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My name is Joseph McDonald. I’m a tall, good-looking, forty-something black man living in the city of Boston, Massachusetts. What is my occupation? Let’s see. I’m the General Chancellor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts University, also affectionately known as CMU by students and faculty alike. What makes CMU so damn special? It’s only the biggest private university in the continent of North America, with forty nine thousand students spread across campuses in the cities of Boston, Milton, Williamstown, Raynham, Hanson and Plymouth. I rule the entire school. And I run my house with an iron fist. Watch what happens.
I’m at the Boston Campus of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts University. The key administrative offices are there. My wife Sheila Johnanssen is the Dean of Student Affairs. My son Jamal lives on campus and he’s also a member of the Football team. I live the Boston Campus. It’s a mid-sized campus, with around thirteen thousand students. The school has twenty dorm buildings in the Boston Area, but it’s still a commuter majority. What amazes me is the fact that CMU has managed to acquire enough land to create a Football Stadium in downtown Boston. That’s nothing short of extraordinary in my opinion. The Boston Campus offers the following varsity sports : Men’s Intercollegiate Baseball, Basketball, Cross Country, Lacrosse, Wrestling, Swimming, Volleyball, Ice Hockey, Soccer, Football and Rowing along with Women’s Intercollegiate Softball, Basketball, Cross Country, Volleyball, Swimming, Lacrosse, Field Hockey, Ice Hockey, Soccer, Rugby and Rowing. We’re in the NCAA Division One.
The Boston Campus is wonderfully diverse. It boasts of an equal number of men and women, and a racially diverse student body. We’ve seen to that. It’s been my pet project for the past ten years. Before that, I was the Director of the CMU-Plymouth Campus. Of six campuses of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts University, three are strictly commuter campuses. They don’t have dormitories or athletic facilities. Hanson, Raynham and Milton are commuter campuses. Plymouth, Boston and Williamstown are college campuses with dormitories and adequate athletic facilities. The Plymouth Campus of CMU has eighteen thousand students. I’ve diversified it to the best of my abilities. I also added sports for the student-athletes.
The Plymouth Campus of Commonwealth of Massachusetts University offers Men’s Intercollegiate Baseball, Basketball, Cross Country, Football, Soccer, Gymnastics, Volleyball, Rowing, Sailing, Wrestling, Football, Lacrosse, Swimming and Ice Hockey along with Women’s Intercollegiate Softball, Basketball, Cross Country, Rugby, Soccer, Gymnastics, Volleyball, Rowing, Sailing, Wrestling, Swimming, Lacrosse, Field Hockey and Ice Hockey. They compete in the NCAA Division Three. We don’t offer athletic scholarships but we try to maintain a competitive athletic program for both men and women. You can thank me for that. I’m known as the savior of the schools. Whenever a college or university in the state of Massachusetts is in trouble, whether academically or athletically, they come to me. I’m the Hero of the Story.
Williamstown is home to the smallest of all the non-commuter campuses of CMU. It has eleven thousand students, and most of them live in the campus dormitories. Once again, the task of building up the school’s sports program fell to me. We had a massive fundraiser, and in the end, we managed to accomplish our goals. We started varsity teams in Men’s Soccer, Basketball, Bowling, Golf, Tennis, Swimming, Baseball, Cross Country, Ice Hockey, Lacrosse, Football, Squash and Rugby along with Women’s Basketball, Bowling, Golf, Tennis, Swimming, Softball, Cross Country, Ice Hockey, Lacrosse, Rugby, Soccer and Field Hockey. It was agreed that we would compete in the NCAA Division Two. Except for our Men’s and Women’s Hockey teams, of course, which compete in the NCAA Division One because collegiate Hockey has no Division Two. We offered a limited number of athletic scholarships to student-athletes who qualified.
You might wonder why I spent all this time telling you about the schools I run and the various sports offered. Well, I just wanted you to have some inkling of my power. I’m a very powerful man, you know. The life of a black intellectual in America isn’t easy but I was doing fine. I had six college campuses to run and I was always traveling all over the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, mainly because I was the glue holding the entire CMU structure together. Weak-willed administrators were constantly buckling under the pressure. Fortunately for all the men and women involved, I had nerves of steel. I wasn’t the type of man who scared easily. All my life I’ve been a driven individual. A real go-getter. It’s just the way I happen to be.
Sometimes, I take a break from the busy job of running America’s biggest university. How do I spend my break? Well, I go fishing. Accompanied by my favorite guy. My favorite guy is Julian Doakes, Head Coach of the Northeastern University Men’s Wrestling program. He’s a tall, good-looking man with dark hair, green eyes and bronze skin. Like me, he’s been a collegiate admnistrator for decades. We’ve been good friends for a long time. He’s married to a woman named Jennifer Delvar, and they have two daughters and two sons together. In the beginning, when we first met, Julian Doakes and I were rivals. He was the Assistant Coach of the Northeastern University Men’s Wrestling team and had a chip on his shoulder. The guy had a lot to prove. I was the Athletic Director of the CMU-Boston Campus and we were having a difficult season, especially in Football and Men’s Varsity Wrestling. My top guy faced his top guy at the NCAA Men’s Division One Wrestling Finals. My guy won. For a long time after that, Doakes hated my guts but we became buddies after a wild night at a titty bar in downtown Boston.
We take an annual fishing trip together. We head to Cape Cod for a couple of days and get away from our jobs, wives and brats. Sometimes, for the sake of his sanity, a man needs his space. That’s just the truth. The life of a male college administrator is tough, especially if he cares about the welfare of the students at his school. After months spent battling everything from budget cuts to Title IX consultants and other issues, I needed a break. I managed to save all of the sports teams of the CMU-Boston Campus, but I had to take away a little bit of funding from each team to preserve them as a whole. The athletes and their coaches felt the strain of the budget cuts. But it’s better than doing away with an entire team, or two. I had saved the day, yet everyone hated my guts. That’s the thanks I get.
At home, my wife Sheila was slowly turning into a bitter drunk. And our son was affected by it. His grades suffered. I noticed that a lot of male students were suffering academically, so I created a Men’s Center on campus to help them. The school already had a Women’s Center, so no one could accuse me of sexism or gender bias and shit like that. As you can see, I definitely needed a break. Doakes was the only one who appreciated me. He greeted me with a hug and we got into his Jeep. We drove from Boston to Cape Cod. It was a long and pleasant drive. We ate at a nice restaurant. We bought dirty magazines. We flirted with waitresses. Good times, folks. Good times. We went to Cape Cod, found our usual spot and did some fishing. We rested, and shared in the bond that exists between all men. Four days later, we went back to our jobs, families and lives. Back to the usual grind. The soul-crushing and occasionally rewarding pressures of work, family, fatherhood and mundane life. Until next year.
Trish
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