The Pink Diva Chronicles Day 44-65 free porn video

Pink Diva Day 44 Dear Pink Diva Quick entry, Trisha is such a brat, giggles. I was mad at her. No, to be better phrased, I was mad at her actions and being inconsiderate but she understood when I explained why to her. I wanted to make sure I was clear it was her actions, her not thinking, and not her as a person. A person is a sum of all their actions, and they will mess up. If they meant no harm, make amends for their transgressions, and learn, then it is best to know it was not who they are at the core. There was no malice in what she wanted to do, and when I explained, she understood and did not do it. I love her, but can't believe she told the girls all about yesterday. She waited until I was there for some harmless "ribbing". Trisha first told them about my new panties. I did not like that and said that is personal. She then told them I was having a good time and liked being in that dress. I did, but the reason was it made Dana happy. They said that they needed to see me dressed before the ball. Trisha said don't worry, I have pictures and will show you. The other two were eager to see them. OMG she took pictures. I was so mad and felt betrayed by her taking them and then going to show the pictures. I told her don't do it. If you do, I am leaving. I did not notice that you took pictures, and now you want to share those pictures with others. I trusted you not to tell anyone about the panties. You said they were our secret, yet you did. I trusted you when you said they needed to be Tinkerbell panties, and now you are making fun of me for having them. She did try to justify her actions. Telling about the panties was bad, and her saying girls share those things made me understand why, and saying it was harmless "ribbing" made me see there was no malice. I was upset by it, and they kept it up. They also questioned my manhood. I do not care that they did; I did care that they put me down to have a laugh. There is no justification in offering to show pictures like these taken in private to others, plus I did not even notice her taking pictures. I remember her saying that she sent James some naughty pictures over her phone, so I said you would not mind James showing his friends those naughty pictures then. That changed her tune quickly. She said she was sorry, and did not think about how personal those pictures were to me, that she wanted to share how cute I was, and she understood why sharing them would bother me. She then deleted them. The other girls were a little disappointed, but understood. Then the girls saw how upset I was about their comments. That is not what friends do. If they say something in jest which can be taken bad and the other person does, they treat it that way. They understood even with no malice in them, I took it bad for the humor came from about demeaning me. I saw their point of view; they saw me as a friend, as one of their group, so they wanted us to share that moment. They saw how them trying to make me feel like part of the group was making me feel like an outcast. I know. I took it wrong and when I saw I did, I understood why they did what they were doing. We did end up making a compromise. Next weekend, I will try it on again with all three of them there. I do want to get used to wearing it a little more. It is a little freeing to be that feisty fairy, and the girls, along with myself, want to see how I will look with makeup on also. It is going to be fun. Just want to end my entry with saying Trisha was so sweet when we were leaving brunch. It was only us two and she really apologized for not thinking, and taking into account that was me in the pictures. She felt bad about telling them about the panties. It is just that she sees me as part of this group, and this is a group of girls. Girls share those things. I did have empathy for why she did her actions. I knew they were not mean spirited. I told her it was fine, and I gotta get used to that kind of sharing. I said I hoped my overreaction did not make her feel like she can't be herself around me, and I was sorry for it. She reassured me it will be the same and I had no need to be sorry . I said good, for sharing like this is making me a more well-rounded person. Ta Ta Day 45 Dear Pink Diva This is going back to me saying I am Tinkerbell to Dana's Peter Pan. Well, in many ways I am his sidekick. It is not a bad thing. It is just how it worked out. I have never really been a sidekick before, but I am enjoying it, mostly for it is how much I can trust him. I always question people. It is not that I don't trust them. It is I just don't trust them to think out what they are doing or even why they are doing it . It is like they are on auto-pilot. I heard the phrase enough "it seemed like a good idea at the time" to know that people do not think enough. I know this contradicts me wanting to be more in the moment, but there has to be a balance. I know I am no alpha, but I am not a beta either. Saying people are either alphas or betas is a false dichotomy. I see myself as an individual, I know everyone does. I do not wish to lead or follow. I wish to do my own thing and allow others to do so. It does not matter if I like their action or not, people should be allowed to do what they like as long as they treat everyone the same and their actions cause no harm. People follow most of the time for they do not want to shake up the social norms. I think it is for it is just easier for them not to have to answer any questions about what they are doing. They feel like they need to justify what they are doing to everyone. They need approval. We all do, but it is better to get the approval for the right reasons or not to get approval if it is the right thing to do. It is nice to just reflect and write in you . I should do that more often instead of talking about my feelings about events. I hope that I do put enough of my personal reflections into my writing about what is happening so you understand who I am. Well, goodnight Pink Diva TTYS Day 47 Been a little busy on the phone this week. I can be such a chatterbox, giggles. Trisha called on Tuesday to see how I am doing and just to chat. I am becoming so close to those girls. She seemed a little antsy and beating around the bush. I was concerned for the compilation of those two usually means you are going to hear something you don't like. I told her to just say what is on her mind. She blurted out that the biggest reason she shared those photos is she just sees me as one of the girls. Funny thing, her saying that did not faze me. In fact I took it as a compliment. I told her thanks, she sees past my sex and treats me like you would any close friend. I do believe when people see each other as the other sex, it does hinder intersexual friendships. She was worried that her seeing me that way would emasculate me. It did not, or I just did not care. I do not know. That is a little confusing, but I do not care. I had gained so many good friends in the last two months. I have learned so much about me, and she sees what is important about me. I am kind, caring, dependable, and have empathy for others. That is what I want people to see when they see me, not what sex I am.. Talked to Bridget yesterday. It was so nice. It was just so comfortable talking to her. She commented on how refreshing it was that my wanting to hear how what she was talking about made her feel. I did have to ask her if see saw me as any less of a man. I did care if she does not see me as a man right then, for I wanted to ask her out on a date. She laughed, told me not to be silly, and don't be unsure about myself. I told her good, for the reason I was asking was I wanted to take her out. I explained it would be in the afternoon to make it more friendly and we can just see where it leads. I did not want high expectations on either part, for if it did not work out, we can still be friends. She said that would be lovely. I agreed it would be lovely. I am not telling anyone else about this, not even Dana. I do not want any outside pressure on this. I knew Bridget my entire life. She lived across the street from me growing up. In a way, if this works out, it would be like a fairy tale. That is fitting, for I will be a fairy in two weeks, no, one week from Saturday. Lastly Dana came over tonight for supper. I told him about being his sidekick and he denied it. I then explained about how we always hang out with his friends,not mine, that I joined his social group while he did not join mine. He then wanted to make sure I knew we were equals, and said tomorrow we will hangout with my friends.. I do know Dana and I are equals; being a sidekick does not make one less than another. I think it is great that my friends are going to meet him. They will see how great of a person he is and will not get on me for bringing him up. Before I go, the cute count for my room is up to 5 : you, the pressed flowers, the outfit, the panties and my ankle boots. It is giving my bedroom more warmth and a lighter feel. It feels like my bedroom is not just functional. It has a personality of being free and happy. Day 49 Taking Dana to my local bar was nice. Everyone got along, and my friends are getting out of their ruts. Scott finally has a girlfriend. I know, I said he would chase any girl, but if he starts seeing one, he is faithful. Frank got a job; I should have said he was doing the Mr Mom thing after he got laid off. He actually went home early. Liam did not bring up politics, and Eric was in a good mood. I would be scared if Eric, our group's Eeyore, was ever happy for a prolonged period of time. I heard something a little off when I came back from the restroom. Dana and Frank were having a little conversation and Dana said 'I would never' and Frank said 'Sorry, just had to make sure, let me buy you a drink then.' Dana said great, to let you know we both want the same.. . It was odd, for there was tension in Dana's voice at first, then relief, and Frank's tone was confrontational, and then respectful. Then Dana just stopped in mid-sentence when he saw me close. It was like they did not want me to know about what they were talking about. Anyway we all called it a night around midnight. In the taxi, I told Dana I would call him tomorrow to tell him how the second run as Tinkerbell went. He blushed a little, for he thought that the driver could hear us. I did not care if the driver could. Dana thanked me again for doing this, and wanted me to know it was hard to explain to me why it meant so much to him to be Peter Pan. He will share why one day. I could tell it was a painful subject and said he never had to share it with me. This is important to him, so it is important to me. I need not know why, I trust him. Sweet dreams, Pink Diva Day 50 Today with the girls was great. I was made an "honorary girl". It was done in good jest. They were all amazed at how good I look with makeup. I can pass, and it made me feel good. I did not want to look bad for Dana. It would take away from him being Peter Pan. This is about him, not me. Anyway, it was a girls' day, I got to Beth's in early afternoon and Richard was getting ready to leave. He stayed for a couple of minutes and we talked. He talked about how happy he is to see Dana in a great mood since I came into his life. I said well, he does the same for me. We also talked about fantasy football and he was impressed at how much I knew. That was peculiar. I guess he is one of those men who think that they know more about football than anyone else. Ohhh, the male ego, so big yet so fragile. We also talked about IT; he is also in it. Anyway, we waited until he left and I got changed. It really felt good to have those pantyhose on my shaven legs. It was a like a soft silken hug on them I told Beth I was ready for the makeup. I actually was, for I wanted to look good, and I will need to have makeup on to do so. The first thing she did was make sure she complimented me on how I looked. I blushed, and we both giggled. Her compliment made me more comfortable doing this. Even with wanting to do this for Dana, I need all the encouragement I can get from others. Applying the makeup, that took like forever. She talked a lot about the reasoning behind how she was applying it. She went to get a perfume. She said I should smell like the forest, for that is where Tinkerbell is from. I agreed, with the caveat of it being a light spray; if I am doing makeup, I should do the whole nine yards. We were done by the time Trish and Stacy showed up. Stacy stopped in her tracks when she saw me, and Trisha said I told you so to her. Beth said it is too bad Trisha got rid of those photos, for she would like to see them. I smiled and said Trisha might have gotten rid of hers, but Dana took a couple also. He sent them to me. I went to get my phone but it was not on me. I said BRB and ran upstairs to get it. I picked it up along with my wallet, keys, cigarettes, lighter and gum and the fairy dust bag. I threw everything in the bag and ran down stairs. I am pretty amazed at how quickly I took to wearing these boots. We looked at the pictures, and Trisha made a comment about my posture being better. The other two concurred. I apologized for overreacting last Sunday. I was being silly, I said. Trisha said no need to, it was my experience to share, and it was so much better this way then what Trisha wanted. She went to hug me and instantly I did the same. It was like an instinct. The hug was different; it was platonic. It was intimate and affectionate with no romantic feeling at all.. C S Lewis would have said it was Storge, maybe even Philla. It came from a place of deep love for each other. I did get a little teary-eyed. I have this kind of love for all of the girls, and I know they do for me also. We spent the afternoon watching some classic movies starring Molly Ringwald and drinking wine. I also practiced my feminine voice by following the how-to videos on Youtube . I thought it would be a hoot if I greeted Dana with that voice when he first sees me as Tinkerbell in makeup. We all got hungry, so we ordered some curry for delivery, my treat. It is the least I can do for the spa day coming up. I know friends do not keep tally; I just want to show my appreciation for them . I was going to eat in my costume, but the girls were not having it. I really did not want to take a shower before we ate, but said that I was going to so I could get the makeup off. Beth suggested that she had some outfits that would go with my shoes. I should wear that instead. I was drunk and said as long as I do not find it too girly. It was just harmless fun and would keep the mood light. She took me to her bedroom, and showed me a couple of tops, skirts and dresses she thought would fit me. I went with a green shell blouse and a loose black midi skirt. She told me that was an a-line cut which flowers out at the end. I did not care, for it looked comfy. I was right, it was. I could get used to wearing one of those. I came downstairs and Trisha and Stacy both had a mischievous grin on their face. I knew they were up to no good. They wanted me to pay for the food. I said, I already said my treat and went to get the money. They giggled and said no actually pay. It dawned on me what they were suggesting. I turned red and they giggled louder. Those brats, thought they could embarrass me, why, I will show them, I thought. I said fine, borrowed a purse to take the money out of, and waited. The delivery guy showed up and I paid him and talked also. He did not change his expression when I spoke. While eating the girls talked about they could not believe I did this. Yes we were acting like teenagers. They said I am not only part of their group, but now an honorary "girl". I was flattered, really I was. It was so nice to hang out with the girls, not having to worry about being competitive all the time, more likely to cooperate, and being more about emotions and feelings instead of the event. I asked what being an honorary "girl" entitled me to. They said first, a nickname. They all had one and had a meaning behind it. Beth was Quila, for she used to love to start the night off by asking the girls to do a shot of tequila. The next two nicknames had TMI tied to them. Trisha is Mustang, for all she wanted to do was ride, if you catch my drift, giggle. Lastly Stacy is Mony, Mony, for she would scream get laid, get fucked, when that song was played at college parties. I thought that was not bad until they told me that was what she was looking for also. She chimed in 'yes, I was a little nympho.' Like I said TMI. The all had wrist tattoos of their nicknames. I am not getting a tattoo of mine, but did get a nick name. It is Tink. I like it. They explained to me, only use those nicknames to each other, so try not to use them too often around Dana, for he might try to start calling me that also. That made me feel more in the group. We all now share something special that is only for us. Then the tone got more serious. Second and more important is that we are all there for each other. We will share each other's joy and sorrows. Other than each other's men, or when we have children, this group comes first. It is like a female version of the Three Musketeers, all for one and one for all. Dana called to see if I was ready to be picked up. I told him I would be by the time he got here. I took a shower and changed back to my men clothes. Pants felt so restricting after wearing a flowing skirt. He was so nice offering to drive me here and home, for we were drinking. I would do the same for him and he knows it. On the way home I told him how close I felt to the girls and thanked him for introducing me to them. He seemed a little sad. I told him not to worry, I would still have time for him, that he is special to me. I guess hanging out with the girls got me a little emotional, for saying he is special was odd. Men do not tell other men that they are special, but it is true. I just feel a deep connection to him. He is closer to me than my brother or sister. In some ways, he is blood by choice to me. I am going to bed. I hope I have sweet dreams, for I get vivid ones when I drink a little too much like today. Sweet dreams Tink Day 51 Wow, Pink Diva I had a great time yesterday I can't believe what I did. It was all fun and good. But still, I just can't believe it. I paid for that curry dressed as a woman. One thing; I was comfortable doing so and it harmed no one, so who cares. It was just fun with the girls. They were not joking about the nickname, Tink. I like it. The girls freely used all the nicknames during brunch and encouraged me to do so also. I feel so much closer to them. We have our thing, which we only do with each other. It will strengthen our bonds. We talked about the spa day. I have been looking at a pamphlet, and other than the make up, I am going to get a mani/pedi and a massage. I don't want to paint my fingernails or toenails. Someone else can do it.. My calves are sore today from going to the gym, so the massage sounds nice. Funny thing, I had the same issue last Sunday. We left, and I ended up at Dana's. I guess I was not thinking and just drove there. I was there, so I might as well just watch the game there also. I knocked, and he answered the door in a tank top and sweat shorts. Wow, he is muscular. He saw me, and that smile of approval went across his face. I smiled back, for it is always good to see him. After the game, I made us a dinner from the little he had in the fridge and went home. I will take him food shopping this week and stock up for him It was a nice day. I enjoy just hanging out with Dana and think that I am going to start watching the games over at his place. It feels like home. Home is not just where you live. It is a place where you are totally comfy and at ease. I am at home when I am with Dana Love ya Tink Day 53 Hiya Pink Diva I have those cute green boots on now. I want to practice walking in them. It is easy once you get the hang of it. In a way, I see walking in these heels as writing in you. Once you get used to your new center of balance and new outlook, it is like you always did it. Day 54 Hugs Pink Diva I am Really looking forward to that massage. My legs have been aching all day. Just wanted to bitch to someone about it. Goodnight Tink Day 55 Hi Pink Diva I know the last couple times we talked were brief. Sorry about that. I am just looking forward to Saturday. It is going to be fun to hang out with the Girls and also Dana and his friends. It is going to be fun, and such an experience. I want to make sure that I soak it all in, for who knows when this will end. I know I will always be friends with them, but come on. One day, Dana is going to get a great woman. I will not be that close with him then. I know we will still be best friends. Yes, I said it, he is my BF, best friend. I am writing for what we talked about while shopping. After a nice home cooked meal, I told him get the keys so we can go shopping. He went to grab a ketchup which was not Heinz's. I made a joke about no friend of mine uses anything other than Heinz's or something to that effect. It was just a throw away joke for I love that stuff, it is the best condiment ever. He got quiet again. I coaxed out of him what was wrong. He talked a little cryptic. Ohh men, not being able to share emotions. It is about us not being this close and not spending as much time together later. I reassured him we will always be this close and I will always find time for him. People make time for what is important to them, and he is important to me. I think he found someone. I think that is great. I am getting a little sad thinking about it, but I know that it is not about the quantity of time you spend with someone; it is the quality. I should not be sad but happy, for Dana deserves to have someone special to share his life with. I know that he and I will always find time to have quality time together. I am off to bed. Just to let you know that my calves are not aching as much. Love Tink Day 57 I do not know where to start. First, I am not mad at Dana; no, not him, his actions, his actions, yes.I am mad at what he did. I am very confused right now. I still cannot believe it happened. I am in shock. Why did he do that? I mean, what made him think I would like that? I hope he knows that what he did does not change how I feel about him It is actually hard for me to say what he did, for I did not expect it. I cannot explain it, but he kissed me. He thought that I was gay, I am not gay. Why would he think I am gay? I promise you I will get back to you about the kiss. First I want to tell you about the day before the kiss happened. The spa was great, and I am going back to treat myself again to a massage. That gentle massage on the face as they were applying the cream was so soothing and relaxing. The mani/pedi was good also. I got so much dead skin off of my feet and it was soo soothing. I got some nail polish remover to use. Oh great, that is at Dana's. I was so upset while leaving, I forgot it, and also my clothes. I will have to talk to him tomorrow. I don't want to. I need time to talk to him. I love him and care for him but I am not ready to talk to him yet. I need some time. I know we will be able go back to how it was, for our bond is so tight. Why did he have to kiss me? Back to the spa. The makeover was next. I was a little nervous, so right away I blurted out this is for a costume party. The makeup artist said she already knew that, and not to worry. She did a great job. The dash of glitter she added to the blush was a perfect touch. She added some to my upper chest. I understand that it is for being Tinkerbell, but I just did not find it classy. I am a prude. After she was done, I looked in the mirror. She did an amazing job. I barely recognize myself. I looked like a woman who did not fix her pixie haircut. I was so happy, for I was not going to look bad for Dana. I did not want my appearance, demeanor, or actions to cast a bad shadow on him. I was his date, I mean guest, at this party. I went to Dana's, and he was already dressed as Peter Pan. He stopped in his tracks when he saw me. He was speechless and that made me feel good. I wanted to stun him. , I wanted him not to worry at all about me passing as Tinkerbell. I went upstairs and changed. I went back to the living room, and he had a small box with a green bow on it. He told me to open it. I did, and in it was a necklace with a Tinkerbell charm and a pair of Tinkerbell stud earrings. I loved them. When I saw them, I thought, 'two more items to add to the cute counter.' I gave him a tight hug and might have even kissed him on the cheek. I was just so excited and in the moment. Anyway that kiss was just to show my affection for him. He put the necklace on me, and that felt so good. I ran to the bathroom to put the earrings in. I put my old earrings in the box, and put it in my fairy dust bag. I was so happy. That little gift made me feel special, for it came from such a special person. That is what is driving me crazy about how I feel. I know he should not have kissed me, but still, it was only a kiss. We can talk and work it out. I just need time to process what happened. The charity event was wonderful. Everyone who was there had a great time and it raised a lot of money for the Pediatrics Unit. Dana and I mingled some, and then I joined the girls at the cash bar. We talked about all the costumes. We were in agreement that we were going to scream if we saw one more Cinderella, Elsa, or Sleeping Beauty. After a while, the girls wanted to dance and somehow they got me on the floor. I looked and smiled when I saw Dana watching us. Now I have to question, was he watching us or checking me out? If he was checking me out, me smiling and waving at him was not the right thing to do. That would be leading him on. We left the charity event, and back at Dana's it happened. We got there. I grabbed his hands when he was in the door, so I knew I had his undivided attention. I was going to thank him for such a great time. I did not say anything, for I noticed how clear his bright blue eyes are. Oh my, they are so clear. His head started to move towards me. My head... We kissed; no, he kissed me. I do not want to describe it. It was a kiss. I will say that I was shocked, angry, scared, hurt, and I felt betrayed, weird and flattered by the kiss. I will explain the last one. Yes, I was flattered, for I am actually in his league. I do feel good about that, A great catch of a man thinks I am good enough for him. That is going to help me on my date with Bridget this coming Saturday. Nothing helps a person's confidence like someone like Dana wanting them. I just said that I had to leave after the kiss. I went into my fairy dust bag to call a taxi. Dana said he would drive me home. He did not drink, so I agreed to it. On the drive home, Dana looked so sad. He looked like a rejected puppy. I so wanted to make him happy right then. He did not say a word. I tried to talk, but could not. I did not know what to say. I never had to let a man down that way. We stopped in front of my house, and I waited for him to get the door. I said, 'sorry, force of habit.' I told him that I care for him. He is dear to me, and I love him, and we will always be friends. I will always be there for him, and I will call him soon. I just need time. I walked to the door with tears in my eyes, for I knew that Dana did not believe my words. He needs to, for I meant it. I will be there for him. If he needs anything I can do, I will do it. He is so dear to me. He opened my mind and allowed me to grow as a person. I know so much about myself now from him, that he will always be in my heart. It broke my heart hurting him, but he kissed me. I needed time away, and he does also. I am off to bed Pink Diva. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Day 58 Dear Pink Diva I stayed away from you this morning, for I am not ready to deal with the kiss. I do not know how to go back to normal with Dana. I do not want him to feel rejected, for he is great. I am just not gay, and I am also not a transvestite, crossdresser or sissy. I bring up those three, for I talked to Stacy today. She brought over my clothes, nail polish, and makeup remover. I wanted out of Dana's so quickly, I forgot them. She is a dear, and I am happy that she is my friend, that I am still part of The Girls. We talked. She was confused about almost everything. Do you believe that they all thought that I am gay!!! They also thought that Dana and I were dating. I did get a little angry and asked if Dana said that. She said no, it was from how we acted together. How I raved about him when I was around the Girls, along with how Dana would talk to me around their husbands. Lastly, the looks we gave each other. I was happy that Dana did not say that, for that would have been the end of our friendship, plus I would have felt duped by him. With me dressing like Tinkerbell, how feminine I acted, and Dana liking effeminate men, I must be a crossdresser, transvestite or sissy. I told her I am not gay or any of those other things. I wished I did not have to do so. There is nothing wrong with being gay, so why should I have to feel like I need to deny it? I will say that them thinking we dated is messed up. There is nothing wrong with a guy talking about how great another guy is. There is nothing wrong with a guy putting a smile on the face of another guy just by being who they are. Dana and I just hit it off, and we have a strong connection. She told me Dana feels horrible about what happened. He should not, and I do not want him to. I told her I do also, but Dana and I are still friends, that it did not change anything between us. She told me I better tell him that. I assured her that I did tell him we are friends and will talk to him soon. I just need time. We talked so long that she missed brunch. I was not going to go. I told her to tell the others that I am fine, and I will be seeing them soon. I will not be at brunch next week. I am so hoping the reason why is that I am with Bridget. I am not planning to sleep with her. I just want the date to go so good that we end up spending Sunday together also. I am off to the gym, and hopefully running gets my mind off the kiss. When I get back, I will read you to see if there is something in you to help me figure this out. Bye Tink Day 60 Dear Pink Diva I know, I never got back to read you on Sunday. After the gym, I started to watch the football games. All of them were great games. I mean, I thought I would get to you when they had the Browns' game on in primetime, but even with them not having a victory yet this season, it was a good game. The game was a lot closer than the 35-3 score would indicate. Yesterday I went to the gym and was just tired. I promise you, I will read you tonight. I can't get the kiss out of my mind. I even thought of it when I was pleasuring myself. Do not judge me, I have needs, giggles. Oh, I did not want for it to happen. It had to happen, for sometimes right before climax, my mind wanders to the last time I did anything sexual. That kiss was my last erotic moment. That is the reason I thought of it. It is so vivid in my mind, it snuck up on me. Went from looking at a beautiful blond in green dress who was waiting for me in a bed, to seeing those clear bright blue eyes looking at me. The look those eyes gave me made me feel incredible. I would have stopped if I knew it was his eyes. I should have; they are so unique. I just did not recognize them Then just feeling the kiss. Then feeling that strong embrace of his. Why did I not notice how firm that embrace was? Why didn't I stop self pleasuring myself when I was thinking of being held that tight? No woman ever held me like Dana has. When I came, my mind thought of me pulling away from the kiss to look the lady in her face. It was not a lady, it was Dana. I had a smile on my face seeing his face in my mind. I have to go. I do not want to think or talk about that Kiss. Why can't I get it off of my mind? I must reread you to see if there are clues, but not right now. I am tired. Bye Tink Day 64 Dear Pink Diva Sometimes the best way to get the truth is by holding up a mirror to yourself. Bridget was that mirror for me when I was young and she is now. I just cannot lie to her for how her love and caring for me is unconditional. I am talking about a platonic love. She is not my best friend, but she is my closest friend, as I am with her. I know that sounds strange but we just have not spent that much time together to be best friends right now. In a way, she is the female version of Dana. Our time together went fine. If not for the kiss, it would have been a solid start to something. I know it, but I am happy that it did not work out. First, I need to be a friend for her, and second, she helped me see why I cannot get the kiss out of my mind. It is for I loved it. Yes I loved that Dana kissed me, and it was the best kiss I ever had. I hope I did not mess up any chance of it being something more by freaking out about how I felt about the kiss. I will see him tomorrow and hopefully he understands. This is so new to me, not only kissing him, but seeing how feminine I am. I will not bore you with what we did. It is not important, other than we went to the museum and I thought about Dana a lot there. How could I not? That is where we spent our first day together. Looking back on it, that was a date. It was the best first date I ever had. I smiled when I showed her that painting of the forgetmenots and heathers in a vase. She mentioned she remembers those are my favorite flowers. Come on, how many manly men have a favorite flower? I can be girly. If it was not for Bridget, the Girls, and Dana, I would be freaking out about admitting it. They love me for who I am. They are all great people, so me being who I am cannot be bad. So we get to her place and she invited me in to keep the date going. After a while, she laughed and said she guessed she was going to have to make the first move again. Yes, when we had our first kiss, she made the first move to it. The kiss was all I thought it would be, and this one did not come close to it. It was nice and I liked it, but it was nothing like Dana's kiss. His kiss is on my list. I did enjoy but found myself comparing her kiss to Dana's. I pulled away, told her 'sorry I cannot do this.' She asked if I was seeing someone, and I said No. That hurt my feelings, I would never do that; cheat. Plus, her saying that question made me know that I should be seeing someone; Dana. I told her that it is for I have someone in my heart. Like I said, I cannot lie to her. In some ways it is worse, I will admit things to her without much prodding. That is worse when you are a private person like myself. She hugged me. She knew that I did not know how bad I had it for Dana. She said tell me about her. I turned red when she said that. How can I tell her about a guy I like. I did not want to. She said if you want any chance with her you need to tell me, I can help. I mumbled that well, she is a guy. She heard me and did not judge me. I knew she would not, but still was scared that she would. I was afraid of being rejected by a lifelong friend. Dana must feel so bad about me not calling him.He must think that I am rejecting him. I will make amends for this. I want and need to. I want to for how much I care for Dana. I need to for what I did was wrong. It does not matter that I was not ready to admit how I feel. I should have done so, so he did not feel pain. I will tell him that we will have to take it at my pace. I told her everything about the last 8 weeks with Dana. How he made me feel, how I enjoy being around him, how I love how he treated me and how his smile makes me feel good inside. I even told her about Tinkerbell and showed her pictures. She did laugh again and said she should have known. I know her laughing was not at me, but I was confused on why she should have known. She explained about us playing house when we were small. Most of the time I was the housewife. She meant househusband, but I acted more like the wife. That I used to play cheerleader with her when she wanted to. I would play Barbie with her and would be the Midge doll when she wanted Barbie to do girly stuff with her friends. I would even play dress up with her. I said that does not make me like men. She said no, but it shows you always had a strong feminine side. She told me I even kissed like a woman. She did not know when we first kissed, for it was her first kiss also. She figured it out after kissing other people. My friend could tell that did not help me and reassured me she loved how I kiss. It is just that I am more gentle and not as aggressive as most other men. I would rather be kissed than kiss. I know what she meant after saying that. I admitted to her that I did like dressing like Tinkerbell. It felt nice to wear that dress. I do not know why it felt normal. I told her how much I liked how my legs feel shaven. They are so smooth. I even like the light fragrance of the perfume I wore over how strong men's colognes are. She said you need a plan. I said I know what I am going to do and it is simple. Dana goes to play golf every Sunday with his friends, and I am just going over to his place a couple of hours before he goes. I am not waiting any longer than I have to. I went home and started to write in you, Pink Diva. I did so for I so want to get to bed and tomorrow morning comes. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. The best part is, I believe that I am going to get the gift which I want. I am going to get my man. Day 65 Dear Pink Diva I am so happy. Everything went better than I could have dreamt. I got up at 6. I could not wait anymore. I did not know what to wear. I wanted to look nice for seeing Dana and I also wanted to show him that I want this to work. I also want him to know I am going to explore more about expressing my feminine side. The only girly things I have which I can wear were the necklace and earrings which Dana got me, and also my Tinkerbell panties. I did stop to get some bacon, eggs, bread and OJ on the way there. I want to make him breakfast. I am going to take good care of him. I was so excited picking up those groceries. I got to his house and was nervous. As I walked up I started to think what if he moved on from me? What if he did not want to be with someone who was still figuring out who they are? What if I was not as in touch with my feminine side as he would want me to be? I did not let my doubt weaken my resolve. I was going to see him and not let the chance that I blew it with him stop me from telling him how I felt. I did not want to be rejected, but I was ready for it. Dana needs to know it was me, not him, that ruined that perfect evening we had. I rang his doorbell. No answer. A minute later, I rang it again. Still no answer. I called him. He answered by saying, "I am not playing golf today, I am not in the mood. So please quit ringing my doorbell, Rich." I said, "This is not Rich and we need to talk." I heard his voice get some strength and a tone of disbelief. "Ben?", he asked. I told him, "Yes just get off the phone and let me in. We need to talk. I want to say what I need to say to your face." He opened the door and I walked in. He was still not awake, so he had a real puzzled look on his face. What was happening had him befuddled We started to talk. I will give you the talking points. He kept on calling me Ben at first and it was hard for me to get a word in. He wanted to make sure I knew how sorry he was about the kiss. I told him quit calling me Ben, I am not Ben to him and that is fine. I do not want to be a Ben to him. I told him to call me Belle. I know he liked effeminate men who really expressed their feminine side, and I am one. Ben is not a good name for one. I want him to call me Belle. It will help me explore who I am. He asked what? - he could not process what was happening. I said let me talk. I love you leading the conversation, but I need to lead this one, for it is about how I feel. Call me Bell, for I am and want to be your Tinkerbell. I want my presence in your life to lift you up and make you feel like you are like Peter Pan, flying. I want that, for I love you, Dana, and I know you love me also. I showed him the earrings and necklace he got me. I told him I wore them for I like how they look on me and I think he does also. I told him I am wearing the Tinkerbell panties for it just felt right and I like how they feel on me. I told him that I know it is only a week after the dance, but I am still shaving my legs for I like how it feels and makes my legs look. I told him we will have to take it at my pace. I also told him I will never freak out like that again if he gives me a chance. His love makes me feel so incredible about myself and will give me the strength to see where this is going . Most importantly do not be sorry for the kiss, it made me see how I feel about you and who I am. He replied that he understands my reaction to the kiss and that we will take it at my pace, that he is happy he was right about how I feel. He promised to treat me as good as he can as long as I would have him as my boyfriend. It was strange hearing those words, my boyfriend, but I loved it. I looked him in the eyes and walked over. I put my hands on his sides and hoped he would kiss me. He did, and it felt better than the first kiss. I felt my knees get weak (I so loved that) and Dana held me firm. The kiss went on, and I melted in his arms. I never enjoyed a kiss as much as this one. Dana is the best kisser ever. After the kiss, I said you go upstairs and get ready to play golf while I cook you breakfast. He said that he did not want to play golf; he wanted to spend the day with me, we need to talk. I said we will after he plays golf for I have brunch to go to and need to do something quick. I had another surprise for him. While he was taking his shower, Richard showed up. I answered the door when I saw it was him. His jaw dropped when he saw me. He came in, and I told him that everything is how he thought it was between Dana and me. He said he is confused and I giggled as I said you are not the only one. He went to call Beth. I stopped him, saying she will find out at brunch. I wanted to be the one to tell her. I get to see the look on her face when she finds out. Speaking of brunch, you should have seen the look of shock on the girls' faces when I showed up. They could tell by how I held myself and the smile on my face that I am with Dana. It felt so good to share that experience with them, to share the joy of them finding out about it working out. They started to call me Ben. I said no, I am Tink to you. I also told the girls about the surprise I have for Dana. I want him to come over and hand out candy with me dressed as Tinkerbell and him as Peter Pan. They loved it. Stacy said she can take a half day tomorrow to help me with makeup. I did not think of that but I will have to also. After brunch, I went back to the costume store and rented his Peter Pan outfit for Halloween. The clerk asked how my friend who is not my boyfriend is doing. I said well, now we are a couple and we are doing great. It felt good telling him. The clerk was so happy. He told me I was good enough for that stud. It was for one simple reason, I put a huge smile on his face. Thinking back on what he said, that was what I was really worried about, that I was not good enough for Dana. Like I said a couple of times before, Dana deserves the best. I need to believe what I already know. I am the best for Dana. I know it seems like a total 180 on Dana. It is not. I am just letting my heart see the truth. I had to, I felt so horrible this past week. I cannot deny it to others for if I do then I might start denying it to myself. I want this feeling I have right now to last forever. I never want to feel like I did this past week. I want to be this happy, and the only way is for allowing Dana to be what he is to me, my boyfriend. I wish there was a more adult term for people dating. Anywho, back to today. I showed up at Dana's and knocked after doing what I wanted to do.. He said, direct quote "Come on in, Belle. You do not have to knock anymore." I wanted to let you know, Pink Diva, those were his direct words. That gesture made me feel so welcome, even more welcomed into his home than I felt before. Even with feeling welcome and at home, I had no idea where to sit. I knew we had to talk about our relationship, but at the same time I wanted to cuddle up right next to Dana and feel his love. Dana smiled and patted on the couch for me to sit down. I sat on the couch and I turned my body towards Dana, I knew we had to be face to face while we talked. I was so scared and it took all the strength I had to reach my hands out to hold his. The fear went away as soon as his hand touched mine. Touching his hand felt right, natural and like we have done it for 10 lifetimes. We had a long talk about us. It really helped me make sense of the last 2 months. I never really realized that I carry myself off as feminine, and that is what caught Dana's attention when he saw me. I knew before our chat that I can come off as feminine, for when I message on threads or posts online, people mistake me for a female with how I talk, and my androgynous screenname. It is all making sense now, why Dana treated my like he did. He treated me like a woman. Pink Diva, you know that I so loved how he treated me. It made me feel so special. I never felt as special in my life as I do when I am around, wait for it, my man. Then Dana being sad when I said I was not in his league, he thought that was why I was not open to his advances. I was not open to them for I was in denial about how I felt about him and also who I am. I do not mean the type of person I am. I mean my gender and my sexuality. Am I a male or female? Am I just a blend of them, which is heavy on the feminine side for a male? I will find out with Dana at my side. I do not even want to get into sexuality, for I do not care what it is called. I do care that I am admitting that Dana does it for me. I just did not notice it, for I never felt attraction like that before to anyone, let alone a man. I do not want to get graphic, but, that first kiss got me aroused, but I did not get hard. (Sorry, Pink Diva, I warned you) I did leak some from my penis. That was where the weird feeling came from. I could not admit it. That was also why Dana was sad and talked about us not hanging out anymore. Dana needed space from the person he loved but who was not reciprocating the feeling. I felt so bad. He was hurting for I was not open to his advances until at his doorstep after the ball. I know I gave him a look which said kiss me. I did not recognize the feeling or look I gave him, for I was thinking I just want to be as intimate with him as I could at that moment. I know why it was so easy for the girls to accept me as one of them, and why I meshed so well with them. Why Richard, James and Gary were not the least bit concerned about me spending time with their wives. The compliments about how well Dana and I work together and got along. OMG, I know what Frank and Dana were talking about. Frank warned Dana not to hurt or use me. Frank would always try to protect me from someone breaking my heart. I have to call him after I write you. I have no idea what to say to him other than I am dating a wonderful man. Back to my time with Dana today. After we talked, I leaned into him and he wrapped his arms around me. It felt so good to be in his strong embrace. Did I ever mention that he is muscular? Giggle, I know I did. I told him about the surprise and he is so looking forward to coming over tomorrow. I told him he needs not to knock, to just come in. I do have one more surprise for him tomorrow. I am going to give him a spare key to my place. I know, Pink Diva, you might think it is too early. I do not. He is the right man for me, plus we have been dating for over 2 months now. I just did not know, giggle. When I left, he kissed me goodbye and I like where his hands roamed to. I like where my hands roamed to also. His butt is so tight. It is not hard for me to be open about my feelings for him, for he is so great. No, it is for he gives me confidence. He makes me feel strong. I am a better person with him in my life. I am off to bed, Pink Diva. Do not worry. I am not done with you. I still need to figure out who I am. So far we have just found out how to start that journey. Love Ya Belle AKA Tink I am off to bed now Pink Diva, I know I will sleep well for I will be in a cocoon of my love for Dana and his love for me. I also know I will have the sweetest dreams of him.