The Pink Diva Chronicles Day 66-98 free porn video

Hey there, Pink I am so going to be using you for the foreseeable future. Everytime I find out something new about myself it just leads to so many more questions about who I am. Having your answers about who you are just leading to more questions is one reason I think many people are not introspective. It is for it leads to people having to do more soul searching and finding out things about themselves which they do not like or want to know, then they will have to make a huge decision- change what they do not like or do not want to know or ignore it. Change is scary to people so they do not want to see how they really are and which areas of their personality and being need work. If life is decent, people do not want to rock the boat. They think to themselves if it is not broke, don't fix it. They should instead think why settle for anything else than the best. While those questions will crop up in you directly and indirectly, I am not trying to be deep with you right now, and so will just talk about the last couple of days. Where to start? Well, it was great passing out candy with Peter Pan. I will get back to that later. It was great to spend some one on one time with Stacy. I was in costume when I greeted her. No, I am going to call it what it is, a dress.. I did not even think about answering the door of my home in a dress until she brought it up, then it was still no big deal. Like I mentioned to her, I did pay for the curry in a nice skirt and tunic combo. It is no big deal if my neighbors saw me, for it is Halloween, plus I like wearing the costume, (sorry, force of habit calling the Tinkerbell outfit a costume) a dress . It feels right to wear. No it is more than right- natural and comfortable. I do not even notice I have a dress on. I like how the costume, (no, I am going to call it what it is, a dress) fits on me. I need to get used to saying I like dresses and skirts. I like how they feel on me. I like how I feel in them. Lastly, I like the message it conveys to people who see me in them. We sat, had coffee before she started my makeup, and just chatted. I could tell something was on her mind. I asked her what, and she just did not seem comfortable talking to me about it. I was not going to pry, but I did tell her that she could share anything with me. Then she asked me what she should call me now. I told her Tink, for that is who I am to her. She said no your name, what is your name. I could tell that she needed me to just be who I am, so I said Ben. Before she could say what I knew she was going to say I corrected myself, call me Belle, that is what my Dana calls me.My friend smiled and told me she did not mean to push me into anything which I was not ready for. I got what she meant right there, my feminine side needed a name. Tink is a nickname for when us girls are the Muses. Belle is Dana's pet name for me. Ben is not fitting for when I am expressing my feminine side. I looked at her and told her Belladonna, so call me Bella. She smiled and said you need not force the name it is fine. Today is about you, so let us just drop it. I could not drop it, for my friend needed to talk, plus Belladonna is fitting for me and how I feel in a dress. I feel like a beautiful woman. That is my name, at least when I am fem. I told Stacy my name is Belladonna and why. Hearing that made her forget what was on her mind for a moment and put a huge smile on her face. Then she wanted to know all about Bella, and started to ask the first of what she wanted to be many questions. It was a simple one - how often am I going to dress?? I giggled, for I am a little nervous. Yes, I had a nervous giggle instead of a laugh and I like it. I told her this is so new to me that I did not know; all I did know was that I like how I felt right then, how somehow I felt even closer to her now than before and knew it would not be if I was dressed like Ben. Yeah, I refered to my male side in the 3rd person. I know he would joke and say I know how being a superhero feels. It is nothing like that. It is not that we are the same person, I mean we are. I do not know how to put it right now other than being Ben is more of an act for me than right now being me in my new nightie (more on that later) writing in my Pink Diva. I told her I do not know, this is new to me. I do know that I will make the right decision for I have friends like her, friends who will be there for me. So let me be there for you now as you will be there for me when I need it. Stacy got a sad look on her face. I am not going to go into that much details right now, for Stacy asked me to keep it between us. I know you are not real, Pink Diva, but it still it would not feel right to tell you too much. She and Gary are having issues. He was not truthful about where he was on Saturday night. Men sometimes want to fix everything, and if she felt I was more Ben than Bella she would not have opened up to me. She just needed someone to hear her out, so I was there for her, so she could make the decision of if she was making too much about it. That maybe he went to do what he said and those plans fell thru, so he just did something else. That he did not say the changes after she asked about the night, for it was boring. Still, I think he should have been truthful about Saturday night. This is between me and you, Pink Diva I think Gary is a lying sack of shit. It did not add up when I saw it on Sunday but he gave Dana the 'you are killing me' look, drop it, when my man mentioned it was nice to see him, for it has been a couple weeks. I just chalked it up to Gary not liking to show any form of affection. He is the only one of Dana's friends whom I never saw initiate showing a little sign of affection to his wife. Now I think he told my friend that he was going to hang out with Dana. That would be perfect cover to do anything. I hope I am wrong, and he just hung out with some other friends when Dana did not answer the door. It was time to start the makeup and with me admitting to Stacy I will be expressing Bella. I helped her. I have to say it was fun putting on makeup. Stacy and I are going shopping this weekend for my own makeup kit. Then she mentioned how I have been losing weight and it happens we go to the same gym at the same time. Stacy takes spinning classes, so I am also going to sign up for them. I agree with her, it is going to be nice for us two to just spend time together. We will be able to form our own personal connection outside of our group. Dana came over and for me this was big, I greeted him with a kiss. Then we held each other's hands. It was big, for without thinking I was affectionate with him around Stacy. I know she is a friend, but still this is all new to me. It is normal for anyone to be self conscious doing something new with other people around. Then again, even with it being new, it felt like Dana and I always show each other our affection. It also felt right, like a missing part of me was here. We had a blast as we passed out candy. Only one of the people who knew me recognized me. I asked her not to tell anyone. If any of the neighbors asks who was giving out candy at my place to me, I want to tell them it was me and my man. It was fun also to see the smile on Dana's face as he asked the trick or tweeters what they were. He was so funny when instead of asking he would take a guess. He would make it wrong on purpose and the kids would correct him and they would laugh. One of the sweetest things to hear is a child laughing and calling an adult silly. I like that Dana has a silly side. After passing out candy, Dana and I just spent some time together. I gave him an extra key to my place. I will be getting one for his place the next time I see him. I know he felt no pressure for how casually he said it. I wanted him to spend the night. No, get your mind out of the gutter, Pink Diva, I do not know if I am ready for that right now. Of course when someone says that they do not know if they are ready, that almost always means they are not. It is just that they do not want to admit it. The reason I am not sure if I am ready for us being as intimate as two people can get is not for my feelings for him. I know right now that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to grow old with him. I know this is cheesy, but I know the best is yet to come with our time together. I am not ready to be as intimate as two people can because I need to know more about myself. I want our first time with me being who I am. I do not want to have me be Ben in the bed if I am really Belladonna. It would not be fair to either of us, would not make the time together as perfect as it should be and in a way it would cheapen it. I want our first time together to be as special as it can be, and that makes it worth the wait. I know it seems like a huge leap with me questioning my gender, my sex. It is not. I know I feel right when I am around Dana and I act and take the more feminine role. I know I feel right when I am hanging out with the girls and they see me as one of them. I have never been this happy and content as I have been in the last couple of months. It is from me being who I am for once. Now I just need to know who I am. Back to wanting him to spend the night sleeping here. I so wanted to wake up with him and us start the day together. I also want that to be special and it would not have been. It would have been both of us rushing around to get out the door. It should be us easing our way into the day. It will happen when it should happen. I am off to bed. Sorry that I did not get to the nightie, or my phone call with Frank. I promise you I will tomorrow. Day 68 Hiya Pink Diva As promised, I got back to you right away. I know that in the past I did try to run away from you when I got close to finding out something new about me. It was for I did not know what really was going on. I did not know how much discovery I had to do. I was scared, for in some ways I was finding out my life was not what I wanted or the truth. First, my nightie or should I say my nighties, I bought myself a couple of nighties. Both of them are plain; when I say plain, I mean monochrome, one light purple and the other cotton candy pink and only a little lace on them. I do like the spaghetti straps and the little bow in the front of the cleavage. I know the bows are a vestige from a time when they actually served an essential function. When they were used to tie together the nightwear. I also know the word for something which is retained but no longer functional and is just a stylistic feature, skeuomorph. Thank you YouTube channel, Today I Found Out, for giving me that bit of information. I do not care that they serve no real purpose other than making the nightgowns a little more cute. Like I said, I like cute and sorry, I am not giving a total anymore of how many cute things in my room. I just will say that I added two more cute things to my collection. I like them and how they feel. I will admit it feels a little funny wearing one. Not for they are for women. It feels funny for I do not have the right underwear to match. Yes, I need to go get panties. I am hoping when we go shopping for my makeup kit that Stacy will not mind me picking up some more cute feminine items. I know I say cute a lot and I like cute. This is more about just feeling and being cute. That is part of me and I like to feel and be cute. In a way it feels like my default setting. It might explain why I always felt a little uptight. I was not in the right mode. It would be like a car driving in the wrong gear, catching and grabbing all the time. Here is why I saved telling you about talking with Frank until today, PD. We did not talk that much on the phone, he told me to come on over today. . What I wanted to tell him was not something which should be said over the phone. Well, I don't think it is. This is for more than it was just me telling Frank about who I am. It is me sharing with Frank. I am opening up to him and we should be face to face for that for we can. I did go visit Frank today after work. It was great to tell him about Dana. I did not know what his reaction would be. I know he would accept me, but did not think he would be as happy as he was for me. That felt nice, I felt accepted by him for who I am. It might be crass. I think he summed it up the best when he said I do not need his approval of who I fuck, he is just happy that I found someone who I want to fuck and be with after I fucked them. Yeah, three f bombs in one sentence. I always thought he was the Oscar Wilde of our generation. After we talked about it a little more, it was back to normal for us. We talked football, and he said he missed me at the bar. I told him Dana and I will soon come down. He joked about me being on a short leash and we need some time, just the Riverview Crew. He is right, but I want the rest of the crew to meet Dana again as my boyfriend. Before I left, Monica, Frank's live-in girlfriend, came home. She asked me what was new and I told her about my man. I thought she would be shocked, but she wasn't. I looked at Frank and he swore he did not tell her. I then looked at her and she just said woman's intuition. We started to talk and Frank left the room. I know he did for he saw how good Monica and I were getting along. We did not force him out of the conversation, it just went to emotions, or how Frank put it, woman talk, so he was not drawn into what we were talking about.. He wants his friends to get along great with her, so he was happy to see us click . He wants her to feel like part of the group when we get together. Friends and family are important to him We chatted for a while. It was just so comfortable for us. I told her all about Dana and even about Halloween. I did not bring up Belladonna, it would not be right. I need to know more about myself before I talk about her openly to someone who is not as close to me, like Monica. We made plans for her to join us at the bar this Friday. I think it will be great. Monica and I can get to know each other better and my friends can get to know Dana better. Day 70 Hey there PD, I know I have not talked much about Dana this week. Do not worry, I still think of him a lot. It is nothing new so I did not put the details in it. I write enough in you, just think if I put everything down. I know it has not even been a week since I told Dana I love him. It still has really changed the dynamics of our relationship. We talk on the phone everyday, and he sends me texts out of the blue. I also do the same to him. They put a smile on my face. Heck, thinking of him puts a smile on my face. I am writing you before Dana shows up to pick me up. We are going out to eat before we meet up with my friends. Dana asked me out all formal-like. It was so sweet, he asked if he could take me on a date. I know it is not our first date, but let's face it, a girl loves to be asked out by a man. BTW, the spinning classes are great and fun. It is nice to work out with a friend, it makes it feel more like fun than work. I know I still have the same goal of losing a couple of more pounds, but it also helps strengthen a relationship, so it is not as much of a chore. Yesterday Stacy and I ran into Bridget and those two hit it off. I just had to mention it for I love when my old friends get along with my new ones. Day 71 Yesterday was a little strange, it was for in a way I took a step backwards in showing my affection with Dana in public. At first I chalked it up to nerves. It was fine at home, but I know it was more than nerves. It felt wrong. No, no no, do not even think that, Pink Diva. I love him with all my heart and soul, in a way he brought me to life. He helped me see who I really am. It is just I could not be that person while dressed like Ben. Well, at least I cannot be just yet.. The night was great and all my friends were so happy for me. I got teary-eyed when they were. Even Eric, with that almost eternal dark cloud over his head, was happy. I would have laughed when he said Dana and I being together touched him for he is such a romantic. He actually is and in one way that is why he is down. My friend pines over the one who got away. He plays Boys of Summer on the jukebox and sings along to himself the part "one day I am going to get you back, going to show you what I'm made of." I would find it adorable, if there was a way for him to do so. No one knows where Heather, the girl he is lovelorn over, is; she could be anywhere. If someone came up to me and told me she was in the Painted Desert doing a vision quest, I would believe them. All I know is that she needed to get out of town to clean her head and stay away from her demons and she left. Back to the night - Frank did bring Monica, Scott brought Paige, the girl he is seeing. So it ended up us three girls forming a little group while the menfolk formed another one. Paige is so sweet and naive. I mean naive in the nicest way possible. She had a sheltered life with a deeply religious family before she moved here. So her social experience is more formal and rigid. Paige does not have any inhibitions about making sure not to say something which could be taken wrong. I was happy when she said nonchalantly, talking to me was like talking to a girl. Most people would never have said that right away to a man they just met. They would be scared that they would hurt that man's ego. Monica just gave a look when she heard that, for she knew about Tinkerbell. I think her woman's intuition was starting to add up I am not the normal gay man. Dana came over and asked the girls to excuse us for a second, he needed to talk with me. He was laughing and his body language was very relaxed so I was not concerned. My man asked me if I would like to host a party with him. I jumped at it and said yes. He then asked how long it would take to plan a nice relaxed get together for about 20 people. I told him I could do that in a week. He said good. Then he asked if it was fine, if he invited my friends over for a get together so they could meet his friends. I was so happy I let out an eek. We both looked at each other and laughed at that sound. I then said yes. Then he got a better idea, we asked them together as a couple. It was the right way to do so. We are one in a way. That is what we did. It was so nice to be next to him as we requested their presence at Dana's house in a fortnight from tomorrow. Before the night was over, the groups merged. It was nice being next to my man but something was missing. I know it was. I could not figure it out. Anyways, I was really touched when Liam told me I had a catch. I looked at him funny, for he is a little homophobic, and by that I mean he is just a little uncomfortable around gay men. He then said, well, Dana is a great guy and I am happy that you have someone great in your life. That took strength for Liam to say, the true strength that one does not get from lifting weights. Well, in a way it can come from working out for it takes discipline to commit to lifting weights on a strict regimen. That discipline helps to form character and Liam stepping outside of his comfort zone to say that shows he has good character. We were leaving, and Dana and I walked out hand in handIt still felt right, but not as right as it should have felt. That something was still missing. It did not feel as casual as it should have. On the way to the car, I think I figured it out. This was the first time we held hands without me having anything feminine on my body. I know they are just clothes or accessories, but in public I think I need a conduit to connect Bella with the outside world. In a way, as Bella, I am like Paige, naive. Then I am also a little scared. My fear is the side of me of Bella might not be real and is just a way for Ben to accept being with a man. I know that fear is unfounded. I just need to be myself more to know I am who I am. Dana walked me into my house. I kissed him as soon as we got in there, I was a little shocked. I never really initiated kissing when I was in any relationship, yet I jumped on Dana, wanting more. It felt so good. I am not going to get too graphic; , our kissing and tender embraces rapidly shifted up a gear to heavy petting. I stopped it right away when I knew I wanted to go further. Dana was such a gentleman and I told him I had to talk. Of course he was fine with that. We talked about taking this slow, and I do not want him to think I was being a tease. It is just I need to be more in touch with Belladonna our first time. He totally understood and told me I was worth the wait, that our relationship would be built on trust, friendship, compassion, companionship, affection and understanding. Sex will come if and when it does. A tear came to my eyes when he said that. He was not worried about sex at all. He wanted us to be in each other's life as that special someone. Dana then said, he knew the party was two weekends from now but he would love it if I spent all of next weekend at his place. We could start getting the place ready, and more importantly, we could start the day together. I let out another one of those eeks. I am off to start my day shopping with Stacy. It is just going to be us two girls. I hope she does not mind me dragging her to many different stores today. TTYS Bella. Day 73 I know, it is Monday and I usually get back to you Sunday night; but I was too tired from the weekend to do you justice with what I would write. Plus I wanted to just soak the rest of the weekend in before I told you about it. The day with Stacy was great, I never thought that I would enjoy shopping as much as I did with her. Well, do not get me wrong, the shopping was fun, it was not what made the day. Spending the time with Stacy and becoming closer to her was what made that part of the day special. We will be spending more time together, for we agreed it will be three spin classes a week for us. I do want to lose a weight a little more quickly. I have to say this on shopping, there was just something nice about finding the right piece of clothing. Then having someone tell you it is right for you and them asking you for your fashion sense on what they were thinking of buying. I know I did shopping before with Trisha. This time it was different. It was not for a costume, it was for my wardrobe. Yes, my wardrobe, in some ways it was hard for me to say that to you. It was not for that I did not like everything I bought today. I did and I am looking forward to wearing them. Saying my wardrobe has led me to an existential question, who am I? I know a name is just that, a name. It does not make me who I am, but it does represent who I am to others. Still I have to question am I Ben, Tink, Belle or Belladonna? Am I just a conglomerate of all those names, with them just being a different aspects of me? I will say I am not at my happiest when I am Ben. Do not get me wrong, I love being Ben. I have a good life as him. It is just I am happier when I am not him. I am so much more at peace when I am around Dana, his friends and the other Muses. I know I am not Ben then. It is like, Ben is good and I can have a good life with him. I know I can have a better life as those other names. It will be hard if I am not Ben, but I cannot let the good be the enemy of the great. Even on Friday having that great time with my friends, I was not all Ben. I was more Belladonna. They did not notice, or if they did, they did not care. I was just myself and I did feel myself glowing. Yes, I was glowing. PInk Diva, you know that no one who is a Ben should glow. It should not matter who I am other than I am happy but it does. I need to know my true essence, not so I act how I should. I act how I should just being and not thinking. I need to know so I can better have my physical self be an extension of who I am. I am not in the mood to talk about this now. I do not know if I am strong enough to express who I am in public. I do not know if it is a want or need. I just want to be happy. I know I have to talk about this more, but it will be at my pace. I will not rush becoming who I always was. Yes I said was. I am changing but not changing at all. I am recognizing who I am and people see that as changing. It is just letting my true self shine. Back to shopping, I went a little overboard with my purchases on Saturday. It is no big deal, just a dent in my vacation funds. I have been saving for a vacation, which I was not taking for years, so in a way I just finally spent some money on myself. The best was I actually tried on the clothes. I could not believe that I did, I mean I could not believe I was not scared at all. Also I asked Stacy if she minded if I tried them on. She was happy for me and wanted to see how I looked. I know I did not look my best, my hair was not right and no makeup, plus no pantyhose or the right shoes, but I felt my best. I understand why I was not scared now, a guy is not going to be buying dresses. skirts, blouses and tunics for a woman. The sales ladies all knew they were for me. Also, I had the support of a dear friend. Having a good person at your side makes one brave. After getting home from shopping, I started to rearrange my closet. I now have a Ben section and Bella section. I called Dana to see if he wanted me to come over. He laughed and said of course. I did wear one of the blouses over. It was a light purple one with a floral doodle design on it. It felt right having it on. Even with it feeling right, I felt concern what other people would say. I was going to have a coat on and hop in my car. No one would see me, but I felt a little shame. I could not help but think that people knew. I know I would not have cared if any of the girls were with me, or even Bridget. Now if I was at Dana's side, I know I would feel proud of how I looked in it. Light purple is a good color on me. When I got to Dana's I was nervous taking off my coat. Too much could have gone wrong. I do not even want to discuss it. Dana smiled when he saw it and said I looked nice. That was all which was said about it and was enough. We just relaxed and watched some television. We also talked about the party. We were so worried about it going right. I still am. I want our friends to get along, I want them to have a great time at the party. I want to be a great co-host. The worst thing about fretting about this get-together was if you think about it, hosting a good party is easy; you have free food and drinks, along with your friends on your side . People want to have a good time. If I was thinking, I would have stayed on Saturday night. I wanted to, but did not have a nightie. I almost did not let that fact stop me, but I also did not have anything to wear for brunch on Sunday. Sunday was a normal Sunday, well, almost normal. Dana did pick me up to go to the country club. He was such a gentleman, he picked me up and I came out to get going and he still got out of the car to open the door for me. I loved it. I want him to do that all the time. He also said, if I did not mind if he came for me, he wanted to come to my door and do it properly. My heart skipped a beat when he asked that. Trisha and Beth were shocked when I told them about shopping. They so want to see the outfits so they are coming over on Thursday night. They wanted to on Friday but I told them I had plans to stay at Dana's. Then some good natured razzing started. It was back and forth between everyone. How razzing should be. After brunch, Dana asked if it was fine if we just spent the day at my place. That was a good idea for we are going to have a couple of busy weekends ahead with the party. We got home and I asked Dana if he could turn on the coffee for I wanted to change my clothes. He turned a little red and admitted that he was hoping that I would say that. He quickly apologized. Like I said, he is such a gentleman. This was cute: he then said he should hope I wear nothing. He turned beet red, and started to apologize again. I laughed and told him I knew what he meant. I told him that I wanted to change and it is fine if he liked and hoped to see me in a dress. He started to talk more and I just walked over and kissed him on his cheek then told him, don't worry I want to change. I want to show you some of what I got. I told him it was going to take a couple of minutes for I wanted a little makeup also. I came down the steps in my chambray blue bell sleeve tunic dress and he looked up. My heels were clunking on the steps. All he said was wow. I loved that I made him give that response. We talked a bit before we started to watch football. It was about doing things, and not just sex, at a pace which I am comfortable and the only thing Dana wants is for us to be together. The talk made me know whoever I find out I am, it would be the right person. The rest of the day was just natural, I know I use that phrase a lot. All we did was watch the games and I enjoyed being myself, nothing special. It was just nice being curled up next to my man and making sure he was being taken care of when he needed or wanted something. I find it comforting to take care of him. The weekend was great for not what I did, but who I did it with. Also the bonds of friendship being built and made stronger. I am off to bed, Pink, thank you for listening to me. Opening up to you has made me start to open up to myself. Day 75 I know I mention some things in passing to you, Pink Diva, and that is just not right. I said the Muses a couple of times and never really explained them, I know. I said it is like the female version of the Three Musketeers. It is, but so much more. I am honored to be a part of it. Those three have been friends since their freshman year in college, and until me they never even thought of adding someone else. They did not even think of adding me, it just happened. No discussion -one just said Ben is one of the Muses and the others agreed. I laughed at thinking of them calling me Ben as I wrote that. Being a Muse is something for life; we are going to share the rest of our lives as sisters. We have unity and I want to show it, so I am going to get a nice cursive tattoo of Tink with a couple of little stars on my inner wrist. This is important to me, a little reminder of who has helped me find this wonderful life which I am making for myself. I am proud of myself, for I am not worried about who sees it; in fact I want people to know I have that connection with the girls. I know I do not bring it up, but we use the nicknames all the time with each other. I might put down Stacy in you, Diva, when talking about her, but my mind is thinking Mony, Mony as I write it. I like the tight bond I have with those three. Speaking of Mony, Mony we ran into Bridget at the gym. I did invite my old friend to the party and Stacy was just as happy as I was about Bridget saying yes. I am happy that Dana and she are going to finally meet. I also want her to meet the other Muses for how great her and Stacy get along. I will talk with you soon, I need to take a shower and get ready for Dana coming over. Ta Ta Bella Day 76 One more day until I spend the weekend at Dana's. I know this is not my first time sleeping at his place, but the other time I did not share a bed with him and this time I will. Stacy came over to my place right after spin class. It was just easier for her and I also do not think she wanted to go home. No, I know she did not want to go home. She and Gary are in a rough patch right now. When she is ready to talk about it, I will be here for her. Of course, Beth and Trisha would be also, but it seems like Stacy and I are becoming best friends. I know Dana is my best friend. I mean like best girl friends. I mean our friendship is like that of two woman, not a man and woman. Oh that is hard to say, for I am not a woman. I know I have a feminine side. With having that and questioning who I am, I should not say I know. I do not know. I do know that someone who is all man would not be in a nightie writing in a diary. Stacy used my shower and when she came down told me, we need to do another shopping trip. I loved shopping with her so without thinking, I agreed. Then she said I need better shampoo and conditioner if I am growing my hair out. I agreed and she then said we will also get you some nice shower gels, bubble bath, and a bath bomb. I actually got a little excited thinking of it. I thought how nice it was going to be to have the right hygiene products to express my feminine side. I know, what is a bath bomb? Well, it is a more intense form of a bubble bath. I say more intense for it is not to just relax in but also to rejuvenate and exfoliate the dead skin for a more vibrant look. I did not even think of growing my hair out, but I am. I had not had a haircut since 3 weeks before I met Dana. It is the longest I ever had it. Also, after she mentioned it, I did not see myself getting a haircut. I got ready also. Yes I did some makeup for I wore leggings and also that light purple tunic which I wore over to Dana's with flats. Stacy said wow, when she saw me. It was a different wow than Dana's, but it still felt good. She then offered to style my hair. I really got excited inside and said yes. I felt my hair did not look right. She did my hair and added more body by using round brushing and my blow dryer. She added hair gel, spray mousse, a better hair dryer, and iron to the shopping list. As she styled my hair, she was giving me pointers so I could start doing my hair more femininely. Then the topic went to what I really needed it to but do not want to talk about, where is this going. I know I have to know, but it is just coming naturally now so I want nature to take its course. I told her right now, I do not know. I just want to express who I am at the moment when I can. Me showing the girls my new wardrobe, of course I was going to express Belladonna. Then she told me it is not the clothes which make me Belladonna. I knew that, the clothes are what I want to wear. It is my physical expression of who I am. I then told her about the tattoo. Stacy told me I do not have to do it, I was a Muse without it. I knew that I want to do it. She said she wanted to be there when I got it. I want her there and I also want the other two there also. This is more than a tattoo; it is a ritual, a sign of me being part of that tribe. It is only right that the others share the moment with me. Beth and Trisha showed up and were shocked to see me all done up. They were so happy for me. I was happy also. I know I have been saying happy a lot in you, but I have been happy. I need to make sure my mood is shown in you. When I go back to read you in the future, I want to make sure I know how full of joy this part of life was. After making a little bit of a deal about how I was dressed, we looked at my wardrobe. Then I told those two about the tattoo. They got teary-eyed and said they were going to be there. These girls are important to me and I am so happy that I am getting a mark of unity on me. The night ended and Stacy left last. I told her I am here for her if she ever needed to talk. She said she knew and just me being there right now is all she needed. I am off to bed for I have a big day tomorrow. I have to run home right after work, pack my weekend bag, and get to Dana's. All my love Tink Day 78 This is how life should be, Pink Diva; the feeling of contentment, happiness and belonging I have right now as I write in you. I never felt as happy doing nothing in my life as I am at this moment. I am just curled up on the couch next to my man who is enjoying playing a video game. I will say that when I first started writing in you, if someone told me that I would be happy with the intense intimate feeling of caring and having a connection to a man I would have run away from you. I would not have been able to handle it. Now it feels weird to think that I tried to make that kind of a connection with a woman. I think that was part of the issue, I just assumed I was a heterosexual man. I tried to be what I thought I should be, instead of just being me. I know I never really showed any of what people would say were the common signs of I don't know what. I just don't know what to say. I do not want to call it gender confusion in laymen's terms, for I never questioned my gender. I just accepted I was the gender people told me I was. Looking back some, I see I always had a strong feminine side, but people used masculine terms to describe it. I excelled in writing at school and the teachers said I was articulate. If I had a woman's body it would have been that I knew how to express my emotions. People said I was tolerant of others instead of I was empathetic. I know people say word choice is not important for words are subjective, but that rings hollow to me. That rings hollow to me for there has to be group consensus on what words mean for there to be any meaningful communication between people. The bigger the difference in the meaning of the same word between people, the bigger the misunderstanding will become. Consider this, if a man stands up for what he thinks is right, he is assertive while if a woman does she is a bitch. You can't tell me saying someone is assertive and another is a bitch for doing the same thing is not important. One describes an action with a positive connotation while the other describes the same action with a negative one. So word choice does matter, for it leads to our thoughts, and our thoughts lead to our feelings and our feelings lead to our actions. This circle can flow the other direction and start at any point, but words are how we express our thoughts. I know it is more complex than what I just wrote. There are so many other factors which contribute to communication. That is why I do not know what word to use, I want what I say to be correct with who I am and I am still finding that out. Using the wrong word will give me the wrong mindset. I need to be mindful of who I am. Well, back to my point before I got lost in the jungles of my thoughts. I did not show any of the noticeable signs that I am out of the range which society deemed acceptable for the gender which was assigned to me at birth. The signs which people see as huge indicators of a person's gender are usually superficial. They do not make the person the gender, instead the person's gender makes them show those signs. I have no idea why I did not, other than fear. Not fear of rejection, but fear of feeling like a fool. I promise you, Diva, I will get to you tomorrow morning before Brunch, I want to cover the last two days. I got sidetracked trying to figure out what I would say I am. Love ya Tink Day 79 Good morning, Pink Diva, See, I kept my word. Before I got to you, I woke up and watched Dana sleep a little, then I made my way downstairs to start the coffee. Now I am sipping my coffee while gathering my thoughts to put in you. This weekend was great. The reason it was great is for we did nothing to make it great. Being in each other's presence was enough. Dana suggested that I leave, buy a new toothbrush when Stacy and I go shopping, and I leave the old one here. I told him if I do so then I would have to buy double the toiletries and he quickly told me he was hoping I would say that. He has two dressers in his bedroom and one of them is now mine. I know I called it his bedroom and it is. I also know the day is far off but I am looking forward to the day that is our bedroom. We made plans for the party, and Dana was excited about my idea of it being an English pub theme. We will have some IPA, bitter, stout and cider along with beer, wine and hard liquor for our guests to drink. The hors d'oeuvres will be mini beef Wellingtons, mini Yorkshire puddings with Parma ham and sour cream, chicken madras egg roll and mini veggie Cornwall pasty. I was concerned about the amount of alcohol we were going to have to buy to have that large selection. Dana said not to worry about it for we will be having get togethers over the holidays. I did panic a little bit thinking of the holidays. My parents, Dana has to meet my parents. I do not know what they will say. I do not know how to even bring it up. I mean, for lack of a better term, I will be coming out of the closet to them and also saying here is my boyfriend. I will stop over to my parents this week and tell them I have a guest to bring for Thanksgiving and who he is. This sounds bad, but to butter them up I will mention he is a doctor. Speaking of parents, Dana never really talked about his. I asked him where we were going to spend Thanksgiving. It ended up it will be at my parents. Poor Dana does not have a relationship with his mom, and his dad goes on a cruise for Thanksgiving. Dana opened up to me and he grew up in a very dysfunctional family. His mom was verbally, mentally abusive and a drunk. His dad got strong enough to leave her when he saw the effect of the abuse on his children. I said too much, even with Dana saying it is fine to write about it in you, it is his story not mine. I will say this, I will make sure that Dana and I have a strong and healthy homelife. Back to the party, we have the house looking great, and I have my Saturday planned to cook and get the place ready. Dana wanted to cater the party. There is no way I was going to do that, I love to cook. Plus, I want the memories of our first party together to include us talking about how everyone raved about my cooking. It will make looking back at the party more special, for the food came from one of us. Plus if Dana helps a little we can say our cooking. I am off to help my man greet the morning with a little breakfast in bed Might be back later Tink I made it back, wow. I knew it needed to be done. Thanksgiving is only 12 days away. I called my parents in the afternoon after doing some shopping with Stacy. I asked my mom if they were doing anything this evening and the answer was, of course, nothing. I told her I was coming over. Before you say anything, I do go over a lot. I just did not bring it up for nothing special ever happened when I went over there. I love them and they love me. There is not much to say other than the normal visit of a child to their parents' house. You know, hearing the same stories the same time. One of them asking me about someone I met once when I was seven and them being shocked with if I remember them and also being shocked if I don't. Pink, I am going to cut to the chase: their reaction was surreal. I know I did not tell them all, there is no way that I was going to drop about my feminine side in on this talk also. No big reaction, oh I am happy for that. I do not want drama, but it was like I told them it was sunny outside. My dad was impressed that I, in his words, "snagged a doctor", and he was serious. My mom also seriously said I better keep an eye on my sister, Gail, for she might try to steal my man. They did ask one thing; for Dana to come over before Thanksgiving. They do not want him to feel like a stranger in their house on a holiday. Oh, they were happy for me and we talked about him, but it was nothing to them. I am happy, so happy, for I want them to like him. I want them to see how good he is for me, and if they are positive about us being , then it will be easy for them to see that. I also have to tell Gail and Russ, my sister and brother. I will be inviting them to the party. I called Dana right after my parents and he talked me down from hyperventilating. I am nervous telling Russ; he is born again. I asked if I could invite them and of Dana being Dana; he said the right thing. Only if I wanted to. I am off to bed, I need the rest. I am a little drained from looking towards the holidays. Good night Tink Day 81 I so needed spin class today. I needed to get my frustrations out. I also needed to spend time with Stacy. Her just being my friend is support enough. I needed that after how yesterday went. I saw my sister and then my brother and his wife yesterday. Seeing them went opposite than how I thought it would. It was amazing how your siblings can still surprise you for the better or for the worse. Gail looked at me in disgust when I told her about Dana. I asked her why she disapproved, and she said for it is unnatural and sickening for two men or two women to have sex. The only reason why I was with a man was for I could not please a woman. Also, not to expect too much interaction with her while I was under the delusion that I wanted to be with men. I was shaken and on my way to Russ's, I thought I was going to lose both a brother and a sister on the same day. If my sister had those views on gays, how will my brother react? It had to be worse than hers. Shame on me for thinking the worst about Russ and Carmen. Those two were so supportive. When I knocked on their door, they could tell I was upset and they invited me in. I did not want to go in. I could not. I needed a quick escape after they told me I was going to burn in Hell. I said I would rather stay out here and tell you what I have to say. Russ was really distressed at me saying that; he believed my announcement was something big and bad. I knew that is what he believed the news was. I said "Russ, sorry, but I am gay and I have a boyfriend. I am so sorry." When I saw how mad my big brother got, I believed my expectations were right. He told me to get my ass in there right now for we need to talk. Carmen only heard Russ's use of a swear word and told him to watch his mouth. I listened for I am his little brother. It is funny, even as adults, sometimes people revert back to the roles they had when they were children with their brothers and sisters. The first thing my brother said was he loved me and I never need to be sorry for who I am. That he was disappointed in me for not telling him sooner. Before he could continue I told him the story of the last 3 months, even about Tink. I started to cry for I thought this was the last time we would talk. That was it, if my brother was going to disown me, it was at least for the entire reason. It was not in spite but so at least it was for who I am. Carmen came over and gave me a hug and told me everything was alright. Russ did also, then I brought up how they saw me as a sinner. He then told me yes, but he was also a sinner, we are all sinners. The important part is to love God and love one another. Two people in a loving relationship cannot be a sin in his eyes, so I am not a sinner for being in love with Dana. Plus, even if our love was a sin, it is not his place to judge others. His wife agreed. We talked some and they are so looking forward to meeting Dana on Friday We are coming over to their house for dinner. Them saying they were happy that I found someone special was so important. Again, Russ went back into the big brother mode. He asked me if I was seeing a psychologist about my gender dysphoria. That just brought up the internal question I had been having and doing my best to ignore. I did not want to deal with it then or now. I told him I need to first get a base of who I am before I do so. I know he is right and I will look into it next week. So the gym today was what the doctor ordered, from dealing with my sister and knowing I had to confront who I am.. It was good to be next to a friend just spending time together. No judgement, no facing the facts, just time with a friend. The gym was nothing groundbreaking, but it is the little things in life which make it great. Day 83 Before I start, Dana's last name is Hewson. I know I have been telling you all about him and I never said his surname. That was rude of me. I bring up his last name for he came over last night and he brought a toothbrush; more on that later. He was so nervous about meeting my family. He wanted them to like him. I kept on calling him Dr Hewson when reassuring him until he started to laugh. People will laugh when the person they love is just being silly. I know he is worried about my sister, and he just does not want to cause disharmony with my family. He will not; he has done nothing wrong. It will be Gail. She is in the wrong. Another part of that worry is my man also wants my family's approval. Dana just wants to make sure he is also in that part of my life. Back to the toothbrush; yes, he brought a toothbrush and a change of clothes with him. He left the change of clothes in his car at first. Like I said many times before, he is a gentleman. Dana mentioned that now he can stay over when he has a change of clothes. I said too bad you do not have one for tonight. He smiled and got the clothes. I was so happy. He spent the night. Sleeping in his arm is so rejuvenating. Again being a gentleman, he told me he would take the clothes he wore today home. I told him no way, I would wash them and give him a drawer. Went to spin class today and I feel so bad for Stacy. Something is up between her and Gary. He told her some bullshit that he has to go on a business trip and leave this Friday. It is bullshit for he is leaving Friday after work. He does have a business trip to do QC at a plant, but he would not leave until Monday. His company is not going to pay for a weekend of putting him up at a hotel. Plus he would tell them he was not going to waste a weekend away to do prep work he could do at home. At least Stacy cheered up when we ran into Bridget. Bridget mentioned it would be fine, for those two can spend the night getting to know each other better. I am so happy those two hit it off. I know I am sounding selfish; Bridget is going to take Gary's place for the golf foursome. I thought good, we will still have brunch now. I felt small thinking about brunch and that is why I wrote it. I know too many people just put the good in diaries. Even now I am trying to sanitize that thought by saying it would be good for Stacy to have brunch with us girls. No, I thought that for me and right then I should have been thinking of Stacy. Yeah, Pink, I am human. Yeah, I was selfish, I know why I wanted the brunch, I want to be around the girls on Sunday to find the right mental place for Dana meeting my parents on Monday. I do not need it. I put my want in front of a friend's need. Stacy will need us more that day and I was thinking of making it about myself. I know people need to be selfish, but a person needs to know the right time to put the needs of others or the group above their own. Saying this, being there for Stacy will help me find the right frame of mind for Monday. I will be not thinking about (I never thought I would be saying this) how my dad will treat the man I bring home. The worst thing is, I think I am going to be embarrassed by my Dad asking Dana so much about being a doctor. I want my Dad to like Dana for Dana, and not for being a doctor. I am off to bed. This is a big weekend and I want to be rested. Day 84 Quick little entry - I have a busy day ahead of me. Dana went to cover a shift at the hospital. He felt bad, but he is a doctor and that will happen. I got having the place ready for the party covered. Well, I should say Stacy and I have it covered; she is coming over and going to help with cooking and to do any other last minute preparations which need done. Nothing major should be needed. I want to tell you about dinner with my brother and his family before we hosted the party. I would not do the dinner justice if I try to do it with talking about the party. How well it went deserves more space than I am going to give it. It was nice that they found common ground for they have someone they care for in common. Thomas, Peter and Angela are my nephews and niece. How Russ introduced Dana to them set the mood for the time together. He told them he was Uncle Ben's boyfriend. It felt good that he was out in the open about it and that was the only talk about the relationship that night. Those three treated him like they would any adult, boring until he found common ground with Tom and Spidey. Hey I am Uncle Ben so I have to call Peter Spidey. Those three are fans of the Marvel movies. Angela wants to be a doctor to work with the poor and Ben promised her no matter what, he will help her however he could. He meant it; if for some reason it does not work out between us, I know he will keep his word. That is why I know it will work out unless I mess it up. Russell and Dana got together fine. By the end of the night they were at ease just joking around. Carmen pulled me to the side and told me I have a keeper. She also said she never saw me smile so much as I was that night. I told her that it was from love and it is the same smile she has on her face I see when she is around Russell. I want to say more but those details will just bore you, PD. Let's just say there was much laughter at dinner last night. I will write in you tomorrow night, for I know I have to share the party with you. Love Ya Belle Day 86 Hiya Pink Diva So anything new with you, me not really. You know the same old, same old. Had a bunch of people over for a party and it went better than I could had imagined. Yes, I am so happy the party went great. Dana and I were nervous at the beginning, for we wanted our friends to get along. Stacy was also a little nervous, but I think that was more for she helped with the food. By the way she looked stunning tonight. Stacy had nothing to worry about with the food, we did a great job at making it and it was a hit. I know the food was not the most important part but I am talking about it next. It was for how nice it was cooking it. I was dressed en femme while doing so. It was only leggings and a tunic with a little makeup and my hair done, but I like how I felt. Speaking of how I was dressed, I took what I saw as a big chance and wore panties and stockings at the party. For some reason, I just knew I would feel more confident and myself if I did. I was right. I so enjoyed how I felt. Anywho, the party went great. The atmosphere was jovial, the air was abound with laughter. My friends and Dana's friends mingled and got along great. I am thankful for fantasy football, for that was the common ground which started their talk with each other.There is even talk of my friends and Dana's friends forming a league together next season. Even the ladies started to mingle with each other via fantasy football. The ladies talked with each other trying to figure out the allure of it. Dana did a great job at being the host and I did a great job at, for lack of a better term, being the hostess. He made sure that people felt welcomed and comfortable. He was also awesome at helping people who were introduced start talking to each other. When it became a conversation between those two he would just slip out of it. I found myself watching him and just having a nice warm feeling seeing him be such a charmer. Me, well, I made sure the food and drink never ran out. I also made sure that the mingling was happening with the ladies. Then the common ground they had expanded to other interests. I will say watching new friendships start from something you did makes a person feel good. I think the strongest connection was between Bridget and Stacy. By the end of the night those two were having their own private party. The part I liked the most was Frank came to me when the party was winding down. He wanted to make an announcement. In his words, he did not know when he would see his new dogs again (Yeah, he can be cheesy) and wanted to share something with them. Monica and him got engaged, but she took off her ring for the night so they did not make the party about them. That was so touching they put others in front of themselves. Then it was even more touching that they wanted to share the good news with their new friends. He was welcoming them into our group. Frank made the announcement and everyone cheered. I was by Richard and he mentioned how that was a classy move by Frank. The strange thing was I so wanted to look at the ring. I broke down and gave it a glance when I thought no one was looking. I am telling you, Diva, it took all my willpower not to ohhh over it. Beth came over a little after I saw it and talked to me about it. She knew I wanted to. Yes, I was excited. I wanted to gush over how pretty it was and was able to. I was also happy for she told me it was an asscher cut. We then started to talk about Stacy; Beth shared my concern about our friend. We shared the opinion that her husband is up to something. A business trip would not be 5 days and the first 2 was nothing to do with business, Plus it was on Thanksgiving week. It had to be something major and Stacy did not indicate it was. How well my life and Dana's are merging made me feel vindicated about all the decisions I made since the day we shared a drink together. Well, tell the truth, a great guy bought me a drink so he could spend time with me. He just saw something about me which he liked.He said that I carried myself in a feminine manner. I feel this party was one of the many benefits we will both reap from us sharing our lives together. I mean the best things in life are laughter, good times and being surrounded by love and support and this party had all three of them. Sunday was a lazy afternoon after golf/brunch. I do want to say that James and Richard were great with Bridget. I knew they would be, but it still needed to be mentioned. Well, I am off to join my man in bed. Yes, with being off all next week, I am just staying at Dana's tonight. Tomorrow is another big day; my parents are going to meet Dana. It is the holiday season, so there will be many big days ahead. Day 87 I did a search for a psychiatrist and found what was supposed to be the best gender specialist in the area. Her name is Dr Karen Lutz. I have a consultation with her scheduled on Dec 7. I am nervous, but looking forward to talking with her about what I am going through right now. Yes, I know I have a gender issue; , issue is the wrong word. Saying issue has the connotation that it is bad because I fall outside the normal range of a man on the gender spectrum. It is not common, nothing more and nothing less. I do not see it as good or bad. I do see me accepting it as good, for I am becoming closer to my real self. Dinner with my parents was great. My mom is a great cook, but we had takeout. It was the right call, for it gave the meal a very casual atmosphere. It was not about the food, it was about people spending time together to get to know each other. The food was an excuse to be in each other's company. I swear those two liked Dana more than any of the girls or ladies I brought home. My dad told Dana to call him Stewart and those two talked so much. While I helped my mom clean off the table, she told me he was a keeper. I shocked myself when I answered back right away with, "I know." Oh, it is not for it was a big revelation, I already knew that. It was just how natural it came out. It was not in my normal tone of voice. I did not think I would be so comfortable saying that to my mom. My mom did not bat an eyelash, and trust me, my mom noticed the difference in my voice. We stayed out in the dining room for we heard the men really enjoying each other's company. Plus, we felt a different kind of closeness with each other and needed a little one on one chat.. We both knew that we had the same role in our relationships. This was not in a bad way. My mom treated me more like her daughter than her son. It was a little thing, like her saying Dana will treat me well, instead of make sure you treat him well. I did like it. My mom jokingly asked if I would be with the ladies helping her in the kitchen some. I eagerly said yes. Here is why my mom is great, she insisted it was only a joke and I need not be away from the other men watching football. I told her I wanted to help and was looking forward to the time together with her. I enjoy cooking. We talked more directly about the dynamics between Dana and me. My mom was not only supportive, she was also happy for me. She talked about how being yourself was important to happiness and also a strong relationship. The discussion led to my mom making a supportive statement which I was not ready to hear my response to. She told me the role you have in your relationship does not make you any less of a man. I told her, so what if it did? That is where the conversation got serious. Mom got very apologetic for she thought I took it the wrong way, that she was questioning my manhood. Then, it all added up to her. She got a smile on her face, hugged me and reaffirmed I was right and her love for me is about who I am. I never felt as close to my mom as I did at the moment. I also never felt as loved and protected by her. Another reason my mom is great. She knows what to say. She can walk that fine line of acknowledgment without intruding. She know it is not her place to start to talk about the subject, but let me know it did not matter to her..Also she was there for me when I was ready to bring it up to her. More importantly she wanted to let me know me being male or female is not important to her. She loves me and wants me to be who I am. I know that she knows. Somehow it all added up to her at that moment. They say that mothers know their children better than anyone else. I think there is some truth in that statement. It is not some magical ability which all moms have. It is from how much a mother's love is unconditional and they care for their sons and daughters. That caring leads to an in-depth and profound understanding of their children. The night ended with all four of us in the living room. My dad did embarrass me a little. I was shocked that he was able to by doing something so innocent and nice. He told Dana and me not to be scared to show affection at his home and a couple in love should make show it whenever they can. It makes sense, my dad's stance on little signs of affection, my dad is not the best with verbal communication of his emotions. Oh , he is good at saying affectionate remarks but almost never is the one who initiates it. He does begin the nonverbal communication of his feeling non verbally. When my mom and dad are out in public, his hands always reach out to hold her while they are walking. I was happy to find out that Bridget and her Mom, Ms Crilly, are coming over for Thanksgiving. It will be like old times other than Mr Crilly not being there. Day 89 Tomorrow is what I used to call gobble gobble day. I was young and used to walk around the house saying gobble gobble. I love Thanksgiving, for it is simple, just gather friends and family and have a feast; but at the same time, it should be a needless holiday. Each day we should be thankful of what we have. In life, too many times we get wrapped up in what is not important and forget how fortunate we are. It is easy not to be grateful when we pay more attention to what is insignificant than to what is significant. A family tradition I love - we all bring part of the Thanksgiving feast to our parents. I always bring the breads, rolls and a non- traditional dessert. Not everyone likes pumpkin pie. This year it is a chocolate pie; not a normal one, there are seven different forms of chocolate in this pie. I have been eyeing it up and this is now my chance to have a piece of it. I am trying to lose weight so I have to pick and choose when I have sweets. That is hard for sweetie has a sweet tooth. Pink, I know I should have started this entry with what I am about to say, but did not feel it was my place. I am just going to be straightforward, Stacy is leaving Gary. She found out that he was not on a business trip when his work called. They needed him to come in for a day and called the house. It was not a shock to her, for Stacy had suspicions about her husband being unfaithful to her. I do not like to talk too much about how others are feeling, but needed to here. My friend is so devastated, distressed and depressed, I need to cover it, for I am all those things for her also. I will be there for her. She is going to stay with me for as long as she wants. I was not going to take no for an answer. The last thing Stacy needed was to be dealing with the breakup of her marriage alone during the holiday season. Being alone is fine most of the time; it is not when one feels lonely. Stacy needed support right now. She will be coming over to my parent's for Thanksgiving. Again, something I was not going to take no for an answer to. She fought accepting it until I told her Bridget and Ms Crilly were going to be there. Hearing about the other guests perked up her spirits some and made her open to accepting that she was coming to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I guess it was for she was not going to be out of place there. My parents believe that family is beyond blood. Stacy is family, so she is coming. BRB, someone is ringing my doorbell. That no good SOB, Gary just came to my house. He tried to invade the safe place I made for Stacy here when I told him to leave. I would not allow him in and when he said he had the right to talk to his wife, I informed him, no he did not if she did not want to talk to him. Communication is a two way street and never directly contact someone who does not want to talk to you, unless that person interacts with you directly or indirectly. That is what got me mad. I do not care about his verbal attacks on me. He is a small minded self-centered person who was upset that he was not getting his way. He really thinks that I care about his opinion of me or if he puts me down. I should not say this, but he does not understand that Stacy is done with him. I know that for how she talks about him, disappointed and sad about the ending of their love and marriage. What is missing is anger towards him as a person; his actions, yes, but not him. She made that decision to move on. I back her up not for I think it is the right decision, but that it is what she wants. He made a mistake trying to come into my house. Oh, I did not hit him but he found out I am not a "delicate little flower of a man." I am a man, yes, but I am no male. Males protect and females defend. Defending is more intense and protective. I was like a momma bear and he was trying to walk into my den - bad move. One thing, I am happy that he did not make a scene when I stepped outside to talk with him. He was smart enough to back down. I wish he had not tried to do that macho thing and try to steamroll me into getting his way. I do not care that he came over; he had the right to try to talk with his wife. I do care that he tried to use physicality to get into my house. He might still love her and had made a huge mistake, but he does not have the right to be heard out again by her. If he was truly concerned about what was best for her, he would give her the time and space she needed. I am laughing now, for Stacy is the one who needs support, yet she was there for me after he left. I needed to be talked down, I was so emotional. I wished Dana was here to talk me down, he has such a calming effect on me. My man knew that Stacy needed time with me so he did a double shift at the hospital. He also did it to help others get home to prepare to do tomorrow what we should do each day, enjoy the presence of our loved ones and give thanks. Day 90 Happy Thanksgiving, Pink Before I tell you about my day, I want to say what I am thankful for in my life. My health, I am not only talking about my physical health when I mention this. I also mean my spiritual and mental health. I have never been in such a good place in my life. The best part is I know it will only get better. I am thankful for my friends and family. Until I accidentally started this sojourn of self discovery, I never realized the great support group I have. I am blessed that somehow I surrounded myself with a good circle of friends. They bring out the best in me, and I hope I bring out the best in them. I am thankful for Dana; he is special. He has all the great qualities a woman can ask for in a man. He is kind, charming, caring, and compassionate, just think how long this list of his good qualities would be if I also used words which did not start with the k sound. I know I should not be joking. I am nervous with how easy it is for me to be in touch with my emotions. I always was, but saw it as being passionate. Sometimes it is a little difficult to accept how strong my feminine side is. Back to Dana - he is patient. He is still waiting for us to consummate our relationship. I am not ready and he is not putting any pressure on me about it. I want our first time to be perfect and also I need to know more about who I am before opening myself up to him in that manner. Like he said, why ruin the chance of having something great (our relationship) just for a moment of carnal bliss. My man sees the progress I am making and knows the payout is worth it. I know it is a subject I will bring up with Dr Lutz. Put it simply, I do not like that I sometimes get an erection when we are passionately kissing. It ruins the moment for me, reminds me I am a man. That really bothers me for it feels like a lie. I know sex with Dana will be me opening up to him like a way I never did so before with a man. Yes opening up is meant both figuratively and literally. Having a sexual relationship with someone is opening yourself up in such an intimate manner on an emotional level. That is why biblically "known" is an euphemism for sex. I also mean literally for I always think of him penetrating me and not the other way around. I so hope he does not want that, I do not think I could do that. It just feels wrong thinking of it. Dana should be in me, not me in him. There is so much more I am thankful for, but the last thing I am thankful for which I will mention is how honest I am being with myself. I am facing many difficult realizations about who I am. They are hard for they are showing me I was not who I thought I was. Even with them being insignificant in the big picture, how much society puts an emphasis on them does have an impact on me. I am lucky that I work for an university, so if I am gay or transgender I am protected by their discrimination policies. I do not know what I am yet, I might be a gay crossdresser or a straight woman in a man's body. I use those descriptions for a lack of better terms. I do want to say one thing I do know I am, and that is happy. So if I did not work for a place with a liberal policy on giving their workers protection, I would have to worry about losing my job. Think of it, in this day and age people can still get fired or not hired just for who they are. That is sad. Now onto Thanksgiving - it was nice waking up feeling Dana's arm and seeing him next to me. I do sleep so much sounder with him sharing my bed than by myself. It is a little hard to explain, I feel safer with him in bed with me. I feel watched over and I need that right now. With Stacy staying at my place, it was easy to go to the gym this morning. We both motivated each other to go. If she was not here it would have been easy to just sit at home and enjoy the rest which comes with the holiday. We did not, we both have goals, and if we want to make them during this season, we have to put more time and effort in obtaining them. Overall Thanksgiving at my parents went great. I only say overall for Gail has something up her ass about me seeing a man. I would have never expected her having issues about me having a man, for one of her best friends is gay. Well, I should say a person who used to be one of her best friends is gay. I found out today those two are not on friendly terms anymore. I will say it was kind of strange her being there on her own. This was her first holiday with the family since she and Troy separated. They were together for over 15 years, yeah highschool sweethearts. I know she has taken it hard, but that does not explain how shitty her attitude was towards me and Dana. I did not care that she tried to make me feel unwelcomed when I went out into the kitchen to help Mom, Carmen, Ms Crilly and her. She mentioned how it was more about woman talk and bonding than helping. Mom mentioned that most of the talk was about their man and I have one, plus it would be nice to bond any of my children. I did notice she did not use a masculine pronoun or the masculine word for child when referring to me What got me was she gave the cold shoulder to Stacy. Stacy was a guest at our parents' home and that was no way to treat a guest. Gail was raised better than that, she knows better than that and she is better than that. At least, I used to think she was better than that. Ms Crilly was happy for me. She told me she believes he is the one for me. It was from the smiles we had on our faces when we look or think of the other. It was also from how we complement each other so well. Mr and Ms Crilly did give each other that special smile but they did not complement each other. They were both career driven and 5 years ago Ms Crilly had a chance to move up the corporate ladder by moving back and did so. I am happy that they are still on great terms. She called to tell him about me and Dana. I talked with him and of course he thought Dana was a woman at first. He was taken back a little when he found out. It was from him not expecting to hear I was with a man, and I made sure he knew I understood why. I do not want to dwell on the negative but Gail did try to stir it up between Russell, Carmen and me. She mentioned how she thought it was not appropriate for Dana and I to hold hands in front of the children. 'How about the children' is the last resort of the scoundrel. Russell just calmly said he saw nothing wrong with his children seeing two people in love showing affection, and Carmen agreed. I am proud of him taking the high road and also trying to stay as neutral as possible. This is not between him and her, so their personal relationship should not be affected. He told her he does not agree with her and that is all he should do. If he does not want to hear her keep on putting down my relationship then that is an issue between them. But her not liking it is not and should not be one. That is all I will bring up about Gail, for she quieted down after that. One was for mom had a talk with her and two she left right after the meal. I do wish I knew what she has against me being happy. I do wish to know why something which does not affect her gets to her so badly. I do not care if she does not like who I am dating and the reason behind it, just do not be so vocal about your disapproval. During the small talk after the meal my dad and Dana were talking about golf. Dana then asked Bridget if she wanted to be the new regular in the Sunday foursome. Not only did that make Bridget happy, it also made Stacy happy. It had to make Stacy feel better about herself getting the support of the guys. The guys do not want anything to do with that rat Gary. I do not blame them, if they did they would have their ladies mad at them :-). Being serious, the guys are also friends with Stacy and they did not like how he treated her by seeing his personal assistant behind his back. A little aside and I know it is none of my business. Why would Gary do that not only to Stacy but himself? He works in production planning for Paulson Corp and he has mentioned that his direct supervisor, Tim Rodgers, is in line to be the next CEO. He also mentioned that Tim is looking to get out of the rat race. Something about Tim wanting to slow down his pace of life and enjoy it. That fool had a chance of moving up, and getting himself some on the side ruined it. That company will not take the unwanted chance of moving a potential sexual harassment lawsuit higher up the management chain, especially his boss. Gary always talked about how loyalty is important to Tim. Gary showed disloyalty to his wife, himself and his friends, that rat. It was a great day and I loved being around my extended family. Ms Crilly is like an aunt to me. I am happy that she came this year for Thanksgiving. She should have the last 4 years but she thought that she lost her connection with my family when she moved away. She did not. My mom and her are like best friends Well, Diva it was a long day and I am off to bed. Love ya Bella Day 92 Good mid-morning to you, Diva Yesterday Dana and I had our first real fight, disagreement, or issue. Oh, don't worry, we worked it out by the end. I say this was our first for I do not count what happened after our first kiss as a fight, disagreement or issue between us. That was all three of those between me, myself and I. The action did bring it to the foreground, but Dana was not involved in it. It was about my upcoming therapy session with Dr Lutz. We talked about it when I scheduled it and yesterday Dana told me if I liked I could have the session today. I was a little shocked when he told me that and asked him why. He used a favor to get her to see me at her home office. I was so mad, I know his heart was in the right place but I do not want preferential treatment just because I am seeing a doctor. It is not fair or right. I also did not want him to take the lead on my journey of becoming who I am. I know he is in the lead of our relationship and I love it. I am in the lead of this self-discovery. We came to a very quick understanding; it was still emotional. I cried and he wiped away my tears. It was just how casual he said it that made me think he was not taking into account the pace I wanted and needed to take on this journey. I know he respects it and he just wanted to help me get there as fast as possible. He knows in a way I feel a little lost and just wanted me to become more assured of where I am going. From now on we will be more open and serious when talking about my gender issues. I do joke about it some with Dana. He might have thought the sooner the better for me. I just want to stress his heart was in the right place and he saw the error of his way. Also it was not a big deal for it came from a misunderstanding. Another great quality he has is he is humble, he will admit when he was wrong and why. Dana knows I am in the lead and he overstepped his bounds. I did talk with Dr Lutz and she reassured me it would be fine to move up the appointment if I wanted to. That she was not just doing it for Dana asked. It was from when she looked at the file her assistant made for me after talking with Dana and came to the conclusion it would be best for me to come in early if I liked. I told Karen (that is what she told me to call her) this Saturday would not work for I needed the time to mentally prepare for our first session and asked her if next Saturday was fine. She understood and told me yes. Karen also stressed that it is fine for me to take my time. She just thought it was best for me to come in early, for the file suggested I am at the verge of a big breakthrough. Speaking of appointments, I did not forget about getting my tattoo. I am getting it on Dec 10th. I know Stacy can make it and I hope the other Muses can also. Stacy said they should and we will make it an entire day thing. Get the tattoo, go shopping, get a nice dinner and then maybe hit the town. I am excited. Dana heard about hitting the town and suggested that we do a proper date tonight. I loved the idea and mentioned too bad I cannot go dressed more like his Belle. By the way, after the night of our party I always wear panties now, I just like how comfortable they are. Well, I should say how comfortable I feel in them. Sorry for all the tangents today, I am just in a good mood and have so much of nothing to share. I am saying nothing for in the big picture me wearing panties is not anything of significance. I mean I know what it represents is a big deal but wearing panties itself is nothing. Stacy heard me wanting to go out as Bella and suggested that we hit Bulls and Queens, a gay club. The girls used to go there to dance and not get hit on. She assured me I would not be out of place dressed as Bella. I was so happy and asked Dana if that was fine and he said anywhere I want to go is fine. I have a nice frilled hemline dress which I have been dying to wear. I wanted a proper night out with Dana, but at the same time wanted to get home early to spend time with Stacy. She still has the need for friends to be around. Stacy assured me that she will be fine and she needed the time alone. I giggled for she almost sounded like a teenager who was getting their parents out of the house so she could be up to no good. Well, off to the gym and then have some proper time being the beautiful Belladonna. Love Ya Tink AKA Belle Bella Belladonna And sometimes Ben :-( Day 93 Quick entry OMG. OMG. OMG. I think I know why Gail has an issue with Dana and me. I saw Troy out last night at Kings and Queens. He was with Asa Wheatley, Gail's old best friend. They were dancing together and having a great time. They kissed. I felt so sorry for Gail. She was betrayed by not only her husband but one of her best friends. She stuck up for Asa when the others kids would pick on him for being different. After brunch I will stop over to her house and talk with her about it. She has to be in so much pain. Being cheated on can make one feel inadequate, they can feel they are to blame for what happened. Then with it to be someone of the opposite sex of you, has to make it worse. I mean you can think you drove them away from being with people of the same sex as you. Dana and I met a lady at the club who was in the same boat as me. It was her first real time out as who she was. Her name was Melody and she was a sweetheart. She goes by Melody and not Mel. She stressed that point so I am stressing it also. I do not want to call her Mel. We both talked about how important having good social support is Dana saw an old flame and I am proud of myself, I was not jealous at all about Dana's past. In fact when Alan went to leave us to ourselves I suggested he stay. He did. I was happy for Dana had someone to talk to while Melody and I hit the dance floor. Later on in the night the two guys did join us. It was so fun and freeing to be on the floor with a new friend, my man and one of his exes. When leaving, Alan called me to the side to tell me, he knew that I make Dana happy and Dana is lucky to have me. That felt good for so many people have told me I am lucky to have Dana. It made me feel that I am adding as much to Dana's life as much as he is adding to mine. We are up to pick up Stacy and go to brunch/golf. TTYL Tink Another long day, I swear sometimes I go to work so I can have time off from my social life. The other Muses loved the day for our plans for two Saturdays from now. I told them all about therapy. Beth talked about how she believed that everyone should do therapy, she has issues with depression. Trisha made sure I knew no matter the outcome they will be there for me and I would be treated the same as before, a Muse. That was sweet of her. This also touched me, for she said if I do transition her first child would have a godfather and godmother, instead of two godfathers. James and Dana are close friends and he was always their first choice for godfather. Then with me being with Dana, I became the choice for the other godparent. I was happy that Bridget was golfing, for she took Stacy back home. I am not calling it just my place, for Stacy is more than a guest. I want her to treat it as her home. I know it would have been a minor inconvenience, but I would have had to drop her off and then Dana off before going to Gail's. I got there and Gail answered the door and started in on me. I looked at her and told her I know. We talked and she got some of her hate,anger, feeling of self doubt and inadequacy out. I do not want to go much into details about; for it is her story to share, not mine. When she was calmed down, she did ask me how bad I went off on Troy. I told her to let me finish before she jumped all over me for not doing so. I told her about Belladonna. Hearing about Bella put her in a better mood and made her forgot that her ex-man did not get the tongue lashing he deserved. Well, to be more accurate, her jumping to a conclusion put her in a better mood. She always wanted a sister and now she got one in her eyes. It might be a little later than when she wanted one, but she is taking it. I am not her brother anymore, I am her sister. When I went to leave she told me to call Dana to invite him over now. She wanted to have a chance to make a good second impression on him as soon as possible. I did and Dana was more than happy to come over I am happy with how it went. So happy, I know I use that word a lot and hope I do not bastardize its meaning by doing so. But I am a happy person. I am in a good place in my life and instead of just being content and being scared of messing it up, I am moving forward to get to a better place. I have to share this. Dana left the room and Gail said, (these are her words) "Sis, if he wasn't your man I would so be trying to get him. He is a catch and also I can tell how happy you make each other. Any man would be lucky to have you." Her calling me sis felt right. I am her sister. I know I said she jumped to a conclusion but thinking of how good it felt hearing sis from her lips made me think. I might be a man but that is no reason my relationship with Gail is not one of two sisters. Dana and I left and with us both tired from a long weekend we just went to our homes instead of me to Dana's. I needed to do some cleaning at my and Stacy's place anyways. I spent most of last week enjoying life or being there for Stacy so that I neglected my domestic duties at home. As I drove up I saw Bridget's car in front of my house and thought nothing of it. I think I startled them coming in for those two had a look of two children being caught with their hand in the cookie jar. I told them to relax and carry on for I am going to do some tidying up around the house. Anyway I am off to bed, I have to get back to work tomorrow. Sweet Dreams Gail's sister Day 95 I love working at an university during the holiday season, just had a week off and now after two more weeks of work I will get a little over two more weeks off. Monday was my first day at work with panties on and I did overreact to a casual comment made. One of my subordinates asked me what had my panties in a bunch when I mentioned to him he needed to be on time. He has started a bad habit of coming in late on Mondays and I am trying to put a stop to it before I have to do formal disciplinary action on him. My eyes opened wide when I asked him "what?". He quickly got serious and said he would make up the 5 minutes tonight and make it a point to be on time. I do need to see Karen, for how I am going to handle that situation if you know. You know what I am going to say, so why should I say it. I know why for I need to say it out loud. How would I handle that if I do transition. I know he meant no harm by saying that common saying, but intentions are meaningless in this situation. That saying implies that a bad trait to have is only associated with the female gender. Some people might think that I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but dammit I will be treated with respect. I will not have people try to downplay my reactions because of my gender. What gets me is that the disrespect comes from people just not thinking and being inconsiderate. Ok I am calm now. Stacy and I went to the gym and tonight she is going to dinner with Bridget. I am so happy that Stacy is being social. She needs to move on. Stacy and Bridget are becoming good friends. I am off and taking a change of clothes, for I am staying at Dana's tonight. Love Ya Tink Day 98 Wow, I did not think I would have all this nervous energy about tomorrow. It know it is a big day but still it is just talking with someone about who I am. I have been doing that with you so I am an old pro. I asked her if it was a good idea to bring you with me and she said only if I thought it was. I do, I need to be an open book with her and what better way of being an open book than to bring an open book with my thoughts in them. I know what I just said was confusing, but I understood it, giggle. James and Trisha invited us to come over tomorrow night to just spend some time together. I am looking forward to spending time with them. James and I talked on the phone and for once the jester was serious for an entire conversation. He wanted to make sure I knew I could come to his house dressed however I wanted. That he wanted me to be comfortable in expressing who I was. It was adorable how he wanted to make sure that he did not overstep his bounds. I find that adorable for when people are overcautious is when they tend to think they put their feet in their mouth. He thought he did when he said oh he would be happy if I wore nothing. We both laughed. I am just saying that was sweet of him and I am going to wear something feminine, do my hair some. I want to wear feminine clothes around other people. I like how I feel in them. I am off to go over to Dana's and watch a DVD Tink out (drops the imaginary mic)