wait until the end of the evening to break the news to Daniel and in the meantime I felt that I would be a lying tease if I continued to show him affection while I knew what was coming soon. I dreaded the deed and wished that practice would never end. Unfortunately it did and after I loaded my guitar into Jill's car I told Daniel I wanted to talk to him. I led him around the house to Cindy's back yard. "Daniel I really like you and I've had an awesome time the last couple weeks, but I think we should stick to being friends for now." "What?" he asked with a look of shock his face. "Did I do something wrong? Whatever it is I'm sorry." "It's nothing you did. I'm just not ready for a boyfriend. I think you're great and I like doing things together, but I just want to be friends." "Please don't do this Stacy," he pleaded, tears in his eyes. Seeing him cry made me lose it. "I'm so sorry," I choked out through the tears. I ran to the front of the house and found Jill by her car. She got in the car as soon as she saw me. She tried to console me on the way home, but I wouldn't look at her. When I got home I took my pills and then went straight to bed. I was depressed all day on Thursday. My mom tried to find out what was bothering me on the way to the salon. I told her I was bummed because summer would be over in three weeks. I don't think she bought the story, but she stopped asking me what was wrong. Heidi and Luanne could also tell something was wrong. I told them the same lie I'd told my mom. Later in the day Patricia got me alone and she hugged me and told me that I had done the right thing while I cried in her arms. I didn't sleep over at Cindy's on Friday night. I decided to stay at home. I didn't want to be around the other girls while they talked all night about their boyfriends. I stayed in my room all night, listening to music and hugging my teddy bear. In the morning my mom drove me downtown so I could catch a small ferry that I'd ride across the inlet that separated Port Orchard from Bremerton. Jill was meeting me on the other side and would give me a ride to Cindy's. My mom had resisted the idea at first, since I'd be alone on the ferry. I assured her that I wouldn't get into any trouble during the twenty minute ride. Neither Mark nor Daniel was at practice on Saturday. I was happy and sad at the same time. It would've been awkward if Daniel had shown up, but I desperately wanted to see his face at the same time. Scott told us the he had lined up another gig. It was this Saturday at the Eagles club in my home town of Port Orchard. It was a community summer party of some sort and there had been a last minute cancellation or something. I barely paid attention to his words; I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. My guitar playing sucked that day, but everyone knew that Daniel and I had split so they didn't give me much grief. That night Brenda wanted to hit another party and this time Jill wanted to go as well. I didn't want to go with them. Keggers on the beach had a tendency to get raided by the police and that was the last thing I needed. Cindy's parents were out for the night and Jill wasn't comfortable leaving me alone. "Why don't I drive you to the ferry?" Jill said. "Your mom can pick you up on the other end." "Can I just stay here? I won't get into any trouble, I promise. I'm going to watch some TV and then go to bed." Jill mulled it over for a minute and then said, "Okay, but don't tell your mom or Grandma that I let you stay here by yourself." I promised to keep it a secret. Thirty minutes later they took off and I had the house to myself. At first I just sat in Cindy's room and moped. I thought about painting my nails, but I lacked the energy. I played my guitar for awhile, but even that was an effort. I made my way to the television, but its inane babble irritated me. Finally after a couple hours alone I decided to take a bath. I normally showered and I could not remember the last time I'd taken a bath, but I'd overheard lots of ladies at the salon go on and on about the virtues of a great bubble bath. Since I had the house to myself I figured it was safe enough. I found some bubble bath soap under the bathroom sink and I poured myself a tub. It felt pretty nice at first, but it also once again exposed my inadequate body. I piled up a bunch of bubbles on my chest and imagined that I had real breasts under the bubbles. I lightly cupped my bubble breasts and tried to imagine what they would feel like if they were real. I slid my hands under the water and with one hand I pulled my junk forward and ran the other along the flat skin left behind. I wondered what it would be like to have a real vagina. I squeezed my penis in anger until the pain forced me to stop. I wanted to grab a knife from the kitchen and cut the stupid thing off. With that thought I decided that the bath was becoming counter- productive. I dried myself and pulled on my nightgown before taking my pills and heading to my sleeping bag. It was still light outside, but I could no longer face the day. I did not sleep for a long time, but I eventually did. I do not know how long I was asleep before being awoken by a drunken Cindy stepping on me as she made her way to her bed. I was able to get back to sleep once the three girls finally stopped laughing their head off. Sunday's practice started off better than Saturday's, but went downhill pretty quickly after lunch. Daniel and Mark were no shows for the first half, but Mark showed up just after lunch. He sat next to Troy and glared at me. After about three songs he decided that the evil eye wasn't enough. "You know you really hurt my little brother," he said to me in between songs. I just stared at him. I did not know what to do or say. Mark stood. "He really liked you and you treated him like shit." "Leave her alone, Mark," Jill said as she set down her guitar. "Why should I? The bitch toyed with him and broke his heart." Jill rushed past me and got in Mark's face. "You have no idea what she has been through. Now back off or leave." "Don't tell me what to do." Mark said. Troy stood and put a hand on Mark's shoulder. "Talk a hike, Mark." Mark glared at Troy for a moment, but then turned and left the garage. The sound of his tires squealing as his tore out of the driveway followed a minute later. We tried to continue practice, but after Mark's scene no one was really into it so we ended early. Jill handed out photos that Daniel had taken at the roller rink and ones that she'd taken at the beach. After that she drove me home. I tried to thank her for standing up for me, but she didn't want to talk about it. Chapter 28 I was in a better mood at the salon the next day. I still missed Daniel and felt horrible for hurting him, but I decided to stop sulking and punishing everyone around me. The ladies were happy to see the change in my attitude. Heidi even let me help her roll a perm. During Heidi's lunch Patricia quizzed me for any changes to my body in either direction. I hadn't noticed any so she said I should go to a whole pill of each. During that week at the salon it occurred to me that I could do it for real someday. I loved helping make the ladies prettier there was certain kind of nurturing in it that satisfied me. Even a simple task such as escorting a lady to one of the domed hair dryers gave me pleasure. I could be a beautician until I started making a living playing my guitar. It was during Wednesday's practice while Scott and Brenda talked about Saturday's gig that I started to panic. The gig was going to be at the Eagles club in my town, Port Orchard. There was nothing to do in my town for anyone under 21; a band playing rock and roll at the Eagles club would surely draw high school and middle school kids. Kids I knew as Gary. No one had figured out that I was really a guy yet, but I'd also stayed away from my home town as much as possible. I feared that people who knew me as Gary would figure out who Stacy really was. It hadn't taken Jill very long to figure it out. She'd said it was because she had seen me with my Mom and it clicked. My mom was going to be at the Eagles club, along with Heidi, Luanne and Patricia. My mom had even invited Gloria and Jerry. When they found out that they could finally see us perform they all wanted to join us. It was a disaster just waiting to happen. On Friday Luanne helped me paint musical symbols on my fingers. First I painted all my nails white and then in black she painted the symbols while referencing some sheet music I'd provided. On my thumbs were treble and clef symbols. On my right hand were a series of notes; quarter, eighth, 16th and 32nd. On my left were the complimentary rests. I really wished I could wear my nails long. Not only would they look really cool, but it would allow a lot more room for designs. Unfortunately, there was no way I could play my guitar with long fingernails. Cindy wasn't able to get permission for a practice on Friday and since the gig was only a couple miles from where I lived I went home with my mom that night. "Mom, do you think there is any way I could go to school as Stacy this year?" I asked while we ate dinner. "Is it so bad being Gary?" she asked. "You seemed to be fine with it a couple months ago." "Being Gary was okay I guess, but it's nothing like being Stacy," I said as I played with my food. "It's like I'd been eating plain oatmeal for breakfast everyday and then one day someone gave me a taste of bacon. The taste was so different from what I'd known that I wasn't sure that I liked it. But it grew on me quickly and then I loved it and I can't stand the thought of going back to boring oatmeal again. Does that make sense?" "You could call yourself Stacy, but you would be registered as Gary so everyone would know the truth. You'd be teased and maybe even be beaten up if you went to high school dressed as a girl with people knowing you're really a boy." "What if I went to a different school, one where they don't know Gary?" "You would still have to register as Gary. That's the name on your birth certificate." "Oh," I said dejectedly. With nothing else to do the rest of Friday night or most of Saturday I spent my time worrying about being on stage in a dress in front of people who knew me. The rest of the time was occupied with my continued sadness over my lack of love life and my ever growing hatred for my body. I did take a couple breaks from my wallowing to practice walking in my boots. My mom gave me some tips that helped out quite a bit. I started getting ready for the evenings gig in the late afternoon. I started out by using a curling iron on my hair to give it a full wavy look. I went with the dramatic, heavy makeup before getting into my dress and boots. Once I was done I showed myself to my mom and she did an actual double take when I entered the room. "You look wonderful, Stacy," she said to me. She looked me up and down. "I'm having a hard time processing that this beautiful woman before me is my child." "Thanks, Mom." There was a neat tingly feeling in my chest. "I have something that will go great with your outfit," she said before disappearing into her bedroom. She appeared a moment later holding a dark golden chain that held a medallion with a large, oval onyx in its center. It looked kind of Egyptian. She put the chain around my neck and the medallion settled between my breasts. "Thanks Mom," I said as I hugged her. With the boots I was finally taller than my mom. When we arrived at the Eagles lodge the others had already arrived and were hauling gear into the building. I hugged my mom goodbye, she was going back home and would be back for the show. I grabbed my guitar and stand and walked into the building. As I approached the stage I saw Daniel set the bass drum on the stage and then turn towards me. It hadn't occurred to me that he would be present. I found that I had stopped walking and I stared at him as he walked towards me. He took the stand out of my hand and gave me a weak smile. "Hi," he said. 'Hi...look I...." I stopped talking; if I continued I'd start crying. "I'm just here to setup. I won't hang around and bother you after that." I grabbed his arm. "You don't have to go. I would rather have you here...I mean if you want to stay that is." He smiled again; this time it looked to be generated by joy instead of by awkwardness. The smile was short lived. "Yeah, okay I might stick around." I followed Daniel to the stage and set my guitar on its stand and then I helped carry in some of the lighter stuff from Scott's van. After I helped Scott hook up all the equipment to our sound board I tuned my guitar and then the whole band did a couple sound checks. There was a room behind the main hall that had been setup for us. It had a couple couches and some pop and water set out on a small table. We had a bunch of time to kill before the show actually started. Mark and Troy hung out with us, but Daniel was nowhere to be seen. People started arriving an hour later. I could hear them talking in the main room. There were a bunch of activities lined up for the evening and we were the last event of the night. We'd been invited to join in, but the girls weren't interested since they were satisfied just hanging, talking and smoking with their boyfriends. I was bored and struggled to breathe in the smoky air. I was tempted to leave the room, but I feared running into a former classmate and being discovered. It was a long several hours. When show time arrived and we took to the stage I kept my head down and focused on not tripping in my platform boots. I could not see the crowd through my hair curtain, but it sounded like a hundred people were in the room now. I picked up my guitar and dared a peek at the audience. I pulled my hair away from my right eye and realized that I was short on my estimate of the crowd size. It looked more like two hundred people, maybe more. Tables, chairs and decorations had been added to the room while we'd been hiding in the back. Most of the people were sitting at tables or milling around near them. There was a large empty section just in front of the stage that looked like it was intended to be a dance floor. As I scanned the crowd I found several familiar faces. My mom, Heidi, Luanne, Patricia, Gloria, Jerry, and Jill's parents all sat at the same table in the back corner near the entrance. There were others I recognized in the crowd, kids from school, but none that I knew really well, not that I knew a lot of people really well, but these people weren't even "Hi" friends. I relaxed a little. Most of those kids probable wouldn't recognize me even if I were dressed in boy clothes. I didn't see Daniel and that bummed me quite a bit. A middle aged man with a crew cut and dressed in a suit and tie walked on stage. He grabbed Jill's microphone off her stand and addressed the crowd. "I hope everyone has had a good time tonight," he said. "Before I introduce the musical entertainment for the evening I would like to remind everyone of a few rules..." The rest of his words were drowned out as panic seized me. Just as the man had begun talking a guy near my age walked into the hall. At first I thought it was Daniel, but to my horror I realized that it was Nick. I quickly looked away, but within a second I looked back. I tracked him as he walked along the back of the room and then found an empty seat near the back wall. He hadn't seen my mom and he didn't seem to be looking at me. He looked bored. I looked away again. I struggled to breathe as my vision narrowed and my heart pounded in my ears. I thought I was going to pass out. I forced myself to take deep breathes; if I fainted it would just bring more attention to myself. "...so without further to due I would like to introduce tonight's band," The man was reading from a three by five card. "On the drums is Scott Donaldson, a recent graduate from Westmore high school." He paused while Scott waved to the crowd. "On keyboards is Brenda Richards who is a senior at Westmore along with Jill Philips on bass guitar and Cindy Holder on rhythm guitar." He paused again as all three girls waved at the crowd. "And on lead guitar is Princess Stacy." I shot a nasty look at Brenda. She smiled at me. "Princess Stacy? Is that a stage name?" The man asked me. I shrugged. "Where do you go to school, Stacy?" "I don't to school right now since it's still summer," I said. "Fair enough. Ladies and Gentleman, Honey Club." He put Jill's microphone back in its holder and then walked off stage "As the man said we are Honey Club," Brenda said into her microphone. "And this is what we say to 'The Man' and his rules." She covered her microphone and whispered to the rest of us. Scott started clapping his sticks as he shouted, "one, two, three, four." We launched into our version of "Smokin' in the Boy's Room". Brenda sang the lyrics with a devilish delight. We only had one set tonight, but instead of playing 45 minutes we were playing for a full hour straight through. We had to cut a couple songs and we rearranged the order on a couple others. I was thankful that "Wild Thing" was one of the songs we'd cut. Now that I'd broken up with Daniel I'd probably start crying if I tried to sing that song. I had a set list taped to my microphone stand so that I wouldn't forget the song order. Brenda changing the order on the fly made it more confusing, but I didn't make any mistakes. Midway through our second song, Santana's "Evil Ways", I saw Daniel enter the room with Jill's camera around his neck. My heart leapt in my chest at the sight of him. He walked toward the same side of the room as Nick. If I wanted to look at Daniel I'd have to look toward Nick. I kept my hair in my face for the most part, but I couldn't stop stealing glances at Daniel and Nick every few minutes. I played all the solos like I'd originally learned them. With Nick in the crowd I was too nervous to try and make up music on the fly. About halfway through our set we launched into "Sunshine of Your Love". As I finished the solo I saw Nick get up and leave the room. I breathed a sigh relief. The rest of the concert went great. People had left their tables and were standing on the dance floor watching us play, many moving to the music, all cheering whenever we finished a song. We played "Mississippi Queen" last and really stretched out the song. I don't know how long we would have played, but eventually the man who introduced us started giving us the "cut" sign so we wrapped it up. The man ran onto the stage as we were leaving and told everyone to have a safe drive home. Chapter 29 We went back to our room behind the stage and waited for the crowd to clear. After about twenty minutes we gathered up our things and walked back out to the main room to break down our gear. There were still a couple people milling around, but most had either gone or were headed to the exits. My mom, Jill's parents and the others were not at their table. They were probably waiting outside, enjoying the warm August evening while they smoked. Daniel stood on the far side of the room with his brother and Troy. I hopped off the stage and walked to him. He saw me, broke away from his brother and headed my way. I felt a hand on my shoulder followed by an all too familiar voice. "You were really great up there," Nick said. I'm not sure where he'd come from; one minute he wasn't there and the next he was right beside me. "You're an amazing guitar player and you look pretty hot too." "Umm...thanks." Daniel glared at Nick and then me. He walked past us to the stage, probably thinking that Nick was the reason I'd dumped him. "You know I have a friend that plays guitar too. He's just about as good as you are," Nick said as he studied my face. "He's shorter than you, but without those boots I bet you two would be the same height. He has long blonde hair too, but not as beautiful as yours, of course." "I'm glad you liked the show, but I need to help the others break down." "Just give me another minute." He grabbed my arm. "See the thing about my friend is that he's really great at playing songs exactly how the original artist played them and I do mean exactly." "That's groovy, he sounds like a great guy." I yanked my arm free. "I'd love to meet him sometime." "That's pretty funny, Gary." I felt the blood drain from my face. "My name is Stacy." I turned to leave. "Does your band know that you're a guy?" I looked to the stage where Scott, Brenda and Cindy were unhooking equipment. The tunnel vision returned as I processed Nick's thinly veiled threat. I turned back to him. "What do you want, Nick?" "Holy fuck it is you," he said triumphantly. "God damn! When I heard you play the "Sunshine of Your Love" solo exactly as Clapton plays it on my bootleg tape I thought maybe that it was you, but...holy shit! Man, you always were a little weird, but I had no idea how fucking screwed up you really are." "Please don't say anything. I took the fall for you, I got into so much trouble so you wouldn't go to jail, please just leave and don't say anything and we can call it even." "If I'd known you were such a sicko I'd have never let you hang out with me." "Is everything alright, Stacy?" Daniel asked from behind me. "Is this guy bothering you?" "No, I'm not bothering him," Nick said to Daniel with a sneer. "Am I Gary?" "What's your problem?" Daniel moved between Nick and me. "Why don't you get out of here before I make you leave?" "What are you, his boyfriend?" "Just leave Nick!" I cried. "Please!" "Get out of here, asshole," Daniel snarled as he shoved Nick. "Hey what's going on here?" Mark asked as he, Troy and Scott moved to break up a potential fight. "This guy is harassing Stacy," Daniel told his brother. "No I'm not, I'm harassing Gary." He pointed a finger at me and said, "That is Gary Peterson and she is a he" "That's it, you're leaving," Troy grabbed Nick by the collar and dragged him towards the door. "You may have them fooled Gary, but I know it's you," Nick called. "What the fuck is he talking about," Mark said as he moved into my face. "You are a girl, aren't you?" I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I trembled under Mark's glare as I struggled not to vomit. "Stacy, talk to us, what was that guy talking about?" Daniel pleaded. "Holy shit!" I heard Brenda say from behind me. "You really are a guy aren't you? It makes so much sense." "Shut up, Brenda!" Jill snapped. "You knew, didn't you?" Brenda said. "You knew the whole time, that's why you were such a mother hen with her...or rather him." "Did you know that she's a guy?" Mark turned on his brother. His fists were balled and he looked ready to swing. "Did you know you were kissing a guy?" "I didn't know, really." Daniel held his hands up in surrender. "You fucking queer!" Mark roared at me. Mark turned toward me with fury in his eyes and the next thing I knew I was flat on the ground. Brenda and Jill were kneeling beside me and my face hurt like hell. Troy and Scott held Mark's arms as he fought to free himself. After another minute he turned, grabbed Daniel by the back of the neck and stormed toward the exit. Scott laughed as he walked over to me. "I never would have guessed," he said as he shook his head. "You make a fine looking lady, dude." I sat up and touched the side of my face. It hurt, a lot. I saw Cindy carrying her guitar towards the exit with Troy following her. She looked at me with disgust on her face. "How do you feel?" Brenda asked with concern. "I'll live," I said. "I'm sorry I lied to you guys, I didn't know how to tell anyone the truth." "Well, the cat's out of the bag now, Princess," Brenda said. "Oh my god, are you all right?" my mom screamed as she ran to me. Gloria, Patricia and the others were just behind her. "I'm okay, Mom," I said. "I ran into Nick and then things got out of hand. Everyone knows about Gary now." "So you punched him?" my mom screamed at Scott. "I didn't do it, lady," Scott said. "The guy who did it split already and I'll take care of him later." "Could you get some ice and a towel from the kitchen?" my mom asked Heidi. "I'll get it," Scott said. While he was gone I told them what happened with Nick and how Daniel had protected me and then how Mark had freaked out. Once Scott returned, my mom wrapped the ice in a towel and then applied it to my face. "You're probably going to have a black eye," my mom said. "We should get you home." "I need my guitar and my purse is over there somewhere," I motioned behind me. It had been thrown across the room when Mark punched me and its contents were strewn across the floor. "I'll get your guitar," Scott said as he headed to the stage. "I'll get your purse together," Heidi said. Patricia moved to help her. "It all makes sense now," Brenda said. "No wonder you wouldn't streak. And you always changed alone and so many other things." She looked at Jill. "You even said he was a guy that first night when we were paying Truth or Dare. Were you telling the truth about being first cousins, too?" My mom's head snap up, a look of panic on her face. "Would you please shut up, Brenda?" Jill hissed. "So, you gave him your hormones?" Heidi said loudly from behind us. "No I won't keep my voice down." There was a pause. "What the hell were you thinking?" I turned. Heidi had my pills in her hand. I wanted to run. Not only did my band mates know that I wasn't really a girl, and Nick would tell half the town, but my mom was about to find out that I had been taking hormones behind her back. My world was crumbling all around me and I had nowhere to turn. "Jerry, will you take Jill and her friends outside?" Gloria said. "I'm really sorry it turned out this way," Jill said. "I'm sorry I messed everything up," I said. "Don't sweat it." She hugged me and then ran to catch up with the others. Jill's dad followed his daughter out of the building, but her mom stayed. "Someone please tell me what is going on," my mom demanded. "It appears that Stacy has been taking female hormones provided my Patricia," Gloria said. "What?" My mom shrieked before launching into a verbal tirade against Patricia. My mom knew a lot of swear words. After a few minutes Gloria was able to calm my mom down enough that Patricia could speak without my mom yelling again. "You don't know how horrible puberty is for a transgendered person," she said, looking anguished. "To watch your body change, becoming more and more masculine when you want it to become more feminine. Every month hating what you see in the mirror just a little bit more. It was horrible for me. I wanted to kill myself so many times. I've known others who did kill themselves. I wanted to save your son that anguish." "It wasn't your place to decide," my mom snapped. She glared at me and said, "You not taking those any longer." "It wouldn't be wise to go cold turkey," Patricia said. "Stacy's body has adapted to the new hormones and cutting them off suddenly could cause complications. You know how your body reacts when you stop smoking abruptly? It's like that. I'd advice reducing the dosage over a few weeks to be safe, Stacy is taking two pills of each right now, so I'd recommend cutting back to one of each for the next several weeks and then down to a half of each for another couple weeks before quitting completely." "As if I'm going to take any advice from you at this point," my mom retorted. "She does have a lot of experience in this area," Gloria said. "You know, just because becoming a woman was the right decision for you it doesn't mean it's the right decision for my son." "Then why won't you take him to a physician who can help make that determination?" Patricia asked with exasperation. "And have it on his permanent medical record? Two months ago he had no desire to be female, but he is around you for a few days and then he wants to be female too. What have you been saying to him?" "Mom, it wasn't her," I said. "Patricia didn't talk me into anything. This is what I want. I want to be Stacy from now on. I want to play guitar in a band and I want to do it as a girl." "You are too young to make that kind of decision, Gary. If you still want this when you're eighteen then you can make that decision for yourself." "I can't wait that long Mom. I can't." "We'll talk more at home," my mom said with finality. "You played really well tonight," Heidi told me. She and Patricia headed towards the exit. "Mom, why does Jill think that we're first cousins?" "We can talk about that another time," she said crossly. "It's about time you told her," Gloria said. "There really is no reason to keep it secret any longer." "Not now!" My mom snapped at Gloria. "Get your stuff, Gary, we're leaving." "It is well past time, Elaine," Gloria said. "I want my grandchild to know who I am." "This is not the time," my mom said. "This has gotten out of hand. My son was attacked tonight and now I find out that he has been taking female hormones. Now you want to want to tell him this? It's too much for one night." "Elaine, it really is time," Mrs. Phillips said. "You've kept this secret long enough. It's not the early 60s anymore, it's okay to talk about it and your child needs to know." My mom looked at Gloria and then at Jill's mom. "Fine. Tell him then!" my mom cried and then rushed towards the exit. "Why don't we sit at a table," Gloria said. "So, my dad is your son?" I asked Gloria after we sat. "So you're really my grandma and you're really my aunt?" "Yes, but it's not that simple." Gloria said. "Your father is my son, but Frank Peterson, the man you knew to be your dad, is not your real father." "What? I don't understand." "You know what an affair is?" Jill's mom asked me. She continued when I nodded. "Your mother had an affair with my brother, George, and he is your father, not the man who raised you." "Why didn't anyone tell me?" I asked, more than a little annoyed. "You all knew, why didn't anyone tell me?" "When you were born it was a different time and women who had babies by men other than their husbands were ostracized from society. The children were not treated much better either," Gloria explained. "We thought it best to keep it a secret to protect you and your mother. Both Frank and George thought so too. Frank forgave your mother and agreed to raise you as his own son." "Can I meet my real dad?" I asked even as I remembered what had happened to her son. "I'm very sorry, but he died eight years ago in the Vietnam War," Gloria said. "Do you remember him at all? He was at your fourth birthday," Mrs. Phillips said. I shook my head. I was having a hard time registering all of the implications of what had just been said. "I am going to help you in every way possible, Stacy," my grandmother. "I will convince your mother to get you the professional help you need so that you can become the person you need to be." "Thank you. If you're my aunt, what do I call you?" I asked Jill's mom. "Aunt Delores would be nice," she said with a smile. "Do you want to stay at my house tonight? It could give your mother sometime digest all of this." "No," I said after pondering the option for a minute. "I want to go home with my mom." I hugged them both for a long time. I grabbed my guitar and purse and then left the building. My mom was sitting in the car and smoking. I didn't say anything when I got in the car. My mom looked at me for a few moments before she finally started the car and drove us home. Chapter 30 My mom demanded that I give her my pills as soon as we arrived at home. She then told me to change out of my dress get into some pajamas. I'd been wearing a nightgown or a nightie for the last month, but I thought it best not to argue the point so I did as instructed. After I'd finished changing I joined her in the dining room. A first aid kit, a jar of cold cream and a bag of cotton balls sat on the table in front of her. As she cleaned the makeup off my face and tended to my bruised face she told me that she would allow me to continue to take the pills for now, but she did not want me dressing as Stacy any longer. "Please don't do that Mom," I pleaded. "I can't be Gary anymore." "I'm sorry, but this has gotten out of control. You have to go back to school in a couple weeks and I think it is best if you get used to being Gary again." "Why didn't you tell me about my real dad? I can understand why you didn't want others to know, but why didn't you tell me?" "I wanted you to have a normal childhood with a mother and father who were married to each other," she said. "I thought it would be best for you." "Then why didn't you say something when Dad moved out? Why keep it a secret then?" "I'm sorry Gary. I should have told you before and I didn't." "Can I have my pills now?" I said. My mom pulled the pill bottles out of her purse and handed me one of each. I'd have to thank Patricia for her quick thinking. Telling my mom and Gloria that I had been taking two pills each she had bought me a few weeks at my current dosage. After I swallowed them I headed to bed. I held my teddy bear and tried to think of a way to get my mom to change her mind. I hopped that she'd reconsider after a night's sleep. A lot had happened tonight and she was making snap decisions. Perhaps she would think differently in the morning. On Sunday my mom was even more determined than ever. She made me pull all of my Stacy stuff out of my room, all of my makeup, dresses, bras, gaff, breast pads, fingernail polish, perfume, and shoes. She even tried to take my teddy bear, but I refused and told her that guys have stuffed animals too. She relented, begrudgingly. She drove me to the store and bought hair color that matched my natural color so she could dye out my highlights. When I started to whine she said it was that or a crew cut. I stopped arguing. After she dyed my hair she made me strip the nail polish off my toenails and fingernails. By this time I was crying a lot. This made her mad and she told me to stop being a baby. Once she finished trying to strip Stacy away I fled to my bedroom and stayed there for the rest of the day. I skipped dinner. I only came out to get my pills and then I went straight back to my room. Monday morning my mom drove us both to the salon, but this time I was dressed as a boy. I felt so weird without my breast pads and makeup. I felt naked and exposed. My mom would not listen to any of my pleas. My protests just seemed to harden her resolve. When we arrived at the salon I found to my horror that Patricia had been fired. Heidi wouldn't talk about it, but later Luanne told me that Gloria had fired her because she'd given me the hormones. That made me feel even worse, which I hadn't thought possible. I sat in the waiting area of the salon all day with nothing to do but feel sorry for myself, which I did wholeheartedly. It was even worse than the beginning of summer. Back then I didn't know that Stacy lurked within me. I'd been mostly content to be Gary, not that I'd been happy. I'd been sulky for as long as I could remember, never really connecting with anyone, always sticking to myself. I'd had Nick as a friend, but in retrospect I think having him as a friend was some kind of self abuse. Once I'd embraced being Stacy it was like the sky had opened up for me and the future was bright. Now that I was Gary again it was back to doom and gloom. That night I called Jill and we got into a fight on the phone. Apparently Mark had told her that he no longer wanted to see her. He was pissed that she'd known I wasn't a real girl and as a result his brother had made out with a dude. Now Jill blamed me. I was mad at her because she'd known the truth about my dad and had kept her mouth shut. I'd originally called her to inquire about the band, but then we started arguing and the subject never came up. Tuesday it was more sitting in the waiting room during the day and not talking to my mom at night. Wednesday was a copy of Tuesday until just before eleven, when Brenda walked into the salon. I was shocked at first, but my next instinct was to hide. I didn't want her to see me as a guy. "How have you been?" she asked as she sat next to me. "I've been better," I said. "What are you doing here?" "I want to talk to you," she said. "Can you take a walk with me?" "I'll check." I got up and went into the back and asked my mom for permission to leave the salon. My mom said it was okay if I took Brenda to the Stardust Diner, but to come straight back to the salon afterwards. When we arrived at the restaurant I asked Teresa for a booth in the corner. We both ordered a Coke. "How's the eye?" She pointed to my black eye. "It feels much better now; it really hurt for a couple days." "Don't take this wrong, but it's really weird seeing you dressed like a guy," she said. "You're cute though, but you're really pretty as Stacy." "Don't rub it in," I said. "I would be dressed as Stacy right now, but my mom won't let me." "Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about," Brenda said. "Do you really want to be Stacy? I mean with all your heart?" "Yes!" "Then be Stacy." "My mom took all of my clothes and makeup." "When I was in middle school my mom used to make me wear these really long skirts and long sleeve blouses that made me look like a nun. So, I started wearing the clothes I wanted to wear underneath them. Once I got to school I removed the clothes she wanted me to wear and wore my own clothes. Eventually she caught on so I had a friend bring me clothes from her house and then I'd change at school. If you really want to be Stacy then be Stacy." "You make it sound easy," I said. "You know that favor you owe me?" she said. "Here is what I want you to do for me. Live your life how you want to and don't let anyone tell you how to live it for you." "I want to be Stacy...no...I am Stacy." "That's my girl. We don't have a practice tonight, but I am working on getting one going for Saturday. Are you in?" "I doubt that Jill still wants me in the band. I think she hates me now." "She's just mad because Mark broke up with her before she could break up with him," Brenda said. "The guy's an asshole and I don't know why she keeps going out with him in the first place. She'll get over it soon enough." She took a breath. "Cindy is the hold out right now, but I'll get her to come around. The only reason she is in the band in the first place is because her parents and neighbors are cool and don't bitch about the noise when we practice. She's just an okay guitar player and she knows it. I'll get her straightened out." "Thank you," I said. "I didn't think you liked me for a long time." "I can be a bitch at times," Brenda admitted. "I think you've got a lot of guts and I admire that. If you need help convincing your mom about the band, let me know." "I will. Thank you." "No sweat. Well, we should probably get you back, Princess." "You're still going to call me Princess, even when I'm dressed like this?" I asked with a smile. "Absolutely. You're Princess until you smoke or streak," she said. "And I better not catch you doing either or I'll kick your butt." That night when my mom was watching television I snuck into her room and rescued some of my clothes and makeup and hid them in my guitar case. I didn't take them all otherwise she'd notice them missing. I joined my mom for a little television before dinner and then afterwards I played my guitar for the rest of the night. Chapter 31 In the morning as I carried my guitar case into the salon my mom asked why I had my guitar with me. I told her that I wanted to play it in the back instead of sitting in the waiting area the whole day. Once my mom was engrossed in her office duties I grabbed my guitar case and headed to the storeroom. I found a box that originally contained a dozen, large bottles of perm solution, but only had one left in it. I pulled the bottle out of the box and set it on a shelf. I pulled out one set of clothes, shoes and makeup from my guitar case and hid it in the box. I closed my guitar case and headed to the rest room. I stripped out of my clothes and then donned my bra and gaff. After I slid my breast pads into my bra I caressed the cups and it was like welcoming back a long lost friend. I pulled on my skirt, blouse and sandals before putting my earrings back in my ears. It felt so good to be able to put makeup on my face again; I'd felt naked the last few days. Plus now I could hide my black eye. Once I finished I headed straight to the office. "Mom, before you say anything there's something I want to say," I said with as much confidence I could muster. One look at my mom's face let me know that she was unhappy with my willful disobedience, but she motioned for me to sit and said nothing. "I know this is hard for you to accept, but I'm Stacy now. I don't want to be Gary anymore. This is how I want to dress from now on. I would like to help out at the salon, but I am happy to sit in the waiting area. I would like your permission to do so as I am dressed right now." "Permission?" She snorted. "Getting permission after the fact is not how it's done." She narrowed her eyes at me. "I'm not going to fight with you. But, today is the last day, so make the best of it." "Thank you." I left the office. "Welcome back, Stacy," Heidi said as I walked past her station. I sat in the waiting area and read a beauty magazine. At lunch time my mom took me to the Stardust Diner for lunch. We didn't talk much. After lunch, when my mom was engrossed in the office, I used the phone at the reception desk to call my grandma. I had a feeling I was going to need some support tomorrow. That night my mom did not make me change my clothes when we got home, but she told me that she wasn't going to let me bring any girl clothes to the salon in the morning. I told her that I understood. That night, while my mom was taking a bath, I slipped into her room and rescued my nightie. I slept much better that night. Friday morning found me dressed as a boy again when my mom and I arrived at the salon just before eight in the morning. I had a strong desire to rush into the back room and make sure my clothes and makeup were still where I'd left them, but I knew that I'd only raise suspicion if I went into the storeroom without a good reason. I was lucky enough that I'd been able to get in and out of it yesterday without being spotted. As it was every time Luanne or Heidi went into the back I worried that they would spot the clothes and then tell my mom. I looked at the clock. Gloria was going to show up at ten to back me up. I figured I should start getting ready a little before nine-thirty. I tried to occupy myself by reading magazines, but I'd read all of them a couple times yesterday. Time dragged. I kept looking at the clock every couple minutes which just seemed to make it move slower. Finally nine- thirty arrived and I headed into the back to get my stuff. "Where are you going?" my mom asked as I passed the office on the way to the storeroom. "Heidi needs some perm solution and she's in the middle of a perm." I stepped into the storeroom and grabbed the box. I'd have to pass my mom again to get to the restroom. I was hoping that she had turned her attention to paperwork and I could slip past without any further questions. I wasn't so lucky. "How much solution does she need?" my mom asked. I shrugged. "Well, that should last her awhile," she said with a chuckle. I headed into the bathroom and tried to catch my breath. I'd thought I'd been busted for sure. I got dressed and then headed back to the waiting room. As I approached Heidi and Luanne I put a finger to my lips, hoping they would get the idea that I needed their silence. They both gave me a nod of understanding. I sat back down in the waiting area and prayed that my grandma would arrive on time and my mom wouldn't come up front before she arrived. Gloria arrived a couple minutes late, but my mom had stayed in the back so I did not have to face her alone. She gave me a hug and told me that she was proud that I was being so brave. We walked to the back together, but she had me wait by the rest room. She said that since there were customers in the shop she wanted to brace my mom first. After a minute she stepped out of the office and motioned for me to join her. When I entered the office my grandma closed the door and told me to have a seat. "Elaine, Stacy asked me to come here today because she has strong desires to dress in a way that goes against your wishes," my grandma said. "She loves you and wants to obey you, but her desire to express what she feels is her true self is too strong. She feels at war between her desire to please you and her desire to be herself." She turned to me. "Is this a correct assessment?" I nodded. "My son is a he," my mom said through clenched teeth. "The only reason he thinks he is a she is because I let you talk me into letting him dress in women's clothes and then that...that ex-man fed him female hormones and now he is confused. Once he gets the drugs out of his system and back into school for awhile he will remember who he really is." "Do you think you will want to be Gary again if you are at school for awhile?" Gloria asked me. "No," I said. "I'm not confused Mom. I know that I want to be female, just like I know that I want to play guitar for the rest of my life. When I started out I was dressing up in disguise and pretending to be a girl, but then I wasn't pretending anymore. Now, when I'm dressed as Gary that's when I am pretending. Gary is a disguise. I am Stacy." "You are too young to make those kinds of decisions," my mom said. "You and that stupid van, if you hadn't stolen that van none of this would have happened." Gloria turned to me and said, "I think it's time to tell the truth about the van." "How do you know?" "Jill told her mother who then told me," Gloria said. "Apparently Jill has recently had a change of heart about keeping secrets." I looked at the ground. "Mom, I wasn't driving the van." I looked up at her. "Nick took the van and picked me up. When he crashed he begged me to switch places with him. I didn't want him to go to jail so I did." My mom stared at me with her mouth open. "You see Elaine, she could have escaped punishment with a word, but she kept her tongue. If dressing as a girl was any type of burden at the start don't you think she would have said something back then?" "This doesn't change anything," my mom said weakly. "Stacy, do you mind waiting up front?" my grandma closed the door behind me. "I think it changes everything," she said through the closed door. I took my regular seat in the waiting area again. I sat up there and stewed for about ten minutes before Luanne told me that they wanted to see me again. "Stacy, how would you like to stay the night at your aunt's house tonight?" my grandma said. I looked to my mom. "It's okay, sweetie," my mom said to me. It looked like she had been crying. I hugged my mom for over a minute during which time we said "I love you" several times to each other. I grabbed my boy clothes, stuffed them in the perm solution box and followed my grandma to her car. "Grandma, can I ask you a question?" I asked after we'd been on the road for awhile. "I love hearing you call me Grandma, I've been waiting many years to hear that from you," she said with a joyful smile. "Yes, dear, you most certainly can ask me a question." "Why did you fire Patricia?" "It broke my heart to do that, you must know." A look of sadness had replaced the smile. "I don't know if you are aware, but I have known Patricia for over thirty years. Her mother is a dear friend and I knew her back when she was still called Jonathan. It is because of Patricia that I convinced your mother to let you explore yourself as Stacy. Patricia said that you reminded her of herself when she was your age. It is with her guidance that Heidi helped you in those initial days. Once it was clear to her that you had begun to identify yourself as a girl she wanted us to take you to her physician. Lacking her experience in that area it was not as clear to the rest of us, so she took matters into her own hands and gave you hormones. Besides being illegal she put you in jeopardy and this is I could not tolerate." "But she was right, I want to be a girl," I said. "She is not a physician and there are reasons that the law requires doctors to prescribe medication," she said. "I will talk with your mom this weekend. I believe it is imperative that we get you to a doctor who can sort out this hormone issue." "I hope I can keep taking them," I said. "Patricia said that they would help me look like a real girl." "Your grandpa and I will do everything within our power to help facilitate your journey, but it must be a safe one." We arrived at my apartment twenty minute later. I packed up several days of clothes, my guitar, toiletries and of course my teddy bear. After that Grandma took me to lunch at Dairy Queen. She even bought me a chocolate dip ice cream cone for the road. As we rode to Jill's house I was glad my grandma's car had air conditioning. Whenever I'd gotten soft serve ice cream on a hot day in my mom's car it melted all over me before I could eat half of it. Once we arrived at Jill's house Aunt Delores showed me to the guest room. The room was pretty plain, but there was a dresser and a night stand next to a small bed, which had a pretty bed spread that had daisies all over it. I was happy that I did not have to sleep in Andrew's room again. Grandma didn't stay long; she said she had several errands to run before the end of the day, but before she left she gave me my pills. I didn't even see her get them from my mom. "It will be just you and me for most of the night," Aunt Delores told me once my Grandma had left. "Jill is over at a friend's for the night and your uncle Rich is out of town on a business trip. Is there anything you would like to do tonight?" "Umm, my mom usually watches TV and does crosswords and I play my guitar with my headphones on." "We'll I don't like crosswords that much and I can watch TV any old time," she said. "You are welcome to play your guitar, but I would prefer doing something together if you are up for it." "Well, I'd kind of like to paint my nails," I said. "My mom made me remove my nail polish last weekend." "Jill tells me that you are quite talented at painting nails, would you do mine?" "Okay," I said with a big smile. I rushed to the guest room and grabbed my makeup bag. I painted her nails white and then I made red hearts on both of her thumbs. On her left hand I painted out ANDY across her fingernails and JILL on the right nails. Aunt Delores painted my fingernails pink and I painted both of our toes. After dinner Aunt Delores pulled out a bunch of photo albums and showed me pictures of her brother, my real dad. She told me about their childhood together, how cool she thought it was when her older brother joined the military and how fearful she was when he shipped overseas. When she talked about his funeral and the 21 gun salute there were tears in her eyes. It made me wish I could remember something about him. It made me pretty sad though, my real dad was dead and my fake dad, the only one I'd really known, lived somewhere else. As I was going to bed that night I remembered that my birthday was only three days away. I normally looked forward to my birthdays, but I saw no point in this one. On past birthdays I'd do something with my parents and Nick. Once my dad left I'd do something with my mom and Nick and my dad would call in the evening. I wondered if he would even call anymore now that I knew that he wasn't my real dad. I still wanted him to call, he was the only dad I ever knew, but I figured he wouldn't want to talk any more. I wasn't really sure where I stood with my mom and I wasn't talking to Nick again: ever. School was starting in nine days and I had no clue what I was going to do. I wanted to be myself at school, but I was afraid that Nick would tell everyone I was really a guy even if we could get me registered under the name of Stacy. If it was just teasing I might be able to face it, but what if guys reacted like Mark did. Scott and Daniel wouldn't be there to save me. I thought of Brenda's words and I knew I had to be true to myself, but it was so scary. --Continued in part 7--