A Return To Cheer free porn video
A Return to Cheer
By Belinda
Synopsis: A woman who in the 90's who is able to live fully reflects on
life now and being able to have aspects of the 90's now as well; living
fully.
It is the second decade of the 21st century, for her, it is a point
where she can start re-enjoy activities that she in the 90's as well as
activities in the 21st century. This may seem odd because why would
someone want to re-enjoy activities of the past?
Part of the reason is that she went through what could be called a
"Pleasantville" experience. The "Pleasantville" experience refers to the
movie "Pleasantville" where everyone lives in a 50's corporate, black
and white stereotype town. The are two parts of town, Main Street where
everyone lives and Commerce Street where all the shops are. For as long
as the people who live remember, it was always this way.
In the movie, two people come from outside Pleasantville, a VR-like
experience where they are put into the TV program and VR TV electron
world; so, the person who put them there watches in the old current
time, but, they live in a contrived past time. However, rather being
victims, the sisters decides to solve the problem femininely; she gains
friends and starts to explore the town. As she explores, other start to
explore as well --- going to the pubic library, opening up
sexually...the opening up process causes a change...
The change is that the people start see themselves in color not black
and white and that their town is limited with the library coming into
the color, the romantic spot coming into color... But, at one point
there is push back, the brother is about to give in to perserve the
others and realizes to encourage himself and others not to. There is a
town show trial and the brother and sister convince all in the town that
they can come out, live in color not in the black and white world; so,
the pushback fails.
In the 90's, I was in my second attempt to transition fully; my first
attempt came in the '83 when I was planning to transfer to UW Madison. I
came to orientation as a beginning junior in Pre-Med from another UW
campus in southeastern Wisconsin, UW-Parkside. After the orientation, I
saw the office of what would now is referred to as LGBTQ+ office. I went
to the office because of two reasons.
The reason before my primary reason was to ask for help finding an
apartment near camp Randal that is acceptable to me and me being LGBTQ+.
My parents recommended the apartments and rooms near the camp randal
area because when they were at UW, the apartments and room are big and
built in classic style buildings. No, sheet rock or drywall sub-sub
divided, super small cubicles with high rent. Also, it was a chance for
me to begin the opening up process.
The main reason for contacting the LGBTQ+ office then is when I
transferred I wish to get into cheer. I thought I could tryout and make
it as I was able to many of the routines and did walk / run 10 miles
each week. Also, to be part of the support on Saturday's as I went to UW
games. At that time, the W club rate, due to my parents graduating from
UW, was $12.00 for any available seat. At UW-Parkside, I would think
about how it would be to be in cheer.
When I talked with LGBTQ+, I found a sympathetic individuals and who
knew how to help break free and showing me that what constraints I
thought were there are really there. It is a matter of those who you
make contact with and the area. When I began to head taking Badger Bus
to Milwaukee and to Kenosha, I was so psyched!
Psyched, that I could continue Pre-Med and be in cheer. Some people have
an attitude that those in cheer are air-heads, vain, or other nasty
labels. Really, for me I knew it was different because I really wanted
to be in cheer since Junior High School, then grades 7-9. For friends in
cheer in Junior High School and High School. On the way back, I day
dreamed about what it would be like for me to study at UW and to be in
cheer on game day of the first game.
Some people have per-determined ideas of what cheer is, negatively. I
have positive aspects of cheer because of friends I knew in junior high
school and in college; all were in music in either orchestra and band
and we all were in upper level science and mathematics. So, for us,
cheer was not an air-head sport.
It is the feminine ideals of fitness and study as well being part of a
community as well as practicing leadership. Leadership is not just being
about the top dog or the one who rules by fear. Leadership is also
taking a supporting role to help another learn and practice leadership,
the supporting role is that of mentorship. To us, cheer is something
that helped us.
In Junior High School, I could not join the cheer team as I wanted, I
could have joined as a male cheerleader, but, in an auto world community
of the late 70's, you would have been a huge target. I wanted to join
cheer as a young woman as I am not a guy, I'm transgender. So, I
supported the football and cheer team as a statistician and team
manager; keep tract of all equipment and uniforms, take defensive
statistics at the game, and being a defensive coach trainee. So, I felt
like I was learning the good values of football as Vince Lombardi did
and learning the good values with feminine ideals. The feminine ideals
of fitness and education in addition to mentoring by taking a supporting
role. Sort of like an young wonder woman approach in a US auto making
town environment.
In high school, I was asked by the coach to join the football team as my
fitness was so good that I could kick field goals in practice at 60
yards. I felt a great compliment, but, I wanted to help the team in
cheer as a young woman, not a guy. So, I still had to support cheer and
follow the principles of cheer vicariously.
In 1983, the movie "Flashdance" was in theaters starring Jennifer Beale
as a mill town girl who loves Ballet and wishes to be in the Ballet.
Like the movie, I emphasized and felt the same way as Jennifer Beale's
character living in Kenosha which was an auto maker town where everyone
had pride in the cars they made. I actually drove an American Motors
Eagle, the first car with selectable all wheel drive, to my driving
test.
In the movie, the grandmother reminded me of my grandmother and mother
who encouraged me in arts and help me in learning ballet. Most of it
self study. The thing I remember when seeing "What a Feeling" in the
last scene is how I emphasized with it. I felt it when she had a bad
start and had to have the courage to ask, rather like in the movie where
her friend had a bad skating routine froze to a point of losing
confidence, she breathed and ask to start again. Then, in regaining
confidence in the second start and feeling it. Day dreaming and spirit
that I will make my goal to live fully and to do cheer and dance.
The letter came from Madison, I could attend Madison in the fall if I
gave up Pre-Med and switch to a lower form of computer science, computer
science with statistics. I could still apply for cheer if I accepted.
I thought about it and had to consider another issue. At that time, my
parents and aunt and uncle where in a family fight. If I did go to
Madison, it mean that I would be outside of the sphere of protection
from my parents and into my aunt and uncles sphere. Although, my aunt
and uncle were my godparents, I did not know if I would be a pawn and
manipulated when I went to Madison as they were part of W club too and
very conservative, too churchy for me.
So, the decision was to stay at UW-Parkside where I could complete my
academic goals of Pre-Med and Applied Computer Science. Also, it meant
that I could still search for help in Chicago as Kenosha is part of
metra. A daily metra train runs to Chicago multiple times per day.
I began becoming a metra commuter. Then, it was $8 dollars round trip
compared to $23 dollars today to and from Kenosha to Chicago or $4
dollars round trip from Kenosha to Evanston (home of Northwestern) / $20
dollars today. Part of the commuting meant going to conferences and
meets at McCormick place in technology fields.
Although, the conference were in technology fields, I found kindred
spirits who shared the ideal of living freely and of the idea that many
of us first did to begin to live fully. Living fully or coming out on
internet. Where it is in an alt group (I would list the alt group names
due to same hate trolls that try to intimidate others). It was where we
could start to form friendships and chat more online as many who to the
tech conferences, their travel was paid by companies they worked for.
I like many graduates of the 80's had a long search for jobs; for me, it
took two years after graduation before I started working as a medical
researcher. I worked in Milwaukee, it was part of an advanced lab and
worked as a lab manager. Although, I was in Wisconsin and Wisconsin did
pass a law in '82 protecting LGBTQ+, it was not enforced in any county
except Dane county, where Madison is, which is why Madison had the
nickname of SF in the Midwest.
Like in the 70's, I choose a style where I could express my feminine
fashion sense and not cross the line that existed then of men wear male
dress at work and women wear women dress at work. My outfit consisted of
white Levis's and print or color block tops as good workout shoes as I
worked in the lab. That made the work environment tolerable, but, I
still wanted to live fully; I had a goal and did not know how.
Part of my steps to go further came at the YMCA in Wauwatosa. The Y had
aerobics classes taught which were co-ed and open minded. The
instructors were open minded and one was a open minded doctor as well as
a colonel in the army reserve. She could tell that I am transgender and
concerned about coming out then as she knew many doctors then still used
DSM-2, where all the negative aspects of transgender are repeated by
hate groups, compared to DSM-5 which is used today. Also, she knew I
worked as a military contractor and had to follow pre-DADT (don't ask,
don't tell) environment of working in a military environment.
Part of the transformation is that I had to get an aerobics outfit; my
mother asked if it consisted of a leotard and tights. I picked an outfit
of blue workout shorts and women's workout tee shirt with special fabric
that repelled sweat and a pair of Raebocks. My mother liked the outfit
and the fabric that it was not like the old cotton workout leotards she
wore in the 60's. Also, my parents like I had an outlet to be me and
come out of my shell.
Aerobics was fun and I did three days a week after work from 6pm to 9pm,
yes, three hour class. We had a break in between; the three hour class
had two instructors one going full power and the other going half power
in routines. I was able to switch in between full power and half power
like many did, so, we could go three hours.
This is the beginning of the start of the good times of the 90's, it was
about '92.
However, by late '92, the outfits I wore to work, even though considered
androgynous today caught the attention of new researchers who a too
churchy agenda. I began to have certain questions and comments asked to
me. Then, one day something outed me...
It was late March blizzard, rather than drive home and try to drive
through the blizzard, I did what I always did; I reserved a room at the
local Howard Johnsons that was across Mayfair Mall and near the research
park I worked. At that time, it was $25 a night. So, at lunch, I made a
reservation and paid by cash as I did not have banc card then and my
parents did not want me to use an ATM. So, either cash or check.
After work, I went to Mayfair Mall to window shop and wished I could
wear the Lambada dress outfit I saw and go dancing. Also, I went to the
bookstore to look at technical books and to get a fashion magazine I
liked, Mademoiselle. Then, at Howard Johnsons they had a restaurant,
ordered dinner and then to my room to watch cable and not have to drive
in a massive blizzard and keep my $50 deductive and reduced insurance
cost.
That morning, it was great to not have to drive through the cleanup as
mentioned on the early morning news; about 10 minutes to work I loved to
do. I walked into the research lab except I was not wearing my normal
shoes, I was wearing my Raebocks from aerobics.
Most who I talked with over coffee while the laser warm-up was being
done, talked as before. However, when I started to leave the table to
head to the lab to begin the next phase of lab setup, a new researcher
notice a tag on my shoe.
The tag on my show said "women's workout center." The researcher quizzed
me as to why the tag said that. I said, it is a tag from a club I go to
where I do aerobics. She persisted and started to become agitated that I
did not understand her. I then asked her why she had an issue.
Her response was is that you're a guy and you have a women's workout tag
on your shoe. This is where the research crossed my privacy line, my
line in the sand, and I could tell she had an agenda, too churchy. I did
not feel I had to give her information that would violate my privacy and
especially since LTBTQ+ was not protected in employment. I went to my
lab and left her with the initial comment I gave.
Later, two friends who worked in others labs as manager came and talked
to me. It was like the two sympathic women in "Three Cheers for Ellen"
written by Ellen. Although, it would be a few years before "Three Cheers
for Ellen" was written and I would discover it. The two friends knew for
a long time that I was transgender trying to work as a male to fit in
and really female. They also knew that for trying to fit, I was being
treated a female in the boys' club as there; a professional woman who
was paid 40% of the salary of the guys and like me where the first hours
salary would pay for the gas to commute to and from work. Also, promises
from guy researchers that our salary would be increased and made full
when the new research grants come; bad guy lies.
As we talked, they mentioned that Vic Tanny supported transgender then
and that I could workout and change in the women's locker room. The
reason they mentioned this is that one a friend who attended the
aerobics class I went to so and saw my outfit. Their friend wondered how
the guys treated in the locker room; whether I was propositioned or felt
up? Also, whether I felt intimidated having to change in front of guys.
In fact, I always felt uncomfortable changing in a locker room of guys.
Junior high school was torture for me in gym, I was put in a special
class where those of us who were different could enjoy gym without the
harassment.
It was nice to know that I had support and others finally started to
come out and support me. That feeling would help me for what would
follow later that afternoon. In the afternoon, I was called for a
meeting unplanned and not knowing the topic. My dad always told me to
insist on knowing the topic before the meeting; I did not know the topic
today.
At the meeting, it started with the shoes I was wearing; for me, it was
the first time anyone was called for wearing something at work as all of
us wore blue jeans with lab coats and comfortable track shoes. The issue
was the new researcher who decided to make a stink. What is odd is that
she worked as an oncologist and a support specialist. But, she had a too
churchy attitude; medical according to her view of faith only.
This was the first openly faith based attack at work; it was sixth
month's after Ron, the COO who took me under his wing to mentor me and
who had met my parents. Ron, until his death we didn't know he was gay
and who is partner was. As the meeting progressed, I was thinking if
this meeting would have occurred if Ron was not dead and still COO. I
knew this meeting came because in the aftermath of Ron's death as COO it
was found he three other executive roles, very much overwork; the roles
was given to four other people. It meant an abrubt transition, and I was
being single out as one who broke the code like in the play "Breaking
the Code."
At the meeting, I was asked do I like my job. I said yes, but, I said
that because when someone has to be asked whether they like their job,
it is time to transfer or find another job. Then, questions about what I
did after work. Why are they asking me that?
It is a few months later, I'm still to fulfill my philosophical point of
helping as a medical researcher; I had a feeling that the guy promise of
a promotion and a full salary would disappear too. In fact, when a
salary survey was done, I and the two who supported me were the lowest
paid people in the research department even though we were managers.
One, a few months later left to go back to working as a beutician to get
the respect and better salary; the other went to work at Boston Store in
cosmetics department for the same reasons.
It came to another meeting. This time there was not gentle
enlightenment, it was persuasion guy style told by a department manager
who I felt that she was manipulated to do so. The meeting was shorter
than the last meeting, because I made my mind up, the environment had
deteriorated of work from when I first started; so, I quit...
It '95 and a two years after I quit, my parents are glad my health has
returned. I have internet at home as I had since '85. At that time, I
was able to chat with others in alt groups on my wish to live fully and
we would share via stories. Some on themes of transformation and some a
new autobiographical.
During that time, my parents had a good idea of me continuing what I
learned in a different manner; using my scientific, technology, and art
experience to do web projects and advertising, early web print layout,
branching out. One condition is that I would pursue a Ph.D. in science
and that I would pursue an advanced degree in business at a liberal arts
college in the future.
During this time, I was able to establish a studio with my Nikon F2,
white Kelvin lamp for non-flash pictures, tripod, scanner, Mac and PC's
(early MacOS, Windows 95, and first Linux distrubtion). I favored the
Linux distribution as it worked with my scanners and on video; the Mac
worked well with videos and layout in addition to being able to talk to
the linux computer easily.
It was wonderful; my parents were happy that I had this time, especially
in my thirties to talk rather than having to wait until much later in
life when they would be older. To my parents, they liked that I could
support myself and live fully without having to worry about the issue of
what I went through a few years ago. Mainly, my health was better and it
was like when I was in college; they thought it was a miracle, I thought
so too. For my spirtuality, it was.
Thoughout the 90's, I could begin my second attempt to transition fully
as much as I could in the Midwest. Remember, in Chicago, for many
professionals who were transgender or crossdresser's, they could only
come out during a special event that was held in local hotels where the
organizers talked with the local police department so that participants
would not be arrested for wearing clothes of the wrong gender. In
Chicago of the 90's, if you were gay or lesbian, you were not harassed
as much as being transgender or bi. The same situation existed in
Milwaukee.
So, I could live more open than before, but, again small steps forward.
As the 90's ended, my dad became ill due to birth defect issues that
manifested itself at a later age. Also, we needed to get additional
income as apartment renting in our neighborhood became harder; less long
term renters of 10 years and stable, more transitional neighborhood with
gentrified tax increases to force mom and pop apartment buildings like
ours out of business.
I took a job under the condition that it was for additional income only;
I worked with the local grocery company and at that time they were a
family company. The income allowed us to make up for lost rents as we
were only able to have 1 of 3 apartment with a stable long-term renter,
the other two apartments variable rental income, actually too cyclic. My
parents would visit me at lunch at work and I could still some of the
things of the 90's, but, it meant returning to dress male at work and
living fully after work. This time, where I did work, I was not asked to
comply to a code of code at work and off work.
Later, my dad died a few days before a major holiday; where I worked I
asked for time off; the place was a family environment as during this
time, they helped make a hard period easier...it was friends I still
have now and a store I still shop.
After my dad died, I was head of the family at age 37; a transformation
I had to accept and a transformation that allowed to finally allowed me
to live fully. My mother understood partly, as I thought then. The first
change is actually a notebook; my mother suggested that I change from a
small police style notebook to an artist size notebook as I do sketch
and write. Also, encouraging to bake and helping me with baking skills
in making cakes and tortes.
On dress, it was still, you have full rights at one, but, outside of the
home, some in society may try to cause difficulty so try to fit in; you
are you and keep your vitality. In the early 21st century, then it was
called the New Millennium, some thought of it as a second coming and
others like me thought of it as way to finally break free and live
fully.
With the growth of internet and even after the dot-com bomb, I was still
able to supplement my income as a professional photographer for web ads
and print ads for business; mostly, taking pictures of business
locations to put on web pages to help customers find a business. As well
as doing self-portraits with a Nikon F2 set a 10 second delay.
Part of my self-portraits were of outfits I loved to wear and in my true
self. I did not have the tools to develop my own film so I had a
neighborhood store develop my photos. The person in the photo department
was an artist studying at a progressive Lutheran college and we would
talk about the photos. She was amazed at the quality of the photos as
all were F22, fashion magazine quality. We became good friends and an
ally in understanding me.
Like in the 90's, the early 21st century was continuing positive.
Then, at one point, I could not stay in business as a single building
apartment owner due to gentrification tactics and block busting tactics;
I left the house to the bank in and spend my first night in a shelter.
At the shelter, I was able to fit in a bit, feigning being male among
gang bangers and others. Also, in a shelter that had a religious agenda.
It was for about a month until I could mind a room at the YMCA where I
could have a bedroom and free parking for my car. My mother was living
in a nursing home and I would visit her; at this time, I worked as a web
/ professional photographer consultant.
I did not have my studio like at home and made a studio and workshop
inside of a storage unit. Also, found resources at the local library and
university. This worked and I was living fully; I still needed to do the
steps to begin to change my name and then my gender...
I was able to do that and change my name, update my social security and
driver's license; it was not a man's income and a peace income not a war
income; many women live this way --- enough, but, frugal and still able
to help others.
When my mother died at the nursing home, this is when the dark test
started. I went through multiple shelters and agendas. It was a test
that I felt that those who are POW's go through, very close to it. So
harsh, as my times for feeling out of the dangerous environment was when
I was dreaming or when I was in safe spaces at the library and
university or storage unit area.
It even included maniupulating those close to me as well as gas-
lighting, I did not know what gaslighting was then; I do now.
Today, I am restarting my studio, expecting my new Nikon to come and
able to put the bad tests in the past, Also, I have found additional
friends and we go out socially.
Remember, you know how to live your life; like Kaycee Musgraves says
"...I will take of me darling, and you take of you.." in the song
Biscuits.
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