The Three Signs - Book 1 - CathyChapter 18: Devastation free porn video
I woke late on the Saturday morning – the morning after Cathy had told me she had found someone else. I felt absolutely terrible; I hadn’t slept much at all, and the realisation of what had happened was now sinking in. As well, tonight was the first night of our gig at the Mirage running until 1am, and we had to polish up the finer details of each set. Then I had an inspiration for what opening song I wanted to perform.
Paul picked me up just after lunch, and took one look at me.
“Are you ok, mate?” he asked. “You look like rat shit!”
“Yeah, no, I feel like rat shit,” I replied. “Cathy and I broke up last night.”
“What! Bullshit!” he exclaimed, and then looked at my face. “Bloody hell, Will, really? Shit, I’m really, really sorry for you, that sucks. Are you going to be ok tonight?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I said. “Look, don’t mention it to the other guys, and I want to make a change tonight for our opening song. You’ll probably think I’m crazy, but I want to do it, ok?”
“Sure, I won’t say a thing,” he said.
We rehearsed some of the sets, including my change to the opening track, which now sounded perfect. By seven pm, we were ready to go on stage; the enlarged room was packed, and Hugh had turned up with his tape deck to record us.
At the usual calls of “Where’s Brian?” I interrupted Phil’s introduction.
“Um, Phil, Brian may not be here tonight,” I said. “You know that blonde? Yeah, well, apparently she has a twin sister...”
After much laughing from the audience, we were ready for the first song. I looked around at the others, making sure we were all ready, and then gave a quick nod before starting the opening piano lines. Then, a quick swallow, and I began to sing.
Maybe I didn’t treat youQuite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn’t love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied
Maybe I didn’t hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I’m so happy that you’re mine
If I make you feel second best
Girl, I’m sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied, satisfied
With Phil now playing the instrumental break, I took a big gulp from my glass of water. It took all my self-control not to shake, there was just so much emotion flowing through me.
Little things I should have said and doneI just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind
As the last notes faded away, there was dead silence in the room. I could feel hot pinpricks of tears at my eyes, and I suspected several had already trickled down my cheeks. Then, several people started applauding, and then the whole crowd rose to their feet, clapping and whistling for a huge ovation. I let out a huge sigh of relief, and tried to reach for my glass of water, but my arms wouldn’t move.
“Fuck, Will, that was fantastic,” Paul whispered in my ear. “I didn’t think you could pull that off, but, mate I haven’t heard you sing any better – or anyone else for that matter.
The others looked at me in amazement; I knew I hadn’t sung anywhere near that well in rehearsal. When the applause died down, we continued with the set.
At our first break, Phil approached me and asked about that opening performance.
“Where did that come from, Will?” he asked. “I’ve heard the original Elvis version, and that blew him away. It was good in rehearsal, but that was incredible!”
“Well, Cathy and I broke up last night,” I said. “I think I just pulled all of my emotions, everything I have been feeling in the last 24 hours and let it out when I sang.”
“Fuck me!” he exclaimed. “That’s, that’s really bad news, I don’t know how you could have done that. If that had happened to me, I doubt I would even have wanted to perform tonight, let alone something that powerful and close to the bone. Mate, you’ve really got balls, and that blew everyone away.”
The others were equally as impressed, and sympathetic about my break-up. All of them offered support, and told me if I needed someone to talk to, they were there to listen. Soon it was time for the second set, and we went back on stage. The whole evening continued as we had started – everything went perfectly, each song seemed to have been the best we had done it. Maybe it was the emotions I was feeling, maybe it was the feedback from the audience, whatever it was, by the end of the evening I was feeling much better. I knew it wouldn’t last, it was just the high of performing, but I was glad that I had decided to open with that song.
The high didn’t last, of course. When I awoke on Sunday, I felt even worse than I did on Saturday morning. There were just too many things to remind me of Cathy; photos she had taken, a photo of her next to my bed, lots of memories of happier times. Although I didn’t have that much to do; the homework hadn’t built up much yet, I didn’t feel like going out at all. I did some more piano practice, but just moped around the house.
I went through the next week at school as if in a trance. I didn’t really notice that Cathy had swapped desks in those classes where we had sat next to each other, and barely acknowledged the sympathetic comments from my friends. It didn’t take long for the story that Cathy and I had broken up to get around, although few people knew the real reason.
One thing that did surprise me was Janelle’s reaction. I was studying in the library during a free period, and she came up to me, and sat opposite.
“Look, I’m really, really sorry to hear what Cathy said to you, and all that,” she said. “I know, I want us to be together, but I didn’t want it to be like that. Look, I still feel the same about you, but you need time to get yourself together, to get over it all. I’ll still be around, but I’m going to give you all the time you need, ok?”
It took a few seconds to register what she was saying to me, and then I must have looked surprised.
“Oh, yeah, thanks,” I stammered. “I’m probably not going to be real good company for a while, and yeah, I don’t know when I’ll want to...”
“I understand,” she said. “Maybe it will be best if I let you have a break, give you time to think things over.”
She put her hand on mine, and then left me alone.
The Opposite of LoveSeptember, 1974
I spent most of my free time at school up in the library, even recess and lunch times. I really didn’t want to hang out with the others, not only because Cathy was there, but also because I really didn’t feel like being with others.
It wasn’t until Friday, when leaving maths just before lunch, when Mr King pulled me to one side.
“You have a minute, Will?” he asked. “The school’s computer has arrived, and here are the manuals for it. Did you want to look at them over the weekend?”
“Yeah, sure, I guess,” I replied. “When can I start to play with it?”
“Why not Monday, perhaps lunchtime after the lesson?” he suggested. “Read up about it over the weekend, and see how it goes then.”
“Yeah, that should be fun,” I replied. “I’ve done lots of reading about programming; it’s probably time to start writing one.”
“I think so too,” he said.
“Oh, by the way,” he added as I started to leave. “I heard that you and Cathy Parsons have split up, I was sorry to hear that, it must be tough for you at the moment.”
“How did you hear?” I asked him.
“You’d be surprised just how much us teachers know about what our students do,” he said. “And particularly when it involves my top two students, I take an interest. I know what you’re going through; believe me, the same happened to me more than once. It’s tough, but don’t let yourself fall the trap of self-absorption and misery.”
“Yeah, I’m trying not to, but thanks for the advice. And the opportunity to use the computer, too,” I added.
I studied the computer manuals over the weekend; it didn’t seem to be too complex. On Monday, I entered one of the sample programs in the book, and it worked. My first program! I spend the rest of the week trying other programs, including one that calculated energy levels for electron transitions, which we were studying in physics at the moment. Mr King was impressed with how quickly I had picked it up, and I enjoyed the challenge of writing the programs, and getting them to work. I hadn’t even noticed that I was spending all of my free time at school either in the library, or working on the computer.
That Friday night I was practicing some new songs in my bedroom, when my mother called me. I had my headphones on, so I hadn’t even heard the phone ring – even though my father and I had installed my own extension line in my room the previous weekend.
“You’ll send yourself deaf with those things on your head,” my Mother chided me. “I’ve been calling you, there’s a phone call for you, its Lori.”
“Sorry mum, I was practicing,” I said.
“Hello?” I said when she left the room.
“Hi stranger,” Lori said. “Some of us are starting to wonder if you’re still alive.”
“What do you mean? Of course I am!” I replied.
I probably sounded a bit pissed off, this was the first time she had bothered to talk to me in weeks, and she started by poking fun at me.
“Hey, just joking,” she said. “Look, we got the new boat the other week, and I was wondering if you want to come out in it, see how it rides this Sunday. Sailing doesn’t start for another two weeks, and I thought you’d want to see it.”
“Oh, I don’t know, Lori, I’m not sure if I feel like it,” I replied.
So, was Lori making her move; now Cathy was out of the way? I certainly didn’t feel up to that, not yet.
“No, you need to get out, and get some sun,” she said. “It’s just you and I, no one else.”
So she was planning something then – just the two of us.
“Look, I don’t think I would be good company right now,” I explained.
“That’s precisely why I want you to come out on the boat,” she said. “I’m not trying to start anything, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ll pick you up at 7:30, is that ok?”
“That early? I don’t get home until 1:30 or two, I’ll be too tired,” I said.
“No you won’t,” she stated. “I’ll pick you up at 7:30, be there, ok?”
What could I say?
“Yeah, ok, Miss Bossy Boots, I’ll be ready,” I said, probably a little harsher than I intended.
“I’ll have food and all that for us, I’ll see you then,” she replied, and hung up.
‘Fuck!’ I swore under my breath. I hadn’t meant to be unkind to her; maybe she was just trying to be friendly. ‘Fucking women,’ I swore again, and returned to the piano.
I was still half asleep when Lori picked me up at 7:30; I had managed to shower, shave and have some breakfast. Considering I didn’t get home until 2am, and it always took some time to relax and get to sleep. I guess I had probably had not much more than four hours sleep, and I really didn’t feel like getting up early, never mind having to deal with Lori trying to make a move.
But I had agreed to go with her, and I felt obliged to keep my commitment. Besides, I had been ignoring her recently, and as my mother said when I asked if I could go out on Sunday, she reminded me not to cut my friends off.
So, I wasn’t at my best when I got into the passenger seat of Lori’s car, and tossed my pack in the back. But I did at least remember that I hadn’t been all that gracious to her when she phoned me up the other night. Even if she was trying to take over now Cathy was out of the scene, I shouldn’t have been rude to her like I had been. Probably just as well she didn’t hear the comments I had made about her after the call.
“Hi Lori, thanks for asking me out,” I said. “And, look, I’m sorry if I sounded a bit rude the other night on the phone; I didn’t mean to be.”
“That’s ok, Will,” she said. “I guess I came across a bit bossy, but then, I needed to be bossy to get you off your arse. Anyway, I wanted to show the boat off to someone that I knew would appreciate it.”
“Well, it looks like we have a good day for it,” I replied. “I probably need something to wake me up; I didn’t get all that much sleep, I didn’t get home until two this morning.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll wake you up,” she said.
I still wasn’t completely sure if Lori was just being a friend, or wanted to push our relationship further. I hoped she wasn’t going to, she had pretty much ignored me for the last month, but I wasn’t sure, not after what Janelle had told me about her. At least Janelle had stayed true to her promise of letting me have time to myself.
It only took a few minutes to get to Lori’s place, and she parked her car in the drive. Inside, her parents we still having breakfast, and Mrs Earle offered me a cup of coffee, which I readily accepted.
“You’ll like the new boat, Will,” Mr Earle said to me. “Bigger, more powerful and far more comfortable than the old one. It draws more water though, about an extra foot or so, you will have to watch that.”
He and I chatted about the boat for a few minutes while Lori got her things together, and then she and I walked down to the jetty where the boat was. It looked much larger than their older one, and Lori pointed out some of its features to me.
“You can untie it once I have the engines running,” she said. “I’ll just take it out to the bottom of Pittwater, and then you can take over if you want.”
It was much quieter than the old boat, rather than having noisy outboard motors, this had the deep throb of a diesel engine. When we were opposite the Newport Arms, Lori cut the engine to an idle, and slid off the seat, telling me to take the controls. I advanced the throttles gingerly, and steered carefully past the moored boats near the two yacht clubs.
The steering position was above the main cabin, in a ‘flying bridge’, as Lori called it, and it gave a great view in all directions. We continued slowly up the channel past Scotland Island, and when we cleared the tip of the island, Lori told me to ‘open her up’. The boat responded quickly as I pushed the throttle forward, and we were soon speeding towards the top of Pittwater.
“I want to take you to Castle Lagoon,” she said. “It’s a lovely little bay off Cowan Creek, we’ll get there pretty quickly.”
It didn’t take long to get to the entrance of Pittwater, in the open expanse of Broken Bay. Lori told me to head for the north side of the bay, and how to steer it across the green rolling waves coming in from the ocean. She pointed out other things; the fairy penguin colony on Lion Island, the darker brown water where the strong current from the river flowed along the south side of the bay, and little beaches along the northern shore.
She seemed content just to let me handle the boat, and chat casually about the passing scenery. Soon we were off Juno point, where the main part of the Hawkesbury River entered the bay from the northwest, and Cowan Creek was to the south. I slowed down a bit, and she directed me on the best course to head up the creek.
We passed several bays on either side of the main stretch of the creek, and then I slowed down some more, and we finally arrived at our destination; a small, semicircular inlet, surrounded by the thick bush. I could see a waterfall on the eastern shore. Lori pointed out a mooring, one of the national park buoys, and I eased the boat up to it. Once Lori had the mooring line secured, I turned off the engines.
I joined Lori up on the front deck, and looked around. With the engine off, there wasn’t a sound to be heard.
“Wow, it’s so lovely and peaceful here,” I said. “Like there isn’t another soul around.”
“Yeah, it’s nice here. But sometimes on summer weekends it can get busy,” she said. “Now, we have to talk. Let’s go inside to the saloon and sit down.”
What did she want to talk about, I wondered.
“Look, I’m going to say some things that are pretty direct, and probably pretty hurtful,” she started to say. “I don’t want to hurt you, you’ve been hurt more than enough, but someone has to say something to you, and there’s a bunch of stuff you need to know.”
“What do you mean?” I said, sounding a little pissed off. What right did she think she had to talk to me like that? “So, are you going to dump me too? Why not, you’ve been acting like I don’t exist for the last two months.”
Lori’s face went a deep red, and she clenched her fists, and started to say something, but cut herself off. After a few seconds, she relaxed, and spoke again.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, softer this time. “I know you’re hurting, and really upset, but we – you and I – need to talk. Just let me say what I have to say, ok?”
“Ok, you may as well go ahead; I don’t have much choice, do I?” I said, still pissed off.
She took one of my hands in hers and stared at it for a while, as if there was some answer written there.
“Look, I know what Cathy did was wrong, and hurtful, and all that, and you didn’t deserve for her to dump you like she did,” she started. “When she got home on Sunday, she called me and said I had to come over the next day – that was the day before school started. Well, she told me everything, and how she didn’t know what to do, how to tell you, and wanted to know what to do.
“Well, I told her that she had to tell you, and not to let it drag out. Which she did, and from what she told me, you acted pretty decently about it all, considering. But do you know why she fell for that guy, why she changed from you?” I shook my head. “Because for the last three months or more, you had pretty well ignored her. You would spend less and less time with her, and more time on your music, or other things. Why do you think she wanted you to make love to her? Because she thought she could get back your attentions, your affection if she did. But you were too wrapped up in your own life to see what you were doing to her.
“She felt you no longer loved her,” she said in a flat voice, and looked back at her hands.
“What? But I?” I was completely dumbfounded. “She was just as busy as I was.” What were Lori’s final words? “Why would she think I didn’t love her? Did I act like I hated her? No!”
“Ok, think about this,” she said. “What is the opposite of ‘love’?”
“Hate, I guess,” I replied. “But I don’t understand...”
“No, that’s wrong,” she told me. “Hate and love are almost identical, not opposites. The opposite of love isn’t hate, the opposite is indifference.”
“Indifference?” I asked. “You mean, like, not caring at all?”
She nodded her head.
“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference. Cathy felt you were indifferent to her, you stopped caring about her,” she said. “Like she meant nothing to you, that so many other things were more important to you. So when she met someone that paid attention to her, I guess she fell for him.”
“So, it was really my fault?” I asked.
“No, it wasn’t nobody’s fault, and both your faults,” she said. “It’s what I was scared of happening to us, to me, back around Easter. That’s why I, um, that’s why I made my decision. But do you understand, maybe little more, about what happened?”
“Did Cathy tell you to tell me all this?” I asked her.
“No, she didn’t tell me to do this, and probably would be mad at me if she knew I was doing it,” she said. “She felt pretty guilty about it all anyway, without you knowing how she felt about being ignored.”
“But if she mentioned something, told me, then I could have...” I started to explain.
“You could have what?” she challenged me. “Could have given up playing at the Mirage each Saturday? Given up studying as hard? Being fair, she could also have given up some of her photography work, or not spent as much time studying, so she was equally at fault, if you ask me.”
“Yeah, but I don’t want to criticise her,” I said. “Well, at least I know what I did wrong, that’s something. Buggered if I know what to do about it though.”
“You can start by not ignoring your friends,” she said. “Everyone has commented on how you are hiding yourself away, we never see you outside of class, you never want to do anything with us. We’re your friends, Will, we still love you, and it hurts us to see what you are doing to yourself. Don’t cut us out of your life.”
I finally looked up at her, and there were tears in her eyes.
“I haven’t cut you out...” I began.
“You have!” Lori said emphatically. “You’ve ignored us, avoided us, and done everything possible not to be around us. That hurts, it really does.”
“I guess so,” I said. “But you’ve been ignoring me for much longer, ever since your birthday.”
“I haven’t...” she said, and fell quiet. “Yeah, I guess I have, and I’m sorry about that, too, I wasn’t being fair to you.”
“Was it about what I said at your birthday, about us?” I asked.
“Initially, yeah, and I should have accepted your apology,” she said. “But then it got complicated.”
“Complicated?” I asked.
“Yeah. Look, I’m not sure how to say this, and it’s going to piss you off, but you wanted to know. Right at the time when Cathy was telling me that she felt you were ignoring her, and how she decided that she would make love with you, and all that, I worked out you and Janelle were doing things, in secret.”
I felt my face turn bright red.
“How did you find out?” I asked. “Does Cathy know?”
“Well, I didn’t know for sure, not then, not until a few weeks ago at her party, and even then I was guessing,” she said. “And no, Cathy doesn’t know, and I’m not going to tell her, either. That’s not my job to do that. But I was really pissed off at you; your girlfriend was upset because she felt you were ignoring her, and you were filling in time with Janelle, that just didn’t seem right.
“I guess I saw it all from Cathy’s side, until I realised she was just as much to blame about feeling ignored. But you were still deceiving Cathy, weren’t you? And me, too, for that matter, you had time for Janelle, but not for me. No, you didn’t owe me anything, that wasn’t fair, I’m sorry. But at the time, I felt you were being a real bastard.”
“And now?” I asked. “Am I still a bastard?”
“Are you still seeing Janelle?” she asked. When I shook my head, she continued. “Well, was that at your instigation, or hers?”
“Hers,” I replied. “But I don’t have the heart for anything like that now.”
“Well, she’s got more honesty than I thought she had,” Lori said. “But no, I don’t think you are a bastard, and you probably weren’t one, either.”
“Yeah, but do you think I did the wrong thing with Janelle?” I asked.
“What I think isn’t important, you have to do what you think is right,” Lori replied.
“Bullshit, Lori,” what would you have wanted me to do?”
“What would I really wanted you to do?” she repeated. “Do you really want me to tell you?” I nodded. “Ok, but I didn’t want to talk about you and I, not today, not until things are, well, you know.”
“Tell me,” I said. “I need to know, Lori.”
“Ok, you asked for it,” she said, and took a deep breath. “I wish you hadn’t offered to walk Cathy home from that wedding, or even went to the stupid thing with her. You would have realised just how much I loved you, even though I never had the guts to tell you, and you would have asked me out, and Cathy would just be a good friend, and so would Janelle. You would be my boyfriend, no, my lover, and we would be here right now, in the cabin, making love.”
She stopped talking, and was breathing heavily.
“But that didn’t happen, did in?” she asked rhetorically. “We can’t change history. So what I want doesn’t mean a fucking thing! I wanted you, I’ve wanted you since the day we met, and I was too fucking shy to tell you! And you were too fucking stupid to see, and even when you discovered it, and I got the nerve to tell you how I felt, you ignored me, treated it all as a game, and then – fuck! You were happy to fool around with Janelle, and forget about your real girlfriend, and me. I bet I know what you and she were up to, when you were meant to be with Cathy – when you should have been with me. So, have you fucked her yet? No, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know!” She was now yelling quite loudly at me; she had clenched her fists, and her face was red.
“But I bet you two have fucked each other, or had made plans to; I know that’s what Janelle wanted – just someone to fuck – not a lover – just a hot prick to satisfy her. Tell me, what is it like to fuck her, is it everything you expected, just fucking someone who wants you physically, but doesn’t love you like I do? What is it that attracts you to her, you like her large boobs? What if I had bigger tits, would you want to fuck me too? Do you fuck her tits, coming all over them?”
She stood up, and walked to the cabin door. As she leant against it, I could see her shoulders shaking, and hear her sobbing loudly, and I guessed she was crying. ‘Fuck it all’, I swore to myself, ‘I have this great knack for taking a bad situation and turning it into a fucking disaster’.
Lori just stood against the cabin door, sobbing loudly.
“You never understood, did you?” she said softly. “You never knew how much I loved you – how much I still love you, Will.”
I wasn’t sure if I should get up and go to her, or whether that would lead to more problems, but then Lori turned back to me, and wiped her eyes. As she sat back down, she sniffed, and wiped her cheek again.
“I’m sorry, I never intended to say that, or anything like that at all,” she said. “I meant it when I said earlier that I didn’t want to start anything between us. You still need time to sort things out, and besides, who’s to say the same problems wouldn’t happen between you and I?”
“Believe me, Will, I have put my feelings aside for a while, for a long time, at the moment all I want to be is your friend. A friend who hasn’t done the right thing by you, but a friend that you have been ignoring, too. There’s another reason why I don’t want us to get back together yet as lovers, either. But you have to promise not to tell anyone – not even Janelle – a word of this. Not even to Cathy if you get back to being good friends. Promise me that?”
I nodded. These girls and all their secrets were starting to get a bit much. She sniffed, and wiped the tears from her eyes.
“The other reason; in fact, the main reason why I don’t want to get back with you is because I think you and Cathy will get back together. She won’t admit it, she’s too proud to say she made a mistake, but I think she realises that the fling she had up in Brisbane – yeah, I mean it as a fling – was just that, a passing fad. I should have told her to put it behind her, forget about him, and concentrate on you, but I wasn’t thinking properly either.”
“But now she’s told you, and done what she has, she’s too proud to admit, even to herself, but I’m pretty sure she regrets what she has done, and if she could, she would take things back. I’m not telling you to hold out some faint hope, but at some stage, Cathy will want you back. And if you and I were together, well, I’m afraid you would leave me for her. No, I don’t want you to deny that, or say anything about that, but until I know you and Cathy are completely, finally over each other, I’ll just stay as your friend. If you still want me, that is; I haven’t been a good friend lately, have I?”
“What do you mean, not a good friend?” I asked her.
“I was initially pissed off at you for assuming you knew how I still really felt about you, when it had seemed like I had called things off, back in April, when you really hurt me with that comment,” she said. “I shouldn’t assume you know what I think, or what I want when I tell you the opposite. Then I took your, um, times with Janelle personally, which I shouldn’t have. Then I really fucked everything up, when Cathy asked my advice about the Brisbane thing. I guess I wanted to get back at you, so you could feel the same hurt that I felt, and to teach you a lesson. And I as soon as she told me about the guy in Brisbane, and whether she should break up with you, well; my first thoughts were that it would give me the opportunity to have you to myself. So I gave her bad advice, not to help her, or to do what would have been best for the two of you, but what looked like a good opportunity for me. I really fucked it up, didn’t I?”
“No, you didn’t fuck it up,” I said. “I fucked it up, by ignoring Cathy. What was it you said; the opposite of love is indifference? I treated her with indifference. And she fucked it up by treating me with indifference. If it didn’t happen then, with the guy in Brisbane, it just would have happened later on. You just made it come to a head then, and not later. So, are we friends?”
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