Operation Rescue - The New Co-Ed; Chapters 11-12 free porn video

Operation Rescue: The New Co-Ed Chapter 11 - Blue [email protected] A young man gets in trouble and loses his scholarship. It looks like his dream of college to escape a poor future is doomed - until he sees an ad recruiting 'surrogates'. Tommi has to deal with postpartum depression, no friends around, and summer school class load. Thanks to Ellie Dauber and Brenda Hamilton for their generous help in editing and ensuring storyline consistency. Any errors that remain are solely my own. ********************************************************************** For no apparent reason, Tommi felt a tear slowly seep from one eye and dribble down her cheek. She absently wiped at the stray drops, then gave up and leaned against the back of the chair, her head tilted to one side and her eyes mostly closed. She was lost in her own world, oblivious to the students around her. "Tommi?" The familiar voice came from across the table. Slowly, Tommi opened her eyes and straightened her head. "Oh, hi, Julie," she replied after recognizing her mentor. Tommi wondered to herself why she hadn't noticed Julie sitting down at the table. Julie noticed the tears glistening on Tommi's cheek. "Are you okay?" she asked cautiously. Tommi nodded mutely. Despite the gesture, her eyes betrayed that she wasn't okay, and that something was bothering her. "You're having a rough time, aren't you?" Julie cut right to the heart of the question. Tommi gazed at Julie for a few moments, her expression blank, then she lowered her head. Slowly, she nodded. "Yeah," she answered softly as she wiped her cheek again. Julie put her hand on Tommi's. "I know it's tough," she said quietly, her voice full of sympathy. "I've been there, remember?" Tommi shook her head. "I _shouldn't_ feel like this!" she insisted. "I'm really a guy! I shouldn't be getting all teary-eyed thinking about a baby!" Julie smiled. "It was a baby you carried for all those months, that you nurtured in your womb, and that you delivered into the world. It's only natural that you felt some emotional attachment, and now that you've given birth, that you feel some sense of loss." Tommi sniffled and wiped her eyes again. It was a losing battle to try to stay ahead of the tears. "But it was so ... uncomfortable. The morning sickness, the constant kicking and the pressure on my bladder, the pain of the delivery. It doesn't make sense!" "No, it doesn't," Julie agreed. "But your hormones are going crazy right now, adjusting back to normal after your pregnancy, and that adds to your emotions." "I never thought I'd say this, but sometimes, I miss carrying the baby." Julie nodded. "Rachel gave me a message." "Oh?" Tommi stiffened at Rachel's name. "She's enrolled you in the postpartum support group. It meets twice a week starting this evening." Tommi stared at her for a moment, fighting conflicting emotions at the 'order' from Rachel. "How long does it last - feeling depressed, I mean?" Julie shrugged. "It varies. My first one was really bad. So bad that I couldn't wait to do another pregnancy." "You're kidding!" "Nope." Tommi thought for a moment. "Right now, I guess I kind of understand that feeling." Julie smiled. "But you'll get over it. Focusing on your classes will help distract you." Tommi shook her head sadly. "I'm not sure about that. Right now, I don't feel like doing much of anything but crying uncontrollably sometimes." ********** The rhythmic swish of the machine was almost hypnotic, but not so much so that Tommi didn't hear the door open as her summer roommate, Ashley, returned from classes. "Hey, Tommi," Ashley called out before she noticed what Tommi was doing. "Oh, sorry. I'll ..." Tommi shook her head as she spoke. "Nah, it's okay. I'm almost done, anyway." Ashley dropped her backpack on her bed, still staring at Tommi, who sat on her bed, propped against the wall, nude from the waist up. Against her breasts, she held two cups, each with a small bottle attached, and with a vacuum lines running from the cups down to the main part of the breast pump humming away on the floor. "You're out of class early today," Tommi observed casually, as if her pumping her breasts was nothing out of the ordinary. Ashley realized that she was staring. "Uh, yeah. The teaching assistant had an emergency." She tried to turn away from blatantly gawking at Tommi's breast pump, but she was held too fast by curiosity at the sight. Tommi smiled at Ashley's plight. It was the first time she'd felt like smiling in days. "If you're going to stare, why don't you sit down so you're at least more comfortable. It's your room, too." Ashley sat down on her own bed, still intrigued. "Sorry. It's just that, well ..." "You've never seen anyone using a breast pump before," Tommi finished her thought. "I've never seen anyone _lactate_ before!" Ashley added quickly. "Except in films in my high-school sex-ed classes, but never for real!" "And you're curious, right? Just like you have been with every step of my, um, process?" Tommi noted wryly. Ashley nodded, feeling her cheeks blush. "It's not ... um, I don't find it sexy or anything," she added quickly. "But, well, you know, someday I want to be a mother, and when I am, I want to nurse my own baby." Tommi felt a sudden lump in her throat. "I'd have never said this a year ago, but, sometimes, I wish I could be nursing _my_ baby." She dabbed at the sudden tears in the corners of her eyes. Ashley shook her head. "I didn't even know you were using a pump." "Well, I've been trying to be discrete. It's not like I want to make a spectacle of myself, you know. Even though I've been a girl for months, and I'm living surrounded by girls, it still seems, well, weird!" "I thought they were smaller," Ashley said as she continued to gaze and the pump. "They come in all sizes. Single hand pumps, portable single electric pumps, double electric pumps, all the way up to this baby. this one is a hospital-size double electric pump. Not exactly portable, so I have to run back to the room to pump, but it's supposed to be the most efficient and best at mimicking a baby's sucking," Tommi explained. "That's supposed to keep the milk flow going well." Ashley looked at the collection bottles attached to the cups. They already contained a good quantity of Tommi's breast milk, and were filling more, as milk dribbled in with each suck of the pump. "What's it like? Is it like when a guy, you know, sucks on your breasts?" Tommi looked at the bottles, then at Ashley, and shrugged. "I don't really have experience with that," she observed dryly. Ashley blushed again. "Oh, yeah. Sorry." "I take it you have?" Ashley's blush deepened to crimson as she dropped her gaze. Her actions gave Tommi all the answer she needed. "You little minx!" Tommi accused playfully. "It's not like ... he didn't ...." Ashley sputtered defensively, embarrassed by the inadvertent revelation. "I never let him past second base!" Tommi laughed. "It's okay. I promise I won't tell." She glanced at the bottles again. Satisfied that her breasts felt empty, she reached down and switched off the pump. "Now comes the fun part," Tommi said sarcastically. "After I put the milk away, I have to sanitize the collection cups and bottles." "I didn't know you could do that in the program! Did the mother ask you?" There was a flash of emotion across Tommi's features, betraying for only the briefest moment Tommi's distress about the question, but her expression vanished almost as quickly as it had appeared. Tommi shook her head. "It's a long story." Ashley missed the cue as she settled back on her bed. "I've got time." Tommi sighed. Maybe telling Ashley the story would help her with her conflicted feelings about the baby and the postpartum blues. "I didn't know about it, either. The day after I delivered ..." Tommi felt her voice choking as she recalled the immediate post-delivery emotions, "my milk came in. Well, it was colostrum at first." "What was that like?" Tommi tried to laugh but failed. "Scared the hell out of me! My breasts were full and tender. No, [I guess - she would know If anyone would] they were downright sore! Then this yellowish-brown liquid started coming out, and it wouldn't stop!" Ashley's eyes were wide with curiosity. "One of the nurses, Beth, came in and told me what was happening. She said it was natural, and that if I just let things be, in a couple of days the tenderness would pass and I'd quit producing milk." "Oh." Tommi shook her head, a sad smile on her face. "I tried, but it wasn't easy. I mean, you know how big these things are!" she exclaimed as she cupped her bare breasts. "And it seemed like they were into hyper-milk- factory mode! Within a few hours, they were swollen and very sore! I couldn't stand it!" "So they gave you a pump instead?" Tommi shook her head. "When I complained, after leaking all over my gown and bed and everything, Dr. Tina and Rachel came by to talk to me. They said I basically had two options. First, I could put up with the pain until my body stopped making milk. Second, I could pump to relieve the pressure, but if I did, my body would keep making milk - in fact, it might make _more_ than it would have otherwise! I asked if I could give my milk to my baby!" "What did they say?" There was the flash of pained expression again, a bit longer. Tommi winced. "Rachel got _really_ pissed when I called it _my baby_! She made it very clear that it was _not_ my baby, and that I had no say in any matter whatsoever related to the baby." Tommi's eyes were watering again as she recounted Rachel's severe dressing-down, and her voice sounded angry. "Oh! Then how ..." Tommi closed her eyes for a moment. "Rachel stomped out, pretty mad. After she left, Dr. Tina explained that I could continue to pump and donate my milk to a milk bank. I asked if I could ask the new mother if she'd like it. That's when Dr. Tina got pissed, too, and told me that I would _never_ have direct contact with either the parents or the baby. She said that Rachel could ask, and, if necessary, make arrangements so my milk would be delivered to the new family." Her eyes misted, and then tears trickled down her cheeks, a fact to which she seemed oblivious. "But I'll never know where my milk is going." "That sounds kind of harsh!" Ashley observed cautiously. Tommi shook her head again, her eyes sad. "I understand the logic," she explained slowly, her voice heavy. "The new mother could be afraid that I'd interfere with her bonding with her new baby." She felt herself tensing from unpleasant memories, so Tommi closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "It'd just complicate things. The girl might, someday, look for me and turn her back on her mother." She wiped her tears again. "Damn," she swore softly, "I can't seem to control my tears these days." Ashley tried to smile, hoping to lighten Tommi's mood. "I've noticed." "They warned me that I would probably get postpartum depression. I didn't expect to be crying all the time, for no reason." She wiped her tears, and then turned her attention back to the milk bottles. One at a time, she unscrewed each collection bottles from its cup and carefully poured the milk into a larger storage bottle. She capped the storage bottle and stashed it in the mini-frig the clinic had given her for that purpose. "So _that's_ what that is!" Ashley exclaimed. "Good thing I didn't try to drink it!" Tommi giggled. "That would have been a surprise!" She lifted a form from the frig and recorded some information. "Almost five ounces this time." "It looks like a lot," Ashley commented softly. Tommi set the paper down and sighed. "If I keep pumping regularly, Dr. Tina says I could be doing twenty to thirty ounces a day in a few weeks." "Won't it be hard to pump around your class schedule?" Ashley suddenly realized the complication for the rapidly-approaching fall semester. Tommi nodded. "It'd be a lot easier if the pump was portable. Besides, Rachel and Dr. Tina said I can't pump more than a couple of months, anyway. Apparently, producing milk interferes with hormones enough that pregnancy is difficult, and I _am_ scheduled for another transfer about mid-semester." "Yeah, I remember that from biology class," Ashley recalled. Tommi shook her head. "I slept through some of the topics that didn't affect me - like lactating and female hormones." "Guess you should have paid attention anyway!" Ashley joked. "Yeah." Tommi began to disassemble her pump to clean it. "So, what happened? Did the mother take your milk?" Tommi shrugged. "Don't know. I don't think Rachel would tell me - _if_ I ever asked her. I don't even know if it's one of their clients. It might be going to some hospital's milk bank." She hitched up her bra, slipped in a couple of nursing pads, then pulled on her shirt. She saw Ashley's curious expression at the nursing pads and laughed. "And these are _not_ to make me look bigger! I'm already too big for my liking. But I didn't listen to Dr. Tina, and I had a let-down in one class and started leaking all over! The pads aren't an option." Ashley laughed. "I better get to my homework." Still, her gaze was fixed on the breast pump. Tommi smiled. "You're curious, aren't you?" A blush was her roommate's response, "Tell you what - I'll wash up the cups and bottles, and then if you want, you can see what it feels like." Ashley looked down, embarrassed. "Yeah, I'm curious, and I _would_ like to see what it's like." She glanced up at Tommi. "That sounds weird, doesn't it?" Tommi smiled. "Not really. I bet even a lot of _guys_ wonder what it feels like to pump." She paused, looking thoughtful. "And I wonder how many guys wonder what it's like to nurse." ********** "Miss Wilson?" Tommi started, a bit confused, and tried to focus on her surroundings. She was sitting on one side of the classroom, about halfway to the back of the room. She was trying to be unnoticed since she was so far behind in her reading; clearly, she'd failed on this occasion. "Miss Wilson, can you please answer the question?" Tommi looked quickly at the professor, and then at the whiteboard. "Uh, I'm sorry, but I was a bit ... distracted." "That much is obvious, Miss Wilson," the professor said derisively. "Please stay after class for a moment. I want to talk to you." He turned back toward the bulk of the class. "Anyone else?" Tommi felt her cheeks burning as other students' hands shot up to volunteer an answer. Some of the students shot her a scornful glance. For Tommi, the day's class couldn't end soon enough - which meant that time slowed to a crawl and the remaining fifteen minutes seemed to take an eternity. Finally, the bell sounded, and the other students gathered their things and scooted out the door. Tommi shoved her notebook into her backpack and stepped slowly toward the professor. "Um, you wanted to talk to me, Dr. King?" The professor, a tall, older gentleman with a hawkish nose and a rim of dark hair around his bald pate, looked down at Tommi. Tommi felt a bit unnerved looking up at Dr. King. She couldn't tell if his expression was one of contempt or arrogant superiority. Clearly, though, he was unhappy by her inattentiveness. "I've noticed that you're having some problems concentrating in class," Dr. King observed dryly. "Your last two quiz grades and your last test grade have slipped significantly from earlier in the term, and your current level of class participation is lacking." "I know," Tommi admitted sheepishly, looking down from his piercing gaze. "It's been kind of hard to concentrate." "I would imagine so, after having to leave class to deliver a baby," Dr. King noted sarcastically. "I suppose that next, you'll tell me that you're distracted because you're away from your newborn?" Tommi felt the tears start. "No," she stammered, wiping at her eyes. "I ... the baby was given for adoption." Despite her best efforts at controlling her emotions, tears began pouring from her eyes. "Oh," Dr. King said, his voice suddenly less harsh. "I see." Tommi noted an instant change in his attitude. "The baby was a Morris- Henderson baby. I carried it to term for a girl who ... couldn't." "Well, I can see how that might leave you distracted emotionally. Still, your grades _are_ slipping, and you do need to focus more in class." "Yes, sir," Tommi acknowledged. "I'll try." "You might see if you can get help with one of the other students. Perhaps Ms. Ericson? After all, she _did_ help you get to the hospital." "Uh, I don't think so," Tommi winced. "She wasn't too happy with my pregnancy being a Morris-Henderson baby. I don't think we quite see eye-to-eye politically." The professor frowned. "Well, if I were you, I'd find someone to help you, even if the two of you don't agree politically. She _is_ one of the better students in class." Tommi gulped. "I'll think about it." "Do that. But don't think too long. We've another test coming up next week." "Yes, sir." Tommi turned and rushed out of the class. She had to go back to her room to pump; her breasts were getting painfully full. And she had an appointment at the clinic's gym. If the routine for exercise and diet was rigid _before_ the baby, it was positively tyrannical after. Tommi was feeling more than a trifle resentful toward the demanding diet and exercise regimen. She still hadn't gotten over the sharp tongue-lashing she'd gotten from Rachel over the donated milk; in fact, Tommi was very deliberately avoiding just about _everyone_ at the clinic, and especially Rachel. ********* The older woman, Linda Ericson, closed her notebook and leaned back in her chair. "I'd say you're ready for the test." "Thanks. I really appreciate your help." Tommi closed her own book. Linda smiled broadly. "It's part of my job." Tommi let herself chuckle lightly. "That's during the year, when you've got a class in front of you. This is different. You're not the teacher here." "We're all teachers some of the time, whether we know it or not," Linda observed. "So you moonlight as a philosopher, too?" Linda laughed. Then she got a thoughtful expression. "Can you answer a question for me?" "Shoot." "Why did you do it? Carry someone else's baby, I mean?" Tommi stiffened. "I thought we agreed we wouldn't talk about that," she said cautiously. "You can't blame me for being curious," Linda replied. She picked up her coffee cup and took a sip. "You don't fit the stereotype." "What stereotype?" Tommi asked cautiously. Linda smiled. "The stereotypical Bible-thumping rabid right-wing right- to-lifer." "Thanks." "So why? Are you solidly pro-life? Are you religious? Or is it just a job?" Tommi shook her head. "I don't think I fit any one of those categories." She looked over Linda's shoulder, staring into space as thoughts swirled around in her head. "It's a little of everything, I guess. Mostly, it fit my beliefs and my need to pay for college." "Ah, so it _is_ the money!" Linda seemed pleased that she'd found what she considered a right-wing motive. Tommi shook her head. "Yes and no." She sighed. "It's not just a job. There's something ... special ... about life. When I was growing up, I attended too many funerals," her voice started to choke, and she looked away as she wiped the gathering moistness from her eyes, "Funerals of classmate's dads who died too young." She felt her voice cracking. "And of my Dad." Linda put her hand on Tommi's. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ..." Tommi paused as she fought the emotions that had been stirred by the memory - especially of her _own_ dad. After a few seconds, she shook her head. "I guess that's why I think life is special. I learned enough in biology to know that every fetus is unique and distinct, and that no one has the knowledge to recreate one that's gone." "I see." Linda seemed cool to Tommi's arguments. "Do you support a woman's right to choose what happens with her body?" Tommi smiled, knowing the trap in Linda's question. "First of all," she began, "if you knew my whole story, I doubt you'd ask that question. Second, let me ask _you_ a question." Linda was a bit puzzled. "Fair enough." "You're pro-choice, right?" Linda's bewilderment increased. "Yes." "So why is it that the only _choice_ that many pro-choice people support is for a woman to have an abortion?" "That's not fair," Linda replied curtly. "Maybe some people think like that, but most people I know don't. Abortion is ..." Tommi smiled as she cut Linda off. "Look, I'd prefer we stop this discussion here, before we start an argument." Linda's expression changed to one of relief. She'd come to the same conclusion as Tommi - further discussion _would_ lead to an argument. She knew she wasn't willing to accept Tommi's position, and that Tommi wouldn't agree with hers. "Sounds like a good plan." "Besides," Tommi said, her voice suddenly strained, "I've been in too many ... unpleasant ... discussions lately." ********** Ashley cautiously opened the door a crack and peeked into the dorm room she shared with Tommi. Since interrupting Tommi's milk pumping the other day, she'd tried to respect Tommi's privacy. She sighed with relief; Tommi was lying on her bed, apparently napping. Ashley eased the door open and quietly strode in. She quietly set her backpack on her bed and sat down with a heavy sigh. It had been an arduous day of classes. Ashley started when she heard a soft sobbing sound from Tommi's bed. She turned toward the noise, and was startled to realize that Tommi was awake, lying face-down on her pillow, crying softly. "Are you okay?" Tommi acted as if she hadn't heard. Ashley moved over and sat on the edge of Tommi's bed, her hand reaching down to Tommi's cheek. "Tommi, are you okay?" Still sobbing, Tommi shook her head almost imperceptibly. "Can you tell me what's wrong? Do you hurt? Should I call a doctor?" Ashley was very concerned that Tommi wasn't answering. "No," Tommi insisted in a surprisingly firm tone. "No doctor." "What's wrong?" Tommi shook her head. "I don't know!" she sobbed. "I can't stop crying!" Not knowing what else to do, Ashley lifted Tommi's head onto her lap. As Tommi continued to sob, Ashley gently stroked Tommi's forehead. "It'll be okay," she cooed over and over, even as she felt Tommi's tears soaking through her skirt and dampening her leg. "I don't know what's wrong with me!" Tommi cried. Ashley sighed to herself. She really wished that Tommi would go to the clinic. She _knew_ what Rachel would be able to help. But Tommi was adamant that she didn't need any help from the clinic. "From what I've been taught," Ashley said soothingly, "postpartum depression is normal." "This isn't normal," Tommi said through tears. "I feel like ... I'm not important. I feel like I've lost everything!" "You _are_ important," Ashley reassured Tommi. "I feel all alone. Like there's no-one who cares!" "Hush! I know that Katie cares about you - like a sister. And I'm here for you, too." "Yeah, I guess." "And all the folks at the clinic..." "No, they don't care!" Tommi bawled aloud as her tears resumed. "They said they did, but they really don't care about me! Just about using my womb for someone else's baby!" The ferocity in Tommi's voice was shocking. Ashley started at Tommi's outburst. "Maybe I should call Katie. Talking to her always cheers you up. Or Sara..." "No!" Tommi insisted. "Don't call them. I don't need them feeling sorry for me!" Ashley didn't know what to do. "Tommi, you need to talk to _someone_!" She sighed aloud. "I had an uncle who suffered from severe depression. You're starting to remind me of him - and that's scary!" Ashley deliberately omitted the fact that her uncle had committed suicide. Tommi didn't need any such ideas. "Maybe," Tommi admitted. "I'll think about it." "No, that's not enough. I want you to promise me you'll find someone to talk to." "K," Tommi mumbled. "How about Julie, your mentor?" Ashley suggested. "She seemed pretty helpful. I know she left some messages for you to call her, and I suspect you never called her back." "She - he - had surgery to turn back a few days ago." "Oh!" Ashley was surprised by that fact. "How about one of the support groups at the clinic?" Tommi sat up, staring at Ashley, her eyes filled with anger. "Don't you get it? They used me, and then they treated me like crap! They don't care about me!" "Tommi, you've got to do _something_! You blew the last test in your history class, and dropped your grade by at least one letter! If you blow the last test, you'll flunk the course!" Ashley knew she had to get through to Tommi - somehow. "And you're not doing any better in your other classes." "IDFM!" Tommi replied without enthusiasm. When she saw the confused expression on Ashley's face, she clarified, "It doesn't fucking matter," Tommi dropped her gaze and let her head hang. "Nothing matters." Ashley knew she was going to have to do something, even if Tommi didn't approve. She wondered if Tommi would ever forgive her for the phone calls she was going to make. ********** (to be continued) Operation Rescue: The New Co-Ed Chapter 12 - Crisis [email protected] A young man gets in trouble and loses his scholarship. It looks like his dream of college to escape a poor future is doomed - until he sees an ad recruiting 'surrogates'. Tommi's postpartum depression deepens, and her relations with the staff at the clinic reach a crisis state that requires some outside intervention. ********************************************************************** After a boring class, Tommi walked wearily into the clinic. She glanced around the reception area nervously, then walked over to the desk. Tommi noted with some relief that Suzie wasn't working. Whether she was taking some personal time off or out on some errand, Tommi didn't care. Suzie was very close to Rachel, and Tommi felt the same bitterness toward the both of them. "Oh, hi, Tommi," the other receptionist, a young girl named Claudia, called in a cheery voice. "Nice to see you today." "Yeah," Tommi answered, trying to sound nonchalant, but coming off instead as brusque. "I see you have another milk drop off?" Claudia ignored Tommi's mood. "Yeah. And I'm supposed to go to the gym." "Okay," Claudia said cheerfully as she took the cooler with the breast milk from Tommi. "You know where it is." "Yeah." "Shall I let Rachel know you're here?" "No! That's okay." Tommi's quick response sounded defensive, even nervous at the suggestion that she meet with Rachel. "No need to bother her." "Okay." Claudia's answer was more guarded, her voice a little less casual. Tommi walked nervously down the hall toward the gym; she was almost terrified that she would bump into Rachel, or Suzie, or Dr. Tina. She wasn't sure she trusted any of them, not after the spiteful invective Rachel had hurled at her, and she'd done it to Tommi only a couple of hours after a difficult delivery! Tommi fumed as she walked. She was a client. What the hell gave Rachel the right to speak to her that way? Who did she think she was, the Almighty? Lure in a young man in a financial bind, turn him into a girl, treat her so nice and sweet, and then, once the hook is set, drop the charade and show her real colors - a mean nasty witch more interested in the end product than in Tommi. Getting changed into a girl, carrying a baby, giving birth - it had all been incredibly tough. Now it was a nightmare. And Tommi had to go through with the second pregnancy to fulfill her contract with 'queen bitch' and her minions. By the time Tommi got to the gym, her face was flushed from her anger, and her mood was black as coal. Tommi changed in the locker room and stomped into the exercise area. Fortunately, she noted, there were no other clients present, only the staff trainer. She had her run of all the exercise equipment. She decided to warm up on the elliptical. The rhythmic motion of the elliptical did nothing to calm Tommi. Instead, it seemed to heighten her agitation, as if each step was a stomp on something that was bothering her. She was really making sure her steps had energy and force behind them. "You're getting a little exuberant with the elliptical, aren't you?" The voice came from beside her, cheery and very familiar. Tommi stopped, scowling, took two deep breaths with her eyes closed, and turned to the newcomer. "I'm supposed to make my exercise count," Tommi answered evenly. "I haven't seen you for a while," Suzie replied cheerfully. "Been busy with school," Tommi answered gruffly. "Yeah, that'll keep you busy. But we miss seeing your smiling face around here." Her voice hadn't lost the chipper edge. "All you have time for is to drop off some milk or hit the gym. You never stop to talk to anybody." "Whatever," Tommi snorted. "If you want this, I'm moving." Tommi abruptly turned from her machine and moved to the weight station. She moved the weights from their 'normal' settings to significantly heavier than she was supposed to be lifting. Still, it wouldn't matter - Tommi was really a boy, and she could handle this. Suzie watched Tommi from a distance. She'd seen other patients get into the mental state that Tommi was in, and Suzie knew that Tommi needed observation. Postpartum was a tricky time, especially for former men. They weren't used to feeling so emotional from the rapidly changing female hormones to start with, and the sense of bonding and loss with the childbirth really put former men on an emotional roller-coaster. Suzie pretended to do some light exercises so she could watch Tommi. She knew that Tommi was going to do something stupid; Tommi was too angry not to. _And_ Suzie knew something had happened in post-delivery between Tommi and Rachel and Dr. Tina. She didn't know what, but it was only _too_ obvious that something occurred that was really bothering Tommi - and Rachel, too. It happened at the leg lift. Suzie could see that Tommi was trying more weight than she should, but Tommi, her face contorted in anger and full of grim determination, pushed forward. On the third lift, Tommi's left knee gave out with a sickening pop that could be heard across the room. Suzie and the staff trainer were at Tommi's side in seconds. "I'm okay," Tommi insisted, almost snarling, though her face was suddenly white, and she had to talk through clenched teeth. "I'm okay." The trainer looked at Suzie, who was shaking her head, then back at Tommi. "Sit still and don't move." Tommi moved to stand up, but as soon as she put weight on her left leg, she crumpled, crying out in pain as she fell back into the chair. "Stay still," Suzie strongly suggested. "I'll go get one of the doctors." She scurried out of the gym, leaving Tommi alone with the trainer. "What's going on?" the trainer asked bluntly. "You were trying to lift about four times the max in your routine. You know better than that!" "Oh, shut up!" Tommi snarled. "You all run around here, telling me what I can and can't do, what I have to eat, what I can't eat. You tell me what I should feel, and how to help myself be happy. Well, I'm NOT VERY DAMNED HAPPY!" Tommi shouted. "Why don't you all leave me the hell alone?" The trainer backed off a few feet. This was more a job for doctor and psychologist, not for a physical trainer. She knew help would arrive in moments. Better to shut up and let the patient calm down. Rachel came into the gym in a run, followed closely by Suzie. "Tommi," Rachel said softly, "what happened?" "I screwed up," Tommi yelled, her voice showing her pain. "What do you care?" "Of course, I care. I've been worried about you. You haven't been by to see me in a while." Tommi scowled deeply. "Gee, I wonder why. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the last time we talked, you practically tore my fuckin' head off?" Rachel flinched at the accusation. "I guess I was a little harsh with you." "No shit!" Tommi sneered. "You call what you said a _little_ harsh?" "And now you've injured yourself. What were you trying to prove? That you could lift iron like the man you used to be? That you were tough enough that our 'girly things' didn't get through to you? Were you trying to prove that you were still really a man?" Rachel seemed to be lashing out, perhaps trying shock therapy to get through Tommi's anger. It didn't work. All it did was make Tommi more agitated. "Fuck off!" Tommi snarled. "Just leave me the fuck alone!" She rolled to her side and slowly stood. With a triumphant look to demonstrate that she didn't need them, Tommi turned to walk from the gym. She made a half step. As soon as she put weight on her left leg, her knee buckled again, pitching her unceremoniously to the floor. She landed with a thud, as a heavy "Ooof" burst from her mouth. As she lay, her face contorted in pain, Tommi cursed over and over. "I don't belong in this damned place! Everyone is so fucking mean to me! No one gave a damn about me!" On and on, she spewed her vitriolic, toxic, hateful words. Dr. Tina slipped up beside Rachel, out of Tommi's immediate line of sight, and as Tommi continued to rant, giving vent to her emotional frustration and verbalizing her current physical pain, Dr. Tina slipped a needle into Tommi's arm. Tommi turned toward Dr. Tina, her eyes ablaze with hatred. "What the fuck?" she snarled, even as she winced at the pain from her injured leg. She tried to twist away from Dr. Tina, but the pain overwhelmed her, and she nearly passed out. In moments, Tommi was asleep from the sedative Dr. Tina had given her. A gurney was brought, and the ladies carefully hoisted Tommi onto it. Rachel, Suzie, and Dr. Tina walked the unconscious woman down the hall toward the exam rooms. "Get an X-ray of her left knee, stat!" Dr. Tina ordered the nurses that sprang into view. The team nodded and wheeled Tommi into the X-ray room, leaving Rachel, Dr. Tina, and Suzie standing in the hall. "She's been avoiding me," Rachel said, breaking an awkward silence. "I had no idea this was coming." "Well, if you'd have lit into me like you did to her, I'd be avoiding you, too!" Dr. Tina rebutted sternly. "You really went over the top with her when she asked about donating her milk to the baby." "She knows the rules. We went over them many times. She should have known better," Rachel countered defensively. "_He's_ a very frightened, gender-confused boy in a girl's body, dealing with emotions that are tough enough for a born female delivering her own baby. Put yourself in his shoes. All the bonding and attachment, all the crying and odd cravings, the feelings of a baby inside you, and then, poof, it's gone and you'll never see it again. That's hard enough for a real woman. Imagine how _he_ feels!" Dr. Tina was brutally frank in her evaluation of Rachel's little outburst to Tommi. "And what was that outburst in the gym about?" Rachel glanced at Suzie for confirmation. Suzie nodded. "I wasn't there, but it sounds like you were pretty harsh." She shook her head. "I wondered why she'd been avoiding the office. And your ... comments in the gym weren't very friendly, either." Dr. Tina sighed. "Would _you_ trust someone who'd been sweet and caring and then suddenly half tore your head off - and in answer to what Tommi thought was an innocent question?" Rachel swallowed hard, then glanced at Suzie and Dr. Tina. Their silent nods confirmed that in their opinions, she _had_ been over the line - both times. "So what are you saying? That Tommi doesn't trust me now?" Dr. Tina shook her head sadly. "She probably doesn't trust _any_ of us much. But you," she looked directly at Rachel, "least of all." Suzie nodded her agreement. "She's been avoiding me, too. I'd guess that she thinks we all turned against her." Rachel slumped back against the wall, sighing heavily. "Well, I really screwed this one up, didn't I?" She sighed again, closing her eyes and lowering her head, which was shaking slowly from side to side. "How could I have screwed up so badly? How am I supposed to win back her trust?" Dr. Tina sighed heavily. "You better face the fact that you may _never_ be able to completely win back her trust." Rachel looked up at Dr. Tina and stared for a few moments before dropping her gaze again. "Great! Just great!" ********** "You'll be careful, right?" Dr. Tina pleaded with Tommi as she hobbled toward the clinic entrance. It appeared, from the X-ray and the initial examinations that Tommi had avoided serious damage; she had a very bad knee sprain, but nothing seemed to have been torn. Tommi nodded. "I can't do much on these!" She waved one of her crutches a couple of inches in front of her to demonstrate her new limitation. "Well, be a good girl. You're scheduled for an MRI first thing in the morning. And I want to see you back here in two days for another checkup, unless the MRI turns up something we didn't catch." "Fine," Tommi snorted. "I'll see if I can work it into my busy schedule." Dr. Tina sighed heavily and closed her eyes for a moment. She looked up at Tommi and stepped to her side. "Tommi, we aren't your enemy. We really _do_ care about you. We all know what you're going through, and we're here to help you; honest." Tommi listened, then snorted, "Well, you all have a funny way of showing it! Especially _her_!" "I know you're hurting inside, and you probably feel like we've betrayed you. But you have to believe that we are your friends." "Whatever. Can I go now?" Dr. Tina sighed. "Not quite. I've been wanting to talk to you about your lactation." "Mooo." Tommi responded angrily. "Tommi, please! I'm a doctor. I _thought_ I was your friend, too." Tommi sighed. "Okay. I'll try to be civil." She took a couple of slow, deep breaths to help calm herself and fight back some of her anger. It helped - a little. "I'm pumping five times a day. I'm averaging around four ounces at each pumping." The anger was mostly gone from her voice. Mostly. There was still an edge to her tone, though. "That's good. Any unusual pain? Any unusual discharge from your nipples?" "Nope." "Good." "Uh, Dr. Tina?" Tommi's emotional barrier came down just a little. "Yes, Tommi?" Tina's heart leapt with hope that Tommi had initiated a question, and not in a sarcastic or angry tone. "Uh, how will I, um, stop them? You know, when it's time? How do I stop the milk?" "Ah," Dr. Tina tried to put on her most pleasant demeanor. "When a mother stops nursing - or pumping - as frequently, the milk production will slow. When she stops completely, the production will cease." "Just like that?" "Um, no," Dr. Tina answered hesitantly. "There'd be a period of time when you aren't removing your milk, but your body is still producing it. It can take a few days for the milk production to shut off." Tommi wrinkled her nose. "You're saying that my boobs are going to feel full and sore, and that I won't be able to do anything about it." Dr. Tina nodded. "That's about it. You could pump a little less time each time, you know, like you're trying to slow down production, but that kind of defeats the purpose of trying to stop, and you would still be slightly uncomfortable, only over a longer time." "Great!" Tommi muttered to herself. "Swollen sore boobs that want to leak until they decide to quit. Whose crazy idea was this, anyway?" Dr. Tina smiled. "Actually, it was your idea. Once you knew that your breasts were full and sore and leaking, you practically demanded a pump to empty them, to relieve the discomfort. You kept insisting even after we told you what that would entail." Tommi dropped her gaze, remembering the days in the clinic after the baby had been born. Dr. Tina was correct. Tommi had been most insistent that she pump to keep her breasts from feeling swollen and sore, despite the advice of Dr. Tina and the staff. Bitter memories were stirred by the recollections. Tommi had hoped that she'd be able to donate her milk directly to the baby she'd carried, but after the outburst from Rachel, Tommi was afraid to pursue the matter further. After Rachel had left, Dr. Tina had told Tommi that she could donate to their milk bank, and that the staff would inquire as to whether the adoptive mother wanted milk from the bank. Tommi's milk might go to the baby she'd carried, or it might go to another baby, but Tommi would never know. Dr. Tina noticed that Tommi had tensed again from their discussion. She surmised, correctly, that Tommi was still sensitive about the unpleasantness with Rachel. For a few seconds, she pondered whether she should bring it up. She decided against it, figuring that if she mentioned Rachel's outburst, Tommi might take it as more evidence that she was all backing Rachel. Tommi might decide that she had no friends at the clinic. She'd made a start at rebuilding trust with Tommi. She didn't dare do or say anything that would undermine what little progress she'd made. "Anyway, that's a bridge we'll cross when we get to it, which should be no earlier than mid-September." "Okay. But I can stop before then if I want to, right?" Tommi asked. Dr. Tina nodded. "Of course. But I'd like you to think of the baby that's benefitting from your milk. A lot of doctors consider mothers' milk to be vastly superior to formula. You _are_ doing a lot of good donating milk - as long as you can+,+ and you _want to_ continue." Tommi nodded. "Well, if we're done, then I'll just hobble back to my dorm and get back to my studying." Dr. Tina nodded. "We're done - for now." ********** "You did _what_?" The voice on the speakerphone sounded incredulous. "Katie, please don't yell at me," Tommi implored. Ashley was in class, and for some reason, Katie had called her out of the blue. "Sorry, but it sounds like your life is going to hell without your big sister to keep you out of trouble," Katie observed. "You _know_ you don't have the strength you used to!" Tommi winced. "It's not that bad. The MRI didn't show any damage beyond a simple sprain." "It's still bad enough that you're on crutches!" Katie retorted. "Only for another week," Tommi defended herself. "Look, sis," Katie decided to take another tack, "just try to be more careful! I don't want my roommate - and my little sister - crippled next semester!" Tommi sighed. "Okay, I'll be more careful. Besides, it's not like I'm getting to the gym as often as I was last spring." There was a hesitation on the other end; after an awkward silence, Katie spoke up again. "Yeah, I heard about that. Did something else happen?" Tommi's expression clouded. "Are they trying to get you to spy on me again?" Her voice was tinged with suspicion and anger. "Is that why you called?" "Tommi, I'm not going to lie to you. I never have, remember?" Katie's statement didn't help calm Tommi's suspicion. "Rachel didn't call." "Yeah, I bet she didn't!" "She didn't." Tommi's eyes were narrow slits. "Who called, then? Suzie? Dr. Tina? Ashley?" Katie's sigh was easily audible through the phone. "It doesn't matter. What _does_ matter is that someone cared enough about you _and_ your depression that they called me so I could talk to you. It sounds like you _really_ needed someone to talk to." Tommi was truly surprised by _that_ news. "Rachel didn't call?" "No. And I found out - through my spies - that everyone at the clinic is hurt by how you've shut them out." Tommi felt herself tensing. "Did your spy tell you that Rachel practically tore my head off right after the delivery? And she did it again in the gym? Did she tell you _those_ parts?" "Yup." "Oh." Katie continued. "The part _you_ don't know is that Rachel is thinking of resigning." "What?" Tommi was incredulous at Katie's revelation. "How do you know?" "Not important. Apparently, some of the staff let Rachel know - pretty directly from what I gather - that she was _way_ out of line with you." "Yes, she was!" Tommi said acidly. "Yeah, well, the discussion was _after_ you had your little temper- tantrum and hurt yourself. Now, apparently, Rachel is blaming herself, and feels like she's failed as a director and counselor for the clinic." Tommi's jaw hung agape. "But ... no one ever told me!" "Maybe that's because you never gave them a chance!" Katie scolded. "From what I gather, you've been avoiding the clinic except when absolutely necessary, and then only scurrying in, doing what you need to, and scampering out as quickly as you could. And while you're in there, you've been giving everyone the cold shoulder and not talking to anyone." Tommi felt on the defensive. "Would _you_ feel like hanging out there after what _she_ did?" "No, I guess not," Katie admitted. "I just _can't_!" Tommi complained. "Not after ..." "Listen," Katie interrupted, her voice firm, "I'm going to tell you this 'sister to sister'. You need to knock off the self-pity and haul your ass down to the clinic. You and Rachel and the staff need to get straightened out on where you all stand. You've got a contract for another baby. How's that going to happen if you won't talk to anyone at the clinic." "But ..." "But nothing! If Rachel knows she was wrong, how the hell do you expect her to apologize when you won't even talk to her?" Tommi realized she was fighting a losing battle. Katie's arguments were - as usual - logical and hard to refute. "But ... how am I supposed to do that? She said some things that were _very_ hurtful!" "One of the two of you needs to make the first move. I nominate you." "But..." Katie wouldn't hear of any objections. "If you don't go meet with Rachel in the next two days, I'm going to take off work, drive down there, personally carry you into Rachel's office, and handcuff you to a chair until the two of you get this settled! Or I'll call Mom, and have her come straighten you out!" "You're bluffing." Katie's voice was solemn and unreadable. "Try me." ********** Tommi padded softly toward Suzie's desk, a small cooler slung over her shoulder. Though her knee still hurt, she'd decided to walk without her crutches. There was something about being on crutches that made her feel weak and vulnerable - more so than usual - and for what she was about to do, she knew she couldn't think of herself as weak and vulnerable. The cane she was using gave her much more of a sense of control, even while it gave her knee some extra support. She could also wave the cane around like a sword if she needed. Suzie didn't see Tommi approaching. She was working on her computer, with her back to the clinic entrance. "Uh, hi," Tommi said softly and hesitantly. Suzie turned from her computer, already putting on her patient-greeting smile. "Sorry, I was busy and ... hi Tommi!" Her cheerful patient- greeting demeanor changed to unmasked joy as she recognized her customer. "Is ... Dr. McKnight ... in?" It was still hard for Tommi to say Rachel's name. She was fighting all her conflicting emotions just to come to this meeting. "Yes, she's in," Suzie answered. She had looked sad when Tommi asked for Rachel by her formal name. "Can you please tell her that ..." Tommi's emotions choked off her words; she fought to control her anger. "Can you tell her that I need to talk to her?" Suzie nodded. "She's in a meeting right now," Suzie explained, "but..." "Oh." Tommi felt her heart sink. It had taken her a long time to get the courage to face Rachel, and now she was unavailable. Tommi didn't know if she'd be able to go through with psyching herself up for another try. "But she left orders that if you needed to see her, she was to be told _immediately_," Suzie finished quickly. "I'll let her know you're here." Tommi started at her words. Rachel wanted to be interrupted, no matter what, if Tommi came by? Did this mean that Tommi was in trouble? Tommi was so wrapped up in pondering the possible hidden meanings that she didn't notice that Suzie had pressed two additional buttons before she made the call on the intercom. "Okay, let's go," Suzie prompted as she stood. "Huh?" "Let's go back. She's on her way to her office," Suzie explained. As they stepped back to the office suites, another girl stepped past Suzie toward the reception desk. "Thanks, Claudia. I don't know how long this will be." "No problem," the other girl answered. Suzie missed the turn to Rachel's office and kept going straight. "Uh, didn't we ...?" Tommi started to ask. "Nope," Suzie answered. "Break room." She turned into another room, a small former office that had been outfitted with a sofa and matching chairs, coffee pot, microwave, and refrigerator. Suzie gestured to the sofa for Tommi to sit. "Coffee? Juice?" Tommi's head swam. This didn't fit the template of what she'd expected. "Grapefruit juice if you've got it." Suzie poured two cups of coffee, handed a bottle of juice to Tommi, and got herself a bottle of water. "What ...?" Tommi started to ask. "Don't know," Suzie answered curtly before taking a sip of her water. "I'm as much in the dark as you are." The sound of the door opening startled Tommi. She honestly didn't know _what_ to expect. She _certainly_ didn't expect Dr. Tina to enter, still in her scrubs. Tina went straight for the coffee. She took a long lingering sip, then sighed. "This has been one of the busiest days of the past two years!" she exclaimed softly. She sank into one of the fat chairs, practically purring as she luxuriated in the soft padding, and took another sip of coffee. "You know, if you'd have called two minutes later, I'd have been in the O.R." Then Dr. Tina looked at Tommi. "Say, aren't you supposed to be on your crutches for another week?" Tommi squirmed. "Four more days," she replied defensively. "But today is the first time I've been out without them. In fact," she continued quickly, "I left them in the car. They're pretty uncomfortable to walk with." She saw the start of a disapproving look on the doctor's face. "Besides, I'm wearing the knee brace and using a cane." Dr. Tina sighed. "Okay, okay. You know what you can handle." A slight grin crept on her face. "But I think I'll add an extra three sessions of PT to your rehab. Consider it penance." Tommi nodded slowly. "I guess that's fair." The opening of the door interrupted the chit-chat. Tommi felt herself tensing as Rachel walked in, closing the door gently behind herself. Rachel looked haggard. Tommi guessed that she was under a good amount of stress, and that she was showing every bit of it. Normally, Rachel's hair was very stylishly done, and her makeup impeccable. Her choice of clothing was always professional but cheerfully colorful and feminine. Today, however, it appeared that Rachel hadn't spent more than ten minutes on her hair and makeup combined, and her suit was quite plain and drab. Her normal jewelry was absent. Her eyes looked almost lifeless. "Hi, Tommi," Rachel began tentatively. "Dr. McKnight," Tommi acknowledged her tone cautious and emotionless. Rachel winced; they'd been on a first-name basis, past the formality. Now, the formality was back. The formality hurt her, almost visibly. "I'm glad you came by." "I was ... persuaded," Tommi replied stiffly. "Katie threatened me if I didn't." "Katie...?" Rachel asked, confused. "I thought she was home for the summer." She slowly crossed to the sofa and sat down. Even the simple act of sitting seemed agonizing to Rachel. Tommi nodded. "She was. Someone," she shot a suspicious glance at Suzie and Dr. Tina, "told her what was going on, and she called me." Both of the other ladies seemed surprised as well. Tommi briefly considered whether one of them was merely a good actress. "Well, I'm glad somebody called," Rachel replied. "I need to start by saying that I'm very sorry. I was reminded - pretty frankly," she glanced at Suzie and Dr. Tina, "that I was out of line." Tommi nodded mutely. She wasn't quite sure how she should react. Rachel continued. "I wish I could take my words back." She sounded weak, defeated, and very humble. "I can't, though." She sighed, and seemed to be fighting back tears. "You said a few things to me the day you sprained your knee," she continued softly. "Some things that were pretty blunt and accusatory and ... spiteful." Tommi stiffened, starting to feel defensive. Rachel noticed Tommi's reaction and shook her head slowly. "I want you to know that I don't feel like you owe me an apology. I had it coming, and more." Tommi relaxed a bit. She stared into her half-empty bottle of grapefruit juice, wondering what to say, if anything. Rachel continued. "I owe you an explanation. You've never heard this before." She glanced around the room. "None of you have." Tommi's head jerked up, her eyes wide with surprise. She glanced at Dr. Tina and Suzie, who were equally surprised. Tommi looked back to Rachel. "I was adopted as a baby," Rachel began. "Like a lot of adoptive kids, as I got older, I began to wonder about my birth parents. One summer when I was nineteen, I left home and went to look for my birth mother." Her voice was surprisingly emotionless. "My real mom let me go. Because of the open records laws, I found my birth mother." Rachel closed her eyes as her mind replayed images recorded in her memory long ago. When she reopened her eyes, she continued. "I _wanted_ to make some kind of connection, to find out something about her. I guess I wanted to feel like she'd really cared about me, giving me for adoption instead of aborting me." She shook her head sadly. "I couldn't connect. She was resentful, even hateful toward me. She told me to get out of her life and never come back." Rachel sighed. "I went home, and I never told my mom what had happened." Tommi started to say something, but Rachel's glance told her that she had more to tell. "A few years later, my mom was killed in a car accident. As I was going through her things, I found her diary." Rachel wiped at the tears that had suddenly appeared. "I'd never quite grasped how much joy I'd brought to her, nor how deeply I hurt her when I ran off to find my birth mom." She bit her trembling lower lip. "I'd never realized that, and I never got a chance to apologize to her for hurting her." She dabbed at her eyes again. "The day you delivered, the day before I snapped at you, was the tenth anniversary of mom's death. I guess what you said reminded me of my own unresolved guilt." Tommi sat, silently, as she listened to the story. Dr. Tina and Suzie, likewise, sat without saying anything. "I let my own grief get in the way of the needs of my client," Rachel added as she wiped more tears, "and my friend. I'm sorry." "I didn't know..." Tommi began softly. Rachel shook her head. "Nobody knew," she answered. Tommi glanced around, and from the stunned expressions on Suzie's and Dr. Tina's faces, realized the truth - even they hadn't known. She saw Suzie meet her eyes, and give a tiny, almost imperceptible head-nod toward Rachel. Tommi stood, and Rachel's eyes widened in obvious fear that Tommi was going to walk out. But Tommi crossed over to her chair, then held out her hand. Not quite sure of Tommi's reaction, Rachel took Tommi's hand and, when she lifted slightly, stood. Tommi wrapped her arms around Rachel in a tentative embrace. "I didn't know," she said again. "I'm sorry I added to your pain," she said simply. Rachel wrapped her arms tightly around Tommi. "I'm so sorry," she said as she put her head on Tommi's shoulder, crying. "So _very_ sorry." She couldn't think of anything else to say. "You're lucky I still think partly like a guy," Tommi said with a smile that seemed out of place. "Oh? Why's that?" Rachel was confused. "From my experience, guys have a lot easier time with the 'forgive and forget' thing than girls do. Have you ever seen two guys fighting like they want to kill each other? Ten minutes later, they're buying each other beer and joking like nothing ever happened. I've seen girls hold a grudge forever." Tommi bit her lower lip as she thought of how to phrase what she needed to say. "What I'm trying to say is, I think I understand, and I want you to know I'm not one to hold a grudge." Rachel hugged Tommi more tightly. "Thank you." After a few moments, Tommi dropped her arms. "Now what?" Rachel stared at her for a moment, then laughed as she sat back down. "I wish I knew who called Katie. Mind you, I'm glad they did!" she added quickly. Tommi retrieved the unclaimed cup of coffee and offered it to Rachel. It seemed like the least she could do. "Thanks," Rachel said as she took the cup. As Tommi walked back to her chair, Suzie gave Tommi's hand a squeeze. Tommi looked down and saw that Suzie's eyes were also misty. "I've got a question," Tommi asked as she sat down. "Okay," Rachel answered. "Are you going to resign?" A pin dropping would have sounded earth-shatteringly loud. Dr. Tina's and Suzie's jaws dropped, as did Rachel's. "Who ... where did you ... how did you ...?" Rachel stammered. "One of Katie's spies told her that you were going to resign because you felt like you failed me," Tommi answered. "And she told me. She was trying to guilt me into coming in." "Well, I'm glad it worked," Rachel said hesitantly. "Well?" Rachel glanced at Dr. Tina and Suzie. "I ... I've been thinking about it." She looked down, embarrassed. "My conduct was completely unprofessional. If a counselor that reported to me had done what I did, I'd probably have to let her go." She shook her head sadly. "I ... wrote a letter of resignation." Tears formed in Tommi's eyes. "It's my fault, too, isn't it?" Her head dropped, from both sorrow and guilt. "If I hadn't been so stubborn. If I had talked to you sooner." She wiped at the tears in her eyes as she looked up at Rachel, her eyes reflecting how distraught she suddenly felt. "I can't do another baby without you!" Rachel sighed. "It's more than that. It's my professional behavior. It's my conduct," she said. Tommi interrupted, "You can't leave! You've helped so many people here! You helped me get through my pregnancy! You helped me find a way to get tuition for my sister+,+ Sara! People _need_ you! _I_ need you!" Rachel saw the concerned expressions on her colleagues' faces. "I said I wrote it. I didn't say I sent it ... yet." Tommi looked up at Rachel, her eyes widening in surprise. "So you _are_ going to stay?" Tommi asked uncertainly. Rachel sighed. "It's not that simple. I've got a lot of thinking to do. I realize that I've got some long-forgotten issues that might get in the way of helping my clients," she answered. "And I have to figure out how to keep that from happening." She took another sip of coffee and abruptly stood. "In the meantime, Tommi, I think you and I need to go to my office to talk. I've noticed that you're having a really rough time with postpartum. We need to talk about how emotional swings are normal after a pregnancy, and see how we can help you with that." ********** (to be continued)