A Well Lived Life Book 9 AnalaChapter 32 A Well Lived Life Part III
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August, 1983, Chicago, Illinois
I walked in the near 90°F heat to Carla’s place. I was grateful that the humidity of the morning had dropped significantly; otherwise the heat would have been unbearable. By the time I walked up the steps to the apartment over the photography studio and knocked on her door, I had broken into a light sweat. Carla answered almost immediately and invited me inside her studio apartment.
The air was moderately cool, and the window air conditioner was running full blast and straining against the heat. The odor of garlic and tomatoes filled the room. Carla invited me to sit on the couch and she offered me some lemonade which I accepted. She poured two glasses, bringing me one while keeping the other for herself, and then sat with me.
“Dinner is about fifteen minutes. Veal with garlic and tomatoes,” she said. “It’s an old family recipe.”
“Rizzi - is that Italian?” I asked.
“Yes, of course! Did you see The Godfather?”
I chuckled, “I did. That was Connie’s husband, right?”
“It was. I read the book. Did you actually see the movie?”
“My dad took me to see it. I thought it was pretty cool.”
“You were like nine years old, right? You’re two years younger than I am?”
“I don’t remember for sure if it was before or after my birthday, but it was right around then in ‘72.”
“You seem to have had a lot of experiences given that you’re only 20.”
I chuckled, “You probably don’t even know the half of it. I don’t think I mentioned that I lived in Sweden for a year or that I’ve been back a few times. My family also moved a lot and we traveled a lot. My dad had a Winnebago Chieftain motorhome, the 27-foot long one, and we travelled all over the western US, western Canada, and Mexico during the summer of ‘72. I went to a different school every year until eighth grade.”
“Holy cow! I’ve lived in the same house since I was little. I think my parents bought it about a year or so after I was born, because the apartment was too small to raise me and my older brother. I was in the Barrington School District for my whole time in school. I lived with my parents until I got the job with Dustin. I had been in Chicago like twice in my entire life before that.”
I’d asked her a bit about that before and now I was absolutely sure that she was a naïve, small-town girl who had very little worldly experience. And I’d bet that she was a virgin, too. She’d claimed in the sauna that she wasn’t a prude, but everything she said and did seemed to indicate that she was very conservative. That meant I had to adjust my behavior to not make her uncomfortable, though she had shown that with a bit of coaching, she could handle some amount of teasing.
She got up to check on the meal and said that it was almost done. She put dishes on the table, set out bread, olive oil and cheese, strained the pasta, then put the veal dish and pasta on the table. She lit a single candle and opened a bottle of red wine.
“Come to the table, Steve. Dinner’s ready. Do you drink wine?”
“Yes, of course,” I said, and she poured a glass for each of us.
We sat down at the table and I picked up some bread, poured a bit of olive oil on the small plate, added the cheese to it and dipped my bread.
“How do you know how to do that?” she asked. “Adams sure isn’t an Italian name!”
“A couple of friends of mine back in Ohio are Italian. I used to eat dinner about once a month at their grandfather’s house and one of them, Joyce, used to cook for me every few weeks. I learned that from her.”
“She cooked for you? While you guys were in High School?”
“We’d get together and she’d cook and we’d eat and drink wine. It was a lot of fun. She was a huge help when my girlfriend died.”
“What?!” Carla gasped. “I’m so sorry to hear that! What happened?”
I gave her a short version of the story and concluded with, “But, that was more than five years ago. It took a lot of time, and I’ve dealt with it, I guess. I still think about Birgit, and I feel like she’s always with me. I don’t think that kind of love ever really goes away.”
“Is there ANYTHING you haven’t done?” she asked.
“I never played baseball for the Reds and I’ve never flown in the Space Shuttle!” I grinned.
“OK. Anything that’s actually possible!” she smirked.
I wanted to say ‘slept with you’ but I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.
“Lots of stuff, I’m sure.”
“Compared to me, though.”
“You’re only 22! You have a lot of time.”
The veal was delicious and the wine was decent, though not as good as the wines that Joyce usually brought back in High School. When we finished eating, Carla offered coffee and filled our wine glasses for the third time, emptying the bottle.
“Did you decide on a movie?” I asked.
“Well, we saw Risky Business and I don’t want to see another stupid teen sex comedy. I’m not into horror movies so I don’t want to see Cujo. I wanted to see The Star Chamber but it’s already gone from the theaters in the city, so I guess it really sucked.”
“That more or less eliminates movies, unless you have a VCR.”
“No, I don’t. They’re too expensive. You have one?”
“I do. We could always rent a movie and watch it at my house, if you wanted,” I said.
“We can just hang out, if that’s OK. Maybe we can get some ice cream?”
I agreed and we walked to the ice cream shop. In two years I still hadn’t managed to find good ice cream in Hyde Park. There were some good places in the Loop, and in the suburbs, but not here. I was sorely tempted to order a sundae and make a cherry joke, but decided against it and got a cone just like Carla did. She was turning out, in some ways, to be more conservative than Kara, though not to the extreme that Sandy van der Meer was.
“Carla, you have some chocolate on your chin,” I chuckled.
“I didn’t get a napkin! It’s only a block back to the store, let’s go back.”
I was tempted to offer to take care of it for her, but I didn’t know for sure how she’d respond. I could walk on eggshells with her forever, or I could just be myself, though dialing back my usual teasing somewhat. If she couldn’t handle even that, then I wouldn’t bother seeing her again. Not because she wouldn’t ‘put out’ but because I hated having to not be myself.
“No need,” I chuckled. “Let me take care of it for you!”
“Down boy!” she said firmly.
“Never mind,” I said, my voice showing a touch of exasperation. “Let’s go get your napkin and I’ll walk you home.”
“I did it again, didn’t I?” she said quietly.
“You did. I can’t continue to walk on eggshells around you. It’s just not me. If you had smiled or laughed when you said that, it would be one thing, but you barked it like an order. I can’t do this. You run hot and cold and I can’t tell which Carla is going to respond. When we talked about this date you were cool with teasing a bit, and you even said that if I was a good boy I could have a goodnight kiss. I took that to mean you were actually open to the possibility. I was wrong. Come on; let’s go get your napkin.”
“So now you’re pissed at me because you expected to get something from me? Figures.”
“Oh for Pete’s sake! That is NOT what I’m upset about. It’s that I can’t be myself. Look, you decide what’s right for you, and I’m totally behind that. But I decide what’s right for me, too. I just don’t think we’re compatible.”
“But I like you!” she said, her voice a touch whiney.
“You’re a nice girl, Carla. You’re gorgeous. You’re smart. But the chemistry just isn’t there. I can’t be myself and that’s a recipe for disaster in any relationship.”
We got back to the ice cream shop and she grabbed a couple of napkins and wiped her chin, and we started walking back towards her apartment.
“All guys are the same!” she said, clearly as frustrated as I was. “They just want one thing!”
“Bullshit! You THINK that’s all they want and so you treat them like that’s all they want. Do you even give them a chance? Let me ask you this, have you had a serious boyfriend? I mean someone you went out with for at least six months?”
“Yes, of course!” she said.
“And you think that’s all he wanted? Sex? Nothing else?”
“All he did was try to push things! When I wouldn’t let him, he broke up with me.”
I had a sneaking suspicion that it was way more complicated than that, especially given how she sent mixed signals. I could see a guy in High School being thoroughly confused. There were girls who behaved that way at Milford High School, but I simply ignored them because I’d had so many other possibilities. Most guys didn’t.
“Carla,” I said gently, “if you acted the way you do with me, don’t you think he might have felt that you were interested, but just playing hard to get, or being coy? That he saw the mixed signals and being a teenager he had no clue about things?”
“So now you’re blaming me? Cause he wanted to do stuff with me?”
“Partly. If you tease, then slam on the brakes, a guy has to try to figure out exactly what it is you’re trying to tell him. Do you really think a sixteen or seventeen year old guy is going to figure that out? Hell, I have trouble and I’m twenty and I’m sure that I have WAY more experience than some kid at Barrington High, or whatever it’s called. I’m frustrated because I have to pretend to be something that I’m not. That’s no fun and I honestly don’t have time for it.”
“Why are you being so mean?”
“Mean? For telling you how I feel and what I see? I suppose that you could see it that way. And that’s fine, I guess. All I’m doing is telling you honestly how I feel. And why I don’t think I should see you again.”
“But if I have sex with you, then you’ll see me again? Is that it? Is that what this is all about?”
“Oh for Pete’s sake!” I said again, now completely exasperated. “What the heck is wrong with you? You’re twenty-two and we can’t have a relationship conversation because you think all I want to do is get you into bed? That’s not only not true, but it’s the last thing on my mind right now. If you asked me, I’d turn you down. Flat. It would be the absolute dumbest thing I could do to take you to bed. My instincts were right the other night. I shouldn’t even have kissed you goodnight. You can’t handle even a simple kiss without making a federal case out of it!”
We’d come to the photography studio and I stopped at the bottom of the stairs. She started up and I stayed standing on the sidewalk. It was time to go home, and I didn’t see any possibility of moving forward in any way with Carla. In the end, I just didn’t have the time or the inclination to play the kinds of games she was playing.
She stopped on the third stair and asked, “You’re not coming up?”
“Why would I? I’m going to head home.”
“Why?” she asked, crossing her arms.
“Because you’re too immature to handle an adult relationship, that’s why. It’s like you’re stuck in Junior High. I know girls six years younger than you are who are way more mature.”
“You are so mean!” she growled.
“If that’s what you think, then you shouldn’t be too upset that I’m going home. Honestly, Carla, I had hoped we could have a nice date, but I was wrong. Thanks for dinner. Good night.”
I turned and started to walk away.
“Steve, stop, please,” she said plaintively.
Her tone caused me to stop. If she’d barked it out, I’d have simply kept on going. I turned to face her
“Can we please talk about this?” she said softly, sounding defeated.
“I’m not sure what that’s going to accomplish.”
“Just talk to me, OK? Please? Come back and talk.”
I sighed and looked at my watch. It wasn’t late and I didn’t have any homework to do, so I didn’t really have to be home. But I also didn’t think this would accomplish anything at all.
“Talk about what? I think we’ve pretty much concluded that there’s a huge gulf between us - you don’t like my style and I don’t like yours.”
“I can explain, if you let me,” she said.
I suddenly had a very good idea of what had happened and why she was like she was. But the whole sauna incident didn’t fit what I was thinking. Or did it? If I was right, then I knew exactly what needed to be done - put her in touch with Bethany. It all fit.
“OK,” I said, walking back.
We went upstairs to the apartment and sat on the couch. She offered me a glass of wine and I accepted it and she poured one for herself. She gulped half the glass and then took a deep breath. I knew what she was going to say.
“When I was seventeen, I went to Prom. Afterwards, we went to an all-night party in the forest preserve. My date tried to force me to have sex with him. The only thing that prevented it was some other kids came along to the place where we’d been making out.”
I was close. I’d thought she’d actually been raped, but it was only close. It was a huge difference in one sense, but not in another.
“And you’ve been afraid to even make out with a guy ever since,” I said.
“Yes,” she said. “I guess that’s why I put on the brakes, as you call it.”
“And a good night kiss is safe because it can’t really lead to anything,” I said. “I am REALLY sorry about the sauna. Now I feel like a total cad.”
She smiled, “That was the first time I’d ever actually seen one, you know, up close and personal. I was shocked that you would do that and assumed it meant that you were planning to have sex with me.”
“It was foolish of me. I should have read the signs better. In hindsight, I see where I made my mistake. Have you talked to anyone about this? A counselor or therapist? A friend?”
“No. Why?” she asked.
“My best friend was raped when she was thirteen. It was similar circumstances to you, though at a party, not Prom. She spent years seeing a counselor to work through all the personal and relationship problems that caused. Now she’s studying to be a psychologist. I wonder if you would talk with her? I think she might be able to help you. I don’t mean professionally, but one girl to another. She’s going to be in town in two weeks. I think you two should talk.”
“To a total stranger? I don’t know if I could do that,” she said.
“You’re talking to me! And I guarantee that Bethany will listen and maybe she can give you some advice. I can’t even begin to put myself in your position. On the other hand, I did offer to kill the asshole who raped Bethany. She told me not to, and fortunately, he ended up in jail, but not before he raped a couple of other girls.”
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September, 1984, Chicago, Illinois “Hi Steve,” Patience (or was it Prudence?) said as she got out of the car. “Hi, Patience!” I said, hoping I was right. “Wrong sister!” she giggled. “Sorry Prudence! You’ll have to have patience with me while I figure out how to tell you apart!” She laughed, “Nice double-entendre there, Mr. Landlord! Could you handle it?” I laughed, “Sorry. I didn’t mean it that way! Do you need help moving in?” “No, I think we have it. It’s just clothes, records,...
July, 1984, Chicago, Illinois On Wednesday morning when I woke, I went for a run, reminding myself that I needed to do it regularly. When I got back, I hopped in the shower and almost immediately the phone started ringing. I walked, dripping water, to the phone in my bedroom and answered. “Hey big brother! I’m leaving now! I’ll see you about 2:00pm!” “Drive safely, Squirt!” I said. We hung up and I went back, finished my shower, then dressed and went downstairs to eat breakfast. After...
March, 1984, Chicago, Illinois “You really want to do that?” I asked. “Yes. And I want you to spank me like we did that day in the apartment.” “I’m not sure about that,” I said. “You did it before, Steve. I’m asking you to do it. It excited me then and I’m excited by the thought of it now. Now, let’s get your toys, borrow Elyse’s toy, and have some fun!” “You’re sure about this?” “God dammit, Steve!” Bethany growled in frustration. “Will you please quit fighting me on this! I am NOT...
November, 1984, Chicago, Illinois I spent Saturday afternoon working on a paper for my literature class, as well as writing a project summary report for Scott’s class. Around 3:30pm Bert and Callie came to my office door to ask for help with their assignment in the C-programming class. I had them come in and sit down, and was amused that Callie took the chair furthest from me despite being the first to walk into the room. It reminded me of what Elyse had said about her. “So what’s the...
May, 1984, Chicago, Illinois In the morning, after Jackie and I had slept cuddled together, and I ran, and then showered, we had breakfast together. After breakfast, I helped her load her car with the stuff that she was taking home, and box up the stuff that she’d leave behind. We moved the boxes to my walk-through closet so that the room was ready for Sofia when she arrived in August. “I’m going to miss you,” I said, as we walked out to her car. “I’ll miss you too, but I’ll be around. I’m...
November 1984, Chicago, Illinois When Sofia, Wen, and Leila returned home, I started making dinner. Jorge and George arrived just as I was getting everything on the table. After dinner, we went to the video store and rented The Star Chamber and Twilight’s Last Gleaming for a movie night. I popped popcorn and when I sat down, I sat between Bethany and Sofia, which to me seemed like the safest place in the room. George sat in Jorge’s lap and the rest of the girls spread out around the room....
March, 1984, Chicago, Illinois On Tuesday morning, after we ate breakfast, I baked a cake for Stephanie’s birthday. We’d gone shopping on Monday to get the fixings for fried chicken and homemade biscuits, which was the meal that she’d requested. When the cake was in the oven, I put the chicken in a large bowl with slightly salted water to soak, and then Stephanie and I went up to my room. “So, Squirt, what would you like for your birthday?” I grinned. “The same thing I got on my fourteenth...
February, 1984, Chicago, Illinois Joyce’s words rang in my ears, and I felt dizzy and nauseated. “I had a Pap smear that came back abnormal. I think I might have cancer.” I was glad I was sitting down because my knees were weak. My hands were shaking as well. “Joyce, I apologize for everything. I mean that. Why didn’t you tell me?” “I was going to, and then I found out about you and Connie and I just got so angry I couldn’t think straight.” “You said ‘might’. What does that mean?” I...
January, 1984, Chicago, Illinois Thankfully, Wednesday wasn’t a tough day, and I was home by 2:30pm. I had quite a bit of reading to do, so I made a pot of tea and went to the ‘Indian’ room with my textbooks. About an hour later, Elyse joined me, and Julia came in shortly after her. My mind began to wander and I realized just how much I missed having Stephie around. There wasn’t much I could do about it now, except to adapt to the new reality. As much as I liked and wanted a constant...
November, 1984, Chicago, Illinois Friday was a lazy day around the house. Sofia booked her flight home, and wasn’t very happy with what she had to do. “We have finals on the 21st, so I have to stay until then. The only reasonable time to leave is Friday night at 5:00pm. That gets me to Heathrow the next morning, and then I take a flight to Landvetter. Mom wants me home Saturday night for a dinner at her parents’ house. I’m going to be a complete zombie!” “Is your Friday exam early or...
August, 1984, Chicago, Illinois “«Hej»,” I replied, laughing. “Elyse, why did you hide Malin from me?” “I didn’t. She had a boyfriend for the last two years and spent her free time with him. They broke up at the end of last quarter.” “Still, you could have brought her around at least once. You know I like speaking Swedish.” “«Min kille var en som var mycket svartsjuk»,” Malin said. (“My boyfriend was the jealous-type.”) “«Synd. Vad hände?»” (“Sad. What happened?”) She laughed, “«Tro det...
July, 1984, Chicago, Illinois On Thursday morning, Jackie and I ate breakfast together, and then she left to head home. I started a load of laundry and then walked to the shop to pick up my rented tux. As I turned the corner onto Woodlawn, I saw a black sedan parked in front of the house and two men in suits standing on my front porch. I sighed. It had to be the FBI. I continued up the street and up the steps to my porch. “Mr. Adams, do you have a few minutes to talk?” Agent Feldman asked,...
October, 1984, Chicago, Illinois Kara let out a long sigh, “I suppose I have to.” “That’s up to you, but Bethany thinks you should tell me.” “She’s probably right. Only Doctor Mercer knew about it before today. It’s something you can never, ever repeat and something we won’t talk about ever again.” “I certainly promise never to repeat it. As for not ever talking about it again, I suppose that’s OK, but it’s hard to agree to that in advance.” “It doesn’t ever need to be talked about...
April, 1984, Chicago, Illinois On Monday afternoon I received a call from Ivan Voronin’s secretary letting me know the details for the trip. Minister Voronin and his daughter would arrive on Sunday afternoon, and a limo would bring them to my house. The limo would pick up Minister Voronin at midnight, to take him to his hotel, and Tatyana would stay at my house. A limo would pick her up on Tuesday morning to take her to meet her father. I asked about Colonel Anisimova and was told that she...
December, 1984, Chicago, Illinois I was stirred awake by knuckles rapping hard against my door. I blinked several times and squinted to see the clock across the room. I’d been asleep nearly three hours. I dropped my head back to the pillow and sighed. “I was sleeping!” I rasped. “I don’t give a fuck what you were doing, Steve Adams! Open this door right the fuck now!” a stern voice said. That was Bethany’s voice! But she was in Madison! “Bethany?” I croaked. “Yes, you idiot! Open the...
April, 1984, Chicago, Illinois “Vanya, I am no diplomat, so I am not skilled in saying nothing while seeming to say something.” Ivan laughed and nodded, waiting for me to continue. “It would certainly change things,” I said. “It was our career choices that created the problem - I can’t become a Soviet Citizen and she couldn’t give up her plans. She and I agreed that our relationship would probably end when she went home in 1986. If that’s not going to happen, well, it certainly means that...
May, 1984, Chicago, Illinois I didn’t return Becky’s call; I called Jackie instead. I told her about what had happened with the phone message. “Let me get this straight. You didn’t make love with Penny, but you realized she’s the antidote to Becky?” “Yes. I thought about Penny so much, and was so focused on her, that Becky didn’t even cross my mind, and when I heard Becky’s phone message, I was annoyed, not because I’d missed lunch with her, but because I simply didn’t want anything to do...
August, 1984, Chicago, Illinois Stephanie made lunch for us and after we ate, I decided to use the whirlpool. I wasn’t turning on the sauna, so Stephanie kept her clothes on. She was wearing shorts, so she once again dangled her feet in the water while I let the warm water soothe my aching muscles. It wasn’t as bad as it had been, and I figured I would be feeling up to snuff in another day or so. “How long are you staying?” I asked my sister. “I figured I’d go home on Friday. I told...
June 1984, Milford, Ohio On Monday morning, Bethany, Josie, Jennifer, Stephanie, Zach and I all went to breakfast. We talked about the wedding and Stephanie filled me in on my mom’s reaction. “At church, she and Dad sat way in the back. You know his opinion of church, so no surprise there. At the reception, I think you saw her leave the room when Jennifer and Josie danced, and she wouldn’t come back. It was so stupid because later on, all the bridesmaids danced together, along with a bunch...
June/July, 1984, Stockholm, Sweden I woke when the conductor announced that we were arriving in Stockholm. I was happy the announcement came early enough for me to be fully awake and clear my mind before the train arrived on the platform. My dream had replayed the last seven years, but in a disjointed fashion. The strongest memories had come first - seeing Birgit for the first time, making love to her, her death, seeing Karin for the first time, my night of passion with Karin, and Karin’s...
October, 1984, Chicago, Illinois Bethany was right - I did have some very surprising things happen in my life. And they never seemed to stop. On the other hand, Fate seemed to have taken a holiday and I was just fine with that. If she never came back, I’d be a very happy man. And given how things were going, I was pretty happy overall. I walked out the back door and down the brick path to the back door of the coach house. I knocked and Patience opened the door to let me in. As was usually...
August, 1984, Chicago, Illinois On Monday morning after my usual routine of running, a shower, and breakfast, Kara, Sofia, and I got into my car to head to IIT. I let Sofia drive so that she could get the practice and she was grateful. We arrived a bit earlier than Kara and I needed to so that Sofia had time to make it to her 9:00am class at Loyola. Once she was safely on the El, Kara and I went to the student center to get some coffee. “Will Sofia be OK taking the El?” Kara asked. “She’s...
November 1984, Chicago, Illinois I went back to the ‘Indian’ room and had just picked up the book when Alejandra came to the door. “Hi,” she said flashing me a huge smile. “Busy?” “I was just about to sit down and read,” I said. “I talked to Sofia,” she said. “Come sit with me,” I said, putting down my book. She sat in the basket chair closest to me and pulled her feet up into the chair with her. “You seem a bit, I’m not sure of the English word, but the Spanish word is...
November 1984, Chicago, Illinois The week before Thanksgiving flew by, both at work and at school. By Friday, Sensei Jim was satisfied that I was ready to rejoin the class, which I would do on Saturday morning. I arranged with Wen, George, and Jorge that I’d pick them up just before lunch on Saturday. Sofia had told me that both of her friends would be at the house on Friday evening, but would spend the first night in the guest rooms because Elyse and Kara weren’t leaving until Saturday...
November, 1984, Chicago, Illinois On Monday morning, just before Kara and I left for IIT, I called the union electrician to make arrangements to get him the new programs. He said he could stop by the house and pick them up that evening, and I could show him anything he needed to know. We were down to five weeks left in the semester, six if you counted Thanksgiving week when we didn’t have any classes. The only major things I had left to do were a paper on Islam for Mark’s class and to...