Desires on Hold
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Desires On Hold:. Part 2 free porn video
Desires on Hold, Part 2
By Michelle Jane
1st June 2004.
Firstly, I would like to express my thanks and gratitude for all the
support good wishes and comments that I have received. It is also re-
assuring to know that though others have made the same mistakes as
myself, but still gone on to a happy transition. It helps you to feel
less alone. There is so much kindness out there.
Since writing the first part of my story, things have moved on very
quickly, much faster than I had planned for.
Thursday evening, 20th May, I ran the Mother-in-Law home. Whilst I was
out, my wife, who has become very suspicious of my breast development,
searched my room and found a small amount of my hormones. As soon as I
walked through the door she demanded an explanation. I had no
alternative but to confess that I was using them.
I fully expected, at least the normal abuse. Instead she calmly said
that if I want to become a woman, why don't I admit it.
I had no alternative but to confess that I have always wanted to be a
woman and knew that I was not a transvestite as I had previously told
her.
She said that 'if that is the case I should get medical help'.
I phoned our family GP and have arranged for an appointment for
Wednesday 26th May, last appointment as I told them it could be quite a
long consultation.
I was very surprised with my wife's reaction which was not as I
imagined. It proves that you should never prejudge or take anyone for
granted.
I can tell you that the relief is enormous. I dreaded having to tell
her, as once the information is out you cannot take it back, no matter
what the reaction.
I have promised to talk it through with her, after the appointment, and
tell her everything, no more lies or denials or hiding anything.
I do not know whether she will be able to live with it, particularly
when the changes really become obvious. However this is something for
discussion after Wednesday. We have also agreed that we need a family
meeting, with our two sons and daughters, in private, without their
partner or children and fully put them in the picture.
Hopefully they will be able to give the wife the support she will need
and still find it in their hearts to forgive and accept me for what I
must do.
I have told her that I would wish to remain as her carer, if she is
prepared to accept me, as I transition. If not I will look at selling
the house and buying two smaller places, near to each other, so at
least I can always be on call. I can arrange for someone to call in on
a daily basis to carry out general cleaning duties.
In the meantime I am starting to improve my fitness, appearance and
health.
I have arranged for a cholesterol test on Tuesday 1st June, in view of
the length of time I was grossly over weight and the complete lack of
exercise. I have been putting off the test previously for fear that the
hormones and anti-androgens would show in the results. It does not
matter now, as my Doctor will have to know about my hormone therapy on
Wednesday.
I have started to walk a couple of miles a day, whereas I used to jump
in the car to go a couple of hundred yards to the post box.
I have arranged an appointment with the dentist to have my teeth
improved.
I have started to grow out my hair, which had started to recede. It is
now getting quite thick and softer. It is possible that there may be
some re-growth. I understand that hormones can have that effect.
I will continue to up date my story on a date basis, as my chosen
journey progresses. The first update will be after my Wednesday
appointment.
I also wrote the following letter for my wife to read, whilst I was at
the Doctors. It was probably a bit cowardly, but hopefully would help
her understand and make our heart to heart, a little easier.
My Dearest Lillian
I am dreadfully sorry for the upset and hurt I have caused you and it
was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, even though you made
it much easier by forcing me to admit it.
I had planned to tell you and confess everything, but not for a couple
more months and when it became too obvious to deny. Still it turned out
for the best and my way would have probably been more hurtful for you.
For that I will always be in your debt.
You know, I do really love you and I dread the thought that one day
soon we may have to split up. I hope that we can work out a way to stay
together, even as companions.
I am grateful for your support and understanding, even though it was
obviously very difficult for you and I will be as open as possible in
all further actions in the future. It is the least that you deserve and
I will need your help and support, as time goes on, far more than you
need mine.
I am also sorry to have typed this letter rather than hand written but
I am finding it too hard and emotional. At least this way I can keep
leaving it and coming back.
If there was any other way, without hurting you I would have chosen it
but unfortunately after spending most of my life, either ignoring it or
fighting it I could no more put it off than fly to the moon.
Whatever your decision, I will always love you deeply and be there for
you, no matter what. I hope that you can understand and forgive me,
because I am doing what I must do.
I hope and pray that I can remain as an important part of yours and our
children's lives. I will be absolutely devastated if I cannot, but
would understand and respect any decision you will all have to make. I
would hope at the very least to remain friends.
For many years I have not been really happy and the depression I have
felt is probably in part been the cause of my excessive weight gain.
Do not get me wrong, I have enjoyed being a husband and father and
would not swap any of you for the world and I am absolutely nuts over
our grandchildren.
But I feel that I have devoted my life to my family and what years I
have left must be mine to follow my uncontrollable desires.
This is the path that I must follow, no matter how long, difficult and
painful or whatever the cost.
I do feel much more at peace with myself and am content that I have
made the right decision for myself and hopefully, eventually for all of
you. It was not an option to carry on as before. The situation was
tearing you and myself apart, which would eventually affect the whole
family. I know that it is asking a lot, but please try to be happy for
me because I am now doing what I have needed to do for a very long
time.
I will try not to cause any of you any embarrassment and will not
suddenly start wearing dresses. The transition will be gradual, over a
period of many months, even into several years and the development that
you have already noticed will be gradual and not be too apparent and
can be hidden by wearing looser shirts. Please do not ask me to stop
what I am doing. I could not, even if I wanted to. If it does start to
cause you embarrassment I will have to consider moving away.
I will fully inform you of what I have been doing, after my appointment
with the Doctor. No more secrets or denials. What has gone on in the
past, is in the past and what is now important is the present and the
future.
Initially I will be concentrating on improving my appearance, health
and fitness. Hence, the weight loss, long walks and dentist. None of
which can be a bad thing.
I will not tell anyone outside of our immediate family but would
respect your decision if you want to tell your mother, although I would
rather you did not, but I would not want anyone else to know,
particularly my brothers until the time arises that I would have no
option. I would ask you to tell her that it is confidential and I would
not be willing to discuss it with her.
All my love forever
Mike
I will also be writing similar letters to our four children to give to
them after I have told them what I am doing and fully explained
everything. Hopefully, we can get together on Monday, after my
appointment with the Doctor and my talk with my wife.
27th May. I had my consultation with my GP yesterday evening. To say
that I was nervous would be an understatement. The problem is that he
has been our Family Doctor for more than twenty years and I did not
think he would understand. After talking about my wife and family, he
asked how he could help me. I blurted out that I had started taking
hormones, which I had got on the internet and wanted my health
monitored.
To my total amazement, he was totally unfazed and very interested and
supportive. He asked many questions of my past, my feelings, my Wife's
feeling and came to the same conclusion as myself, that I had little
choice in the matter.
He examined me, took my blood pressure and said everything is fine. He
has arranged for a full blood check when I go for my cholesterol test
on the 1st June and told me to keep on with my current hormone regime,
until the results come back. He will then recommend any adjustments.
He is also writing to Dr. Russell Reid, who apparently has a local
practice, for a referral.
He has also suggested that I go onto such sites as the gender trust as
they are also supportive. He says there are many self help associations
that I might like to contact
His reaction could not have been better nor could he have been more
supportive. I was so relieved and grateful.
When I got home, I had a long heart to heart with my wife. She was
stunned with the hormone regime that I was on, not imagining that it
would have been so comprehensive. She thought it would have been the
odd pill. I think that this was the first time she realised how serious
I am. She is not sure that she can live with it. We have agreed that we
will carry on living in the same house for the rest of this year and
see how it goes.
She thought that my letter was very selfish and all about me. I said
that of course it is, that is my point but my letter was also about
saying sorry and wanting to carry on looking after her and staying as
part of my family, but if it is not to be then it will change nothing.
I think one of her main fears is that our children will cut ties with
both of us. I have told her that they may not want to know me but they
would not reject her. She has also decided that she will not tell her
Mother as she would broadcast it to all the family. We will do that
ourselves when the time is right.
We have agreed that we must tell or children as soon as possible as the
longer we leave it the harder it will become and so we are still aiming
at Monday. I hope that in view of my closeness with my children,
particularly my daughters, that they will, even though reluctantly
accept the situation. We will no soon.
Still whatever happens, I am getting the medical support that I need.
On Sunday was my eldest Grandsons birthday party, where all the family
go together. It was a very stressful occasion, particularly as there
was the thought it could be the last that I would be invited to.
I made sure that they could attend the next day, which they all agreed
and I reminded them not to bring their children or partners as it is
too confidential.
Monday 31st May
Our youngest Daughter was the first to arrive. On entering the lounge
she broke down in tears. She was absolutely devastated. She thought
that one of us was dying and that was why we had called the meeting. I
was heart broken that I had caused her so much stress and convinced her
that her Mothers health had stabilised and that mine was improving
since I had lost so much weight.
When they had all arrived I told them everything. The following is an
outline of what I told them.
This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.
You will be very upset, hurt, disappointed and probably not understand
why and I am dreadfully sorry to have to put you through this.
Since I was a small child I have known that I was different. It sounds
a clich? to say, but I have always felt that I am a woman in a man's
body.
I have tried to push these thoughts into the background, but recent
months they have overtaken me and it reached a stage where I could no
longer resist them. The condition cannot be cured as it is probably
genetic.
Also when I was born, my mother desperately wanted me to be a girl. She
didn't dress me in a feminine manner but often remarked on the fact
that I should have been a girl. This may well have been the reason why
I was her favourite.
Very little was known about the condition when I was young and was
never spoken about.
The situation was the same in the early sixties when we got married. I
thought it would just go away. It didn't. I was able to keep it secret
from your mother and only told her that I wanted to dress about 20
years ago. Your Mother would not allow it as she could not tolerate it.
I carried on in secret. Your mother caught me several times and we had
almighty rows, normally when you were in bed. I am sure you must have
overheard and had some inkling of what was going on. This has continued
over the years. However this was not the answer and would never have
been enough. It was not about dressing.
The feelings were getting stronger all the time and eventually would
not be denied.
Anyway at the beginning of the year I decided that I must do something
about it. I was always feeling depressed and getting snappy.
I started researching on the internet and about six to eight weeks ago
and started on a course of hormone therapy, with hormones that I
managed to buy over the internet. Your Mother discovered it, Thursday
before last and even though she was shocked and very upset, she made me
tell her all and said I should go and see our GP. This I did last
Wednesday.
He was very supportive and is going to monitor my health and is
arranging for me to see a specialist.
This has been as big a shock to your Mother as it has to you all. But
your Mother has been brilliant through a week or two that she must have
felt that her whole world is falling apart.
I desperately hope that you can be understanding and eventually forgive
me and give me your support. Even if you can't I would expect you to
support and help your Mother through this very difficult time for her.
I will try not to cause you any embarrassment and the changes will be
gradual over 2- 3 years.
I have written each of you a letter which I would like you to read
while I go out. I will be out for about an hour and will then return.
If you then want to discuss it further I will try to be as honest as I
can. If you need more time ask your mother to ring and ask me to stay
out longer. I will do whatever you all want.
My younger son said that they would support both of us and that we have
always been there for them and they would support me all the way.
I handed them their letters which were written in a similar vein to the
one I gave to their mother and asked them to discuss it with their
Mother.
My elder daughter rang about 20 minutes later and said that they were
waiting for a cup of tea.
When I got home they all gave me a hug and said that they are there for
the both of us. They said they can guess how tough it has been for me
trying to ignore it and they don't think that there is the same stigma
attached to it, that there was when we were young. They also thought
that I had been very brave and they know how difficult it must have
been.
My whole family has been brilliant and their reaction went far beyond
my wildest dreams. I don't expect it all to be a bed of roses and I
expect things to be strained for a while. However, with a bit of
consideration on my part and not trying to rush things with them I know
that we can get through this.
They are not going to tell their partners and will keep it confidential
until we are ready to tell others.
I reckon I am the luckiest person alive and have the best family that
anyone could have.
The next day I had my blood test and hopefully I will have my follow up
appointment with my GP at the end of the week.
I have also spoken to my family today and even though they are having
trouble coming to terms with it, they assure me that they will support
me totally, even though it is a lot to take in. I have told them that
any questions they have I will try to answer as honestly and clearly as
possible.
Things seem to be going my way at the moment and I am feeling very
positive about the future. I know that there could be many stumbling
blocks in the months ahead but it makes you feel so much less alone and
I am fairly confident that my family will soon be able to accept
things. I am not so sure about my wife. However, if we have to
eventually separate I know that between my children and myself we can
ensure that she will be properly cared for.
Yvette
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