Chapter 14
"Die you mother fuckers!"
"What the hell? How old are you kid?"
I watched as little bits and pieces of my opponents sailed in every
direction. No matter what game you were playing, the rocket launcher was
always a satisfying weapon. Three seconds later, I snuck up behind a
camper and cut him in half with my chainsaw. For the uninitiated,
campers are players who wait by respawn points in FPS games, not to be
confused with snipers, who choose strategic locations to pick off
targets. There was instant gratification as I watched the blood spurt
from the severed torso, collecting in a quickly growing pool. The
violence in Gears of War is over the top, but it was one of my favourite
games for that very reason.
It was the perfect game to play after the events at El Casa, and the ice
cream shop afterwards. It was morning. I had fallen asleep watching
Goodfellas, but now I was ready to wash the taste of that horrendous
night out of my mouth with kill streaks galore.
I laughed. "Oh I'm six."
My opponent, whose voice tended to break on occasion, shouted, "No
fucking way! Your parents actually let you play Gears? And how come you
aren't at school?"
I had lost track of the days of the week. When you don't work and you
don't go to school, every day is pretty much the same. I thought I had
arrived at the apartment on a Thursday, but now I wasn't so sure.
I smirked, responding in my headset, "And how come you aren't at school?
You sound like you're about 12, right?" I pushed the trigger button and
blew my opponent's head apart with the Gnasher shotgun. His cartoony
brains splattered all over the wall.
He replied, "Fuck! And no way. I'm fifteen. I'm going to get your ass
banned from this server."
I said, "Look, I'll leave you alone as soon as you stop fucking respawn
camping. And I'm sure your voice will change eventually. You'll get hair
on your chest and some down there too. Don't worry about it. And about
the banning, well we both aren't old enough to play this game...right?"
I laughed, but it sounded a little too much like a giggle for my liking.
The teenage boy said, "Wait are you a girl too?"
I cleared my throat. "Yeah. Maybe."
My opponent said, "You're a weird fucking little girl. How come you
aren't playing with ponies or dolls or whatever? That's what my younger
sister does."
I said, "Well because those things suck, just like you."
A well-placed shot to the leg from the chain gun removed my opponent's
leg. I had died a few times in the team death match, but since I had put
my focus on killing the spawn camper, I had amounted an impressive
series of kills. My teammates didn't seem to be bothered with the fact I
sounded like a six year old girl as long as I was kicking ass.
I finished the game with the highest kill count, and even though I
wasn't playing on an elite server, I still felt satisfied and mostly
vindicated after last night's near constant attack on my masculinity and
ego.
"How can you play that game? I'll never understand why you and Greg like
blowing people up like that."
Eve had been silently watching the game, or at least parts of it, while
eating her breakfast. I looked back at her. "It's about being the best.
That's just a nice benefit."
Eve shook her head. "Ryan, you don't need to try so hard to be yourself.
I saw the way you were looking at the waitress last night, and how
you've been acting with this game. You're trying way too hard. You can
be a decent guy when you want to be. Maybe showing some self-control
will help with fighting the serum."
I sighed. "You sound like Ashley."
Eve sat next to me on the couch, but she maintained what I felt was a
comfortable distance. The couch sat three and she sat a cushion's width
away from me. I wasn't sure what it was, but the more frightened I
became, the more shocked I grew at my actions, the more I wanted to
reach out to Eve. The same thing had happened with Tracy. In seeing my
distress, both Eve and Tracy had shown maternal instincts, the desire to
embrace and to offer comfort.
It terrified me to think that last night, even for a moment, I had
considered jumping into Eve's arms. It should have been laughable, but
it wasn't. It just wasn't how Ryan Sullivan dealt with his problems.
Since sex was out of the question, weapons capable of severing limbs,
punching through armour and shattering bone, and simply eviscerating my
opponents would have to act as the panacea to my bruised yet not beaten
mental self.
Eve said gently, "Is that the girl who was with you in the studio?" I
nodded and then turned back to the game.
Eve put her hand on the cushion that divided us. "You know it might help
to talk about what happened there. It was clearly a really stressful
time for you. I deal with this every day, Ryan. Post-traumatic stress
syndrome. You are bottling things up. I know that it's what you do but
you can't be afraid to ask for help."
I shook my head. "Why the hell do you care so much? Since my change
you've been a lot nicer. I think you like me this way."
Eve sighed gently. "I'm a nurse. Naturally, I want to help people. To
heal them. And I can see you are in pain, that you are scared. You just
show it a lot more in this body. Maybe I would have wanted to help you
more if you'd done something other than sleep with girls and insult me
when you were feeling like shit."
She added, "Now I know you may not want to speak to me, given our
history, but I really do think you need to talk to someone about what
happened in the studio. Someone you trust."
I couldn't tell Greg. He would never look at me the same way again,
likely only seeing the weakness. I had a power over Greg. It wasn't a
secret that he looked up to me- he respected my strength. I knew the
tricks for picking up women, how to talk to them- and I wielded this
power in the form of a somewhat unbalanced friendship. I could get away
with practically anything. When I hit him for bugging me about seeing
Monique, he didn't say a thing. Before he met Eve, he used to pick me up
from across town at least once a week. I told him I'd take him to a bar
or a club later and sometimes we went and sometimes we didn't.
He lent me money, and he never asked for me to pay it back. Even after
he met Eve and started dating her, I found that the dynamic hadn't
changed significantly. I was still the alpha, and Greg was a bit of a
doormat, smart but too eager to please, and telling Greg would mean
losing my status in our relationship.
Eve was the only option. My mom was out of the question, as were Jessica
and Monique. Eve didn't think much of me, so really, there was only room
for improvement in our relationship. Pleased with my mature decision, I
powered down the Xbox, although I was still very hesitant to divulge the
full events from the studio. Plus, I wondered if she was right about the
serum and my self-control. It wasn't like I was some stoic man on the
mountain, sitting with crossed legs and spouting wisdom. No, I was
someone who gave in to the carnal- the pleasurable. Like Mark and Devon,
I was a prime candidate to fall victim to the serum.
"I guess I'm feeling guilty. About leaving Ashley at the studio."
Ashley was the voice of reason in the studio. I wasn't loathe to admit
it either. While Ashley and I had an infamous first and second meeting,
she did everything in her power to ensure I didn't end up like Mark and
Devon, and I had left her behind.
Eve said, "The way you told it, Ryan- you didn't really have a choice."
I shook my head. "What do you mean?"
Eve nodded. "You said you were the only one without a memory wipe. And
you said that just being around kids would make you act like one. I've
seen proof of that. I think you did the right thing. It's great you want
to help Ashley, and this is a refreshing side of your personality, but
if you'd brought her along. What do you think would have happened?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "I would have brought her here. At least she
would have been safe. What if she's been adopted by some billionaire
prick as part of that adoption agency? She'd hate that. Well...the old
Ashley at least."
Eve shook her head slowly. "I saw how that crown affected you. The smile
that appeared on your face, and how you were watching those girls in the
ice cream store. I know you are tough Ryan, but you can't blame
yourself. If you'd brought Ashley here- I doubt we would be having this
conversation. It would be really hard to keep you two apart."
I narrowed my eyes, while feeling my lower lip gently lower into a pout.
"Do you really think I'm that weak? And Elsa and Anna were apart for ten
years, living in the same castle. We could have done the same thing in
the apartment."
A look of shock crossed Eve's features, her eyebrows shooting upward,
and her mouth momentarily agape. She composed herself, and the softness,
which had become commonplace, returned. It was a look I had seen rarely
in the woman before my change, but the doe-like tenderness and warmth in
her eyes, and even the way she held her mouth, in a slight and
comforting smile- it made me want to spill my guts to her- to tell her
everything.
She said, "But that's a just a movie, Ryan. And no, I don't think you
are weak, but this serum has done a number on you already. I'm not sure
having Ashley here would help things. It would be impossible to keep you
two apart in this small apartment."
I clenched my fists, feeling my slightly pointed nails dig into the soft
skin of my palm. "I know it's just a movie, Eve. I'm not fucking stupid.
And I know being around Ashley would be dangerous, but I think I could
bring some of her memories back. I managed to jog something when we were
back in the studio, but I didn't have enough time to really try it out.
Tracy was supposed to take both of us to her place."
Eve replied, "I might be able to help you find them. I can talk to our
media spokesperson at the hospital, and she can put us in touch with the
right people. The police won't say anything, but if we can get the media
involved, they'll start putting pressure on the police to release a
statement. I won't tell them you are here or anything, but I'll just
give them a tip to check out the studio. In the meantime, I can help you
do some research, you said you have a phone with some data, right?"
I nodded, staring at Eve in disbelief. It was hard for me to accept that
Eve wanted to be so helpful. Before my transformation into a little
girl, I figured she wanted nothing to do with me. Her words in the car
about my past behaviour confirmed that. Still, here she was, offering
her help to someone who had belittled and insulted her.
Eve said, "It's OK to ask for help, Ryan. I've seen that there's more to
you than just a macho, egotistical asshole. What's on your phone
anyway?"
I replied, "Formulas and diagrams. Stuff about genetics I guess. It's
way over my head."
Eve said, "There's a gene lab at the hospital. I could always ask them
to take a look at it. Or we could send it to a university professor who
specializes in that type of research. You don't have to do this alone."
When Eve helped to rinse my eyes out and to comb my hair after my first
shower in the apartment, I felt a pleasant tingling. After her latest
offer for help, that tingling had become a powerful buzzing, almost as
if bees were gently probing the pleasure centres in my brain. A tiny
smile crept onto my lips.
"Um. Thanks." I flicked through the pictures I had taken, stopping on
the three I had snapped in the studio. "Here. Take a look at these."
The phone buzzed a moment later, indicating either a text or an e-mail.
I had used some of my car savings to pay my phone bill, but the money
would only cover two more bills. After that, I would have to ask Eve and
Greg to pay it...like parents. No fucking way.
Eve said, "Superman, hmm? What's it look like?"
Her eyes danced with amusement. While she grinned, I paled. Monique had
picked the worst possible time to send me a text.
Eve handed my phone back. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. I
didn't mean to see the text."
I took the phone into my hands and scrolled to my recently received
texts:
Monique: u wanna come over its been 2 long
Monique: I want u to superman me through the fucking door
I started texting her back, although I had to put the phone in my lap to
text with two hands.
Me: sorry not tonight busy
Monique: u still mad about last time
I clicked the phone off and sighed heavily. A night of ridiculous
sometimes painful yet highly enjoyable sex would have usually done the
trick to improve my mood, but Monique's invitation for a booty call had
done the opposite. It served as a reminder of everything I had lost. My
Gears of War success had softened the blow, dulling the memory of my
tantrum and my burgeoning childlike imagination.
Seconds later, I felt a sudden tightening in my chest. This was followed
by a slight trembling in my bottom lip. I took two quick breaths, hoping
to stave off the eventual tide. As this happened, Eve edged closer to
me, now sitting half a cushion away. I turned away from her, burying my
face in a pillow.
Was I really about to cry my eyes out because I couldn't have sex with
Monique?
A hand settled gently on my shoulder. The touch was tentative at first,
similar to how a person might gingerly touch a plate or a bowl in the
microwave to ensure it isn't too hot. The hand was removed and then
reapplied. On the second touch, the grip was firm.
Eve gently squeezed my shoulder. I lashed out, swatting the hand away
and turned to face Eve. I felt tears forming, but I fiercely wiped them
away. "Fuck sakes, Eve- you can't be doing that. I'm not a kid."
Eve regarded me evenly. "I'm not treating you like a kid, Ryan. I'd do
the same for anyone who is in pain. I've seen it all as a nurse. It's
part of being human. I've seen bigger guys than you weeping like babies.
Guys who had the same cocky air, the same swagger. In a hospital room,
there's no hiding. Everything comes out."
She added, "It's OK to show your humanity. The hug outside the ice cream
store might have been a bit much, but this is normal. Most doctors will
say that crying can be as therapeutic as laughing. I won't think any
less of you."
I said with a smirk and wiped my nose with my sleeve, "I don't think
it's possible for you to think any less of me. It would probably cause
the sun to explode or something."
Eve nodded and smiled. "Exactly. Now why don't you send me those
diagrams, and I'll bring them in on my next shift. I'll make sure I talk
to the hospital's media spokesperson too. She owes me a favour."
I sniffed lightly. "I-I'm sorry I've been such a dick to you in the
past, Eve. You've really gone above and beyond here."
Eve smiled. "We'll find Ashley and Tracy."
"Thanks, Eve." I felt hopeful for the first time since I had left the
studio.
***
A month passed and in that time, Eve managed to get the contact
information for most local and national newsrooms. I continued checking
the news daily, something I hadn't done previous to my transformation.
Eve sent the sample data from my phone to universities with a specific
focus on genetic research. She also spoke to the lab at the hospital,
telling them a friend of hers was completing a PhD and needed someone
with the right equipment to test their theory.
Unfortunately, the response wasn't immediate. I expected that media
would flock to the studio. Eve had told the newsroom contacts that a
studio was basically using orphans as slaves to make children's
programming. It should have been the top news story on every major
network, blog- anything. But a month later, and the story still hadn't
broke.
We figured that a quick search of the premises would lead to more
questions, especially when journalists discovered the lab. This should
have led to the media putting pressure on the police to release a
statement regarding Tracy.
In that time, Eve and I grew closer. Considering we were the equivalent
to feuding cats and dogs, anything was an improvement. It started from
the moment we met. Eve saw through what she termed my bullshit. What she
didn't know is that I was making myself look worse so that meek Greg
would stand out, so he could play white knight. It was really a matter
of miscommunication. With cats and dogs it was the same. Dogs wag their
tails to show happiness, and cats believe the dogs are agitated by this
action, so they return the gesture in kind. Basically, if women, like
cats, would take a moment to understand the male species and why we act
as we do, there would be fewer water and oil situations.
Eve had her claws out the moment I spoke.
I guess the whole calling her fat didn't help our relationship, but she
had struck first, and she had planted a seed within the mind of my best
friend that I was shallow, self-absorbed, and sexist. Before he met Eve,
he never said a word to me about how I acted.
So while Eve and I grew closer, we weren't exactly best friends or
anything. I let her help me with my hair because I just couldn't bring
myself to cut it off. Every time I did, I'd picture myself with a shiny
bald head, just like Greg, and this image sent my mind spiralling, which
was followed by full on panic attacks.
I had always loved girls with long hair. It was the only thing, other
than the fact she sometimes bit me hard enough to draw blood, I didn't
like about Monique. Her pixie cut emphasized the slight roundness of her
face. Was it possible that because I had these ideals that I had
transferred them to my current body? I shouldn't have cared considering
I wasn't a real girl, but I did.
I never let Eve put my hair into anything other than a simple ponytail,
and she never pushed me to do twin braids or up-dos, or whatever. I had
taken to avoiding the mirror because each time I looked, I liked more
and more what I saw.
I had developed some kind of bizarre obsession with regard to my hair.
It actually made me feel better, a pleasant tingle passing through my
head as I stared at the long, straight perfect locks. Meanwhile, Greg
never said a thing about it. I continued dressing in unisex or typical
male clothing, the collection of dresses and skirts I had brought from
the studio sat in my Hello Kitty backpack at the very back of the hall
closet.
While my behaviour terrified me and struck at both my adult and male
core, it wasn't entirely surprising. Girls just had a thing about their
hair. Most did anyways, and the ones that didn't- I never wanted to
meet. I knew that it was the serum, and perfect little girls have
perfect hair.
Beyond my hair, it wasn't as if Eve and I were painting each other's
nails or having sleepovers. No, I was still a gore hound, and the nail
polish that adorned my hands and feet had long since worn away, and Greg
remained my best friend. Monique and others had made attempts to contact
me, but I would likely never be ready to face them. Not until I returned
to normal. Which is why the complete failure to this point to contact
Tracy sent me into bouts of depression.
Thankfully, Gears, Halo with the odd session of Call of Duty kept me
sane. That and repeated viewings of the Godfather trilogy and
Goodfellas. I had steadily improved to the point in all three games
where I could easily beat Greg. I had to make my own account after some
sore losers decided to report me using Ryan Sullivan's elite server
account. I think it mostly had to do with the fact that they didn't like
getting beaten by who they assumed was a little girl. A few reported me
for playing the game underage, but there were no laws saying I couldn't
play.
I wasn't old enough to buy the games, but my gracious parents could have
purchased them for me. After a morning of fruitless searching, I jumped
onto the Xbox, cranked the TV and loaded up Gears. A few minutes later,
I had won my first game, absolutely decimating the competition.
Mere seconds into the second game, I heard banging from downstairs. I
assumed that the people downstairs were still in the process of moving,
but when the banging transferred to the door, I figured there was a new
neighbour. Fuck.
There was something far more satisfying about cleaving an opponent in
two or dismembering them with the sound blasting. Rail gun barrages
pounded in my chest like psychedelic house music. It just made the game
more enjoyable, and it increased the immersive factor. You were more
into the game if it sounded like the game was part of your living room,
and your neighbour's living room.
I paused the game and moved toward the door where the banging continued.
As I got closer, I realized that whoever was trying to get my attention
was not using their fist. It sounded like they were rapping against the
door with an aluminum baseball bat.
As Ryan Sullivan, I had dealt with my fair share of noise complaints.
Monique's neighbours below and above called the police on us on two
separate occasions. I smooth talked the police who came to the door,
making a joke about Monique being a singer and losing control of her
voice during sex. It worked both times.
I also had a neighbour living underneath me. She was a single mom who
had really let herself go. I probably would have been interested in her
if she had cleaned herself up and didn't have a kid. So anyway, she
complains about my surround sound, while her fucking kid is screaming in
her arms. The kid seriously cried all the time. She told me he was
chloric or something. Well he woke me up plenty of times after a late-
night shift, and I never said a thing. I just told her to piss off
because her kid was making just as much noise. Well her doughy boyfriend
comes to the door next, and I took one look at him and laughed. He
didn't say one word before he left, his balls likely crawling up into
his body, removing him from the male species altogether.
I could be intimidating, and it helped that I could also handle myself
in a fight. I wasn't stupid though, and I was on a kind of short leash
with my landlord, so I turned the volume down, but I had the
satisfaction of winning the battle. The army I had gone against had
retreated before firing a single shot.
I was, however, no longer in a body that stood over six-feet tall. My
musculature was non-existent, and the last time I had punched someone,
it resulted in vicious teasing. I doubted that the individual behind the
door would hit a child, but the metal on wood struck fear into my heart.
I pictured a mountain of muscle, laden with tattoos, bald with a
permanent scowl.
I stuttered, "G-Go away! I'll turn it down!" My heart raced, and my
throat suddenly constricted. Even if I had wanted to say another word,
my body wouldn't have allowed it. I was having another panic attack.
The hammering against the door ceased. A voice reeking of age spoke.
While the speaker was likely wizened with one foot in the grave, the
voice held a powerful authoritative timbre. "Young lady, I want to speak
to one of your parents immediately."
The voice belonged to a woman, and coupled with my fear-induced panic
attack, she sounded like the scariest and meanest woman in the world. My
mind told me, however, that it was ridiculous to be frightened of an old
woman. I'd told the woman at the bus stop to mind her business. I could
say the same thing to this old hag. I was certain that if I looked at
her through the peephole that my fear would wane.
I pictured this little old woman, the metal cane the only thing keeping
her from tumbling toward a hip injury that would put her in the hospital
permanently. A sagging, haggard face with a crooked nose and sunken eyes
would stare back at me, while a mouthful of cruel twisted teeth would
form a wicked sneer. I blinked slowly, realizing that my suddenly out of
control imagination had placed a witch behind my door.
The image of the witch slowly unravelled as I reined in my imagination.
With my returning courage, I said firmly, "They're not home."
The old woman replied, "How old are you, young lady?" It shouldn't have
been possible, but the woman's voice attacked my courage, like a great
loping animal pierced by a hunter's arrows, it stumbled, leaving me
ready to answer the question truthfully. Thankfully, just as I was about
to reveal the truth, I stopped, my childlike fear rapidly replaced with
adult logic and a resurgence of Ryan Sullivan's bold and stubborn
nature.
It was clear that if this woman found out that I was actually six years
old, it could create a number of problems. I should have had a
babysitter, but actually, since it was May- I should have been in
school. The fear attempted to creep back in, like the dark banished from
a room filled with light.
I changed my voice, trying to sound older. "I'm twelve." I couldn't
remember when my parents started leaving me at home alone, but twelve
seemed like it would be old enough.
Less than a second after I spoke, the old woman's voice once again
filled the air. It was direct and completely lacking in emotion. "You're
lying." The simple phrase sent my heart racing, yet it also evoked a
sense of anger.
It was clear this woman had been some power-tripping librarian or maybe
she worked at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Either way, she wasn't
going to tell me what to do. It was time to end the conversation.
"Look, I've turned down the game, so you can just fuck off, OK? I don't
owe you anything." I hoped that meeting her strength with my own brash
attitude would cause her to realize she wasn't going to boss me around.
"Young lady, it may not be against the law in this state to leave you
home alone, but I believe your parents would be interested to know that
you are not in school. And you will, never ever address me in such a
manner again. Proper young ladies do not address their elders, or anyone
with such vile language. Your parents should be ashamed. Now, you will
offer an immediate apology."
Normally, I would have been able to completely ignore the woman's
lecture. I certainly did so enough times in school, but this woman had a
special power. Her words were like tempered steel, each one finding a
weakness in my mental armour. I stood flabbergasted that the woman's
words could affect me in such a manner.
I stuttered, "W-Why do you care if I go to school or not? Why is it any
of your business?"
"I educated generations of proper young ladies at the Prescott Finishing
School, now known as the Prescott Academy for Girls. It is my
responsibility as a former educator and a concerned citizen to ensure
that you attend school so you might become a productive member of
society. Your parents are also breaking the law. Now, unless you give me
a very good reason not to, I will contact the school board and report
your truancy."
The strength of her words told me that she wasn't bluffing. She made me
feel like a little kid, terrified of her new teacher. My breathing grew
faster to the point where I started taking in raspy, ragged breaths. I
wiped my hands on my pants, which were slicked with sweat. The world
around me spun, and I reached out for the door, using it to break my
fall.
School. A place of learning where Ryan Sullivan would essentially be
erased. Where the serum would claim victory. If that happened, it
wouldn't matter if Eve and Greg knew the truth, there would be nothing
left of me to prove I was anyone else but a six-year old girl named
Kaylee.
"Young lady, I'm waiting. You might improve your standing in my eyes if
you tell the truth."
Two panic attacks in the same day. I sighed heavily, still using the
door for support. The woman's cane rapped firmly on the door. If Eve or
Greg was here, I probably would have been hiding behind them, as I had
done with Ashley in the studio. Still, this old disciplinarian was
dealing with Ryan Sullivan not Kaylee, and Ryan was an experienced
actor.
Acting, good acting, should be effortless, not simply playing a part but
being that part where the words spoken sound like they come from a real
person not just someone simply reading lines. My only chance was to use
my acting chops, hoping that I could fool the old woman, but to do that,
I had to become Kaylee.
I said sadly, actually pushing out my lower lip. The woman couldn't see
it, but it helped me get into character. "I-I'm six. I'm home alone
because I'm sick, and my parents are at work. We can't afford a
babysitter." We didn't live in a large apartment building, but it was
large enough at six stories to hopefully never actually run into this
woman again.
"Now, if you had been truthful with me in the first place, we might have
avoided this unpleasant business. I don't agree with a six-year old
child being left at home alone, especially when she is ill."
Incredibly, her voice softened, the sharp edge dulled to the point where
I almost felt comfortable in her presence. Considering the power she had
over me, I was really beginning to think she was a witch.
"Perhaps an arrangement can be made with your parents should something
like this occur again. I would be more than willing to offer my services
for free."
My mind quickly snapped back to reality. "Um, you don't have to do that.
I'm usually not sick. I really like school."
I heard the metal cane tap lightly against the floor. The action caused
me to immediately stand at attention. The old teacher spoke, "You're
lying again. I'm certainly not seeing the maturity required in a girl
your age to stay at home by herself. I can understand why you chose to
lie, but I've dealt with thousands of girls like you- I know all the
tricks."
By this point, I had had enough. I had to regain the upper hand, and it
was clear that the woman's power was in her voice. If I saw this little
old lady behind the door, hopefully it would mean that her sway over me
would cease.
I dragged a wooden stool toward the door and peered through the peep
hole. On the other side, I saw a woman absolutely ravaged by age. Deep
wrinkles lined her face, while her body was stooped, a slight hump
forcing the woman forward, causing her to lean on her cane for constant
support. She looked like she could be the grandmother of someone's
great-grandmother.
She spoke again, "I've a cup a tea very quickly cooling and as I cannot
stand warmed tea, you will answer me immediately. I will be speaking to
your parents either way, but what is said in that conversation will
depend on your response, child. Firstly, you will apologize to me for
your tone, your language, and your lying. Secondly, you will return to
bed and not play another minute of that horrid thing you call a game.
Children who are ill need their rest. And lastly, you will address me
from this point on as Mrs. Feinstein."
I replied, "Look, I'm sure you get your jollies from scaring kids, but
I'm not falling for it. To me you're just a crazy old lady who won't
mind her fucking business."
With the picture of Mrs. Feinstein now firmly ingrained in my mind, her
voice had lost its power. She was like a yelping extremely brittle-boned
Chihuahua.
The metal cane tapped lightly against the floor again, but it too had
lost its power. I heard it slowly tap along the floor, moving away from
the door to the apartment.
Victory.
***
Greg and Eve returned home at the same time, a rare occurrence but with
Greg making the schedule at the Palace, he tried his best to match Eve's
shifts. I said nothing about my run in with Mrs. Feinstein, and
honestly, I hoped that she was bluffing, and that a lifetime of teaching
left her unmotivated to pursue another educational project, especially
one with such a vulgar mouth. Was it really worth it to her to get
involved, considering the time and energy it would take to change my
ways?
At 7 PM sharp, I heard a gentle rapping on the door- it was metal on
wood.
I forgot that Mrs. Feinstein was retired. Apparently, retired people had
nothing better to do than to stick their nose in other people's
business. I sighed heavily, feeling very much like I did as a child
after I had done something to enrage my mother. She would shout, "Wait
until your father gets home!" Of course with my dad, sometimes it wasn't
for a week or two, and then when I was older, it was for longer
stretches. When my dad got home, my mom would tell him about all the
horrible things I did, and on rare occasions, he would punish me.
Usually, it was just a matter of boys being boys, but sometimes he would
hit me. Never in the face, but that's when I knew I'd gone too far. I
never knew with my mom because she always cried.
Were my hands actually shaking? This was a one-hundred and eight year
old woman not an elite-trained solider. I had my doubts that she could
cause as much trouble as she threatened. It's not like she would be
checking to see that I went to school every day. I'd just make sure from
this point on to keep the TV at a lower volume. Most people, at least in
my experience, will leave you alone once their lives are no longer
impacted. For this fossil, it probably meant I wouldn't interrupt her
tea time and viewings of Masterpiece Theatre.
I didn't really know what old people liked other than quiet. I was never
close to my grandparents on either side of the family. Our near constant
moving made it difficult for them to visit. When they did visit for
Christmas or Thanksgiving, there was usually football on the TV. The men
in my family watched football, and the women worked in the kitchen. I
knew my grandfather liked football and fishing, basically the stuff my
dad liked. Somehow, I expected that Mrs. Feinstein was different.
Greg opened the door quickly, allowing me to see Mrs. Feinstein through
something other than the peephole, which had a skewing effect. Even
though Greg wasn't tall at just under six feet, he towered over the
diminutive Mrs. Feinstein. I couldn't believe that I was scared of her
for even a millisecond. A gnarled hand gripped the metal cane. Sitting
atop the cane was a majestic-looking eagle, along its wings a string of
roses. She didn't wait to be invited into the apartment, brushing by
Greg fearlessly. Eve, who was standing behind me in the dining area,
moved to open her mouth, but was quickly silenced by the old woman's
raised hand.
The moment she entered the room, she owned it. Even I found myself
staring at her, in disbelief that such a frail frame could hold such
power. "I am Mrs. Agatha Feinstein, your downstairs neighbour. I must
say I was quite disturbed by your daughter this afternoon. I had some
concern about the amount of noise coming from your apartment, but I have
greater concern as to your parenting."
Eve and Greg exchanged dumbfounded looks. Mrs. Feinstein continued
unabated, "Why you would choose to leave a six-year old girl, a mere
child, home alone while she is ill is beyond me. Do neither of you have
parents or friends that you would trust with her care? Do you realize
that this child spent most of the morning playing a game instead of
resting? What if she had managed to find real trouble in the apartment?
What if she had injured herself? I should say as well that, based on the
noises I heard, I don't think that game is suitable for a child."
Greg and Eve stood like two disobedient students, exchanging glances and
trying to determine culpability on either side. Eve looked angrily at
Greg who withered, but when the man's eyes returned to Mrs. Feinstein,
he might as well have been trying to crawl within his own body for
protection from the lecture.
Despite Greg being the actor, Eve was the first to speak. He was, true
to his word, completely unwilling to go off script. "I'm sorry that you
were bothered by Riley. Did she tell you why we had to leave her home
alone today?"
Mrs. Feinstein said, "She said that you could not afford someone to look
after her. I would think that one of you could take the day off. I know
that there is no law in California, but I do not think it reasonable to
leave an ill six year old to her own devices."
Eve nodded. "Unfortunately neither of our parents live in town. I'm a
nurse and my...uh husband is the assistant manager of a restaurant, but
we're both starting out, and I've got student loans, so money is tight.
Riley is usually very mature for her age. If you think it's a problem
..."
Mrs. Feinstein tapped her cane on the floor and I, Eve and Greg all
stood up straighter. "I do think it is a problem, young woman. I can
appreciate your pursuing higher education after what was likely a
difficult teenage pregnancy, but you cannot leave such an unruly child
at home alone. It is dangerous for her and bothersome for those who must
share an adjacent space with her."
Eve lowered her head slowly. "We'll make sure it doesn't happen again.
It was really a one-time thing, we'd normally never leave her alone. I
left lunch and everything for her. She knows not to touch the stove.
She's a really smart girl."
Greg, who had managed to find his cowardly tongue, finally spoke up,
"And she can read. More than just picture books."
Mrs. Feinstein nodded. "I'm willing to overlook this, but I must ask
that I receive a sincere apology from your daughter. She was quite rude
to me, and it is unbecoming of a young lady to use such language."
Greg looked at me, and I shook my head. Mrs. Feinstein frowned, her
entire face seeming to cave in disapproval.
Eve said, "Riley, I've asked you not to use bad language. I know that
you like playing daddy's games, but they use bad words in them, and I
know you think it's funny to ..."
"I know you think that just because you were a teacher that you can boss
people around, but you weren't exactly invited in here. I turned the
game down. The noise is gone. You have nothing to complain about. Yeah,
I was rude, but this isn't 1919, your graduating year in high school.
People are rude, kids are rude. Deal with it."
Mrs. Feinstein narrowed her eyes at Eve and Greg- it was a clear
challenge to their authority. Amazingly, Greg was the first to speak up.
Apparently, his bout of cowardice was short lived.
"I think you should probably leave. OK?"
Greg's words were tenuous and his breathing hurried. I was certain that
they would be the equivalent of a slingshot being fired at a cement
wall. However, the wall relented, not crumbling, but merely ceded the
way. Mrs. Feinstein turned slowly, making me think we had suddenly
tumbled into a universe where everything moved in slow motion.
"Very well, it is clear who has the run of this place. I will remember
that the next time your daughter disturbs the residents of this
building."
The words were said sharply, but still, the old woman hobbled toward the
door, allowing her cane to guide her. She placed a crooked-looking hand
on the doorknob and within moments was gone.
***
"Getting him to apologize might be our only choice, Greg. This woman
could call social services. They'll be an investigation potentially. We
really need to make nice with her. You know that the next time Ryan
makes even a peep, she's going to be down here again."
"Eve, there's no way that Ryan will go for this. You don't know him the
way I do."
"That's exactly what got him in this mess, so now he's just going to
have to eat crow. And that means going to her apartment and
apologizing."
I watched the exchange between Eve and Greg silently at first, pleased
that Greg was supporting me, as he had moments ago. However, considering
the fact that Eve and I were getting along better, I was surprised to
see how quickly she returned to her old opinion of me.
She added, "We have to show we are capable. Believe me, I've seen a lot
of cases in the hospital when child services gets involved. We do not
want that kind of attention. We don't have any paperwork saying Ryan is
ours. If we don't have a legal claim to him, then we could lose him. Do
we really want to risk that?"
Greg replied, "I kind of agree with Ryan on this one. That lady can't
complain about the noise, and if he's quiet then she can't say anything.
And I really doubt she's going to check up on us again as long as Ryan
doesn't bug her again."
I came to stand next to Greg, feeling a sense of camaraderie return. The
spineless traitor that had embarrassed me in the restaurant was gone.
Incredibly, he was standing up to his girlfriend- for me.
Eve shook her head. She took a deep breath and said, "I'm not going to
spell it out any more than this, Greg. It's a simple apology. Ryan needs
to apologize for being rude. That's all. It's a completely unnecessary
risk, and for what? So Ryan can feel like some big man?"
I watched the exchange with hidden glee, doing my best to keep from
smirking. Still, I felt the corners of my mouth turn, but immediately
bit down on the inside of my lip, halting the expression.
Greg said, "No, it's because this woman is taking something as simple as
a noise complaint and turning it into a huge battle over parenting or
whatever. I had a supply teacher like her once. It was in sixth grade.
She was mean, nasty and completely unfair. Some of my friends actually
thought she was a witch. Well she blamed me for something, just because
I'd kind of mouthed off to her, and it wasn't my fault. I had detention
and missed my bus. My mom had to come pick me up, and she was so pissed.
This woman reminds me of her. She's just pushing us around Eve, can't
you see that?" I nodded my approval at Greg's speech.
Eve frowned. "She's got legitimate concerns. And I also know people like
her. People who make it their mission in life to coach other parents.
You have met my mother, right? She's like that with my sister and her
newborn. She's over there constantly pointing out all these little
things she's doing wrong. For all we know, Mrs. Feinstein could be
exactly like that. Why take the risk? Ryan just needs to apologize to
her and avoid giving her the finger when she sees us in the hall. That's
it."
Greg shook his head. "We aren't his parents. We can't make him. If Ryan
wants to apologize then he can."
Eve sighed heavily. "And what about the booster seat? We're going to get
one, right?" I knew Eve, and this wasn't a question. "Again, it's an
unnecessary risk. A routine traffic stop could get us in a lot of
trouble." Eve crossed her arms underneath her chest and furrowed a brow-
the classic pissed off-girl-I-know-I'm-right-and-you're-wrong-look.
Greg said, "We'll talk about it."
The pupil had become the master. Greg had used a line I used to feed
him. If there was something I didn't feel like doing, I'd give him that
line. He always swallowed it, and he would rarely bring it up again.
Now, he was using it on Eve. This time, I couldn't hide the smile.
Eve huffed, turned and said quickly, "I'm going for a walk."
The door slammed shut behind her. Even though she had been almost nice
to me recently, I enjoyed the sudden change in the dynamic of their
doormat-heavy feet relationship.
I couldn't help but stare at Greg in both astonishment and reverence but
realization soon struck. I smirked. "She's going to be so pissed at you.
Like really pissed. And the couch is already mine. What the hell's
gotten into you? I mean not that I'm complaining."
Greg nodded slowly. "I-I've noticed a bit of a change in you. I guess
it's the fact that every time I bring up cutting your hair, you go
practically catatonic. And then there was that commercial the other day
for Frozen on Ice. I think we need to avoid as much as possible treating
you like a little girl. I saw how you were watching it. Like how
Jessica's niece would look at it. Anyway, if keeping you out of
situations where you have to act like a kid works...then it's worth the
risk."
I swallowed hard, instantly feeling terrible for all the times I had
blown Greg off for Monique or the flavour of the week, or borrowed money
from him or- well there were plenty of things that made our relationship
somewhat one-sided. Most of them had to do with promises that weren't
kept.
"I really appreciate it, man. And I didn't really like that stuff. I was
just messing around. I wanted to see your reaction. It was priceless.
You were like, can we get front row seats."
Greg laughed, but it was partially forced. He had a habit of
exaggerating his laughter at times, especially if he felt the person
telling the joke needed the laugh- as if laughing was some kind of
therapy. He was too nice for his own good.
It created an awkwardness- because Greg never did that to me. When I
joked, he always laughed sincerely.
I asked, "What gives, man? You don't believe me? I told you that shit is
stupid."
Greg said, "Yeah, man. I do."
I wanted to believe him, even though I knew deep down that he was lying.
Why the hell did he have to be such a shitty liar?
***
"Shit! I can't believe this. Guys, come look at this!"
It was two weeks later, and I had made an incredible discovery. After
hours and hours of online research, checking hundreds of newspapers
across the United States and internationally and searching through
papers Eve brought from the hospital, the story was finally public.
The public now knew about the serum containing the fountain of youth.
The full two-page spread showed pictures of the secret laboratory below
the studio. There were before and after photos of who I assumed were
homeless people or convicts. The plot to transform adults into children
to circumvent the new California child actor law was explained in great
detail. The final part revealed the adoption agency that claimed
perfection in their 'stock'. This sordid web of deceit, manipulation and
identity destruction was linked to a major television network, the
country's largest pharmaceutical companies and even sections of the
federal government, who had apparently bankrolled the research in the
early stages.
While I had been initially against the idea of going public with the
serum, for fear I would end up as a living science experiment, it was an
incredible relief in a way. It was clear that I had lost some control,
especially with regard to my hair, which I still stubbornly refused to
cut. There were also the commercials. At my place, I'd gotten by with
just Netflix, but Eve and Greg had cable, a shitty internet plan, and no
DVR. That meant loads of commercials, some of which featured children,
and especially young girls enjoying certain things.
It got so bad that during one show, I had to leave each time the
commercials played. The Frozen on Ice wasn't the problem, yes- I had
looked at it with a certain yearning, but that desire eventually faded.
No, the problem was a commercial promoting the Frozen princess dress-up
set. It featured everything a young girl would need to play as her
favourite character from the movie, from dresses to full length gowns,
crowns, long gloves, even little slippers.
This reminded me of the fun I had with Ashley, and the memory had
decided not only to stay but to actually burrow deep into my brain,
nestling within like some hibernating animal finding its winter home. It
was like a parasite devouring my brain matter. There was a strange
warmth to it, a comfort. Despite being framed by the horrors of the
studio, there was an innocence to it because in those special moments
there was nothing else but us. Me and Ashley.
I was struck by a powerful desire to seek out Ashley, or even any other
little girls like the ones in the commercial. There was one who lived on
the second floor, probably a year younger than me. I caught on slowly
remembering that the serum had various layers. It had the layer that
sought to beat my adult mind and male ego to a bloody pulp, landing body
blow after body blow. This is what I dealt with when I peered in the
mirror, or when I was treated as I looked, or I discovered another
simple action I could complete easily as Ryan that I couldn't do half as
well or at all as Kaylee. These realizations pounded my mind, like
slavering wolves launching themselves at an injured moose. Each attack
drew more blood and the wounded animal, the remains of Ryan Sullivan,
lumbered forward, desperately trying to shake off the vicious predators.
However, there was also the sweetness, and I began to grasp that these
warm memories were far deadlier than the body blows my mind was
receiving. Like some sort of bizarre Stockholm Syndrome, a portion of my
mind was slowly surrendering to the reality envisioned by the serum.
This surrender was hastened by wonderful memories of smiling children
laughing at play.
Pretty little princesses playing dress up.
I continued to battle the serum, demonstrating to Dr. Travers that his
serum is a failure. However, deep within my mind, I knew that I couldn't
last forever- the barrages would pierce my defences eventually, leaving
only Kaylee in their wake. This is why I was so relieved. I had
suffered lapses in my control, but with the serum's existence now
public, it would mean an army of scientists in my corner.
And that meant a possible cure.
It was the first glimpse of hope, the tiny ray of sunshine attempting to
pierce a seemingly endless grey sky.
Eve and Greg hurried over to where I had the newspaper spread over the
kitchen table. Once again, one was leaving and the other was just
arriving home from a lengthy shift. Greg gave Eve a groggy kiss. He had
gotten in around two in the morning, and my shouting had woken him, but
unlike me in a similar situation, he didn't look pissed.
He actually looked happy. Things had not been great between him and Eve
lately as the two could often be heard fighting behind closed doors
about a contentious subject- me. I pointed to the paper splayed out on
the table proudly, as if showing a picture where I had coloured inside
all the lines.
Eyes scanned the page, and my gaze zeroed in, impatiently awaiting their
reaction. I knew they would be happy. For Eve, I likely wouldn't be
living here any longer, and Greg- well he would have Ryan Sullivan back.
Maybe I could even call Jessica...or even Hannah?
My mom too. Just to check in with her. I wasn't going to visit her or
anything.
Eve looked at me and began biting the inside of her lip, while Greg was
still scanning the article.
"Ryan, I-I didn't mean to bring this home. It's a tabloid. Nothing in
this thing is true. It's a supermarket trash paper. Just for
entertainment. I'm sorry, Ryan, but I don't think it's going to go
anywhere."
Eve reached her arms out toward me, but I didn't reciprocate. Did she
really think I was going to come crying into her arms?
"But it is true. Every word of it is true! People are going to read
this, and they'll see what they did to us- to me!"
Eve frowned deeply and shook her head. "You know it's true, but the
story is so farfetched that most will believe it's fake. This is the
National Enquirer. It's basically a tabloid paper that thrives on
getting people to buy it with sensational headlines. And this is a paper
from three weeks ago. There's been nothing on the news, right?"
I shook my head. "But someone knows! I mean someone told the paper that
fucking story. Every last thing they wrote is fucking true!" I
emphasized my point with two firm stomps of my feet. Greg looked at me
with wide eyes and then turned to Eve.
"That's not totally true though, Eve. The Enquirer is right sometimes.
My grandma bought the stupid thing every week. My dad would read them
for a joke, but it turns out some stuff they publish does end up as the
truth."
Eve sighed heavily. "I don't think it's right to get his hopes up like
this. It's obvious that one of the press contacts I got from the
hospital spokesperson fed this story to the Enquirer. I mean it's
weirder than the stuff they usually publish but with the whole industry
dying- it'll sell papers and drive views to their website."
I said, "Well what if get in contact with the paper. Tell them that I'll
do an interview or something. I'll back up everything they said."
Eve replied, "The problem is that the Enquirer and other tabloids have
awful reputations. Most people don't believe the paper publishes
anything resembling the truth. If we want to put pressure on the police
to release Tracy or for scientists to help find a cure, then we need a
legitimate media outlet to tell the story."
I said, "OK. So how do we get them to listen?"
Greg replied, "Hey...it might be a long shot, but what if we went to the
studio? The lab is still there, right? I mean as long as you are OK with
this. Going public with it I mean. We could probably find something at
the lab to prove what happened to you is true."
Eve interjected, "Hold on, this doesn't make any sense. I mean I never
told the media contacts about the lab or the serum or any of the really
unbelievable stuff. I said that the police were holding a woman who had
allegedly exploited child actors. Making them work longer hours and
stuff like that. No one should know about the other stuff. I don't know
how the Enquirer got that information."
I said, "It's insane though, everything they say is true. It's like they
were there in the studio. I saw everyone get arrested except for this
crazy lady named Mrs. Daniels and that fucker Travers. The two ambulance
guys got picked up. They were the only other people. Unless some cop who
collected the evidence leaked it or something. It's fucked up either
way."
Greg said, "If this all comes out though, Ryan- you could spend the rest
of your life in a lab. We'll do what we can to have you stay here. Are
you sure you want to?"
I nodded. "Tracy wanted me to tell, and now I know why. People don't
want this getting out. Dr. Travers talked about a balance, like if
people could be young forever it would fuck up society. If there were no
really bad diseases or whatever. That's why he was OK with the serum
being used for the adoption agency. But that's just his messed up
opinion. It could also really help people. So whoever did this thinks it
might get out, they put the story in a crap paper that no one will
believe to try and kill the story."
Eve looked at me with a mix of astonishment and respect. I shook my head
slowly. "You know I'm not stupid."
Eve nodded, her shoulders slumping apologetically. "I know, Ryan.
Sorry." She perked up. "I think you're right. We should go to the studio
tonight."
I smirked. "I call shotgun." Greg grinned.
***
The first time I had set foot in the studio, I was brash. My bravado,
like a tank driving down the expressway in bumper-to-bumper traffic, was
powerful- unflinching. I mirrored Tracy making her at ease, while I spun
lie after lie. I didn't like to dwell in the past. It was just easier to
move on and forge a new path, as I had many times before, leaving
friends and, of course, family.
However, this time was different. There was no forgetting what happened
to me in the studio and how I ended up there. If I hadn't been so
desperate, stubborn and so full of lies, I wouldn't have been sitting in
the front seat of Greg's sedan, the shoulder strap pressing tightly
against my neck. I would have been working at the Burger Palace, taking
what auditions I could, and hopefully, in the first serious relationship
of my twenties.
My mind waffled back and forth- despair to hope and back again, but as
we neared the studio something else crept in. I felt a tinge of fear
almost like cold, skeletal hands inching their way up my back. The thin
boney digits thrust into the back of my neck, and I jumped in my seat.
They almost felt like needles puncturing my skin.
I started breathing more heavily, each breath coming in short, rapid
bursts. My hands shook gently as the studio came into view. However,
instead of the non-descript grey building with the fading network logo,
I saw a twisted crooked structure. The simple rectangular frame stood
out like a living piece of art, my imagination quickly taking the image
and warping it beyond recognition. A nightmarish house stood in place of
the studio. Shutters slapped against the side of the house fighting the
wind in an effort to hide the horrors within. The only visible light
came from a single candle held by a tall shadow. Above the porch was a
terrace, however, instead of blooming vibrant flowers, all that remained
were brown husks. The husks danced in the wind, but it was clear that
whatever had grown there once, was now dead.
Kaylee...
I peered out from the car, eyes wide in terror, hands firmly gripping
the sides of the seat, as if I feared an imminent crash and didn't trust
my seatbelt.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Ryan, we're here. Are you OK?" It was
Greg.
I nodded slowly, realization slowly setting in- the haunted house was
gone, replaced by the studio and its parking lot with a single street
lamp. "Yeah."
Greg said gently, "You can stay here with one of us if you want. You
don't have to go in."
I shook my head, feeling my bluster return. "Fuck, man, you are so soft.
You said it yourself, you can't treat me like this. I have to do this.
And I need to be there when you take the video. I was in that lab. I
know what it looks like, and I need to tell the story of what happened
there. It's not going to be legit if you just take some random video."
Eve said, "He's right, Greg. If this plan is going to work, we need Ryan
in there. It'll be more real that way. Then we can contact the media and
say we've got proof. Even if only one reporter actually believes us,
maybe they'll put pressure on the police to release a statement about
Tracy. Or the studio."
Greg looked hurt momentarily. "I know, Eve."
He then looked back at me, and I gave him a brave face, along with a
well-placed finger for doubting me. It was hard to ignore the fact that
my imagination had taken control, rendering me nearly catatonic as it
painted the studio as a scene from a horror movie. The worst part,
however, was the fact that, like the monsters my mind conjured while I
lay on the bunk in the studio bedroom, my imagination had created
something stereotypically frightening to a small child.
I prided myself on being relatively fearless. From a young age, I was
climbing fences and trees, and when I got older, this translated to a
bold, uncompromising personality. However, the studio turned haunted
house had scared me. I told myself that the fear was normal. After all,
this was the place where I had been stripped of my body and nearly
stripped of my personality and even my memories. Still, there was a
nagging sensation, akin to a small pin prick in my brain, that the way
my fear manifested was childish.
Adults worried about their paycheques, their next meal, their career,
and their lives in general. This was real fear. My fear of failure, the
fact that I consistently ran from my problems instead of facing them and
growing up in the process were legitimate concerns. Monsters and haunted
houses were make believe. Stupid camp fire stories.
Scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat, Kaylee is a scaredy-cat...
Would the other kids laugh at me? The boys would and definitely Mark.
Memories of the studio flooded my mind, and I desperately missed Ashley.
Was coming back here a mistake?
My head moved on a swivel, hoping desperately that neither Eve nor Greg
saw the genuine fear on my face. I quickly realized that I was alone in
the car, and while I was pleased neither of them had seen the weakness,
the sudden separation sent my heart racing again. I stepped out of the
car, fighting the urge to reach out and hold Eve's hand- to feel
comforted and protected.
There was a bizarre magnetism between the two of us now. Somehow,
despite my adult and male self being vehemently against such contact,
the child in me sought out Eve, knowing that she had the ability to calm
my fear and anxiety, almost like a...mother's touch.
No fucking way. I couldn't think of Eve that way. It was giving into the
serum.
It was giving up.
Greg asked, "Man, if you want to come back in the day- we can do that.
If this place brings back too many bad memories, maybe it's not a good
idea? What happened to you here? Maybe it'll help us understand better.
I know there's more to it than the article said. There's something you
aren't telling us. What if it helps us get the media involved?"
I shook my head and reached up to pull on Greg's shirt, trying to bring
him down to eye level. Despite Greg being significantly taller and
stronger than me, he acquiesced, slowly allowing my tugging to bring him
to my level. "Some crazy shit happened to me. Crazier than becoming a
little girl, OK? That's all you need to know. I'm not telling you fuck
all, understand?"
I felt a soft hand on my shoulder. "We're just trying to help, Ryan. But
Greg is right, you keeping this from us isn't good. If we knew the whole
story, maybe we'd be able to help more. At least better understand what
you went through and what you're going through now. But I'm sure you'll
tell us when you're ready."
I glared at Eve and broke away from them. I did an about face, planting
my hands on my hips while preparing to address Eve. My anger flared,
like a single flame carried by the wind over a desiccated landscape
bringing with it the threat of an uncontrollable wild fire. Like my
imagination, the rage I felt was powerful, but it was soon replaced,
swept away like a tiny boat in a tsunami. An overwhelming sense of
uneasiness overcame me, followed by a massive dose of doubt.
I stared straight ahead, in shock at the ping pong ball nature of my
emotions, but completely unable to control them. "Y-You'd just laugh at
me. You'd probably think the whole thing was fucking hilarious."
My imagination joined with this self-doubt, creating vivid images of
Greg and Eve, pointing, their faces contorted in near orgasmic bliss. It
made no sense, but in that moment, I believed that would be their
reaction if I revealed Ms. Daniels' plan for me and Ashley. They would
see Ryan Sullivan as a laughing stock.
Instead of continuing the battle of words, Eve said simply, "Let's go
inside."
***
Cellphones provided the only source of light in the studio's darkened
halls. My heart continued its rapid pace, not simply beating, but
slamming against my chest. Despite this, I chose to lead. I wouldn't
hide behind Eve's legs, like a burgeoning part of myself desperately
wanted. I ignored the comforting aura that she offered, knowing that
giving in meant weighing down Ryan Sullivan to the point where he could
no longer break the surface of a shared personality.
I did my best to ignore how the light cast shadows, creating terrible
monstrosities with an appetite for six year old girls.
Gradually, as we reached the door to the laboratory, my courage
returned. There were points through the brief journey where I held my
breath to avoid shrieking in fright as one of the shadow monsters danced
toward me. My imagination coupled with blossoming childish fears created
a potent cocktail where my mind was bombarded with real and imagined
terrors. The needles puncturing the skin, the cries, all of this was
real, but combined with the imagined fear- I was surprised- even shocked
that I actually stood in front of the door to my possible salvation.
Hope pushed me along too, but it was also the sense that I would not
allow the childish fears to control me- to govern my behaviour.
Even the metallic staircase, where Ashley had reached out for my hand,
where two frightened little girls had walked, held no power over me. The
metallic steps sent echoes through the wide stairwell, mingling with my
own breathing, my heart, the voices in my head that told me to scream,
to run- but still we descended.
Eve and Greg didn't say a word, and I was thankful for that. I needed
time to return to a figure of power in their eyes- to stand as Ryan
Sullivan again. The fact that I went first told them all they needed to
know about my reaction to my behaviour mere moments ago.
The bottom of the staircase came quickly, and I led Greg and Eve toward
the laboratory. Lights shone over complex scientific equipment attached
to beakers and tubes- the apparatus where the serum collected before Dr.
Travers was likely stabbed to death by Mrs. Daniels, it was all there
still.
I was surprised to see that the police, the federal agents, or whoever
had come, had left it all there.
An object brushed against my foot. The nearly blinding light provided by
my cellphone revealed a needle, and it appeared to be filled with a
greenish liquid. Not