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It was a snowy January day in Deerfield when Jan's phone rang. It was Anita Collins calling. They had spent a delightful Christmas with the Collins — their first Christmas together. Now Pete was busy arranging for the production tooling for the new Peters Drive and there wasn't much for Jan to do. "Hi, Doll! What can I do for you? Are you still avoiding pregnancy? And how are you coming on your campaign for a bedroom of your own?"

She heard a soft chuckle on the phone. Anita replied, "Stewart, you're a witch! I've never been happier! On the other hand I've never been so exhausted. I just constantly ache. I have a question. How in hell did you ever handle men professionally? Bill absolutely wears me out. We're not in your class yet, but Bill can keep me in orgasm for nearly five minutes! I've never had such an experience. All of my sensation is in my cunt. I just want it to go on and on! Meantime, my arms are thrashing, my head is flopping, my pelvis is in convulsion, I'm making the wildest sounds, and I'm sweating like a pig. How did you do it? I'm serious!"

"It's simple. Anita, I never had an orgasm until I met Pete. That's how he got me to marry him. As a prostitute, I was a piece of meat. I allowed men to use me but didn't feel a thing. Anyway, I meant to compliment you at Christmas. You looked absolutely exquisite," Jan replied. "But I don't think that's what you called about."

"No, it isn't. Jan, I'm the chairman of the Junior League's big winter meeting scheduled for next month. It's become one of those 'can you top this' sorts of things. Each chairman tries to outdo her predecessors. Anyway, I have to send out the announcements the end of this week, and I still don't have the first clue about a program! Can you possibly help?"

"Nita, how would Jill Peters be? Any interest?"

"Jill Peters, the writer? Are you serious? How could I possibly get her?"

"Honey, she's my very best friend. I was her matron of honor last month. Interested?" Then Jan had an idea. "I know I can get Jill. How about a full panel? I could also get Jessica Carlson, chairman of the board of San Diego Computing. And a big one? How about Karen Fletcher?"

"The novelist? You've got to be kidding! She's the greatest mystery in the publishing world. She's utterly invisible. My God, if Karen Fletcher were willing to appear, she would be featured on The Today Show tomorrow morning!"

"I think I can get her. Anyone else?"

"Since you asked, yes. You! You are Yale, Columbia, Phi Beta Kappa, and the co-owner of a computer company right here." There was silence on the line for a few moments and then Anita added, "If you get me any one of them, plus yourself, I'll scrub your kitchen floor with my tongue! Can you?"

"Let me make a couple of phone calls. I'll get back to you. When is the luncheon, by the way?"

Anita told her the date and Jan called Jill at her parents' home. She said that they were having a marvelous time in Texas. "Jan, you won't believe it! Remember when the boys took us side by side in Hawaii? Now Mom and I hold hands while Dad and Bob do us. Dad's weapon may even be bigger than Bob's! My parents are too much! We just love them dearly! Thank you, dear Jan. That's all your fault, too."

"Honey, blame it on Bob. He did it, I didn't. But back to the question. Can you come up? Would you be willing?"

"Just a moment. Let me ask Mom." There was silence on the phone for a few minutes. Then Jill was back and very excited. "It's a go! Mom has decided it's time for Karen Fletcher to put in an appearance. We'll be there! We decided to go on and travel through Europe. My parents have never been and Bob and I can't wait to show them around. We'll arrange for a Chicago departure. Okay?"

Jan instantly agreed and then called Jess Carlson. Jess answered the phone immediately. "Hi, Doll. How would you like to get away from that dull San Diego sameness and come out to where there's real weather? Like Chicago, next month?"

Jessica chuckled and said the offer was almost as good as having some impacted wisdom teeth removed. "On the other hand, Jack says I'm a masochist, so what the hell! What's the occasion?"

Jan explained the big Junior League meeting and who had already agreed to be there. When Jess heard Karen Fletcher, she let out a low whistle and agreed instantly. "I have copies of every book she's ever written. She's my favorite writer!" She chuckled and added, "But don't you dare tell Jack! Every time a new book of hers is published I go into my office and close the door. I'm supposed to be thinking important strategic-type thoughts. Actually, I can't put her book down until I finish it. The answer is yes. In fact, it's hell, yes!

"Jan, I have an idea for another guest. There is a friend of mine — a fellow stripper, if you will. Actually, she had the finest exotic act in the country for a short time and then quit to get married. Her name is Jennifer Clifford Chapman. She's the daughter of the fourth richest man in the country and married to the son of the ninth or tenth richest man. They live in Chicago. Jen is a Phi Beta Kappa in history from Princeton and has her doctorate in political science from UCLA. She's also one of the nicest, most beautiful girls it has ever been my good fortune to meet. Interested?"

Jan replied that of course she was interested. Jess put her on hold while she made a call. A few minutes later she came back on the line to say that Jen would be delighted to appear. She gave Jan the phone number and then paused. "Jan, to show you the kind of person she is, she asked if you would please call her. You see, as much as she'd love to appear, she doesn't think she belongs on such a program and could not believe you would want her. Would you mind talking to her? If there's an opposite to spoiled, Jen Chapman is it." They talked awhile longer and made tentative arrangements.

Jan hung up and then called the Chicago number she had been given. She knew from Jess it was an apartment on the Lakefront on the North Side. When the phone was answered by a woman with a very musical voice, Jan asked to speak with Jennifer Chapman.

"This is Jen."

"Jen, this is Janice Stewart. I guess you were talking to Jessica Carlson a few minutes ago. I'm calling as a result of that conversation."

Jen quickly said she would be delighted to appear but couldn't see why anyone would possibly want to have her on a program. "Jan, I'm really not a nice person. Or I guess I wasn't. When I met my mother — she was my stepmother then — the first thing I did was try to break up her marriage. How do you like that? I then find out that she's perhaps the nicest person on earth."

Jan could hear the girl's voice crack as she continued, "She nearly destroyed herself and my father because she refused to come between father and daughter. It was perfectly all right for her daughter to be an obnoxious bitch, of course. Anyway, the situation was salvaged by my mother's law partners. Then I find that she loves me!" Now the tears were audible. "She really does. Would you believe what she did? She actually pulled out my pubic hair for me? I needed it done for my act. Can you imagine a more vile thing to have to do? She did it. Then she gave me a bath and a massage and tucked me into bed. And it just goes on and on.

"If it sounds like I worship the ground my mother walks on, it's only because I do. Incidentally, she's the one you should really have on your panel. She's Allison McGrath Clifford. You may remember the name Ali McGrath? She was a movie star in the seventies. She is also Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Kansas, tops in both business school and then law school getting an MBA and then a law degree from UCLA. She's the senior partner of the most successful law firm in Southern California. It's all women, by the way. Would you be interested? If she's free, I know she would come."

Jan said that would be spectacular. Jen said she would call her mother and call right back. A few minutes later she called. "Mom sends her regrets. She and Dad are playing in a mixed doubles golf tournament that week on Maui. She's very sorry." There was a quiet chuckle on the phone and Jen continued, "Jan, if I said it was important to me she would come anyway. I assumed that it doesn't make that much difference to you. Am I right? If not, I'll call her back and she will be here."

Jan just shook her head in amazement, but said, "Of course not! My God! She would give up Maui for a dumb Junior League speech?"

"Honest, she would. She just lives to make others happy. Starting with my father, of course. The poor dear is in a perpetual sexual daze. Mom feels she's failed unless she keeps Dad's balls drained dry." There was a giggle on the phone and she added, "Whoops, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said that, I'm afraid. What will you think of me?"

"Jen, before you go on, there are two things you should know that might cause you to change your mind. First, I used to be a prostitute. I intend to tell the bright young ladies at the Junior League, so you will know it then, anyway. You probably won't want to be in the same town with me."

"Jan, I heard all about you from Jess. She tells me you're the finest person she's ever met and she loves you dearly. That is plenty good enough for me. Now what's the second thing?"

"Actually, Jen, it's much more serious. You see, I graduated from Yale. All I remember were the jerks from Princeton wearing their orange-and-black checked blazers and 'Hate Yale' buttons."

There was silence on the phone for a few moments. Then she could hear Jen trying to maintain an even tone of voice without giggling. "Yale? Oh! Which one of the three or four lesbian organizations did you belong to? I guess now I see why the League asked you to speak. A lezzie would fit right in. By the way, how is Gay Awareness Week going these days?" Jennifer could no longer control herself and started laughing out loud. Finally, she said, "'Hate Yale' buttons, indeed!"

"Okay, Chapman, I know when I'm licked. I'm looking forward to meeting you. I really am!" Jan hung up and then called Anita to tell her the news. The girl was bubbling over with excitement and said she would get out the announcements as soon as possible. Then she asked Jan when she wanted her kitchen floor scrubbed.

It was February and the day before the Junior League luncheon. As Anita predicted, it was already a runaway success. The facility had been changed to increase capacity three times. Now it was in the Grand Ballroom of the Marriott Lincolnshire Resort. In spite of being held in the largest room in the area, reservations were being turned away. Anita told Jan that, thanks to her, she was going to retire the 'Can You Top This' trophy.

Jan was at the door to the penthouse apartment in the most luxurious apartment house in Chicago. She rang the bell, not knowing what to expect. It was opened by a beautiful blonde girl wearing skin-tight Levi's and a chambray shirt, her own favorite apparel.

The barefoot girl put out her hand and said, "You have to be Jan! I'm Jennifer Chapman and I'm truly delighted to meet you. Please come in."

Jan took the girl's hand and was impressed with the firmness of her grip. They walked into a magnificently decorated apartment. One wall was floor-to-ceiling glass looking out over Lake Michigan. It was snowing and the snow was blowing by the window. The apartment was delightful. There was even a cheery fire in the fireplace.

Jen stopped and looked at a spot on the carpet. "Jan, maybe you can help. Do you know how to get cum out of a carpet? You know that line beloved of so many of our sisters, 'women as depositories of men's sexual fluids?' Well, I guess I'm a lousy depository. I can't keep all of the damned stuff inside. Even with Steve stuffing my cunt like a gigantic plug, it still forces its way out and on the rug. And that's after he does me, too."

Jan was laughing and gave the girl a hug. "I don't have the first clue. Why don't you use a hard floor covering? Marble, perhaps? It doesn't absorb liquids."

Jen looked sorrowful and replied, "Because it's too hard and too cold. And I don't have nearly enough padding as it is."

Jan looked at her thoughtfully but with her eyes dancing. "Why don't you put on some weight, then? You know, I think there's something to be said for broad hips and a well-padded ass. It makes a much better shock absorber."

"Janice Stewart, I love you! You're too much."

They sat and got acquainted. A few minutes later Jessica Carlson arrived from O'Hare. She looked exquisite. The two friends hugged and then Jennifer held her friend at arm's length. "Jessica Carlson, you've never looked so good in your life!"

"Blame it on your new friend here. She gave me a tip and Jack and I haven't been the same since."

"What tip is that?"

"Now, when we're ready to go to sleep I put my head on his shoulder, snuggle as close to him as I can and cup his hand over my boob. If I wake up first, I squeeze his hand. If he awakens first, he squeezes my boob. In either event then he takes me. It's so slow and gentle ... What a way to wake up in the morning!"

"You're kidding! That's what my Mom told me to do! I thought it was a family secret. Steve and I have been doing it from the beginning. It's like heaven. Welcome to the club!" The girls started to talk and Jen went off to get drinks. When she returned, Jan complimented her on the apartment and asked how many servants she had.

Jen grinned and held out her hands which were beautiful. She was trying to imply they were work-worn. "Can you look at these rough, red hands and ask that question? For heaven's sake, if I try to caress poor Steve, he thinks I'm using sandpaper! Besides, we tried it but they were always embarrassed finding Steve and me naked on the floor making love." She looked quizzically at her friends and asked, "Why does it bother them, I wonder?"

The two girls laughed just as the doorbell rang. Jen went and welcomed Jill and her mother. They were seated in the living room and Jen went off, coming back moments later with a platter of canapés. They were miniature works of art that Jan immediately knew the girl had made herself. Drinks were served and Jan looked around the room at her friends. She decided that they were all very much alike. She commented that poor Jessica at only five feet seven was the shortest girl present. Jill at five feet ten was the tallest.

Jennifer's eyes kept darting between Jill and Martha. Finally she said, "Are you two sisters?"

Jill laughed and squeezed her mother's hand. "No. Karen Fletcher is my mother, Martha Peters!"

Jennifer's eyes widened. "You have to be kidding! People tease me about my mom who is actually my stepmother. But you ... Martha, you're Jill's natural mother?"

"What's the big deal?" Jan interjected, "Aside from giving birth at the age of five? I mean ... Really!"

They all laughed and exclaimed over Martha's appearance. The talk shifted to the reason for the get-together — the luncheon the next day. Jan quickly confirmed what she already suspected. All of the girls were as contrary to the conventional women's lib mentality as it was possible to be. Jan made notes and prepared her introductions.

As they were getting ready to leave, the door opened and a tall, very good looking young man came in. Jen ran to him and he took her in his arms and kissed her. Jan recognized the signs as the girl's arms went around her husband's neck to keep from falling as her knees weakened. Jan heard the man whisper, "Hi, Stick. Did you miss me?"

"Of course, Sailor. Come and meet my friends."

Steve Chapman was introduced to each of them. He let out a low whistle when he learned that Martha and Jill were mother and daughter. When he was introduced to Jan he winked and gave her a kiss. "I feel I know you. You're all my wife has been able to talk about for the last couple of weeks."

"I have a question, Steve. I thought I heard you call your wife, Stick. Was I hearing things? If you think she looks like a stick, there's no hope for us mere mortals!"

The Chapmans were standing side by side with their arms around each other's waist. He leaned down and kissed his wife as she tilted her head up to his. Jen leaned back against his shoulder and said with a grin, "You heard him right."

She then explained that she and Steve had spent the better part of fifteen years avoiding each other like the plague. Their fathers were friends from graduate school but their first date was only after Steve saw Jen perform as an exotic dancer. "Anyway," she said, "Steve used to claim that in the picture he saw of me I had all the female curves of a straight stick. He was right, too! On the other hand, his picture showed a pompous kid wearing a sailor's blazer in front of some yachts here in Lake Michigan. So anyway, I'm Stick and he's Sailor."

"Some stick!" Jan said with a grin.

Steve cupped his hand under one of his wife's full breasts and grinned. "Well, maybe there's a little something here." He bent over and kissed her softly and then with increasing passion.

Jen frowned up at him but her eyes were dancing. "Would you kindly knock off that shit? If you don't you'll have to take me right here in front of my guests! Come to think of it, I certainly wouldn't mind, and I don't think they would, either."

The next afternoon Janice was sitting next to Anita Collins at the speakers' table. They had been discussing the fact that the turnout was the biggest crowd of women either had ever seen. Anita looked at Jan and asked, "Do you think you can handle it? I don't know what's going to happen. I do know that at least half the people have never been to a Junior League function in living memory!"

Her face took on a puzzled look although her eyes were sparkling. She added, "By the way, I hope I don't have to use cleanser when I scrub your kitchen with my tongue? I tried it and it really doesn't work very well at all." Her face turned serious and she said, "Janice Stewart, I just want you to know that I really owe you! Again!"

The banquet staff was withdrawing after pouring additional coffee. Chairs were being turned for a better view of the podium when Anita rose and went to the microphone. "Good afternoon, ladies! Welcome to the seventeenth annual winter luncheon of the Junior League of Northbrook. I'm sure it's obvious to you all that this is the biggest turnout in our history. Thank you all for coming.

"It is now my great pleasure to introduce my best friend — in spite of everything — Janice Carson Stewart. Janice is now a Provisional in the League and is acting as Program Chairman this afternoon. I should explain my comment, 'in spite of everything.' Very briefly, Janice received her BA from Yale University in economics. She was also elected to membership in Phi Beta Kappa in her junior year. She obtained her MBA from Columbia University with a combined major in finance and marketing, graduating number one in her class. She's now vice president, finance & marketing, of Illinois Technologies and recently closed the biggest order in the company's history. Clearly, she's our kind of gal!

"So why 'in spite of everything?' No one — and I mean no one — can make a woman feel more inadequate faster than Jan Stewart. Less than a week after returning from her honeymoon and just a couple of days after meeting her, my husband and I were guests for dinner and bridge on Friday night at the Stewart's. As my husband, Bill, and I were driving over, I was feeling very badly. I wanted to help by bringing some food over but had been unable to reach Jan. She got home at five-thirty and Bill and I arrived an hour later. I had been working on Bill to get him to realize that regardless of how little there might be to eat, not to worry. We could always stop at Chez McDonald on the way home.

"We ring the bell and are greeted by our hostess, a vision of loveliness who had obviously spent at least four hours on her grooming to look the way she did. A little later I found out it was not quite ten minutes! (Are you starting to get a picture?) We sit down and canapés are served with drinks. All I'll say about them is if she had a catering service the canapés would go for at least five dollars — apiece! At seven thirty we sit down to a typical Junior League potluck supper: lobster cocktail, roast filet of beef, sauce Périgord; peach Melba — you know, the usual stuff we serve when we get home less than an hour ahead of our guests? Sure we do! But Jan does and did.

"Does it end there? I should be so lucky! You remember I said, 'dinner and bridge?' Well, my husband, Bill, is a Life Master; he still writes the bridge column for the Tribune. I'm close to getting my Master rating. I won't bore you any longer. I will only say if Jan and Pete had been playing together, Bill and I would have been utterly destroyed! As it was, Jan was my partner and we edged the guys. I had the good sense to follow her bidding leads, always arranged to be the dummy, and watched her imitate a Grand Master! Now you get some idea.

"At any rate, it was through Janice that we have our guests today. It's a great pleasure for me to introduce my very best friend in the whole world and my inspiration, Janice Carson Stewart!"

Janice rose, winked at Anita and stood behind the rostrum waiting for the applause to die down. She noticed that a number — a small minority, to be sure — of the women appeared to be glaring at her. What the hell, she thought, those gals are never going to be my best friends, anyway. Jan allowed the applause to die down and then began her talk.

"Good afternoon, ladies! While Anita Collins was running off at the mouth, or addressing the group or whatever, I was thinking about the speakers today. We have an interesting collection. First, we have ten degrees among the five of us. There are three Phi Beta Kappa keys and one from Sigma Xi, the scientific honorary fraternity. I guess we have done fairly well in academia.

"As far as professions, we have a Board Chairman of a computer company, two world-class authors, and me. Then there's Jennifer Chapman. She's a little hard to pin down. You see, I found out she's an associate professor of history and political science at Northwestern. On the other hand it seems her principal occupation is trying to spend the money that keeps pouring on her head. Her father ranks number four on the Forbes' list and her father-in-law is number nine or ten or something.

"There are a few other things about us, though. We also have two strippers — although one insists she was an exotic dancer. The difference, apparently, is she started her act completely nude and stayed that way. Then we have two world-class writers. Finally, we have a former prostitute. Me!" As she said it, Jan looked up from her notes and just looked around the room for a few moments. The room, as big as it was, was totally silent.

"That is what I want to talk about. A biography Anita Collins wrote about me says I pursued a professional career while in graduate school. She points out that whores and prostitutes are referred to as 'pros', so she felt it was true.

"Ladies, I'm sure I entertained at least a few of your husbands between my thighs when they visited New York on business. Why, do you suppose, that is? You might say it's because he was horny and you weren't there. You could say men are always like that. You might say he was enticed. Any of those statements could be true. Unfortunately, none of them is. The reason your man came to me is you! I gave him something he wanted that he could not get at home. I hasten to add that what I gave him was as phony as a three-dollar bill! You know what? Not only was I faking my emotions, the customer knew it, too! Why would he bother, then? Because he thought I at least cared enough to go through the motions of faking it! You just give him a hard time."

Jan's expression changed to one of great warmth. "I am no longer a prostitute. I met a man, Peter Stewart, through a friend you will meet today, Jill Peters. Jill is now Jill Gordon. She and her husband, Bob, literally saved my life. To this day I don't know why they bothered because I was utterly worthless. As I said to Bob Gordon one evening, I became a prostitute as an easy way of making money to pay for my graduate education. I earned the money. I also destroyed myself. I told him I was now a degreed slut! I had fewer morals than an alley cat. There was nothing I did not allow to be done to me or force myself to do, no matter how degrading, as long as the money was right. It generally was.

"Then I met Pete. He did to me what women have been doing to men for millennia. You see, he made love to me. I achieved the first orgasm of my life. I loved him desperately and wanted to be his mistress, but he refused to sleep with me unless I married him first. Since I had to be with him, I had no choice so we were married a few months ago. I dedicated myself to making my husband as happy as I possibly could. There is nothing I won't do for Peter Stewart! Absolutely nothing! The only question in my mind is will it give my husband pleasure? If the answer is yes, I do it, regardless of what it may be.

"The result? I cannot be happier. I use the term advisedly. The reason is Pete has me in continuous orgasm for at least fifteen minutes at a time. Then my circuit breakers trip out — I can't take it any more and I faint. Faint? Out cold is more like it! One time it was so bad that Pete lifted me out of bed, gave me a bath, ate out my cunt, fixed my hair, changed the damned bed, if you please, and puts me back into it — all while I'm unconscious. Look at the speakers' table: The common denominator of all of the women you see — the thing we all have in common — is the same dedication to our husbands' happiness. And you know something else? We could not possibly be any happier. In front of you today you have the happiest collection of women in the country!

"It is now my great pleasure to introduce our first featured speaker today, Jill Peters Gordon. As many of you know, Jill Peters is an internationally acclaimed writer and author. She has her BA in English from the University of Texas at Austin. She graduated summa cum laude and also received a Phi Beta Kappa key in her junior year. She also graduated first in her class from Columbia University's Graduate School of Journalism. Please welcome my best friend in the world, the maid of honor in my wedding, Jill Peters."

There was silence for a few moments. Then the applause began. Jill, expecting the reaction to Jan's speech, remained seated. The applause grew in volume. Moments later, women began to stand; it soon seemed like all the women in the great hall were on their feet. Anita returned to the rostrum and said, "Jan, please rise! What you're hearing is a tribute to you."

Janice rose at her seat and stood for a few moments. She did not smile or wave. The applause reached a crescendo and then tapered down. Jan smiled and resumed her seat.

Jill went to the microphone. "Good afternoon, ladies! Thank you so much for inviting me to be here today. I want to personally thank you for that tribute to my best friend, Janice Stewart. It seems I've spent a good part of the last six months or so telling Jan she's the loveliest person I know. I use the term in its most literal sense: deserving of love; inspiring love and affection. That defines the Janice Carson Stewart I know.

"I'm not sure why Jan invited me, though. You see I stole one of her customers. I met my husband, Bob, while masquerading as a call girl. Bob had just closed the sale of his company, GorTech, and was registered at a New York hotel. Jill Peters, girl reporter, was out to get a story on the business genius of the computer world, Bob Gordon. I followed him to the hotel and watched as he checked in. When the bellman returned to the lobby I went up to him and he looked at me with interest. It seems Bob had given the guy fifty dollars and asked if he knew any tall blondes. Being five feet ten, I qualified.

"Later I found out that Janice Carson was on the bellman's list. It cost me fifty dollars to take her place. At any rate, I learned the meaning of love that weekend. I haven't been the same since. You see, I had no experience with men, and it turned out Bob had nearly none with women. I'm here to tell you, though, he does not need to read any books! Janice says she loses consciousness? I do, too. She told you about being unconscious? Once we were together when our husbands took us. We were both out like lights. The guys changed the bed, fixed our hair, ate us out and still had their arms around us when we revived. My career? I guess I don't give a damn. My career now is trying to become pregnant before Stewart! I'm bound and determined to beat her at something.

"My advice? Do what Janice said. She is totally right! Thank you."

Janice returned to the rostrum and introduced Jessica Carlson. "Our next speaker is Jessica Carlson. Jess has three degrees from California Institute of Technology. I'm afraid the poor thing is in a rut. They are all in computer science, culminating in her Ph.D. She is considered the most brilliant computer scientist and computer designer in the industry. In addition, she has to be the most beautiful! I'll add just one thing. If you want to find out how to really live in Southern California, just watch Jess Carlson. Her house is a senior-grade palace overlooking the Pacific from the heights. She has her private twenty-five-meter swimming pool and a pair of tennis courts. This woman started from nothing just three years ago and built one of the most successful computer companies in the country. Scientist, engineer, technical genius, chief executive officer, and very rich: ladies, please welcome Jessica Carlson who flew out from San Diego yesterday just to join us here today!"