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By The Princess
How could one possibly have known that the trangendered feelings one had
a child would grow to such an extent that in one's forties that they
would consume almost all one's thoughts and desires?
To be at this stage of your life and realise that the drive to live as a
member of the opposite sex has become all consuming but the opportunity
do so with the minimum of pain and upset to one's self and family has
firmly passed by is a truly sad thing to face.
What transgendered person has not looked at a photograph of an early
transitioning woman and thought if only I knew at sixteen what I know now
I would have done things so differently.
But at sixteen we thought that our gender issues were a phase that we
would grow out of and once a wife and family came along all this wishing
to be a girl would be gone for ever.
But it did not happen that way did it?
Married to a woman we performed our manly duties as best we could. We
made love to our wives but what she did not know was as we were doing so
we were fantasising that we were the girl and a man was making love to
us.
We looked at our wives naked and fantasised that her vulva was between
our legs, her breasts were on our chests and as we watched her putting on
her clothes from her silky underwear to her pretty dresses and shoes we
longed for those clothes to be ours.
To watch her putting on her jewellery, makeup, painting her nails or
shaving her legs brought out a deep sense of envy only another
transgendered male could possibly understand.
Once we are in our forties our future is set. Commitments to family make
acting on our ever increasing desire to cross over to the sex we know we
should be too difficult. We are not prepared to put those we love through
the pain and humiliation that our change of sex could cause.
We spend hours on the internet talking to others in our same predicament.
We join clubs for people like us so we can at least spend a little time
in our preferred role. We give ourselves female names to use when we are
dressed. Our circle of friends changes until most are people like
ourselves.
The thought of discovery is ever present. Will someone at work happen
across that picture of me wearing the little yellow sundress that
disappeared from my screen to who knows where? Will my wife look at the
pictures stored in my digital camera before I think to erase them? Will
someone happen across my femme clothes and accessories? What if I die in
an accident. Will my family freak out when they realise the extent of my
feminine paraphernalia?
We know now that we should have acted on this problem when we were young
to effect some sort of solution to the anguish.
To transition now even with all the money necessary to make the result
passable which in turn makes our lives bearable is an impossibility.
Every person who looks at us, hears our voice or listens to our falsified
past history has the potential to make our lives miserable.
Yes there are women who are tall, or have broad shoulders, or have deep
voices, or have masculine facial structures, or have large hands and
feet, but they do not have all of these afflictions. If you have any two
or three of the above then I'm afraid to say that you are a man. It does
not matter if you are the most femininely dressed person in the room but
you are a man.
"So what" I hear you say. I don't care what people think of me I want to
live my life to suit me.
We would be swapping one painful existence for another.
Think about this new situation we would now find ourselves in. We were
unhappy pretending to be a man when we wanted to be a woman. But we did
have the love of our family and friends. Now we can pretend we are women
but we lose our families, friends, livelihood and any chance of a loving
intimate relationship. Honestly have you seen the type of men who want to
be with trannies? I need say no more on that.
Most of us give up on Mr Right and find ourselves with another girl in
our situation. So now there are two great big ugly girls with deep
voices, no jobs and odd fashion sense together. How good a target is this
for the good old boys in town?
Of course some of us want a lasting relationship with a genetic woman.
Why not? I'm sure a lot of woman want a woman twice the size of a woman,
unemployable, narcissistic, paranoid, and whom it would be a delight to
be seen with especially by her family and friends.
In my case I was well qualified and ran a large department in a
Government Agency making a very good salary and the thought of the
hardship involved as a middle aged jobless transsexual did not appeal.
So what is the point of this story? I'm sure we have all said at some
time "If only we knew then what we know now."
I was in a bar one evening near my place of work and an odd little man
struck up a conversation with me. After telling him a little about myself
he made a very strange remark.
"If you could go back to any point of your life, when would you choose?"
I really did not have to think too hard on this as I often thought that
if I had known the extent of my feminine wanting I would have studied
nursing as early as I could, started hormones at the same time and once a
qualified nurse I would have crossed over in my early twenties.
The hormones and testosterone blockers if properly administered would
have prevented a lot of masculine physical traits. To be an early
transitioning post op transsexual with a nursing qualification would
almost guarantee future employment. I was six foot one as a man but I
grew very late and at seventeen was only five foot six. I did not reach
my full height until twenty two years of age.
I quickly answered his question. "That's easy, sixteen years old"
"You seem very sure." he went on, "what if I was to tell you I could
arrange that?"
"As much as I would dearly love to believe you I'm afraid I have a tough
time believing in magic."
"Ah but if I could do this one thing for you would you do me a favour in
return?"
"Sure thing buddy" I chuckled, "you do that for me and I will do anything
you ask" I figured what have I to lose. I did not believe he could do it
so I had no problem promising him a favour.
He looked thrilled. "Very well then. You go to sleep tonight and when you
wake the calender will have returned to the 15th of April 1975."
The shock must have shown on my face. That was the exact date of my 16th
birthday and I had not told him that.
"I know many things that would amaze you" he crowed. "Now as to the
favour. Sometime in your new life I will approach you for this favour.
Let me assure you it will not be dangerous or life threatening in any
way. Are you prepared to agree?"
I was beginning to believe him and although I was a little scared the
opportunity to live my life over as I needed it to be was too great to
pass up. Even if he was talking rubbish It had cost me nothing.
"Sure thing, anything you want" was my answer filled with false bravado
and smidgen of hope.
"Good the deal is done. Must be off, be seeing you." With that he left
the bar.
My trip home was filled with wonder. I found myself partially planning my
new life and partially knowing that none of this could happen.
That night I kissed my wife goodnight and fell into a deep sleep.
When I awoke I knew something was different but it was not until I
noticed I was in my childhood bedroom did I fully appreciate that the
strange little man had fulfilled his promise.
I hopped out of bed and was surprised by my small size. I went out to the
kitchen to find my much younger family waiting for me to give me my
birthday presents. I was sixteen years old today.
My mind went into a spin and I excused myself to clear my head. I decided
to go with the flow and returned to receive my gifts and to accept them
graciously.
I knew what it was I must do. I was being given an opportunity to live my
life the way I had dreamed.
Instead of engineering I set my sights on nursing. My parents and
brothers and sisters were shocked as I had maintained since starting
secondary school that I was going to be a civil engineer like my dad.
I concentrated on getting the best possible grades so as to be accepted
into a nursing course as soon as possible. I had discovered that I could
start a course at the end of my current year which would make me a
registered nurse but not a nursing sister which would require me to
finish high school. That would make me one year older when I could start
hormone therapy which of course was one more year of masculation of my
body.
I began applying to hospitals away from our home town. I figured that if
I was going to feminise myself I did not want my family intervening and
thinking they were doing the best thing for me prevent me from my
treatment.
I was accepted into a large hospital two thousand miles from home. My
parents did not want me to move that far away and were still bewildered
as to why my sudden interest in nursing but being good people they let me
go.
I moved into the nurses residence and began my training. Almost straight
away I found a group of transsexuals who worked in the city, some in
entertainment and some in the ?oldest profession' and with their help I
met a very understanding doctor who supplied my hormones and t blockers.
I could have bought them illegally but the risks were too great.
My new friends also supported me in my presentation as a young woman and
after six months I moved out of the hospital accommodation and into a
house with two other girls.
We all worked odd hours. My shifts were the most stable though and this
arrangement worked out well. I only dressed as a boy to go to work. At
all other times I was a girl. I studied hard and passed my exams easily.
The hormones held off my masculine features well and as I was not really
changing but staying the same, no one really thought my appearance
strange. I had two small sleepers in my ears but so did a lot of young
men back then. I wore my hair as long as I could get away with. Short
enough to go to work with but long and thick enough to arrange femininely
all other times.
When I went home a couple of times a year people were surprised that my
younger brother towered over me and looked so much more mature than I
did. I was careful not to expose my hairless chest and legs especially as
my breasts were beginning to form. I dearly loved my family but I took
the decision to only visit the minimum time I could safely get away with
for they were the only ones who could intervene in my quest to become a
woman.
I began dating young men and found I had the normal desires of a young
woman. I experimented with girls as I genuinely loved them when I was a
man in my previous life but I soon discovered I needed a penis to be
satisfied. (that was not attached to me) I found sex to be wonderful and
always insisted on him using a condom. I knew about aids even if the
world did not yet.
My life was going well. I was nearing the end of my second year with one
more to go. I loved my job as I discovered my nurturing skills were well
refined. My love life was great as I had recently starting dating a
dreamy young intern named Simon, who although seven years older was truly
my sole mate. Simon was completely straight but accepted me as a girl
going through treatment to have a birth defect repaired. We spent every
spare minute together and I loved nothing better to be in a little
sundress holding his hand discussing our future together.
Simon was a generous lover and I made it a priority to satisfy him as
often as humanly possible.
One day Simon and I took a walk along the beach. We returned home hand in
hand with me wearing a flimsy little summer dress holding my sandals in
one hand and Simon in my other. I noticed a strange car outside but
thought nothing of it. Before I could enter the house Simon grabbed me
and held me in his arms giving me a deep kiss and running his hand up my
dress and over my panties. We stumbled through the door like that to find
my parents sitting on our couch with Amanda one of the girls I lived
with.
My mother and father were staring open mouthed. Apparently they were
worried because I had not been home in some time and thought my voice
sounded strange on the phone. I was constantly telling them I was OK and
wrote a lot of letters to compensate but they decided to fly up and rent
a car to see for themselves.
Simon knew instinctively who these people were. He released me and
stepped back a little but to his credit he did not let go of my hand. I
had been a middle aged man before becoming a teenager again but I can
tell you the fear I felt at that moment was horrific.
I hated upsetting my family as they were good people but my father was a
real man's man and I was sure he would not be able to deal with my
becoming a girl. I prayed that he would not physically pick me up and
take me home to put a stop to my treatment.
I knew he could easily as my hormone treatment stopped my growth at five
foot seven and a half and my weight settled out at fifty seven kilos. If
a man as large as my dad wanted to take me there was nothing I could do
to stop him.
My mother spoke first. "How could you do this to yourself. What have you
become? This is such an embarrassment I don't know what we will tell our
friends." She then burst into tears and not knowing what else to do so
did I. Poor Simon just stood there.
"That's enough Margaret." my dad suddenly spoke. "Richard is our child
and always will be. If this is how he must live his life then we as his
parents will stand by him all the way."
I do not know who in the room was the most shocked. My mother stopped
crying with shock and I do not think I ever loved anyone as much as I
loved my dad at that moment.
"I guess you don't go by Richard any more. What is your new name honey?"
I heard myself answer in a shaky little voice, "I know you were going to
call me Anne if I had been born a girl so I am now Annie."
"And who is this young man you seem to be so fond of?"
"This is Simon dad. He is an intern at the hospital."
Dad introduced himself and mum and suggested that we all need some time
to think. He then decided that he and mum would go to their hotel and
freshen up and be back to take Simon and I to dinner so they could meet
Simon and Annie properly.
My dad was an extra special man. I did not hold anything against mum as I
can only imagine the surprise and hurt she felt. I am happy to say that
she soon got over it and it was not long before we were mother and
daughter. I graduated in male form, but I have to say I was more often
mistaken for a girl than a boy but after changing into a gorgeous new
dress mum, my sister and I bought we all went out to celebrate.
I had my operation to make me complete soon after and Simon and I
relocated back to my home town to live our lives. He found a great job
and I became a nurse in the same hospital.
My dad helped me to change all my personal identity papers to female and
Simon and I had a beautiful wedding followed by a honeymoon in Hawaii.
We adopted two wonderful children and our lives were complete. I loved
being a mum and a wife and felt I had the most important job in the
world.
I was in our local supermarket doing our weekly grocery shopping when a
strange little man approached me. I knew who he was immediately. My mind
went into a spin and I felt faint. I was sure he was going to upset my
perfect life by breaking up my marriage or demanding one of my children
or something of that nature.
I did my best not to show him how scared I was but my quavering voice let
me down.
"I see you remember me my dear."
"Of course." I decided to be magnanimous. "I have never had the chance to
thank you for the wonderful life you gave me"
"Yes I have followed it with interest. I must say you certainly are a
lovely woman"
"May I ask you a question?" There was something niggling me that only he
could answer.
"Of course my dear."
"Why didn't you use your magic powers to turn me into a girl rather than
altering time so I could become a girl the hard way?"
"Is that what you would have preferred Annie?"
"Well it would have meant I could have had children naturally." I
replied.
"Don't you love the two you have now?
All of a sudden I understood. If he had of made me a girl I would not
have become a nurse, or met my darling Simon or discovered what a truly
wonderful family I had.
"I can see you have worked it out for yourself" he grinned.
"Thank you." I suddenly thought I knew what was coming. He wants to fuck
me.
"Nothing of the sort my dear" Oops I forgot he knew my thoughts.
"The favour I am going to ask of you is this. You and your husband have
valuable medical knowledge. I want you both to use your vacation time
each year to travel to an underprivileged community and dispense your
talents freely."
I was shocked and ashamed at my earlier horrible thoughts.
"Is this something you could find in your heart to do?"
"It would be a pleasure." I answered. I meant it too. I knew Simon would
agree as he was such a good man.
With that my odd little friend smiled, "I must be off but yes it did
cross my mind that it would be nice to fuck you" Then he was gone.
That is how Simon and I and the kids began travelling the world each year
helping many communities in need of our help. This just added to the joy
and contentment of my second life as a nurse and a woman.
Epilogue - it sure is easier urinating in primitive conditions when you
are a man. Everything has it's price.
Blaze
- 11.03.2022
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