The Pink Diva Chronicles Day 44 65
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The Pink Diva Chronicles Day 122-128 free porn video
Day 122
On the Road again, PD
Dana and I are on our way to his parents. Quoting the man who owns the
record of doing the quickest Kessel Run : "I do not have a good feeling
about this." Dana is not his normal self, and we are planning on not
staying overnight. If that is not enough to make me feel like today is
going to be memorable for all the wrong reasons, Dana told me his dad
is an asshole.
Enough about what I cannot control; I will tell you all about
Christmas. It was amazing. My mom, oh how she was in all her glory. She
loves the house filled with guests. She had the usual guests: her three
kids and three grandkids, her daughter-in-law. She also had four more
people; my man, Bridgette, Stacy and Bridgette's mom.
I will say that I also so admire my mom; she was born to be a matriarch
of a family.I can only hope that I am half as good as her when I am a
grandmother. I thought it would be strange to think of myself as a
grandmother, but it is not.
Seeing my mom as the matriarch is not just talking about the cooking
and making sure everyone feels like they are at home. I am also talking
about her being the emotional cornerstone of the family, how she leads
us to be the best we can be. I am talking about she is what binds the
family together. I am talking about her leading us and taking charge
when need be. Like my dad said, he might have paid for the house but my
mom made it their home. He said that for he knew how important what my
mom and his wife did to make us a family.
Dana and I got over to my parents first and she asked me to help her
with the ham in the kitchen. When we got into the kitchen I did help,
and we also did what she really wanted. We talked about me telling Russ
and Carmen and their kids along with Gail about Bella today. She said
it made sense to do it today so I am not under pressure to hide who I
am while we are celebrating, that sharing the joyous news with them
would add to the festive activity. Finally because there was a good
chance that my dad might call me Bella ;would say Bella.
It touched me when my mom said that my transitioning was joyous news.
Her framing my decision to be who I am was exactly why I see her
leading us to listen to our better angels. She wanted to make my
announcement be about them gaining a sister, sister-in-law and aunt.
She knew that telling them on Christmas would highlight it was good
news.
I did not want to take any chance of ruining Christmas. I really did
not know how Russ and Carmen would take it. They are open minded for
born-again Christians and I think they would need time to process it. I
also did not know what they would think about their kids being told
their uncle is a transgender woman.
So when everyone finally arrived and the kids were engaged with their
phones all the adults went into the dining room. I agreed with my mom
about telling people today, but I felt it was best to run it past Russ
and Carmen. Even Bridgette's mom, Pam, was asked to join us; she is
more family than most of my blood relatives. She was like an aunt to me
growing up and it is still hard not to refer to her as Ms Crilly when I
talk about her.
Everyone was there and Carmen asked if she should get the kids also.
Right then I realized that I also had to share with them about being
engaged. I knew that was why she wanted to get her children. I told her
no; she and my brother needed to hear this first.
I took a deep breath, grabbed my pillar of strength by his hand and
just let it out. The only person who was really surprised was Ms
Crilly. She did not know about me dressing like Tinkerbell for
Halloween. It was not just me talking about Tinkerbell, but how I
talked which prepared my brother and sister-in-law for the news. Gail
thought that I already told her I was a transgender woman when I was
fine with her calling me sis.
The best part was everyone was happy for me. Gail started to play 20
questions with me about the transition. I could tell that Russell was
concerned about something, but Carmen put him at ease. Even with Gail
rattling off the questions quicker than I could answer, I overheard
Carmen tell my brother not to worry about those people. I told Gail the
Q and A portion of this would be after I tell them my plans. She
laughed; my sis knew that my plans would cover her questions.
After I got done telling my family how Bella was going to be, Russell
asked me to come with him and Carmen to tell my niece and nephews. As I
was leaving, Gail did say "Bella, you know we need to set up a day
out." I think she was happier for herself, that she got the sister she
never had. Russell and I were so close growing up and she must have
felt left out.
My niece and nephews were great about hearing that their Uncle Ben was
going to be their Aunt Bella. I think part of the reason was that to
children the world is new and changing so people could change also. At
first Peter was sad.He said nothing about it, but I could tell. I asked
him what was wrong. Spidey said that I would not call him Spidey
anymore because I would not be Uncle Ben.
I knew it was not about the nickname. Spidey was scared that he might
lose that special connection he had with me. I told him he would always
be my favorite neighborhood wall crawler. With a smile on his face,
Spidey gave me a hug and said, "then I will have to start calling you
Aunt May." I felt so good inside seeing how important the bond between
me and him was to my nephew.
Then I made the second announcement and took the ring off of the
necklace to wear. I downplayed Dana and I getting engaged. It did not
feel right being center stage for so long at the beginning of us
celebrating Christmas. I wanted our time together to get back to
normal. I love the new feeling of normal. I also do not like being the
center of attention; I am the middle child, after all.
Hold up, PD, I know what you are thinking. I talk so much about myself.
The only reason is that is what writing in this diary is all about. It
is about me learning about who I really am.
Anyway, back to Christmas: After I got my Maid of Honor, one bridesmaid
flower girl and Dana got a grooms-person, Bridgette, Christmas did get
back to normal. I know that Stacey is my best friend but Gail has to be
my Maid of Honor. The choice of her was not because she was family. The
choice was for the intense caring and love my sister and I have for
each other. Carmen and Russell just assumed I was going to ask Angela.
They mentioned how cute their daughter was going to be as the flower
girl when I told them the good news
How Dana stepped up and told Bridgette she did not have to worry about
Stacy dancing with anyone else is just another reason why I love him.
He knew how much Bridgette means to me and how I would quickly be
running out of spaces in my bridal party so he asked her to stand with
him. I knew another reason was that Bridgette is just one of the guys
to him and they are becoming close.
Finally Christmas became Christmas. There was much laughter and joy in
the entire house. Seeing how proud my mom was when I came to the
conclusion about her being born to be a leader of our clan. My dad is
also one but today was where my mom shined. She made sure that
something important was able to be talked about. She also made sure
that we were the type of people who were able to make my transitioning
be something which brought all of us closer together. I love my mom.
PD, I am going to take a little break from writing in you. We just
passed past the Grove City junction on I-79 and I love the scenery of
this section of the drive.
***************
I am back PD and, also so happy to be back home right now. I will say
that Dana is wrong about his dad being an asshole. Asshole is too nice
of a word to use to describe that person. The asshole on a blue whale
is a smaller asshole than he. Gandhi would say Ross Hewson was an
asshole.
That man is an abusive narcissistic megalomaniac. He is a total control
freak who cannot stand anyone questioning his authority over his little
kingdom of his home. He is the epitome of delusional self-importance.
These are the qualities which I found endearing.
I know it is not my style to talk ill of people, but I need to get rid
of all the negativity I have in me from being around him. He is toxic.I
do not believe how he puts everyone and everything down just to feel
better about himself.
As we walked to the door to his parents' house, Dana apologized in
advance. I will not call it a home for it did not have the warmth that
a home should have in it. It was not his mom's fault; anyone could tell
she was making that place as welcoming as possible. The asshole was at
blame. His coldness towards the wants and needs of anyone else
overpowered Ms Hewson's warmth. By the end of the visit, I felt like I
had to apologize to my man for not being there when he lived under that
roof.
He tried to put me down right away by suggesting that the only reason I
was with Dana was that I could not get a woman. I corrected him by
saying that there was no other person I would rather be with. That
prick tried to twist those words by saying 'so there are women.' I
corrected him again and said I am not into women. I was getting mad and
Ross laughed and told me to lighten up, he was only joking.
Ross would complained that if he won the lotto he would be mad at
having to pay the taxes on those millions. He sees the bad in
everything. Lizzy should have gone into the world of investment banking
or Wall Street instead of academia. Dana picked the wrong specialty; he
should have been an ophthalmologist or a plastic surgeon. Each time he
questioned the decision of his children he asked me if I agreed with
him; I told him no. When I brought up that I work for Pitt, he said
that IT people in the real world make double what I do. I told him that
them paying most of my health insurance, extra vacation and holidays
along with the other great fringe benefits more than made up for the
difference in pay.
Pam on the other hand is sweet. She did her best to make sure that
everyone felt welcomed. She is humble, not wanting to take any credit
on how her two kids turned out. That sweet lady turned as red as the
berries on the mistletoe above on their tree when I mentioned it. She
is smart and pays attention to details. She picks up little things,
like word choice or the little part of a tattoo which is sticking out
from the cuff. Pam is also discreet; she waited to ask about the tattoo
until it was only me and her.
I felt it was a way to bond with her so I told her the story about
dressing as Tinkerbell for Halloween. I know, PD, I have been bringing
up that story a lot, but I have been sharing a lot. She thought that
was so nice of me. I showed her some pictures and she swore that they
were not of me. She said I made a beautiful woman and then it was my
turn to become as red as the mistletoe berries on their tree.
Dana's mom stays in a bad situation, but I cannot say she is not
strong. I can tell she is; she stays for her kids. She also stays
because she loves Ross. I know he is a good provider, and will do what
he can for his family. He is just flawed. I know we are all flawed but
the difference is he does not his imperfections when most people see
theirs.
It got worse from there. My parents told me to invite those two down to
meet. Ms Hewson was happy and said yes, but her husband said no. He
then tried to forbid her from going down. She does not drive and he
said there was no way for her to get there. . I said I would come pick
her up and bring her back for the weekend. The new excuse was no one
would be there to cook for him. I told him then it would be a great
time to learn. He has some balls to complain about someone's cooking
when he does not even know how; also, Pam can cook, the turkey she made
was excellent.
The entire visit was as tense as the stare down between two heavyweight
boxers. The feeling in the air was at any moment the bell would ring
and there would be a donnybrook between one of us versus Ross. I know
he was trying to goad me into it. He wanted to test his dominance in
his little kingdom.
Lizzy and Dana both stayed as quiet as possible during our time there.
Even the words they said were meaningless. They only did small talk.
That is not my man and his sister. I know they speak their minds. I
also know why they did not say anything; because it would be useless.
They would have to defend anything they said. If their father disagreed
he would just try to browbeat them into agreeing with him.
On our way out I told Ms Hewson I was looking forward to hearing from
her about the visit. Ross tried to say that she might change her mind.
I said then we would have to bring my family up here to meet them. That
made him relent for good. I know the last thing he wanted was more
interlopers whom he could not control in his little kingdom.
I feel bad for Ross; he is a damaged person. He is afraid scaredof
being hurt. Dana said any holiday or event brings out the worst in his
father. I wish that Dana's father would get help for his issues. They
are affecting all of those around him. They have pushed his two kids
away. They made anyone who sees that side of him not want to be around
him if they can help it.
On the way back home Lizzy and Dana both talked about how they wished
that they could do something for their mom. I know they feel so
helpless. They can do something but are afraid scared to do so. They
could take their mom out of that environment. They are afraid to even
suggest that because they do not know if their mom is strong enough to
leave that person.
Once the topic changed, I told Dana we should get a house with a
mother-in-law apartment for visitors. It would give them and us more of
a sense of privacy; we have been talking about picking out a new home.
Dana wants a place which is truly ours and I do also. Another reason
would be his mom would have somewhere to go if she ever left that
person she is married to. When the time is right I will tell Dana that
she would be welcome to move in with us if she wanted to. I know then
was not the time because I am still becoming part of his family.
By the time we got got back to Dana's, Lizzy and my man had
decompressed from all the pressure which came from being around their
dad. Even with them back to normal I made sure those two rested as I
got them both a coffee. As we sat around talking, Dana brought up the
mother-in-law apartment. I can tell he loves the idea.
We are all so drained from today so I am off to bed without a witty
send off.
Love
Bella
Day 126
I want a vagina. I have been thinking about that since Dana got to
biblically know me. I told Karen and felt shallow about how important
that was to me. My penis is just a piece of flesh, but now it feel so
wrong on my body. It is strange how something which has been attached
to me for my entire life nows feels foreign to me.
I hate the bulge which it gives me. I want to be smooth down there. I
should be smooth down there. I hate the reminder it gives me when it
gets erect. When it is hard and throbbing each throb is a little
message that I am not all woman. That message is a lie but I believe
it. To me being a woman is not about the body. Being a woman is who a
person is. It is part of their soul. I want my body to match my soul.
Karen did what she always does, listens. The only agenda she has is for
me to come to an understanding of who I am. She might question what I
say, but it is only for her agenda. She is impartial and does not try
to force her views on me. She wants me to come to my own conclusions
and be able to defend how I got them.
Karen was happy to hear how supportive the people I told were, then she
made sure I had that contact information for support groups of friends
and family of transgender people. This is not only a big change for me,
but also for them. I cannot make this all about me
I know how important having the people I hold dear by my side in this
journey will be. It will not make it easy; , being a misunderstood
minority which many people do not believe is real is hard no matter
what. I just have to know that life is mostly an inside job. I need to
live my life to make myself happy. Happiness only comes from within.
Plus, how can I get along with others if I do not get along with
myself. I need to be comfortable with who I am before I can be
comfortable with others.
I am following the plans of telling my friends. I told Liam, Scott and
Eric and two of them are not going to be as close to me from now on.
Liam and Scott really disapproved and are not willing to accept me for
who I am. They both did say that I would always be Ben and they will
never use Bella. That did hurt for once I am full time as Bella they
would be dead naming me. I do not want to get into what else was said.
I did bring up the worst for it proved the saying about names can never
hurt wrong. It hurts not to be accepted by others you care for, and
them claiming that they will never use my real name hurt. I do not want
to dwell on it. This is because I want to have an open mind to
accepting them back into my life if they open their minds and hearts to
seeing this does not change who I am.
I have been thinking about dead naming and think I have a different
opinion of it than most transgender people. If someone used Ben when
telling a story of my past when I was living as Ben that seems right to
me. That is for I was representing myself as Ben and that is who they
believed they shared that experience with. I have to respect how they
experienced the event. It might be different if I was struggling with
my gender dysphoria at that time.
I know my experience as a transgender woman is not a normal one. I did
cover how my mom and dad said there was no difference between the sexes
and gender. Also with me not knowing I was different made it seemed
normal that I thought about being a woman and how natural it would be.
It made sense to me that all guys would think the same thoughts as me.
I might be what other people call genderfluid but I would much rather
be a woman than a man.
Now back from that tangent to Eric. His reaction shocked me. He was
happy to hear the news. I thought he would have apathy at best and act
like Liam and Scott at the worst. He started to ask me so many
questions about it. Most of them were ones I would expect: , how long
did I know, when did I decided to become who I am. Some were from
someone who knew more than I thought Eric would know about
transgenderism, like when should he start calling me Bella.
Then came the question which made his questions make sense. Would I
like another transgender lady to talk with about transitions? I said
yes. He then horrified me for a moment by telling me his cousin I knew
as Tony is Delilah. I knew that sometimes Eric did not know boundaries
but never thought he would out someone.
He quickly told me that his cousin was open about being a transgender
lady but it still did not feel right. That was until he talked about
how active she was in the transgender community. How she has been
helping ladies like us all the time. Eric could tell I was still iffy
about what he did and assured me he would never do so with me unless I
told him I was open about being a transgender lady like De did. That if
De ever found out that I was transgender he knew she would be mad at
him if he did not offer her help.
I told him to give her my email and phone number. Later that day she
did call and that finally put my mind at rest about Eric telling me
something so personal about someone else. She was so happy to talk with
me and that Eric made sure I knew about her. We hit it off and are
going to get together after the holidays are over.
I expected us to get along, not because we are both transgender ladies,
but because we always ended up talking when she was around. Both of us
being who we are, makes me looking back at the times with De when I
knew her as Tony, gives me a new perspective of the past. Now it made
sense why I was so comfortable talking with her back then; we are the
same gender. Saying men and women are different is lazy. Everyone is
different. People see the men and women like points on a graph, but
they are more like a Venn Diagram with the areas of the set which do
not overlap as what represents being a man or woman.
I think people need to see men and women as totally different for
people need to see things as A or not A. People are set up to see the
world in a dichotomic manner. People see others as either gay or
straight, left handed or right handed, liberal or conservative. It is
not as simple as that; most things are on a spectrum. Being on this
spectrum means we are a blend. We are much more than A or not A. I love
that about people.
It might be a survival technique from our ancestors. Early humans
needed everything to be simple, to have it be either safe or unsafe. Is
that strange berry safe to eat, unless they were desperate it would be
seen as unsafe. I think it is also because people like to not think,
that not liking to think might tie into our ancestors also. We did not
have to time think; we needed to react quickly to danger.
PD, I know I went off on a tangent and the opinions I expressed have no
research behind them. They are just a musing of this muse.
Lizzy is going home tomorrow. I am going to miss her being around. It
will be great if she takes the job at CMU. She already has a great
social network here but still enough space to be herself. I also want
to add that she and Gail really got along.
I will say she loved seeing me as Tinkerbell. I gave my word about
doing that for her and just wanted to make sure you knew I kept it.
Then again, me writing in you for this long should make it so you know
I keep my word.
Have a happy New Year
Bella
Day 128
Happy New Year !!!!!
I like sleeping in on New Year's Day. Not just from staying up too late
and drinking too much the night before. I know nothing changes on New
Year's Day, but having the day be laid back and not in a hurry is a
great way to start the New Year.
I know that some people would think I am contradicting what I just said
but something did change today. My routine to start the day. I will say
thaaaaaaaaaaAAAt it just happened that I picked New Year Day to start
the step of the process of living as Bella so the day itself has
nothing to do with the change. That is why I do not see me starting
anew today as contradicting what I said about today. I am living as
Bella so as I get ready for the day I did put on a little makeup. This
time was different for I did not think of if I wanted to or not. I did
so for it was what I would do. Bella wears makeup.
Bridgette and Stacy's little gathering was awesome. Before I get on to
the night I have to say how it feels being around the other Muses. It
feels the same as before they knew I was a lady. (I am not going to use
transgender all the time; using it makes it feel like it defines and it
does not.) How it is just the same makes me feel better about my body
not matching who I am. I still want my body to be as feminine as
possible, but I am more confident knowing that it does not make those
who know me see me differently.
The dinner party was just the eight of us. Then afterwards a couple of
people came over. The first time I heard the doorbell I did panic. I
was not ready for unexpected people to see me as living as Bella. I
know that is going to happen a lot, but then I will be in the mindframe
so it would not matter. I asked Stacy who else she invited. She said
Frank called Bridgette and just about invited himself and Monica.
Hearing who it was relaxed me. I should have known it was him. Frank
wanted to spend New Years with Dana and me. He is the type of person
who goes after what he wants. Even with me not hosting the party I
asked if I could get the door. Stacy laughed and said of course, it is
your house. I corrected her and told her it is our house.
Frank and Monica were stunned at seeing me. I know I look like a
transgender woman, but I look good as Bella and those two did not
expect it. I am better looking as Bella than I was as Ben.Frank said
'you are Bella.' I knew what he meant right then, that he knew this was
right for me. That from then on he would see me as the woman I am. I
hugged him after he said that.
I know I said this before but it is great seeing the old people in my
life get along so well with the new people. Now it feels like being
Bella is not a start of a new book in my life but just a new chapter.
It was also nice seeing Frank and Bridgette reconnect. Frank and
Richard are becoming friends; they made plans to do the couple thing.
I was talking to Frank and he told me how pissed off he is at Bill and
Scott. I knew he was pissed at Liam for he used Bill instead. Growing
up Liam went by Bill; not until he got to college did he start to want
to be referred as Liam. In a way Frank was dead naming Liam and I told
him he was not right in doing so. Frank said if he will not give my
main bitch the respect she deserves about her name then I will do the
same to him. I understand why; Frank is the type of person who fights
fire with fire. In this instance he is also pointing out how
hypocritical Liam is being.
Midnight was so special. Most of the night Dana and I were doing our
own thing. We did send each other glances and had a huge smile on our
faces when we did so, but we are not the type of couple who have to be
attached at the hip. We are at the party to be around friends and be
our own people. Yes we are a couple, but at the same time we need to
make sure we stay our own person.
Dana and I, along with the rest of the couples, started to try to find
each other around quarter to midnight. We went to the backyard for some
privacy to share our first New Year's kiss. The night sky was clear and
we could hear everyone counting down. Then at midnight we kissed and
fireworks went off along with pots and pans being banged. The fireworks
came not only from the normal reaction of me kissing my man, but also
from people setting them off.
I do wish that someone could have taken the picture, for the people who
live behind me set off four Roman Candles at the same time. I can
picture it in my head and know it is a memory I would want to be able
to actually see.
So I will spend the day just relaxing and getting ready for work. I
have one more day off and going back will be huge for me. I will start
the process of telling HR about me living as Bella.
TTYS
Bella
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