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Fraternity Girl By Diana Kimberly Heche Part 1 - Making of a Fraternity Girl "God you look good," he said to me not for the first time, "we are going to have some real fun tonight, believe me. After tonight, you'll thank me." Kevin walked up behind me pressing his hard on against my ass. He ran his hands up my thigh high stockings and I could feel his breathing increase. His hands went up to my fake breasts and he squeezed the silicone falsies. Putting his hand in the middle of my back he pushed me over the back of the couch. My ass now was high in the air, I could feel my skirt slide up exposing my mesh black panties. Kevin looked me over from behind. "Damn you look good," he repeated. "How you walk in those super high heels is a mystery to me, but it looks mighty nice. You've got some legs. I wish we had more time ..." Kevin slipped a lubricated condom over his cock and rubbed it between my cheeks. He searched for the hole with the tip, and once he found it, slid it in. I moaned appreciatively as he reared back, sliding his dick deep in and out. The room was quiet except for our hard breathing and grunts combined with the slapping sound of his pelvis making contact with my butt cheeks. With a loud moan he came squeezing my hips hard, releasing the sperm into my ass. He grunted out, "Oh, you're such a good little girlfriend ..." "Now," he said to me, "get out of that skirt and put on some men's clothes. We'll be late for the meeting." I quickly pulled off the wig and slipped out of the stockings and panties, kicking off my heels. I unbuttoned my blouse unsnapped the bra quickly and the silicone enhancers fell to the floor. I gathered up the clothing and put them into a knapsack. I rushed to the bathroom and washed my face thoroughly, making sure not a speck of make up remained. Checking myself carefully, I certain I looked okay, I combed my hair, and threw on jeans and a sweater and left the bathroom. Kevin already had his jacket on and was beckoning me to hurry. We walked across campus at a brisk pace and we arrived just as the doors were going to be locked. Kevin seated himself in the front with the fraternity brothers and I stood against the wall with the rest of the potential pledges. This was a "weed out meeting" where the sitting members would determine which one of us would continue on in the pledging process. Most of the potential pledges who stood on the back wall next me fidgeted anxiously. We all were painfully aware, after all the hell we had been through to this point, only half would make it through to the second part of the process. Once we were re-introduced to the sitting members we were sent out to stand at the end of the hallway while the meeting continued. Kevin explained to me earlier that this was when they voted on which half of us would make it back. The other potential pledges mulled about in the hallway like nervous sheep. As soon as I heard the door click shut I ran downstairs to the mop closet and stood on a cinder block so I could put my ear to the ventilation grate. Three years ago, when Kevin was a pledge he found this closet when hiding from the fraternity members during a game much like "hide and seek". It was here he discovered the acoustics of this building were such that the sound from the main room wafted through the vents to this closet. Although he was breaking the trust of the fraternity, he let me in on his discovery so I could hear my fate spelled out. "First up," began a voice I was not familiar with, but I had yet to meet all 75 members, "is Lance Kennsington". My timing was perfect, they were discussing me first. The unfamiliar voice opened the discussion on my strengths: "Pros?" A series of voices barked out answers all at once which the first voice commanded to silence, "One at a time" he said. They began going over my strong points, "His parents are well off, he'll pay his dues." Another voice chimed in "He makes good grades, which would bring the house average up." and then a familiar voice, "He's been a good sport about playing along. And has the family name we need to better our image, not to mention he's from my hometown, lives just a few blocks away, as I recently found out ...so he gets the hometown vote from me. I've gotten to know him a bit and I give him a strong recommendation." The voice was Kevin's. "Cons?" the moderator asked the room, "He's thin and effeminate." There was a chorus of agreement, "We don't want to be the fraternity of little girly- boys do we?" Another loud chorus of "Here, here!" followed. Kevin's voice raised above the din again, "We are not about size, are we? Look at Patterson, look at Jones. They're lucky Dorothy's house landed on the witch instead of them when it touched down in Oz. Skinny? Manford looks like a Q-Tip, blonde hair and all. And ... please ... don't get me started about girly men," his comments were met by laughter, "It's simple, do the math. Kennsington is a good kid with a big heart. He's smart, and he is willing to do whatever it takes to get in this group. Therefore, he would be loyal, and make a fine member." Someone shouted and wanted to know when Kevin became protector of the meek, "Listen," Kevin said, "the meek shall inherit the earth. I'm just trying to get in good with a few." The room again roared with laughter. Kevin went on in his typically persuasive manner. "Listen, let's not make it easy though, let's have some fun with the kid. Coming up soon is pledge period in which we have the different potential members do all kinds of things. Most of you guys are pretty uninventive: a guy carries a rock around for the week or maybe wears a sign that says 'I'm a goof' or has to bring you breakfast in bed. Bo-ring! I've got something more adventurous and way more funny. For this guy, since he is so girly looking anyway, I say we make him into a girl for a week or so. Maybe have him pledge a sorority, whatever. If he can handle that huge embarrassing task, then he deserves to be a member because he obviously wants it badly. In fact, let's see how he handles this. I say his pledge name be 'Patricia'" The room piped up in agreement and laughter. I jumped off of the cinder block and raced back upstairs. I barely made it up the last stair when the door opened and my name was called. "Lance Kensington, enter." I walked into the room and stood before the full fraternity. The lead voice who I had heard in the mop room belonged to a large red haired boy who looked every bit a football player. In important tones he announced, "We have let you enter the second phase. Feel honored. Your pledge name will be ..." a couple snickers broke out from the room, "Patricia. This will make more sense as you learn of your pledge task." The room burst out with raucous glee. I looked at Kevin through the corner of my eye, he had manipulated the situation just as he planned. I thought back to when he hatched his plan ... *** The day that set everything into motion started three weeks ago when I pulled up in the drive way from school to my parent's empty house. They weren't due home from their ski trip for three more days, primarily because I misled them into believing that I would arrive home in four. I strolled around the house, sorted their mail and fixed myself what food I could find in the refrigerator and settled in for a nap. Basically I was killing time until tonight. I awoke refreshed and feeling fairly good. I was at home, it was Christmas time and all and all it was tough to complain. My grades were as good as could be expected for a freshman, and there were several fraternities that that seem to have an interest in me. On top of that I was one of the few freshman who lived in an apartment off campus with the luxury of having a roommate who spent nearly all of his time at his girlfriend's. I walked into the kitchen and rummaged through some drawers until I found a copy of my parent's hotel reservations confirming that they would indeed not be home for a few more days. I went outside to my car and pulled the "special" suitcase from the trunk and hauled it to my room. I opened it and inspected the contents. Everything was in good shape. It was time. I went into the bathroom and took a long hot shower. I placed my legs on the edge of the tub one at a time and carefully shaved what little leg hair I did have. Taking due care, I shaved my pubic hair into a nice neat triangle bikini cut. I ran my hand over my chest and face and noted that they were still smooth and hairless. The hair remover was working better and better each time, it had been days since I used it last. I finished the shower off, toweled myself dry and walked back into my bedroom. I pulled out a pair of hip padded black lace panties from my suitcase and slid them on. I inspected my panties over my bikini cut, not a hair to be seen. I took out my tan suspender pantyhose and stretched them over each arm checking for runs. I then rolled them over my feet and slid them up my freshly shaven legs, pointing my toe in an exaggerated fashion to emphasize the arch of my foot as I ran them up each leg. The sensual nylon felt fantastic against my skin. Adjusting the hip pads so that sat correctly under the hose, I wrapped the waist cincher very tightly around my mid section and buttoned the clasps shut. I took a Velcro stretch band and pulled it as hard as I could around the cincher until my stomach was pulled into a nice V shape. I grabbed my make up case and went to work on my face. I spread the foundation evenly, taking off any build up with a triangular sponge. The foundation gave my face a smooth even tone without looking like I was wearing much foundation at all. This was a look I was able to pull off because my face was nearly always hairless. I took my time and penciled my eyebrows so they looked darker and extended further over my eyes. I chose earth tones for my eye make up, brown and golden brown, and finished them with thick luscious mascara. I carefully lined my lips with a pencil to give them a fuller look, and filled them in with a dark chocolate colored lipstick. Looking at the brownish tones of my make-up, I decided tonight I would be a brunette. I combed out my human hair wig and hair sprayed it before applying to my head. I looked at myself carefully in the mirror. I looked good, but was only half done. I needed to decide what to wear. I left my room and entered my sister's. Since I was of slight build and we were only a year apart, we were approximately the same size. It was putting on her clothing early in life that I found out quite by accident, the joy of cross dressing. Even now, with a large amount of my sister's clothes with her in school, her collection obviously dwarfed the few outfits I could carrying around in my suitcase. I rummaged through the closet and found a brown skirt and matching low cut brown sweater. I dug around through her shoes and found a pair of dark brown four inch pumps that would go perfectly with the outfit. I took the clothes back into my room and finished creating the illusion. Knowing now what clothes I was going to wear, I pulled out the flesh colored bra. I then took surgical tape and taped my breasts together giving the look of shallow cleavage. I then put on the push up bra inserting silicone enhancers that cover my entire pec muscle. I looked at the result in the mirror, I had medium c-cup, pert, but full cleavage breasts. I slid the sweater over my head and was pleased with the result. My cleavage stood out nicely in the tight sweater. I slipped the skirt over my hose and pushed my feet into the pumps. Since I was especially pleased with the look of my breasts this time, I decided on my across-the-chest sling purse to emphasize their full roundness. I was ready to go out. Combing my hair again, I checked the final product. I looked like a cute freshman age girl should look. Perfect. I checked my watch. 9:30. A little early for the club, but I felt like going out for a quiet drink before. I put on a bracelet, short chain necklace and earrings, switched my watch for a smaller more feminine one and headed out for the night. The moment I got into my car and put my key in the ignition I heard a loud thud on the passenger window. My heart nearly jumped out of its chest. I looked over and time froze. It was Kevin Teller, one of the boys from school trying to get me into his fraternity. I was so alarmed at his presence it didn't even occur to me to wonder what he was doing here in front of my house some one thousand miles from the University. He was indicating for me to unlock the door. With a resigned sigh I did. He plopped down in the seat beside me. I calculated there was a small chance that he did not recognize me. I looked totally convincing as a girl and bared very little resemblance to my male counterpart. There have been a couple of instances in which someone who knew me as Lance looked me straight in the face when I was dressed, and not expecting it to be me, didn't know that it was. "Hi" Kevin said simply. His demeanor was friendly and warm. Maybe he didn't know. Again, I found myself having to make an instant decision. I decided that there was an entire range of emotions someone would display if they found out I crossed dressed, anything from outrage to curiosity to relief if they did so themselves. But not a casual conversational tone like nothing was out of the ordinary. I guessed he didn't know it was me. Using the feminine voice I had worked on for years, I said "Hi" back. Any pretense that I had was quickly burst. "Wow" he said, "you look just like a chick, and I'll be damned if you don't sound like one too." "Kevin," I began in my regular voice, not knowing what lie was going to come next. He interrupted me, "Yikes. Look, it's a little strange hearing THAT voice come out of that body. If you could just keep speaking like a girl, then I won't freak." He pulled a beer out of his coat, popped it and took a swig. "May I offer you some?" I shook my head. He smiled and said, "Listen, I have to apologize. I live three blocks from here. Small world huh? I found out you lived near me when I saw your address on the fraternity pledge application. I knew you were at home so I came over to surprise you and go for some beers." He laughed to himself, "Now here's where I misbehaved. I wasn't sure this was the house, so I took a peek in a couple windows to see if I could catch a clue or maybe see you moving about, no peeping tom stuff, just checking ..." I knew exactly where this was going to lead. "But then I saw you through the window putting on this stuff. I mean I know it's screwed up watching someone get dressed, but I have never seen anything like that. You really look good you know." He was light hearted and his usual flippant self. I wasn't sure what to make of this scene. "So," he asked me, "are you gay? Do you like chicks?" "No and yes." I answered, "Do you want a sex change?" "No." I answered. "So then you are a straight male who likes getting dressed in women's clothes for some reason." I looked over at him long and hard. His demeanor was not mocking in the slightest. This was honest curiosity. This was not how I expected this encounter to go. "Yes. That's right." He saw the expression on my face and added laughingly, "What? You thought I was some sort of caveman redneck who has never seen daytime TV? Who doesn't know about cross dressers? I just haven't actually MET any before. But seeing how good you look ... hell, maybe I have and I didn't know it. I have to admit though, this isn't what I expected when I came over tonight. Who thought some dude pledging our fraternity not only dresses like a chick but could look this damn good." He finished his beer. "Well, I came here to drink beer with you so let's drink some beer. I'll let you pick the bar." Kevin pulled another beer from his jacket with the same showmanship as a magician. "Didn't know I had another one in there, did you? In fact I have two. Do you want one?" I was feeling a little uncomfortable with Kevin in the car. I couldn't get a read on him and wasn't quite sure what his motives were. Was he gathering up as much information as he could to set me up for the ultimate humiliation at school? The thought made me shudder and more nervous, so I agreed to have the beer. "So where do you hang out when you're all dolled up, what bar did you choose?" I shot him another quick glance when he said "all dolled up", but again he spoke with no ridicule. "Well," I was imparting more of my private life to a virtual stranger than I expected, "I generally can go anywhere I want. But there's a club downtown that caters to cross dressers." With a shrug of his shoulders he said, "Well then, it's settled." We arrived at Club Cache earlier than I generally liked to. This was a late crowd. So at Kevin's suggestion, we bought some more beer and sat in the parking lot drinking and talking. We chatted lightly about the fraternity and school. He would ask an occasional question about what made Patricia, my feminine alter ego, tick, but for the most part he seemed content to drink his beer and shoot the breeze. It was nice actually. In the corner of my eye, I thought I caught him sneaking glances down my shirt or at my legs, but I couldn't be sure, I was beginning to get a little buzz. After an hour or so I decided it was time. I was going to let Kevin further into my world. I gathered up my nerve and lead Kevin up to the door of the club. Like many of the cutting edge places in this town, only a large man in front of a steel black door and a small line of people told you that you were even in front of a club at all. No signs or advertisements of any kind were to be seen. "Hold on to your hat Kevin", I warned him as we paid the bouncer and walked through the doors. Kevin who had been so nonplussed just a moment ago, was now wide eyed in disbelief. He paused dead in his tracks. Club Cache was a lot to take in all at once. Undoubtedly, he was suffering from stimuli overload. I stood back with him and tried to see this through his eyes ... remember how I felt the first time I saw it. Club Cache was loud. Dance music pumped through the room assaulting everything with its infectious bass beat. It was a darker place that Kevin was probably used to and it wasn't the kind of club you could take in with a single sweep of your eyes no matter how well it would have been lit; it was too huge and people swirled about everywhere with kinetic energy fueled by the pulse of the music. There were little side rooms out of sight with smaller bars and pool tables where people could mix with less noise and more intimacy. There were rows of tables surrounding the dance floor and the dance floor itself surrounded a stage. Then there were the girls. Club Cache was not a collection of part time cross dressers who came out once a month to support each other and have a couple of drinks, although they were there and an important part of the scene. No, Club Cache was mostly for the girls who came out to sizzle. These women had breast implants and surgery galore - many lived as girls full time, many made a living as TG performers. Kevin's eyes widened as he took in clothing that he would rarely see outside of such walls ...indecent exposure laws did not exist here. The highest of high heel pumps and stripper style platform shoes were the norm, mesh shirts proudly exposing every inch of newly purchased breasts; fishnet hose and tight super short miniskirts displaying miles of legs, vinyl shorts showing off the roundest of round asses - and all of this gyrating like wild around the dance floor or struttingly invitingly around the bar. These women worked hard and long to get to the point where they looked this good... and they reveled in it ... and they showed it. Kevin leaned over and asked the question that I knew was coming, "All these girls, are they actually guys? I mean some of them I can sort of tell are guys ... well sort of ... I think ... but look over there ...I mean that one has huge tits." I laughed. "Most of the women you see here were once or are t-girls. All the ones dressed to the nines, definitely. The ones in old jeans and baggy sweatshirts ... probably not. But," I held my finger up in a warning of sorts, "calling one of them 'dude' or 'guy' could be about the worst thing you can do." Kevin laughed at my warning. He was such an easy going guy I decided. "How in the world would I call someone with a rack and a pair of legs like that a guy? She's the best looking thing I've seen in weeks ... um next to you, I mean." That strange comment caught me off guard. Not only did he just comment on the beauty of woman he knew to be a t-girl without a touch of irony, but he doubled back off of his comment like a man on a first date who casually and quite accidentally mentions a better looking woman. Not for the first time I wondered what Kevin was thinking. He put his hand between my shoulder blades indicting that he wanted me to lead him through the crowd. Another odd thing to do. "Time for a drink," he announced. "Yes, I agreed." We leaned against the bar and Kevin bought us a couple more beers, I had seen him put away quite a few at fraternity parties, but it had never failed to amaze me. The woman next to Kevin nonchalantly slid her hand across his ass. Kevin casually, as he seemed to with everything, took her in with his eyes. She was wearing flesh tone shorts that clung tightly and notably did not cover the bottom of her butt cheeks which were round and inviting. Her top was a matching see through material over a mesh see through bra exposing her very large, rounded breasts to the world. She wore toweringly high black strappy platform shoes and her legs were shapely and lean. She was very pretty with pouty lips and an exotic not quite Asian not quite Spanish not quite European look which was an eye catching contrast to her blonde hair. The single word to sum her up would be: hot. "Do you dance?" She asked him. There was another strange moment where Kevin glanced quickly over to me. For an awkward time there, I thought he was going to ask me if it were okay. It was then that I realized in Kevin's mind, be it conscious or unconsciously, he was treating this outing with the same set of rules he would with any girl in somewhat similar circumstance. To my great relief, he spared us that embarrassing situation and turned back to the woman. "Oh, most definitely." I watched Kevin take the woman in his hand and move out to the dance floor. Kevin was unquestionably a handsome and charismatic young man, and the line of eager girls in the wings back at school to proved it. He had the boyish charm of someone who drank beers from a hidden pocket of his jacket, yet had the sophistication to settle into the world of gender bending with only the most normal of curiosity. And as I was seeing now, he moved well. All of the many years I had ventured out, I never really considered male companionship. As a girl, I enjoyed the company of men, I liked the attention. But, as a male, I was straight. Many of my "girlfriends" had sexual encounters and encouraged me to do so. But I was not game. The men I had met outside of places like Club Cache, generally did not know my true gender. As nice as they were, that was too great of a hurdle for me. And Club Cache, although a very fun place, was a serious meat market. More than a few of the girls in here were pros, so the expectancy to get laid was very high, and a lot of the guys who frequent this place were here for just the single encounter - even if they had to pay for it. For me, it was not the best circumstance to explore my sexuality, even if I were to experiment, it would require a certain comfort level. Kevin was on and off the dance floor with various girls all night. There was no question he was having a great time. When the lights came on several hours later and the bouncers were sweeping us out the door, Kevin looked reluctant to leave. His eyes followed some of the hotter girls as they made way towards the exit. "Quite a night" I said to Kevin once we were back in my car. Quite a night was the understatement of the evening. "You got that right," he said in response. We drove home talking about this and that making light conversation on the way. I pulled up in my driveway, "I'll save you the explanations with your parents and drop you off here," I informed him. "Exactly," he agreed, "I've got a girlfriend back here at home, and I don't need the parents asking questions," He put his hands in his pockets and traced a half circle with his loafers on the pavement. "Are your folks home? Do you think I could grab another beer before I left?" I didn't see why not. Kevin was pleasant company, and his non judgmental care free behavior tonight was such an unexpected surprise. It was amazing how I had gone from the greatest of dread when he knocked on my car window to the feeling of relief in having someone in on my life's secret. Once inside the house, I kicked off my heels and padded over to the refrigerator. Rummaging through, I managed to find a couple of beers. The house wasn't very well stocked in my parent's absence. I stood up with the beers and almost dropped them with surprise. Kevin was standing right behind me. He stood the awkwardly for a moment, then seemed to make up his mind. "I'm sorry, I've been wanting to do this for hours," Putting his hands lightly on my hips he moved his lips in close. After just a moment of hesitation, he gently kissed my lips slowly and caringly. I froze for a moment unsure of myself and what I felt. I decided to let go and kiss him back. Moments later we were locked in an intense impassioned kiss and embrace. I slid my pantyhose clad leg up the side of his pants while his hands searched my body exploringly. The heat was becoming intense. I let my hand slide between his legs to find him hard and ready. I grabbed his hand, picked up my heels, and not wanting to let the reality of my male pictures interfere with the moment, lead him to my sister's bedroom. I pushed him back onto the bed and lay on top of him. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do but the passion seemed to guide me. I unbuttoned his shirt and licked his chest and washboard stomach. Undoing his pants, I let his hard on spring free. I slowly took it into my mouth and worked it up and down, licking and kissing it, guiding it down my throat. I bobbed my head up and down, pressing his shaft between my lips. It was strange to have a penis in my mouth, the texture was strange almost like hard rubber, not what I expected. But the sounds of enjoyment he made encouraged me to do this well. After awhile, Kevin stopped me, pulled my head up, and planted a large wet kiss on me. He stood me up and slid my skirt down my legs. He kneeled beside me, running his hands across my hosiery and lightly nibbled on my ass. His allowed his hand slide over my tucked cock on a couple of occasions. He then gently guided me down onto my stomach on the bed and slid my panties and panty hose until only my ass was exposed. Reaching into his pants on the floor, his slipped on a condom. "It'll hurt," I said, "No, it's lubricated, it should work," he reassured me. Kevin kissed and licked my ass taking his time, moving with pleasurable ease. He placed the tip of his dick on my hole and pushed it past the sphincter and stopped. I flinched at first waiting for more pain. But Kevin left it barely inside of my ass. He pushed aside my hair and was now patiently licking and biting my neck. Very slowly he began to ease his cock in. My sphincter relaxed. It was an enjoyable, pleasurable feel. He moved slowly in and out until he gained a rhythm. Soon, he was gently pumping my butt cheeks. I moaned in the most female enjoyment as I felt my ass filled by his cock. It was a strange, but intimate pleasure to have his body inside of mine. Kevin finally slid deep into my hole and exploded, wave after wave. I felt myself explode in unison, sperm shooting upward toward my stomach. Instead of rolling off, Kevin just lay there until his penis softened and was squeezed out of my hole. He rolled over and fell asleep. The next morning I awoke before he did. I felt a slight panic as to what to do next. I jumped in the shower and cleaned up. I wasn't sure what was going to happen when he woke up sober and remembered what he did. I wasn't even really sure how I felt. I only knew that it seemed like the right thing last night, and it was wonderful. I heard a knock on the bathroom door. I wasn't going to wait long to see how this played out. It was Kevin. My heart raced a thousand miles an hour. He pushed the door half way open and stood behind it. "Wanna go to breakfast?" he shouted. "Yes," I answered in my Patricia voice. "Who's coming, Patricia or Lance? Patricia's better looking, but Lance and I can go smack some balls at the batting cage later. And I thought not for the last time, who is this guy? I went to breakfast as Lance after promising my night to Kevin again as Patricia. We sat and ate our food while Kevin mostly talked. He didn't mention last night and spoke to me in the way he had before he knew my secret. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he had no attraction to me in my male garb, which for some reason made me feel better ... made Patricia more of a real woman. Only at the end of the meal did he make mention of Patricia. "I've been thinking. I've hatched a way to get Patricia on campus where she and I can get together more often. And if I do say so, it's pure Kevin Teller genius. *** Two day after the acceptance meeting, and three and a half weeks after Kevin Teller first learned of my secret, I found myself sitting in the fraternity meeting room once again. The gathering this time was a much smaller collection of just the House's officers and "pledge trainers", those who ran the potential member's program. Their chairs formed a semi- circle facing me. "Lance Kensington, you've made it to the second round of pledging. From here it gets easier and harder at the same time," the head pledge trainer informed me, "Harder because we will demand more of you. Easier, because you are no longer subject to the member's whims to get in ... just do what is asked of you and you are set. Do you understand?" I expressed that I did. "Good, good. Now Lance, are you familiar with what a pledge task is?" "Yes I am. It is where a fraternity member gives me a task to complete. I must complete all the tasks for final acceptance." "That is correct. Now your pledge tasks are very unusual in one respect. Everyone has given you the same task or a variation of that task - to dress up like a girl. Since everyone has given you this task, they will run concurrently, like jail sentences. Otherwise you would be dressed up like a girl until you were a senior." He laughed at the prospect. "Okay the rules are simple. With the exception of any PE courses or extra-curricular sports, you will remain at all times as a girl for the next three weeks. Including weekends. If any of us catch you without chick clothing, you lose points. Another rule: the entire time, we will refer to you by your pledge name Patricia and you will refer to yourself as the same." "Sundays from 1:00 until first class Monday mornings are yours to dress as you like. We figure if you have to run any errands off-campus, that would be the time. We don't want you to get hassled by the locals, this is a joke after all. And if something were to happen to you, we're in trouble for hazing. Lastly, since we figure you don't know the first thing about looking like a chick, we are assigning some of the fraternity's little sisters to help you out. Use them, because if it looks like you are doing this half-asked, we will black ball you from entering our ranks. Understood?" I nodded again. "Okay, good. You can leave. On the way out tell that pledge Morrison to bring his big ass in here from the hallway and get his task." Leaving the fraternity I walked across campus to the parking lot where I left my car and thought about what just happened; every member in the fraternity had decided one a single pledge task - dressing me as a girl. This single mindedness was a completely unprecedented event. That too, undoubtedly, was the work of Kevin Teller's highly charismatic and persuasive manner. He is pulling the strings to go just the way he wants it. Now the question is ... do I want it? My emotions were whirling. I was confident in my ability to transform myself into this girl that they wanted. As Kevin found out recently, I have been able for years to move about as a woman and go undetected as I shopped, lunched, or went to bars. But this was different. I was a bit fearful of what the result of my being TOO real would be. Would they suspect the truth? And what about these little sisters helping me, I knew more about transforming into Patricia than they could ever know. They may be the experts on make-up, shoes and clothes, but how would they react to my expertise with waist cinchers, padded panties and false breasts? On the other hand, I also knew I had come too far, and had too much pride in my female self to do this, as the pledge trainer call it, "half-assed". And how many times have I looked from my window towards campus dressed as Patricia, afraid to go out, and wished I could move about freely as I felt like it, picking my gender to go with my mood? But even now, thinking about the prospect of bringing out Patricia made me feel a certain anxious anticipation to get started despite my mixed feelings of fear and dread. This was going to be a strange ride. I took a deep breath. This was a rare opportunity, a license to be Patricia all day every day out in the open. Again, I thought of how easily Kevin guided things to unfold this way. But was this a gift to me, or a gift to him? I wondered. *** The next few days my life rolled along in a fairly routine fashion; going to class, studying, drinking beers, watching TV. Friday evening this all changed with a knock on my apartment door. I got off my couch to and swung it open to find two young ladies that I vaguely recognized. I assumed they were a couple of the fraternity's little sisters. It appears that weren't very sure as to who I was either. "Lance?" one of them asked tentatively. "Speaking." I responded. "I'm Kim," the taller fair skinned red haired girl of the two said and pointing to her slightly shorter blonde friend, "this is Beverly. We were sent by Max at the fraternity ..." She let the sentence trail off. "So you are the two who plan to imprison me in the garb of a girl." I responded putting them at ease. Beverly giggled and said "Yeah, that's us. We're supposed to take you over to the dorm and get you fixed up tonight." This caught me off guard. I fully expected that I would be getting dressed in my own apartment. "Come in" I said, "There are cokes and beers in the fridge, help yourself. I have to get some things." I went into my bedroom and quietly locked the door. I dumped the contents of my special suitcase on the bed. My mind raced as I tried to determine what of this I should bring and what of this I should leave to give the right balance of looking good yet not looking like I have done this for years. I quickly rummaged through my make-up. I grabbed the mascara, the lipstick, the eyebrow and lip pencils because they looked fairly new. My foundation and powder were tried and true and looked the part. I would have to leave those behind. I grabbed my padded underwear, waist cincher, corset, and silicone breasts, padded push up bra, and threw them quickly into the knapsack. Lastly I grabbed my heels and wig and put them into the bag. I was as ready as I would ever be. I walked out into the room. The girls were drinking one of my beers and guessing badly to the Jeopardy questions on the television. "Okay ladies, I'm all yours." Again, the two giggled at the prospect of what lay ahead. We made the ten minute walk onto campus to their dorm room. When we arrived in their room, there were no less than six girls in there. They all had handfuls of clothing, make-up and other items they were ready to try out on me. I did a quick survey of what they had and realized this was going to be tricky. One girl in the corner had a matronly grandmother sweater and a bra that was size EE at least. She had two balloons blown up to the size of small basketballs and a pair of house slippers at her feet. Another was wearing a costume Cleopatra wig that I assumed was for me, and which I calculated to cost no more than fifteen dollars - a far cry from the hundreds spent on the human hair wig in my back pack. Looking around the room it made a great deal of sense to me. They were going to dress me up so that I was the female equivalent of the pledge who has to push a wheelbarrow of dirt everywhere he went - a joke. And why wouldn't they? To them, and they assumed for me, this was a joke. Transforming me as realistic a woman as possible never even crossed their radar screen. But as I looked around, the one thing I did know, I wasn't wearing that stuff. Beverly, the shorter blonde girl, did a quick around the room introduction. The girls were in a playful mood, drinking beers and teasing me. "Oooh, you're going to be lovely" was one typical comment made. After laughing and playing around for a bit, Kim, the tall fair skinned girl, announced it was time to get started. The girl who brought the sweater held it up to me and decided that she thought it would fit. She wanted me to try on the huge grandmother bra on the outside of my shirt to check it's fit as well. This was going badly. I gathered my nerve and spoke up, "Ladies, ladies, easy, easy," I said in my most casual voice. My brain was racing ahead trying to figure out what I was going to say next, "I didn't know that you girls were going to help me and I already bought a bunch of pretty wild stuff off of the Internet and had it Fed Exed," my lie began, "I was going to try it on last night to see if it fit, but I couldn't make myself do it. Just seems too weird to dress up in women's stuff." The girls all piped in at once wanting to know what I bought. "I'm embarrassed to show you," actually speaking truthfully this time. "Maybe if you give me a couple of beers, I can go into the bathroom and try this stuff on. Just don't be surprised if I don't come back out" The girls again playfully teased me, but were game for the suggestion. Grabbing the beers and my knapsack, and taking a deep breath, I walked into the bathroom. I quickly stripped down and ran my hand over my legs and face. Both were still as smooth as a baby's bottom. I slip into my lace hip padded panties. I opened up a new pair of new jet black pantyhose and slid them up my legs. Even in this nerve racking situation, I stopped to take the time to run my hands up my shapely pantyhose clad legs. I put on the waist cincher and wrapped the Velcro strap around my mid section tightly to restrict my waist. I paused and wondered if I should go this far, but decided to: I taped my chest muscles together, and put on the padded push up bra. Once I slipped in the breast forms for cleavage, they looked small, pert and very real. I put on a low cut black t-shirt. I was reaching for the black skirt and changed my mind. Calculating the reaction of the girls outside, I slipped into a brown skirt which matched poorly. I then slipped my feet into the equally mismatched brown pumps I had brought. I placed the wig on my head and didn't comb it out. Throwing both beers down quickly, I stepped out of the bathroom, doing a stage wobble on the heels for effect. The reaction from the girls in the room was surprise and amusement. Kim stared at my nearly, and purposely, unfinished product and said simply, "Wow." Another girl stood up and inspected me closely. "If I had legs like that ..." Kim looked at my cleavage with some admiration, "that bra does wonders, it's incredible ..." As the girls looked me over their attitude shifted. They saw that I could be fixed up nicely, but also saw I wasn't quite there. The girl who had been holding the grandmother bra looked at my shoes and said, "You know, your feet look a lot smaller in heels. I have a pair of shiny strappy black heels that would look sooo sexy and may actually fit you." Another girl chimed in that she had a black stretch skirt. Soon the entire room was moving in and out, knocking on people's doors to borrow clothes that fit. One of the girls sat me down and did my make-up and was shocked at the outcome. "Oh dear god," she said, "you're actually pretty." She used a different style and approach than I did, but the outcome was smoldering. Once completed I stood before the girls in the outfits they had chosen; a tight clingy black skirt to go with my jet black hose. I wore a pair of strappy sexy heels that were about four inches high. My top was a black body suit that was criminally low cut with a sweater that opened in my midriff but did nothing to hide my tits. As I examined myself in the clothes and make-up much racier than the conservative choices I generally made, I had to admit I looked particularly hot. Kim looked at me and summed up what everyone was thinking. "Absolutely unbelievable. It would be such a waste to just sit around here ...you look way too good. What do you say we all get dressed and go out and dance." As the girls returned from showering and getting dressed, I could see that my garb had some influence on the night's style; most of the girls were dressed in skimpy inviting outfits. I glanced around at the long legs and short skirts and could feel my tucked penis tingle with longing. The prospect of going out with this girl that they had, as far as they knew, created themselves had them energized. Nearly ten girls were in our group and ready to go. We decided to go to the popular dance club right outside the walls of campus. We marched across campus to the admiring stares of passing guys and jealous girls. We were stopped on several occasions by boys who recognized some of the girls and wanted to know what they were up to. Each time the girls made a scene of introducing me as Patricia, and asking the guys what they thought of me. All commented in the positive and the girls would just laugh and move on, whispering to themselves about how much fun this was going to be. The walk to the club was going to take no less than fifteen minutes and I wasn't going to break an ankle pretending to wobble around on heels that I could navigate on as well as any of them. My adeptness did not go unnoticed. Sharon made a comment to the group about how quickly I picked it up and I waved it off with a lie about how I've always had good balance. I smiled to myself as I remembered just how awkward I was when I actually did don a pair of heels for the first time. There would have been no way I could have made it this a quarter this far. We got to the club and I had a panicked moment as we stood in line to get in. At home, I was careful to go to places that didn't card, and most of the T- clubs didn't ask for an ID as a rule. Kim leaned up to the bouncer and whispered into his ear for a few moments and they laughed lightly together. Kim smiled at me, "You're being carded Patricia, show the man your license." I pulled my Lance ID out of my borrowed small black purse, the bouncer stared at my license for a moment then handed it back as if nothing was out of the ordinary. But not being able to help himself he commented, "You look much better in person." He flashed me a winning smile. We all sat around a table and ordered a round of drinks. I looked around the club and couldn't help but compare it to Club Cache. They definitely were two different worlds. There wouldn't be too many mesh shirts showing off breasts in this place, and I doubted seriously if there were more girls in here doing the groping than the guys. Sharon leaned over the table and pulled everyone in for a conference. "No one in here but the bouncer knows about Patricia's ... true origins ... we have to keep it a secret and have fun with it." They laughed hard as they looked at me. They could see as well as I could that I was getting checked out along with some of them, and they were enjoying what to them was a little game. Four guys walked over to the table and squatted down to talk. One of them planted himself between me and Sharon. He was obviously trying to charm one of us into a dance but was asking the usual "what year are you" and "what's your major" type questions. I sat silently sipping my drink and let Sharon do all of the answering. But Sharon, who was giddy on the idea of how I looked, kept making side remarks to the guy on how good I looked. "Have you ever seen a sexier pair of legs? You should see her move about in those sexy high heels". Another time she referred him to my breasts, asking him what he thought of my cleavage, and another she asked him about my ass. At this point, the young man, who had a passing interest to begin with, now eyed me in an entirely different fashion. It was one thing to be dressed a touch risque, but what were just inside jokes to Sharon sounded like hints I was on the sexual prowl to him. What came next was entirely predictable. "Dance?" he asked. The music had slowed down a moment ago and couples were pairing off on the dance floor. The table of girls who, while pretending the best they could not to be eavesdropping, watched with various mixtures of amusement. Several of the girl's shouted for me to dance while Sharon practically picked me up from my chair to go with him. When the guys had come over to the table, I had been avoiding speaking, because I was not entirely sure what was going to come out of my mouth. I had worked a good number of years in perfecting Patricia's voice. I had the female cadence and every small detail, even the giggle down. In addition, because I had been self conscious about my slight and effeminate size most of my life, I had worked just as hard to make Lance's voice deeper and more resonant than my natural tones would have been otherwise. The difference would be striking. I decided to say nothing. With a wry smile, I gave him my hand and he lead me out to the floor. He quickly pulled me in closer than I was comfortable with and I could feel my breasts forms press against his chest. His hand was on my lower back as he swayed slowly from side to side. The entire table of girls had stopped what they were doing and watched me intently. The were mesmerized by the scene, by his obvious lust, and weren't sure whether to be amused or horrified. As we swayed I felt him grow hard. He pulled me in tighter to feel his bulge. I could hear the murmurs from the table as he began to not so discreetly rub his crotch against me. His hand slipped down my back and he cupped my butt cheeks through my thin skirt in his hands. Burning with embarrassment, I asked him to stop. He complied and his hands returned to my back. The music stopped. I looked up to thank him and quickly get back to the table. Before I realized what was happening, he squeezed me in tight and planted a long hard kiss on my lips. I felt every inch of his dick as it pressed against me. For a moment I was tempted by his passion to just let myself go. Through Kevin I had learned the enjoyment of giving pleasure as a woman and even learned to enjoy having my ass filled with manhood. But it wasn't going to happen this time, not with this guy, not in this situation. I put both my hands on his chest and pushed away lightly enough not to make a scene. Having misread all of the signals he had been getting from Sharon about me, he quickly apologized and moved off to rejoin his friends. I sat back down at the table with the girls. I took a long hard swig of my drink. There was an uncomfortable moment as all eyes were upon me. They were still unsure what to make of all that. I after all, just had a hard-on rubbed against me and was locked in a passion filled embrace. I wasn't sure what to think either, but I wasn't appreciating the attention or discomfort at this point. It was time for humor. I leaned into the table and staged whispered just loud enough for them to hear, "I think I make a better lesbian. I'm not real fond of that whole razor stubble thing." That broke the tension and they exploded with laughter and relief. I was being quite the sport through it all. Kim whispered back across the table, "God you even sound like a girl. No wonder these boys are chasing you around the bar." "Well I better learn to run a little faster apparently," we laughed again. The rest of the night we circled our wagons, danced together and had a great time. I laughed and made jokes, and the girls got to genuinely like me. As the hours poured on, and the novelty partially wore off, they would occasionally forget themselves and treat me as I looked, sounded and moved; as Patricia. I was told by a few of the girls that we would have to hang out together. A few even joked about getting me in to pledge their sorority. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would find myself as one part of a large group of girlfriends who knew who I am ... but here I was. But how long could this last? Monday I would have to report to the fraternity, as Patricia, and prove I am doing the pledge task. Soon word would be all over campus and everyone would know who I was. How would that change everything? I would find out soon enough. Part 2 Sunday afternoon I had been feeling nervous about what lie ahead. Once Patricia presented herself to the fraternity, then there could be no predicting the path that would thereafter follow. I called Kevin to see if he were around and wasn't able to locate him. His roommate indicated he was "out and about". Although he didn't say Kevin was with a girl in so many words, I found myself in the strange, very surprising position of being jealous on two separate yet convoluted levels. I found that I envied the fact that he was so good with women, something I have never been. The handful of girls that had come into my life were always kept at arms distance because of Patricia. Anytime you have another secret woman in your life it creates problems, even if that woman is you. But strangely, I was equally jealous that Kevin had an eye for other girls. I knew it was stupid but it pained me somewhat because a great deal of the risk I was about to take was on his account. It pained me too as I pondered the sexual confusion I have been feeling of late and wondered exactly who I was and what this meant. What I did know was that I didn't want to be alone in the apartment, alone inside my own head worrying myself to death. I just wasn't able to deal with these strange feeling Kevin brought out in me. Digging around in the purse I had borrowed over the weekend, I found a phone number. I picked up the phone and dialed. "Kim hey, it's ... Lance ... how're you doing?" I heard a giggle on the other end. "I'm not familiar with any 'Lance's' you wouldn't happen to be a friend of Patricia's by chance?" "One in the same." I answered, "What are you guys up to?" I asked tentatively. I wasn't really sure where I was going with this conversation. "Hmmm... well we aren't certain. We had plans but they fell through because ... could you hold on a moment?" I heard her call to Beverly. The conversation was muffled, probably due to Kim covering the receiver with her hand, but very spirited. It went on long enough that leaving me unattended on the line was verging on becoming rude. A few moments later Kim was back. "Lance, how's Patricia feeling?" I wondered where this was going. I suspected they wanted Patricia to make an appearance today. "Fine. Why?" Kim stammered a bit then said, "hey listen, why don't we come over and go out with Patricia tonight. We sort of need a favor from her." With a shrug that could not be seen over the phone lines, I agreed, "Sure" This is what I had been hoping for when I picked up the phone. Kim and Beverly arrived at my apartment almost directly. They were both dressed casual, but nice. Both wore skirts and were bare legged with low heels and nice blouses. They were far from the Sunday afternoon uniform of sweat pants and tops found on most girls today. They were carrying two large trash bags stuffed with clothes, shoes and make-up. "We didn't really have time to pack this stuff up." Beverly smiled with near embarrassment, "but we brought a bunch of things that would be cute on Patricia. Why don't you find her and we'll tell you what we're up to." "I'll be a bit," I told them, "You remember where the fridge and remote are." I hopped in and out of the shower and carefully shaved my legs. I had used hair remover on my face and chest yesterday and was still good to go, both were as smooth as plastic. I took the razor and cleaned up my bikini line just a touch. I threw on a bathrobe stopping in the living room on the way to my bedroom. The girls had quickly found the beers and were looking carefully at my CD collection. The look on their faces told me that they were not seen anything they liked so far. "Okay, give me those trash bags. Time to get dressed." I said. Even though I had spent an entire successful night with these girls as Patricia, there was still a uncomfortable hesitation. I decided a couple of those beers wouldn't be such a bad idea. I took the bags of clothes and beers and retreated to the bedroom. I chugged down a beer and emptied the contents of the bag on the bed. They were right, a lot of these clothes were very cute. I sorted through them and created an outfit. I chose a long flowing blue print skirt that came to my ankles, but was split nearly all the way up the side. I slipped on my lace hip padded panties, and rolled a new pair of nude pantyhose over my legs. I slowly rubbed my penis through the nylon a couple of times, feeling the sensual material stimulate me before tucking my penis away tightly. I ran my stockinged foot up the side of my opposite leg. The nylon against nylon sensation drove me wild. My chest was looking too smooth and feminine not to show it off. I taped my chest muscles together creating shallow cleavage and placed them along with the silicone breast forms into a padded strapless bra. I cinched up my waist into a V shape then slid a blue matching tube top over the bra, pinning it to the top of the bra cups from the inside. I didn't want to even have to think about the consequences of this top sliding down. I found a light blue sweater that I put on to cover my shoulders. I looked at the effect. The long skirt and sweater played nicely against the now ample cleavage and bare chest. My legs, although hidden when standing swung through the high slit with every step I took. I liked what I saw, sexy, yet somehow chaste. Tonight was definitely a night I wanted to have the long blonde locks. I put the wig onto my head and glanced at the six pair of shoes on the bed. There were a pair of navy strappy backless heels, very high, that caught my attention. I slid my feet into the heels and modeled them in front of the mirror. The shapeliness of my nylon encased feet and naked heel curved nicely into my calf. The skirt fell just to my ankles highlighting my curvy peds and occasional flash of leg. Leaving their stuff alone, I pulled open my make-up kit and carefully applied the cosmetics. I did the final checks and was very pleased with the end result. I walked out into the room to join Kim and Beverly. "Damn," Kim said, "I thought maybe you looked so good the other night because I was tipsy and it was dark. But it's broad daylight and I'm sober. I just can't get over it. Wow." Beverly looked me over with pleasant but narrow eyes, "Told you" she said to Kim. Then turning to me: "I don't even have a body like that. Look at those tits, maybe you can show ME some tricks to accentuate my body. Wow." "Glad to," I said, now speaking as Patricia. "But you're a pretty girl. Both of you. I don't really think you need any help." The girls sat me down and began to chit chat about non consequential things. I noted they made several trips to get me beers whenever I was even close to being done with my last. Even if I hadn't used the technique so many times before, I would have recognized it. They were trying to get me a bit drunk. Since they still hadn't told me what they had in mind for tonight, from the way the were fetching beers, I assumed it would be a doozy. "Okay guys, I know you're up to something. Spill the beans." Kim took a swig of her beer and spit out their plan in a machine gun like fashion, "Two guys we met over at State, a couple of cuties, are coming over tonight spend a few days at the University. Only they're bringing another guy, says he has some business here or something ..." I stood up and held my hand in the stop position. Anyone could see where this was going. "Whoa. Hold on," I said "Let me see if I understand the math of this story: a couple of cuties plus one other guy brought along equals three. Three guys." The girls exchanged looks. I continued, "Kim plus Beverly equals two. Two girls. So you guys searched the dorms for someone to play third wheel to this guy and you couldn't find one. Until I called." Again, the two girls just silently exchanged glances. "Maybe this would be a good time to point out," I said, "That on top of liking girls and not guys, I happen to BE a guy." A slow smile grew on Beverly's face. She moved over and sat on the arm of my chair running her hand up and down my back. Her tone was humorously condescending "Patricia, honey. Look. It's obvious that you haven't gone out on many dates with guys ... maybe its because you've only been a girl for two days, maybe because of your true plumbing." She laughed, "But despite what many guys may think, spending time with an absolute stranger for the first time does not have to lead to anything but spending time with an absolute stranger for the first time. Look Patricia, we just need someone to hang out with this guy so he's not cramping our style. That's all. We're not asking you two to go and pick curtains out together." Kim laughed nervously. Despite their sound reasoning, everyone in the room understood what was happening here. I said it aloud. "On a scale of deception, I can't think of one larger. It puts me, it puts him, it puts us ALL in a very strange and frankly bad position. The consequences of getting caught are too high." "I've seen Patricia in action, she's as girly as she would need to be not to get caught" Kim said, "and unless she's planning to PUT herself in a bad position, like say, dropping her pants, we'll be okay." Kim put on her best wounded face, "Please?" And for a reason that I still do not understand, and would come to regret, I agreed. *** I was too nervous about meeting the guys on campus or my place. The girls were sure it would have been okay reasoning with the blonde wig and day time make up, I looked entirely different than I did the other night. I had to patiently explain that while that may be somewhat true, I had to dress as Patricia for three more weeks. And while there were many ways to change my look - my hair color, my hip and breast size, my make up - there weren't THAT many. People may not connect the dots today, but perhaps they would somewhere down the line. Dressing up like a girl for a fraternity prank was one thing, being seen going out with guys was entirely another. I was just a touch annoyed that I would even have to explain this. However, they seemed to understand and to make things less complicated for me, the girls decided on a coffee shop off campus. The three guys from State arrived promptly which I found impressive considering it was a three hour drive. They had, however, rented a hotel room to clean up and had been in the area for some time. We did the introductions and sat down for more coffee. They were all easy going guys who made the light jokes expected from students attending a rival school. I could tell why Kim and Beverly were taken with these guys, even to the casual eye one had to admit they were handsome and charming. Beverly and Kim had obviously known them for at least a little time, and were comfortable with their putting their arms around them. Ben, the third wheel of the group, was obviously taken by me and paid me a great deal of attention ... enough so that I was a bit uncomfortable. He had turned his chair so that he was facing me and asked me question after question. He laughed charmingly at even the slightest joke and paid me a wealth of compliments. And every one at the table could see any time I recrossed my legs, exposing them and the strappy backless very high heels for a brief moment before I adjusted my skirt to cover them, that he eyed me lustily. Kim and Beverly shot me glances which alternated between apologetic, amused and secretive. After coffee we decided to catch a film at the New World Cineplex, a nineteen screen monster showing everything currently playing and a handful that weren't. I had pushed for this idea earlier because theaters are dark and not conducive to mixing with others, lowering my chances of being seen and recognized later. Once we got outside into the parking lot we casually separated into two groups. Ben had driven alone knowing that five people could not fit in the other car. Beverly quickly shrugged a quiet "I'm sorry" for leaving me alone with Ben. I didn't like it, but also understood any clumsy rearranging of cars at this late point would just insultingly indicate that I didn't trust myself alone in Ben's company. On the short trip over, Ben continued questioning me and telling me how nice and pretty I was. I answered his inquiries cryptically as possible without being rude and nodded at each compliment. When he thought I wasn't watching him, his eyes took in my form greedily. We all regrouped in the theater parking lot and went into the film. We sat side by side, boy-girl, boy-girl in obvious "date formation". I was on the very outside, shielded from the others by Ben, definitely not where I wanted to be. To complicate the situation the girls had chosen a romantic comedy making everything about this experience scream date. As Ben settled in, I could feel him attempt to work his way in closer. And despite the uncomfortableness of his sexual desire, I was suddenly amused as I realized how many times I had been in his place. The poor guy isn't doing any more than I would have ... slyly trying to make a move. I fought not to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of my situation and had to fake a cough to cover it up. I knew I wasn't going to let him sneak a kiss or even put his arm around me, of course, but at least I was able to relax more knowing this was a nice normal guy doing the nice normal thing. I was the one who was a bit out of place in this situation. However, my relaxed mood was not to last. Sliding into chairs several rows ahead of us was Kevin Teller. The girl who slid into the chair and under his arm next to him was unknown to me. I felt a jolt of anxious adrenaline. As soon as they were seated he leaned over and gave her a long hard kiss. Despite myself, my emotions changed. I felt an odd burning sensation. It was the mixture of jealousy, shame and confusion over even being jealous. I could feel myself grow tense. The movie raced by as I spent the majority of it in my own head bat