Men Jokes free porn video

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One day God called Adam to him and said: "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"The good news," replied Adam.
"Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
"OK.." said Adam warily. "And what's the bad news?"
"I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."

Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
Because the bastards always pull out with no thought of who else might be coming.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How can you tell if a man is really well hung?
When you can just slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What do men and tights have in common?
They're both apt to cling, run, and never fit properly between your legs.

What is the real difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Why do men like smart, sexy women?
Opposites attract.

Why is psychoanalysis so much quicker for men than for women?
Men don't need to be regressed back to their c***dhood.

Why are well-dressed men always married?
Because their wife chooses their clothes for them.

What do you call a man with only half a brain?
Gifted.

Why are men such wankers?
Because they have a willy with a head but no brains that hangs out with two nuts and lives next door to an arsehole.

What do a beer bottles and men have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

Why can women never find their way to a man's heart?
Because they aim too high.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why don't women talk during foreplay?
They don't have enough time.

Why does it take three million sperm to fertilize one single egg?
Because they're too stupid to ask for directions.

How does a man show a woman that he is planning for the future?
He buys ten cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and premium bonds?
Premium bonds might mature.

Why are most jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
No one knows because it's never been done.

Why is it so difficult for women to pick up men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They're all gay

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night.
A widow.

Why do married women weigh more than single women?
Single women come home and see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, take one look at what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How do you get a man to go down on a woman?
Put the TV remote between her legs.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

A man once asked God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God answered: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man asked, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God replied: "So she would love you."

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Carmen Ch 01 A New Start

As she finished unpacking the last of the cardboard boxes, Carmen examined her new apartment. It was much smaller than she was used to, having just left the cluttered luxury of the place Matt and her had slowly turned into their home over 5 years. The idea of exploring a life of total independence seemed scary at first, but now Carmen felt a strong urge to get out into the world again. Carmen looked at herself in the stand-up mirror. Her wavy brown hair had become quite long, falling down her...

2 years ago
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Carmen 1 A New Beginning

As she finished unpacking the last of the cardboard boxes, Carmen examined her new apartment. It was much smaller than she was used to, having just left the cluttered luxury of the place Matt and her had slowly turned into their home over five years. The idea of exploring a life of total independence seemed scary at first, but now Carmen felt a strong urge to get out into the world again. Carmen looked at herself in the stand-up mirror. Her wavy brown hair had become quite long, falling down...

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3 years ago
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Carmens Breeding

Ever since her wedding night suck and fuck with Melvin, a black man I had gotten for her as a surprise, Carmen had now and then mentioned that she would like to have another black man for sex and one time even mentioned that she'd even might like to have a black baby just for the experience. I knew she wouldn't give up her desire for black cock so when I heard that a fellow employee of mine's wife wasn't able to carry a c***d, I thought perhaps Carmen might jump at the chance to have a black...

1 year ago
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Carmen me and Brian

Sandy had left early and while Carmen and I were still naked and I had plenty of time before I needed to leave for work, I decided I wanted one more turn with Carmen. Coming up behind her as she was getting ready to make breakfast, I slid my arms around her and took hold of her tits and began to squeeze then, softly at first, then more roughly. "You want my cock whore?" I asked her softly By now I had her moaning as I continued to caress her tits and arching her head back towards me, "Oh yes...

2 years ago
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Carmen Chapter 3 Carmen and Charles Continued

Carmen turned to her laptop and logged onto Facebook. She had no trouble finding Charles, and was startled to discover that he had over ten thousand followers. When she examined his profile, Carmen was taken aback to discover that Charles had developed an even bigger following of pretty women than he had in college. In fact he was one of the more eligible bachelors in North America. Charles had made something of his talents, Carmen had thought to herself. She had always assumed that after...

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1 year ago
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Carmen Valentina 30 438000

Carmen Valentina is your classic sexy college coed who wants to skip class and fuck all day long. She is a petite five-foot brunette with an innocent face and tight body. Carmen doesn't see herself as a big-time porn star. Instead, she sees herself as the girl you wish lived next door who likes to fuck and be watched. That sounds like the perfect neighbor to me.Vegas is Porn Star FertilizerAs with many porn stars, Carmen was raised in the bright lights of Las Vegas. So if you're the father of a...

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2 years ago
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Carmen Can Not Keep Secrets From Her StepMom And Teacher

"Come on, Carmen," she said, quietly walking into my room. "Your dad is still asleep, let's sneak into the shower, let your step-mommy clean you.""Hey, you're naked," I whined as she closed the gap."Newsflash, so are you, and we had sex Saturday night, so we've seen each other's bodies, Carmen. Let's just shower together before you head off to school. Your dad's alarm doesn't go off for another half hour.""This is my bedroom, and I'm too tired to argue how risky that...

Taboo
3 years ago
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Carmen and Corky

Carmen and I had decided to go out for a nightcap at a local bar and after a while Carmen was feeling quite mellow when she suddenly stiffened up and stared wide eyed at one of the other patrons in the bar. I looked over to where she was staring and saw a rather average looking man and then back at Carmen, "Someone you know?" I asked her. She came out of her trance and looked at me, "That's my old boyfriend Corky" she said as she nodded over at him "We used to date after my divorce from Warren"...

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