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A Girl? By ABC de F "I knew you'd do it," Dee Ann, said. She turned and walked toward the bedroom, the phone pressed to her ear. "No way! I didn't know until he asked," Gina said. "Well I knew," Dee Ann said. "I just did. Once you went with Drew I knew you'd do it again, and this guy was just like Drew." "Lars," Gina said. "His name is Lars, and he's not at all like Drew except they're both hot." "I know. He is. And he has dark hair and wears it real short and has big ears that..." "Not! Dee Ann, he does not have big ears." "Yes he does, and so did Drew, and they're both very tall and slim and funny," Dee Ann said. "And dreamboats," Gina said. Dee Ann pulled on Dennis boxers. "You got the cream of the crop," she admitted. Then they both laughed at what she'd said. "I did get the cream," Gina said coyly. "Twice, thank you. And it was lovely both ways." "Good for you," Dee Ann. "See," Gina said, "you're jealous." "Not." "Are. But you don't have to be. All you have to do is do it. You had guys drooling over you all night. I've got to borrow that little black dress some night!" "I think it's the heels," Dee Ann said. "We wear the same size shoes, too, don't forget. I know, I'll just go out as you, and then you can get laid vicariously." Dee Ann didn't answer. She pulled on a pair of black running shorts, switching the phone from ear to ear as she tugged. "Dee Ann," Gina said. "You should try it once. I'll set you up with Drew. He was very gentlemanly." "You know better," Dee Ann said. "Not interested. I can't even imagine it." "Okay," Gina said. "You don't mind me talking about it, do you?" "By 'it' you mean sex, right? I don't mind. It's just not something I'm interested in for me." "Romance, a relationship - it's not just sex," Gina said, and then giggled. "But since I just recently lost my virginities I feel this compulsion to talk about sex." Dee Ann laughed. "I'll listen." She was curious - sort of. She didn't want to hear the clinical details but she did wonder how - and why - that element of being a girl was different for Gina than it was for her. What made the whole thing confusing was she believed that she was truly a girl, while Gina had far more ephemeral views of her own sexuality. When they'd first met it seemed as if they were sisters, and Gina had even joked that they were fraternal twins. Now, with the dating element Gina had introduced, the differences in their thinking were becoming apparent. Well, that happened to any two people in any kind of friendship. It just seemed that in their friendship the differences went more to the heart of who they were. Dee Ann had thought of Gina as another misplaced soul, another girl in a guy's body, just like her. Gina's move into sex (and Gina swore that she'd never had a relationship of any type, at any time, with any male before Drew) changed how Dee Ann looked at her friend. They were still simpatico. But now Gina was taking side trips by herself. "I don't know why I let myself go out with Drew," Gina said. "You said it was curiosity," Dee Ann said. She picked the sweatshirt off the bed and twisted to get one arm in a sleeve. "I did say that, and it's true," Gina said. "Plus, he was so damn charming. No pressure at all. I could have shaken hands with him at the door and he would have tootled off to his car." "But you didn't." Dee Ann finished with the sweatshirt and looked around for the running shoes. "No. I kissed him goodnight. I think that's what did it." "Really?" "Yeah. I mean I've had a few guys kiss me on the neck while we were dancing. It didn't turn me off and it didn't turn me on. You know what I mean?" "I know exactly what you mean," Dee Ann said. "But no kissing on the lips." "Our rule." "Yep. Well, when Drew leaned forward it was so...hell, calm is the only word I can think of. Like I said, no pressure, and he moved very slowly and he wasn't even holding me so it wasn't like he had me in his grip or anything. It was just very gentle. There, that's a better word than calm: gentle." "A gentle man," Dee Ann said. "Right. And I asked him in. I hadn't been planning to do that. When the words came out of my mouth it surprised me as much as I think it did him. The rest of the evening just sort of flowed, as if it was predestined. When we got inside we kissed again in the living room and maybe because it was inside the apartment it seemed more intimate. It was a series of surprises for me all evening, but as soon as they happened they seemed like predestination. Does this make any sense?" "It's hard for me to say, Gina. I can't see it for me, but it obviously works for you." Gina laughed. "Does it ever!" "We're just different in some ways." "But we're so much alike! Why am I suddenly different from you? Please, tell me, because I sure don't know." "Well, you dress up and we go out together and flirt and dance with guys, and then you take one home." "Only twice," Gina said. "So far," Dee Ann said. "So far," Gina said and laughed. "And you don't believe you're a girl, and you don't believe you're gay." "I'm getting less sure about that last part," Gina said with a smile in her voice. "Or maybe the first part." Dee Ann didn't respond. "You still there?" Gina asked. "Yeah, I'm sure ... Ah, there they are." The sneakers were peeking out from under the bed. "Anyway ... Oh, I don't know." "Look," Gina said. "I dress up in girl's clothes because it's fun. I like it. It feels cool and I like the attention and it's like playing. And I don't look bad ..." "You look gorgeous," Dee Ann interrupted. "As do you, and you know it. So no false modesty. Let's be honest here: we're both really hot chicks. Okay, now I'm dressing up because it's fun and a turn on. I've told you that I probably feel more natural as a girl than a guy, whatever that means. Well, lately maybe I'm dressing up because guys are falling all over themselves to get close to me, and because I tried going to bed with one, now two, and it turned out really good. So I discovered I like having sex with guys when I'm dressed as a girl. Big discovery. But would I like having sex with a guy when I'm in regular clothes? Ah, that we don't know." "Curious?" Dee Ann asked. "Hell yes," Gina said, "but not curious enough to find out the answer. I might be. One day. But now I'm happy with things the way they are. I pretend I'm a girl and I went to bed with a guy - okay, two guys, I'll say it before you do - and it was ... it was exciting. That's probably the best word. Maybe it will stop being exciting." "Or maybe you'll go to bed with a guy when you're dressed as Ed and that will be exciting," Dee Ann said. "Maybe," Gina said, "but I don't think so. What would be so exciting about that? There's no ... I don't know. It just doesn't do anything for me when I consider it. It's plain." "No showbiz, no movie star, no glamour," Dee Ann said. "That's it! You're so smart. That's why we're best friends." "Of course," Dee Ann said. "And now we come to you," Gina said. "A whole different story." "Yeah," Dee Ann sighed. "Dennis by day; Dee Ann on Friday nights." "It's day," Dee Ann said. "It's the morning after," Gina said. "For you." "For me," Gina agreed. "What is it for you?" "Day. Saturday. Dennis time," Dee Ann said. "But on the phone ...." "Well, I'm talking to my best friend who has never seen me in anything but make-up, a wig, and Dee Ann clothes," Dee Ann said. "Uh-huh. But who are you right now?" "I'm me." "Is me a girl or is me a guy?" Gina asked. "Yes," Dee Ann said and they both laughed. "Enough," Gina said. "How about a moratorium on the am I guy or a girl stuff? Let's just be ourselves." "I'll sign on to that," Dee Ann said. "Now I've got to get my run in, so I'll talk to you later." Chapter Two It was an unusual Saturday for Dennis in that he had a completely clear calendar. No game to go to with the guys, no laundry or grocery shopping to do, no date for that night, and no plans for anything else. He'd probably use the apartment complex's pool in the afternoon, but even that was flexible. He was flexible. He could be Dee Ann on Friday nights at the club - and Saturday mornings on the phone with Gina - and he could be Dennis at work. It seemed to him that Dee Ann and Dennis weren't really two different people. Gina had told him that, and he agreed until she said that he was really Dee Ann and that being Dennis was the unreal part of his life. He wasn't as sure about that as she was. Dee Ann and Dennis acted different and looked different but they were both him. And why not? He looked and acted different when he was playing softball and when he was at the office, but he was still himself. Why should he have to choose between Dennis and Dee Ann? He'd even gotten Gina to see his point. Not that that made her give up her other arguments, some of which were pretty persuasive, which is why they always hit an impasse. Their discussions about gender were always complex, and they both frequently voiced points that contradicted their own earlier statements, and nothing was ever resolved. But the conversations always got him thinking. It was on his mind a lot and Gina always brought it to the forefront. She was something else. They had a ball together, both of them outgoing and chatty. They danced with hot guys and flirted. Even if the guys at the club knew they weren't going to get anywhere with them they still hit on them and they had fun with it. No hurt feelings. It was a very light, fun atmosphere. Eventually the guys would try to pair up with one of the other "girls" or another guy. Five nights a week the club was men only. She never went on any night but Fridays, which was advertised as "TG/TV/CD Oh My! Night", but she looked forward to it all week. He had to watch himself. When he started thinking about dressing and the club he started to think of himself as a she and started walking like a girl. It had happened more than once in public and he was petrified that someone from work would see him swaying down the street. That was the thing, and it was a point that Gina made that hit home. When he was dressed he never thought about being a guy. He never walked to the ladies' room at the club with a manly gait. His voice never came out masculine. But when he was Dennis and let his mind drift to thoughts of dressing or being a girl his body fell right into it before he knew it. Gina said that was a telling point. Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't. Anyway, that had nothing to do with the sex act. Not as far as he was concerned. Gina, on the other hand, seemed to feel it cinched her argument. If Dennis wasn't Dennis but was Dee Ann, then it was logical, in Gina logic, that she would want to have sex with a guy because that's who girls have sex with. The fact that they usually had the conversation in a gay club where guys were looking to have sex with other guys and girls were wanting sex with other girls didn't bother her at all. "They're gay," Gina had said. "That's different." "Well, yes, but no," Dee Ann said, and they were off and running about the sex question. Damn, he was doing it again. The walk. He had to watch that. He segued from a walk to a smooth jog, turning at the running path that delineated the edge of the park. The idea of going to the club on a night other than Friday had been rolling around in his mind lately. He wasn't sure exactly what he would do there. Ideally, he'd like to be a fly on the wall and just watch. He didn't have a goal, exactly, and had no clue as to what, if anything, he might learn, but somehow it seemed like it might be valuable to have the experience. As he thought about it he realized that what he really wanted to do was go on a Friday night in a kind of out of body experience. He wanted to see himself. He knew he looked good but he wanted to look into his eyes, see his unguarded moments, and examine his mannerisms when he thought no one was looking. He was sure that would give him the key insight that he needed. What a daydreamer, he thought. An out of body experience. Sheesh. He rounded the fountain at the north end of the park and a couple that had paused there got back into jogging, coming in thirty yards ahead of him. Rounders, they were called. All the joggers who followed the perimeter of the park called themselves rounders, as did park regulars. He'd been a rounder for six months, up an hour and a half early to get his two circuits in before work. On weekends he'd usually do three. Rounders, as in round and round without getting anywhere, sort of like his life as Dee Ann. Where was he going with that? Or maybe he should start asking Where was it taking him, because his dressed life was taking on a life of its own. He was gradually catching up to the couple in front of him. He didn't want to run with them or creep pass them, but neither did he want to break stride. Running was very deceptive. It seemed to give him a lot of time to think. No phones, no conversations. But when he moved to the final cool down phase of his run he always knew he had run longer than the time he'd spent thinking, yet there was no memory of blanking out. Friday nights were a joy. They were all the things Gina thought they were: exciting, fun, and a bit of Hollywood, but they were more than that for him. After the first few times he no longer thought of himself as playacting. Friday nights were real. Certainly the atmosphere was a bit phony. A special night at the club for guys dressed as girls. The spotlight was always on the two of them because they were the best looking girls there. Gina was right: no false modesty. That didn't mean he had to be egotistical about it, but admitting that he was such a good looking girl seemed to be an important factor in his disordered thinking about gender. A girl in a boy's body, Gina had said. The clich? meant something to him. His body and face transformed successfully. Not without some work, but then born girls worked for that success, too. He'd seen his mother and sister spend a lot of time getting ready to go out. Would it mean anything if he hadn't been able to achieve the look? Probably not. If the clich? was right then failure to be able to look like a girl meant nothing. He was, after all, dealing with a boy's body no matter what was going on inside or how it looked outside. Whether or not he could make that body look like a girl had nothing to do with who he was. He was running with the couple and put on a mild burst of speed so as to pass them quicker. They'd exchanged nods and smiles when he'd caught up to them and in a moment they'd be behind him. They'd watch him; they couldn't help it. Was the clich? right when applied to him? A girl in a boy's body. He didn't know. Chapter Three "Are you up for another night?" Gina asked, a tinkle in her voice. "Are you sure? It doesn't make sense to me. Gay clubs have a girls' night to increase business on an off night. Saturday should be their busiest night." "Our club has theirs on Friday," Gina said. "Yeah, but I think that's unusual," Dee Ann said. She wasn't excited about going to a strange place. "Well, the queen said they were hurting for business," Gina said. The queen had been the winner of the Most Beautiful Girl contest at the state gay pageant seven years ago and knew everything that was going on at every gay club in the state. Gossip was her favorite commodity. "Well, I dunno." "Why not? It would be fun to meet some new people," Gina said. "If anyone's there," Dee Ann said. "Well, there's only one way to find out. But you don't sound too enthusiastic. I don't want to go by myself." "I don't think we want to go by ourselves," Dee Ann said. "Sometimes you've got to take a chance," Gina said. "C'mon, live a little. It could be fun." Dee Ann didn't say anything. "C'mon," Gina encouraged. "I guess it could be fun," Dee Ann said, but there was still hesitation in her voice. "Yipee! I'll pick you up at 9:00. It's an hour's drive, maybe a little more." *** *** *** The club, which was called, with little originality, The Headwaiter, was on a quiet street. The sign was small and faced a fenced in parking lot patrolled by a bouncer. "Not a Lexus in the bunch," Gina said. "It's not so bad," Dee Ann said. She found it odd that she was in the position of defending a place that Gina had pressured her into visiting. It was quiet inside, an older crowd. Sixty or seventy people sat at tables or in the short row of booths, with five or six more at the bar. There were less than a dozen girls there, in their late thirties except one who had to be fifty, and all gathered in one section. Two or three were with guys but the rest talked among themselves. Gina and Dee Ann looked at each other. "Stay or go?" Gina said. "Maybe for a drink and we'll see. Quite a few people. It might liven up later." There she was, defending the place again. Gina headed to the bar and they took stools. The bartender at their end of the bar was about their age and good looking. "Evening, Ladies," he said. "What'll it be?" "A bottle of merriment, with a dash of excitement," Gina said. "On the rocks." The bartender's smile widened. "Coming right up." He turned to Dee Ann, "And for you?" "I'll have what she's having," Dee Ann said. The bartender laughed. "A couple umbrella drinks?" he asked. "God no," Gina said. "Bourbon and water. Weak; I'm driving." He nodded and looked at Dee Ann. He looked directly into her eyes and his voice lowered, "Do I make that two, or are you on your own?" Dee Ann was off balance for a moment, but caught herself and ordered a white wine. "Be right up," he said, and walked away. "He's hitting on you!" Gina whispered urgently. "No he's not," Dee Ann protested. "'Do I make that two, or are you on your own?'," Gina mimicked, her voice low and sultry. "Quit!" Dee Ann said. "I'm telling you, he's hitting on you," Gina said. "But you'd better watch out. You know what they say about bartenders in gay bars." "What?" "Huge cocks," Gina said. "Job requirement number one: a huge, huge cock." "Gina!" Dee Ann blurted, louder than she had intended. Instinctively, she looked down the bar to see if he'd heard. He was looking directly at her, a small smile on his lips. She felt herself actually blush. "You're blushing!" Gina said, not ready to let anything go. "Quit," Dee Ann said again. "I will," Gina said. "I'm sorry." They sipped their drinks. By unspoken agreement neither of them had turned and looked at the people in the club, nor had they looked over the crowd by looking in the mirror behind the bar. The bartender and the patrons were forgotten and they started talking about clothes and sales and the girls at their home club. A four-piece band stepped up on the small stage and were greeted with enthusiastic applause. "It's good to be back at The Headwaiter," the bandleader said. "I recognize some familiar faces from our first appearance here." A little more bonding with the audience and then the group launched into a medley of songs. "Oldies," Gina said. "Covers," Dee Ann corrected. "Recent." "Hmmm," Gina conceded. A slender guy walked over and asked Gina for a dance. He was probably forty, but nice looking and very well dressed. "I think we'll just listen to the band for a while," Gina said, "but I'm flattered you asked." The man smiled and nodded. He turned to Dee Ann. His glance flickered briefly to the right, he nodded and started back toward his seat. They both turned to see who the man had nodded at and saw the bartender coming toward them. "Another round?" he asked. "Not until we finish this one," Gina said, smiling. He stood there for a moment and was about to say something else when a barboy called a drink order. The bartender smiled at them, again catching Dee Ann's eye, and turned away. "Really big cocks," Gina said. "Too much for you for your first time." "C'mon, Gina," Dee Ann said. "Let's not talk about that, please." "We talk about it all the time," Gina said. "I know, but I think I'm all talked out on the subject. So let's talk about something else, okay?" "Sure, honey," Gina said. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't tease you. I don't know what's gotten into me tonight. A new place, I guess. And the bartender." "The bartender," Dee Ann said. "No, not like that," Gina said. "I'm not after him, though he is the best looking guy in the entire club. But he's clearly got his eyes on you and that's hands off for me." "He's hands off for me, too," Dee Ann said. "Why?" "You know why," she said. "And even if he was interested he can't come sit with us and talk, and he can't ask us to dance because he's working," Dee Ann said. "Then you'll just have to come back when he gets off," Gina said, and made a double-entendre out of the statement by laughing. Three guys walked in, paused and smiled when they saw Dee Ann and Gina, and then headed for the middle of the bar. "Not bad," Gina said. "The blonde's cute," Dee Ann agreed. "Our age, too." "Ut-oh, here he comes." The blonde introduced himself as Rick and asked if he could buy them a drink. Dee Ann motioned to their still full glasses and said, "We're fine, thank you." "Yes you are," he said. "May I join you?" "Okay." He took the stool next to Dee Ann. "My first time here," he said. "It's a quieter crowd than where I usually go." "Us, too," Dee Ann said. "Us, too? You mean you haven't been here before?" "Nope. But at least the band doesn't blast you out of the room. I like that." "They seem pretty good," he said. "Danceable music, anyway. I can't stand loud bar bands either. You can't talk." Dee Ann nodded and smiled. "Ah," the blonde said, looking over her shoulder. "This is my friend Alan. I'd introduce you, but..." A tall, dark haired guy who had come in with Rick and a third guy had walked up to them. "Dee Ann," she said, "And this is my friend Gina." "Italian Gina, Latina Gina, or just plain Gina?" Alan asked with a smile. "Never just plain Gina," Gina said with a laugh. "You were right on the first guess: Italian Gina." "My mother's Italian," Alan said. "Why is it that Italian men always mention their mothers in the first five minutes of conversation with a girl?" Gina said. The guy was taken aback and clearly didn't know what to say. "I'm kidding you!" Gina said. "Why don't you have a seat?" The bartender came over and put paper napkins on the bar. "What can I get you guys?" They gave him their orders and he turned to Dee Ann and asked, "Are you ladies okay?" Did he mean their drinks or them? Dee Ann wasn't sure. "We're fine for now, thank you," she said. He hesitated, still looking directly at her, and then nodded and left. "He seems protective," Rick said. "I thought you said you'd never been here before." "We haven't," Dee Ann said. "He was just..." She let the sentence trail off. He was just what? Checking to see if they wanted to top up their drinks? No, it was more than that. Looking out for the ladies? Looking out for her? "Well, you know what they say about bartenders," Rick said. The girls giggled abruptly. "What?" Rick asked. "I'm not saying I believe it, and I'm certainly not accusing him of anything." They laughed harder. "I don't even know why I said that. He's probably a teetotaler." Both girls lost it. The guys looked at each other, completely bewildered. Both Rick and Alan turned out to be terrible dancers, awkward at slow dancing (both declined to fast dance) and seemingly unsure how to hold their partners. Somehow, that put a blight on the conversation as well and it wasn't long after that that they returned to their long abandoned third friend. As usually happened, some of the people in the club had kept tabs on Dee Ann and Gina, interested to see if they'd pair off with anyone. Most of the people there apparently knew each other, if sometimes only by sight, and the girls stood out. They would have done so simply with their looks, and by being so fem, but the regulars were also evaluating them, asking themselves if the newcomers fit in, The truth was that they didn't. The Headwaiter crowd was more subdued and a little older. The girls were fun, light-hearted and a bit glam. There was also the usual small group who found guys dressed as girls offensive to their attitudes toward gayness, as if it somehow insulted their masculinity. Their glances weren't friendly and the girls sensed that once someone in the group had made disparaging jokes bout them. A couple guys sent over drinks, and a few stopped to talk, but the conversations didn't generate any sparks. Rather than a fun spot, The Headwaiter had the feel of a neighborhood bar. "Ready?" Gina said. Dee Ann glanced around. "Might as well." She gathered her purse and was standing up when the bartender approached. "Leaving so early?" he asked, looking at Dee Ann. "I think so," Dee Ann said. "You have a very nice place here." The bartender smiled, "But a little dull, right?" "No, not at all." He nodded. "Wait a second and I'll walk you out." Before she could respond he had turned and called to the other bartender to tell him he'd be right back. Dee Ann and Gina looked at each other. Gina lifted her eyebrows and made an "Oh, what have we here?" face. The parking lot bouncer was passing the door when the trio walked out and said, "Leaving, Mr. Gregg?" "Just walking the ladies to their car, Shoulders," the bartender said. "Shoulders?" Dee Ann said. He laughed. "His name's Jameel but everyone calls him Shoulders." "And I can see why," Dee Ann said. "Mr. Gregg?" Gina said. "Jason Gregg," the bartender said. "I'm sorry, I should have introduced myself." "Not your average bartender," Gina said. He smiled, "One of the bartenders had a motorcycle accident this afternoon, not hurt badly but he couldn't come in so I filled in for him. We have a partnership: a buddy I've known for years, a lawyer who's a silent partner, and myself. We opened The Headwaiter four years ago." "So is it true what they say about bartenders in gay clubs?" Gina asked. "Gina!" Dee Ann said. "Definitely," Jason said, and the girls laughed. "Seriously," he said. "If they're not good listeners they usually don't last long. That's the major job requirement, along with knowing how to mix a good drink, and...." He made a small bow. "...providing friendly service." They grinned. "What?" he asked. "Nothing," Dee Ann said. "I've never seen you around here before. Do you live here in town?" he asked. "We just heard about your club and came on the spur of the moment," Gina said. "An hour's drive." "I hope it was worth it," he said. "That's it," Gina said, pointing to a new Accord. "Thank you for the escort, Mr. Gregg." "Please," he said. "Jason." "Jason the bartender," Gina said. "That's me," he said. He turned to Dee Ann, "Will you two be coming back? I know it's not exactly your kind of place, but the regulars are really friendly when you get to know them." "Drumming up business?" Dee Ann teased. "Actually, I'd like to see you again," he said. Dee Ann wasn't sure what to say. The mood had changed suddenly, becoming more intimate. "I don't really date," she finally said. He nodded. "I understand." He moved back slightly. "No," she corrected. "You're very nice. I just don't date. Anybody." "But I'll bet you eat," he said. "So we could go to dinner and talk and it wouldn't have to be an actual date." "I don't..." she started. "I mean, I only dress when I go to clubs." "You don't dress for dinner?" he asked. "I've never..." "I know what you're saying," he said. "How about this: You can dress any way you like. I'll pick you up and we'll drive back here to a quiet little restaurant I know and we'll have dinner and we'll talk, and we'll see how that works." Dee Ann hesitated. This wasn't what she was after. She wanted to dress and go out and have fun with Gina. She didn't want a relationship. She looked at Gina, but her friend backed off, not wanting to push her. "I'll drive up here and meet you at the restaurant," Dee Ann said. "That works for me. Let me give you the address and my cell phone." Gina was uncharacteristically quite as they drove through town to the Interstate. Once on the highway Dee Ann said, "Well, what do you think?" "Probably a huge cock," Gina said. Dee Ann laughed. "Seriously?" Gina said. "Yes." "He's dreamboat status," Gina said. "He's a gentleman. He's successful. He's the right age and I'll bet he'll be fun to talk to." "I know all that," Dee Ann said. "But what about the date?" "It's not a date; it's dinner." "It's a date," Dee Ann said. "A date with an escape clause that can change it into two buds having a bite to eat, but it's still a date if I want it to be." "So do you want it to be?" "No." "Then it won't be," Gina said. "Jason doesn't strike me as the kind that will get out of line." "You never know," Dee Ann said. "Some psychopaths are charming." "And you really think that?" "No. I mean, it's a very, very remote possibility, but no I don't think that. What I do think is he wants in my panties." "That'll be totally up to you," Gina said. Dee Ann shifted in her seat. "What I'm having trouble with is that this date won't lead to anything. I won't let it. So what's the point? To make a new friend sixty miles away? I'm just misleading him and no good can come from it." "Not true," Gina said. "You're not misleading him. You made it clear, and he clearly understood it." "He doesn't want to get in my panties?" "Oh, of course he does! All men are sluts, even gentlemen; that's a given. But I really think he understands." "I agree with you," Dee Ann said. "Well, not that all men are sluts; all generalities are wrong; but he does understand. But then what's the point of the date? What's the point of any dating? Not the point, but you know what I mean. If there isn't some romantic involvement then you pick somebody you can be buds with." "Like you and me." "Sure. But the romance, the physical stuff, is part of dating. It's almost part of the definition of dating. And that's not going to happen, so why even start it." "Not everyone who dates has sex," Gina said. "Ginaaaa." "Well, there've got to be some who save it for marriage. But I get what you're saying, and I still don't think there's any harm in it." "You don't think it will end badly?" "It could evolve," Gina said. "I don't know. But you can't back off just because you can imagine a negative result." Dee Ann was silent. "Truthfully, I'm scared," she said after a bit. "I've never been out dressed, except to the club." "Bullshit," Gina said. "That's a phony reason. You're not thinking you can't pass. It'll be exciting." "Exciting and scary," Dee Ann said. "They go together. Why else do people pay to watch horror movies and go on thrill rides." "Because they're fifteen?" Chapter Four They had talked on the telephone so she knew to wear casual but not too casual. Easy enough for a guy, but she spent over an hour just going though her limited wardrobe, trying to find the right outfit. The problem was that most of her clothes had been purchased with clubbing in mind and they didn't fit the definition of "nice casual". Shopping for something new was difficult because she had to do it either over the web or drive to another city. Jason approved, though. In fact, he beamed when he saw her and got up to meet her halfway to his table. "You look beautiful," he said as he pulled out her chair. "Thank you," she said. She was afraid to say more; so much could go wrong and it was all so new to her. He seemed to understand that and from the start he tried to put her at ease. He supported the conversation without running off at the mouth, making menu suggestions and introducing her to the waitress whom he already knew. The woman was friendly and hesitated only a second when she looked at Dee Ann. Busted, Dee Ann thought, but then wasn't sure because the waitress took their orders, smiled as if she'd known both of them forever, and was off. "I'm a regular here," Jason explained. "At least for the last two years. I'm not much of a cook and this place is the closest to home cooking anywhere around." "I saw the sign," Dee Ann said. "I think you'll like it," he said. Dee Ann realized that he'd just told her he wasn't married and didn't have a live-in girlfriend or boyfriend, something that hadn't even crossed her mind. The menu was eclectic, something sure to appeal to a single guy who ate out a lot. You could keep coming back without getting tired of a single style. Food was grouped, as with most menus, but it ranged through Italian to Asian to Steaks to Home Cooked Style to Vegetarian and more. "Something for everyone," she said. "I didn't know what you'd like, so I figured this place pretty much has it all, and everything I've tried has been good." The not-a-date which was, of course, a date, took on all the characteristics of a date. Jason was attentive, he obviously wanted to please her, and he was charming without pushing it to excess. She was slightly reserved, mostly because of the newness of the whole thing, and smiled a lot. By the time they were relaxing over coffee their conversation had become much less self-conscious. He automatically picked up the check and she let him brush away her brief objection. He held her hand when they got up and kept it into the parking lot to her car. There was an awkward moment and she knew, or at least thought she did, that he wanted to invite her for a drink or maybe up to his place or at least kiss her goodnight. She would have said no to the last two and he seemed to know that, but she would have happily gone with him for a nightcap. In an I-wish-I-had-that-to-do-over-again she thought about the nightcap on the way home. The evening had been shorter than her round trip, and she lamented the fact that she hadn't been bold enough to suggest a drink herself. The dinner had flown by. Chapter Five "I've been thinking about it," Dee Ann said. She was home alone, curled up at the end of the couch, the phone pressed to her ear. "And I'm more sure than ever that it was pointless." "But you said you had a good time," Gina said. "I did. Jason's very nice. He's funny and polite and charming and all the things I wanted him to be, but so what? It's not going anywhere." "Do you want it to?" "No, I don't. I maybe did at the time, during dinner or in the parking lot. When I was driving home I wished I'd had the guts to suggest we go out for an after dinner drink. But the more I think about it, the more I'm glad I kept my mouth shut." "Because?" "Because what's the point? I would have just been leading him on. I enjoyed myself, but then I started to wonder just how much of that was the thrill of going out dressed to someplace other than the club. If I'd been going out two or three nights a week for a year would the evening have been so exciting? I don't think so." "Maybe and maybe not," Gina said. "You still would have enjoyed it, and what's wrong with enjoying it for a longer evening or at least another evening?" "He did ask if he could see me again." "No one ever says that if they don't find someone attractive and fun to be with," Gina said. "There you go," Dee Ann said. "It was really a date thing to say." "And you said?" "'Yes, I'd like that'," Dee Ann said. "I told him to call me during the week." "Yippee!" Dee Ann laughed. "You're not going to say no when he calls, are you?" "It's probably the wise thing to do. If I say yes our dates will get longer and more involved. You know that. Feelings could get hurt and I don't want an ugly scene, which is how those things end up." "So are you saying that you're not a girl?" Gina asked. "Wow. You know how to get to the heart of the matter, don't you? That's one thing I love about you." "One among many, I'm sure," Gina said. "Very many," Dee Ann said and they laughed. "So answer the question," Gina said. "I think I'm a girl," Dee Ann said. "With a dick, who doesn't want to have sex with anyone else who has a dick. But if I'm a girl I should be thinking more romantically - sexually - toward men, and I'm not." "I know you're a girl," Gina said, "and I envy you that." "You're not?" Dee Ann said. "I don't think so," Gina said. "I was thinking once: If there's some kind of formula where they mix a bunch of pink powders to make a girl and a bunch of blue powders to make a boy, then I think I got some combination. Half and half or something like that. Or sixty pink, forty blue. Yeah." "The best of both worlds," Dee Ann said. "Well, both worlds, anyway. But I know it's different with you. You don't have to tell me you're a girl. I know it." "Oh you do, huh? How?" "When I called, Dennis answered, but as soon as you found out it was me, I was talking to Dee Ann." "Well ...." "The point is that you become Dee Ann fast. Easier, I'll bet, than you become Dennis. Right?" "I think so. I never thought about it, but I think that's right." "The night we met at the club - you remember?" "Of course! I was so glad to meet somebody I could talk to. I felt vulnerable all by myself." "Me, too. But the point I wanted to make was that once we started talking you were totally relaxed, totally comfortable with Dee Ann." "I am," Dee Ann said. "And not so comfortable with being Dennis?" "Honestly? No, I'm not. Sometimes I think the dress up masquerade is Dennis, not Dee Ann. But I think...." "Wait! Let me get there," Gina said. "That tells me, along with all the things we've talked about in the last two months since we've known each other, that you are a girl." "Ah, the old girl born in a guy's body," Dee Ann said. "We've had this conversation before." "And you agreed." "I said I wasn't 100% sure," Dee Ann said. "I'm only Dee Ann for a short time, like a vacation. I'm not so sure I'd be comfortable as Dee Ann all the time." "Right. Well, I'm getting sure. I think you're like a bottle filled with water and then emptied out, and then filled with blue powder and emptied out. Sorry to belabor the analogy but it works. So the bottle has this thin coating of blue, and then the bottle is filled with pink powder. So you are..." she paused and they said it in unison, "A girl in a boy's body! Though Lord knows I've never seen it, and I've never seen you as anything but a girl, but you fit the role pretty damn naturally." "The role," Dee Ann said. "Bad choice of words," Gina said. "Look, I think you're a girl, period. And I think once you accept that you'll realize it, too." "Once I believe it, I'll believe it." "I didn't mean that. I'm not explaining myself well. Once you allow yourself to think that it's true I don't think you'll have the doubts that you have now. And that will mean it's true. I mean, you wrestle with it all the time, and when we talk you tell me that you feel more natural as a girl. But you won't let go." "You want me to fuck a guy," Dee Ann said. "Drew is a doll, and so is your Jason," Gina said. "Gina, I'm not interested," Dee Ann said. "I don't want to have sex with a man." "Honey, you have sex with a man every time you play with it. I'd think you'd be tempted to try one that belongs to somebody else. How about a man dressed as a sexy girl, like moi?" Gina kidded. "Thanks for the offer, Gina, but I don't want to have sex with anyone who has a dick. I just don't." "And you know my theory on that." "If I was a girl I'd want to go to bed with a guy, and you think I'm a girl and repressing my instincts because of society and the way I was brought up," Dee Ann said, as if she was reciting a slogan. "Right." "And I think it might also be because I have a dick," Dee Ann said. "So where does that leave us? It doesn't make sense, at least to me," Gina said. "I know." "But you're okay with it?" "Ah, but I'm not. That's the problem." "Some day we'll figure you out," Gina said. "I'm depending on you," Dee Ann said, "because I sure as hell can't do it, and I've been thinking about it for years. And as much as I liked going out with Jason I think he just complicates things." "Consider this," Gina said. "He may uncomplicated things. I mean, without a Jason in the picture we're just talking theory. I think this, you think that." "And on different days something else," Dee Ann half-joked. "Right. So now we have Jason. Do you think you can trust him? Any signs that he's just playing with you?" "I had my antennae up for that, believe me." "And?" "I trust him," Dee Ann said. "But now you consider this: We're talking about gay guys, or bi- guys, or whatever it is that Jason is. That skews the whole thing." "No it doesn't," Gina said. "You know you could pass with a straight guy." "Until I took off my clothes," Dee Ann said. "Is that what you want, a straight guy to fall for you?" "I'm just saying." "Let's say you go out with a straight guy and he falls in love with you. Okay? He falls in love with YOU. Not your body. He falls in love with you. Straight or gay, people fall in love with people. Sure, the physical comes into it, but people don't fall in love with a body. A gay guy or a bi-guy won't have a problem with your body, they'll like it, but a straight guy might. That's the only difference. We fall in love with people." "But it's not really Jason," Dee Ann said. "I agree with what you said, but that doesn't change me and the whole physical thing." "But you trust him?" "Yeah, I do." "Okay, then lay it out for him. The whole thing. Tell him what you feel about yourself - you can even use my blue and pink powders if that will work - no charge - and all the stuff we talked about: never dated a guy, never truly connected with girls you dated in the past, never in a romance, not wanting to have sex with anyone who has a dick, about not being 100% you're a girl or whatever you believe at the moment, and everything you can think of. "But don't forget to include him. It's not all about you. A relationship of any kind is about both people. Tell him you figure he wants to have sex with you as part of a relationship, and that you understand his desire and know that's how relationships are. And that's not going to happen and you'll both go away from it with bad feelings, and you don't want to do that to him or yourself. Tell him...I hope you're taking notes." Dee Ann laughed. "Wait I'll be back in a second and then start again." She put down the phone and retrieved a notebook and pen from the end table. "I don't think I can remember it all," Gina said, but by the time she'd finished there were all her initial thoughts and two more pages besides. "I'd feel like I'm giving him a lecture, not have an intimate, subtle, soul baring conversation about our inner selves." "There's a lot of important stuff in here, I may even put it in an article for one of those alternative weeklies." You wouldn't!" "I'd change the names," Gina said, "and the descriptions. I'd make Jason dumpy and bald." "You wouldn't dare!" "Just teasing," Gina said. "But you like the idea? "I think it's the most reasonable alternative I have," Dee Ann said. "It sure gets it all out there up front. I'll type it up and email it to you. Make any changes you like." "Maybe Ill just email it to him," Dee Ann said. "Oh, no. This sort of thing has to be read face to face. Not even the 'phone." "Then I guess I do go on a second date. I wasn't totally sure if I would or wouldn't but now I have to." "No, you don't," Gina said. "The point of this is to find out what a second date would be like, so see if he truly understands what you want, and if that's okay with him in a way that's okay with you. "Pointless." Dee Ass said. "Now why do you say that?" "Because this is a book. How can I give him something like this? We don't even know each other that well. People don't give each other stuff like this. And even if I did, we could talk it to death and both of us understand and agree, and the end result is that no relationship can come out of something like this. Certainly not the relationship he's probably wanting, with stay-overs and all of that. And certainly not the kind of relationship that I want because I can't even imagine a relationship I'd want." "Then write that down, too," Gina said. "If this has any chance it's got to start as the most open and honest relationship in all of recorded history. It'd probably be better if you could just talk to him about it, but we're got so much stuff here I don't think you could remember it all." "I could use it as notes. The relationship that can not be," Dee Ann said. "But the point is that it's pointless. Whether he reads it or not there won't be a relationship." "Okay, time for the big kicker," Gina said. The phone line went quiet for moment, and then she said, "Would you like another date with Jason just like last night's date? Except maybe you go to a bar afterwards, in your own cars, and talk a little more." "With no other expectations on either of our parts?" "Right; just like last night. Except over dinner he reads what we've just written about him and you." "After that I don't think there'd be a nightcap. He'd probably be sound asleep." "Go and find out," Gina said. "Look at it this way: If he reads it and sees he's not going to get laid, and getting laid is a vital part of a relationship for him, it's pretty much over, the same decision you're about to make without even trying." "He may think the whole thing just got too heavy to get involved with, or on the other side he may not believe it," Dee Ann said. "I think he will, but let's say he doesn't. Then he'll try to argue you out of it. Politely, I'd guess from what you told me about him, but he'd still try to change your mind once he knew for sure that your position wasn't something he could see himself involved in." "So we have a break-up fight even before we start going together." Dee Ann said. "Better early than late," Gina said, "then neither party has that much of an emotional investment." "But you don't think this is kind of a little weird: Here, read this long thing about the future of our light-hearted, spontaneous, romance. Yuck." "And your better way is ...?' "It's simple. Not go when he asks," Dee Ann said. "I think I know you pretty well and I don't think that's what you really want because where does that get you? Friday nights at the club. Lots of fun, I agree. But you're not going to get any answers about yourself there, and this way you've got someone sixty miles away, and if it doesn't work out chances are you'll never see him again in your life." "You know, this date thing only adds to my confusion; it doesn't help it. Sometimes I think I should just throw my hands in the air and say the hell with it," Dee Ann said. "And then...?" Dee Ann laughed. "And then - take my damn hands out of the air and try to figure out this mess that's me." Chapter Six "You're going to think you're out with a nutcase," Dee Ann said. They'd just finished dinner and were having coffee. "Oh?" "I think there are some things we need to talk about, but I wanted to be sure you understood so I..." No, she couldn't hand him the pages she had tucked into her purse. That would be ridiculous. "Okay," he said. "It sounds like it's important. Maybe we should go somewhere more private." "That would be good," Dee Ann said. "My place?" She made a face. "Someplace else." "Hmm. Well, I've got a small office at the club. Herman and I share it but he won't be there tonight. How's that sound?" "Herman?" "One of my partners." "Actually, that sounds perfect." "Good," he said, his mood lightening. "It's not fancy; very utilitarian." "I'm sure it'll be fine," she said, smiling at him. *** *** "I don't know what to say," Jason said. "I know. I'm sorry," Dee Ann said. "It's really my problem and I shouldn't have bothered you with it." "No, no," Jason said. "I'm glad you did. I was confused myself and I think I understand now." "What were you confused about?" "I guess the same thing you are," he said. "You're very attractive and it seemed strange that you had never dated anyone. Certainly it wasn't from lack of opportunity. And then you made it clear that you weren't interested in the physical aspects of a relationship, so that kind cleared it up a little. But it left the question of Why? You were pretty confident at the bar so I figured you'd been dressing for a while and you didn't strike me as just a tease. Then you seemed to enjoy our first date and accepted a second, but made it clear that you didn't really date. You were kind of a mystery." "I'm sorry," she said. "Look, you don't have anything to be sorry about," he said. "You didn't have to take my feelings into consideration and explain everything. You could have just said forget about it and not taken my calls. And you sure didn't have to tell me everything you've told me." She laughed ruefully. "And bored you to tears." "C'mon, stop putting yourself down," he said. "I appreciate you being so considerate and so open. I just don't know what to do about it." "Join the party. My friend Gina - at the bar?..." He nodded. "She and I talk about it sometimes. But there doesn't seem to be an answer." "Sure there is," he said. "We just haven't thought of it yet." She shrugged. There was a silence and she finally said, "Well, I'd better be going," and stood up. "Please don't rush off," he said. "I really like being with you, talking to you, and I don't want this to end." "I think I should go." She felt talked out. "Please," he said. "Sit down. Just for a minute." She looked at him, considering, then sat back on the couch. "I know this is huge for you, and I don't mean to trivialize it, but do you think it's possible just to ignore it for a while? I mean... You said you think about it a lot and you just said you and Gina talk about it, trying to figure it out. Well, a lot of times when I have decisions to make sometimes I just stop thinking about it and an idea, an answer, will pop into my head. You know what I mean?" "Sure. I probably should stop thinking about it all the time," she said. "It's just that it's such a big part of me - it is me. It affects everything and I can't avoid it. Like with us, it's something that jumps in my face all the time." "Doesn't it really boil down to you asking whether or not you're a girl, and if you are why you don't want to get physical with a guy? Or is that too simplified? Help me understand." "Gina said that was it, and I suppose you're right. It just seems so much more complex. I mean, I'm not even sure that the second part goes with the first part." "You mean...?" "I mean considering..." She waved at her crotch. "It's the body and mind. I'm a girl; I really feel that and I believe it...most of the time. But I don't have the body for it." "You're more attractive than 95% of the girls I see, and I see a lot of attractive women," he said. "Well thank you, but when I get undressed I don't look like a girl anymore." "So you want to have sex with your clothes on?" he said. When he saw that raised only a weak smile he said, "Sorry. I shouldn't joke." "That's okay. I joke with Gina about the same thing." He was silent for a moment, and then asked, "Do you like being with me?" She nodded. "Yes." "So you'll have dinner with me again next weekend? Maybe go to a movie?" She shook her head. "It will come to a bad end." "Not for me; not after all you've told me tonight. I know it can end any time and I understand why," he said. "And nothing physical." "And you don't want to get in my panties?" she said with a smile. "Of course I do!" he laughed. "But you decide. If you come to a point where you want to hug, then we'll hug. If you want to kiss, we'll kiss." "Et cetera," she said with a smile. "Et cetera," he agreed, smiling back. "And if I come to a point where I need to have more in our relationship than you're willing to do, I'll let you know." "Pressure," she said. "Not at all," he said. "No pressure; that's the point. You're in charge." "Ooooh, I get to be the boy!" They laughed. "What's going to happen is that nothing will happen and eventually you'll want it to happen more than you'll want our relationship to continue, and then I'll feel pressured." "Maybe," he said, "but now that we're so keenly aware of that I think we can change things before that happens." "And just be friends?" "Exactly." She shook her head as if to clear her brain. "We'd have to be two really extraordinary people to bring that off." He grinned, "We are." Chapter Seven "You didn't leave it like that!" Gina cried. "What happened next? C'mon, give." "Well, I hugged him goodnight and we made a date for dinner and a movie next Sunday," Dee Ann said. "I knew it!" Gina said. "Oh, Dee Ann, this one's a keeper." "I'm going to call him and cancel," Dee Ann said. "Ohhhh, Dee Ann! Why?" "When I'm with Jason I end up somehow agreeing to keep seeing him," Dee Ann said, "and then when I'm back home I have a rational voice that throws up the same argument: I don't want to have a relationship with a guy." "But it doesn't have to involve sex, and I know that's what you're afraid of," Gina protested. "So we'll be friends," Dee Ann said. "Listen, I only started dressing at home once I got old enough for my own place. Then I started going to the club and I met you after a couple weeks. So I've been taking some pretty big steps in a pretty short time. I've got to slow down." Gina was silent for a moment. "Hmmm," she said. "Hmmm? What does that mean?" "You're thinking about having a relationship. Maybe not right now, but you're thinking about it." "Well, it's kind of right in front of me, isn't it? You know me; I'm flighty. I go back and forth," Dee Ann said. "But this is new," Gina said. "Maybe," Dee Ann said. "There's just no way to work it out." "You mean in such a way that sex doesn't come up?" "Yeah. Not just sex but the whole romance thing." "What if you had tits?" "What? Where the hell did that come from?" "From me," Gina said. "Before Drew I always thought that if I ever got naked with a guy that it would pop the illusion and be a disaster. 'The Crying Game' thing. I was so afraid of that." "But it didn't?" "Well, I think it helped that Drew was gay, or at least bi," Gina said. "That was probably a factor in why I chose him as The One. I'm sure it was. But he knew what he was getting and he was okay with that." "And Lars is gay?" "Bi," Gina said. "I know a girl he dated so it's true. How about Jason?" "I don't know," Dee Ann said. "I guess he's gay. He owns a gay club and he's single and he wants to get in my panties." "Maybe not," Gina said. "Maybe he's sort of straight and he just likes girls like us and that's why he got into the club. Maybe he started the girls' night to attract us into his lair." "You say that like you're kidding but that may be true," Dee Ann said. "I never thought of that." "I was kidding," Gina said. "That'd be going pretty far for a piece of ass." "Maybe." "Forget it. It's just an excuse to back out, and it doesn't matter if he's straight, gay or bi - he is what he is, and he likes you. People are what they are. I think you complicate things too much." "That's what Jason said," Dee Ann said. "Not so bluntly, but in so many words. He said we should simplify the problem and then we'd find a solution." "Whoa, if that isn't guy talk... It's a problem and I'll find a solution, dear." "Hey, he was very nice about it." "I'm sure he was, but you know as well as I do that that's male thinking," Gina said. "But it doesn't matter. We're getting off track. My opinion, which you already know, is that you should go out with Jason, and if you reach a point where sex seems appropriate then you can say yes or no then. In the meantime you'll be dating a nice guy." "Delay the decision you mean." "Why not?" Gina said. "You said he understood about the no sex part, so what's the problem?" Dee Ann laughed. "He said we could have sex with our clothes on. It was just a joke and I didn't think it was funny. It made me nervous. But I laughed on the way home." "There you go! Just give him head and don't take off a thing." "Gina!" Dee Ann said. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Okay, look, I've got to let you go. A million things to do," Gina said. "Are you going out with him again or not?" Dee Ann sighed. "Maybe once more." Chapter Eight On their fifth date Jason took Dee Ann to his apartment. It was larger and looked more settled than she expected. It didn't have the Spartan, guy's first apartment look; nor was it filled with tons of stereo and computer gear; and it didn't look like a place where he did any entertaining. She looked for signs of a macho man cave but didn't find them. Neither did she see signs of an over sensitive or artistic nature. It was simply a very nicely furnished apartment. If anything, it showed that he had moderately expensive tastes. He had promised her they'd just have a drink, maybe watch a movie, and then he would take her back to her car. And that's what they did. They sat on his couch, his arm around her, and watched something on HBO with too many special effects but solid acting. She had to work the next morning and still had the drive back home so when the movie ended they talked for a bit and then he drove her to her car. In the parking lot he said he'd like to kiss her and she nodded. On their previous date he'd held her, kissing her neck and below her ear. She truly appreciated his glacially slow advancement of that part of their relationship, but still, the idea of a mouth to mouth kiss that would probably involve tongues seemed like a huge step to her. Driving home on the dark interstate she relived the kiss. It had involved tongues, in a gentle way, and she was surprised that she felt okay about that. Familiarity played a part, an important part she was sure. She felt comfortable around him and trusted him. More, she liked him. A lot. There was an absence of the tension and pressure she'd always felt with other guys, the ones who had asked her to dance at the club and then tried to keep her on the dance floor and rub against her during slow songs. She used that example when she talked about her date with Gina. "Oh I know," Gina said. "It's like they want a dry hump right there on the dance floor and you don't even know them." "A lot of guys are okay being intimate with strangers," Dee Ann said. "Not this girl," Gina said. "No," Dee Ann said. She paused and then said. "I kissed him. Or, rather, he kissed me and I kissed him back." "Tongues?" Gina asked. "The questions you ask!" Dee Ann said. "Yes, tongues." "Did he get stiff?" "You're just doing that to get me going," Dee Ann said. Gina laughed. "Couldn't resist it. Well, how was it?" "It was nice." "Oooh, there's a recommendation. Nice." "Well what did you expect?" Dee Ann said. "It was odd, but I liked it. It was nice." "Nice is good," Gina said. "Another date?" "Yes. I can't seem to say no." "Why should you?" "Gina, am I getting in over my head? Be serious for a minute," Dee Ann said. "Honey, I don't think so," Gina said. "He's going at your pace and never stepping out of line, right?" "Right." "Well, if I was going to design a plan for my best friend's life I couldn't come up with anything better than what you've got. Jason's deserves a medal for patience and you're a lucky girl. I'm rooting for you, Dee Ann." "I know you are, Gina. The problem, and this won't be new to you, is that it seems to be progressing to an inevitable conclusion, and I don't want to go there," Dee Ann said. "In your plan, how does it end?" "Happily ever after, of course," Gina said. "Like a fairy tale." "Like a fairy tale," Gina agreed. "Thank you," Dee Ann said. "I'm lucky to have you as a friend. So tell me, friend, how's it going with Lars?" "Wellllll. Okay. It seems he's a little more gay and a little less bi than I thought he was." "Oh?" "Yeah. He wants to give me head more often than he wants me to do him. And now he's hinting about me poking him while I'm dressed." "You don't sound too crazy about that," Dee Ann said. "Well, I like being the girl," Gina said. "I'm finding out that I'm more girl than I thought I was. What did I say with the pink and blue powder - fifty-five percent pink or something like that? Sixty percent, I think. Well, I think it's probably seventy-five percent." "Really?" "Surprised me, too." "So what does that mean?" "Well, for one thing if my dear Lars keeps hinting that he wants to be a bottom, as I'm sure he will, I just might start looking for another guy." "Oh, I'm sorry, Gina. I thought you guys were going to work out so well." "So did I," Gina said. "It's my fault. I didn't really know myself as well as I thought I did. So I have him to thank for that, and we'll still be friends because we really like each other and we've got a lot in common. We might even work this out and keep dating. Who knows? But it's given me something to think about." "I hope it works out," Dee Ann said. "Either way is good," Gina said. "But I hope it does, too." Chapter Nine Over the 'phone Jason had said that it made more sense for him to drive to her town then for her to drive to his. "I don't have to work in the mornings so I can drive back and sleep in," he said. "And the man should have to go to the trouble, not the girl. Unless you'd rather not go out where you live?" "That's the thing," she said. "I'm pretty sure I won't run into anyone from work when I go to the club with Gina, but I don't go anywhere else here in town." "Makes sense," Jason said. "Though I guess if you wanted to come here we could order in and rent a movie," she said. "Sure. Saturday, about ... eight?" "Eight would be good," she said. "See you then." *** *** "Help!" "What is it?" Gina asked, concern in her voice. "He's coming here! Saturday," Dee Ann said. "What do I do?" "Be there," Gina said. "That's about all a girl has to do. That, and spend about two hours putting her face on and getting dressed. Where are you going?" "Nowhere," Dee Ann said. "I don't want to run into anybody. We're doing take out and a movie rental." "So what's the problem?" Dee Ann paused. "Maybe it's time you saw my apartment." "Oh? A little macho, is it?" "Not really," Dee Ann said. "But not feminine. Sort of neutral. It could use some feminine touches. Do you have anything you could loan me?" "I'll stop on the way and pick up a box of Tampax." Gina said. "That'll confuse the hell out of him!" Dee Ann laughed. "I've got a few things I keep in the bedroom," Gina said. "I figure if anyone got that far they wouldn't be surprised." "You're wonderful," Dee Ann said. "I know," Gina replied. *** *** "Well?" "I'm always telling you about Jason and me," Dee Ann said. "How about you and Lars?" "Well, I told you we had a date Saturday, too? And it was very, very nice. We went out with another couple, friends of his that he's mentioned. He's a jazz fan so we went to a little club on the south side that had a quartet he liked. A ritzy place, actually, though the neighborhood was just middle class shops and stuff." "South side, as in Italian?" Dee Ann asked. "My people," Gina laughed. "Great food, but tiny drinks. Ita