smokeSCREEN bookFOUR
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smokeSCREEN
bookFOUR
:
THEbecoming
* * *
part ii
:
the coffin nail
* * *
whenever i’m alone with you
you make me feel like i am home again
whenever i’m alone with you
you make me feel like i am / whole again
* * *
* * *
The flashlight bobs and I throw the heavy blankets across the bare army-surplus mattress.
‘I really don’t need the mattress,’ I say.
‘You’ll sleep on it and like it,’ Michelle tells me.
Here in the sub-basement – which I’m hoping Crow has given up – perhaps I can get some rest before sorting things out in the morning.
‘Thanks for being cool,’ I tell her.
‘Yeah, well – that’s me,’ she says.
‘No – hey.’ I reach out for her arm, but find her cheek. It’s pretty dark. ‘I appreciate it,’ I say. She holds the flashlight out to the side, pointed at us so I can see half of her face, and she can see half of mine in the blackness.
‘I know,’ she says. ‘Go to sleep – I’ll come back for in the morning.’
She’s already standing to leave, but I know I don’t want to sleep.
‘Hey – hang back,’ I say. She stops and turns. ‘You awake enough for a chat?’
‘A short chat?’
‘I didn’t really think about it. I just… wanted to sit back and talk like we used to.’
Even in the blackness, I can see her grin as she nods.
‘Want some gossip?’
‘Sure.’
‘Cat’s pulling two months in the kitchens for betraying the floor,’ she says, crossing her legs as she sits on the mattress next to me.
‘Good.’
‘I’m really sorry about everything with Crow-‘
‘You don’t have to say that,’ I tell her. ‘That’s between me and Crow. Let’s think of… happier times.’
She laughs – sort of.
‘Yeah? Like when?’
‘Like when we sat up on the Tower roof, lookin’ at the stars.’
‘You remember that?’ she cocks her head to the side.
”Course I do.’
For a moment we’re blinded by the light of my Zippo as I burn the end of a cigarette.
Why does she have to be so damn beautiful?
Closing the lighter, I take a long drag.
‘Yeah, well – all I see is blackness and a bouncing cherry.’
I hold the cigarette in my mouth as I find the foil from my pack and an old first aid needle.
‘…what are you doing?’
‘Poking holes in this foil.’
‘…why?’
I press the foil over the head of the flashlight and turn it on, setting it down so it shines up at the celing.
‘…oh my God…’
‘Orion, Scorpio, the Big Dipper and the North Star,’ I say.
‘…you got the right placement and everything.’
I twist the flashlight, covering half with a thumb.
‘Look – now it’s summer – now it’s winter. Now it’s summer – now it’s winter.’
She’s laughing. Christ, sometimes it is so great just to hear someone laughing.
‘Man, I missed having you around,’ she says.
‘I missed being around,’ I nod.
And now her lips graze my cheek in a peck. But not quite a peck. Something softer. Something that lingers.
‘So what’s sex like?’ she asks.
‘Pardon?’
‘I’ve accepted that I’m not getting it – I want to know what it’s like.’
And now I’m laughing.
‘I’m not comfortable with that.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because that’s… between me and Crow,’ I say.
‘Crow’s abandoned you,’ she reminds me.
The edge of her hand grazes the edge of mine. And stays there.
//
Crunch. Crunch. The gravel under my sandals.
poor child, back already? The Wolf’s huge, shaggy head rises to greet me as I reach the summit.
‘We’re the same age,’ I remind him.
perhaps – but I have more poise He falls onto his hindquarters.
what is your dilemma?
‘I really want to.’
what makes you think she’d have you?
‘Call it faith.’
the simple fact is
you should be with michelle
you loved her first.
‘Doesn’t hold weight,’ I shake my head, but he softly slaps his big tail against the ground.
not with logic
no, the Wolf says. Peircing, glowing, welcoming red eyes.
but nevertheless
it may be true
you believe it
don’t you.
‘I shouldn’t,’ I say.
but you will
Julianne
- 06.01.2023
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