Zen and the Art of Self Defense Chapter 2
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Zen And The Art Of Self-Defense Chapter 3 free porn video
Chapter 3 - Unexpected Reversal
I am speechless as I try my hardest to understand exactly what she is
asking, or maybe even telling me.
After a moment of considering the implications, as my mind just races
through everything, I finally get out, "You...you want me, to be a.a
girl?" It's very difficult for me to accept that concept, from another
person.
Looking directly into my eyes, like she's trying to peer into my soul,
she quietly and with a sincerity that goes beyond anything I've ever
experienced, says, "Yes, Chris, that's exactly what I'm asking."
All sorts of thoughts, and memories, flood my mind as I realize that in
some ways, she is asking me to begin a journey I've only dreamed about
making, one I was sure if I ever attempted it, I would be totally alone
and probably fail miserably at; yet I'm getting the feeling that if I
did it now, actually followed through, she would be there for me. But I
just can't force myself to accept that possibility. It's so remote and
foreign to anything I've ever imagined about my life and my future and
how they would actually play out. How do I now reconcile this
impossibility that has suddenly become a possibility, to my reality?
I start to say something but she interjects, "Let me try to explain some
of my thoughts with a little more detail. Please, hear me out, and
think on all this before you answer, or even before you make any
decision at all. Okay, Chris? For me?"
I take a big sigh and say, "Okay. For you. But..." I just can't get all
my thoughts, my fears, out.
"I know, it's a surprising request," she pauses, like she's searching
for the right words, 'well, astonishing, even, but there are reasons for
it. So, please listen and consider it all."
Because I can barely think, with so much going on, I nod as she appears
to gather her thoughts. I am wondering if she knows my thoughts, my
dreams, or is she guessing. I suppose even guessing she could get
close. This is all so confusing, and just when I thought my life was
getting unconfused.
"I want to go out, whenever, and with you, that's very important here.
And maybe with others along, male or female, and have it be a fun time
out with no expectations, no commitments, nothing getting the two of us
hung up on anything.
She pauses as I try to understand, then continues, "Yes, I know, I'm
sure you're a professional, but you're a guy and I'm a girl. Regardless
of what we may think might happen, the chances to get very close over
time, even have some intimate moments, will be very great. We both know
there's going to be lots of, oh, opportunities for us to get close,
closer than I might want...or would like. I don't want to be one of those
starlets who feels she has to go through every male who wanders near.
Yet, I have to acknowledge that distinct possibility," she pauses again,
"especially you looking, and being like you are."
She sighs as I begin to understand she has already developed feelings
for me. Oh, gawd.
"I'm also not 'saving' myself, but at the same time I want to keep this
private side of me separate from the public side, and you, well, with my
sister leaving soon, you'll soon be in the only place on my staff where
you will be a significant part of both sides. As someone who is working
for me, there's going to be problems with whether our relationship is
personal or professional. And it will be quite difficult to keep the
two apart.
She takes a breath, and continues "Yesterday, when we were in the
restaurant and the waitress called you my boyfriend. How did that make
you feel? Really? And, please, as you try to think it through, be
honest."
I have been listening to Jillian and whether I like it or not, she has a
point. I have a terrible crush on her, and I'm sure she is as aware of
it as she is aware of the same with her other employees. The good side
is, we all want the absolute best for her, the bad side is, we can get
way too emotionally involved way too easily and that could pose
problems. I see that, and I'm not sure of a solution - or a solution
with which I can deal. But she asked a question. Focus!
I look down for a moment, and then back into her blue eyes, "I liked it.
I admit it. On many levels. That somebody not knowing us, from how we
were interacting came so easily to that conclusion; and that you are so
beautiful and you're out with me; and that you're practically famous...and
you're out with me."
She takes a breath, and smiles, and as if to answer my previous thought
responds, "Do you know how easy it would be for me, right now, to keep
holding your hand, get up and pull you into the bedroom? I really,
really like you. And you would come, wouldn't you?"
I think about it for a moment realizing I was right, before replying,
"Yes."
There's a pause before I continue, "But understand, I'd be doing it
because of what you are. An unbelievable opportunity that I would kick
myself for the rest of my life if I refused."
"I would guess that, but is that the only reason?"
I sigh, here it comes, "No, because I do have a crush on you. And you
know it, don't you?"
Now it's her turn to sigh as she looks into the distance, "Yes.
Everyone who meets me or even sees me for a moment for that matter,
seems to have one, it would appear."
We sit in a silence for a moment and she turns her gaze back to me and
starts again, "And that's why it's important to me, to our relationship,
that we do what we must to keep it from going there, or really, going
too far there."
"But why a girl, or woman? You know, maybe we should just do it, get it
over with and get beyond it."
She gives me a knowing grin, "I've thought of that, and as truly
tempting as it sounds...well, is, the sad result would be the guy, you or
anyone else in your position, would forever compare yourself to any new
guy and either find that person lacking or himself lacking. Guys always
compare, you know that. It could too easily lead to jealousy or
contempt, neither of which would be good, for you or for me."
As those thoughts sink in, she continues, "For a while, I felt maybe the
position should be filled with a gay guy. But the reality is there,
it's awfully hard to find someone who has your physical attributes,
small but very agile, and able with all your abilities to act as a
bodyguard, yet who can also share the personal, intimate moments with
me. I also seriously considered young women who may be close to your
abilities, but what I saw there was that they are more often than not
lesbians who will have problems if I were to bring a male friend along
with whom I might become intimate. And there we go again with either
jealousy or contempt. With straight women, I found too often they
wanted to compete with me. I don't want to ever have to deal with
that."
"Straight guys do have the most problems, because not only what I've
mentioned, they want to impress me, prove their manhood besides the
jealousy. Far too many, maybe even all of them, it always seemed to be
about 'winning' even more than being competitive. And I certainly don't
want guys who would get confused about any relationship we might have,
who would start expecting more, or who would mistake what I was doing
with or around them."
I interject, "What about your bodyguards right now?"
She laughs a little, "Well, they did try all that at the beginning, but
I never let them get close to me, keeping it always strictly
professional and distant, but treating them with respect. Once they got
over it, they could function quite well.
"See Chris, with you, with your background in martial arts that you been
through, the competition, you're past that stage. Not by your choice, I
understand that, but through some trying times. You know it isn't just
about winning. It's a lot more than that. Life is the best teacher,
and you've had some sad experiences, way too soon, I'd guess, but you've
learned and moved on. You're sure of yourself in most things you do.
Now, I'm asking you to take another step. Because I believe you can be
just as sure in this if you do."
She pauses as I think about what she's saying. Take the next step. Oh,
my. That's one big step. Am I ready? Do I want it? I see what's she
saying, but I'm still scared. Even too scared to tell her, I think.
"Do you see what I trying to say? With each of the following I can see
multiple problems that would eventually, and sooner probably, cause
divisions. I don't want that. So, I've considered gays, lesbians,
straight males and females. And just to let you know, you were
originally on my list of straight males."
"You knew about me? For how long?"
She thinks for a moment, before responding, "Several weeks, maybe more
than a month. I had people searching various gyms and since I had been
to Avery's although it really is a small one, I included it. And your
name came up. From the first, you certainly met most of what I was
looking for. Except you were straight, well, not transgendered anyway,
at least to me, and went into my pared down list as a 'maybe but
probably reject'."
"Oh, uh, how did I get back onto the good list?"
"About ten days ago, I got an updated report from the agency I hired to
find out more about the people still on that list, and as I was scanning
down the now quite short list of names, I caught your name and that they
had discovered you were a cross-dresser."
I bite my lip, but decide I have to know, "Do you know how they found
out?"
"No, and please understand, I don't ever want to know. It's strictly a
professional relationship and the less I know, the better."
"I don't know if I want to know either, but it makes me uncomfortable."
"I understand, Chris, and part of the contract with them called for them
to destroy their information when finished. They are good, so I'm
confident they did. Although, I'd probably be concerned, too."
She's right, and I hope it's gone, but maybe it won't matter.
As I'm thinking this, she continues, "But when I saw that information,
it hit me like that proverbial ton of bricks. A transgendered guy. Of
course, it seems so obvious now. And the more I re-read your 'dossier'
the more I realized you were exactly what I was looking for. I actually
came into the gym once when you were giving a class, a little over a
week ago, just to get an idea of you."
"You did? You must have been in a good disguise, because I surely would
have remembered you."
"Yes, I was hanging around with others, and you barely ever looked my
way."
"I seldom pay attention when there are visitors; if anything, for Avery,
I try a little to put on a good show, because, who knows, they may sign
up. But I don't focus on them, and I don't remember you at all."
"Well, I liked what I saw and when that agency I hired called Avery, I
was on the line listening in, and every single thing he said, convinced
me even more that you were the one, are the one. From that point on, it
was just seeing up close, if you were really that guy, getting you here,
setting up little tests, and since then, everything you've done, has
shown me, completely convinced me that you are."
I feel like I'm in a losing battle, and I haven't even thought about
fighting, "Oh."
"All I wasn't sure of, was how committed, how much into cross-dressing
you were, are, which is why I asked to see your clothes. Tonight filled
in the last pieces; and please understand, Chris, I'm trying to be very
up front with you here. I don't want to hold anything back."
She looks at me expectantly as I realize that she wants me to say it's
okay, what she'll say next, what I'm both dreading and dreaming she will
say next. As I also realize she is now asking me not to hold anything
back, either. I take a big sigh, and say, "I understand, I think,
please go on."
As I say this, it's like in a way, it feels like I'm falling. I had
found this little niche on the side of this great big cliff called life,
and while it wasn't the best place, it seemed safe enough. So I've
clung to it for all I'm worth. And now she has chipped away my hold and
I'm falling, and I don't know what to do.
She takes a breath again, and probably peering even more deeply into my
eyes than before, so deep I feel it everywhere, she continues, "Whether
you accept it or not, whether you admit it to yourself, from what I can
see, you are very committed to it, it's part of who and what you are...and
maybe at times what you hope to be. And, Chris, it's all right with me.
I understand."
I begin trembling a little at that as I can feel in my free fall, her
reaching out and that she is now almost touching that something deep
within me, something that I've kept hidden and secret all my life. It's
so tough, makes life so difficult to be this way, and tougher to be it
alone, and I can feel that some part of her is awfully near that spot,
and it's warm and caring and wants to touch it, and take hold of it and
embrace it and stop it from this free fall I'm in, and say, it's okay.
And I am terrified.
There is silence for a moment, as I am still not sure of what I really
want, if this is the right thing, even with all she has been telling me.
And I can see, feel that she wants me to grab on to her, trust in her,
she'll pull me back. But to where?
"Chris, it's okay. I'm here for you," she says in almost a whisper as
she takes my other hand in hers.
I look deeply into her eyes, and then I say, "Jillian, I need to do
something, I promise, I'll be right back, okay?"
This surprises her a little, but she recovers and says, "You do what you
need to, I'll wait her as long as it takes."
I truly believe she would. And a little more of what she is about falls
into place. Which makes it a slight bit easier doing what I am going to
do.
I get up and go into my bedroom, and open a drawer that was not touched
by me or Jillian earlier, and underneath the items there, I pull up what
appears could be a false bottom and pull out the pack of items from
under there and breathing very slowly and deeply, sighing, I walk back
to her and sit down. I'm not sure exactly why I'm doing this, it feels
almost like a trance or something, like I'm watching myself do these
things, but...
"Here," I say, "there's one more thing you need to see."
And I hand her the pack of pictures.
"Oh, okay, thank you," she says as she takes them from me and starts
going through them.
There are only maybe a dozen or so, but they cover several years...of me
dressing, and all rather involved. I had lots more, but fear of them
being found, and misunderstood - which of course, is often more possible
than not - encouraged me to save what I thought were the most
'flattering' poses and destroy the rest. I took them myself with no one
around, using the camera's timer or a mirror reflection or just holding
it at arm's length. And it's amazing if you take enough pictures, at
enough angles, with enough dressing preparation, you can actually
suggest far more than is ever there - and let your imagination take
over. At least that's what I've told myself.
Yet, I still feel she can, now that she's actually seeing me dressed, so
easily reject them, reject me. That fear that if I were ever found out,
it would end my life. Just watching others react to transgendered
people who come out, and you just know that thoughts like sexual
perversion and its close kin, child molestation, are only a hair-breadth
away in most people's minds.
Jillian has been so understanding, so accepting, but with each
revelation, with each peeling back of the years I've kept things hidden,
I still have this doubt that to everybody else out there, even her,
there is a point where it's no longer okay, no longer acceptable, the
line has been crossed and there's no going back.
The room is deathly quiet as I watch her go through the pictures. What
is she thinking? Is it now too much?
She takes a breath and looks up at me before glancing back at them, even
lingering on some.
"These are you, aren't they?"
A pause, and a "Yes, all me, you are seeing me at my most hidden
moments."
She continues looking at them, then pauses and looking at me, very
softly says, "I can see that this has been hard for you and I'm truly
sorry. I just have to know and to make sure."
I'm beginning to understand this journey, as I respond, "You asked the
question before. Is it still a valid question?"
She looks at me and gives me that smile which would melt the heart of
anyone who sees it, "These pictures, some of these are...amazing; the
other day we mentioned 'passable', looking at these, with the right
assistance, you will be way beyond that."
"I..." I'm not sure what to say as I realize that this is the moment.
She just smiles and glancing between the pictures and me, continues,
"Seeing these, I know, beyond any doubt, I have my companion and
protector sitting right here in front of me."
She then focuses on me, "Now if she will say yes, we can get on with
what I believe will be the best moments yet to come of our two lives."
I take a deep breath, and reply....
Upon my response to her, she looks at me and taking my hands, says,
"Come on, Chris. Now, it is the time we both put it behind us, so we
can go on to so many even better things."
She then stands, pulling me up, and leads me into my bedroom, looking at
me with that smile and asking, "No kicking yourself?"
I quietly respond as I offer no resistance, smiling back and saying, "No
kicking," as we enter the bedroom.
And sometime later, we move in tandem, to the other bedroom and continue
our, at first tentative, but eventually intense and fulfilling
explorations.
End Part 1
To Be Continued
Angelica
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