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_elf Storage by Janice Dreamer Colin creeped through the EZ-pass lane onto the Chesapeake Bay bridge. He swerved around a minivan crammed with beach paraphernalia whose driver was too distracted by screeching kids to move when a gap opened in front of him. He automatically cursed all the Balti-morons who created summer traffic hell in his rural stretch of Maryland nestled between the bay and the ocean resort towns. Especially on his homeward commute after a grueling workday. On Friday afternoon. On the Fourth of July weekend. Colin stuck his head out the window to get a better look at the traffic ahead on the bridge. Damn. He knew it was going to be bad but this was ridiculous. Cars were bumper to bumper, stopping and starting as far as he could see. Sighing in resignation he fumbled in the console for a CD and slid it into the slot in the dashboard. Might as well settle in for a slow ride home, he thought. He touched the volume control on his F450's steering wheel and Blake Shelton and Trace Adkins blared out "We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside, no matter where you from you just can't hide it..." Yeah man! The weekend was here at last. Now he had a couple days for attitude adjustment before it all started again on Monday. Colin felt a smile tugging the corner of his mouth and he began singing along, "... when the band starts banging and..." Shit! The sync display showed the call was from Dina, his fiancee. He sighed and hit the phone button. "Hey Dee." "Colin? Where are you, Babe?" "Just getting on the bridge. Traffic sucks." "Um, Sweetie? You know what time it is? I thought you were going to get off early today?" "I know, I know," Colin muttered. "Big John had a burr up his ass or something today. He reamed me good cause I was taking so long finishing up a ring job on a Cummins." There was a long pause before Dina said, "But hadn't you already put in to take off early?" Colin sighed. She just didn't get it. "Hon, I couldn't leave until I was done the engine. Not after my boss chewed me out for it." "Well I would think he'd understand you had plans. And you should have kept your promise to come home early. I've been running myself ragged trying to organize this move..." She broke off as her voice grew thick with emotion. "Now Dee..." "You act like you don't *want* to move in together." "Of course I want to Dee! You know I do," Colin had predicted this argument as soon as he had to stay late, but what else could he do? Dina'd had a privileged upbringing as the only child of wealthy parents. She had a pHd and was director of research for an up and coming biotech company. Dina had more money than she knew what to do with and pretty much set her own hours. She simply didn't understand why he couldn't do the same. "Well you've got a funny way of showing it," she huffed. "Dee don't be like that. I'll be home soon and we can start getting stuff ready for the yard sale then." "No, *you* can start getting ready for the yard sale; I have a migraine. I don't know why you insist on this tacky yard sale anyway, why not just donate everything to Goodwill?" "We've been through this before, Dee," Colin struggled to keep the exasperation out of his voice. "I can't afford to pass up the chance to make some money from this. The move is going to cost me plenty as it is." "And I've said over and over that I've got enough money for both of us." "But I can't take your money; that's not how I roll, you know that," Colin sighed. He could almost recite both sides of this recurring argument in his sleep. "Fine. Mr. Macho has to stand on his own two feet. Since you obviously don't want my help I'm spending the evening with Mother and Daddy." "Aw Dee, I was really hoping to see you tonight." "Prove it Colin. Prove you want to see me. Prove you want to move in together. Sort through your apartment and pack what you want to keep and get the rest ready for your precious yard sale. Call me when you're done but not before," she disconnected before he had a chance to reply. * * * * * Dina pressed down on the disconnect button on her cell. It just wasn't as satisfying as slamming down an old fashioned telephone receiver. God, that man knew how to gall her! Why couldn't he accept her help? It wasn't like she never accepted his help -- that was how they met, for heaven's sake. Dina smiled tenderly as she thought back to that first meeting. She was roaring down the highway weaving in and out of traffic when a quivering rattle shook her BMW Z4 and she heard a thumping noise that alarmed her. She pulled over, got out and glared at a flat tire. Who knew that the tire pressure warning light meant get air *immediately*? She'd only been driving on it for a week. Of course it couldn't have happened at a worse time; she was expected at an important meeting with the FDA on a new drug that was in clinical trials. It was blazing hot and humid, a typical Maryland Eastern Shore summer day. Cars whizzed by sending gritty hot exhaust laden gusts that buffeted her. A trickle of sweat ran down the back of her neck. She was dressed in a short summer weight business suit and Gucci stiletto sandals. Several tendrils of hair worked free from her perfect French braid and whipped annoyingly in her face. Her skirt fluttered dangerously in the wind and she struggled to prevent giving the passing motorists a free show. As she bent over preoccupied with the wayward skirt her sandals slid in the loose gravel and a heel snapped. "Shit!" Dina yanked off the broken shoe and flung it as hard as she could into the woods. "Shit! Shit! Shiiiiiit!" she screamed in frustration. Then a jolt of pain hit as a sharp bit of gravel dug into her bare foot and she did an awkward little dance from high heel to bare foot trying to regain her balance. She swung her leg back and aimed a vicious kick at the traitorous tire only to fall flat on her butt with a throbbing stubbed toe and shattered dignity. Feeling utterly defeated Dina leaned her head back against the BMW's fender and gave in to a flood of tears. She didn't know how long she sat there wallowing in self pity. Cars and trucks roared by only a few feet away and threw grit and dust all over her. No one stopped. She was just beginning to regain enough composure to think about getting her cell and calling a mechanic when her prince arrived. With a bone rattling roar from its powerful diesel an enormous pickup truck with dual wheels on the back pulled off the road directly in front of her car. She listlessly turned her head and saw its gleaming black driver's side door swing open. A denim clad leg emerged shod in a worn cowboy boot and planted itself on the ground. This was followed by a lean muscular body with a tight sexy butt and broad powerful shoulders. Finally the man turned and she felt her heart skip a beat as she caught sight of his handsome square-jawed face. Afterwards Dina would tell all her friends her first impression: a modern day knight in faded jeans and tight fitting Rascal Flats tee shirt riding to the rescue in his shining truck. "Excuse me, Miss," this fantasy come to life spoke in a pleasantly deep bass rumble with a hint of Boston accent. "Are you all right?" Dina stared up at him with her mouth open a moment before it dawned on her that he was talking to her. "Um, yes... I mean no... my tire's flat..." Her tongue felt thick and her face was aflame. "Well, let me take a look." He held out a large hand expectantly. After she simply stared at his outstretched hand a moment he reached down to take her hand and pull her to her feet. "Thanks," she murmured. She briefly stumbled on her one high heel and her breasts brushed up against his chest. A tingling flash of electricity shot through her at the accidental contact and she blushed even deeper. "Steady there," he said with a note of concern. He caught her by the elbows and held her firmly. "Are you sure you're okay?" "Yes, I'm fine," she breathed shakily. "Just a little rattled is all." She rubbed the back of her hand against her cheek and saw the smudge of mascara and dirt. Oh my God, she thought aghast, "I'm sorry, I must look hideous." He smiled showing brilliant white teeth and offered her a clean bandana from his hip pocket. "Not at all, you look very nice. I'm Colin, by the way." "Th... thanks, Colin. I'm Dina," she said, while thinking 'nice'?! I don't want him to think I look 'nice'. I want him to think I look *hot*! She reached down to pull her other sandal off and tossed it casually aside. Standing on tiptoe she summoned up her sexiest smile, breathed deeply to inflate her cleavage and gave his arm a gentle squeeze. "Thanks for stopping to help. I really do appreciate it." "Well... um..." Now it was Colin's turn to be flustered. "You're welcome, Dina. Now let's take care of this tire for you." Dina watched as he changed the tire in short order. She admired the way he worked competently with a sureness and economy of motion. His muscles bunched impressively and she idly wondered what it would feel like to be held in those strong, sure arms. It was almost hypnotic watching his big powerful body and she found herself sighing wistfully. She was so lost in her daydreams that the job was complete and she was still gazing like a silly schoolgirl with a first crush. She jerked herself back to reality as he straightened up from tightening the wheel lugs. "Thanks so much," she said, offering him a hundred dollar bill she'd hurriedly fished from her wallet while he was re-stowing the jack. Colin frowned slightly at the proffered payment. "That's not necessary, it was my pleasure." He gently folded her fingers closed around the money in her outstretched hand. She silently cursed herself. Of course he didn't want to be paid. Look at that truck; it was brand new and probably cost almost as much as her BMW. "Well, I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't stopped." With an ironic grin and a pointed glance at her expensive little sports car he added, "I'm sure you'd have remembered to call your roadside assistance plan sooner or later." "Oh. Duh." She slapped her forehead and smiled sheepishly. "I guess I wasn't thinking too clearly. Stress. I've got an important meeting this morning. Which is all the more reason I'd like to do something nice to thank you." He looked at her and hesitated, as if calculating the odds. Finally he responded with affected indifference. "Well... if you'd like... I mean if you're not doing anything... um... we could have dinner sometime. Or not. Or coffee if you'd rather. Or... um..." Dina giggled and reached out to place her index finger over his lips, stopping him. He was so endearingly shy and *cute* she just couldn't help herself. She quickly put him out of his misery. "I'd *love* to go to dinner with you, Colin," she said breathily. The look on his face was priceless. Dina didn't realize it at the time, but it was the first slip in her long, long tumbling fall into love. Dina smiled fondly; it was one of her favorite memories. She almost reached for her cell to call Colin and tell him she would come over to his place tonight after all. He was such a dear man. But then she remembered how stubbornly he'd stuck to his ridiculous macho pride insisting on paying at least half the expenses on their new place. He could just stew in his pride all alone, she thought. She had her pride too. * * * * * The music came back on when the call ended and Colin cranked it even louder in a vain effort to get back into the weekend mood. Damn but that woman could be infuriating. Why did she never see his point of view? He just wouldn't be a man if he let his girlfriend take care of him. It was going to be tight paying his share of the expenses in the brand new waterfront condo Dee insisted on buying for their "love nest". Of course she just brushed his objections aside, saying *she* could afford the mortgage payments and if he hadn't saddled himself with an extravagantly macho (and expensive!) diesel pickup he wouldn't be so strapped financially. What could he say to that? She definitely had a point that his truck payments were exorbitant. But she couldn't understand his need for the baddest truck on the road; it was an integral part of his persona. So they were at an impasse: neither would budge from their position. Which meant he needed to raise as much cash as he could by selling his old stuff. Dee had flatly vetoed any of his furnishings accompanying him on the move to the condo. So he had his whole apartment to go through. Although it was a big job, on the bright side he'd have more things for a yard sale. And it was just as well, Colin reflected, that she wasn't helping him. He had some things he wanted to keep against her wishes. And others he wanted to keep private. Very, very private. But how to do it was going to be some trick. As these thoughts circled in his mind he drove on autopilot. Half unconsciously he noticed the run down self storage facility coming up on the right side of the road. A casual passerby might not even realize anything was behind a row of trees bordering a rickety chain link fence overgrown with vines. Closer inspection revealed a small collection of low buildings each with multiple garage door type openings. On the side of the storage unit closest to the road was a cracked and faded sign with a missing letter: "Eastern Shore _elf Storage". For Colin it was a familiar landmark, denoting he was almost home. That's it, he thought, he could rent a storage unit to stash his treasures without Dee being any the wiser. Immediately he slowed and turned at the nearest side road and began looking for the entrance to the facility. He took a right onto a service road that paralleled the main highway behind the lot. This road was eerily deserted with dark tangled woods bordering on the left while on the right trees had grown up along the fence-line obscuring the storage buildings altogether. It looked like the road hadn't been maintained in decades, consisting of more pot holes than pavement as well as spots where the trees hung so low their branches brushed the roof of his pickup. He kept looking but didn't see a way inside and soon the road had looped around and he was back at the highway. Weird, he thought, but there had to be a way in. He retraced his route, slowing to a crawl. Finally as he passed a pair of huge ancient oaks, a casual glance in his rear view revealed an opening cutting diagonally back between the trees. No wonder he'd missed it the first time, it was only by shear luck that he saw it now. Rather than a proper driveway, gravel wheel ruts with weeds sprouting up in between wove back toward the storage buildings. He pulled up in front of a small cinder block building. Rust stains streaked the formerly whitewashed walls tracing the path of years of rainwater shed from the corroded tin roof. A sign hung crookedly over the door said this was the office. Colin stepped from the F-450 into an eerie silence; not a bird chirped, no highway noise, not even the rustle of wind disturbed the stillness. Eerily the hairs on the back of his neck prickled and he turned to look over his shoulder, feeling unseen eyes watching him. He shrugged, muttering self-deprecatingly, "Settle down boy, it's not the Twilight Zone." He pushed open the door and stepped into a cluttered room. Behind a counter that separated the majority of the space from the entrance there was all kinds of odd junk spilling off shelves, heaped on tables, and haphazardly piled in the corners. It looked like a tornado had swept up a trailer park and deposited the whole shebang right here. A tall thin young man with shoulder length blond hair lolled back in a worn desk chair. His sandaled feet were propped up on an old fashioned roll top desk piled high with disorganized stacks of papers. He was absorbed in a hand held game that emitted squawks and beeps as his thumbs rattled over the buttons. "Sweet Mother!" the young man exclaimed as a spectacular series of explosions filled the air. His right hand released its death grip on the game long enough for a triumphant fist pump. Then he stiffened and hunched forward slightly, immersing even deeper into the game. His back was half turned to the door and he was oblivious to Colin's presence. "Excuse me?" Colin rapped his knuckles on the counter top to get his attention. "Begorra!" the boy's feet flew from the desk, his arms flailing wildly, and he almost tipped over backwards before managing to catch his balance. He swiveled toward the source of the interruption and jumped up when he saw Colin. He seemed all arms and legs, thrumming with pent up energy. "Holy Mother of All! Dude, don't sneak up like that." He glanced quickly at the game which had begun sounding ominous chords of defeat. "Roc piss! Look what you made me do." He held up the device so that Colin could see its screen flashing Game Over. "I didn't mean to scare you." "Yeah, well. I almost had a high score. Damn..." He trailed off and seemed to do a double take; as if really seeing Colin for the first time. He peered at Colin through squinted eyes, running his gaze up and down as if he couldn't figure out what to make of him. Eventually a tiny grin slowly grew but he didn't share the joke. He simply stared at Colin in amused silence. "Sorry, I ah..." Colin felt off balance, like an interloper. Like smart assed teens everywhere, the boy had the ability to make adults feel out of touch. Now that he had a better look, he realized the boy was barely even a teenager. Or was he even a boy? He was oddly androgynous, tall and gangling, with pale perfectly translucent skin. No breasts. Also no Adam's apple. A ragged Jethro Tull tee shirt hung loosely on his thin frame, falling low enough over his jeans to cover any evidence of gender. Colin decided to go with male; his attitude, stance and manner of speaking all seemed more masculine than feminine. Colin refrained from speculating further. For all he knew this kid was just here to answer the phone until someone else showed up. Whatever, it wasn't his problem; he was here for his own reason. He shrugged off the feeling of awkwardness and drew an air of superiority around him like a cloak. He raised an eyebrow sardonically. "Do you work here?" he asked a bit snidely. "Dude, seriously? How'd you get past the glamour..." The kid stopped himself. His grin grew wider, as if he'd thought of something much more fun. His voice dripped honey as he changed tack, "Er... I mean, is there something I can do for you?" "I wanted to see what your rates were," Colin said, suspicious that the kid was pulling something on him. "Our rates?" the kid asked, clueless, his eyes twinkling with humor. "For a storage unit?" "Oh. Duh." The kid paused, his large nearly colorless eyes shifted around the room, looking everywhere but back at Colin. "Our rates." "You do rent storage space, don't you?" An edge of exasperation creeping into his voice. "We... Uh..." He suppressed a snicker. As if the concept were hilarious. Finally his eyes flicked back to meet Colin's. He nodded slowly. "Storage space. Yes. Yes, we do rent storage space." "Okay, now we're getting somewhere. How much do you charge?" "Well now that depends. Do you have any warm sweet cream?" the boy asked with a perfectly straight face. "Are you nuts?" Colin glanced up, wondering if he was being punked, and checking for a camera. "What kind of a joke is this?" "So... no cream, then?" The boy waited with an expectant tilt of the head until Colin shook his head no. "Okay... Well then, what else? How about silver? We accept silver." "As in money?" Colin sighed, deciding to play along. It might even turn out to be fun if they were recording this. "Yes, I have money." "Cool. Hang on dude, I just need to find..." He held up a finger, then began rummaging through a pile of papers on the desk. After quite a lot of searching accompanied by low muttering, he pulled out a yellowed document from the middle of a stack. "Here it is. Let's see... How about five pence a month?" "Five cents? You rent a space for a nickel a month?!" "Not cents. Pence. Silver pence. Keep up dude." Colin rolled his eyes. There just had to be a reality show filming this. "And how much would that be in American money?" "Sheeze, Dude, do I look like a calculator?" "No, but that thing does, sort of anyway." Colin angled his head toward an antique machine that looked like a cross between an old cash register and adding machine half buried under papers. His voice rose in a comical whine. "Really? You expect me to use *that* to figure out..." "You work here Dilbert, not me. I'm the customer, remember?" Colin interrupted sarcastically. His patience was running thin. "Oh yeah, right. Duh, how stupid of me," the kid actually laughed out loud. "Give me a minute. And it's Ells, not Dilbert." He pushed the stack of papers to the side and stared down a bit dubiously at the dusty machine. "Is that with an 'E' or just a couple of L's?" Colin asked, trying to imitate the kid's mocking tone. "You figure it out, Mr. Customer. Now lemme see here... Twelve pence in a shilling... twenty shillings to the pound..." He pulled a lever like a slot machine's and a tin sheet with the answer popped up in the window on top of the machine. Ells smiled at Colin and said, "That would be 45 grams of silver." Thanks to snippets of financial news that seemed to permeate 21st century life, Colin vaguely knew the price of silver was somewhere between $30 and $40 an ounce. And an ounce was around 30 or 40 grams. He did a quick mental calculation: the price was doable -- just barely. But then it ought to be considering the condition of the facility. "Fine." He frowned, trying not to appear overeager. "I'll take a unit. For a year to start." "Whoa! Slow your roll Mario," the kid said with an exaggerated jerk of his head while he pushed the air with slow down hand gestures. "First we gotta fill out the paperwork." Ells dragged out a thick leather bound ledger and propped it up on the counter at the front of the office. He flipped halfway through until he found his place. Colin blinked in disbelief as the young man took a quill, of all things, from an inkwell and paused with it poised on the page. "Name?" "Colin O'Brien." He scribbled in the ledger, the quill making a scratching noise. "Race?" "White." "I don't need your color. What race are you?" Colin paused for a second, he'd thought white was accepted nowadays. "Okay, to be technical, Caucasian." Ells glanced over the top of the book and spoke as if to a particularly annoying lame brain. "Not your breed, Dufe, your *race*. You know... your species?" "Well, I'm human, of course," Colin snapped. "Isn't it obvious?" "Looks can be deceiving, don'tcha know? Take me for example," Ells said with a wink. He returned his attention to the ledger. "So... human just as I thought," he murmured while writing. He was doing quite a lot of writing to enter seemingly simple information, Colin thought. Finally he looked up. "Birthday?" "November 11th," Colin began then paused to allow Ells time to write. "That's good, just the day." Ells help up a hand before Colin mentioned the year. He wrote while muttering under his breath, "Born on the eleventh day of the eleventh month... very good. Birthplace?" "Doolin in County Clare, Ireland. My parents moved here before I turned one." "Ah ha, Irish are you? Now we're getting somewhere." He paused with his pen at the ready and said, "Being Irish you must be baptized Catholic then?" Colin felt heat suffuse his cheeks; the question had hit an old nerve. "These are pretty damn personal questions for a rental agreement. Why do you need to know all this?" "Oh you know," Ells' reply was uttered mechanically without any forethought. "Frickin' Dwarves, Haflings and Sprites with all their rules and record keeping. You'd think the anal little twits would give it a rest." "What the hell are you talking about?" Ells' face went blank. "Haven't you heard of DHS?" he asked innocently. "They're always nosing around. Very suspicious bunch." "Yah. Makes sense I guess." Colin was somewhat mollified; it was the government, what can you do? Since the Patriot Act Homeland Security seemed to have a free reign. But to be fair, terrorists stockpiling bombs or whatnot in storage units did seem like a real possibility. "In that case, the answer is no, I wasn't baptized Catholic." "Oh? Protestant then?" "No." Colin felt himself blushing even hotter. "So, Jewish? Muslim? Buddhist?" "No, none of those either." Colin was being purposely obtuse but he couldn't hide his flaming cheeks. "Just put down none." "Look, Dude, I got all day. You're holding something back and DHS have ways of finding things out." Ells ran two fingers over the edge of the counter and closely examined the tips. "Faerie dust, just the ticket." He smiled wickedly then blew the dust in Colin's face. "If you want the space you'd better 'fess up." "Okay, okay." Colin blew his cheeks out. Inexplicably he found himself trusting this weird kid with an old family legend. "My father always said that he dedicated me and my older sisters to someone or something called Danu. Eleven days after I was born he took me to a secret family dolmen somewhere in the Burren and performed some kind of ancient Pagan ceremony. No idea if it's true but it's all I've got. Satisfied?" "Ah ha! Dedicated to the Mother are you?" Ells smiled warmly and threw down the quill. He dropped the slacker speech and his attitude instantly grew friendlier. "That explains how you saw through the glamour and found the entrance. Come with me then, Colin lad, and I'll show you your unit." Colin stared at him strangely. Ells didn't seem like a teenager any longer. And when he tilted his head in a come with me gesture Colin could swear he saw the sharply pointed tip of an ear poke out through the long strands of his blond hair. He pulled himself together and followed Ells out the door. Each garage door in the long low building had a number painted on it. Ells stopped in front of unit 11. "Here we are. And quite an appropriate number too, don't you think? Go ahead and open it, the door will remember your hand and only open for you." "Like biometrics? Cool. I wouldn't think a little place like this would have that." Colin pulled up the garage door to reveal an empty 8 by 8 chamber. "Yes, something like that," Ells replied ironically. "And I think you'll find quite a lot of unexpected aspects to our little haven here." "I'm beginning to see that." "The unit's climate controlled," Ells continued like a tour guide. "Thermostat's there. Four power outlets, all 120 volts; if you need 240 let me know and we'll arrange it. There's WiFi too, if you need internet access. Any questions?" "All this for 45 grams of silver a month?" Colin had envisioned a concrete cube with no heating or air conditioning and certainly no power. Ells kicked at a bit of gravel and shrugged. "I know it's a bit much. Tell you what, Colin lad, for a Danu blessed one we'll take three pence. Times are tough for us too, we can't really go any lower without straining our resources. Do you still want the unit?" "Oh no! Of course I understand. Yes, I'll take it. Where do I sign?" Ells grinned. "No signature required. Your word's good enough. Just drop the silver by the office next time you come through." "You're serious? No rental contract? And you actually want *real* silver?" Colin continued to be amazed by this weird guy and his unorthodox business practices. "Sure, did you think I was having you on? We don't get out much so it's difficult for us to convert cash to silver. And who needs a contract when we have your stuff and you have our silver? It's a natural exchange." Colin smiled. What a way to do business. Shame that more companies didn't follow suit. He supposed he'd need to find a way to get 27 grams of silver a month but he knew he'd work it out. "Well then, we've got a deal." While they'd been standing there a large tractor trailer with the Cobbler Cookie logo painted on the side had backed in to unit 13. A tall thin young man who could've been Ells' brother climbed down from the cab and set up a ramp from the back of the trailer to the storage unit's entrance. "Hey Bert, how's it hanging?" Ells waved at the truck driver. "Great, Ells, busy as a one armed paper hanger." The driver waved back before disappearing into his storage unit. Colin turned to stare openmouthed at Ells a moment then asked, "Is that Bert, the Cobbler Elf on the commercials?" "Nah, that's a cartoon character; he just looks like him," Ells winked. The sound of an engine revving interrupted Colin's reply and Bert came shooting out of the storage unit driving a forklift loaded with a pallet of cookie cases. He drove up the ramp and deposited the cookies in the truck then raced back down into the storage unit again. Colin shook his head to clear it. He couldn't believe what he'd just witnessed. "How wide is this building?" "Well now, that depends I guess," Ells said with an enigmatic grin. "There's seventeen eight foot wide storage units along this side of the building. On t'other side there's another seventeen. Each one's eight foot deep with a wall between them, sort of back to back, one facing out this way and one facing out on that side. You do the math, I never was any good at that sort of thing." "But that's impossible!" Colin exclaimed. From the outside each building appeared just as Ells described it. Maybe 20 feet wide by 200 feet on the long side. But from the sounds, Bert on the forklift seemed to be driving back hundreds of feet before reemerging with each loaded pallet of cookies. "Where's he going and where are all those cookies coming from?" "You don't actually believe those cookies are made under a grassy hummock like they say on TV do you?" Ells' eyes were twinkling with amusement. "I know, I know," Colin sighed. "Looks can be deceiving, right?" "Now you're beginning to catch on Buck-o," Ells said while clapping Colin on the shoulder. "So, if you don't need me anymore, I've got a game waiting." He winked and turned to walk back to the office, casting a parting shot before he rounded the corner. "If there's no more interruptions, that is." Colin stood and watched for twenty more minutes until the truck was fully loaded. He estimated there must be 40 pallets of cookies on board. No way would they have all come out of an 8 by 8 cube. But he'd seen it with his own eyes. When Bert emerged on foot to close the truck up and shut his storage unit's door he gave Colin a friendly wave. "See ya 'round, neighbor." "Yah. Take it easy." Colin returned the wave as Bert climbed back into the cab and drove away. To be continued...

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Elf Girl

He had stopped his cumming for a moment, but it didn’t take long for it to come back, he felt it and this time he couldn’t stop it, he groaned as his cum exploded from his tip, and shot onto his floor, and stomach. He grabbed a sheet, wiping it off, and standing up. “God I need some pussy…” He walked out the door, and towards the front door, first he needed to hunt, and get some meat. His family was poor, and depended on him for food. “Where are you going?” He heard his father yell. “I’m...

3 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 5

Please bear with me if I take the liberty to insert a short timeline for Danny that gives the reader a better backdrop of his chronological development. I will also attempt to preface chapters with the point in time and the location of the scenario due to the fact there are several key timeframes and locations for the plot of the story. DANNY'S TIMELINE Danny's background ... Born 1950 Joined what is now known as PIRA or more simply (IRA) in 1966 First mission 1967 in Derry At age 20...

2 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 2

Danny was certain to be on time for his "date" with Molly not because he was trying to get into her pants but because he needed to talk to someone young who was not of his time and unlikely to scrutinize him for mistakes in relating events. They were already serving some gratuitous snacks to the after-work crowd when Molly showed up at the door. She drew a lot of attention from the randy lads lined up at the bar but they were all too lazy to get up from their drinks and free snacks. She...

3 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 8 Brighton to London 1984 and Back to Belfast in 1995

Danny was not at all happy to be in London and he knew he was only there to pay back some old debts to his early handlers in Belfast. At least the ones that were still alive. He had been immersed in struggles of a different sort in parts of the world that made Belfast look like the lap of luxury. Even in the early days, the signs of the Troubles were slow to explode like one of those hand-made pipe bombs that often didn't work when they were supposed to. He had spent some time giving...

3 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 18

(MOLLY'S STORY – LONDON 2001) Now that she was a married woman with a husband that tended to her needs like a proper man is required to do with constant regularity, Molly was fearful of accepting the position in London not certain about her husband Danny's reaction to being uprooted from Belfast. She wondered how he would adjust to living in the midst of the English in the center of the UK and so close to the Whitehall. It was a subject that he never commented on verbally and she was loath...

3 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 25

BELFAST – 1995 The story of Belfast in 1995 was how this story started and it was highlighted in the following eight chapters. (CHAPTERS 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 11, 16, 17) It is conceivable that this timeline will be presented in a different format because it is a bit confusing to the continuity of the storyline. Suffice it to say that the chapters dealing with the time period prior to 1995 were historical in nature to the flow of events and the final chapter 26 will be the concluding Epilogue to...

4 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 6

BRIGHTON 1984 The Polish woman was a special case because she was more the professional and her experience equaled his own. Danny didn't like that fact but it was orders from up above and he was stuck with her. Besides, she had contacts that he didn't have and would most likely prove more valuable on the back-end rather than in the middle of the mess. Pretending to be an ignorant tourist, Danny traveled around the area noting the military and police strong points and was astonished at...

4 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 9

BELFAST 1972 The warmth of the changing seasons slowly thawed out Danny's bones in the spring of 1972. He was only just past the magic twenty-one and he felt like one of those old farts sitting on the cement benches to soak up the friendly sun. For some strange reason, he was off the birds and wasn't sure the reason why. Maybe the juices of spring would bring his libido back so he could pretend to be young once again. He was sat in the little nook just inside the curtain-drawn window...

2 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 10

BELFAST – 1968 1968 was a year of dying in many places around the globe. It was the year of the "Tet Offensive" and the casualty figures from Southeast Asia drove a wedge into the hearts and minds of the American people as sharp and painful as the division between Irish Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland. The business of dying in Belfast was often an unexpected thing. It didn't come just in bed after a long life of struggle to make ends meet. It didn't come only in an...

2 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 11

BELFAST – 1995 There was a small note in the slot behind the hotel clerk where his key resided. He was a bit upset because it was just folded over and anyone could read it without any effort. Fortunately, it was from his Legend insurance girl Laura who had recently given him cover before his journey to Belfast. She was a simple girl and easy to please and her note said it all. "Danny, I miss you and hope you think of me at times. I am sorry I asked you for too much. Please call me so I...

2 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 15

BELFAST – 2015 There was a bit of chill in the air when Molly came home that evening. It was a bit too early for the really cold weather but the wind made the sudden drop in temperature feel colder than it really was. Danny dug out his wooly-pulley from the back laundry room where it had hung for several months out of sight and out of mind. He enjoyed the feel of the familiar cloth on his shoulders and thought that the thing was a bit like him being stuck away out of sight and hopefully out...

3 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 19

(MOLLY'S STORY – LONDON 2005) Molly had been reading the report on the Brighton bombing in 1984 and she kept coming back to the mysterious suspect that seemed to be putting obstacles in the way of the bombers at every turn. That was quite surprising to her because she had assumed they were all working to the same objective of terminating the Prime Minister with extreme prejudice. Now, she was of the opinion that there were different agendas at work in the days leading up to the explosion...

3 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 22

(BELFAST – 1972) It was far too early in the morning for whiskey in his coffee but Danny had that urge to soak up the bite of the dog before facing the stern faces of his masters in Belfast. His recollection of the evening before was a bit cloudy but he distinctly remembered inviting his landlady in for a drink and then found her stretched out next to him snoring when he woke up the next morning. It would have been a matter of amusement except for the fact her jealous husband was on the...

2 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 23

BRIGHTON – 1984 Danny was not happy that they called him in on the whole sordid Brighton affair at the last minute. His suspicion was that the hierarchy was in a state of confusion because of changing circumstances and the threat of retribution after the assassination of a ruling Prime Minister was pushed front and center with shocking realization. When he first was read into the operation, it was his cautious nature that kept him from standing up in the small room filled with frightened...

3 years ago
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The Preacher ManChapter 7 Cold Storage

We lay in darkness for several minutes catching our breaths by the vent. The only sound in the room was our breathing, and occasionally Abigail's chattering teeth. The floor was made of metal, and at 10C was rapidly pulling the heat from her body. I thought about telling her to stand, but then remembered her broken foot. Another minute passed in silence. "I'm going to keep the flashlight off, unless we need light for something." There was no response. I suddenly realized I hadn't asked...

3 years ago
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Welfare Lady An Adult Story

Shit! How does a white guy with a college education live in a small apartment in the projects on the 15th floor of a high rise and have nothing to show beside a small check from a insurance settlement? I will tell you assholes.It started about six months ago. I was working at a retail store that sold baby clothes and maternity clothes to first time mothers. The store was in a adjacent mall about a mile from were I lived. They had a help wanted sign on the door for awhile. They needed a stock...

3 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 4

BRIGHTON - 1984 In a way the incident at Brighton should never have gotten off the drawing board because it came at the wrong time and in the wrong place for long range benefit of the future generations of the residents of the Free Irish State. Just because the sheer arrogance of the much maligned female PM had so affronted the lads in Dublin to the point that they were drinking unusually long and with reduced satisfaction was no excuse for the ill-timed bombing project. Danny was called...

4 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 13

BELFAST – 1968 Danny was one of those morning people that pop out of bed and look for that first cup of coffee to get all their systems working top notch. This particular morning was not one of those days. The hazy memories of the night before recalled the free rounds of drinks at a place called O'Horrigan's with the dark murky shadows of hidden nooks and the bored housewives looking for a bit of strange. He barely remembered what he was drinking but from the taste in his mouth and the...

2 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 14

BELFAST – 2015 The newspapers were filled with stories about the killings in Derry in the old days before all the negotiations and the peace that seemed to be holding despite all odds. As if to offset the sensationalism of the print hype, there were some smaller articles about some retired military types being arrested and brought in to assist with the new police force's inquiries about the massacre. Danny read the articles with some interest because it represented a new approach to the...

1 year ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 17

(MOLLY'S STORY – BELFAST 1995) Molly knew that there was something not quite right about Danny but he was such a darling of a man she was ready to take things as they came and not question him too much about his past because it might drive him away and that was the last thing she wanted to happen. A few times in those early days, he would disappear for a few days and then tell her, "Away on business, love, thinking about you and hope you do the same." It always made her giggle because...

4 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 21

BELFAST (1968) The year of 1968 was almost over when Danny got his marching orders from the section outside of Dublin that had administered most of his "in-house" training that was filled with sessions in defusing of explosive devices and identifying various weapons and ammunition from the current stock in their inventory. He really was not one to take great pride in the planting and activation of the explosives but he knew it was their primary weapon right now and would probably remain so...

2 years ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 26

(BELFAST 2020) The tired looking older man with the shaggy eyebrows sat on the park bench watching the young lads playing football on the open field. It was one of those lazy summer days when the weather was perfect and everything was nice and shiny-clean because of the quick afternoon shower that pounded the sidewalks and the streets and left tell-tale moisture on the grass to remind people that growing things needed the damp to make them grow. Danny was interested in the pace of the play...

3 years ago
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Welfare Mothers Make Better Lovers

Welfare Mothers Make Better Lovers Neil Young was right. Welfare mothers do make better lovers. Divorcee! So there I was doing my laundry when a young mother entered. She was pushing a shopping cart full of dirty clothes and her baby was in it too. Just then the music that was playing, started to play Neil Young’s song. Well that young mother let go of that shopping cart, lifted her arms up over her head and started gyrating her hips to the music…and then she started singing along...

2 years ago
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Selfbondage fun for Julia

Julia stares blankly at her tv. She's already watched the only good show for the day, and she has no other plans for the day. she suddenly thinks about a bondage video she saw last night. In the video, the gil was tied up with a vibrator in her pussy. the girl couldn't get out till she eventually found a knife,and ended up having multiple orgasms. "I should try something like that" Julia says to herself.

BDSM
2 years ago
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Arzthelferin wird gekidnappt

Einleitung Regine ist eine 20jährige Arzthelferin aus München. Sie ist etwa 1,80 m groß, hat lange blonde Haare, blaue Augen, einen weichen vollen Mund, Titten der Größe 75C, ein schön geschwungenes Becken und unglaublich lange schlanke Beine. Sie ist also eine Frau, nach der sich die Männer umdrehen. Aber sie reagiert verstört und abweisend, wenn ein Mann sie anspricht. Denn im letzten Winter hatte sie ein Erlebnis, dass sie für ihr Leben gezeichnet hat....

4 years ago
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Elfdance

Elfdance By Norman O. Johnson Once upon a time, it is not clear exactly when, but probably somewhere in the transition from the later Roman Empire and the Dark Ages, two Visigoths named Theodoric and Engelbert were sitting around a campfire on the night of the full moon, finishing off their dinner of freshly butchered venison. Theodoric was the taller and heavier of the two. Engelbert was the shorter, more thoughtful, and relatively polite one. I said "relatively polite",...

Humor
2 years ago
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Elfstedentocht

Elfstedentocht Jan Steenstra keek buiten op de thermometer. Het zag er goed uit. Volgens de weerberichten zou het de komende week flink gaan vriezen. Zijn thermometer bevestigde dit al en gaf -5 graden celsius aan terwijl het pas 8 uur 's avonds was. Deze nacht zo zeker matige, zo niet strenge vorst geven. Zijn schaatsen had hij al uit het vet gehaald. De afgelopen maanden had hij al niets aan het toeval over gelaten en had elk weekend getraind op de schaatsbaan van Heerenveen. Elk...

3 years ago
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SELFSUCKING WITH GINA

I was just 16 years old, still slim and quite flexible. I went through puberty early at 13 and as my hormones went into overdrive a lot of things started changing, My pubes grew in and my cock grew out, I would get a boner every time in the showers after GYM class surrounded by all the other guys in my class. My best friend at the time was also in a similar way. He live a block over from me and we would often camp out in my tent in the back yard. I kept a stash of girly magazines for us to look...

4 years ago
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elf Storage Chapter 2

_elf Storage by Janice Dreamer Copyright 2012 Chapter 2 Dina pulled into her parents' lane. It was over a mile long and lined with ancient oaks that shaded the arriving visitor. Hundreds of acres of corn, soybeans and deep green pasture spread out on either side all the way to the Chesapeake in the distance. Her family were "gentleman farmers," having worked their ancestral land for generations. But they didn't simply rest on their legacy; the Callahans were workers. Mother,...

3 years ago
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elf Storage Chapter 3

_elf Storage by Janice Dreamer Copyright 2012 * * * * * Chapter 3 * * * * * "Sooooo, our laddie here dreams of being a lass. Interesting," Ells mused aloud. He riffled the stack of printouts he'd picked up from where it lay besides Colin's recliner. "He's also got Fey blood in him, just look at that aura," Bruno muttered. He handed over the object he'd been peering through at the slumbering Colin. It looked like an old fashioned pair of opera glasses but the lenses...

4 years ago
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elf Storage Chapter 4

_elf Storage by Janice Dreamer Copyright 2012 Chapter 4 * * * * * Colin woke early. He sat on the edge of the bed and indulged in a bone cracking stretch of his arms and upper body. Lord but he felt good! Though at 36 he was far from old, twenty years of physical labor had slowly accumulated various creaks and aches in his frame. He'd never really noticed the small pains but their sudden absence was delightful. He padded into the bath and began his morning routine....

2 years ago
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elf Storage Chapter 5

_elf Storage by Janice Dreamer copyright 2012 Chapter 5 * * * * * Colin had spent most of the day at the mall. He'd gone from one new discovery to the next. Shoes led to shirts which led to underwear which led to grooming products which led to a new hair style. He couldn't believe how much fun he'd had. Shopping had never been anything but a chore to him. But he was learning what women found so alluring about it -- trying on different styles and discovering whole new...

Humor
1 year ago
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elf Storage Chapter 6

_elf Storage by Janice Dreamer copyright 2012 Chapter 6 * * * * * Colleen shook her head. Just when she thought she couldn't be surprised any more Ells had sprung a new one on her. "So where do I find an MBA?" "Ah, that's easy, lass. Follow me," Ells replied with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. He set off across the cleared area behind the office and wound his way in between several of the long buildings turning left then right. The buildings weren't laid out at...

3 years ago
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Infelftration

Infelftration by Arcie Emm Chapter 1 Impossible to stop himself, every time the end of shift bells jingled, he looked out the window. Sometimes he would keep watching as the workers excitedly poured forth from the innumerable factories making up The Big S's Workshop. Watching and wanting to become one of them. Yet the longer Snorri stared, the greater grew the chance someone would look towards the N&N Building and...

1 year ago
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RobynSelfStory 01

This lockdown is so frustrating. Not that I ever played a real lot, but having even the opportunity to play removed somehow makes it worse!So I guess a girl has to do what a girl has to do. With too much time on hands, and too much time looking at, er, naughty things; well, what’s a girl to do?Last night, after a lovely lengthy hot shower, and shaving in all the right places, I wondered what I should do. Inspiration soon found me.I dug out my old electro equipment. Now, this is nothing fancy or...

2 years ago
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Spielfigur der Gtter

Liebe(r) Leser/(in) für die Geschichte ist es notwendig den Game-Mode zu aktivieren. Über Feedback, Anregungen, Hinweise freue ich mich sehr. Viel Spaß mit meiner ersten Geschichte hier. (Kleiner Hinweis, die Geschichte startet eher langsam und ich nehme mir Zeit für Charakter, deren Entwicklung und die Entfaltung der Geschichte. Aber keine Sorge an sexuellen Abenteuern wird es nicht fehlen.) Elena wischte sich mit der linken Hand den Schweiß von der Stirn. Gleich hatte sie den Aufstieg...

Fantasy
1 year ago
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GettingHerselfOff

Reddit GettingHerselfOff, aka r/GettingHerselfOff! Is there anything fucking hotter than watching a dirty bitch make herself cum? Sure, we all have our kinks, but universally, is there a straight dude alive that is incapable of getting off to a slut rubbing her pussy, riding a giant dildo that’s bigger than you could ever hope to be, or vibrating her clit to climax? That’s like saying the more food you eat, the more you feel hungry: it’s an oxymoron, and it’s downright impossible.That’s why I...

Reddit NSFW List
1 year ago
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Pelfie

Reddit Pelfie, aka r/Pelfie! Every babe is different, and every girl has a beautiful pussy. I know that some of y’all actually enjoy looking at dirty pussy pictures online, and you have loads of them on r/pelfie/. In case the name is a bit odd for you, it stands for the pussy selfie, basically. You have loads of girls taking dirty pussy selfies, and you get to see all these dirty posts for free.First of all, Reddit is a free site, and there are thousands of other subreddits that you can check...

Reddit NSFW List
3 years ago
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Twelfth Night

I had only been out of drama school a week. I was 23. Very penniless. And I had a job. I put the phone down and called my girlfriend. ‘They want me!’ I told her, ‘They bloody want ME!’ The previous day I had been to a recall for ‘Twelfth Night’, thinking I had no chance as the confirmed cast were mostly TV stalwarts and stage legends. The play was to go on in the West End for 5 months following a 3 month tour of England, Scotland and Ireland, rehearsals starting tomorrow. It was all too much...

2 years ago
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Twelfth Night

I had only been out of drama school a week. I was 23. Very penniless. And I had a job. I put the phone down and called my girlfriend. "They want me!" I told her, "They bloody want ME!" The previous day I had been to a recall for "Twelfth Night", thinking I had no chance as the confirmed cast were mostly TV stalwarts and stage legends. The play was to go on in the West End for 5 months following a 3 month tour of England, Scotland and Ireland, rehearsals starting tomorrow. It was all too much to...

Oral Sex
2 years ago
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Selfie Stuck

Just a few more months, he thought as he erased the blackboard, avoiding the show that Sabrina was no doubt putting on as she rose from her desk at final bell.  Only when the room was empty did he breathe a sigh of relief and put down the eraser.Jacob picked up his things in preparation to leave, but there was a new vigil to observe first.  He waited for a half hour, watching out the window, until Sabrina’s red Audi pulled out onto the street.  Only then did he make the trek to his own car.The...

Reluctance
1 year ago
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Belfast RulesChapter 3

Danny dreamed that night of the days of his youth. Now, ordinary grown men would be dreaming about football games, young girls in the back row of the cinema or friends who they had lost contact with over the years. In Danny's case however, he dreamed of bloody-faced men pleading for their lives, mothers and sisters crying about dead or kneecapped fathers, brothers and young lovers in the bloom of youth. He jerked and cried out softly in his sleep begging forgiveness for his sins and hoping...

2 years ago
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Selfish Yvonne

I struggled with the category for this story. I know some will disagree, but I threw caution to the wind and put it in Loving Wives! I’d like to thank my editor, Newell Post, any remaining errors are mine. “You’re so selfish!” I screamed at him. Rob just looked down at the table, as he usually did when I went on one of my rampages. “I’ve really about had it with these moods of yours,” he said. “You have your life, a good life. Why is it selfish of me to want a good life of my own?” I...

2 years ago
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Selfish Babies

(Don't worry, regular readers, A Bet to Lose will continue. I was just inspired to write this one and decided that it'd be better as a short fairy tale rather than extensively fleshed out.) Once upon a time, there was a pair of twin boys who argued over everything. They had a Switch and a TV in their room and lots of games and toys, but they argued over whose turn it was, whether or not the other person cheated, whatever. They argued over who got to go first and who got to play with...

2 years ago
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Selfless lust

It was a cold morning. As the forecast had said, the morning would turn into a fine sunny day and a cloudy thundering night followed by a light shower. I was shivering. The cold wind was doing me no good and there was no sign of her. She knew the bus would be departing at 8 am. It was already 7:52 am. I felt tense and uneasy. I could see all the unfamiliar faces around me, loving hugging and kissing loved ones good bye, ‘til we meet again. I was there by myself standing near my bus Firefly,...

1 year ago
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Selfie

I am in the tastefully lit bathroom of a downtown nightclub, taking a picture of myself reflected in the wall of mirror in front of me. The sweater I am wearing is suggestively low-cut, but I center on my face. My sea blue eyes sparkle in the unnatural light. I had stepped out into the alley with some random guy to smoke a joint about an hour ago, so I am a little light-headed. I made out with the guy for a minute or two, in payment for the joint, I guess. Guys always want something, and...

3 years ago
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Selfie Incrimination

Cindi could not believe how hot the guy was that she met at the club last night. He was so hot and the girl could help but fantasize about being with him. The problem was that he was in college and she was just an 18 year old in high school. He had spent some time dancing with her but then another older girl had come by and the two disappeared into the night. Cindi had no doubt that they probably fucked in the parking lot.She sighed as she thought how unfair life was. She then reached for her...

3 years ago
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Selfie Stuck

Just a few more months, he thought as he erased the blackboard, avoiding the show that Sabrina was no doubt putting on as she rose from her desk at final bell. Only when the room was empty did he breathe a sigh of relief and put down the eraser. Jacob picked up his things in preparation to leave, but there was a new vigil to observe first. He waited for a half hour, watching out the window, until Sabrina’s red Audi pulled out onto the street. Only then did he make the trek to his own...

2 years ago
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Selfish Bastard

Now he’s gargling out some off-key rendition of a Guns-N-Roses song and probably breaking the bar of soap in half. I don’t think I’m very good at sharing. I’m not ready to get in there, but I don’t want him in my damn shower. He can’t see that I’m doing a little brow maintenance as he bangs on the shower glass, so he swings the door open – flooding the room and my mirror with steam. He has no clue, the randy jerk. “Why waste all this nice hot water – jump in – we’ll do our...

3 years ago
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Selfish Sex

I like being the center of attention. I know I’m selfish that way. Oh, I admit I like having sex with other couples. It’s great to have the sustained all night sex brought on by the excitement of swapping and sharing, and it’s great to have the touch and taste of another woman at times, but somehow the sex is always more reserved then if I’m alone with one man or better yet, two men. Women tend to be more guarded around other women. At least I think it’s true of me. Alone with men it seems I...

2 years ago
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Selfish Mom

Despite her beliefs, Debbie Kendall silently cussed to herself as she saw Despite her beliefs, Debbie Kendall silently cussed to herself as she saw the roadblock. There were about 6 soldiers in dark green uniforms at the checkpoint, inspecting everyone?s documents. Anyone suspected of bringing an adolescent of any age to the border for the purpose of smuggling them into Ohio or other neighboring states would face the full wrath of the warlord?s new penal code. This legislation...

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