By My Choice free porn video

By my choice I read the diary. I am struck by the fact that almost everything that has happened to me was by my own choice. I watch the sea break against the shore, hear the cry of birds, and my mind goes back... I was always small. Slim, barely five foot five inches tall, I was the despair of my father. He had wanted someone his size, six foot three, a linebacker in college. Instead he got a boy that read, sang and danced. I had grown my hair long in rebellion against my father, and it hung to just below my shoulders. It look fine swirling with me in dance class as I lifted the girls in ballet. I graduated high school in the upper fifth of the class, and hoped to go to college, but my father disagreed. If I went for a business degree, he would pay for it. The theatrical degree I wanted would be paid for by me. I considered the options. Business bored me, but I would have to work two jobs just to pay for tuition. My mother convinced him to let me see some of the world, and he sprung for a flight to Australia, and a cruise among the Indonesian islands. The explosion lifted the liner, breaking her back in the same moment. The ship slammed back down, and began sinking in moments. All I remembered was the blast. One moment I was standing at the rail, watching the sun set, then the fore part of the ship lifted even as the stern did, and I was scrabbling for a handhold as the stern lifted almost vertical. I let go, and fell screaming into the water. Something smacked me in the face and I lost consciousness. I don't know how long I was in darkness. All I knew was that I was wet, cold, and clinging to something. It was a flat hatch like they use to seal the cargo bays. What had caused it, I wondered. There were no wars going on in the area, but historically a lot of ships are still sunk by mines from world war I even after almost a century. In this region however, it was more likely one from WWII. With great effort I climbed up on the hatch. As large as it was I felt I could stand, and I did so carefully. There was nothing in sight as far as the horizon. I was alone with no food or water. A pity I could not turn it over; with the ridged edge up I would have somewhere to catch water if it rained. I cataloged what I had as survival gear. My clothes, the pants shredded down the back from sliding down the deck. So torn my ass hung out, a shirt that was a bit ripped but serviceable. My wallet was gone and I wanted to curse between laughing. Sure I'd had about five hundred dollars in it. Enough to replace my wardrobe, for a good meal and a taxi to the embassy. If there were a store, or a restaurant, or a taxi or an embassy. I crawled along the edge. There was a rope that went down into the depths and I caught it, pulling it up. The end of the rope had a heavy weight attached to it, and it was thirty feet long. I stood, paying the rope out as I did. There was five feet more rope than there was from the point it connected in the center of one side, and I considered how to do this. I lifted the end, wrapping around my waist, then leaned back as hard as I could. No, it lifted, but not enough. Only the luck of having the wind lift it would help. Maybe I could fashion a fishhook to catch something to eat, but fishing with a half inch manila line is like almost ridiculous. I spied something float nearby, and grabbed the rope. It looked like one of those aluminum suitcases, or a camera case. Whatever was in it might keep me alive a little longer. I cast the rope, time and again, trying to get it over the case. Finally I succeeded, and the weight on the other end dropped into the depths, the rope shoving it closer. Finally I could reach it. It was a little heavy, but my mind filled it with sports bars and bottled water, sandwiches and bottled tea. I caught the latches and flung it open. Clothes, girl's clothes. I pawed through it frantically. Two dresses, a skirt and blouse combination. Lacy bras and panties, garter belts, half a dozen pairs of stockings, a single piece bathing suit and near the bottom, a cache of candy bars and a make up kit. I didn't know who the woman had been, but I wished her soul well as I stuffed a candy bar in my mouth. I found a passport, and flipped it open. Lissette DuBois, Dutch national, seventeen years old. I looked at her for a long time as I chewed that manna from the sea. Why had she been traveling here? I know the Islands had once been Dutch, but that was before WWII. Now they were the sprawling nations of Micronesia and Indonesia. Well she was gone, and I was still alive. I took everything out of the case, laying it out neatly. The clothes I had just enumerated, a qipao, what westerners called a chengosam and a summer dress. Stockings, underwear, candy, the make up case and a diary with a pen. I almost threw it away, but I could use it. I could record what happened to me, and if I did not survive, I would have a record of what remained of my life. Last but not least, some suntan lotion with sunblock and sun glasses. Day 2 I awoke with a horrible sunburn on my back and ass. The clothes might cover, but not well enough to avoid that. I considered trying to lay on my back if I slept again, but the sheer agony of trying the position made me scream aloud. I considered Lissette's clothes. Except for the ankle length chengosam there was nothing that would cover all of me and even that left my arms exposed. I ripped away the pants, removed the shirt. I hadn't seen how bad the back of it was. It was in worse tatters than the pants. I looked at the chengosam. It would cover me better than what I had on. With the suntan lotion and sun block, I could cover up enough to avoid more sunburn. I opened the buttons, and slid it on. It was an odd feeling, satin and silk against my skin, but I was too tired hungry and thirsty to care. I buttoned it back up, feeling it snug against my body. The lotion went on, the cooling balm a bit of relief from the burning sensation. Still nothing in sight. My lips felt chapped, and I dug in the make up case. No lip balm, nothing but lipstick and lip gloss. I read the label. Moisturizing lip stick. I considered, then shrugged. It wasn't like there were hordes of people watching. Using the mirror I carefully applied it. I fashioned a shade from the dress so the sun would not pound so hard on me, my arm tight around the case as I ate another candy bar and fell asleep. I awoke feeling rain falling on me. I rolled over, wincing at the pain, and saw heavy clouds headed for me. I grabbed the case, dumping it out, then flipped it upright as suddenly the shower became a pounding downpour. I used my shirt to sluice it across the hatch, cleaning away the salt, then frantically began to squeeze the precious liquid into my only container. I kept working at it until suddenly the storm was past. I looked at the case, and my mind for some reason began to figure. The open part was 20 inches wide, 36 inches long, four inches deep. 2880 cubic inches. Over eleven quarts of water. As I cupped my hands and drank, I knew my math teacher in high school would have been proud of me. I stopped after a few minutes, waiting for an hour before I drank again. I didn't want to waste any of it by throwing it back up. I drank again, and stopped after about two quarts. Then I closed the case firmly. I didn't want it tainted by salt or evaporating away. Day three. Still nothing to see. I drank and ate another candy bar. I only had one left. The shade and long dress protected my skin, though I had to slather the suntan lotion and sunblock on my exposed arms, legs, and face, and this time I used the lip gloss. It had a nice flavor, and I found myself licking the strawberry gloss. I could almost picture what I looked like from a distance. From that range they would not see my features, only my outline. A young woman lazily sunning herself on a flat platform, using her suitcase as a pillow, and another dress as an umbrella. I fell asleep as the sun went down. Day six. No food for two days. I felt my stomach grumble. Another rain shower filled my container. Right then I would have traded all of it for a hamburger and fries. I watched the horizon, not wanting to move. There was a bar of darkness there. I lifted my hand, using it as a shade. An island? Maybe a larger storm. The wind was picking up, and I looked around. No, behind me was the storm, and it was huge. The Island Time passed as I lay there. I saw a covering of palm leaves above me, a man's face, then nothing. Later I saw a petite woman looking at me, patting my shoulder, saying "You be good girl." I remember her four times. Each time I remember something being shoved into my rectum, the feeling of heaviness in my belly, then something plugging me like a sink as I was rolled onto my back as my stomach was gently rubbed. Then much later, as I heard what might be birdsong as the sun rose I was walked to a trench, and evacuated my bowels. When I finally came to myself I was on a narrow mattress of cotton stuffed with sweet smelling grass and herbs. I was in a shift of some kind, and the roof was still palm fronds. The man who I had seen in my brief times of consciousness came in, setting down a woven bucket. He saw me looking at him and hunkered down. He was a little taller than I was, with a wide flat face, and almond eyes in that dusky countenance. "Feel better?"? He asked. I nodded. He got a clay cup, lifted my body gently, and held the cup to my lips. Refreshing cool water ran down my throat, and I drank greedily. It wasn't lukewarm like the water that had been in the case. He lowered the cup, then lay me back down. "You sleep long time. I get food." I lay there, looking through the doorway into the camp beyond. Men in pants and shirts moved about, and women in shifts like what I wore carried wood or beat fruit into paste and grain into meal. He returned and held a cup. I didn't recognize the taste of the juice, but my body arched up. I was mewling with hunger as I drained that cup and two more. Fried and mashed fruit followed by dried fish was pressed between my lips, and I devoured it all. The man gently laid me down, and I looked at the roof above again. A young woman came in, hunkering down beside the bed. "Where... where am I?" I whispered. "Island, Mata kail," the man said. "Do not know English." He drew a J shape with a round top. "Shape like this." I looked at it. Something was causing me to have problems thinking. "A metal piece to catch fish? A fishhook?" "Yes. Named because island is same shape." "Natives?" I asked. Even as I did, I could see that wasn't true. There were Caucasians, light skinned Asians, and those as dusky as the two who were with me out there. Only the women were homogeneous, all dusky like the woman here. I lifted my arm. My skin after my ordeal was as dark as theirs. "No. Prison. Special secret prison," the man told me. "So secret we all die before it be revealed." He touched his chest, then pointed at the men. "If this is no secret, we all die." "The women?" I had noticed that the women had been ignored. "They from tribes. Three on islands east west, and south." He pointed so I knew the directions. "They allowed to trade with this island. We trade them fish fruit and pearls." He motioned toward the silent woman beside him. "They trade women." "Slave?" I asked. He grinned, shaking his head. "Some stay for long time, some for short. All can leave. But men stay here or die." "But I'm not one of their prisoners!" "No matter. They know you man, you become prisoner. Good you dress like girl." I must have looked confused. "Three day ago new girls come, old girls leave. You in here. When you go outside, old girls think you new girl. New girls think you old girl. They see you, they see girl." "But who rescued me?" "I rescue." The man thumped his chest. "See you wash ashore. Bring you here. Only Luha and I know you here. Others just think one girl is sick." He motioned to the woman. "She help me. I doctor Bahan." I looked at them. Luha was a bit shorter than I was, long black hair falling in a sheet to the center of her back. Her posture sitting on her heels, back straight spoke of fine muscle control. "My name is Michael Conner. My friends call me Miko." I looked at Luha. "She is a nurse?" "No nurse," he replied. "She belong to Sarang, one of the men. She help if I have patient." "How would they know I was here if I am a man?" I asked. "Every morning they send helicopter. Men must come out and stand on beach, wide enough that we can be counted. Even sick men must be there. If count no match, they send bigger helicopter, soldiers. They search. If still no find, they go to villages. They have picture of all men here, they search. They find man in village?" He jerked his thumb across his throat. "Him, all people they catch. They all die. People in village know this. They will tell to save lives of children." I considered this in my still woozy state. I could escape dressed as a woman, but only until someone knew I wasn't a woman. "Could I get to the other villages?" He considered. He began sketching on the ground. A dot, then three dots almost like an equilateral triangle. "Us, other villages," he said. A larger dot. "Timor, has airport, but only for inside country. No passport, no plane." Another larger oval. "Java," he said. "Airports, embassy." He tapped Timor. "Four hundred miles," Java, "Eight hundred miles. Some schooners come this area." He circled the small islands. "But stop only at villages. No come here except government ship. Forbidden. Ship come, crew join us here." He leaned back. "Get to island can do, sure. Get ship, maybe, but ship come when? No like bus with schedule. Longer you stay, more chance village tell soldiers. Get ship they find you man maybe they give to soldier, maybe they throw you in ocean. Maybe they cut throat, eh? "Be girl, no one notice, but on ship maybe girl what they need, yes? Need protector, man who say, this my girl." He Bahan considered. "Same here. If you no pick man, man pick you." "But I'm a man!" He sat for a long time, looking at me. "Among your people you have men who love other men?" I nodded slowly. "Women who love other women?" I nodded again. "There are some in land who are born man, but feel like girl here." He touched his chest, then his head. "They dress like girl, act like girl, with women they are girl. But with man they act like girl. Man sees you in woman clothes, he think you one of those." My mind was fuzzy. If I dressed like a girl I was a girl? It didn't make sense. "Men here, some like those who are girl-boy. Even if he not like you, he know one who will. As long as you patient, you safe. But you be well in short-short time, and will have to help the women. Before too long man try to take you. You fight he think you tease. Maybe rape fantasy." So I could hide until someone decided to bend me over. I didn't want to do this, but I didn't have a choice. "I will think on this." "Good. Sleep and rest. If men speak, women speak, you no understand. They think you stupid." He tapped his head. I nodded. He patted me on the shoulder and left. Luha leaned over, brushing my hair away from my face. "I brush hair?" she asked. I nodded. She turned me around, and began to brush my hair with long luxuriant strokes. As she did she murmured in her own language, comments about my hair, maybe just chattering as some women did. When she was done, she lay me back down. I could tell by the sun that it was near noon, but that didn't stop me from falling asleep. I came awake to music and singing. The sun had set, and fires lit the clearing. Men and women sat around, laughing, joking, dancing. The girls were getting food for the men, bringing it over, serving them then returning with food for themselves. It looked like any group of people at a picnic. A man drew a girl to him, the girl hesitant. Then they kissed. From where I lay, I was a voyeur watching the intimate moment. Would that be me in a short time? Being kissed by some man who thought I was a girl, or didn't care as long as I acted like one? Luha delivered some food to a husky man, slapping away his hands playfully, motioning toward where I was. Then she went back to the pot, setting another portion, and walked toward the hut where I lay. She handed me the wooden bowl and bread. "Eat, grow strong." She said. Then she left me to run back down to the fire. The man she had been teasing stood, and she leaped into his arms, giggling as he nibbled at her neck and kissed her. I ate, the food delicious. I watched the domestic scene with wonder. My father had always like the National Geographic magazines, and I has seen so many wonderful things from around the world. This could have been a village in any poor third world country. Nothing marked them as prisoners and girls hired for 'short time'. What did that mean? A month? Three? Six? I would have to ask Luha or Bahan. I set the bowl aside, and rolled on my stomach watching out the door. The couples were mostly eating still, but some had begun serious necking sessions, unmindful of those around them. Then the couples began moving off into the jungle, into the huts. Luha and her man were wrapped around each other like two pythons trying to crush each other. She lifted from him, saying something softly, then motioned toward my hut. The man tried to pull her back down, but she pulled away. She ran to one of the huts, then came toward the hut and entered again. She had a bladder of some kind, heavy with liquid. She attached a nozzle. Then she lifted my shift, a lubricated finger running into my ass. "What are you doing?" I asked trying to pull away. She held me down at the waist. "Help you sleep. Help you be good girl." She said. She took the nozzle, and slid it up into me. Then she turned, taking a round polished piece of wood about four inches long shaped like a teardrop with a wide flat piece on it's bottom. She spoke to me as if gentling a child, then she moved out of my sight. I felt something warm and oily injecting itself into my bowels. The bladder hadn't been that big, maybe a pint and a half of liquid. Then she picked up the teardrop. I saw that it was about an inch and a half thick at the widest point before it necked down to less than half an inch where it met the base. Before I could protest, I felt it slide up, corking me like a wine bottle. She rolled me over, gently kneading my stomach. I felt full, but not uncomfortably so. After a few moments of her massage, I began to feel my mind drifting. "You want to be good girl, I do every night," Luha said, her massaging hands running over my abdomen in a relaxing pattern. "Now on, you ask and I do." She patted my cheek. "Stay in all night, I take you to empty at dawn." She kissed my cheek, rolling me back over so my head was on the pillow again. She smiled. "With Luha help, you be good girl." The Village I felt gentle hands lift me. I opened my eyes and Luha smiled. "Come, before others wake up." I found I could walk, though my legs were wobbly. Luha took my arm, leading me toward a trench dug in the ground. From the stench I could tell it was a public latrine. A pole stood beside the trench, and she maneuvered me until I was standing with my back to the trench. "Bend down," she said, hunkering down as she had when I first met her. I did as she bid, and she reached under me. The cork popped out, and I felt a flow of liquid with a harsh licorice like stench flood from me. I gasped as the feeling of being full vanished. I was still calm, distressingly so. She hand me some leaves, and I wiped, dropping them into the trench. I was able to walk better by the time we reached the hut. She led me in, then headed down to the coals of the fire. She began adding wood, and soon a fire burned brightly. She began pouring water into a cauldron, and began pounding grain with a giant mortar and pestle. Other women began to join her, and they divided up the work. Luha allowed another girl to take over the mortar and pestle as she took a large bag, and immersed it in the now steaming water. As one began to make a batter of the ground grain, another added fresh grain. Others sliced meat, putting it on skewers to hang over the fire. Another pulled coals onto a stone in the edge of the fire. She picked up handsful of the dough, slapping it back and forth between her hands. Then swiped the coals away, dropping flat hand formed cakes onto the stone. They chattered like magpies. I didn't understand the language, but some of the gestures were obvious. One was joking about what she and her man had done the night before with gestures so obvious even I was blushing. Then the men began to come down. The women served them as they arrived, and the women joined their men as they sat to eat, juggling position like a troop of professional dancers. Bahan came down, and Luha handed him a plate and cup. She set aside another portion, handing that to Bahan as well, then she served her own man and joined him. Bahan came up to the hut and handed me the plate and cup. He sat beside me and I ate. "You well enough to go to trench with little help. Tomorrow you well enough to help. Luha take you to hot spring for bath today." I nodded, my mouth full. I swallowed. "But I was not filthy yesterday. How did that happen?" "While you unconscious Luha bathe you." I pictured it, laying unable to resist as her hands ran over my body as they had last night. It was a suddenly erotic picture, but for some reason I didn't get hard at the thought. But then again, if a nurse gave you a sponge bath, would you be aroused? You should be, but I wasn't. No, that isn't correct. I was aroused, but didn't have any physical sign of that arousal. Maybe I wasn't well enough for that yet. We finished eating, sitting enjoying our tea and a companionable silence. Bahan cocked his head, and I heard the whining sound of a helicopter in flight. Bahan set down his tea. Outside the men were standing, walking toward my right. I stood following Bahan and watched as the men got into two ragged lines on the beach. One moment nothing, then the helicopter was there. It was a Hughes design, probably the Defender, considering the chain gun beside the left door. Two uniformed men sat in the cockpit, one of them aiming a pair of binoculars. The aircraft turned, the gun an obvious threat, then hovered over the lagoon. For a long time nothing happened. The men stood there, hands at their sides, wind whipping their hair. There were twenty of them, I realized. Twenty men sentenced to a life in obscurity. The helicopter lifted flying toward us, and a small parachute with something hanging below it dropped to the sand. As it turned and now raced away west, one of the men walked over, opening the package. The others gathered around, and they talked. Then the men walked back into the clearing. They began gathering axes and saws, then each grabbing his woman, they kissed them and went off into the trees. Bahan came over to me. "Government wants some trees cut down. We do, they send ship to pick up." "Why?" "Very valuable trees. Rare, only found here these four islands. Cut ten maybe twenty trees a year. They want two from here." "All this effort for two trees?" "They also pick up nutmeg and vanilla bean." He pointed as a dozen large baskets. "We collect every day. As we fill basket, we put there, easy for helicopter to see. When enough, they tell us they come." "When they do?" "We secret remember?" Crew of ship told we very shy natives. We hide, they no look for us. They look, they end up here, yes? They leave things we need. Medicine, tools, tobacco, some things for women." He clapped me on the shoulder. "You rest one more day. Tomorrow you able to help." He picked up an army backpack with a red cross on it, then hefted an ax walking into the jungle. Luha came to me, bringing a pair of towels, a natural soft sponge and a loofah sponge, and a bar of sweet smelling soap. We walked up the hill away from where the men had gone. The jungle smelled of yeast like rising bread, mold, flowers, anise and vanilla. Luha told me about the grove of nutmeg trees where they filled the baskets. Vanilla bushes, banana and coconut. Flowers seemed to grow everywhere. The hot spring was formed from a bubbling of water into a stream that ran in. to a pool filled by a small spring of cold water so it mixed naturally. Luha sat me down, pulling up my shift. She pulled it over my head, then moved to the spring, swirling her hand until she found the right spot, filling a bucket. She came back, pushed my hair forward over my shoulder, then sat behind me and began washing my back for me. She scrubbed with the loofah then with the soft sponge. It felt sinfully decadent to have someone do this for me, and I luxuriated in the attention. "You too white. Need time in sun," she told me. "After bath, you sunbathe," she ordered. She took the bucket of water, and rinsed my back with it. "Wash front and legs," she ordered. As I did as she instructed, she filled the bucket again. I did as she told me. She directed me into the hot spring. "Move until water comfortable." She motioned left and right. I stepped in and immediately saw what she meant. Within a few feet the water went from briskly cool to almost boiling. I found a comfortable spot, and relaxed. She stripped, watching me as she washed herself. Her breasts were small, but still cute. She noticed my look, smiling. "Soon you be good girl. No look at other girl like that." I blushed, looking away. After a time she joined me, resting a little further into the hot water than I. We rested there for a long time before she stretched, those nipples seeming to stretch out. "Now you sun bathe. I make sure you do not sleep and burn." I climbed out, laying on my back as she massaged oil into my back. "You use, you no burn." She told me, holding up the clay bottle. "You lay there." She said slapping my white ass. After a time she had me roll over, and rubbed oil into my front, missing nothing. Even her delicate fingers rubbing oil onto my penis did not cause me to come erect. I should have been worried, I knew, but it wasn't important for some reason. Finally she had me dress again, and we walked back down to the huts. The other women saw me, and giggled. "She Miko," Luha introduced me, then began telling me of the girls. The names ran together in my head; Mahi, Soho, Lanah, Miho and the others. Seventeen girls. Suddenly I remembered that morning, twenty men, only eighteen girls. Eighteen girls, and me. "Which men do not have girls?" I asked Luha. She looked at me. "Bahan and Sungah. Girls sometimes do that for Bahan, he kind. But Sungah mean. Girl not like him. When new girls come, none pick him." "Why doesn't Bahan have a girl?" "He not ask girls this time. He had girl- Jahala- but she get pregnant, go home when new girls come. Too busy taking care of you. If you no choose we give him pleasure sometime." I felt bad. If the only pleasure I had was the girls that came from another island, I would be irritated at the boy that had lost me that chance even if I sometimes got laid. The girls chattered in that same mixture of Indonesian and English I was becoming used to. I was set to work grinding grain for bread. The mortar was a rounded bowl almost eighteen inches across, the pestle a smoothed stone rounded at both ends and a foot long. I had to lift and drive it down in a twisting motion to grind the barley, and it was hard work. But they left me in silence. Every now and then, one of the girls, Miho I think, would sweep the new flour into a bowl, and another named Sahia would add a handful of grain. Luha stopped me as the men came down from the forest. I ignored them as the girls handed me the bowl of dough. Luha showed me how to make one of the flat cakes, then I spent minutes making them handing them to Luha who slapped them on the baking stone until again I was stopped. A plate of food was handed to me, and Luha pointed. "Give to Sungah. Girls give him food, be polite." I looked at the man, and felt a chill. He was taller than I was, rippling muscles revealed since he had not put his shirt on. He smiled, and I could see the cruelty in that gesture. I took the plate, walking over, and knelt as the girls did, holding it out. He took the plate, then I gasped as his hand closed on my wrist. I felt him pulling, and I pulled back. No! I was not going to let him- Luha came over, touching Sungah's arm. "She no serve Bahan yet," she said. Sungah glared at her, then leaned back, stuffing food in his mouth. Luha set the plate in my hands. "Give to Bahan." I stood, walking over to the doctor. He watched me, reaching out as I knelt to offer the food. "Terimah Kasih," he said, taking the plate and eating. I accepted my own plate, and ate. My eyes kept going nervously back and forth between the men. Sungah was a brute, I knew if he decided to use me as a girl I would be beaten until I submitted. Bahan had many a chance to abuse my body in the last few days, but had never touched me in an unseemly manner that I knew. He had fed me as if I were a child, probably had to wipe me like a baby, and never shown me anything but kindness. I finished my stew, picking one of the red bananas from a stalk that some of the girls had brought. It was like the yellow bananas I was used to, only small and red outside with pink meat. I peeled it and ate. Sungah's eyes focused as I slipped it into my mouth in dainty bites. I could tell from his look he was seeing another meat between my lips, and I blushed. Bahan looked when I began, but focused instead on his food. I reached out, pouring a cup of tea. Ignoring Sungah, I went to Bahan, kneeling and presenting it to him as I had his meal. He looked at my face, then leaned forward, taking it. I felt his fingers brush mine, lingering for a moment before moving to take the cup. "Tea," Sungah demanded. The girls looked at him, but his eyes were one me. Sahia began to ladle out some tea, and he snarled. "No! Miko! Tea!" The group was silent. I could feel Bahan's eyes, and looked at him. He cocked his head. I could tell he was telling me to be strong. I turned, still kneeling, hands on my knees, looking down. "Tea was offered, Sungah, and refused. So do I refuse," I replied. He snarled, glaring past me. "She do for you, or I make her do for me," he threatened. Then he stood, shouldered the ax and stormed away into the forest. I was quivering. One man would guide me gently, another force me even if I resisted. What would I choose? My decision Since I was considered well enough to help by most of the girls, I found myself being dragged into the forest. They spent their day gathering food for dinner. One girl would tie her ankles together, then squat jump up the trunk of a banana or coconut tree. She would twist a fresh coconut or bunch of bananas, dropping it to the others on the ground. Others gathered cassava so they could make poi in the Tahitian or Samoan manner. I acted as Bahan had mentioned, seeming less bright than I was as they guided me. I was brought down to the lagoon and we harvested the bounty of the sea. Sea cucumber, fish, sea urchin, all would feed us. The fish were filleted, then hung on racks above the fire to smoke. I was good with a knife and spent two hours gutting the fish and laying the fillets on the rack. The girls accepted me as one of them, meaning I knew the men would consider me one. What would I do? When the men returned, would I be the patient or the girl who as yet had no man? As the sun began to set the girls gathered, and dinner preparation began. My skill with a knife had me cutting and dicing the meat, other girls taking what I had done and adding it to the communal stew. I was a girl doing what I must, and dreading the night when I would be a girl. As the sun set the men came back to the camp. I had sliced and diced meat, then I had been returned to grinding flour as other girls made the bread to go with it. Sungah sat, and one of the girls gave him tea. I sipped from my own cup between grinding more flour, feeling his hot eyes on me. Bahan came down and I realized there was no choice in this matter. Being brutalized, or being cared for. I went to the tea cauldron, ladling a cup, and carried it over to Bahan. I knelt, offering the cup with my eyes lowered. He took it, then knelt, lifting my face with his finger. "Terimah Kasih, Miko." He said. Then he sat. I blushed. Had I just offered myself to this man? "Miko, stir the pot," Miho ordered, and I went over, gently stirring the stew pot. We had all added to this feast, not just one of us; banana, coconut, meat, fish, all of us had made this stew. I was the one that doled out the stew as each girl gathered it for their man. Each took their offering to their man, then their own portion. Soon only three portions remained. My own, one for Sungah, another for Bahan. I tapped Luha. "Please, for Sungah." I ladled out a generous portion for the one I refused. As Luha carried it I put another portion in a bowl. Before Sungah could complain, I went to Bahan, kneeling. I held out my offering, and he took it. "Sit with me," he asked rather than commanded. I went back, feeling Sungah's furious gaze as I served myself. I could feel his attention become a furious flame as I turned, kneeling beside Bahan. "May I?" I asked. Bahan moved aside, and I slid up beside him. We sat in companionable silence as we ate. Across the fire I could feel Sungah's angry gaze. I leaned in, feeling Bahan's warmth against my flesh, feel his strength fill me as I submitted. Dinner ended, empty dishes, replete diners. I took my own and his plate to Sahia who would clean this night. I felt Bahan's arm on my shoulders, saw the other women take the dishes for cleaning. Bahan put his arm around me, pulling me closer, and I molded myself to his body. Across the fire Sungah glared, and his glare made me press myself tighter to Bahan. I would no allow myself to be used. I knew one thing: Bahan would ask and guide. Sungah would force me even if I resisted. I accepted the choice. "Bahan," I asked. I could feel his attention. His arm was on my shoulder, part of me wished to push him away, but I leaned into his warmth, and felt him accept me. Around us everyone but Sungah sat in companionable silence. Then one of the girls slapped her thighs. She looked at other girls, then slapped them again. Another girl began to grin, and slapped a tattoo on thighs, then stomach, then chest. In moments the girls were setting a beat, rapid and wild. The men added their own deeper thuds. I found myself adding my own sounds as I clapped and pounded my thighs. They began to sing, but it was wordless. I was reminded of an old movie named Caveman where a small group of people created music only using their bodies and what they could hold. Some of the people stood, dancing just as wildly. Bahan caught my hand, and we joined them. He smiled sadly at me, as we moved, and I returned the smile. "It will be all right, Bahan." He nodded. He stopped dancing, taking my hand. I followed as he led me not to the hut where I had been all this time, but to another. "This my hut. That is for sick." He let me go first. It was tiny as all the huts were, room enough to sleep and a few possessions. He lay on the pallet, Helping me to kneel beside him. He lay back, and I found myself laying beside him on the narrow mattress. "We be together, but I let you decide." How did this happen? I was laying beside a man in his bed, his arm around me. Everyone thought I was a girl except for two people, and another man intended to take what he wanted. I was laying on my side, looking across Bahan's deep wide chest. My hand rested on his chest near his nipple, and I found my hand running idly across his chest. He lay quiet as my hand ran across that expanse. He was hairless, as I was, but he was heavily muscled, obviously from hard work. I heard something, looking toward the door. Bahan had gone still, and he lifted his head. Sungah was out there, I knew it. He had already pretty much said if I did not satisfy Bahan I would have to satisfy him. "She doesn't do much, does she?" Sungah commented. I slid my hand down Bahan's chest, the edge of his pants slowing me a bit, then I felt the soft meat of his penis. I slowly stroked it, glaring into the darkness. "Woman know slow cook is best. Man just angry it not made on time," I said. As I fondled it, I could feel Bahan getting harder. Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, if he didn't leave soon, I would have to, to... Instead of leaving Sungah kept watching. I had to do it. I couldn't let myself be raped. I pulled Bahan's pants down, sliding down his body. My hand still stroked him, and I soon saw it before my eyes. I could feel Sungah's eyes on me. I looked up and Bahan watched me. He knew the struggle I was facing, and he would help if he could. In this all he could do to help was not stop me. I reached out with my tongue, licking the head before me. Bahan gasped, and I heard a curse from behind me. I moved so he could watch. "This you will not have from me." I said. Then I took the head in my mouth. For a moment I was stunned. I had a man's penis in my mouth, and didn't know what to do from here. I had received a blow job before, and I remembered what I had liked. I slid my mouth down, then my cheeks sank in as I lifted, feeling the head against my lips. I swirled my tongue around it as I slid deeper. Bahan's hand gently rested on my head, and I looked first at Sungah, who was snarling in anger, then at Bahan. Bahan's face was tight with need, need I had caused. I slid down, feeling him bump against my throat. I didn't even have half of him in my mouth! I kept sucking, licking, feeling him stiffen in my mouth. I lifted, my hand stroking him as I stared at Sungah. "Now go away. I want to pleasure my man without watcher." I then slid my hand down as my mouth took him in again. I heard thrashing outside, and would have sighed if Bahan's hand had not kept my head where it was. He was gasping, and before I realized what was happening, I felt him erupt in my mouth. I lay there stunned, my mouth filling now with sperm. I swallowed frantic to breath, feeling him erupt again then finally one last time. His hand moved and I lifted away, seeing the nacreous liquid I had not swallowed flowing down to cover him. I had sucked a man off, let him come in my mouth. Swallowed it. Oh god what had I done? Bahan pulled me up, holding my head against his shoulder. I started crying against him, and he held me as I cried. I wasn't sure who or what I was anymore. Acceptance Days passed. Luha had handed me a large pill bottle with odd round dots on wax paper. "You take every day. Five in morning, five at night before go to bed," she instructed. The dots were small waxy lumps of some herbal remedy. They tasted odd if I left them in my mouth, but I found that swallowing them didn't leave the taste in my mouth. She continued the enemas, but instead of administering them before bed, she would take me to the hot spring, inject the oil and the plug, then we would bathe together. Before we joined the girls in gathering food she would walk me to the latrine, and drain it out again. The daily sunbathing became hour long relaxing times. I was as brown as the other girls now, if we stood together I was noticed only because I was a bit taller than them, and my hair had been sun bleached to the color of mahogany. Between the enemas and pills, the days fogged. Every evening I would play with Bahan as we lay in bed, taking him into my mouth was just another duty. I was content with my life as it was. The government men came, and we hid. When we came back down to the huts there were bags of tobacco, sugar, salt, rice and barley. There was always something to do. Gathering food and the ever present nutmeg and vanilla beans. We found time to play, swimming in the lagoon, splashing each other like children. The girls saw my penis, but they ignored it as Bahan had predicted. I found my chest becoming tender, and I was having mood swings. Frustration would drive me to tears. A gentle touch by Bahan made me want to hold him to me. One night I lay not asleep yet, curled up with Bahan spooned against me. I felt his erection pushing against my back as I lay there, and it felt right somehow. I shifted, and now it slid between my legs. My thighs tightened, and I felt him gasp in his sleep as he slid between them. I felt a rush of power. I was able to do this to him. He shifted, his erection moving from between my legs, and I felt him pushing higher. The daily enemas had taken an erotic turn. Luha had used slightly larger plugs over time, and having it up my ass made me feel complete. Right now there was no plug. I wanted the feeling again. He was just the right size. I found myself reaching back, taking him in hand. I centered the head behind me, then as Luha always instructed, I pushed. The head slid in, and I gasped, writhing at the sensation. I wanted more, more! I slid back, and he entered me. I felt his arm tighten, then his hips pushed, and I felt him sliding deeper. I moaned as his lips brushed my neck. I writhed against him as he took control. He rammed into me, and I was his willing accomplice. His hands slid, one up the other down. I felt a hand on my penis for the first time in a long time, the other finding my nipple. I cried out as he pinched it. I had never known a nipple could be so sensitive. My body writhed. I wanted him to touch me, to fuck me. To use me as his vessel. I shoved my chest into his hand, reaching down to hold his hand against me. I was hard, but not very. It was as if I really were a girl, that piece of flesh just a remnant of my old life. He grunted, and I felt him come inside me. The heat of it suddenly drove me into an orgasm like I had never had before. My penis was only a small portion of it. It was my breasts, and my ass his movement, my entire body was involved. He slipped from inside me and I rolled over, hugging him to me. I kissed his face, his tongue running into my mouth and I pushed into him, my hands holding his ass as he pulled me to him. "Again?" I asked plaintively. He laughed, sliding down my body. He captured a nipple and I almost hit the roof at the sensation. I cupped his head against me, feeling him gnaw at the nub. I was ready to scream as he began on the other nipple. He slid further down, and I watched as he took me into his mouth. I hissed at the sensation, my hands clawing at his head. "Yes, please, more." I felt myself hit his throat, then suddenly I was sliding even further. Oh god, he was deep throating me! I had to learn how to do that. I had to return the joy he was giving me. Right then I would have even taken Sungah in my body, I was so aroused. Another orgasm ran through me, a small portion of liquid leaking into his mouth, and I tried to push him away, I was too sensitive. He slid up my body, his arms catching my legs, and I found myself looking into his eyes, felt him nudging my ass. I reached down, guiding him in, and felt him slide into me again. "Oh yes." I purred, my arms coming up to his head, caressing his face. "Fuck me, Bahan, make me your woman." I felt him plunge deep, and I dropped my hands to his ass, forcing him deeper. I kept begging him to fuck me and he obliged. It was wonderful, it was maddening. I wanted more, more, more! He stiffened, and I felt him coming, my ass milking him. He rolled off me, and we cuddled as we drifted back to sleep. The next morning I awoke, looking at his face. I was still stunned by last night. I had taken him into my body, and enjoyed every second. The others were waking up and I pulled on my shift, joining the girls at work. Sahia glanced at me, then began giggling. She spoke to one of the others, and soon all were giggling. I had been picking up the language, and could tell they thought I had the freshly fucked look. I blushed as I ground the grain for breakfast. They kept looking at me, and giggling. Sungah came down, making his own tea before he sat glaring at us. The girls showed solidarity, sitting around me as they asked the questions you would expect. Was it good? Was Bahan big enough to satisfy? I found myself drawn into their talk, giggling along with them as I showed his measure by hands in the air, reminiscing as we got down and dirty. The men joined us, and were served. I doled out the food, taking a portion to Bahan. He took it, then froze as I pulled him down, kissing him. I pulled back, breathless, looking into his eyes. I had found that Terimah Kasih meant thank you. "Terimah Kasih, Bahan. For last night, and all the nights we will be together," I whispered. Luha and I went to the hot spring, and she giggled as I stripped to take our bath. She scrubbed my back, then allowed me to scrub hers. I was getting into the water when I saw her pull our a pill bottle, dipping one of the waxed medicine balls into her mouth. She caught me watching her, then, for the first time she stood, showing her body to me. I had seen her naked before, but never all of her from the front. She was shy compared to the other girls, always fig leafing herself. But now... She had high small breasts, and a tiny penis of her own. I stared at her body, then at her face. There was no sign except for that of her gender. She walked over, kneeling on the stone beside my head. "I know you be good girl," she whispered, "I be good girl too." She leaned forward, lips touching mine. "We be good girl here long long time." I realized what had been happening, the enemas of herbal oils, the pills, my suddenly sensitive nipples, the feeling of completeness they gave me even before I took Bahan into my mouth. I could have stopped her, not allowed the enemas. Could have refused the pills, and the treatment of all who saw me as a girl here. But I had allowed it to happen. I had taken my choices, and they led to me here. I felt my budding breasts. Soon they would be the same size as hers. I would grow into this role, become the woman she had become. I had a lover who gently introduced to sex, and I hungered for more. "Yes. I will be good girl." I kissed her back. "Be very good girl." Epilogue. It has been three years now. I found that 'short time' meant six months. Over half of the girls returned to their villages, and other girls replaced them. Of the other six girls, four had gone home heavy with child, and that left Luha and me. We are the long time girls, those who stayed because we found our lives here complete. Sungah finally pushed someone too far, and a year after my arrival he died when his skull was crushed. The government men had seen his body laying on the beach the next morning, and we were ordered into the jungle. I was close enough to see what they did. One mand climbed down from the helicopter, drawing a pistol from a holster. He aimed, and put two rounds into the body before they picked him up and attached the litter to hooks on the side of the plane. It flew out, and we watched Sungah drop into the water, gone and not missed. Every now and then other men joined us, and there have been problems until they understood the society. The girls would sometimes take care of them until the next time the villages sent their girls; even I discovered the different tastes of sperm from different men. Bahan understood, and he would joke with me that I must enjoy it so much. I would joke with him that he had chosen me because I would never get pregnant. He laughed, but I think that is why. He didn't want to lose his girl again. I am at the last page in the old diary. I see no reason to continue recording. Bahan is coming down the beach, and I want to stand and run into his arms. To feel him inside me again. I have made my choices, and I would not have it any other way. I am leaving this journal hidden wrapped in plastic to protect it. I do not know what crimes these men had committed, but one day their story will come to light. Until that time I have strong arms, a warm body, and love to keep me safe...