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Subject: BIGGER IS BETTER

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Peter was out $40. Spammed and scammed -- screwed, blued, and tattoed -- that's what he was. He must have been out of his mind to tranfer the funds on-line to that spammer. Out of his mind and desperate. Just because his new girlfriend had complained about lack of sensation was no reason to blow his hard-earned money on what had to be one of the world's oldest swindles. Penis enlargement! Yeah.

Well, it was over and done. The money was gone. And he had just received the package in the mail. Inside was a vial of pills, a small jar of cream, and a tape cassette. And, oh yes, a couple of xeroxed instruction sheets. Some program.

"Take one Growth Pill in the morning. Just before going to bed, apply a small amount of Growth Cream to the penis and take one more pill. At your bedside, insert the Subliminal Growth Cassette into a player set on low volume, then retire as you would normally. The tape plays for 45 minutes on each side, but the first half hour of it is blank, to allow time for you to fall asleep. The last 15 minutes on each side of the tape contains special subliminal instruction that primes your subconscious to accelerate the penile growth process. IMPORTANT: TWO PILLS DAILY IS THE MAXIMUM DOSAGE. EXCEEDING THIS MAY CAUSE RUNAWAY AND UNCONTROLLED PENIS ENLARGEMENT."

Out of curiosity, he fast-forwarded the tape to hear the "special subliminal instruction." He couldn't believe how stupid it was. "Every day in every way I'm getting bigger." This repeated in cadence every few seconds. Dumb!

Well, the money was gone. Nothing to lose by trying the Program. Damn, that cream was greasy. And it smelled like rancid yak butter.

Two weeks later his penis was exactly the same, except maybe for a faint scent of rancid yak butter. And his girlfriend had asked whether he minded if she continued to read while he made love to her. Not a pretty picture.

He'd give it one last try. Double the dosage of Growth Pills. Use an extra glob of greasy Growth Cream. Turn up the volume on the tape player. Oh, and just for good measure, take a megadose of vitamin C. If that didn't work, he'd file a fraud complaint against Magic Alchemy Labs and kiss his money goodbye.

The next morning his penis was sensitive and a little swollen. It hurt to urinate. A few hours later, though, the discomfort had largely disappeared. He did his daily measurement. Was it a sixteenth of an inch longer? Hard to tell. He'd give the Program one more night.

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