Desires On Hold Part 7 free porn video

Desires on Hold Part 7 24th September 2004 I have just completed my second session of electrolysis. Whilst Erica was working she was chatting away and said that my skin on my face is very good and I have a lot going in my favour. She said that I am quite small with small hands and my hair is quite thick and luxuriant and while I am lying on the couch hangs very nicely. She thinks that when I eventually, completely transition, next year, I should make quite an attractive woman and should look like an under 50 year old. The hormones are already having a beneficial effect on my skin and hair. I should now see even more improvements, now I have completed my first six months of HRT. It is obviously up to me to make the most of what I have. What a boost to my morale. She thinks that at the current rate we should have broken the back of removing my facial hair by the end of the year, dependent on the amount of re-growth. Both cheeks are now mostly smooth, although a bit red and slightly swollen, but like the first visit should clear in 48 hours. She also started working on my top lip and has thinned the hair down. That was quite painful. Before I shave it is very noticeable the areas that have been cleared. The skin feels nice and smooth on the cleared areas. She has suggested that next weeks visit, she clears my top lip and chin. I told her that I will leave it to her entirely. We have decided that after another 1 or 2 sessions we will increase it to 4 hours. Erica is a transsexual and had her SRS 25 years ago. She is a lovely lady. Probably a TG is better at dealing with TG's as they know our needs and obviously have a better understanding, having gone through exactly the same. I know that you cannot generalise and some genetic women probably are sympathetic to our condition, but the problem is finding one. Erica has also recommended a hairdresser who specialises in transsexuals. She will be able to tidy up my hair, start to restyle and gradually colour it back to my original brunette, so that in January I will be able to go out with a feminine hairstyle. Erica's story is very similar to mine she got married in the early sixties and had a daughter. The only difference is she decided in the early 70's to do something about it. She had a hard time and took a lot of abuse. She has no regrets and now has her daughter living with her. She never mentions her ex- wife and I don't like to ask. I know that we will be great friends long after I have finished being tortured. She has maintained a close friendship with many of her clients. I see her again next Wednesday. Believe it or not I really look forward to these sessions. I do not think that I am a masochist. I suppose it is another positive step towards womanhood. It is a wonderful feeling to see the hair disappearing off your face. Shock, horror! I put on 6 pounds over the last few weeks. I had a couple of strips of spironolactone left, so I tried taking those for a few days. I have already shed 3 of those pounds. It is water retention, probably caused by the hormones. I am seeing my GP in a couple of weeks and will get him to prescribe diuretics. The anti-androgens seem to have achieved their task and can now consider myself to be chemically castrated. Erections are now a thing of the past. After 6 months the effects and are probably irreversible. This is why it is important to be certain before starting HRT. I was and know that I took the right action. The hormones continue to have a profound effect. I can no longer hide my breasts and have become quite busty. I really look forward to wearing proper bras, in the new year and tops that will show off my cleavage. My body hair has now completely disappeared and have quite a feminine triangle of pubic hair. My elder daughter rang last night and asked what I wanted for Christmas. I said everything. I will be buying a complete wardrobe towards the end of the year, also jewellery and make up. She said give her some suggestions. I suggested items of jewellery or Marks and Spencers vouchers. I said that there is no point buying clothes yet, because I do not know what size I will be. I hope to eventually get down to a 14. She said she will give me vouchers and a nice bracelet. I told her that would be wonderful. . 28th September 2004 I had my third, two hour session of electrolysis. Erica concentrated on my top lip, that stung, particularly under the nose, cleared more off my cheeks and parts of my chin. Before I shave in the mornings it is now becoming noticeable that the facial hair is being cleared. So far there has been very little re-growth. Friday this week I go to see Jean for my hair appointment. Wednesday we both had a letters from the Crown Court to say that the Grounds for Divorce had been approved and that the Decree Nisi will be granted on the 1st October and will become absolute six weeks later. It was so simple to cast off 41 years marriage. Even though we both agreed that it was necessary for me to be able to fully move on, it was still upsetting. Friday I had my hair appointment. Jean trimmed and styled it and made it look very feminine. She says I need to grow it out a bit more but will not need any hair transplant or hair piece. She said with a bit of brushing and back combing it falls into lovely natural curls. Back in May 2004, when I first saw my GP. He tried to arrange for me to see Dr. Russell Reid at his local NHS practice. After a couple of weeks he heard that he had retired and was advised to write to the local Mental Health Centre at Mill House. We heard nothing back and towards the end of July I found that Russell was still practicing but private. I asked my GP to refer me to him. I arranged a consultation for the 24th August. At about this time our local MHC replied and said they did not have the expertise and could not deal with it and that we would need to contact the Charing Cross GIC unit. My GP did this but I still had a consultation with Russell. Early September we heard from Charing X and that we would need a referral from the local MHC. My GP wrote back to the MHC and told them to get things sorted. They wrote to me, end of September wit an appointment with the psychiatrist on the 12th October 2004. I attended the appointment and asked if he is a gender specialist, which he said he wasn't. He told me the appointment was to ascertain whether there were any underlying mental causes to my 'problem'. He asked many questions and wanted to know my complete back ground, going back to when I was a child. He asked me about depression and I said I had always been depressed and unhappy, but had managed to somehow manage an effective life, probably by suppressing my feminine side, but when my wife became disabled the feeling of being trapped led to extreme depression, which took the form of overeating and excessive weight gain I became obese and unfit and was making myself ill. I was slowly killing myself. He asked if I felt suicidal, which I never did. In the end I decided that I had no option other than to sort myself out. This led to self administration of hormones, until the discovery by my wife. He wanted to know my family background as well, mental and physical. He asked me how I felt now. I told him that I am very content and at peace with myself. I said I feel very focused and know exactly where I am going. He asked if I am still having to pay for my own hormones and told him that Russell had given me a private prescription and my GP had changed it for an NHS prescription. He said otherwise he would have recommended to my GP that he starts to prescribe. He finished off by saying that he is satisfied that there are no underlying mental problems and that I am well adjusted and a very stable person. He cannot see any real problems to my transitioning. He is now going to refer me to the Charing X GIC unit. I told him that I intend on going to keep on seeing Russell as he and my GP are looking after me on a shared care basis. He knows Russell well and approves of my choice. He said that he is one of the leading authorities in the field. He said he will see if they will see me as well as Russell they may be able to do much of my care on the NHS. He asked if I had any questions that I wanted to ask him. I asked if I had seen someone before I started on my present path if I could have been helped over my depression. He said that the course I had taken was the only one open to me. The condition is not curable by what by what is considered 'normal psychiatric practices'. I mentioned my Brother's suggestion of forgetting about myself and concentrating on my family, seeing a psychiatrist, having testosterone injections and a mastectomy. He said that the suggestion was thoughtless, cruel and made out of ignorance. The most likely outcome would have been a complete breakdown or even suicide. I said that I already new that, that was the answer, but told my family that I would ask for them. The consultation lasted about forty five minutes. At least I have it on good authority from two psychiatrists that I do not have a mental problem. On the 5th October we heard from the Uxbridge County Court that our Decree Nisi was granted on the 1st October and becomes absolute on the 15th November On Wednesday 20th October I had my consultation with my GP. I told him of my consultation with the Psychiatrist at Mill House. He agreed that if Charing X are agreeable I should see them as well. This could help with NHS funding. He weighed me and took my blood pressure and said the hormones were causing fluid retention, I had put on about 8 pounds. He put me back onto spirolactolone and within a week I had lost all the weight increase. I must now concentrate on reducing my weight still further. I have targeted 140 pounds by the end of the year. I wrote my wife the following letter. She is using moral blackmail and insulting language. I felt that I had to do something. My Dearest Lillian It is now about five months since I told you of my condition and I feel that you are still struggling to understand what I am doing and why. I do not know if you intend to but you hurt me dreadfully, every time you accuse me of my changing sex on a whim and that it is self inflicted. None of this was done out of choice. It would have been so much easier to have been born 'normal,' but that was not the case. I was born a transsexual. Also it hurts and offends when you refer to my 'freaky friends'. Transsexuals in the main are kind, intelligent and caring people. Referring to them as freaky is calling me freaky. I am one of them, a transsexual. I find this most offensive and totally unacceptable. I could understand it if I was rude and offensive to you but I am not. The dictionary definition of a 'whim'. Sudden, passing fancy. * Is a lifetime of frustration, unhappiness and growing depression, a sudden passing fancy? * Is excessive weight increase, over the space of a couple of years and increasing poor health a sudden passing fancy? * Are several months of internet research on transsexualism, from November 2003 a sudden passing fancy? * Is taking high dosage of female hormones from March 2004 a sudden passing fancy? * Is spending over ten hours of pain and discomfort having facial hair removed a sudden passing fancy? * Is facing the possibility of ridicule and abuse a sudden passing fancy? * Is the risk of losing family a sudden passing fancy? * Is planning major surgery, with its inherent risks, a sudden passing fancy? It may be my fault; perhaps I have not explained the condition to you clearly. I will try to explain transsexuality a bit clearer. The condition called transsexuality first occurs in the womb. There are developmental stages in both male and female, inside the mother that among other things determine gender. During the early development of the fetus all children begin as female. At a predetermined time, hormones produced by the mother in this case testosterone become awash in the fetus, the so-called testosterone bath, which changes female to male. Sex is determined by XY sex chromosomes in the male, XX in a little girl. Without this ?bath? it is possible to have a normal XY male fetus that nevertheless develops to become normal looking and yet is born with a female gender, or sense of self. I believe myself to be one of these children. The name society gives this developmental difficulty all of which used to carry terrible social stigma is known as transsexuality. It occurs in both biological males as well as females. This is not to be confused in any way with homosexuality, or same sex attraction! To explain simply, I was born with a male body yet a female core identity or brain. There is no known way to alter the mind to fit the body indeed this has been attempted throughout history with zero success. There is no cure for those affected! It can only be addressed by the inverse, or changing the body to fit the mind. Those like myself often commit suicide if prevented to do so. In my case I only regret doing so this late in life and yet there's no other way for me. There is nothing sexual nor sensual in any of this. I do not know if I would have committed suicide. However, I was becoming very unfit and breathless and the chances are I would have eventually had a heart attack. In all probabilities, if it had not killed me I would have had a mental breakdown. It had already started with the mood and temper swings. The psychiatrist at Mill House confirmed as much. My depressions and obesity could not have been helped by psychiatric therapy. The action I took was the only one open to me. This was also borne out by how easily and quickly I lost weight. I asked him about my Brother's suggestion of forgetting about myself and concentrating on my family, seeing a psychiatrist, having testosterone injections and a mastectomy. He said that the suggestion was thoughtless, cruel and made out of ignorance. The most likely outcome would have been a complete breakdown and probable eventual suicide. I could not avoid the eventual action I took, no more than could someone avoid suffering from serious illnesses or conditions such as multi- sclerosis, cancer, etc. None of us had a choice in the matter. Nor is it fair or accurate to call it self inflicted. It is no exaggeration to say that ignored or suppressed transsexuality is life threatening. I could no longer carry on the way I was. The depression and the feeling of being trapped in a body that did not fit could no longer be tolerated. You cannot possibly understand how bad things had become and how miserable I was. I was desperately unhappy. There are differing degrees of transsexuality, from the TS who is content to take hormones and dress up, but does little else and would not consider surgery, to the TS who only total transitioning including SRS, electrolysis, plastic surgery if necessary, etc. She would need to appear as normal as possible as soon as possible. I fall into the last category. Electrolysis is an essential act. It is imperative that when I start my real life experience in January that I go with a clear face, even though I will need regular treatments for some time yet to clear re-growth. Any thing less is not an option. This is the 'pampering' as you so casually call it. You and the family have got to consider what they would have preferred. Me as I was, possibly ending up dead or at the very least, having a mental breakdown, or the path that I have chosen, which has made me much happier and contented than I have ever been and having every opportunity of leading a very happy life. I made a promise, back in May that I would delay dressing until the New Year. However I did say that the rest of this year I would prepare for the change over. This included electrolysis and my hair being improved and gradually restyled. Also speech therapy and make up lessons. It is becoming increasingly difficult to dress or think male and becoming quite distressing. However a promise made must be kept. I am sorry if you think that I am rushing things but things are moving along at the pace I advised when I told our children. I am not the same weak person that you used to be able to brow beat into doing as you will. The released person is much more focused and determined. I will be as ready as possible to start my RLE in the New Year, hopefully without causing the family any embarrassment. This would not be possible if I had allowed you to sway me and delayed the electrolysis. Hopefully a few more visits, I should be able to reduce the frequency. I will also probably send a revised copy of this letter to our children. Perhaps it will help them understand transsexualism a bit better. I hope so. It is important to understand that nothing will stop what has now started and I hope that eventually that you will see that I had no choice in the matter and that I will be much happier and fulfilled. In under ten weeks I will start having my documentation changed and will start officially living under the name of Michelle. As you know the divorce was the first stage in this process. For this I am truly grateful to you. I know it has not been easy for you. I hope that I have not hurt you too much but there was no other way. Your constant remarks were really hurtful but I feel made out of ignorance of the condition. People can get aggressive or make unwarranted comments on things they fear or do not understand. I hope that the condition is now a little bit clearer. I know you will never totally understand. You need to be transsexual to know what it is like. The unhappiness, frustrations, depression. Having to live a life for so many years you know is not right for you, just because that is what society demands. Having to suppress your true self. I will love you always and hope that you and our children can be happy for me. I do not think that you have ever been really happy with me. My condition prevented me from ever feeling fulfilled and never felt like a real Husband.. You must have sensed things were never really right, my true self had been suppressed for too many years. We had become more of a habit. I know that I could never have been happy living the way we were. Arguments would have become much more heated, possibly violent and we would have ended up hating each other. The transsexualism took control and prevented that from happening. But what is true and will never change, in spite of my own unhappiness I have always loved each of you deeply, as well as the Grandchildren and have always done my best for you. However, whatever happens, if you ever need me I will be there for you as I will always be for the children. No matter what occurs in the future, nothing will diminish my love for my family and I will love all of you always. Mike I believe that it has just occurred to her that time is running out and that within a couple of Months Mike will no longer exist and Michelle will take his place. Mike has already gone except in name only. She is making comments, such as how can you leave a cripple just to do your own thing. I told her it was her choice, I offered to stay and care for her, but she said she could not live with me dressed as a woman. I said I would not be dressed as a woman; I would be a woman and dress appropriately. I pointed out it was her choice and did she really expect me to sacrifice the rest of my life to her? That is something I would or could not do. She is also threatening to put herself into sheltered housing, hoping the children will put pressure onto me. They know the situation and it cannot work. In the past she has always got her own way by brow beating and moral blackmail. I am not the same weak character that I was and it can't possibly work. I am now focused and have my future mapped out. Nothing can stop it from happening. . I have now completed six, two hour sessions of electrolysis. About half of my facial hair is now cleared. I was becoming concerned and upset at not hearing from my Brothers, since I rang them on 25th August to tell them of my meeting with Dr. Russell Reid. I know that my Elder brother Alan had spoken to my Daughter Karen a couple of times since then and enquired about me I told her that it would be nice if he asked me. She passed on my message. She got the impression that they were waiting for me to ring them. I sent them all e-mails to say it would be nice to hear from them and I know that I could ring them but that would not dhow there support. Alan and David e-mailed back to say that I owed them hundreds of calls and Raymond said that he isn't phoning because he knows his calls end up upsetting me. I sent them all the following e-mail: My Dearest Brothers I have written this because I can put my thoughts into writing better than I could express them. I can also explain myself and deepest feelings without interruption, which would break my train of thought. Firstly, I agree that I perhaps have not phoned you over the years as often as I should. This does seem to be a Dibble Brother failing, but we know that we have always been there for each other, if needed. David has probably been the most regular at phoning, followed by Alan and it is disputable who is worst out of Raymond and myself. However that was in the past and circumstances have changed dramatically. As I said in my previous e-mail, I last spoke to any of you on 25th August to update you on my consultation with Dr Russell Reid. Alan, you assume that you have rung me since. I know you haven't; I told you that Russell had given me a private prescription and had also written to my GP to suggest that he prescribes on the NHS. I was to see him about a week later. You haven't had an update since. I could keep ringing you to give updates, but you say you do not know what support I need. That is the support. A phone call to see how I am would be most welcome and would make me feel that you do care. Me ringing you to tell you that I am o.k. tells me nothing. I know in my heart that you do care and you are only concerned for me and would be there if I need you. I know that you are terrified of what the future holds for me. It is a lonely path that I tread. Unless you are transsexual you could not possibly understand it. I also know that you would like me to reconsider but if you really understood the condition you would know that, that is not possible. Do you honestly think that I would have started on this route if there was any other choice? I face several years of pain, deeply upsetting my family, possible rejection. Not something to be undertaken out of choice. I am certainly not wilfully or selfishly undertaking this path and know in my heart that there is no other option open to me. I would not have deliberately done anything to upset or hurt my children. I love them too deeply for that There were two stark choices, me either probably dead or living my life as a woman. My obesity, failing health and deep depression and unhappiness, could not be cured by psychiatric therapy, only by the action that I took. This has been confirmed by the two psychiatrists that I have seen, the last one the week before last. The second psychiatrist that I saw was an NHS psychiatrist from the Hillingdon Health Authority. There would have been no financial gain to influence his decision and was able to give an honest assessment. He agreed entirely with Dr Russell Reid, as my GP does. I am getting support from the NHS. On the positive side, I am much more content and happy in myself and know that I am doing the right thing. I am even confident that I will live a full and contented life. As it was before my future looked pretty bleak, with probable heart problems and a breakdown. This is not an over dramatization and it is something I honestly believe. I know you would also like to see articles by transsexuals making a case against transitioning. I doubt that they exist. If anyone was to write such an article the chances are that they would not be true transsexuals. The overwhelming need of transsexuals is to become and live as a woman. For the body to match the brain. The brain cannot be changed to match the body. Statistics say that SRS is the most successful of medical interventions. I know that you think it is self mutilation. Is open heart surgery or the removal of a tumour, mutilation? They are medical procedures to correct defects. SRS is a medical procedure to correct a life threatening, birth defect. I did say in my original letter that if you could not support me I did not want to hear from you. That was clumsily put. What my intentions were that if you could not support me I did not want you talking negatively to my Children. They are finding it hard enough already, without having others fears put on them. For myself, any negativity would not make a scrap of difference, the dye is cast and nothing can change it. I would love to speak to all of you and try to put your minds at rest and look forward to hearing. I will ring you on a regular basis to give any updates. I do not think that the public aversion to transsexualism is anywhere near as hostile as it used to be. There has been much publicity in the media, surprisingly, much of it positive. In fact one of the most helpful characterisations, has been Hayley in Coronation Street where her character has been very sensitively played. Also Nadia in Big Brother. That article I sent you was written in the USA, where they are behind us in acceptance. We have the Gender Recognition act that gives us protection. I hope that this letter does not offend or upset you. That is far from my intentions. It is an attempt to explain myself and the last thing I ever want to do is alienate myself. As I say I would love to hear from you and start regular phone calls. Even though some of your comments do hurt I know that they are made out of lack of knowledge and understanding of the condition and fear for my future, but won't make me feel any less for you. It will happen I will start to live as a woman in the New Year, getting my documentation officially changed and will live under the name of Michelle. The change will not be instantaneous but over a few weeks or even months, to help my family, particularly Lillian, for whom it is probably the hardest. I love you all deeply and nothing can change that. Mike Alan rang me Friday evening and we had a long talk. He fully accepts that I am fully committed and will try not to be negative about it. If the occasional phone call is all the support that I look for then that he will do and if ever I needed anything he will be there for me, as will all my brothers. I told him that my previous conversations with Raymond, he appeared rather hostile. He said that he isn't hostile but is very upset and is worried for me. He is taking it much harder than the other two. Alan said that when Christine, his wife read the e-mail, she broke her heart and told Alan that he must be seen to be supporting me and didn't realise that I had been so dreadfully unhappy. David sent me an e-mail and will ring me during next week. Monday, today, I went to my GP's clinic for a blood test of which the results should be in by Wednesday, ready for me to pick up for Dr Russell Reid for my appointment on the 8th November. Thursday I received the results of my blood test and according to the clinic, every thing is o.k. I looked through the printout but it does not really mean a thing to me, except that everything appears to be within range. The important thing is that my cholesterol remains low. I see Dr Russell Reid on Monday and will take a copy of the print out. It was him that requested it. I will also be asking him about changing my name, legally to Michelle and all my documentation, because that is who I shall be as from 1st January 2005. I told my Mother-in-Law, yesterday of my transsexualism. She is an 80 year old and my wife kept on putting it off. I told her that we must tell her and it is too easy to keep making excuses. She said you tell her then. That is what I did. I said to her that she knew that we were having a lot of problems last year. I said that I was very depressed, was abusing myself by overeating, started to feel ill and was going on towards a probable heart attack. I was also getting very bad tempered and would not have been long before I started to become violent. She said that she had noticed and was worried about it but things started to improve, except she was concerned about the amount of weight that I had lost. I said it was due to a condition that I had suffered from birth. I asked her if she had heard of transsexualism. She said she had and that is even though you are male you feel female. I said that she is basically correct and said that is my problem. The suppression over all my life had become intolerable and when her daughter became disabled this added the extra problem of feeling trapped. Transsexualism cannot be cured by therapy only making the body fit the mind. The mind cannot be altered to fit the body. I took the only option open to me and have started the procedure of changing to my proper gender. I am now being monitored by my GP and a gender psychiatrist. She said that she had known for a long time that I needed to dress, as some years ago, after my wife and myself had had a serious row she told her Mother and Step-father that I dress up to try to turn them against me. Apparently they told her that I cannot help myself and if I needed their support it would be there for me. My wife never told me of the conversation. She said that she is pleased that I have told her and she hopes that she lives long enough to see me fully become a woman. She asked what name I am going to use and I told her Michelle Jane and she thought that was a lovely choice. She said that I had been a wonderful son-in-law and cannot find any fault with me. I thanked her for her support and the way she has taken it. She said that she knew a transsexual years ago who lived in Chelsea and she was a lovely lady. She said she sees much more than that in Chelsea. She said that she had noticed the bruising on my face and was worried that I might have leukaemia. That is what her husband died of and he kept on getting bruises. She had also noticed my developing breasts. She also said that when she first met me, I was only eighteen, very small, quiet and shy and she thought that I was a little bit effeminate. When she was told of my dressing she remembered back to her first impressions. My mother-in-law has totally surprised me and I know that she is now completely behind me. This month, November, I have had another blood test. I picked up a print out to take to Dr. Russell Reid for my Consultation. Everything is within the normal range except the prolactin, which is very high, probably caused by the cyperterone acetate, which I am no longer taking. My consultation went very well and Russell gave me forms and letters to get my name change under way. He has also written to Hillingdon Hospital for me to see the Speech Therapist for 'help and advice to feminise my voice and improve my confidence en femme'. I have put the application into my solicitor to change my name officially to Michelle Jane, much nicer than Michael James. It should take effect as from December. On Monday 22nd November I had my ninth two hour session of electrolysis. Erica concentrated mainly on the under chin and neck area. It has bruised my throat but my whole face is starting to feel quite smooth now. She says that I am responding well and am one of her easier patients. I am absolutely delighted with the progress and a couple more sessions and she will have completed a complete sweep. It will then be treatments for re-growth. There is very little so far. Saturday 27th November I took my whole family for a family meal at a local Hotel. I booked a private function room and we had a very pleasant meal. All eighteen of us. This was my last chance to treat them as their father. After my tenth session of electrolysis, last Friday 3rd December, I arrived home and the documents confirming my legal name change, by deed poll, had arrived. I am now legally Michelle. I have pre-booked two more sessions before the end of the year. Saturday, I went for a second hair trim and style. My hair is now covering my ears, grown quite thick and according to Jean, my hairdresser, is now getting quite lush and starting to re-grow where it had thinned on the crown and started receding. It now easily covers those areas and looked very feminine. I asked about having my hair dyed back to the original brunette. She advised against it as it is growing so quickly, I would have to go to her every two weeks to have my roots done. She has said she will give it a colour rinse in January and suggests blond will be much better. That is what I will do. When I arrived home a letter had arrived from Hillingdon Hospital with an hour's appointment with the Speech Therapist for Monday 13 December. Amazingly quick for the NHS. I feel one very lucky girl. After a lifetime of unhappiness and depression, things are going so well. I am getting plenty of good professional help, both privately and from the NHS. I am also responding very well to my hormone regime with pleasing development and my hair and electrolysis are better than my highest expectations. The only cloud is my wife's or to be more accurate, my ex-wife, growing bitterness and sometimes, nastiness. She is also trying to use our children against me. She must accept that whatever she says or does, nothing will stop my transitioning, which is now only a few weeks away. I have been spending a lot of time thinking of my past life and realize that most of it was false, a total sham and one that I made few decisions on. I am now fairly certain that if my ex. had a happier childhood and hadn't run away from her Mother's home when she was seventeen, the chances are that she would not have wanted to get married when we were so young and I would have realized the extent of my problems. Her mother was spiteful and would not hesitate to hit her and showed her no love. This was partly inherited by my wife and was the reason I could not leave my children as a one parent family. She had a furnished room at my Aunt's. I can now see the attraction of setting up a home, with someone else paying most of the bills. We married in 1963, when I was 21 and my wife 18, on reflection much too young. We started a family two years later. She had very irregular periods and only every three or four months. In about 1964 the local Woman's Hospital was at that time in the early experiments of a fertility drug and put my wife on this as an early case. There were 8 women in this group and only two became pregnant, my wife and another expecting quins. The quins miscarried early and my wife went into premature labour at 26 weeks. A girl and a boy. The boy lived 12 hours and the girl for 24 hours. This was a devastating time. Analysing this period I now realise that starting a family was never discussed with me and I was just swept along. Even when she was put on the same course a year later and eventually gave birth to a boy. Three years later she had twin girl and boy by the same method. At no time did the Hospital discuss the treatments with me or seek my opinion. Eight years later we had a girl, without any help, by accident, which according to the Hospital was not possible without medical help. I do not regret my children but do regret my weakness and resent the way in which I was trapped into a long and not very happy marriage. I am not saying it is anyone fault in particular and must take a lot of the blame on myself, for being so weak. Then my wife's illness caused me to put leaving on further hold and my wife's disability for the decision to do nothing. The black depressions, the feelings of being trapped, the mood swings and fits of temper, the constantly feeling of being ill because of gross obesity caused the transsexuality finally to take total hold that made me take my future in hand and take positive action. I do not know if the outcome would have been different, if my wife had shown a little bit if gratitude, discussed her disability and not assumed that I would be her carer for the rest of our lives. She showed no interest in my feelings and it has really occurred to me how selfish she has been, over the years. I actually doubt it, it had been getting stronger all of my life and in all probabilities it would have eventually taken over I will keep my promise and stay with her until her compensation case is settled and then set up my own separate life. Even now she is trying to control me and my changing. She tries to give me a hard time over electrolysis, my hair and virtually every thing that I do towards my imminent change over. She accuses me of doing it on a whim, pampering, breaking up the family, deserting a cripple and has also tried turning my children against me. All to no avail. My children know what she has been like over the years and were surprised that I had put up with her for so long. They couldn't leave home quick enough. I am shocked at what I have been blocking off from my mind and resent all those wasted years. Still that was in the past, there is nothing I can do to change that but have a wonderful future ahead. Things have moved quite rapidly since I started the hormones in March this year. My body is responding well to the hormones and already I have quite decent sized breasts. It will certainly be easier to easier to show them than it is to hide them at the moment My weight has stabilised at 150 pounds though my face is now started to fill out nicely. I am now able to get into a U.K. size 14 ladies denims. The only male item of clothing that I do wear now are short sleeved coloured shirts. They will be outed in the new year. My hair is thickening, definitely re-growing where it had receded and feels much softer and silkier. It has lost that course dry male feel. It is also much longer and falls into its natural curls. Jean says that in the New Year she will give it a blond colour wash and give me a nice feminine style. Erica says that I am responding well to electrolysis, with little re- growth and should finish the first sweep in a couple more visits, the next being next Tuesday 21st December. My GP and therapist are helping all they can and I was referred to a speech therapist on the NHS. The speech therapy was an eye opener. I will give you a basic run down of what happened. She showed me diagrams of the throat, neck muscles, voice box and everything that basically happens when you eat, swallow, breath, speak etc. She showed how easily the voice can be damaged how breathing properly affects the voice the difference between the male and female voice and how to look after it. She then proceeded to check my vocal chords for damage voice frequency range during speech length of time for holding humming and breathing. My vocal range was 128hz up to 290hz, hers was 90hz up to 260hz, so mine was slightly of a higher pitch, even though she is a genetic woman and does not have a particularly deep voice but does have a slightly more musical voice, one of the differences, I believe. There has been no damage to my vocal chords, so she will not have to spend time on exercising for repairs but my breathing is terrible, which I must work on. I have to use all my lungs rather than a small part. She has given me a whole load of exercises to do including neck, chest and breathing exercises and to practice talking into a tape recorder as if I was speaking to a small child in a gentle a slightly musical manner Practice and playback. I will see her again on the 24th January, next year. The appointments will keep on until it suddenly clicks into place and my speech is feminine. She doesn't think I should have too many difficulties as my voice is already fairly high and quietly spoken. She does not teach you to speak any higher than normal as this sounds unnatural and puts extra strain on your voice. Apparently I am one of the most mature transsexual patients she has dealt with but bring more maturity. Most younger transsexuals when they start dress and go out are not prepared and they are spotted immediately and some never really recover from the ridicule. Whereas, we more mature transsexuals spend months in preparation and stand a much better chance of living as women. Bad wigs, five a-lock shadow and male voices do not help. Next step is to arrange make-up lessons and being shown the best colours and make-ups to make the most of what I have. I really feel that in the New Year I will be ready to start going out as Michelle. Sorry to go on so long but it occurred to me the amount that I have transitioned and how relatively easy it has been in a fairly short period. I know that I will be ready for surgery in 18 months and cannot wait. I really appreciate all the help that I am receiving and do feel a very lucky girl. All the past unhappiness and frustrations is exactly what it is, in the past and that is where it will stay. None will be allowed to spoil my future. My story will continue for several more episodes and will not be complete until I have had my SRS and am living an independent and happy life as a woman. I would have then achieved my life long desire. Writing my story has helped me immensely and has made me think out my actions and keeps everything in perspective. I have shed many tears whilst writing it. It brings back all the original sadness and also the hurt and grief that my actions must cause my family. But I know that they understand that if there had been any alternative, that I would have taken it. If any one would like to communicate with me about my story, either this episode or the previous six, offer comments, advice or even criticism I would welcome your calls. I will answer every e-mail and would be more than happy to enter into regular communication. If anyone would like to talk about their transsexuality I would be pleased to hear and would enter into confidential e-mails with you. I would love the opportunity of helping others as I have been helped. I have found that no one can understand transsexuality, unless they are transsexual themselves. To be continued. Michelle Jane [email protected]