Desires on Hold
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Desires On Hold Part 4 free porn video
Desires on hold, part 4
By Michelle Jane
5th July 2004.
Before I start part 4, I would like to thank everyone for their good
wishes. One kind person has said that details of my transition are a
very thoughtful service. I hope that others are perhaps able to get
comfort out of what I am doing. Though I beg you not to make the same
mistakes and try to hide it for so many years. If you are certain that
you are transgendered my advice would be to put your trust in others.
They may well surprise you. I wish I had come out years ago. It would
have been so much easier and I would have been far happier if I had
become a woman long ago. Still it is better late than never.
At the end of part 3, I told of my nightmares, prior to the family get-
togethers, involving my brothers.
This led to my Wife and myself wondering if they had heard anything.
What triggered this concern was a couple of phone calls from my older
brother, asking if there was any news and discussing health,
particularly mine.
I mentioned it to my elder daughter and she said that as far as she
knew, nothing could have been said to any of them. She went on to say
that it might be a good idea to tell them anyway, as it is starting to
become obvious. I did not realise that she had noticed, I thought that
I was disguising my breasts, fairly well. She said that she only
noticed because she was expecting to see developments, but not quite so
soon. Apparently she has also been researching on the internet.
I said that I would discuss her suggestion with her mother and also
with her sister and brothers.
My wife thought that I probably should as it is better coming from me
than by any other source. My elder son was quite happy about it, as was
my younger daughter. The only one who objected was Peter, who thought
that I should wait until after I had seen the psychiatrist, in case he
refused me. I said that it was extremely unlikely that I would be
turned down as the GP would not have recommended me to the specialist
if he hadn't been convinced. I think that he was secretly hoping that I
would be refused and everything would revert to normal. I have made it
crystal clear to him that it will happen and that this is the only way
that I can be truly happy and fulfilled. He has now accepted it as a
fact and has spoken to hi twin sister who confirms his acceptance.
I did not expect immediate full acceptance from them, as it is
obviously an awful lot to take in, but they are all eventually getting
there.
Anyway, on Friday 25th June, I sent the following letter to all of my
brothers.
My Dear Brother
What I am going to tell you will shock you deeply and be very hard to
take. It is going to be very difficult to tell and I sincerely hope
that you can understand. There is no easy way of telling it.
I am sorry to take the coward's way out and write to all three of you,
but it was so hard, deeply upsetting and stressful telling my own
family, I could not go through that again.
For many years I have been deeply unhappy and since I was a very small
child have been very uncomfortable living as a male.
When we were young, very little was known about transgenderism and even
less talked about.
When I met and married Lillian I thought the problem would go away, but
unfortunately it didn't.
Attitudes had not changed in the sixties and it was still an unknown
and unspoken subject.
Once attitudes had changed and more was known of the subject, it was
too late for me to do anything. I had the responsibility of a young
family and would not make them a one parent family. I decided that I
would do something when they had all left home.
Unfortunately it was at about this time that Lillian became ill and
when she became disabled, I was her carer. Again I could do nothing.
Over the years the feeling of unhappiness and frustration have grown
stronger and at the beginning of this year it got to a point where I
could no longer ignore it. I had no alternative but to take action.
I did a lot of research on the internet, with the end result that in
March I secretly started on a regime of Hormone therapy. The course
that I decided on carried the least risks.
Lillian discovered it in May and I had to tell her all.
Obviously she was very upset about it but made me face up to it and go
to see the Family Doctor. Without Lillian's making me, I do not know
when I would have had the courage to go for medical support. I will
always be in her debt. I wish that I had, had the courage to confide in
her much earlier, but as I am sure that you will realise, not one of
the easiest of subjects to broach.
I made an appointment with our GP, who much to my surprise and great
relief was very supportive and quite knowledgeable on the subject.
He arranged for full blood tests is monitoring my health, which so far
is proving to be o.k. Blood pressure, cholesterol, kidneys, heart, etc.
are fine. The cholesterol was the biggest surprise, as I had been
grossly overweight for so long. Over fifteen stone. I believe the
weight gain was due to depression, as now I have made my decision I
have fairly easily, lost three stone and have a target weight of under
ten and a half stone.
The Doctor asked many questions and is convinced that I am
transgendered and has referred me to a specialist to progress me
further. He also confirmed that it was o.k. to carry on with the same
hormone regime.
I have told my children, but not their spouses. Even though they were
deeply shocked they have been very supportive and are with me all the
way. You can imagine how relieved I am. I was terrified that I might
lose them, which would have absolutely devastated me but could not have
stopped me.
My wife, kids and grandkids have been the one good thing and
compensation in my life. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't all been bad. I
do not regret my family in the slightest and love them all dearly.
Lillian is struggling to accept it and if finding it very hard but is
still being supportive of me. My whole family has been brilliant. I am
so proud of them all.
I hope that you can understand and if you do I would be happy to talk
it over with you. If you cannot I would be totally unwilling to discuss
it with you. The decision is made and I have no choice in the matter.
Any negative comments would only be upsetting and would be a waste of
time.
I do not want any of you to discuss it with my children or Lillian,
unless it is just to give your support. I would not accept you trying
to put any pressure on my family. However I would be grateful for any
real support that you can show them.
They have had a hard enough time as it is and need support, not
pressuring and as I say nothing can change what I have now started.
I will probably have to give Gavin's wedding a miss as things are
beginning to show and I would not want to cause any embarrassment to
the family or to myself for that matter.
You and my family are the only ones that know and I would like to keep
it as confidential as possible for the time being. Even my children's
partners do not know and until they are ready to tell them, we would
want it to stay that way. Particularly Liz, as I believe she would give
Peter a lot of grief and Jackie as she is a bit of a gossip and may let
it slip.
We will have to get divorced, probably in the near future. I will not
contest it and will be able to get a quickie. I would hope still remain
friends. Also we will still have a business to run.
We will notify you of any developments on that side.
There will be very little visible change for the remainder of this
year, apart from the physical development. I will spend the time
improving my appearance, developing the business and getting mine and
Lillian's lives into order. Selling and buying new homes and hopefully
settling the court case against HHA.
I will start full transitioning in the New Year.
I love you all dearly and really hope that you can understand and
accept, as I do not want to lose contact with any of you.
Your ever-loving brother
Mike
We now await the phone calls.
It is now the 28th June and no contact from my brothers, as yet. I will
be very disappointed and upset, if I do not hear and if they cannot
accept. I would not willingly want to lose contact with any of them.
I suppose it is still early days. They may have only received their
letters today.
Ten in the evening, I received the first call from my younger brother.
He had only received his letter that evening. To say he was stunned,
was an understatement. However, he said that of course he would support
me, as would my other two brothers. He said that he had always wanted a
sister and if I am, as good a sister as I have been a brother he would
be more than happy. His wife called out that if Mike had been born your
sister, my brother would not have been born, because my Mother only
ever wanted a boy and a girl and was convinced that I was going to be a
girl.
He did say that it will take some getting used to but will always be
there for me, no matter what I wanted.
He asked if I had decided what I was gong to call myself. I said that I
would use the same initials and become Michelle Jane. After the call,
my wife thought that Michaela was a nicer name and only required an ?a'
put on the end. I said that I would think about, although I prefer
Michelle.
My youngest brother rang at about 10.50pm after receiving a phone call
from my younger brother. He had not received his letter but had an e-
mailed copy. He also was stunned but also very supportive. After a long
conversation, he spoke to my wife. She had always got on well with him,
even when he was a kid. He told her that anytime she wanted a chat, to
ring him.
Next morning, my elder brother rang. Unfortunately, I was out at the
bank. However it gave him and his wife a chance to discuss it with my
wife. He rang me back later and we had a long conversation. The outcome
is that he will also support me. He said that he found my letter sad,
because he never realised that I was so unhappy for most of my life.
Also he said what really upset him was that he did not know what he
could do to help me. I said that their support was all that I needed.
It was so important to me.
They all have said that they cannot really understand it but if there
is anything I want or need to let them know. They will be there for me.
I am so pleased and relieved. All my closest family is giving me
support. I am so very lucky. I know of cases where others in a similar
position lose their families.
I spoke to my eldest daughter next morning and she had spoken to my
younger brother's wife and she had told her that my brother had spoken
to my other brothers, when he first received his letter and warned them
that if they cannot accept it to leave me alone. He would not tolerate
them causing me any upset. This surprised me as I thought that if any
of them could not accept it, it would have been him. As it turned out
they were all immediately supportive.
They also said that it would be like having their Mum back as I do
closely resemble her. If I can look half as good as my Mother I will
not be disappointed.
On Wednesday 30th June, I had an appointment with the GP. He gave me a
quick medical and was very happy with my progress.
He had heard from Hillingdon HA who said that they do not have the
expertise in Transgenderism, since the retirement from the NHS of their
specialist and have referred me onto the Charing X GIC. My GP has also
written asking for an early appointment. He said that if he does not
hear fairly soon, he will refer me to a private practitioner. I hope it
will be very soon, as I want to star electrolysis as soon as possible
and I would rather go to a clinic that I am referred to rather than
finding one on the internet.
I told him that I had told my brothers and that they were very
supportive and were, also talking to my wife. But she is still
struggling.
He said the problem is that after 40+ years of marriage you think that
you know your partner totally and to suddenly find out such a massive
secret and one that is going to be totally life changing will be
incredibly difficult to cope with. He said that she probably feels let
down and grieving for the loss of a life long partner.
He said that with the support and love of such a warm and loving
family, she may be able to eventually accept it and find it easier to
cope.
If she is grieving, it gives me hope that she will eventually start to
come to terms with it and find it easier to cope. I sincerely hope so.
3rd August, will be a difficult day. It will be our 41st Wedding
Anniversary and at the moment I am not sure how to handle it. I do not
want to ignore it, but at the same time I do not want to open wounds or
remind her of how things must change.
The doctor wants to see me again in four weeks.
At the moment only my close family know of it. How long I can keep it a
secret, I am not sure. It is becoming increasingly difficult to hide my
breasts.
My Wife is also finding my breast development uncomfortable and hard to
take. She is becoming increasingly distressed and nothing I say helps.
I am trying to make sure it is not too obvious but obviously she knows
that they are there.
I am already wearing tight vests and a loose shirt and I do not want to
start strapping them down. In fact I won't. It is more likely that in
the near future I will need some sort of support. I do not wish to risk
any damage to my breast tissue.
Saturday, we went to my eldest daughter's baby's first birthday party,
at Milton Keynes. My wife did not want to go as she is finding it
increasingly difficult playing ?happy families'. We new there would
also be a lot of strangers there as well as my Daughters in-laws and
the chance of someone noticing was increased. However we went and
things went pretty well. I got lumbered for doing the cooking on the
barbeque. I wife said I was showing quite a bit and my two daughters
seemed to notice. But I said that they knew to look but I doubt that
any one else noticed.
Mind you we were glad to get home.
Sunday my Wife seems a bit more relaxed. It is probably having got the
family gathering out of the way.
I think that we will have to sit down soon and discuss the near future
and the best action to take. My body is developing much quicker than I
anticipated. Presumably, being less developed as a male has allowed the
anti-androgens and hormones to take affect more easily Apart from the
problems that it is creating I am delighted with the feminisation. I
know that my GP is quite happy with the regime and that I am not over
doing it with the hormones.
Hopefully this year I can get electrolysis underway, make up lessons
and my hair gradually restyled, as it is starting to thicken up and
improve. Then in the New Year I will be able to dress full time and
during the following year, go for SRS. This obviously depends on
getting an early referral to a specialist.
By that time I would have been on hormones for at least two years and
had a full life experience of at least a year to eighteen months.
If the specialist will not prescribe hormones immediately, I will
continue to but them over the internet. It appears that it is a cheaper
option than by private prescription. A similar regime to the one I am
on is about ?200.00 per month and about ?150.00 over the net. I do not
believe that they are available on the NHS.
If any one would like to communicate with me about my story, either
this episode or the previous three, offer comments, advice or even
criticism I would welcome your calls. I will answer every e-mail and
would be willing to enter into regular communication. I have found that
sharing information and comments has been so helpful and reassuring. It
helps you feel less alone and isolated, even though I am luckier than
some and have the support of my family, even though they do not totally
understand it. Mind you it has only been a little more than a month
since I told them and not a lot longer since my wife found out.
To be continued.
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