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My Son Janet L. Stickney [email protected] My name is Carol Stewart. I have a watched as my son slowly became more like a girl than a boy. When he was a youngster he would play dress up in his sisters clothes, a game of dress up that all kids played. By the time he was nine, and still playing dress up, I began to wonder a bit, yet it seemed so harmless that I let it go. When he was 11 I saw him all dressed up again, wearing a nice blue and white dress with white tights and shoes, his hair brushed out, with barrettes set one on each side of his head. He wore just a bit of blusher and pale red lipstick, carried a purse, and looked absolutely adorable. Scared, but adorable. By then of course, he had figured out that boys don't wear dresses, and had become a bit more discrete, but this wasn't one of those times. I had gone into my daughter Beth's room, and there he was, with Beth sitting on the bed, a brush in her hand. I told him he looked nice and left, not wanting to make him ashamed. Unlike his father, Colin has always been on the skinny side. When he was 12 he was only 4'6," tall. Now, after a growth spurt, he's 5'6," tall, but still skinny. Most of his friends are a bit taller, and a tad heavier than he is, but the doctor said that this might be as tall as he'll get. My name is Colin. I have been writing, keeping a diary, about myself for years, recording all of the torment and anger, frustration and hate that always seemed to rise to the surface every time I got dressed as a girl. All of my files were on the computer, which my parents had given me for my own, although they both used it once in a while. I'm a short, skinny, boy with mild acne. Just yesterday I had found the chance to dress up and I did, with results, that by my standards, put me somewhere between the ugliest girl you ever saw and a clown. Once again frustrated I cleaned up and went to my computer and added to my long list of failures. I hated what I felt I had to do, but maybe that was because I thought that I always looked so bad. Once, just once, if I could manage to look like a girl, good enough to go out somewhere I mean, maybe this would all go away. On Friday I went to school just like always, and spent another whole day waiting for the summer break to begin. Two more days and this will all be over. Rachel Jenkins sits next to me, and like me, doesn't quite fit in at school. We're part of the group that sometimes gets left out because we're too smart, not pretty, not very athletic, or don't dress right. Rachel and I started school together and have been together all these years. Rachel isn't fat, or even ugly. In fact, she's very nice looking except for one small thing. Her eyes tend to cross when she's tired. She's about as tall as I am, and just about as big around, and other than her hips and boobs, I could probably wear her clothes, which I had even thought of a few times. If I told her I wanted to get into her panties, she would think one thing, while I meant another, and she might even take me serious, but the wrong way! "I'm getting my eyes fixed this summer Colin. The doctor says I'm old enough now for the surgery." "That's cool Rachel, I hope it comes out okay." "How about you? What are you doing this summer?" "Just bumming around I guess. Maybe a job at the Burger Bin." When school let out, Rachel and I walked home together, just like always; I went the rest of the way home alone. I live with my mother. She and I are alone now, after my dad died and Beth joined the Air Force. The house seemed empty and I went to my room to slip on some shorts, and there sat my mother, reading my diary! The minute the door to my room creaked, she looked up and saw me. "This is...very interesting Colin, why didn't you tell me?" All I could manage was a shrug, but mom pointed to the bed and I sat down as she moved her chair to face me. "I wasn't snooping Colin. I came up to use the computer for some research and stumbled on this file, and I must say, I'm just a bit stunned. You want to dress like a girl, be able to go out, and not be detected?" I said nothing as I studied the tops of my shoes. My secret was out now, and I had no idea what mom was going to do next, so I kept silent. "It isn't that kind of strange, for a boy to want to be a girl Colin? I want to know why you felt that you could not tell me." Then I snapped and it all came out in a rush. "You read the whole thing?" Mom nodded her head yes. About the time I found Colin's diary, my husband was killed in an auto accident. After we buried him, maybe three or four weeks later, I saw Colin dressed once again. He had just turned 14, Beth had left to join the Air Force, and we had the house to ourselves. When Beth left she only took a few of her things, leaving the rest because she wouldn't need them, which of course gave Colin a huge wardrobe to chose from. He was in Beth's room, dressed in a simple shift, pantyhose and flats, his hair pulled into a ponytail and wearing just lipstick when I walked in on him. I said nothing. There was no doubt in my mind at all now. Colin liked, needed, or wanted to dress as a girl. I had read a few things, seen some boys and men like Colin on television, and knew that he wasn't going to stop, even if I told him too. That only left me with one real choice. I could help him, or I could abandon him and let him conquer this on his own. When our eyes met, he froze in place, unable to speak to me, yet I knew, just by looking at him that with just a little bit of effort he would be gorgeous. I wasn't that fond of having a son that wanted to dress as a girl, but I have one, and all I could do was live with it. Colin stood still as I walked into the room, then sat on the bed. He turned to face me, the fear etched on his face clear, the uncertainty of what I might do weighing him down. I thought he might cry right then, so I went to the vanity and asked him to sit down. His hair is straight, with not one curl in it anywhere. I took the ponytail out and let his hair hang down, then used the spritzer to wet it. The curling iron was there, so I plugged it in, brushing his hair out as we waited for it to heat up. His hair is shoulder length, but uneven, so I used the scissors to trim the ends, then the curling iron to make it curl under. A simple part down the middle, then bangs that I trimmed above his eyebrows, and hair clips to hold the hair back on the sides. The dress was flat on his chest, which meant that he did not have a bra on, and since most 14 year old girls have at least some development, I unzipped the dress and let it slide off. I found an old bra of Beth's and wrapped it around him, padding the cups with nylons before he slipped the dress back on. He said nothing at all while I did this, yet I could see the slow grin on his face, and it was obvious that he loved it. "Stand over here and look in the mirror Colin." He did as I told him, then watched as I slipped a gold necklace around his neck and attached a pair of earrings. His hands were folded in front of himself, his knees locked together, as were his heels. He actually had very nice legs, which the high hem of the dress showed off. Finally, he looked at me, the question written on his face. I took his hand in mine and walked out of the room and out to the patio. He hesitated at the door, but I looked at him, gave a small tug, and he finally stepped outside. We sat at the table under the shade of the umbrella, nobody could see us, yet he was very nervous. As a girl, contrary to what he had written in his diary, he is stunning, and I can't take my eyes off him. His blue eyes with their long lashes looking at me, his wide pouty lips highlighted by the soft red lipstick outlining his smile. Everything about him is exquisite. His natural auburn hair falls a few inches above his shoulders, curled under in a simple pageboy. Gold earrings and a thin gold necklace finish the perfect picture. He has on a simple blue sleeveless dress with a modest round neckline. The simplicity of the dress highlights his beauty and draws my eyes to his face. So far he had said nothing, but I was watching as he sat down, and he was as feminine as most 14 year old girls. As the breeze rippled through his hair I realized that it didn't matter if I liked it or not, I would have to help him become better whenever he dressed as a girl. It was that, or risk having him try this on his own, get hurt, or worse, attacked. "We have to work together on this Colin. Since you obviously want to dress as a girl, I'm going to help you, but you have to do this my way, but first I want to know about this new daughter of mine. I want to know your name, what you like, and more, what kind of girl you want to become." Colin said nothing for a moment, but he was fidgeting in his seat, trying to find the words, then... "I use the name Colleen." The words came out in a rush as he finally admitted this to me. His head was down, then he raised his eyes to me and I saw that he had drawn strength from somewhere. "I want to be a girl mother, and I always have. Beth is gone now and I thought that I might..." "Use her clothes?" "Yes." "Do you want to be like Beth?" "Not really. More like Rachel I guess." Rachel lives down the street, and has known Colin since they started school together. She's is a very pretty, well mannered girl with dark brown eyes and sandy blonde hair. I knew that she and Colin had played dress up when they were children, which made me wondered if she knew about Colleen, but then I thought better of it. Of course she doesn't know! He finally told me that he liked everything about being dressed as a girl, and didn't want to quit. Then I proposed that we go together to the store and get him some panties and bras of his own, maybe some better makeup, and possibly some shoes. His reaction did not match his statement. He said he wanted to be like Rachel, and yet he was scared to death to leave the house! "You can't stay in the house forever Colleen. You have to experience what it's like to go shopping as a girl. I'll be with you, so there's no need to be afraid." He tried to say no, but I went in the house and found him a simple shoulder bag, put an old wallet in it plus his lipstick. When I returned, he stood up as I handed him the bag. "Ready?" He stood there, still scared, so I took his hand and we walked out to the car. As soon as we were at the mall he opened the door and stood next to the car, no fear on his face at all! Then I realized that he was afraid of the neighbors! "Are you okay Colleen?" "I'm fine mother." With that, we walked into the mall. Colleen did not have a clue about what she really needed, except that she wanted it all. Budget limitations what they are, we stuck to the basic things, like panties and two new bras, two pair of shoes, and of course some makeup that was better suited to her coloring. As we passed a fantasy store for men, I saw a pair of small breastforms in the window. "You can use those Colleen, let's get you a pair." Her first reaction was a smile, then a subtle yet definite fear. I took her hand and went into the store and asked for a size A, then in the changing room replaced the nylons in her bra with the breastforms. The weight and they way they felt had an immediate effect on her. She stood up straighter, smiled, and I knew I had done the right thing for her. With every step she took the new breasts bounced like a normal breast would, and I saw the smile on her face as it grew larger, her mannerisms were more feminine, and her whole body relaxed. We toured the mall, just a mother and daughter having a fun day together. I saw some of her friends, yet none of them looked at Colleen as if she were anything but a girl! Except one. We were in front of Pan's when Rachel walked up. "Hi!" I turned and saw her standing there, a smile on her face. "Hi, I haven't seen you in a very long time!" Colleen did not react like I thought she would. She smiled at Rachel, then gave her a hug! "You've grown up..." "Rachel, this is Colleen," I said. "We were about to have lunch Rachel, would you like to join us?" She said yes, and the three of us went into a small restaurant. "You're even prettier than the last time I saw you Colleen!" "I try." Colleen was trying to be very calm about this, but I could see that she was getting nervous, so after lunch we said goodbye to Rachel and went home. I did not push her to try on anything, nor did I tell her to change. If Colleen wanted to change she would. I sat at the kitchen table alone, wondering how I would cope with this. We have family to consider, friends and neighbors close by, some of whom might not be very kind to Colleen. Yet, if I said no to her dressing up, she would only retreat into silence and do it anyway. That much was clear. If I helped her, in how to dress and some mannerisms, even just a little, she might have a chance to grow up unafraid to be herself. It wasn't simply a matter of if I would help her, I had to help her. I could restrict the times she could dress up of course, and probably would, but not right now. Rachel showed up about an hour after we got home. I watched as Colleen and Rachel sat on the patio talking. I did not to listen in of course, but I do understand body language, and based on the way Colleen was acting, she and Rachel were coming to terms with the new reality of Colin's life. To look at them, they seemed to be two little girls just starting on the road to womanhood, yet one of them was my son. I had gone as far as I could for Colleen right now. My whole life was changing right in front of my eyes. With Beth gone, I knew that Colin and I would have some issues to work out, but I never expected this! Buying him some panties and bras, with a small makeup kit was my way of telling him I was trying to understand his needs. Watching the two girls gave me a chill. I remembered seeing Beth and her friends sitting in the same place, doing the same things. I needed to know more about what Colin was doing, and why. Rachel went home a few hours later, then Colleen helped me make dinner. Quiet, she looked like any other girl her age, which is a bit scary. Still awkward, she did her best to move and act like a girl, and I decided not to ask her what they talked about. She would tell me when the time was right. That night, after she went to bed, I lay in bed reading her diary. Her pain and anger was clear, her inability to tell me about herself driven by the fear that I would quit loving her. As I read the pages, her torment became clearer, and I felt the tears forming in my eyes as she begged to have someone, anyone, try to understand her. Rather than hate my son, I began to see the depth of his feelings. Colin is a bright child, polite almost to a fault, always ready to help out without complaint, does his school work, and holds good grades. All of this in spite of his inner conflicts. I had to learn more about boys like Colin. One thing was certain, he did not look as bad as he thought he did. The next day he showed up for breakfast wearing shorts and a pink top, his hair in a ponytail, with just a trace of pink lipstick on his lips. At first glance he looked like a girl, but very neutral. Except for the lipstick, he looked almost like he usually did, especially since he did not have a bra on. For most of the day he and I cleaned the house, did laundry and so on, then he went to his room and shut himself inside. All day I had watched him as he went about his chores, but saw no sign that he even cared that I saw he was wearing lipstick, or the pink top. Now, he at least felt safe enough around me when he was dressed as a girl to express himself a little. I did not intrude on him for the rest of the day. That night he went to bed early. While he was at school, I went to the library on my lunch hour and checked out some books that related to what Colin was going through, and that night after dinner I went to my room to read. My initial reaction was correct. Boys that start as young as Colin almost never give up dressing as females. Some, even most, according to the books, went on to become productive, married and had families. A few were Gay and soon dropped the dressing altogether, the rest went on to become women using surgery. At Colin's age it was too soon to determine which path was his. I also found out that if I helped him, set standards for him and times he could dress, he would not be so afraid to express his feminine side. That all agreed with my first thoughts. Each night after school we would eat dinner, he would do his homework, and rarely appear. Except on Friday. Colin gets home two hours before I do, so when I got home that night Colleen was there, dressed in a cute green and white plaid skirt with a white blouse that had a round neck collar, pantyhose and her new black flats. Her hair was once again in a ponytail, but her makeup was done very well. She had used soft copper over a light gray with black eyeliner. Her nails were longer now, which means she used fake nails and painted them a soft pink. Small gold button earrings sat on her lobes, a gold necklace with a green stone around her neck. As soon as I walked in the house she stood up, a smile on her face. Colleen looked better than ever. "Hello!" "Hi mom." "You look very nice dear." There was clearly something on her mind, so I asked her what it was. "I thought we might go roller skating tonight." She knew that a lot of her friends would be there, and I wondered why Colleen wanted to go skating, especially since she's such a good skater as Colin. There was no denying that Colleen has an angelic face, and certainly looked like an average girl her age, yet, when she asked me to go, my first reaction was to protect her and say no. But I found myself unable to say no to her. She would not have asked me if she wasn't confident enough to try it, so I nodded my head yes. In my youth I was pretty good on skates, but now, well, I wasn't so sure, but I went to change. As I slipped off my dress I looked at myself in the mirror. My body was still in nice shape, I still wear a size ten, and at 38 years old, I didn't feel old at all. I pulled on my blue pantybrief with the matching tennis skirt and a blouse, stepped into my gym shoes, and went back to join Colleen. "A lot of your friends will be there tonight, are you sure about this?" She nodded her head yes, then we left to grab a quick burger before we went to the rink. "Rachel will be there?" I asked, hoping that Colleen had thought to ask her. "She said she would be there after dinner." Colleen looked at me with those big eyes of hers and smiled at me. "It'll be okay mom, really." I wasn't so sure, but Colleen sounded so confident that I put it in the back of my mind. Colleen has her own skates, but of course they are black, like most boys skates, so, right after we walked in she went to the pro shop and bought green skate covers. As I laced up my own skates she quietly slipped on hers, then pulled the boot cover over them, effectively turning her skates into girls skates. She was up and out on the floor before I was, slowly moving around the floor in a gentle rhythm, twirling around once in a while, exposing her green Lycra panties. She had planned this in advance! I joined her on the floor, gaining my legs so to speak, watching as Colleen began to do a slow figure eight, double Mohawks back to back on one foot. She is really very graceful when she skates I noticed. Then a young man went to her, spoke, then I watched as she took his hand and began to do the simple Glide waltz. Colleen was smiling at her companion, paying no attention to anyone else as they made their way around the rink. I recognized the boy, he lived about two blocks away from us. Watching them I was not aware of the man when he came to me and asked me to join him. He said his name was Dan. He took my hand in his, then we joined Colleen and several others as we skated around the floor. Dan is tall, slightly balding, with brown eyes that twinkled a lot. He seemed to have an easy natural smile, and as we moved around the floor his arm went around my waist. "Is that your daughter over there?" He pointed to Colleen, and I nodded my head yes. "She and that boy seem to have hit it off." I looked and saw that Colleen was wrapped in his arms as they attempted a rolling spin out, the smile still etched on her face, then, as I was watching them, the boy bent over and kissed her! Colleen did not react like I thought she would. She smiled at him and said something as he folded her to him again! Dan led the way as the music turned up tempo, pulled me closer, and asked if I knew how to do a roll out. I nodded my head and we executed it perfectly. Then, "where did the kids disappear to?" I looked around, and saw the top of Colleens head as she slipped into the ladies room! Then I saw Rachel lacing up her skates. I really wanted to join Colleen, but she went in alone, and I figured that she knew what she was doing and stayed with Dan. Then I saw Rachel go in the ladies. "I saw you out there with Frank, he's only the cutest boy in the school Colleen!" "I know that. He asked me to skate and I did, that's all." "What about when he kissed you?" "He was overcome by my beauty and couldn't help himself." Rachel is my very best friend in school, and the only one except mom and I that knows that I'm not a girl. Mom thinks I'm crazy to come here like this, but I'm not. I planned this the minute mom and I got back from shopping. I spent hours every night making sure I had everything. I even bought these green Lycra panties, just for tonight. Sure, I was scared the first time we went out to the mall, but after I got the breastforms, and mom seemed to be a little less tense, I knew I had to try it. If I could become Colleen here, with so many of my friends around, I would be able to do it anywhere. I didn't plan on Frank kissing me, that just happened, but I can't say I didn't like it. Mom is skating with David's dad, which makes me happy, because she has been so lonely since dad died and Beth moved away. I touched up my lipstick just as Rachel came in the ladies, so I waited, then we went out skating together. All my life I've known about Colleen, the girl I had inside, and dressed up as a girl every chance I got, and was caught a few times. I don't know why I feel this way, but every time I have the chance to become Colleen it's like a wave of calm comes over me. I never feel as if it's wrong for me to wear a skirt or, but I have to be dressed all the way, just like any other girl my age, like Rachel for instance. I kept the diary, which maybe I shouldn't have, but every thing in it is true. Rachel grabbed my hand and we raced out on the floor, gaining speed as we approached mom. I moved to the inside, crouched low, then sprang into the air and did a perfect double axel, landing on one foot, losing speed until I turned to face mom and Dan, a grin on my face. Mom smiled at me, then Rachel and I slowed so we could talk. "Show off!" I smiled at her and shrugged. "Your skirt was up around your waist Colleen, but I saw the way your boobs bounced when you landed, and since I know you don't have any, how did you manage that?" I said nothing and sped up again, meeting mom on the far side of the rink, Rachel right behind me. "That was very good Colleen, the best so far!" "Thanks mom." "She's just showing off Mrs. G." "And she does it very well Rachel." Just then the lights went dim and it was a couples only. Mom and Dan stayed out there as Rachel and I went to the benches. Ben came and got Rachel, leaving me alone, watching. Then I felt a tap on my arm, and turned to see David standing there grinning. "Hi. I'm David. Want to dance?" I took his hand and we joined the others. "My name is Colleen." He wasn't as good a skater as Frank, but we managed to survive two waltzes before he wanted to buy me a pop. I saw mom deep in conversation with Dan, and nodded my head yes. David is very popular in school. He's not pretty like some of the boys are, or even tall and husky. He's not on a sports team, and yet, he has a charm that draws people to him. When he asked me to dance I was a bit shocked, because he always has the best looking girls around him. I took his hand as we walked into the soda stand. Under the glare of the bright lights he looked even better. David has that crooked smile of his and those wide brown eyes of his. Not rugged yet, but he would grow into that. "How come I've never seen you here before Colleen? I come here all the time, and know most of the best skaters by sight." "I'm new here David." He accepted that, and later, we drifted back out on the floor. "I see my son has discovered your daughter Carol." Hand in hand, Colleen and David slowly made their way past us, both grinning, both enjoying the evening. "They make such a cute couple, I was wondering if you and I might try it, say, over dinner?" The very thought of dating again was intoxicating, and without thought I agreed, then I realized what I had done. Dan thinks that Colleen is a girl of course, which means that my "daughter," and I have some things to discuss! David and Colleen were skating together, Ben and Rachel close behind them, and Colleen and Rachel were both smiling as the boys held them close. My first view about Colleen was changing rapidly as I watched. At no time did she ever act like a boy, and I knew that her desire to become a girl was growing very strong. Dan and I decided to change out of our skates and simply watch the kids. As we sat on the bench unlacing our skates. "Carol", I turned, and Dan gently kissed me on the lips! He was smiling at me. I said nothing , then when I had my gym shoes on again I stood at the railing watching Colleen. She is an excellent skater, even as a girl, and each of her movements were executed flawlessly. As Colin, she is working on her third dance bar. I let her skate another half hour, then made her change. As we drove home, we were both silent, each of us deep in our own thoughts. Once we were in the house I started to ask Colleen about how she felt, when she asked me if Dan had asked me out. "Yes, he did, and I said yes." "David said he was gaga over you. I knew he would ask you out mom." I sat on the couch and looked at her, still flush with excitement, smiling and still looking so much like a girl. "You did a masterful bit of planning tonight Colleen. Those Lycra panties for example, then of course there's Dan." "I didn't plan on that mom, it just happened." "When Dan comes to get me he'll expect to see you, as Colleen of course, and once he finds out where we live he'll tell David, who is your classmate. I wonder what will happen when David puts it together and figures out who you really are Colleen." She didn't even flinch when I mentioned it, but smiled at me! "That only means I get to be Colleen more often then doesn't it?" With that she bounded up the stairs and changed into her nightgown, then returned to the familyroom. She still looked like a girl, even without the breastforms. It was scary in a way. I could put my foot down and make her stop of course, but she was now known, and there wasn't any good way to explain away her absence if I did that. I was effectively trapped into letting her become Colleen whenever I needed her! With a sigh I went up and put my nightgown on, then went to the familyroom to be with Colleen. She sat across from me as we stared at each other, different thoughts for different reasons coursing through us. The Colleen giggled. "I saw Dan kiss you mom, did you like it?" "Did you like it when that boy Frank kissed you?" "Sure! Didn't you?" "Colleen, you're a boy!" "They don't know that, and for the first time I really enjoyed myself as a girl mother. You didn't answer my question." "Yes, I enjoyed it," I said, then smiled at Colleen. "We're in a pickle now Colleen, and no matter how much you might want to be a girl, you're not, and this will, not might, cause us both some serious grief." "Unless we're careful mother." "Somehow I don't think that's going to matter. People will find out, talk, and then what?" "Then I become Colleen all the time mother." Her matter of fact tone made it all sound so easy, but I knew it would not be easy, maybe not even pleasant. The ignorance of youth gets them by once in a while, but in the end, the chicken always comes home to roost. I had to worry about school, documents, and more if she were to become Colleen all the time. The recent spate of shootings in some high schools did not make me anxious to have her attend as a girl, get found out, then get dead because some kid didn't like it. No. The stakes are way too high for me to risk that! Colleen and I went to bed, and I'm sure we were each sharing thoughts of a handsome male kissing us. I know I was, but it was Colleen I was worried about. Her demeanor all evening was so feminine that even I had trouble separating my son from the girl I was watching. She had gone from a boy filled with self doubt to a vivacious young girl in a few short weeks, a change so rapid that both she and I were still trying to cope with it. I lay there searching for a way out. I could say no to Dan, yet sooner or later Colin and I would once again be in the same fix again, and somehow it seemed better to try and resolve this now rather than later. I couldn't think of one thing to ease the conflict. The next day was Saturday, so we both slept a little later, but when Colleen showed up in the kitchen, I had to gasp. Somehow she had found a way to make her skinny hips wider, and her male equipment had also been taken care of. She had on an old pair of Beth's hot pants, which defined her waist and hips perfectly! As the material tapered into her crotch, there was no sign of a boy. Her top left her navel open to view. She wore her gym shoes, a scrunchy on her ponytail that looked like a bow, and thin makeup. There was no way to deny her sex appeal, none at all, and it left me speechless for a moment. "Like it? I used washrags folded once to pad my hips!" I made breakfast, then went to change. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. My breasts weren't sagging too bad, my legs were good, my butt a bit flabby, but my waist was trim. My hand went to my sex, then I dressed. The passing thought I had was scary. Beth and I often changed in the same room without a thought. If Colleen stayed very much longer we might also be thrust into the same situation. Then I thought of the way she looked this morning. I pulled on the shorts and a top, my gym shoes and brushed my hair out. Colleen was still at the table, waiting for me. "Mom." She stood up and asked me to look at her. "I can become a girl all of the time if you let me." She was probably right, but those demons I wondered about the night before popped up again. Before I could answer her Rachel showed up and the two of them went up to Colin's room. "You sure set David on fire last night Colleen! He's sure to call you, especially since his dad asked your mom out." "She says that by going out with Dan, it might get her and I in some trouble, especially when David finds out who I am. I told her I was willing to become Colleen all of the time but she never agreed to it, and I don't know what's going to happen." "Let's find out then." "How?" "Let's go see David. Maybe we can find a way to let him know without really telling him." "I'll think about it Rachel, but I better talk to mom first." "Maybe it's better we do this ourselves Colleen." I finally agreed with Rachel. I had watched Beth as she suffered through the early teens years, her body changing, the comparing all the girls do, the self doubt that threatened her self esteem always so close to the surface. With Colleen I had all of that plus the fact that she is actually my son. It doesn't matter to me that she's eager to become Colleen full time, my concern is for her safety. If I told Dan right out that Colleen is my son he might back away, or tell his son David, who could make life miserable for Colin. He was attracted to me, it was written all over his face every time he looked at me. Not willing to take an undo risk, I decided to tell him, but swear him to secrecy. He's the same age I am, so he certainly knows about people like Colin. I hoped he would understand. At that moment the girls showed up, and told me they were walking over to see David. Both of them looked tense. They were hiding something, and I was sure I knew what it was. A preemptive action was called for, so I told them I had to see Dan anyway, and would drive them over. They looked at each other, which confirmed my suspicions. Colleen was about to tell David the truth, bolstered by Rachel's friendship. I said nothing and drove us there. Dan was mowing the yard, David sweeping the driveway when we pulled up. Both of them saw who it was and immediately smiled at us, Dan walking over to the car as we all got out. He hugged me, but saw that I wasn't smiling, and drew me aside. "Colleen, you stay right there and be quiet!" It the best warning I could give her. Her face turned ashen and I know she figured out what I was about to do. I took Dan's arm and walked away from the kids. "Dan, there's something you have to know about Colleen and I." His face clouded over as I drew up the courage to just say it. "Dan, Colleen is not my daughter." "That's not a big problem...is it?" "It might be. Colleen is my son." He quickly looked at her standing there, looking every bit as much a girl as Rachel. "No! It's a joke. Right?" "No Dan. Colleen is really my son. She has been struggling with this for years. I recently came across her diary, read it, and decided to let her express herself a bit more. Friday was her big coming out so to speak, and after we met, then she and David hit it off, well, I had to tell you myself before something ugly happened. I would rather have things die early than put her in danger, I hope that you understand, and will keep this to yourself." Colleen was waiting, saw him look at her, and she knew I had told him. I saw her squeeze Rachel's hand, then smile weakly. "If you can't cope with it please tell me now Dan." His reaction wasn't the one I expected. He laughed! Then he put his arms around me and kissed me! "Carol, I understand better than you think. David's Aunt Betty, on his mother's side, used to be a male. I remember that all through school he would play dress up, then, when we were in high school he conned a friend into taking him to the Senior Prom. He was a real beauty Carol. Later he entered some kind of program and now, well, she is a woman." The fact that Dan knew someone personally that had gone through the same things Colleen was going through, gave me an inspiration. "Would she talk to Colleen? Help her a bit? She and I both have a lot of issues to work out." "I'll call her right now if you like." "Let me talk to Colleen first." I told her what Dan had said, then urged her not to tell David just yet, and she agreed. I nodded my head and Dan went to make the call for us. While we waited David stood next to Colleen, his eyes glued to her. Rachel was enjoying herself, watching as Colleen had to stand there under his gaze, smiling and trying to be calm. I myself talked to Betty and made arrangements for her to stop by the house later that afternoon, then I took the girls home. I sent Rachel home at two, Betty arrived about three. She looked nothing like what I imagined a man turned into a woman would look. She's tall for a woman, but strikingly beautiful and graceful. Her brown hair was cute in a shag, and she wore a simple peasant skirt with a ruffled top and sandals, her makeup muted and subdued. She looked better than some of my friends! I introduced her to Colleen, then sat back and listened. "A boy that wants to be a girl! Who would have thought of such a thing!" Colleen started to fidget in her chair, then Betty said, "I used to be a boy, just like you Colleen." Colleen's eyes widened when she said that. "I understand that you want to be able to dress as a girl all of the time, but you know you can't, don't you? The other kids would tear you apart if they found out, and they would, believe me." Colleen sat there listening, the denial obviously on her lips, but Betty ignored her. "Colleen, it took me a long time to become the woman I should have been all along, but in the end it was worth it, and you have an advantage I never had. Your mother is at least willing to try and help you, which is something I never had. If you're careful, you can go out on weekends, maybe dress during the holidays. Then, when you graduate, you can live and dress as a woman full time, maybe even complete the journey like I did, but between now and then, I don't see how you can keep dressing as a girl all of the time, do you?" "But I can!" "How Colleen? What if you attract a boyfriend? What then?" Colleen and I thought about David, then, Betty went to her just as Colleen burst into tears. She looked at me, and taking Betty's cue, I left them alone. "Colleen, look at me." She looked up, then, "I was exactly like you once. I thought I could do it and get away with it. I thought it was the greatest secret of the century, and I just knew that I was good enough to get by with it, but everyone knew, and when that happened I found myself all alone, except for one really good friend. It's painful not being able to be yourself, but if you manage it right, the time will fly by and you'll be able to dress any way you like." I heard Colleen sobbing and went back in to see Betty holding her in her arms, slowly rocking back and forth, tears in her eyes as well. I sat and waited, then Betty offered to help her, for those times she really wanted to look her best, and Colleen hugged her again. That was the start of a relationship that has lasted to this day. True to her word, Betty showed Colleen how to create boobs out of nothing, using a special bra and some minor padding, and bought her some hip pads. Colleen and I worked together, fighting sometimes, yet I let her continue to dress. My doubts about her future faded away as I watched her turn into a lovely young woman. Colin actually had to concentrate on how to be a boy, especially when he had spent a weekend as Colleen. Rachel, the friend that she was, never once let on that Colleen was anything but what she appeared to be, and twice that I know of, Colleen was invited to pajama parties by other girls! Rachel also helped her when boys became an issue, often saving her before she leapt off that bridge. The time went by quickly, and we adjusted to the fact that Colleen was here to stay. Later, when she turned 16, Betty showed her how to make her manhood disappear. Colleen, Rachel, Dan and I kept her secret for almost a year, even as Dan and I dated. David never did find out until they were out of school. Lessons in mannerisms, speaking, and so on reinforced how demanding it was for a male to become a female and tended to drive Colleen to distraction. Betty was relentless with Colleen, firm but understanding, as only someone who has been there and done that can be. Beth was away for almost a year before she came home, and Colleen insisted that she be the one to greet her. Since I knew that Beth had helped her early on, I agreed. Colleen wore a very simple black dress that was short, had a round neck, with short sleeves. Her hair and makeup were perfect, she wore pantyhose and her black heels with elegant black and gold earrings. Beth took one look at her and squealed in delight, then the two of them hugged. Beth wasn't surprised at all. After her short stay, she gave Colleen everything in her closet and dresser that she could use. Whenever I had a date with Dan, Colleen would stay at home. Sometimes she would be Colleen, sometimes Colin, but always the kind intelligent child I knew her to be. We developed a routine after a while. She and I would go skating on Friday night, then on Saturday it was up in the air. The first really big crisis came when David, who only knew her as a girl, asked her to go to the Junior Prom when they were in high school. Up to this point Colleen was making an appearance about twice a week, sometimes more, and she now looked even more spectacular. In my wildest dreams I never imagined that she would look this way. She made me feel like a lump, and easily better looking than Beth. Betty, Colleen and I talked about it, then Betty asked me how she was accepted at the rink and by the public. When I told her we never had any trouble, she smiled and said that maybe this would be the time to let Colleen look her very best. To this point, by letting Colin dress as a girl, I was only bending to the obvious, and yet, I knew in my heart that I had to let her do this. So many of her friends had seen her at the rink, the mall and so on that to deny her the chance would be mean spirited, yet this is a very huge step in a young girls life. She would get her hair and nails done, have a new gown and look her best, and most feminine. It would be the final step I would take if I agreed. After that, her fate would be sealed if it wasn't already. I looked at those huge blue eyes of hers, waiting for me to say yes, and I did just that. My angst over this transition, in the beginning was terrible, yet Colleen was the one that showed me the way. She never once exhibited any shyness after we went to the mall that first time, and has made every effort to please me, almost every time. Her implacable calm always won me over, and in the end she showed me that she was the same person, just dressed differently, which is what it's all about anyway. That Friday night she and I went shopping for her Prom dress. We found it at a small shop. Royal blue, it has a satin bodice with a sweetheart neckline, strapless of course, a flaring skirt to just above her knees. It was snug on her, so I took her to buy a corselet, panties, shoes, handbag, and jewelry to match. The dance was the following week, so I made a hair appointment for her at my salon to have her hair, nails, and makeup done. Her hair, once stringy and uneven was now full and lush, layered to make it easier for her to take care of. I left Colleen to worry about her skin and so on. Colleen has been to my salon before, so when she walked in they knew her and quickly started on her nails while she waited for her hair appointment. It took two hours, and I did not interfere with her selection of style. I half expected her to have her hair in a Gibson, or some other "up," style, but she had them cut it! When they were done her hair was cut in a modified Dutch boy style, curly at the ends, fluffy on top with bangs that were swept to one side. Her makeup was flawless, her nails done in a soft silvery pink. At home I let her get dressed on her own, helping her only when she asked for it, like when I laced her into the corselet. As I pulled the laces tight I was very surprised by the amount of breast she had, but Colleen never said a word and I never asked. She only smiled as she "fluffed," them higher into the cups of the bra, using gel pads to boost them a bit. I helped her get the dress on after she rolled on the hose and attached them to the garters, then zipped it up. After she stepped into her shoes, she added more lipstick, then some perfume, and finally her earrings. I fastened the necklace and she stood back so I could see. Only a dead man would not notice her! As she stood next to David so Dan could take the pictures, it came to me. Those were real breasts, something a skinny kid would not have, unless... I lost that thought as they drove away, leaving Dan and I alone. I never felt so alive before! This dress is everything I ever dreamed about! The only time I worried was when mom looked at my breasts as they filled the bra. I've managed to hide them so far, but it's getting harder all the time, and my butt is rounder, which makes my jeans fit badly. Some of the guys have teased me about it, but I ignore them and go on. Now it doesn't matter. By cutting my hair short like this it's unlikely that anyone will recognize me, and with my boobs pumped up so high I doubt they'll even consider it. Rachel looks great in a red sheath dress that hugs her pretty tight. David stayed with me all evening, introducing me to kids I have known all my life, which was really a kick when some of the boys that teased me as Colin, hit on me! On the way home David parked the car and pulled me to him, and I tasted his lips on mine. Eager, his hand found first my leg, which I did not move, then my right breast. It was all I could do to remove it, not because he wouldn't, but because it felt so good I didn't want to make him stop. By the time we got to my house I was in heaven, and really didn't want to quit, just to become Colin for one more year. I ran in the house, leaving him standing there. I heard Colleen come in, and gently pushed Dan so I could get up, then I went in to help her get undressed. I saw the tears in her eyes and knew why they were there. I unzipped her dress, then unlaced the corselet, staying as she let it fall away. That's when I saw her breasts for the first time. Small, maybe an A, but they were hers none the less. I said nothing as she went into wash up and went back to bed. In the morning Dan left before Colleen got up, and I was waiting for her when she finally appeared in the kitchen. I asked how the dance went, got the usual answers, some comments on other kids she knew and how they reacted to her and so on, then I asked her why she did not tell me she had some breast development, or, how she managed it. My first thought was Betty, but of course she would not do that, so I looked to Colleen to tell me. "I took some of your pills." "How long have you been taking them?" "A year, but only four a week." I want to see you naked young lady, and mean right now!" In her room I saw the extent of the changes, gasped, and sat on the bed. Colleen now had an almost perfect 34-22-34 figure, with a rounded little bottom, trim waist and twin mounds on her chest. There wasn't one hair anywhere below her chin, and her tiny manhood was very small. It was all I could do to not strangle her, but it was done, with no returns. "Put some clothes on and come to the kitchen!" When she appeared she wore a short skirt with a tight tee and her gym shoes. That's when I gave up. I let her continue to take the pills, and her Senior year was hell on her. Every morning she had to strap them down tightly and wear baggy clothes, but she went on without complaint. She and David dated a few more times and it died a natural death, but Dan and I were talking marriage now, so that worked out family wise. Rachel met a boy she thought was perfect for Colleen, and he ended up taking her to the Senior Prom, at which she showed off her truly abundant gifts by wearing a very skimpy dress. In every respect but one she was a woman now, so when she told me she was done hiding herself, I asked her what she had in mind. After all, she only had two days left before graduation! She told me, and after I thought about it, I agreed to let it happen. She prepared her clothes carefully, then appeared in the kitchen wearing a very nice sleeveless summer sheath dress with a white jacket over that. Her legs were long and shapely, her hands soft with red tipped nails, her makeup and hair perfect. The dress was just tight enough to show that she had a shape without being obscene. Just the tops of her breasts could be seen, accented by the thin white necklace she wore. "Mom?' "Yes dear?" "Thank you." I hugged her to me and we left for her graduation. Of course, the kids sit in alphabetical order, and she stepped into her normal spot, which confused those on either side of her, because they knew they didn't know her. "Colin Grant," was called as Colleen walked onto the stage and accepted her diploma from a very startled Principal. She smiled at me as she walked off the stage, then into the waiting area. The buzz was loud, fingers pointed her way, then I met her and we left the auditorium for a nice dinner with Dan and David. We are announcing our marriage to the kids today. I drove, then at the restaurant we met Dan and David, who was very angry. His father told him the entire story, including about his Aunt Betty. His eyes never strayed from Colleen, not once as he took in her obviously feminine shape, her smile, and then, her breasts. In his experience you can't fake those, and they weren't. It was Colleen who settled it by taking him out on the patio alone. Dan and I did get married, David went in the Marines while Colleen changed her name and started college. She and I no longer worry so much, and I have two beautiful daughters and a son now.