Zen And The Art Of Self-Defense Chapter 6 free porn video

Chapter 6 - Strangling Drop The story so far - Chrissy is now for all intents and purposes living as a woman fulltime and is on HRT. Her mother is in the hospital, and Chrissy is planning to have some initial surgical procedures and decides that visiting with her mother would be good for both to recuperate and for her to come out to her family. Aaron is still being a bit of a jerk; Chrissy has been dating Sammy as a dancing partner, becoming intimate with Jillian, and has practically cut her ties to Avery's gym. But more challenges await her as she makes her way through transition, both back in her home town and in her adopted home of Los Angeles. And right now, Jillian wants to get away from the bright lights for a while and has asked to accompany Chrissy back to Ohio "Uh...I'm.not..." I stumble as I try to think of a good reply. Jillian tries again, "I promise I won't be a problem, I just need some time away from here, a little break. Let me come with you. Please?" She is quite adamant and in some ways almost pleading. I don't think I've ever seen this in her before. I look at her in amazement, "Jillian," and I take a breath, "I'd love to have you come with me, but you have to understand, we don't have maid service, you know, nor a corporate chef, cleaning service, or drivers on call and no secretary/business manager like Elizabeth. It's not like here at all. It's not that I don't want you to come, I'm just...I'm just not sure you'll be comfortable, or even like it." She looks back at me with her smile, "I'll be with you - I'll like it," exhaling and continuing, "Yes, I understand all that. I do have a cell phone and can still be in contact with Elizabeth several times a day. You do have cell phone service?" I shake my head, "Yes, and at night we all gather 'round the radio and listen to Barn Dance under the one dim bulb we can afford, before we climb into bed with the dogs, a few pigs, and some chickens." "Be nice. So, would it be all right if I came?" "....Yes," I say looking at her tenderly as any resolve I might have disappears in her gaze at me. "Let me call my mother and my brother and ask. If they agree, you can come. She's still in recovery, so I'll call her later this afternoon, as my brother said that will probably work, and then my brother." How can I refuse her? I don't think she fully understands what life is like in the rest of the country, but at the same time I think I understand a little what she's looking for. As I'm trying to work around this problem, my phone rings again. The caller ID says it's. Dr. Sanjay. "Hello, this is Chrissy Fielding...oh, hi, Dr. Sanjay. Is everything okay?" "Oh!...Oh, no!...Is that serious?....I see...And you're sure there's no immediate problem? Oh, good, I'm glad, but, well, that does change a lot of things, doesn't it?" "Yes, I'm open to anything right now....Hmmm, well, that could work...so, would that. And after that, we can discuss what to do next. I see.....yes....I understand. Okay, I'll plan on those two, and then we'll see what the future may hold...yes, I'll be there at your office tomorrow afternoon, same time. That will help. Thank you. Good-bye." Well, they say bad news comes in threes, and I'm two for two, right now. I hope nothing else goes bad. When I see Jillian an hour or so from now, I will tell her the change in plans. For now, though I reflect on where I've been. It has certainly been an interesting time since I started working for Jillian as I think back to that day of the interview and that first night with Jillian. Three weeks later I finished my last teaching class at Avery's. That was followed by going out to dinner dressed and meeting Sammy after which I pretty much started full time living as a young woman, except for the more and more infrequent times I stopped in at Avery's to work out, where I was pretty much appearing unisexual or, I suppose, androgynous. More than two months later even that had mostly come to an end as Jillian and I talked about possible surgeries and I started voice training. And all the time I'd been having hair removal, and taking the hormones regularly. And then starting this longer term relationship with Jillian and going with her to the movie set. And now it's been almost four more months. About seven months being here as well as on HRT. Where does the time go, I wonder? I'm not much of one to dwell on photos of the past, but I do have a picture from just before I met Jillian, and I had Thad take one of me the other day, and looking at both of them on the computer, I can see definite changes, almost significant ones. I've had some breast growth, so they are becoming more than noticeable...and tender. I do know that most of my female relatives and ancestors have and had somewhat sizeable breasts and I can see me having the same, especially if I have that breast surgery. I can also see changes to other parts of my body such as my face, and my figure, especially my hips. Working out has helped both in keeping me fit and trim but also in showing off a redefinition of my body lines. And it has been a real chore to keep up my strength as those hormones seem to rage through my body. Of course, one of the bigger changes is in my hair length. While six months or so without a cut back would give me about three more inches, even with styling that would at best be a short shag or extended pixie cut. I have been wearing very expensive wigs that look so much more real than any I used to have, but about a month ago, Jillian urged me to get hair extensions which I have done, so now my hair is below shoulder length and for all intents and purposes, mine. It's just one more visible change to deal with in going home to reconnect with my family. I have noticed that I'm more susceptible to greater mood swings, with it being a chore to keep my emotions in check when dealing with Jillian and in dealing with Aaron. But I manage. But the biggest emotional moment came when I realized that my last time having intimate relations as a male with a female came on that first night together with Jillian. I wonder if she knew what was happening when we moved from the one bedroom to the other. I certainly didn't realize it then, but that was the moment, wasn't it, when my transitioning actually started. I catch up with Jillian a little later and taking a breath, say, "Dr. Sanjay called and in reviewing my blood work before the surgery, going over it, there's some kind of problem, so they have to put off any surgery for a while." I can see the change in her face which tells a lot more than she says, "Oh, Chrissy, I'm so sorry. Is it bad?" I sigh quietly, "No, I don't believe it's bad, according to the doctor. We're going to talk about it tomorrow instead, and then when I get back from my mother's, we'll continue to work on fixing it, and then, look into what we can do." I can see she's rather deeply disappointed, as she gives me a hug, in which I can feel her concern and makes me feel a little better. "But there is news, maybe not so bad," I say as we break apart. "Oh? What's that?" "We're going to talk about switching the operations back to the way before, so I may be having the breast augmentation surgery instead, and another one." "Oh? Well, that might work out all right, is it still tomorrow?" "No, that's what we're going to talk about tomorrow, but it will be soon." "I understand, I guess. If there's anything I can do." "Thanks, maybe us getting away is a good thing right now." Jillian remains concerned but I now have to call my mother and see how things are going with her and make sure I can come with Jillian accompanying me. "Hi, Mom, it's me, Chris...sss," I catch myself just in time. "Yes, it's nice to hear your voice, too. I'm sorry I haven't been calling or writing as often as I should. I get busy, but that's no excuse, I know." "You're too nice to me, but thank you, and I promise I'll be better." "Yes, Jim called and told me that you're in the hospital. How are you feeling?" "Oh, I can understand. So, you'll be going home tomorrow?" "I was wondering. Would it be all right if I came in for a visit? Probably for about two weeks." "This Wednesday at the earliest. And yes, I've talked to Jim and I offered to come in and help out. He's been really good seeing to you, but he shouldn't have to do it alone." "No, absolutely no problem at all. I'm sort of looking forward to it." "Mom, I have to tell you something, but I don't want you to ask any questions right now. I'll explain it all when I get there. Okay?. Promise?...Good!" I sigh and say, "I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow about some upcoming surgery. Nothing life threatening or anything, just something that I've needed for a while. I'll explain everything when I get there....You promised, no questions. I need some time to get myself ready for it, and I'd rather spend it there at home." "Yes, I'll be there Wednesday, that's the soonest, and for two weeks if that's okay with you. "It is? Good, I guess we'll plan on it, but I'll have to see how things go, how I feel, how you are doing.......uh huh." She responds positively and sounds happy I will be coming home. After all, she is my mother. "Mom, I do have one huge favor....yes, I know you would, but please listen. I have a close friend who I'd like to bring along. Now I don't want to make things difficult or put anyone out....Yes, a very good friend, someone special to me, and who I work with....I know, we have asked you to move to a smaller place...yes, I wouldn't have asked if I didn't know we had the spare room...Thank you, I love you, Mom. I'll call and let you know when I'll be there. Thank you." With my brother it's a little harder to get an agreement for Jillian, but since Mom had said yes, he reluctantly goes along, saying, "I hope you know what you're doing, Chris. Mom needs rest, and not a lot of excitement right now." "I understand, Jim. I promise I'll do whatever it takes to make sure Mom has a great recovery." I can guess what he's getting at. He's imagining two Hollywood guys wanting to get out and see the sights and whatever. Is he in for a surprise as I, of course, don't mention at all who exactly I'm bringing. Nor that I have been having body hair removal, both laser and electrolysis, and have been going to a voice coach, and will have the beginnings of breasts, and other significant body changes like much longer hair. I can tell he is getting a little concerned about me, feeling something is going on. He'll find out soon enough, I suppose. I have the meeting with Dr. Sanjay on Monday, and we discuss my future, after I have another physical exam with more samples taken as well as body measurements. "Chrissy, first, I haven't found any serious issues with the results as we talked about on the phone. I'm going to give you a prescription and I believe that should resolve the problem." "Good, I'm glad to hear that." He explains the problem he found, which I listen to although it doesn't mean much to me. He has a solution and it sounds reasonable, and as he finishes I ask, "So, what can be done next?" "There is something I'm going to want you to do for me. Besides my consent, I'm going to want you to talk to a therapist I know. There will probably be several sessions but I don't see a problem. Although I could recommend you by myself, I'm thinking now we should follow the current standards a little more closely, so another professional opinion and agreement is usually prescribed. And since we have to put off your surgery until we're sure about everything, it shouldn't be a problem." "Okay, Dr. Sanjay, I'll do whatever you want. You know I just want this really badly." "I understand. You're responding quite well to the hormone therapy. I've been checking your measurements and there was a significant increase in your breast size for the first several months but it seems to have leveled off somewhat. If you would like, we can schedule breast surgery for about one to two months from now, and then your reassignment surgery about three months after that. Since all you need is one referral and I believe your breast growth is about at its maximum, that's what I'm recommending. How do you feel about it?" (note: see WPATH SOC Appendix C) "That sounds really good. Having that problem come up got me worried that everything was going to be delayed for a long time or may never happen. And the waiting can seem interminable at times, now I have something again to look forward to. Thank you." It turns out there is one small surgical procedure he offers to give me right now, in his office, to which I agree. As such, I'll still need a little recovery time as it turns out. On Wednesday Jillian and I fly first class to Chicago with a connecting flight to Toledo. Because of the time difference and direction, it's pretty much an all-day trip. I'm in androgynous mode, as I have not completed transitioning, although I have an updated drivers license and passport with reasonably current pictures, so I have no problem going through security and boarding. Jillian is in dress down mode, and little to no makeup so I wind up getting more attention than she does, as people look at me trying to decide exactly what I am. I have been wearing minimal makeup, and a lot of my hair is up under a baseball cap. I suspect most people make us out as two lesbians, as the attendants tend to call us 'ladies'. Before we go to the car rental, I let my hair down, putting the cap back on, put the strap of my bag over my shoulder and we duck into a women's restroom, where I take off my bra, wrap an ace bandage around my breasts, put on a loose tee-shirt, scrub my face clean, saying, "I'm going to gradually get back into girl mode later this week, but I don't want to startle my family right away. The hair will be problem enough." Jillian asks, as we pick up a Ford Escape, looking at the small SUV with a little sneer, "Um, why do you want this? We can certainly afford a Lexus or Acura or something much better." "Trust me on this, as soon as I come out to my mother, we'll be two young women, in a very mid-western small farming community, in the depths of rust belt America. A small SUV by an American company will hardly be noticed. And we'll be looking the part." She appears still a little irritated as we put our bags in the back. "Look, I seriously considered a Chevy truck, as that would have been practically invisible, so be happy with this." She laughs a little, "Okay, okay." We leave the bright lights of the west side of Toledo for the open farm land to the west driving to my home town which is just off the expressway some miles beyond. "I thought you lived in closer to the city," Jillian casually says. "We did, I grew up near the Jeep plant on the north side of Toledo, but we moved to west of the airport when I was in high school. The neighborhood we lived in had been getting worse, so my mother sold just before things really slumped, and we moved to out here, just like lots of people. Problem was, lots of problems moved right along with everyone." Jillian looks at endless acres of corn and soybean fields and asks, "I can't believe how flat the land is here. And these cornfields! I hope there isn't anything in them like all those horror movies make it out to be." I laugh a little, "No, just endless fields and that's an even worse nightmare to some. When Halloween comes around, before the final harvesting, sometimes farmers cut mazes into them and then it can get a little interesting." "How about crop circles? Any reports of UFO's?" "Not that I can recall, I'm guessing most the guys who actually cut those crop circles aren't particularly fond of Toledo. Like that song by that folk singer, John Denver, where he spent a week here, one night. But remember, this is my home city so I get to bad mouth it, you can only say nice things." "I'll try to remember that. Is there anything else interesting around here besides the corn fields?" "Well, I think some almost important battle was fought near here a couple of hundred years ago, like during the Revolution, but nobody cares that much. They still make Jeeps here. Oh, and the states of Michigan and Ohio almost went to war over this land, and I think we lost." "You did?" "Yes, we got stuck with it." I pause, and see a smirk on her face, and continue, "No, not really, actually it's rather nice in some ways, quiet, peaceful, a nice place to rest for a while." We parallel the expressway for a little while as Jillian asks, "Why didn't we take the freeway?" "Because out here, it's not free, it costs, it's not that far, and anyway I just like the drive along these country roads, especially on nice summer days and evenings." Night is slowly falling as Jillian looks out, "I can't believe how there are just little lights here and there, and I think I can see stars starting to appear up there." "Uh huh, on these clear nights it can be so beautiful, but there's my little town up ahead, you can tell by the small glow." I point it out in the distance. "I'd better call my Mom and tell her we'll be there in a few minutes." "Well I see some civilization over there by the, um, expressway, Golden Arches." After my mother answers the call with me telling her we'll be there shortly, I say to Jillian, "Have you ever been to a Waffle House to eat?" "Um, no, am I missing some gourmet delight?" I giggle, "Well, no, but certainly an American icon. We'll stop by the one back near Toledo some morning. You really have to have that experience." "I can't wait." "Oh, if anyone asks, you're Scarlet and Go Bucks." "I am? What does that mean?" "Remember I mentioned that almost war between the two states? Well, it's still going on, but now between the two major universities and their sports teams. People here are still split on their allegiance. Bucks are The Ohio State University." "Who's the other school?" "The school up north, the University of Michigan. They're Go Blue." "Hmm, I do like blue more than scarlet, but I can adapt. Did you go to either one?" "No, I went to a state school just south of here, Bowling Green, but only for a short time." "I think I've heard of that." "You're probably thinking of Bowling Green, Kentucky, there's been songs about that place." "Oh. This is really a small town, isn't it?" Jillian asks as we drive down the tree lined streets. "Yes, but things can get a little exciting. I'll show you Friday night," I reply as we pull up to a modified Georgian, wood frame, two story house with attached garage, a small yard, several shade trees, my home. There is a car in the driveway which I know is Jim's. I wonder if his wife, Laurie, and kids are here, too. "Here we are," I say as we pull in next to the other car. "What a cute little house. It's very close to what I imagined." We get out, each taking a suitcase and a shoulder bag, with the third suitcase still in the back, and go up to the door and I open it, saying, "Hello! Mom? Jim? We're here." Jillian says, "I've heard in small towns you don't lock your doors, I guess it's true." My mother and Jim come immediately from the living room to the front hall and greet us. With a huge smile to start with, my Mom says, "Hello, Chris, I'm so glad you could come, let me look at you. I can't believe it's been almost a year," she says as we give each other a hug. "Hey, Chris, how ya doin?" Jim asks as he reaches out to shake my hand. It's a firm handshake, but I can tell by his face that he's a little confused in seeing me, not sure what to make of me and it's increasing as he looks me over, except looking at Jillian, it I can see it makes it even more confusing. And my mother is starting to echo that confusion. "Hi, Mom, yeah it's been a long time. Hey Jim. I'd like you both to meet my friend. This is Jill Thompson." We agreed that she would use an alias so she could stay private. "Jill, this my mother, and brother, Jim." "Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Fielding. You have a raised a wonderful person in Chris. Everyone where we work has nothing but praise for Chris' work ethic and friendliness. And thank you so much for welcoming me into your home," Jillian says as they hug. "I'm happy to meet you, Jill. Chris hasn't said much about his friends, but he must think highly of you to bring you home. I'm glad you could come." Jillian smiles and continues as they shake hands, "And Jim, Chris has had nothing but good things to say about you and I can see he appreciates you a lot as an older brother." "Well, thank you, Jill. We think a lot of Chris, too. Jillian is just full of surprises as she continues, "Mrs. Fielding, I brought you a little gift for allowing me into your home. I hope you like it." She takes out of her bag a small white slightly gift wrapped box and gives it to my mother. "Oh, you didn't need to, but thank you," she opens it and discovers a Swarovski crystal butterfly with colored stained glass looking wings perched on a leaf. "Oh, my goodness, this is beautiful!" "Chris mentioned that you like butterflies, I thought this would be a nice addition to your house which is very nicely decorated." "Oh, my, thank you so much, it's gorgeous. And it's Swarovski, you say. I'll have to find the just right place for it. It should be seen by everyone." Seeing how happy our mother is, Jim chimes in, "Here, I'll take your suitcases up to your rooms. Chris, you're in your room and Jill is in the guest bedroom." I try to say, "You don't..." but Jillian interrupts. "That would be very sweet of you, Jim, thank you. I do have another bag in the car, if you could get that, too, I'd be very appreciative." "No problem. I'll be happy to. You three go in the living room and catch up." I am just amazed at how Jillian sort of took over, totally defused any possible situation, and really ingratiated herself into my family. She is certainly the consummate actress even if it's real. And I have no idea which at the moment. We go into the living where Mom catches me up on the latest gossip around town, store openings and closings, how our relatives are doing, and what she's been up to. Jim comes in for a moment after putting our bags away and says he has to get home, as he just wanted to make sure we arrived safely. I know he also wanted to check out my friend, but I can see even in drab mode, Jillian has impressed him and he can't seem to do enough. We both thank him again for helping out before he leaves. "So, that's all I know. Chris, tell me what you've been doing. Something with your martial arts?" Mom asks. I tell her about Avery's gym and my teaching, and that (having worked out the story with Jillian earlier) we two are working for a company that helps on movie productions, which is where we met, and that I'm sort of an advisor on martial arts for several movies, but I can't talk about them yet. Jillian fully supports the story saying how proficient I am and how everyone is learning so much. It seems to satisfy my mother. As it's getting late and we're both just a little travel weary and it being also late for Mom, we say goodnight. "Mom, what I mentioned on the phone when I called, we need to talk about it in the morning, first thing. Okay?" She looks a little relieved that she didn't have to pry as I brought it up, saying, "That will be fine dear. Now both beds have clean sheets and I put your towels and things out on each dresser. You'll have to share the main bathroom, but I'm sure you can work it out. I'm so glad you're home, Chris. And I'm glad you brought your friend. You seem like a very nice young lady, Jill." She heads upstairs and Jillian and I talk for a little while longer. "Thank you so much, Jillian, you made us arriving so much more pleasant than I feared. I'm telling her in the morning, and I'm sure she feels much better about me than she did before we arrived." "Oh, you're welcome, Chrissy. Your mom and brother are really nice people, like I've heard mid-westerners to be. I'm pretty tired, I'll keep my door open, but I may sleep the whole night. I can't believe how clean and clear the air is here." We go up to our rooms and give each other a quick kiss and hug good night. Jillian leans out of her room when I'm in the hall, and says, "The linens and this room smell so fresh and everything is so pretty in here, this is way much better than a lot of the high quality motels I've stayed at." I head into my room and it's pretty much the way I left it a year or so ago, but really clean, too. Some awards from my martial arts competitions, some college and high school memorabilia, things I've collected since I was young. Lots of memories. The next morning, I take a deep breath, pull back my hair in a loose ponytail with a scrunchie, slip on some women's slacks and a plain tee over panties and bra, a pair of low cut socks and light cross trainers. I also grab a small book to take with me. I feel so much more comfortable with myself than I did yesterday, trying not to look too feminine then, as I go downstairs. Jillian is already up and heading outside to do some jogging as we sometimes do together back in LA. "Want to come along?" "Thanks, but I can't, I've got to talk to my mother, you know, come out. It's now or...", I nod my head a little. She gives me a big smile and a hug, which I appreciate, "Good luck, sweetie. But, I know you'll do good. She's your mother and I can see the love she has for you. And I am a little jealous. Oh, and you are looking cute again! Bye!" She heads outside and I walk into the kitchen where my mother is cleaning up. "Good morning, Mom." She turns and glances at me for a second before replying, "Oh, good morning, Chris, did you sleep well?" I smile, "Yes, there's always something about the bed you grew up in, surrounded by moments and memories of good times from the past." "Well, that's good. Would you like some breakfast? You know, I like your friend, Jill. She's a very sharp young woman. And I can see that she cares a lot for you." "Yes she does, more than you may imagine. Mom, come on over here and sit down at the table with me. I have to tell you something, we need to talk." "Oh, is it about that medical problem you briefly mentioned? Is there some problem or something?" she asks as she sits down with me. "Yes, it's a little about that but it's more, much more. I'm not sick in any way, but I do have a problem that I finally realized that needs correction. And seeing a doctor is just the start of it." "Oh, are you seeing a doctor now? That's probably a good idea if he can help." "Um, you must have noticed some changes in my appearance, I'm sure Jim has, but, well, I know you think it impolite to bring them up. But I'm doing it now so we can talk about it. Like my hair," I sort of give my head a little shake. "Well, dear, yes, I have noticed. It is rather long, but now that you're living in California, I really don't know much of what's normal out there." "Um, not only is it long, but much longer than even growth in a year can do," I say as I bring the pony tail around onto my shoulder. "Oh, uh, is there some new hair product out? I've heard stories about Rogaine and what all." "No, Mom, these are from hair extensions that I had put in. But I'll be growing my hair out even longer." "I don't understand." "Um, this is hard," I say as I know I have to get it out, "but remember back when I was about 12 or 13 and you found me with some of your lingerie?" "Um, yes, I think so." "And thankfully you didn't tell Dad because he would have been really mad, but we had a long talk and you did ask me if I was gay, and you tried to tell me how difficult life is for gay people. Well, I know for certain I'm not gay. I wasn't gay back then. I didn't know what I was back then, but I know now I'm something else." I take a breath as I can see she is a little perplexed by what I'm saying, "Mom, I'm transgendered, and I know it for certain, I've known it since I was four or five before I even knew the term." "What does that mean, transgendered?" Here it comes, as I say, "It means that I know I should have been born a girl, and all my life I've know that inside I'm female but outside I'm male which I've also known was the wrong outside all that time." "Oh." "It also means that there have been times since you caught me that I've continued putting on women's clothing, more so after I left home. I did it because it felt right, and I was trying to align my outward appearance with what's inside. Poorly, of course, but I was trying. And now, I'm doing something about it. I've been seeing a doctor, and I'm on prescriptions to start the change. Things have already started changing, but I've helped it along with the hair up here, and I've reduced my facial hair. See? Practically no beard. And I'll be having the remaining surgeries in six months or so." "Is this what you want? Are you sure you can handle all this, that sounds like a lot," she asks as I can see that she is having a difficult time comprehending what I'm trying to say. "It is a lot, and yes, everything I'm doing, and have done, each thing, I'm feeling so much better about myself. I can't tell you how comfortable the things I'm wearing right now make me feel. Like finally, I'm getting my life right. Like my bra, and this tee, and yesterday I had to bind my breasts because, well, I didn't want to spring everything on you at once. "Chris, I don't....it is a lot. I...does your friend, Jill, know? I suppose she does." "Yes, we met before I made my decision and she has seen me as a male and now a female and she has been extremely supportive. And so have the people I'm working with. I'd still be hiding everything if it wasn't for her." "I'm still not sure what you're saying. I mean, you played baseball, you really liked martial arts and you made your father quite proud as you'd win awards and things." "Mom, that was only to cover up what I really felt. For some time, I was very ashamed, like maybe I was crazy or sick or something, like maybe my feelings were some kind of mental illness. But they're not, and as soon as I realized they weren't, well, I began to realize that I should start doing something about it. I tried so hard to be a boy for you and Dad. Like boys' sports, dating girls. I mean I liked and still like being with girls, but I really wanted to be friends with them, just do things, talk about things. I never could because everyone saw me as being a boy. And in reality, I had nothing to talk to other boys about, a lot of what they did, just didn't interest me. I'm not a male, and I'm not going back. I hope you understand, I hope you'll still love me as your child, who's now an adult, but who will always love you as being my Mom." "Chris, this is very difficult for me. It's going to take me some time to think about all this. I still love you, it's just that..." "It's all right, I'm still the same person I always was. Just slightly different outside." "I have to wonder if I did anything wrong." "No! You did nothing wrong, Mom. It happens, it's just the way we're made." "Well, I don't know if I should say this, but before you were born, we didn't get any kind of ultrasound and I didn't want to know what sex you'd be, but everyone looking at me, said it would be a girl, and I guess secretly I sort of would have liked a little girl. Your dad had Jim, and I could see a real bond there, we even had a name picked out, so when you were born, I wasn't disappointed because I had carried you for nine months and I loved that you were my child. But maybe...." "No, Mom, don't even think that. I know you've loved me. I've seen it and felt it. I'm still your offspring, it's just that I should have been your daughter, and now I am." "This is all so, so unexpected. It's going to take me some time to think about this." "I understand. Here, I brought a book you should read, it's for parents of transgendered people like me." "Thank you, Chris. Is that still your name?" "Yes, but I'm changing it to Christine, and keeping the Fielding of course." She looks at me with the start of some tearing, as she says quietly, "That was the name I had picked out for my daughter." I get up and come around to her and say, "Can I give you a hug?" "Yes, that's exactly what I want to do too." We hug as I say, "I'd love it if you'd accept me as the daughter you wanted. I'm just sorry it took so long to get me here." As we break apart, she says, "I still need some time to think about this, but you are my child, my offspring, and I will always love you." I say, "Okay, Mom," as she walks into the living room. I eat a little breakfast, toast, orange juice, I don't think I can handle anything more. Jillian comes back and I peek in on my mother, "Mom, I'm going to show Jill some of the town, I'll be back in an hour." We drive around and I show her the high school, the small town, the little strip mall out by the toll road. It's not much, but we talk about my family, her family a little, what we might do during the week. Finally, I head home. My mother meets us as we come in and says, "Chris, it's still going to take some time to get used to it, but I'd like to give my daughter a hug right now. Is that okay." I don't have to say anything as I hug her back with both of us in slight tears. Jillian excuses herself for a while. Later, we three sit down and Jillian and I tell her a little more about what we're doing, and the movie we working in, but in very general terms. Later that day, I give Jim a call, and ask him if I can come over to his place that evening, where I come out to him. Jim is both a little more shocked and yet, more understanding as he tells me he had suspected I was gay, but me bringing Jillian confused him, and me looking almost like a girl confused him even more. "Chris, it's going to take some time for me to understand all this. I do know about transsexuals and cross-dressers, and I know they're different than gay, but I'm not yet convinced it's genetic. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but I'm not sure I agree." "Here's a book that explains some things, you can read it if you like. You do know I'm still the same person I've always been, just a slightly different outside packaging." He laughs a little, "Yeah, but there are some major differences too. Let's keep talking about this. I'll read the book, because I'm open to all sides. I'm just going to need some more facts. Okay?" "Sure, as long as you aren't intolerant, I can live with that." I head back to our mother's house feeling a lot better. My family knows and they haven't disowned me, that's a lot better than some families I'm aware of. On Friday, we take my mother shopping to the big mall on the north side of Toledo, having lunch at the nearby Panera's. Jillian is not particularly impressed by the selections as she is used to more designer clothes. We also stop at TJ Maxx which she had never been to before, and she does find a pretty tank she buys. As evening approaches, I tell her where we're going. Over in the next town towards Toledo, there's this great little roadhouse, a dive really, where the drinks are stiff, the burgers thick, and music loud. Now we get dressed up, with Jillian in her redhead wig, and both of us in a little more make-up than we usually put on. We're wearing very slim jeans, boots (she's in 4", I'm in 3" heels), I'm got on a deep-V sequin banded bare shouldered top, and Jillian has a very form fitting black and red ruffle lace top. And of course, we have hoop earrings, necklaces and bracelets. My mother's eyes get wide as we come downstairs, "Oh my! Chrissy, don't you look so pretty, and you do to Jillian. Where are you two going tonight?" "I thought we'd try Strikers." Mom gets rather big eyed, "Strikers? Now please be careful, that's a very rough place. Are you sure you want to? Back in my day, nice girls didn't go there." "Mom, I've been there before, I know what it's like. We'll be just fine. And you know I can handle myself." "Well, just please be careful. And Chrissy, you do look just like I imagined my daughter would. And I am just as worried as I imagined, be safe you two, okay?" "We will, Mrs. Fielding, I've seen Chrissy in action, she can knows what to do." We're off as Jillian says, "I've been to a few roadhouses, your mother's right, they can be rough, but I think it could be fun, too." "Okay, but I know this place and probably some of the people. Just follow my lead, can you do that?" "Chrissy, I said I'd trust you in times like this and I will hold to that." We get there and walking in, although it's usually open seating, there is a little crowd, but one of the managers sees us and finds us a table very quickly. The crowd does look a little rough, sort of a cross between what might be bikers and a number of sizeable farm boys, now legally drinking. Outside is the smoking area and it's pretty full. We get a lot of attention as we're seated, with some comments made by some of the guys and stares by their girlfriends. Within minutes of our drinks arriving, two farm boys saunter over and the bigger asks, "You ladies look like you might like some company, mind if'n we join you?" I look up and recognize Jimmy Wilson and Colt Banner immediately. They are farm boys from a year behind me in school and they obviously don't recognize me. They gave me a little grief, but by then I had mastered enough different martial arts moves that they also kept their distance. I glance at Jillian who gives me a well, I guess look, and then look up at Jimmy and say, "I think we might be able to squeeze you two in, if you're well-mannered boys. You all be nice to use and I think we can have us a little fun tonight." "Well, all right!" he says and they pull up chairs, "Where are you two from, don't think I've seen either of you two before and I'd remember cute gals like you two." "We're in from California, I've got some relatives over in Holland; we heard about this place and thought we'd try it." They look at each other, figuring they've hit the jackpot, "I'm Jimmy and this is Colt." "Hi Jimmy, I'm Chrissy and my friend is Jill." Jimmy has pulled up his chair close to me, and Colt does the same on the other side of Jillian. "So, you two from around here? "I ask. "Yup, grew up just west of here." We talk a little more and then the band starts up, and Jimmy says, "You want to dance?" "I'd be delighted," I smile as we get out and head over to the dance floor. Colt and Jillian are right behind us. Jillian does pull me aside for a second voicing some concerns as she's a little worried as she thinks they also may be red-necked thugs but I know them too well. I can also see that she feels I'll be able to protect her no matter what, but I also understand local roadhouse protocol, and if I were to take these guys on, they'd try to get a gang together and show me what real roughhousing is and where a bitch's place is. After several numbers we go back to our table and saying we haven't eaten yet, we order a deluxe burger to split with fries. We talk with them and they tell us some huge whoppers of lies, but I don't let on that I know all about them. Actually I know a lot more than I'm saying right now, just listening to them brag. After we eat, we go back out and dance again. It's now getting on almost to 11 and after some more drinking, Jimmy slides out his chair and says, "Chrissy, how 'bout you slide over here so we can talk a little more privately what with this loud music and all." He pats his lap. I smile at him and say, "Now I don't know about that, you got to promise you'll behave or I'll have to ask you two to leave, and that'd stop the fun. You promise, Jimmy?" "Oh, I do! I promise!" he holds up his hand. "Now come over here, darlin'" I get on his lap and he tells me that he's fallen in love with me and will do whatever I say if I be his girlfriend. I continue playing up to him as I have my arm around his shoulder and his is around my waist. I can see Jillian is doing a great job keeping Colt's interest. We each started with a mixed drink but we have since switched to bottled beer, matching what the two guys are having. Finally, I decide that we've had enough fun, at which time I lean over and whisper some thoughts into Jimmy's ear. He gets a little wide eyed but just nods and then I say, "Come on, let's dance a little more." And we go back out on the floor for three or four more numbers after which I say that we two are sorry we have to leave to get back and Jimmy and Colt are very understanding and they pay our bill and see us safely out to the parking lot and both give us fully embraced kisses, and we leave. Jillian is a little quiet as we get into the SUV and drive out of the lot. Glancing in the rearview mirror, I can see that Jimmy and Colt are standing there looking a little forlorn, before they slowly return to the roadhouse, and I let out a small laugh. She looks at me and asks, "What exactly happened back there?" I play all innocent, "I'm not at all sure what you mean." "You know, I was a little worried that we might be spending the better part of tonight with those two." "Would you have wanted that? We can still go back and make two local farm boys very happy." She stares at me, and takes a breath, "No...that's all right. That Colt was a little interesting, sort of cute, in a way. Not a very good dancer, but his kisses were...um, intriguing. It's just that the way things were going, I was beginning to believe that we wouldn't be able to easily get away, and you might have to jump in there." "Jillian, remember when we were sitting with them after the first couple of dances and I was on Jimmy's lap?" "Uh huh, I saw that, I was wondering about you at that moment." "Yes, and I noticed that you and Colt got a little closer, too." She smiles and nods, "Yeah, that's when I was beginning to think that we would be heading out with them somewhere. Which wasn't what I really wanted." "Well, I happened to whisper in Jimmy's ear that I knew Rosie, his wife, quite well, and his little boy and girl, and his Mama, Hazel, as well as Colt's wife, Autumn, and I just didn't think that those super nice people would like to know what their loved ones were planning on doing. Why I just might run into them Sunday over at Faith Community Church, right after Hazel finishes teaching Sunday school, and we gals just might get to talkin' and who knows what might come up. Oh, but my friend and I think it'd be really great to continue having fun for a while, dance some more, but we'd have to leave eventually, and well, we'd be quite happy if they'd escort us safely to our car, maybe hang around for a while and even give us good-night kisses, but that would be it, and did he understand?" She looks at me and shakes her head, "Chrissy, you just always amaze me. I thought there was also a possibility we'd have to fight our way out of there, or you would." I glance over at her, "I know those boys, they were a class behind me, and I do know their wives. But I also understand that you don't get into any kind of fight with them, because they have their own code of honor, and a pushy girl, especially one who fights, is not treated gently. They would have tried to follow us, get a bunch of their friends together, and shown us what they think of pushy...bitches. I just didn't want to go there." "So they were able to live with what you told him?" "It was bringing in their loved ones and especially his mom, that did it. They just needed their male ego stroked. You know," she nods at that! And I continue, "Which is why we spent some extra time in the parking lot with them so they could go back and brag how they got us to give them, some, well, you know, and they'll have their precious little honor intact." She rolls her eyes and shakes her head in understanding and then stares out the window, "Chrissy, you just seem to know exactly how to handle potential problems. I'm so glad you're working for me." "It's one the many lessons that Master Wu taught me. He's the one I'd be thanking." Turning to look at me, "You said he's not around anymore?" "He isn't. It's like he left as suddenly and mysteriously as he had arrived. One day, it was around the time we moved, I went over to the dojo, the, um, storefront and it was closed up. We can go by there if you want some day this week, it's been a restaurant, one of those holiday party stores, and who knows what else since then, so there's nothing left of what it was." "That's all right, we don't have to, but I'd still like to meet him someday." I think about it as I say, "I never heard from him again. After he left, I did realize he had left little signs and hints, like he was giving me advice for my future, rather than just for self-defense or fighting." Jillian becomes very quiet for a moment as if she is lost in thought. I look over at her and say with a little smile, "What?" "Remember that first time we went to lunch and we were talking about ourselves and you said that your Master Wu had given you a little nickname of sorts?" "Uh huh, 'xiao hua'. What about it?" "And you thought it meant special project or something?" "Yes." "It means 'Little Flower'." As it sinks in, I turn my head quickly looking at her while trying to still steer without crashing into anything, "It does? How do you know?" "I dated a guy with Chinese ancestry and he used that once. He was referring to his ideal dream girl." "Oh," is about all I can say as now as I get lost in thought wondering about a whole lot of things. "Chrissy?" I sigh, "Yes?" "Right now you're my xiao hua." That night after my mother is fast asleep and the house is quiet, Jillian slips into my room and we have a very intense and intimate time together, where we explore old and new places bringing each of us to heightened moments of intense pleasure. I can only imagine about being a little flower. And how did Master Wu know....? On Saturday, we take my mother for a drive and she shows us some her old haunts, as well as some landmarks and places she knew. That evening we all dress up and go out to one of nice restaurants east of the airport for dinner. I'm wearing a ruched twist front sheath just barely on the shoulders with four inch heels and Jillian has her red wig on and is wearing a stretch velvet dress with a silvered slimming hour glass design on the front with five inch heels. And we both fully made up and accessorized. Mom's breath is taken away, "You two are so beautiful. Chrissy, it's hard remembering you've been anything but a girl and now young woman." On Sunday we take my mother and go to dinner at my brother's house. Laurie, his wife, with Jim having told her, is quite accepting of me immediately, but is more pleased that Jim is getting a break from having to take time caring for our mother during her convalescence. They are fun to be with, but I can still tell that Jim is having a difficult time deciding about me. We spend time with my mother, and we also drive around and check out my old haunts, go into Toledo to see if anything is new or exciting (there isn't, of course). And several nights I quietly sneak into Jillian's bedroom or she into mine and we enjoy each other. Way too soon, Wednesday arrives and Jillian has to leave. "I wish you were coming back with me now, or that I could stay longer, but I understand," she says at the airport with a little melancholy. "Your family is really nice and I had a very enjoyable time. I know I thanked your mother, and I'll be writing her a note, but please, thank her again for me. Okay?" "I'll do that, and I'll miss you, too," I say with a touch of true sadness. "I'll be back in a week and ready to go again. Now don't get into any trouble on the set. Mind your manners, hit your marks, and follow directions." She just looks at me, laughs a little and shakes her head, "A whole week without you nagging me, I can hardly wait! Oh, yes, when I get back I'm going to have Elizabeth send Colt an autographed picture. I think he'll like that." "I'm sure his wife Autumn will get a bigger thrill." Jillian just smiles at me. We hug, giving each other pecks on the cheek, as she whispers, "I will miss you," and she heads over to the security check in as I watch her walk away after which I slowly return to the SUV and head back to my mother's house. Upon my returning home, she pulls me aside. "I thought you should know that Roger Ballentine has called here asking for you. I thought it best to wait until your friend was gone before burdening you with this." she says. I take a big sigh, as he is the man that I helped put into the hospital, a moment in my life I will never forget although I have tried, and the result of which I will always feel I'm to blame, no matter what the finding. I can only wonder what he wants. "He has?" I shake my head as I continue, "I hope it isn't any more bad news. Is he suing me? When did he call?" "I don't think it's bad news, but I can't be sure. Now, please understand, I wanted to wait to tell you until I felt you could deal with this. He first called about two months ago, and then called again a little over a week ago. I told him then that you might be coming back home. Of course, now I'm not so sure I said the right thing, but you needed to know." I again wonder what this all might be about. Just because one is cleared of any wrongdoing, doesn't mean that one is no longer guilty, or that one is now free to do anything else. And, of course, civil lawsuits are always a possibility. "Did he say what he wanted?" "Only that he wanted to talk to you, in person and privately, whenever it was convenient for you." That's sort of a surprise, I guess, as I continue, "Where is he, still in the hospital?" Roger is also from Ohio but between Toledo and Sandusky. "No, I believe he said that he's at a rehab facility over the other side of Toledo, Falconcrest, I think?" "I know where it is. Did he leave a phone number?" "Yes, here it is. But, dear, considering where you're now at in your life, I would understand if you don't want to go there or even call him. I can always say that you were just in and out and had no time if he calls again." "Thanks, Mom, but you know I can't do that. I can't always run away from my problems." She smiles at me, "Yes, I know, but I also know that some things in the past can't ever be changed, and I don't want you thinking that you have an impossible responsibility hanging over you. I do want you to know that whatever you decide, it will be the right thing for you, and I'll support you." "Thank you again, Mom, now if I can just get Jim's support, I'll feel really good." "Is he giving you a hard time?" "No, he's just rather confused about it all right now as many people often are. I suppose in time, he'll come around. Laurie seemed quite accepting. She is really sweet." "Well, I'll work on him when I can and Laurie can help, too. He's known you since you were a baby, and always seemed to care about you, even if he didn't always show it. He knows what you're like inside. I'm sure he'll keep that in mind." "I hope so." "Not to change the subject too quickly, but I was thinking of your friend, Jill." "Yes?" "Tell me, dear, does she have a boyfriend?" I can imagine what's going through Mom's mind right now. This was about the politest way to ask what Jillian's leanings are as well as mine. But I know the truth, or at least one part of the truth, some of which will surprise her. I just won't tell her all. "Well, what happened is that she broke up with a guy she had been seeing, several weeks ago, and with her work schedule easing up, for a short time, decided she wanted to get away from things and the area for a little while. My coming home was exactly what she felt she needed, and she asked if she could come along." Mom then gets a very big smile and I can see her relaxing a little, nodding her head, "Oh, of course. I understand now. Yes, breaking up with someone can be painful. I'm glad she was able to come with you. I hope she liked it here. She seems a very nice young woman." Now I smile, as I know she doesn't understand all of it, but what she does, is fine by me. "I know she had a very nice time; but, Mom, do you know who she is?" Jillian had told me I could tell my family after she left. "Well, she's your friend, and her name is Jill, and not to disparage her in any way, but I could tell she's not from around here." I smile at that, "Well, yes, all that's mostly true, but she is more than just Jill, she's Jillian, Jillian Thomas, the Hollywood movie star and this year's sweetheart of the screen. She was the star of that movie, "Summer's Holiday," that was really popular earlier this year. My mother looks at me rather blankly for just a moment, and then finally says, "You mean that delightful romantic comedy I saw with Jim and his wife, that everyone was talking about?" I giggle a little, "Yes, that's the one. That's Jillian Thomas, my friend who just spent almost a week in your house." "Oh.....oh my! That was....why didn't you say something? We had a Hollywood star here in town and nobody knew? Oh, dear....that really was....you're absolutely sure, now?" I shake my head a little, "Yes, Mom, that was Jillian Thomas, the Hollywood movie star. Oh, I should mention that Jim knew. He thought she looked familiar but it took him until the other day to figure it out. I made him promise to not tell anyone, because she wanted this to be private." "My goodness, that was Jillian Thomas," she shakes her head. "But I'm confused, now. How do you know her? You said you work together?" I then tell her a lot of the story, leaving out some minor details. And later in watching one of the entertainment 'news' shows on cable, they report that there was supposedly a sighting of a famous actress near Toledo, and the rumor has it that she was doing some research for a future movie, or possibly visiting relatives. Mom and I have a little chuckle about that, as I try to explain to her that most of what she thinks she's seeing on these programs is contrived or just plain wrong. And like for a lot of fans of shows like this, it's hard convincing her, even with personal knowledge. "Oh, I hope you don't mind, but I sort of was wondering, if it's all right, of course." "Mom, you are my mother, you can ask anything." "Um, do you have a boyfriend? You don't have to answer if you don't want." I giggle a little, "Well, there is this one guy I sort of am dating a little, he and I go out dancing. We're not really close, but I'm having a good time, and he's really pleasant to be around. Oh, and I danced with Jimmy Wilson over at Striker's the other night" "Oh! Well, that's quite nice. Little Jimmy Wilson. He certainly has grown up. Did he recognize you?" "No," I reply as we finish talking, and I now sort of reluctantly turn my attention to Roger Ballentine, just a little worried about calling him and actually going to see him. I need to this, it's just I don't know how he'll respond to Chrissy. One more hurdle I'll have to clear, so I might as well do it. I gather up all my courage and place the call, "Hello, Mr. Ballentine? Roger?" "Hello, this is Chris Fielding." I work at getting back into my 'Chris' voice, but it is becoming more difficult over time. "Yes, thank you, Mr. Ballentine, Roger. I'm doing okay. How is your recovery going?" "Oh, that's really good. My mother told me you called, is there anything I can do for you?" "Oh! You'd like me to come there and visit with you? When were you thinking?" "Well, I have time tomorrow afternoon and the next afternoon." "I'm just a few miles west of the Toledo airport, I know where your facility is, I can be there whenever it's convenient." "Yes, day after tomorrow at 1 PM. That will be fine. I'll see you then. I do have something little to mention, but it can wait until then." "Yes, you're welcome. See you then. Good-bye." I can only wonder what he wants as I spend the rest of the day with my mother, doing household chores for her, vacuuming, cleaning up the kitchen, going to the store, just visiting and telling her stories about Hollywood, and listening to her stories of our relatives, neighbors, and other highlights of our town. The following day, we travel again to the mall, now just mother and daughter, where we shop for a little while until she gets tired, after she buys me an attractive blouse in which I had shown some interest. "As much as I loved having two boys, I would have liked a daughter too, so we could do things like this. I miss Chris a little, but Chrissy, I love you just as much," she says to me. "Thank you, Mom, I love you too," as I give her more of a hug than I had ever done as Chris, and I find that I like it. Too soon, the next day arrives and it's time for me to drive over and find out what Roger wants. I still have no idea. Nor do I know how he will respond to the new me. It's a nice pleasant summer day with a light breeze and clear skies. I am wearing a simple sheath dress, cranberry and just above my knees, with 3" heels, my hair is brushed out with a slight part and bangs across one eye. At the front desk they tell me that Roger is outside in the back area enjoying the sunny day. I walk out to the patio area and while there are several people milling around enjoying the weather, I see a wheelchair with a man in it, who appears from a distance to be Roger. He sees me and perks up a little but it's obvious he has no idea who I am. Butterflies are now churning away within me as I walk over to him. And some of my fear is returning. To be continued.