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Desires On Hold free porn video
Desires on hold
By Michelle Jane
17th May 2004.
All of the following is true and has helped me immensely to put it into
writing. It will also help, when I tell the whole story to my family.
First of all let me introduce myself. My name is Mike, in my early
sixties and I am semi-retired. I have always enjoyed dressing and for a
very long time have realised that I am transgendered.
My story begins many years before my birth. My Mother was born in the
early 1900's and when she was about 16 started modelling for a local
Chelsea sculptor. This was very tastefully done and her younger sister
used to attend with her as her Chaperone. She was an absolute stunner.
One of the most important statues she modelled for was Atalanta, at the
foot of the steps at Albert Bridge on the Chelsea Embankment. I am very
proud of this period of my Mother's life and also jealous of her
beauty. She was married in her early twenties and I was her second born
in 1942. She desperately wanted a girl as her first born was a boy. She
made no secret of the fact that she hoped that I would have been born a
girl but made no attempt to dress me any more feminine than my
brothers. She had two more sons and then gave up. I was always her
favourite, possibly because I was the smallest. We were a very close
family. I do not think that my Mother's desires had any bearing on my
transgenderism. I believe that the transgendered are born that way and
not made. Not that I mind either way.
I was always slight and the smallest in my classes going through
school. I am not terribly masculine or not really been into sports or
physical activities.
At primary school I related with the girls far more than the boys and
had many girl friends. When I left primary school went to an all boys'
school. I didn't fit in terribly well, but made a few friends and was
relatively settled.
I was very young when I started dressing, probably only five or six and
used to wear my cousins knickers and skirts any chance I got. I didn't
understand it but even then got mental satisfaction. This has carried
on intermittently ever since. I used to kid myself that I was just a
cross dresser but deep down I knew that it was much more. Through my
teens I envied young girls and wished I could be more like them.
The feelings gradually increased but I managed to push them away when I
met the girl who was to become my wife in. I was eighteen and she
sixteen. We had a fairly active sex life, nothing adventurous but
enjoyable just the same. We married in 1963 when I was twenty one. I
never told her of my secret, much to my regret. We were fairly happy
and I managed to dress up occasionally when she was out at work. I did
shift work so was at home some days when she was working.
When we had been married for fifteen years or so I plucked up courage
and told her of my desires to dress. She allowed me to for a while but
never really accepted it and soon I stopped it, even though I carried
on in secret. She caught me several times with the ensuing rows.
After a while, whenever we had an argument or any falling out she
started throwing it back in my face and often becomes rude and abusive.
However, as I had fathered four children it was not possible to do
anything about it. I had considered leaving my wife and children and
changing over but my sense of responsibility and deep love of my
family, excluded me from deserting them. Also my wife was prone to
being rather strict with the children and losing her temper and
becoming spiteful. Her mother treated her in a similar way, but more
severe, bordering on abuse and so I suppose it was inevitable that she
would follow suit. I hate to think of how she would have treated them
if I had left home.
I decided that when all of my children had married and left home, would
be the time to do it. Unfortunately, when the last was due to leave
home, my Wife started to develop serious pains in her legs and back. I
decided to put on hold leaving until she was well.
After a couple of years, a large tumour was discovered in her spine;
fortunately benign, urgent surgery had to be carried out. The tumour
was so serious, that removal caused nerve damage that has left her
disabled. I have become her carer and any plans to leave home and live
the life I so deeply desired had to be forgotten, or so I thought.
However being transgendered is not so easily cast aside or forgotten.
It starts to take over all waking hours and thoughts and you cannot
look at pretty girls without being jealous, wishing that it was you.
I am under five foot six inches in height and over the last ten years
or so I have put on a lot of weight. Probably through depression as
much as anything where my weight reached fifteen stone by about the
middle of last year. I decided that I must do something about it. Nine
months later I am down to twelve and a half stone and my target weight
is to get down to less than ten and a half stone. Also at the same time
I parted company with my employers and started up my own company with
my son, which we run from home. This means I get out of the house even
less and has increased the feeling of being trapped.
Over the last couple of years the feelings have got worse until
recently I have started, secretly on a hormone regime, for comfort as
much as anything. Hence, one of the reasons for losing weight.
I was probably kidding myself that I was taking them for comfort. It
obviously went much deeper and was probably a subconscious desire to
change gender.
I started on hormones in September 1993, when I obtained ten packets of
Loestrin 20 which contain 20mcg of ethinyloestradial and 1mg
norethisterone, which lasted until the beginning of February 204. I now
know that I was taking insufficient dosage as these had little effect,
apart from some increased nipple sensitivity and some reduction in the
size of my testicles. I was not able to obtain any more and purchased a
?phyto hormone regime', from Transformation. This was very expensive
and did not even maintain what development that had started.
I found a site on the internet where I was able to download a regime
that was tried and tested over a period of time and was able to
purchase proper hormones from a linked site. The regime was for 6- 8 mg
oestradial per day, 200mg of alsactone, 5 mg finesteride and 10mg of
provera generic.
A couple of months down the line, I have started developing breasts,
which my wife is beginning to notice and gets very abusive. I deny it
and say it is her imagination. My testicles have drastically reduced in
size and erections are taking longer to achieve and difficult to
maintain. This is not a problem as sex with my wife is a thing of the
past and the surgery, which caused her disability, has left her with no
feelings in her vagina. The glands behind my nipples are also getting
quite large and very tender. I do not know how large my breasts will
grow, but my mother was quite large breasted. I do not have any
sisters, but my two daughters have also been well endowed. I do not
know if this has any bearing on final size. If the speed of
development, is anything to go by, and if they continue to develop over
the next year or two, I should not be too disappointed. I don't know if
the amount of male development has a bearing on how much I will
feminise, but my body hair is quite fine and fairly sparse and my
muscular development is not a lot more than appears on most women. My
Adams apple is not noticeable and my voice is fairly high pitched for a
man. I am often mistaken for a woman on the phone. Also I have noticed
that I have become very emotional and cry or get a lump in my throat,
very easily. A few months ago, before any hormone treatment, I never
cried and didn't show any emotion. Mind you it is not a bad thing and I
am probably a much more caring and sensitive person. Much more woman
like.
Sooner or later I will have to tell her all. This will be the hardest
thing that I will ever do. At this point she will have to decide
whether she can live with it or make other arrangements, because I have
now passed the point where I could stop it, even if I wanted to. Now I
have made the decision, I feel much happier in myself and look forward
to getting it out in the open where I can move on. I will be quite
willing to carry on as her carer, but this must be on my terms.
The hormone regime that I am on is proving quite expensive, probably
about ?130.00 per month. I will probably try switching to a Diane 35
regime which should be a bit less expensive. However whatever the cost,
will be worth it.
I will also call my two sons and two daughters to a family discussion
and tell them all. I hope that they will accept what I am and not turn
against me. If they do, this would distress me but not make me change
my mind. I don't think it will become much of a surprise because my
wife has not been discrete when she was being abusive and I am sure
that they must have heard when they were in bed I know that this will
be a very difficult and emotional time for all, but unavoidable. I will
not make them decide between my wife and myself and would hope the she
would give the same consideration. However they are al adults, the
youngest 25, strong willed and I think they will make their own
decisions and not be influenced.
I cannot live the rest of my life under these circumstances and feel I
owe it to myself to follow my deep and uncontrollable desires. I have
given up most of my life to my family and feel the years that are left
are mine and will do what I need to, to reach fulfilment.
At this stage I do not know if I will go all the way and have re-
assignment surgery. I would like to but do not know if it would be
possible at my age. However, one step at a time. I have at least
started on the road and the next step will be facial hair removal and
starting to dress in a more feminine manner and the removal of my
testicles. I will also get proper medical advice, which I know I will
have to if I am to progress to living full time as a women. This I am
now determined to do.
One advantage I have is running my own company so employment is not a
problem and if the company maintains its current progress, I should be
financially secure.
I have some regrets, the main one not being honest in the first place
and trapping myself in circumstances that restricted action. However,
in the sixties it was a subject that was rarely discussed and little
known about. I do wish that I had plucked up courage long ago and would
now be living as a woman. However it has not all been bad, I do not
regret having children and love them all dearly. They have given us
eight wonderful grandsons, two each. I will update my story as things
progress and hope that my story gives courage to others not to make the
same mistakes and to follow your desires.
Michelle
Yvette
- 13.06.2021
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