Homer loves Mindy simmons
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Flashback – Ben – In Moscow
PT was a total waste of time because it was too easy and I hated it. Because of my feelings I was certainly not my normal, perfect, patient self, instead I was the belligerent patient from hell. I gave them shit on all of the exercises except one – the one where I got to walk between the parallel bars. I pushed the hell out of myself on this exercise because the sooner I could walk, then the sooner I could run. And once I could run I could go take care of the fucking Chechen bastards!
My newest therapist ordered, "Sergeant, it is time for you to stop walking between the parallel bars."
I glanced at her, continued doing what I was doing and answered, "Go fuck yourself! I will stop when I damn well feel like it. Now get the fuck out of here and leave me alone."
Just like the others, she began to cry then ran out of the room and right past Jack.
Jack laughed, walked into the room and questioned...
Flashback – Jack – In Moscow
Shit the physical therapist ran past me crying. I looked at Banzai and complained, "Don't tell me you lost another therapist? What the hell did you say to this one?"
It was miserable as hell for me watching Banzai struggle to walk, but I made sure I hid that emotion from him. He looked up at me and confessed, "She wanted me to stop using the parallel bars but I wasn't done yet so I told her to go fuck herself, get out of here and leave me alone!"
I grinned and counseled, "You'd better cut it out or they will give you a real son of a bitch for a therapist."
He continued his sad attempt at walking and answered, "Hell, that would be great if they did. I'm fucking tired of these pansy assed therapists."
A new therapist walked into the room and it was immediately obvious Banzai should have been more careful about what he wished for...
Flashback – Ben – In Moscow
A typical looking, older Russian woman walked into the therapy room. You know the kind - they looked like they could be hitched to a plow and pull it all day long! She yelled at me, "Sgt. Blaine I do not care if you are a hero of Russia, I am your new therapist and you will listen to my orders. Now get off the parallel bars because we have work to do."
I grinned at her and taunted, "Go fuck yourself and the horse you rode in on. I will get off these parallel bars when I damn well feel like it. Now get the fuck out of here and leave me alone."
The new therapist threatened, "You will remove yourself from them immediately or I will remove you."
I stopped walking between the parallel bars, grinned at her and challenged, "I would like to see you do that."
I couldn't believe what the sneaky bitch did next; it sure as hell wasn't fair...
Flashback – Tatiana – In Moscow
It was all I could do to keep from laughing and thereby let Ben know I was immediately outside the room. His new therapist, Yuliana, was known to be the toughest therapist in Moscow. Ben had made so many enemies on the therapist staff that they transferred her here just to deal with him. We had come up with a plan and I just waited until Yuliana called, "Please come into the room."
I sauntered into the room and asked as sweetly as I could, "Ben, will you please remove yourself from the parallel bars? Especially since I am your girlfriend, your personal nurse and I did ask you nicely."
Ben glared at me, switched to Yuliana and declared, "It's not fair to use my personal nurse and girlfriend against me."
Yuliana laughed, her adipose tissue jiggled and she declared, "Everything is fair in love and war, so my action was certainly fair. However, your being a huge pain in the ass to the rest of the therapists was definitely not fair. Now come down from those parallel bars because we have work to do."
Ben gave Yuliana a confused look and demanded, "What the hell sort of work; the parallel bars are always the last thing I do in therapy."
Yuliana stated, "Not anymore! Your ass is now mine. The longer you take to follow my instruction, the worse it will be for you."
Ben made a huge mistake as he removed himself from the parallel bars. He decided to challenge Yuliana's intentions, "What the fuck can you do to me? Take your best shot?"
Flashback – Jack – In Moscow
I briefly watched but couldn't take it anymore so I went back to Banzai's room and waited for him. I made a serious mental note to never antagonize a physical therapist, especially one that looked like a fucking semi-truck driver. Once Ben got off the parallel bars, she wheeled him to a massage table, physically picked him up (Oh yeah, that was amazing!), threw him (literally) on the table and went to town on him. She twisted him this way and that way then she gave him the most brutally wicked massage I had ever seen. Hell, I couldn't watch anymore of the punishment - I was sure she was going to break him in two.
I was proud as hell that Banzai didn't cry, but I could tell he was in a hell of a lot of pain from his groans and his breathing. Plus, he didn't complain at all about what the new therapist was doing to him (shit I would have jumped off that damn table and run like hell, but then Ben wouldn't do that). I felt slightly bad for him, but he did bring this on himself.
The door opened, Tatiana wheeled him into the room, and he looked like shit warmed over! She brought him beside his bed and asked, "Jack, will you please help me get Ben into his bed?"
I was confused because Banzai had been moving so well before the therapist got her mitts on him so I asked, "Can't he do it himself?"
Banzai answered, "Jack, don't make a big deal out of this, please just help me get into the bed."
As we began to move Banzai he groaned in pain; we got him into the bed and I asked, "Tatiana, don't you think he needs something for pain?"
Banzai glared at me and argued, "Tatiana don't listen to him, I don't want anything for pain."
Tatiana smiled at me and explained, "I offered Ben something for pain but he is concerned he will become addicted so he refuses to take anything."
That sounded exactly like the Banzai I knew so I didn't press the issue. I was pissed when Banzai requested, "Tatiana, will you please check the trashcan to see if the French fries are still there."
She went to the trash can and saucily reported, "No honey, the French fries are no longer in the trashcan."
Banzai glared at me and demanded, "Jack, I thought I told you not to eat them."
I knew better than to lie to Banzai this time (lately he'd become lethal at detecting lies) so I answered, "Well I was hungry and didn't want good food to go to waste. You know there are starving kids in Africa that would have been happy to have those fries."
Banzai derisively laughed and shot down my reasoning, "Then you should have sent the fries to them rather than eating them yourself and packing on even more weight. Just remember, if you get too fat for your dress blues, you're going to have to wear a suit when you marry Masha because there's no place here in Russia to buy larger 'blues' and I don't think the tailors could let the existing ones out anymore."
Shit! I hated it like hell when Banzai was right! I hadn't tried on my 'blues' in a while but the last time I did they were a bit tight and now I might not even be able to button them. Thank God I was saved by Tatiana when she said, "Jack you need to leave now because I need to get Ben cleaned up."
I decided I needed to so something so I could fit in my 'blues' but there was no way in hell I was going to give Banzai the satisfaction of knowing that. I needed a distraction and asked, "I will see you later - would you like another hamburger when I come back?"
Banzai grinned and answered, "I sure as hell would!"
His eager answer set off Tatiana like I knew it would. I was confident that Ben was playing for more 'makeup' and as I left they were still arguing about it...
Flashback – Jens – At the military hospital
I received a disturbing as heck e-mail from – I couldn't believe what was in it! It was G-R-O-S-S! I was going to do something about it when there was a knock on my door and a man I didn't know (I immediately disliked him because he looked so effeminate) walked into my room with a gym bag (which looked more like a purse) over his shoulder.
I immediately and crabbily demanded, "Who the heck are you and what do you want?"
He glared at me and declared, "I am Angel Betancourt the ballet shoe supervisor for the New York City ballet and I'm here to fit you for custom en pointe shoes. However, I deal with Prima Ballerinas all day long and if you continue with your current bitchy attitude I will leave and you will be deprived of my acknowledged expertise."
Geraldine
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