The Pink Diva Chronicles Day 44 65
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The Pink Diva Chronicles Day 100-107 free porn video
Day C
Dear Pink Diva
Today and yesterday were epic so I thought the best way to reflect
that right away was by using Roman numerals instead of Arabic in the
heading for this entry. Pete Rozelle used this trick to convey that
message about the Super Bowl. When I look back on my journey, I want
this entry to pop out at me right away.
I woke up early yesterday and could not get back to sleep. I was too
nervous and excited about meeting with Karen to. I know it was a
therapy session, but calling it that does not feel right. The time
with Karen was too casual, and also saying it was a therapy session
makes it feel like there is something wrong with me. There is not.
PD, back to why I could not sleep after waking up at 6. I just got
out of bed and started my day, instead of trying to get another hour
of sleep. I knew it would be futile to even try. My mind was racing
about how meeting with Karen was going to go. I knew that today was
going to have some breakthroughs. How could it not? First, I am
taking the step to talk with a stranger about who I really am. This
would be the first time someone meets me not as Ben. Well, not as the
Ben I thought I was.
It has only been 100 days since I started discovery of who I am, but
using the name Ben felt strange. I know that names are nothing more
than labels and do not make the person. Still, when I think of myself
I do not think I am a Ben. Also, the labels people give others is the
foundation on which they base how they treat them.
Stacy must have heard me go downstairs for she joined me as I was
brewing a pot of coffee. I know it is nothing major her coming down
to be with me before a big event. That's what friends do. Us talking
before me meeting Karen was major for it gave me the courage to dress
how I wanted. I wore a nice cotton floral top with slacks, which has
the zipper in the back and heels.
Getting dressed felt so freeing. Even wearing the bra was nice. I
know most ladies complain about wearing a bra, but I enjoy it. The
snugness of the bra just feels good. I know I do not need to have it
on at all for support and that might change how I feel about wearing
them, but now I feel the bra as a connection to who I am emotionally
with my body.
I left early, for I was looking forward to our session to start and
also in case if little stops came up. One did, for on the way I
needed to get gas. I could have waited, but when I saw I only have a
quarter of a tank left so I did what I normally would do. Instead of
paying at the pump, I treated this as normal and went in and got
smokes. Nobody said one thing. I did get a double take, but it did
not get to me. I know I am not a normal sight when dressed as Bella
and all he wanted to do was confirm he saw what he saw.
If am going to spend time as Bella in public I better not be
defensive about every little thing. I have to have the mindset of
looking at people's actions in the best possible light. If not I will
not enjoy being who I am and also it is not fair to people.
So my session went great. It was just two people having a deep
discussion about one of them. After a couple of minutes it seemed
normal for Karen to be taking notes. I know she is Dr Lutz, but she
told me to refer to her as Karen and I will. She needed to make sure
she had the information correct because even with this seeming like a
conversation, it was about helping me be who I am. The goal of our
time was not to make a deeper bond or become friends.
I would be worried if it felt that way. This is a doctor-patient
relationship. Little aside - too many people think that just because
a therapist learns the deep personal things about them, they are
friends. That would be bad. Friends do look out for what is best for
you, but at the same time if something touchy or bad has to be said
to you, they tend not to be forthright. They get worried about
hurting our feelings and we are more sensitive to what friends say.
I understand that a lot of businesses do make the illusion of a
friendly relationship. It is so easy now to do so, have it set up to
send an email wishing you a happy birthday, or sending all their
clients a Christmas card. Even with Karen helping me, it would be
just strange and inappropriate for me and her other patients to help
her celebrate her birthday or anniversary in any way other than
wishing her one if we know. This is from a person who looks for any
reason to have cake. Remember, I said that Dana's sweetie has a sweet
tooth. (I have to say this and it has nothing to do with the session.
I love referring to myself as Dana's sweetie.)
Karen did not bring up how I was dressed. I was kind of expecting her
to, but she waited until I did. She asked me how it made me feel. I
was truthful and told her overall great, but part of it made me feel
self-conscious - the wig. It felt like my hair was the wrong color.
In a way wearing that wig made it so I was not being true to myself.
My wig is blond and I am not a blond. I am a brunette. It just did
not feel right to have the wrong hair color. I know it is little and
maybe later I might try to experiment with being a redhead or a
blond. No, not now. Now is not the time. I am trying to find my True
North so it is not the right time to do anything but find the base of
who I am. I can build on that foundation later, but not right now.
This led to me talking about what I was wearing now bringing out who
I am more. I never did hide who I was, just never gave gender a
thought. I did not find it unusual to think I would so rock an outfit
a lady had on if I was a girl when growing up. I also thought how I
would want my body if I was a girl. I wanted long legs, curvy hips,
and be a little thick. I assumed all boys thought that way and knew
their fashion sense and what their dream body was. In a way I am
lucky, for other than the hips I am built how I envision myself when
I am Bella.
This notion of no real difference between the genders came from me
being raised that the only differences between them were physical. I
now think that lesson was wrong or I took it wrong. It could be that
my parents meant that all genders were equal and deserved to be
treated the same and I took it too literally. I took it that they
were not talking about equality but their qualities. I do know that
my gender is not male and that does not make me any different than I
was before I found who I am.
After my time with Karen was up, I left and on my way home stopped
and did some shopping at Giant Eagle. Stacy was a little shocked that
I called her from the store. I understand why, but I have such a
great support system it was easy for me to venture out on my own.
I saw that Sharon was working a cash register so I went into her
line. I just like being waited on by her; she is always pleasant and
upbeat. What she said was a perfect example of her personality. My
outfit which I was wearing was nothing special, but she told me how
much she liked it. That simple compliment was also words of
encouragement to me.
Spending time with James and Trisha was great. We ended up going out
clubbing. Trish brought up wanting to dance and that sounded great to
me. The night out was stressful, for we were not in a place which was
a comfort zone for me. I know, earlier in the day I was out and did
some mundane things as Bella. That is different than being in a truly
social environment. We were going to go to Kings and Queens but we
had to leave and went to Chemistry. More on that later.
Like I said earlier, having a great support system gives a person so
much strength. Even strangers that night were part of my great
support system. The doorman told me when I went in not to worry and
use the women's room. The waitstaff treated me like a woman, and most
of the customers did also. The other ladies on the floor danced with
me like one of them.
I only said most of the customers, for a couple made some snide
comments. Those words were a reminder to me that part of the
population will never accept me just being myself. Those words also
were a reminder that some people need to put others down to lift
themselves up. Even with those people trying to throw shade on my
sunshine, it did not work. First, the people I care about accept me
for who I am. Another reason was that people in their group showed
their disapproval.
Now on to why we were not at Kings and Queens. I saw Stacy and
Bridgette on the dancefloor. How close they were to each other told
me they are an item. From the reaction I received when I came home
catching those two just hanging out I know they are not ready for
others to know. I used James being uncomfortable as the reason I
wanted to go.
I have to say this - James is such a gentleman. He protested me
wanting to go. He knew that it would be more uncomfortable for me to
be in public as Bella. That was true, but I need to get used to it
and James does not need to get used to hanging out at a gay bar.
I do feel bad about not telling Dana. I do not like keeping anything
from him, but it is not my place to tell him. Also, that knowledge I
came across by accident and it would be breaking the trust I have
with Bridgette and Stacy. I know that my man will understand.
I also do not know how to bring up seeing those two lovebirds at the
club. Tell the truth, PD, I do not know if I should even bring it up.
It is their life so it should be up to them to tell who they want to.
I want to let them know I know for selfish reasons, so I can tell
them I am happy for them and also that I will be supportive of them.
Before brunch, Stacy and I talked. I saw the concern on her face when
I mentioned we went to Kings and Queens for a moment and it went away
when she heard we did not even stay for a drink. Then she was so
happy to hear about me going to Chemistry. She then joked about me
going to brunch dressed as Bella.
Even with it being a joke I did answer it seriously. That was because
I so wanted to go dressed as Bella. I would much rather dress as who
I am all the time, than only when it is convenient for me. I did tell
her that Bella would be around a lot more often when I am at home.
She said Tink, Bella is always around; it is just you are not dressed
like who you are. Those words touched me.
Brunch was as always great. I told the girls I needed to do something
with my hair. Stacy and Trish both suggested that I should go to
their stylist. Beth brought up a little chain of salons she read
about in In Pittsburgh magazine. The article was about a local chain
of Sassy Sally Spa and Salon. These salons were started by a
transgender lady, Sally Crawford. The article stated that most of the
beauticians working for her are transgender ladies. I called them
after brunch and set up a hair appointment and also a pedi for next
Saturday.
I really hope that they do a great job because I want to give back to
the community. It will also help me be part of the support system for
more girls like me. Even with not knowing exactly what I am, I do
know that I do not fit the common gender for my sex. I used common
instead of normal for I think even with it being rare, a female with
a man's body is normal. Just because something is rare does not make
it abnormal. If so, then left handed people would be abnormal.
Speaking of gender and who I am, Dana and I had a heart to heart
about it last night. Like I said, I do not know where this path of
self-discovery will lead me, but I want to make sure that Dana is at
my side. I know I am going to be showing more Bella all of the time.
It is scary for there is another chance for people to reject me. I
was scared that if this does lead to me transitioning to being a
woman that Dana might not want me anymore. Those fears were
unfounded.
My man assured me that no matter what happens he wants to spend the
rest of his life with me. That he never meshed with someone as good
as he did with me. He also thought about this because of how he liked
effeminate men. He knew that any man he was with might really be a
woman inside. He got a little embarrassed when he said this part. He
found it sexy to think of my body turning more feminine, for my
outside to match my inside.
I found it adorable that he became all red-faced about it. I
understand why, a person transitioning to the other sex is serious.
He knew that getting a sexual kick out of it might downplay what I
would be going through if I did transition. I assured him it did not.
That me being feminine was part of what attracted him to me, so me
going through the steps to show it should have that effect on him.
This did lead to us talking about Christmas. He wants to exchange
gifts with me on Christmas Eve and I agreed. I think it would be best
for us to do so on the day before being with family. It would make
our time to celebrate that Holiday just by ourselves. He hinted that
he has something special for me. I also have something special for
him other than the present I am getting him.
The gift is from what he has been eyeing up, a new set of drivers and
a putter. I know where he bought his golf equipment so they should be
able to make sure the drivers and putters are the right size. I am
excited about giving him those, but not as much as the something
special I have planned for him. I am going to give myself to him.
I so want to have sex with my man right now, but I know it would be
more magical and memorable if our first time was on a special
occasion. I want this to be the best sex either of us ever had. I am
going to get a nice sexy teddy and have it on under my robe. Then
stand in front of the bed and just take off the robe right in front
of Dana. It would be my way of offering my body for him to do with as
he pleased.
I better get going, Pink, because I do not want to go into any more
details. I try not to think of it that much for I do not want my
expectations to be too high. I know that sounds strange for I want it
to be the best sex ever; that does not mean I am expecting it to be.
Plus I do not want to be any more hot and bothered than I am now just
thinking of my man liking what he sees.
Off to take a cold shower and think of baseball
Bella
Day 103
Hey there, Pink
Bridgette knows that I know about her and Stacy. Stacy thought I knew
but when I said nothing about seeing them at Kings and Queens she
assumed I did not see them. Now Stacy knows I know also. I know this
last paragraph is a little confusing, well people trying to keep
things from others make life a little confusing. Hopefully you would
not be confused by the time I explain it all to you.
Bridgette was at the gym yesterday and Stacy and I saw her after our
spin class. As soon as she saw me she had her "oh shit, the gig is
up" look on her face. I gave away knowing for I got a little tense
being around those two. I did not want to let it slip. If I knew one
of them knew I knew then I would not have gotten tense. It would be
easier to cover up letting something little out.
Instead of trying to cover it up, Bridgette just told Stacy she would
see us at our place for we needed to talk. Stacy still tried to act
like nothing was up so did not take Bridgette's offer of a ride. On
the way home, she wondered out loud what Bridgette needed to talk
about. I know she was trying to gauge what I know and do not blame
her. I did not let on and did not speculate. I thought it would be
best if all three of us were there.
So Bridgette got there right after us. Bridgette just came right out
and said that I figured out that those two were seeing each other. I
said that I saw them at Kings and Queens on Saturday. Stacy stated it
was just two friends hanging out and dancing where men would not hit
on them. I could tell that Bridgette was hurt by the denial.
I stated that it was none of my business and that was why I suggested
to everyone we leave. I also reassured them no one else saw them and
left to respect their privacy. My little speech gave Stacy time to
sink in what her words did to Bridgette and she apologized and came
clean. She did the nice added touches of looking directly at
Bridgette when she said sorry and held her sweetie's hand when
telling me.
Stacy was worried about how to tell her friends. Even if she was
seeing a guy, I know she would have found it hard. This was happening
so close after her leaving Gary. Gary was friends with the group
also. Stacy has nothing to worry about. Bridgette was there for her
when she needed a friend and a spark between them happened.
I told Stacy just mention you have a date with Bridgette; you know,
do it just like if she was a man. There is no real difference between
two people of the same sex having a relationship compared to two
people of the opposite sex.
So with that being put to rest, Bridgette stayed and had supper with
us. I was so happy it did not take long to put it to rest. I did not
want any drama, plus it gave me time to go get changed into clothes
which fit who I am better.
So Pink I am off to bed and I will TWYS
Love
Bella
Day 105
It is Friday night and I am getting ready to join my man in bed. It
is going to be so hard for me to keep my hands off of him. I will for
I so want our first time to be perfect. I want it to rival a Danielle
Steele novel. He deserves it, plus I do also.
We stayed in tonight for I planned too much for tomorrow. I have my
session at 8:00 then my hair and pedi at 10. Then go home, shower,
and change. I might be brave, but I am not going to the tattoo parlor
enfemme. Then get the girls to go get the tattoo. I know this will be
a bonding experience.
If I was living as a female I would be en femme for the tattoo, but I
am not. Am I heading towards that? Dressing how Bella would dress is
so natural for me. I do not get any excitement out of it. Having a
dress on does feel good and I enjoy it so much, but I do not notice
it. I hope that made sense. When I am dressed like Bella, I feel good
but to tell the truth, I am not conscious of having those clothes on
any more than I am when I am dressed like Ben for work.
This past week, I only dressed like Ben while at work. As normal,
when I got home I changed into something more comfortable. This week
without even thinking of what I was going to wear, I just gravitated
towards something from Bella's section of the closet.
I am off to bed, my sweet friend.
Love
Bella
Day 107
Once again I am writing you from Dana's. I just wanted to spend the
entire evening with him. This has been another eventful weekend and I
needed his soothing presence. He helps me to stay grounded and I help
him to soar.
The session with Karen went well. Karen mentioned that she liked my
hair. I did not wear my wig and just teased it out a little. It made
me feel more confident having my hair color out. I know it made me
less passable, but being Bella is not about what other people think.
I told her about me spending my spare time dressed as Bella. Then we
got into if I would do so at work if I could. I told her the only
thing which is stopping me now is myself. Then we got into dressing
around my family. I told her if and when the time was right I would
do so. Then we got into when the right time would be. In my eyes the
right time would be if I was at the point where I was going to
transition.
The rest of the session was about transitioning. Why I would want to
and how far I would want to go with it. The reason why I want to
transition to living as a female would be when dressed as Bella is
when I feel true to myself. I want to present who I am to others for
myself. Being seen and perceived as femme should be the natural state
others see me in.
How far I would go was hard to answer. I felt like I was being cute
when I said I would go as far as seemed right. I never gave it much
thought. I know I would want to take hormones. It would make my body
more feminine. My skin would be softer, my body hair would grow less,
my muscle mass would go down and my body fat would redistribute. The
last part was a tactful way of saying I would grow breasts, and have
a nice ass.
Having SRS, I never thought of it. That subject needed to be talked
about, but still that is personal. I did admit that when thinking of
Dana and I together in bed now I do have a vagina. I was a little
flustered talking about that. Here was why I was a little flustered.
I so want him to fuck me. Yes, it was vulgar, but I want that man to
ravish me. I needed to convey what I wanted, so I did say fuck.
Going to Sally's was great and the owner was there. She was the one
who did my hair. She was larger than life and had so much energy. We
went with a bob. While styling it at the end Sally made sure I
understood each step she did. The best part is I can just comb my
hair back for when I have to portray Ben.
The Pedicure was even better than I remembered. I think because this
time I was not doing it for a costume, but for myself. I went with
Red for the polish. I was thinking green but just saw red and it felt
right.
I went home to get ready, then changed my mind. Sally did a
masterpiece with my hair and it would have been a crime to not sport
it for the day. Plus, nothing bad would happen if I went to the
tattoo parlor dressed like who I am. Pink, I am giggling right now
for I think I am the only person in the world who has referred to a
tattoo shop as a parlor in the last 20 years. I am making it sound
like we are in Victorian times.
I was right about nothing bad happening. Moose, the tattoo artist,
only had one thing to say about how I was dressed. He said it was
cool. A young guy was waiting to get his tattoo and he called me a
pretty boy. I would have bet that the tattoo he was getting was a
Chinese symbol he thought meant strength but really was the one for
stupid white boy.
Moose looked up and said he thought it was cool that I dressed how I
wanted to dress instead of following what society wants. He and I
then talked about being true to oneself was the way to happiness.
Moose was a CPA who always loved to draw, then he changed career
path. He hated the 9 to 5, wearing a suit and tie, people calling him
Mr Malloy. It was not for him. He felt that the business world was
more about Kabuki theater than actual skills.
Just in case you are wondering, Pink; I love the tattoo. It is simple
and elegant, Tink written in cursive with some fairy dust. It was so
great to show it to the other Muses and they put their wrists out to
show theirs also. The entire day we bonded but that moment was so
special. The smiles on our faces, and just knowing that we would be
there for each other from now on.
Afterwards me and the other Muses ended up going to the same Italian
restaurant where Dana and I first ate together. With me being
sentimental, I asked the hostess if we could get the same table where
Dana and I sat. I also ordered the same meal, the chicken parmesan
with lemony broccoli. It was nice sharing time with the girls yet
having a strong connection with Dana. It felt like he was there and I
know this is going to sound gooey, but he was. He was in my heart and
the forefront of my thoughts.
The other Muses I love saying that. I know I have been one for a
while, but now it feels official. It feels like I am not the new
girl. I know it is a friendship we will have for life. If something
is dear to one of us, then it is dear to all of us.
Then, after leaving the other Muses, (I do have to say that a lot
right now for I feel so good to be in this sisterhood.) I just hung
out with Dana for the evening. It was nice just to spend some time at
home, both of us just being ourselves. I curled up next to him and he
had his arm around me as we watched some college football.
Stacy took a huge step at brunch earlier today. The guys and
Bridgette did get a round of golf in today, for it was sunny. After
they were done they came in and the guys greeted their women with a
kiss on the cheek. Bridgette just stood there, then I saw the cutest
thing. Stacy leaned her cheek towards Bridgette and Bridgette got the
hint and gave her a kiss. Then Stacy got up, grabbed Bridgette's
hand, and told us those two were off to spend the day together. It
was so adorable to see them walking hand and hand out of the country
club.
Them being a couple was the topic of conversation for a moment.
Everyone was happy to find out the good news. The guys were happy for
they thought those two were a great fit for each other. The girls
were, for Stacy and Bridgette deserved to find someone who would
treat them good.
Tonight, I finally got to talk with Dana's sister, Elizabeth. I was
so relieved when she told me to call her Lizzy. I was warned not to
use Lizzy unless she told me to. Dana's sister only lets people she
likes use that. When she said that I knew right then she liked me.
That was important to me, for I know how much she means to Dana.
Plus, Lizzy is going to be staying with us during most of the holiday
season. She is ten years younger than him and in uni.
Telling you about Lizzy is a great reason for me to bring up Dana's
family. He is very close to his sister and mom. His eyes sparkle
whenever we talk about them. I know he has much love for both of them
and he is a momma's boy. He always talks about wanting to be able to
do more for his mom.
The dad is another story. He got very quiet and withdrawn when I
asked about him. All he says is one day he will explain. I will never
press him to.
Like I said, his sister is staying with us for part of the holidays,
but on the 23rd Dana will be driving her up to his parents in Erie.
Then on the 26th, we will be spending the day up there to celebrate
the Holidays with them. Whatever it is between him and his dad has to
be major, for I know that he would love to spend more time with his
mom and sister.
Well, PD, I am off to bed.
Muse Tink signing off
Gigi
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