Desires on Hold
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Desires On Hold Part 5 free porn video
Desires on Hold Part 5
By Michelle Jane
12th August 2004
We are having friends round for dinner on Tuesday. This is a lady who
was in Hospital the same time as my wife and her Husband. She had, had
a major stroke and it has left her with similar disabilities as my
wife. Karen and Patrick have remained good friends since. This will be
the first time we have actually seen them since I started on hormones.
She knows nothing about it. Hopefully everything will go smoothly.
Tuesday Morning. At least my wife is now talking to me about my future
actions in preparation for changing over and not getting upset. I hope
that this is the first stage towards full acceptance.
We spoke about electrolysis, hair transplant, speech therapy, make up
lessons and generally about the things that I must try to get either
completed or well under way this year.
She also asked if I was going to get my hair permed because I could not
continue to comb my hair back. I said that I would allow my hair to
grow longer and gradually have it restyled. She jokingly asked if I was
going to join the blue rinse brigade. I said I should not think so but
I would probably have it coloured back to my original colour.
She asked if I could drink whilst on my hormones. I did not think that
there is any reason why I should not, in moderation, but I probably
wouldn't. I haven't had a drink for months, not that I have ever really
been much of a drinker.
This all leads me to believe that my wife is feeling easier over me. I
sincerely hope so.
Our friends arrived in the evening and everything went smoothly. We sat
on the patio and had a couple of drinks. I had a shandy.
We were shocked at how Karen's health had deteriorated in the last six
months since we had visited them. When she was discharged from hospital
she was more active and mobile than my wife. In the past four years my
wife's mobility has gradually improved and Karen is now almost
completely disable to the point that she needs a wheelchair and uses a
disability scooter. We suspect that she has had several mini-strokes
since. It was very sad to see her.
About 9.30pm I went down the chippy for a fish and chip supper.
While we were sitting at the table eating, our friend's husband said
that it is a wonderful story, the sort of thing you read in woman's
magazines. I looked quizzically at my wife and she grinned. I thought
that perhaps she had told them. I looked quizzically at my wife and she
grinned. I thought that perhaps she had told them. Later I showed him a
photo of my brothers and myself. He said I am so lucky having a close
and loving family. I asked him what story he spoke about earlier and he
said your success story of falling out with your employer, starting a
business in competition and really making a success of it whilst they
are failing.
I said yes it gives us a nice warm feeling and a lot of satisfaction.
After they had left us, my wife laughed and said that I thought that
she had told them. I said that it did cross my mind. I must admit it
would not really worry me if she had. The only reason we are keeping I
confidential is for my family's sake. I am not bothered for myself. The
ones that I really care about already know and are supporting me.
Next Morning I spoke to my wife and said that I was getting the
impression that she was starting to feel a little easier about it. She
asked why I thought that and I replied that we were talking in much
more intimate details about my change than we had before. She thought
that it was possible but she did not have much choice anyway.
She has certainly been in a better mood the last couple of days. I said
whatever the reason I will always be grateful to her.
Wednesday evening I rang my youngest brother, David, and he asked how I
was getting along. I told him no problems, that I had seen the doctor
again and he was satisfied with my progress. I told him that I had
actually rung to ensure that his daughters did not discuss it at the
wedding as it is still very confidential. He said he still cannot
understand it but will obviously still support me.
Thursday Morning I had to go to a seminar, with my eldest daughter,
Karen who is my Financial Controller, on VAT. Really exciting. On the
way there we chatted over what was happening and the family's reaction.
Apparently they are all quite relaxed about it. She said that she had
noticed this morning that her Mum seems much happier and fairly willing
to speak. I told her that she was also talking to me on a more intimate
basis.
She is also pulling me up when my actions are not particularly
feminine. I said that after all these years it is something that I have
got to quickly learn and I am very grateful for her input.
In the afternoon, Mother in Law arrived. I went up to my office to
work.
Thursday evening my younger brother, Raymond, rang for a chat.
Inevitably the conversation changed to my transgenderism. He still
could not understand how something like this can suddenly happen. I
explained again that this is not something sudden but has been with me
all my life. He said that he had never seen any evidence of it. My
Mother had never mentioned catching me and he was extremely surprised
that I had been dressing in secret on and off through my married life.
He said he hopes that I will tell them that after I have my appointment
with the specialist that I will tell them that I was wrong and I am not
changing. I said don't hold your breath; there is not a cats chance in
hell of that happening.
He said that he has been researching the subject and thinks that I am
brave to put myself through so much. I told him it is not bravery, it
is a necessity, I have no choice.
He said that he would prefer to keep three brothers but would settle
for two brothers and a sister. I told him that I really look forward to
being a proper sister.
I thought afterwards, what a wonderful feeling, I am going to be a
sister to three loving brothers.
He has told his son and future daughter in law as it is their wedding
we are missing. They are fine with it. I don't know if they will tell
her parents, but it should not be a problem as he is a Doctor.
He asked what we were going to do about a home. I said that my priority
was to get my wife settled into a bungalow. There will only be enough
money realised to buy one house, at the moment and that will be for the
wife. If necessary I will rent. He said surely you will split the house
50/ 50.
After I had run Mother in Law home, my wife and myself sat and
discussed my conversation with my Brother.
The next day my son Peter called round and obviously wanted to talk to
my wife. I went up to my office and did some work.
They called me down and apparently they had been talking about Peter's
concerns about my transgenderism coming out at my Nephews wedding, as
some of his cousins now know. I told Peter that I had spoken to my
brothers and stressed that their children should not discuss it or
mention it at the wedding as my children's partners do not know about
it yet and must not until my family is ready for it to come out. Thy
assured me nothing will be said and that their children had been told
that it extremely confidential.
Peter then went on to discuss his mum's future living arrangements. We
said that we were not going to make any quick decisions as we only have
the one chance and we are going to make sure that it is the right one
for both of us and the company.
Peter suggested looking for a bungalow with ?out buildings' that could
be turned into living accommodation for myself and an office. If it was
big enough he would sell his house and move his partner and children
there.
My wife said that she could not live that close to her, it would end in
rows, particularly when she knows about me. She could not resist sly
digs.
Peter said that if that happened he would throw her out, as they are
divorced and he would not remarry her.
I said that if their relationship breaks up because of them, that is
down to them but could not have it on my conscience if it broke up over
me.
The family still want us living close together so that they can keep an
eye on both of us.
In the last few days my wife's mood seems to have been up and down and
last Sunday she really started to have a go at me, saying how due to my
selfishness I have damaged the family. I responded to her and asked
that aren't I entitled to some happiness after all these years, and it
is because of that type of reaction was why I could never confide in
her in the past.
She apologised but said isn't she allowed the occasional rant. I said
that if that is all it is and makes her feel better, carry on.
Next day she was o.k. again.
That day I went into the West End of London to carry out some surveys.
It was warm and I did not wear a coat.
A builder I met kept on giving me funny looks. When I got home I
mentioned it to my wife and she said I am not surprised, you can see
that you have breasts. Tight vests and shirts are no longer hiding
them.
The hormones appear to be working very quickly. My skin is softening
body hairs, particularly on my chest and nipples are far less
noticeable, even though they have never been that thick, my lips are
thickening, I have some fine dark hairs growing on my head and my
waist, hip and chest measurements are changing. My weight is now down
to eleven and a half stone. I am still targeting at below ten and a
half stone. But certainly the most noticeable change is my breast
growth.
I do not think that I can go on meeting customers for my company, much
longer. I will have to hand those meeting over to Peter. I also think
that I am going to have to announce it generally, in the near future.
Another week or two, I think it will be impossible to hide.
My wife has suggested that I should buy some aerobic bras as thee may
help minimise my breasts and give some support, which I am obviously
starting to need.
I wrote to my GP last Friday and asked that if Charing X were going to
delay things, could he refer me to Dr Russell Reid. I also rang and
made an appointment to see him on Thursday 22nd July.
I went out yesterday (Sunday 18th July), to Matalans with my wife and
purchased two bras. Apparently they are called strappy crop tops. She
spent ages looking through the racks.
When we left and was driving home she said 'I don't believe we just did
that' I replied that 'you will never know what it means to me, this is
the first time you have allowed me to buy anything feminine'. She
replied that she does not have much choice.
When we got home I tried one on. She even adjusted the straps for
me. It does everything that we hoped it would and was comfortable and
feels very feminine.
She says that we will go into Uxbridge this afternoon and see what BHS
have and pick up a couple more.
We purchased two more crop tops. She laughed and said it was just like
it was when she took out our daughters to get them their first bras.
It was very satisfying to have her help and support and she seemed ok
with me wearing it all day and going out with me while I was wearing
it.
I now wear them all the time.
She has been much more cheerful, over the last few days and I believe
she is at last accepting the situation. Hopefully the grieving period
is coming to an end.
Tuesday 20th July, Peter and myself had a meeting with one of our major
clients, on behalf of my company. I had to dress in trousers, shirt,
tie and jacket. I hated every minute of it. I felt terrible and found
it very upsetting. I could not wait to get home and changed. Still the
end of the year all my male clothes will go to the charity shops and I
will never wear them again.
As it is I have already given most of my suits to the RSPCA shop along
with trousers, jackets etc. A lot of them were new. I have kept one
suit and two pairs of trousers and they are beginning to hang on me
like sacks.
Wednesday 21st July my GP's P.A rang to say that there was a letter of
referral for me to collect and that I should ring Dr Reid for an
appointment, as it is a private consultation. I collected the letter
and rang immediately. Dr. Reid is going on holiday, but an appointment
has been made for 24th August.
Wednesday evening my wife was a bit moody and argumentative and said
she has had enough and wants a divorce immediately.
This morning she is fine again.
I saw my GP today and he is pleased with my progress. He agreed that my
development does seem fairly rapid but can't explain it. He said that I
am fairly healthy and was I worried about it? I said no, I am
absolutely delighted. I am now happier and more contented than I have
ever been, am very positive and now really looking forward to the
future. Particularly when I start my real life experience.
He said that Dr Reid will be able to answer all my queries and tell me
if my development is unusually fast.
He wants to see me after my meeting with the specialist. He also
suggested that Dr Reid may be able to get some of the procedures on the
NHS. He will support it if it is possible.
30th July. I had to attend a meeting in the city again this morning. I
got my trousers, shirt, tie and jacket ready and could not even bring
myself to put them on.
In the end I went out wearing an aerobic bra, light blue stretch
denims, sports shirt and a pair of white/ blue suede ladies trainers, I
purchased yesterday, because men's trainers are so heavy and ugly and
these are smart, lightweight and comfortable. You know, I felt smashing
and very feminine.
I do not know if I can last out to the end of the year, before I change
over. I hate the idea of wearing any male clothes. I do not even want
to continue living as a male. Still I must try as I promised my family
I would wait. I am not sure why these feeling are taking over so
quickly, I certainly never expected it.
I am probably getting too impatient. My body and mind are surging ahead
of what I can practically do at the moment, especially when you
consider that I have been on hormones only for four months and only
came out just over two months ago.
Into August and my Wife is being very understanding and seems to be
more accepting of the situation. However, I think that it is going to
be a very difficult Month. The 3rd August would have been our 41st
wedding anniversary. She is determined not to celebrate it. She has
also told the family not to recognise it. I have agreed but said that I
cannot let it go totally unmarked. I have done her a card expressing my
deepest regrets for all the hurt I have caused her, and ordered a huge
spray of flowers.
The wording in the card was as follows:
My Dearest Lillian
I cannot let our anniversary pass without expressing my love and
gratitude for the past forty one years and my regret for the way in
which it ended. I am so, so sorry.
I know you have said that our marriage ended on 20th May 2004, when you
made me confess to my need to become a woman. I fully understand can
accept what you say.
I know that it has been terribly hard for you and that you must be
going through a form of grieving. I realise that I destroyed our
marriage that night.
You have said that words are easy. They are not. I have cried many
tears trying to write this. I find it very hard to know the right
things to say and nothing I say will really help mend that hurt.
I hope that time is a great healer and one day you may be able to
understand and perhaps, find it in your heart to forgive me.
I am grateful for the help and support that you have shown and given to
me. I know some of it must have been incredibly hard. I am sure that
your help made it easier for me to gain our children's' support and not
lose them.
I cannot imagine what it would be like if I had lost my family. I know
that I have been blessed with a wonderful family. Some people must
think ?how could I risk losing such a loving family?'
I had no choice, the need and desires got so strong, they were
occupying most of my waking and sleeping hours. I was feeling very
depressed and had trouble holding my temper in check.
Since I started the change, I have been much more at peace with myself
and know it is the right thing to do.
I am now finding it increasingly difficult and distressing to wear any
male clothes, even though I will keep my promise not to dress until the
New Year and if I have to dress smart then I will somehow manage.
My biggest regret is the unhappiness and distress I have caused my
family and most of all the problems I have caused you.
I will always be there for all of you and will do what I can you make
it easier for you. If there is any way that I can continue to care for
you, I would be proud to do it.
I understand your occasional rants and if they help, please carry on.
I do not know what else to say or do to start to make it up to you. I
know that I cannot stop what I have started.
I will love you always and the 3rd august will always be very special
to me.
The remainder of August will also be a strain. She has four hospital
appointments, on of them an MRI scan to cheque that her tumour is still
dormant. She will worry until she sees the radiotherapist at the end of
the month. The ninth is Emma's Birthday and Karen's anniversary. The
family is getting together on the seventh. These family gatherings are
getting quite a strain as my development is now becoming obvious and
getting impossible to hide. I do not want to hide it. If I was just
about me, I would shout it from the roof tops. Also I have my
consultation with Dr Russell Reid on the 24th August. I suspect that
she hopes that I will be turned down for treatment and until I have my
consultation she lives in hope but she knows in her heart that it will
go ahead and as from January I will be living, working and socialising
full time as a woman. I cannot wait.
Saturday, we started filling in the divorce papers and got them mostly
completed. I said that I would deliver them to the County Court during
this week. We have given the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour, i.e.
my changing of gender. We should be divorced by November. The divorce
will be very amicable and we will remain as close friends.
We are planning to buy a Bungalow for the Wife with enough space to one
side to build an annex for me. I can then be there if she needs me.
Emma came around to see us on Sunday and bought in two cockatiels for
the wife, which a friend of hers had rescued. I said that when we
separate, she will have to have custody.
Emma and her family spent the day with us and so we had a barbecue and
had a very pleasant and relaxing day.
She certainly does seem much more at ease in herself.
She was very quiet when we got up on the third. After breakfast I left
her card on the side. She opened it but made no comment. However, she
was absolutely delighted with the flowers and said many more apologies
like that and she will begin to believe that I really am sorry. I said
I am sorry for all the upset that I have caused but not for what I am
doing.
My elder Brother Alan rang to see how things were going and if I had an
appointment with the specialist. I told him that it is arranged for
24th of this month. We discussed the Sunday night ITV1 programme on
transsexuals ?My Dad is my Mum' I said that Lillian's comment was,
?when they were talking about the depressions, increasing, quick
tempers and the eventual feeling of having no choice but to
transition', that sounded very familiar. We agreed that the law was
cruel in the 70's, forcing couples to split in order for the
transgendered to be helped. We also agreed that the other transsexual
was unfair to dump it onto his family, without giving them time to
become accustomed to the idea.
All considered, the day we would have been celebrating our 41st wedding
anniversary, went off fairly well. My Daughter Karen was the only one
who marked the day and she sent us a friendship card for 41 years of
Friendship. My wife liked that.
The aerobic bras are no longer minimising my breasts. They are now
starting to shape and support them and becoming more noticeable. I am
delighted and very proud of them. Also the more weight I lose the more
they are becoming noticeable.
After all the publicity regarding Nadia of Big Brother and other high
profile transsexuals I feel that this has helped raised the profile of
the transgendered and is helping us be more accepted and easier to live
through our real life experience.
Because of this I am eager really looking forward to it. I do not fear
abuse as I do not feel that there is now any stigma attached. I know
that in the past, even as recent as the last decade, the transgendered
have suffered violence, abuse, damage to their homes insults, loss of
employment, all due to ignorance and stupidity. Our sisters over the
years have made it easier for us for which we must be eternally
grateful.
Also the Gender Recognition Bill will be of immense help. This is one
thing that we must be grateful to the Government for and probably
Europe.
Since going on to several different sites I have made many good friends
and we do need friends and we can do so much to help and support each
other. I do not believe any one could successfully transition without
others support and friendship. It would certainly be very lonely.
I am finding the wait to the New Year, before I can really get on, very
frustrating. I do not want to be or live as a male any longer. But a
promise to the family is obviously of utmost importance. They are fully
supporting me and I owe them that much. I impatiently await my
appointment with Dr Russell Reid in a week or so. At least I will know
that I will have started to get things underway and can start
electrolysis etc. I will also get my hair styled more uni-sex and
coloured back to nearer my original hair colouring. I am sure that
positive steps like that will at least help pass the months a bit
quicker. I know that I could have found electrolysis practitioners on
the internet, but I would rather wait and consult with someone
recommended.
I think the main problem is that I am developing far quicker than I
ever expected or was prepared for. In spite of the frustration of
waiting, I am now contented since I started on the hormones and am
truly excited by the future. In the meantime I will have to be
satisfied with dressing uni-sex. At least the development will make it
that much easier when I start living as a woman full time.
At least my Company is still growing all the time and in our first year
of trading we will have doubled our budgeted target. I am confident
that we will be financially secured and I will have employment for as
long as I want it. After all, I am the Managing Director and major
share holder. Who could possibly sack me?
My story will continue for several more episodes and will not be
complete until I have had my SRS and am living an independent and happy
life as a woman. I would have then achieved my life long desire.
Writing my story has helped me immensely and has made me think out my
actions and keeps everything in perspective. I have shed many tears
whilst writing it. It brings back all the original sadness and also the
hurt and grief that my actions must cause my family. But I know that
they understand that if there had been any alternative, that I would
have taken it.
If any one would like to communicate with me about my story, either
this episode or the previous four, offer comments, advice or even
criticism I would welcome your calls. I will answer every e-mail and
would be more than happy to enter into regular communication.
To be continued.
Michelle Jane
Haven
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