My Wonderful Obsession - Part 40 free porn video

My Wonderful Obsession Part 40: An Unlikely Savior Julia's birthday party had a slightly different twist that year - like, no guys allowed! That might have surprised me if I hadn't sensed that she was having issues with her boyfriend Alex. Every time I inquired about him, she seemed to have some complaint about his behavior, or something he said that annoyed her, or even how he dressed. They were still dating, and I'm pretty sure they were sleeping together (having first-hand knowledge of Julia's appetite for sex, I'd be shocked if they weren't), but it was becoming clear that this wasn't going to be a lasting relationship. So there we all were, six real girls and one wannabe hanging out at the Taylors' pool, splashing and laughing and giggling and talking boys and clothes and friends and generally having the kind of fun time only girls can manage to have together. By then, I was so accustomed to being 'one of the girls' that it all felt pretty normal. Except, of course, because two girls present knew that one of us was really a member of the 'forbidden' sex it wasn't entirely anxiety-free, and you can bet 'she' went to a lot of trouble to hide that fact. Now the lack of other males didn't bother me much, but I know some of the other girls weren't happy about it. Which ones? The ones who looked great in their bikinis, of course. Oh well, I thought, if I looked great in a bikini, maybe I wouldn't mind having a few hunky boys ogling my body either. But that particular treat would have to wait till sometime in my distant future, the way things were going with my savings. Needless to say, the kind of skimpy two-piece I longed to have and wear could never be in my present. At least my two good friends were the 'permitted' sex. Kath's old black one-piece had been traded in for a new teal-green one, which looked a lot better on her, and she'd managed to get some sun on her pale skin over the summer. Julia still had some lingering body-image issues, I knew, so she wasn't much of a bikini girl either, but that was okay 'cause I thought she looked great (and sexier than ever!) in her red swimsuit. As for me, I'd outgrown that really pretty yellow suit in more than a few places, and its replacement was a more subdued navy- blue number that revealed my entire back and more than a little of my cleavage up front. I hoped those visuals, and the dark color, would make it less likely that people would be examining my crotch area too closely. Just to add some insurance, I'd applied my hottest pink nail polish topped with two coats of gloss sealer, and matching sunblock lipstick. Then it was just a matter of being super-careful to not accidentally spread my legs or do anything that would draw attention to my big secret, and wear my cover-up whenever I could. Did I say 'big? And did I mention how fabulous some of the girls looked in their bikinis? And how sexy Julia looked? And to top it all off there was me, getting to play the part of a pretty girl with all those other pretty girls. So maybe you could forgive me for 'losing control' and letting my little secret become a not-so-little one from time to time. You can just imagine how much fun I had trying to conceal that. ***** Aside from that 'little' concern, I couldn't have been more pleased following Julia's party. It felt like were back on good terms again, and despite what she shared on the night of the concert, she seemed a lot more willing to accept me as one of her best girlfriends. Now, we were a long way from doing ultra-girly stuff like doing each other's makeup or shopping for lingerie together, but we could share a magazine like Vogue and trade opinions about hair and clothing styles and stuff like that. To me that was real progress! She even confided in me about Alex, and how he wasn't exactly the most attentive or respectful guy she could imagine, and asked me about my relationships with Mark and Rob, and for advice on how to get more of the 'right' behavior out of Alex. I had a few suggestions, but secretly harbored doubts that he had it in him to be the kind of boyfriend she needed. He was just too much of a typical guy and she'd become too set in her feminist views. What I really liked was how physical Julia still was with me. She'd often say, "I need a hug," and she was always putting her hand on mine to make a point, or if she really agreed with an idea or thought I was expressing. Sometimes she'd just take my hand and hold it, like we were still dating, and once she even stroked my hair and my 'sweet spot,' the back of my neck. When she did that I felt like I could fall in love with her all over again! Then, about a week after her birthday, she suggested we go to a movie together. 'Wow, a real date!' was my first reaction, and I readily agreed. Julia picked me up and we drove to the same theater complex where Mark and I had seen 'Shakespeare in Love' the year before, and like the previous time, we had a light pre-show meal at the caf? nearby. We were in our seats a half-hour before the show started, Julia being one of those people who won't go if she can't get the most perfect spot, just the right distance from the screen and dead center. No problem for me, though, 'cause we were chatting up a storm and in no time at all the lights were dimming. Julia wanted to see 'The Thomas Crown Affair,' for basically two reasons: one, she loves suspense, and two, she adores Pierce Brosnan. This show had tons of both. I thought the story was pretty good too, but by the halfway point the suspense was almost getting too much for both of us. You couldn't say that about Pierce Brosnan, though - neither of us could get enough of him. I could totally see why women think he's the hunkiest man alive, and it isn't just the British accent! Julia whispered that her heart was pounding but she couldn't tell if it was him or the suspense that was responsible. Either way, she had my hand clamped in hers for pretty much the entire movie, and whenever Pierce was on-screen I thought her grip could crack bones. After the show Julia couldn't stop gushing, but it wasn't all about the leading man. "Oh, and I thought Rene Russo's part was so perfect," she exclaimed. "Women hardly ever get decent roles anymore, and she was just such a strong character - so confident. I mean, she showed him that she didn't need him at the end, don't you think?" "Yeah, I thought she was really, like, his equal." "MORE than his equal," Julia corrected me. "I mean, I liked his character and everything, but he was basically a thief, right? She had more, you know, dignity. She knew she was in love with him, but she wouldn't let that get in the way of being the person she was, of doing her duty. You know what I mean?" "I think so," I replied, trying to come across as agreeable. I certainly didn't want to risk giving her the impression I wasn't on her side when it came to her feminist leanings. Not when I was having such a great evening with her! But between you and me, I just wasn't as militant as she was on this subject. ?Well maybe you need to go see it again,? she admonished. ?I know you?re, like, totally stuck on the girly life and everything, but you?d better not turn into some disgusting princess, okay? And don?t ever let yourself be a doormat, either.? ?I promise I won?t, Julia.? But I couldn?t help but wonder whether her little rant had something to do with her relationship with Alex. By then I knew enough about how girls? minds worked that I could tell if they weren?t walking their own talk. ***** I?d had a super-great day at work ? great customers, great tips (for a Monday) and some really great compliments on my service, left by an older couple who were nice enough to fill out the comment card we always delivered with the check. Even better, I got to leave early because the restaurant was barely half-full ? Monday nights are often slow in that business. The taxi dropped me off at home around nine and as I walked to the front door, I decided it was the perfect evening to stretch my legs ? calm, not too warm, and quite fragrant; it reminded me instantly of the evening of my first kiss as a girl, following that unbelievably romantic dinner with Mark when I got to wear my white eyelet dress, only the summer before. I sighed deeply at the memory. For a brief moment I considered calling Kath to see if she could accompany me, but I didn?t feel like sharing the contemplative mood I was in. So I wasted no time wiggling out of that tight skirt and top, changing into my pink sports bra and black lycra shorts, and tying my longish hair back and up with a pink scrunchie. But I didn?t bother to take off any of my work makeup. Later I wondered whether that was the smartest decision ? but in retrospect it probably wouldn?t have made any difference. The stupidest thing was deciding to go running all by myself after dark. It always felt so wonderful, fun and carefree to be able to put on that kind of outfit and go out in public and be accepted as the young female fitness nut I appeared to be. The only part of me that didn?t felt so free was between my legs ? ?discomfort? comes closer to describing the feeling. So that was one thing I liked about running after dark ? if I wore a tight panty and folded my bits just right, the snug, smooth fabric would hold them in place and the black color would camouflage everything ? or so I hoped. But I hardly ever saw anyone and when I did they were always easy to avoid getting close to ? not that they?d be looking at my crotch anyway. The last light of day had pretty much disappeared by the time I hit the sidewalks of my neighborhood. I let myself go back in my mind to the previous summer ? remembering how it felt to fall in love, and the many wonderful times we had together; the dates, the hikes, the long phone calls ? and got kind of lost in my thoughts. I?d just rounded a corner to the left when I spotted a couple of men walking in my direction a few houses up ahead. In the calm air I could hear their voices, and in the glow of a streetlight I could see that one was carrying a stick or something. So I crossed the road and maintained my pace. As I came abreast of them I glanced in their direction to see if they were watching me, which they were, and my heart jumped into my throat as I realized to my dismay that one of them was my old nemesis Justin Bradford. So I looked straight ahead again, hoping he hadn?t recognized me, and picked up the pace. ?If they come after me, maybe I can outrun them,? I thought. When I reached the next block, on my side of the street there was now a park that had huge shade trees and a playground Kath and I used to hang out at when we were kids. Out of breath, I left the sidewalk to cut diagonally across the park, figuring they?d have trouble finding me. Why I was so worried about Justin coming after me, I have no idea ? maybe I was just going out of my way to avoid an awkward confrontation that might spoil the mood I was in. Instead I got myself into a vastly worse situation. Halfway across the park I slowed to catch my breath and glanced backwards to make sure they weren?t following me, and when I turned back around there was a large dark shape not six feet in front of me. My first thought was it was a small tree, but before I had a chance to avoid it, a strong hand gripped my arm and in an instant I was in a headlock, another hand covering my mouth. ?Keep quiet or you?re gonna be dead,? barked a raspy male voice. I absolutely froze, in a total state of shock! ?What the hell?s happening?? was the only thought in my head. Then I clued in ? and in terror tried to break free of the man?s grasp. I?d almost succeeded when I felt a huge painful blow to the side of my face and stars exploded in my brain as I went down hard on the ground. Maybe there was more natural female in me than I thought, because I heard a loud scream come from my lips, but it was cut short when the hand clamped firmly over my mouth again. ?I told ya to keep quiet, you stupid bitch!? From that moment on, my memory of what took place is very sketchy ? it must have been one of those ?out-of-body? things ? but I do remember not being able to move my arms, and struggling to get up but being weighed down by something heavy on my chest, and of feeling something sharp under my chin. And then there was this strange ripping noise, which I later learned was the sound of my shorts being cut off me. The last thing I remember hearing was the same man?s raspy voice ? it sounded really angry, like he was hugely pissed about losing something valuable ? then there was this horrible, indescribably sharp pain shooting all through my body from somewhere in my midsection. I don?t remember screaming again, but apparently I did, very loudly ? as a matter of fact, I don?t remember anything at all from that moment on, until the next time my eyes opened ? and saw fluorescent lights and a plain white tile ceiling. ***** Sometime during my senior year of high school, it occurred to me that people can change a lot from how they were, say, in their freshman year. It happens to most of us, I observed ? take me for instance. Well okay, maybe I?m kind of an extreme example. On the other extreme, though, Kath was hardly any different at all. But Julia sure changed, hadn?t she? By then she didn?t even resemble the heavy-set, introverted young girl with the overdone eye makeup and goth-like clothing. She grown taller and slimmer, she dressed well, and as a young woman she was a lot more self-assured. Not much of a shit-disturber anymore, either ? unless that?s what you?d call taking a stand for what you believe in. And Mark? Well, maybe it?s best not to get into how much HE changed right now. But on the topic of guys, I can say without reservation that my brother Phil had to get the gold star for making the most positive changes in his attitudes and behaviors ? of course you might argue that he just grew up. Point taken ? but I could think of no end of other young adults who did the same over the course of those four years. But hold on a minute ? shouldn?t the award go to ? (envelope please) ? none other than Justin Bradford? Oh yeah ? he?s sure got MY vote! Or maybe he deserves the ?knight in shining armor? award. Or both! I still can?t get over how improbable it was that Justin, the very guy I detested most from at least fifth grade on, the bane of my (and who knows how many others?) existence, would be that knight in shining armor who came to the rescue of a damsel in distress ? namely, me. And was I ever in distress ? the police say if Justin hadn?t showed up and whacked my attacker with his baseball bat, I could have wound up as a worse statistic than I already was ? deceased, to be specific. As it was, my condition was bad enough. The huge black-and-blue bruise that covered the left side of my face was very painful (not to mention supremely ugly), and the knife cut on my neck required three stitches, but those were just flesh wounds compared to the condition my groin was in. It was a total mess, and I was informed it got that way because my attacker had been kicking me as hard as he could, right square in my crotch. I figure I must have passed out after the first blow, or else I might have at least put my legs together or squirmed out of the way of his boots. But it only took one well-placed whack across the backside of his head from Justin?s weapon to put a stop to it. Later, Justin himself told me he was on ?automatic pilot? when he swung the bat, otherwise he might not have tried knocking the guy?s head ?out of the park.? Kath surmised that it was Justin?s protective instinct going into overdrive, a notion which I scoffed at, initially. But when she argued that even your enemy is your friend if their enemy is attacking you, I got the idea. Besides, she said, Justin had known us for years, and we lived in the same neighborhood, and here a vicious stranger, an outsider, had come to harm one of us. Hard to argue with that logic; but then again, Kath always had the best thought-out arguments, and Justin?s own words would support her theory. I won?t get into all the gory details of my injuries, partly ?cause it?s painful to have to relive any of it, but suffice to say, if the hormones had made it unlikely I?d ever be a father, that night probably made it a certainty. Even having an erection again was pretty doubtful. And it would be quite a while, at least until the heavy bandages were removed, before it would be possible to tell if my sex-change plans had been derailed as well. I mean, obviously I wasn?t going to let this stand in the way of my ambitions ? but the possibility of not being able to fully enjoy my life as a female was terrifying. ***** Who knew there were so many people who cared about Sandy Johnson? It seemed like there was a constant procession of visitors to my room over the eleven days I was in hospital. Mom, of course, was the first face I saw when I woke up. When I found out she?d been at my bedside the whole time I was unconscious, I broke down and cried and cried. After being viciously attacked by someone who seemed to have so much hate for me, I guess the realization that there was also someone who loved me so unconditionally, was just too much to comprehend. Soon Phil and Natalie arrived, and then Kath, and Julia, and Erica, and in no particular order, the girls from work (and even one of the guys), and several of my drama friends too, including Michael. Oh, and even Mark came to visit me ? without Pam, thankfully. But his mom and dad and sister Megan came. And you should have seen all the flowers, and all the cards! You?d think it was my funeral or something. As you might expect, the list included various nurses and doctors. Dr. Cooper paid me a visit too, the same day I was due for my regular appointment with her, and so did Dr. Westerman. But two other visitors I didn?t recognize showed up a day or so after I regained consciousness ? male and female plainclothes officers from the Cincinnati police department. That was a bit amusing ? they knocked and let themselves in while I was looking through a Vogue magazine one of the nurses had brought me, then hastily apologized and exited, only to return a minute later. ?Alexander Johnson?? the man inquired, a very confused look on his face. I think the woman was re-checking the name card outside my door. ?Uh, yes?? I answered, wondering what was up and why they were using my old male name. ?YOU are Alexander?? the woman sort of demanded. She didn?t look convinced. ?Uh-huh,? I nodded. Now I wasn?t sporting makeup anymore, and my hair wasn?t exactly at its best, and my bruised face must have looked appalling, but it was apparent they were having trouble reconciling my name with my appearance. And that kind of made me feel good. I used the remote to tilt the bed a bit more so I was almost sitting up, and realized they?d be able to see the unmistakable mounds of breasts under my hospital gown. They glanced at each other, then the man said, ?I?m Detective Stavros, and this is Detective Wilson. Do you, ah, mind if we ask you a few questions?? ?That would be fine,? I replied in a higher voice than normal for me. Strangely, I was thinking this might be kind of fun, even though they obviously wanted information on the assault and I was still feeling pretty traumatized. The woman spoke next. ?I know this will be difficult for you, Alexander, but it?s a necessary step in the judicial process. You?ve been the victim of a violent crime, and it?s our job to find out everything you know about the incident and the perpetrator.? ?My friends call me Sandy,? I said. ?I?ll tell you whatever I can ? but I don?t remember too much.? ?Okay, well let?s start at the beginning, shall we Sandy?? she said, frowning as she glanced at a sheet of paper. The man opened a notebook and began writing. ?Do you often go out late at night by yourself? Wearing, uh, women?s clothing?? ?Yes I do sometimes, to go jogging,? I replied. ?But I wear women?s clothing all the time, not just at night.? Detective Wilson looked a bit bewildered. ?Can I just understand something, Sandy? It says here that the victim is a white male, five- foot-eight, about twenty years old, and he was wearing a women?s exercise outfit consisting of a pink sports bra, black lycra shorts, pink panties and women?s running shoes. Is all of this correct or do we have an error here?? ?It?s all pretty correct,? I nodded. ?But the male part is kind of, ah, misleading? You see, I?m, uh, in the process of changing my gender ? my sex? So it?s technically true that I?m still a male but it?s not, um, you know, my reality?? I was acutely aware that I was speaking like a typical teenage girl, but I couldn?t help myself. She was nodding slowly as I spoke, and her partner had a surprised look on his face. ?Okay ? very interesting,? she said slowly. ?So that explains a few things, like your female appearance. We thought we had the wrong room at first, because we were sure the patient in this one couldn?t be a male. Is it possible that your attacker made a similar mistake?? ?I suppose it is.? Like, duh, I thought. ?Well Sandy, I never would have guessed you weren?t as female as I am, and I always thought I was a good judge of people. So, uh, now that we have that out of the way, let?s go on.? What followed was a ton of questions, mostly basic stuff like my address, age, occupation, and so forth, and whether I recognized the guy or had ever seen him before on my rounds (no). But they also asked some personal things like how long had I been living as a girl, did I have a boyfriend or girlfriend (I answered no), and what kind of relationship I had with Justin Bradford (I told them the truth, which kind of interested Det. Wilson). Strangely, they asked me why I thought the guy went crazy and started kicking me ? ?in the genitals.? I replied that it should have been obvious. ?Do you mean, he was disappointed you didn?t have a vagina?? Det. Wilson prompted. I just shrugged, thinking ?That?s kind of a dumb question. Then I offered up my own theory. ?It?s more like he was totally bummed to find out I was a guy.? ?I?d be tempted to call that an honest mistake,? commented Det. Stavros. Then he quickly backtracked and added, ?Not that there was anything honest about him ?? He still earned a look of scorn from his partner. ?How many times have you been attacked before?? Det. Wilson inquired, still glaring at Stavros. ?Uh, none, really. This is the first time.? ?You mean no one has ever bothered you about, uh, the way you dress, or the way you speak?? ?Nothing major that I can remember.? ?Not even verbally?? I knew what she was getting at. ?Not really. But I try not to come across as a ? you know, a gay guy? I always try my best to look and act like a real girl.? ?I can imagine you?d be very convincing.? ?That?s what some of my girlfriends tell me. They say I do the girl thing better than they do.? When they were done with their queries I had a couple of my own. First, ?What?s happening with the guy who did this?? ?The suspect has been in a medically-induced coma since the attack,? Detective Stavros replied. ?He?s got a fractured skull and severe bruising on his brain.? ?Serves him right,? I thought. ?Is he gonna go to jail for this?? ?When, or if, he recovers, he?s going to be charged with aggravated assault or battery. If he?s convicted he?ll head to the state prison for quite a number of years. This guy?s got an extensive record, including two past convictions for rape.? I gulped, then nodded and asked my second question: ?What about Justin? Like, he?s not gonna be in trouble for saving me, is he?? The two detectives glanced at each other. ?Well that depends,? Stavros answered. ?If the district attorney feels that he acted reasonably in your defense, then he might not be charged with anything. On the other hand, if they think he used excessive force to stop the attack, he could be charged with assault.? ?But he saved my life!? I protested. ?That?s out of the hands of the police, honey,? Detective Wilson said in a soft voice. I think she used the word ?honey? inadvertently, but I liked it. ?But if he does end up going to court, you?ll be called as a witness for the defense and you?ll be able to speak for him.? ?Oh great,? I thought, ?it?ll be all over the newspapers. Shit! Maybe it already is ?? Detective Stavros jotted some more notes, then stood up. ?Well, I think we?re all done for now, Alexander. Thank you for your cooperation.? ?You?re very welcome,? I said in a high voice again. They must have thought I sounded like a little girl! Detective Wilson was looking at some of my get-well cards. ?Everyone calls you ?Sandra?,? she observed. ?Yeah ? it?s short for Alexandra.? ?I like that name,? she said, taking my hand as if to shake it, but just holding it instead. ?Is there anything we can do for you, honey?? ?No thank you, I?m okay. Oh, maybe you could, like, change my name on your report? And my sex?? She laughed and looked at her partner, who just shrugged and shook his head. ?Not for the police report ? but I?ll see what I can do about what we share with the media. And, uh, I just wanted to tell you how impressed I am with how well you?re handling this. I know how difficult it must be for you. I deal with a lot of young women who?ve been sexually assaulted, and most aren?t able to talk about it ? for a very long time. You?re very strong ? and the information you?ve given us has been very helpful.? ?You?re welcome,? I said again. ?I?m glad I could help.? It sounded to me like Detective Wilson was beginning to see me as more of a female, like her, than a male. Could it be because I went through something only females experience? ?I hope you get well soon, Alexandra.? ?I?ll try my best. Thanks.? ***** The worst thing about being attacked like that was the pervasive, anguished feeling of total violation. I mean, how could someone do something like that to another human being? The visit from the police officers brought it into sharper focus for me ? there were some really bad people who were out to get the gratification they wanted and didn?t mind hurting others in the process. The second-worst thing was the pain. Mostly it was a dull, never- ceasing ache that emanated from my nether region and reached down towards my knees and up to my stomach. I learned not to make any sudden moves, otherwise the pain would become a sharp, shooting kind that made me gasp. I was told it would be unbearable if not for the pain medication I was receiving intravenously, a few drops every hour. Whatever ? Mom told me she has a high pain threshold and never took any drugs when she was in childbirth, so I began to wonder if that?s a trait I inherited. If so, I thought, my injuries must be pretty severe. But I began to really worry about having sex-change surgery ? what if it felt like this afterwards? That would suck SO much ? For the first few days I couldn?t get up and they put a catheter in me to drain my urine. Good thing I was on a liquid diet to keep pooping to a minimum (which also happened lying down ? how undignified, I thought). By the seventh day I was able to get up ? carefully ? and use the toilet, as by then my dressings were smaller and easier to work around. It was still very uncomfortable though. Of course, I?d see my face in the mirror and feel SO depressed about my appearance. My face was improving, but it still had a large area of discoloration. I had Mom bring me my traveling makeup kit one day and from then on I wore some eyeliner and mascara, so at least I wouldn?t feel quite so ugly. ***** Then, in the midst of that whole surreal experience, came some decidedly positive news ? which in some ways turned out to be better for me than it was for the actual recipient. Mom must have spent at least half of every day visiting me in hospital. I was beginning to feel kind of guilty that all that lost work time was costing her a lot of money, and on the third or fourth day I shared my concerns. She seemed to be in a more upbeat mood on that visit. ?Oh, you don?t need to worry about that, dear,? she smiled. ?I don?t think I?ll be short of money from now on.? ?What do you mean you don?t ? oh, you mean, like, your inheritance? Are you finally gonna get it?? She just nodded, and I sensed that she was trying to suppress a big wide grin. ?Wow, Mom, that?s so awesome! So they finally saw the light?? ?Yes, it?s all over ? thank goodness. I don?t know if I could have kept it up much longer. I really don?t like fighting over money.? I was about to remind her for the umpteenth time it was HER money, but decided I didn?t need to go there again. What was the point now, I thought. ?I?m so happy for you, Mom,? I said sincerely. ?Like, with how hard you?ve worked all your life, and losing Dad and all, it?s just so great that you won?t have to starve when you?re older ? I mean, like, Phil and I would never let you starve or anything, but ?? ?I know, dear,? Mom cut in, shaking her head. ?But really, I would have been fine. The business is doing well, and I?ve managed to save some money ... but now I won?t have to keep working till I?m seventy-five. But that?s not what I wanted to talk to you about. Sandra, this money isn?t meant just for me ? it?s for my family.? ?What do you mean?? ?What I mean is, I want you and Philip to have some of it. You kids didn?t have the kind of opportunities you would have if Dad hadn?t died, and I?ve always felt so guilty about that.? ?Oh c?mon Mom, we weren?t so badly off ? you made sure we did okay ?? ?That?s very nice of you, Sandra, but it won?t change how I feel. So I want to do something for each of you.? Mom paused and looked out the window. ?First, I?m going to pay your college expenses. I know you wanted to get a degree, but you?re working to earn money ?? ?For my operation,? I interrupted. ?That was MY choice, Mom. It?s more important to me than college right now.? ?I know, Sandra. But now you won?t have to choose.? ?I won?t?? Mom face took on a very compassionate look. ?Sandra, I know you?ve decided to be a ? to live as a girl, a woman, for the rest of your life. Yesterday you told me this ? this incident ? wouldn?t change your plans. I think you?re a very strong young ? woman. Oh, it still feels strange to call you that. Well anyway, what I want to do is pay for everything. I mean your operation, and everything that goes with it.? I was ecstatic, but completely dumfounded. ?Mom ? I don?t know what to say. Like, that?s so awesome ? but are you sure? It?s such a lot of money ?? She shook her head. ?Honey ? you?re my precious daughter? yes, of course I?m sure. I?ve been thinking of this for a long time, but I?ve been struggling with it ? I had to be certain you were committed to this with all your heart and soul. Now, after what?s happened to you, I KNOW you are.? I guess she really DID know her ?precious daughter? well. But I still couldn?t believe what I was hearing. ?But Mom, you need this money for your retirement ? you shouldn?t be spending it all on your kids.? ?Sandra, there?s more than enough for my retirement. I don?t want to argue about it. It would mean so much to me if I knew you were happy ? so please let me do this, okay honey?? Well, there wasn?t much left for me to say, except ?I wish I could get up and give you a big huge hug.? Mom leaned over my bed and let me put my arms around her. By then tears were streaming down my cheeks. ?I love you so much, Mom. How can I ever thank you?? She was now crying too. ?I just want you to be who you are ? and be happy, and never be hurt again.? ?Oh Mom, you?ve made my day ? I mean my life!? ***** No question ? the assault was definitely the most traumatic experience of my life up to that point, and ever since too. I realize now that it permanently changed how I saw myself and others, in subtle and not-so- subtle ways. For instance, I realized for the first time how vulnerable I was as a girl, and how important it was to be able to protect myself or at least be with someone who could protect me if I was out after dark. It also made me feel a kind of kinship with other women, and a deeper appreciation of the undercurrent of fear all women live their lives with. You could say I took a big step towards an understanding of what it means to be a real woman. But that also means I took that same big step away from the world of men. Sure, I could never have been the kind of man who would inflict pain and suffering on others, but if I?d grown to be a man and encountered a woman out jogging alone in a darkened park, she?d never have known that. All she?d know is there are terrible people waiting out there to harm or kill her for their own twisted form of pleasure, and I could easily be one of them. And that?s basically how my reality changed forever on that one fateful summer?s night. It was really interesting seeing how others reacted to my new reality. Mom, of course, was full of love and compassion and her caring heart went into overdrive for her injured daughter. And she never reminded me of her many warnings about going out alone after dark. Now, Natalie was a lot like Mom, but she DID remind me. And Phil ? like, WOW. It was a good thing my attacker was in a coma, otherwise my brother would?ve wasted no time putting him in a good long one, or worse. It felt really good to see his protective side come out for his little ?sister.? Then there was Kath ? I have to chuckle when I think of her reaction. Anger, for sure, at the perpetrator, and comments about how he should be castrated and get his dick cut off ? but she just matter-of-factly pronounced that I?d recover and get over the whole thing really fast, and I?d be back jogging whenever and wherever I felt like it (with her for companionship, of course). Kind of a chin-up, no time for wallowing in self-pity, what?s done is done kind of speech. Good thing I knew her so well, and was aware she?d gone through that with her pregnancy ? so she knew of what she spoke. Still, I knew her well enough to know she was made of tougher stuff than me. At least I got some real sympathy from Julia. When she saw the condition of my face she was visibly shaken, and she held my hand for her entire two-hour visit. I thought I could sense that to her, our boy-girl relationship was a thing of the past and she was now connecting with me on a girl-girl level as never before. That was SO gratifying! And you can imagine how she felt about the attack ? that I was badly injured by a low-life creep, yes, it was a horrible crime, but to her it was kind of a political or cultural thing ? emblematic of the long history of male violence against women and girls, and a symptom of the imbalance of power between the sexes. Even the fact that Justin Bradford put himself out there to save me didn?t sway her opinion ? she never liked him in the first place, and probably never would, and thought it was totally ridiculous that we girls should need a man to protect us or ?save? us from other men. Whatever, I thought ? at least Julia cared a lot about me and it touched me deeply that she took the time to visit every day. It was during one of her visits that Justin himself knocked on the door and entered my room. My heart nearly jumped out of my throat ? just like the last time I saw him! ?Hi Sandy ? uh, can I come in?? he said, followed by ?Oh, hi Julia.? She just acknowledged him with a nod and said to me, ?I should be going, Sandy. See you tomorrow. Call me if you need anything, okay?? ?Okay ? and thanks so much for coming,? I said, then I turned my attention to Justin. ?Do you, um, want to sit down?? I was feeling quite nervous to be alone for the first time with this dude who caused me and my friends so much grief over the years. At least none of his goony friends came with him. ?Uh ? sure, thanks,? he replied, sounding as nervous as I was. He settled awkwardly into the comfy upholstered chair that Mom had slept in. It was at least six feet from my bed, and I was thankful for the separation. He put one leg on top of the other, the way guys always do, and looked around my room. Neither of us said a word for a very long few seconds, and then we both opened our mouths at the same instant. ?How are you doing?? Justin asked as I was saying ?Thanks for helping me.? He looked uneasy, so I answered his question. ?Um, not too bad now ? I?m starting to heal up? And they?ve got me on some heavy-duty pain meds.? ?Hope you don?t get addicted. I have an aunt who got hooked real bad when she was in the hospital.? ?That would suck.? Wow, I thought ? I?m having a semi-civilized conversation with Justin Bradford. Who?d have guessed it could ever happen? He went quiet again, which was kind of awkward, so I spoke up again. ?But like, it?d still be a lot better than being dead. Um, I just ? you know, wanna thank you so much for ? for coming to my rescue?? There was that little-girl voice coming out of me again. I wondered if Justin still thought I was a ?fag.? He gave a little shrug. ?Well, it?s the least I could do ?? ?After being so mean all these years?? I completed his sentence in my mind and instantly regretted having the thought. ?Well, it was above and beyond the call of duty, if you ask me. And it was very brave of you. Like, that guy had a knife ? you could?ve gotten killed yourself.? Justin smiled. ?Well it was just lucky me an? Gary were on our way back from the batting cage. I had the right tool for the job.? I almost chuckled. ?I?LL say ? like, the guy?s in a coma, did you hear? He might not come out of it.? ?So there?ll be one less pervert out there. I don?t give a shit about him ? let ?im croak for all I care. He asked for it by going after you like he did.? I couldn?t disagree with that sentiment. ?Well I?m just worried that you might be in trouble for what you did. But don?t get me wrong, like I?m really glad you did it ?? ?An? I?m glad I did what I did too. I don?t like assholes like that comin? into our neighborhood and goin? after my friends. If they wanna charge me for helping you, go ahead, bring it on.? Friends? Did I hear him right? ?Uh, well, I just want you to know I?ll be there for you, I mean, I?d go to court and be your witness.? ?Sure, whatever. It?ll never get that far, don?t worry.? But that?s what I always did ? worry about stuff. I?d also been worrying about what Justin might have seen that night. If he caught sight of my genitals, as beat up as they were, so much for Mom and Phil?s great idea to re-cast me as a gender-confused girl during my school years. We?d have to come up with a different strategy. But so far in this conversation, Justin hadn?t let on that he knew anything about that. ?Well I?m just glad you?re on the mend, Sandy,? he continued. ?You?re lookin? a lot better.? Then he fell silent again for a while, and he turned his gaze to the window. Finally he spoke again, and I could tell immediately he was having trouble with his words. ?Um, y?know ? when I saw you running that night, and you went to the other side of the road ? well, it kind of bugged me.? ?It bugged you?? ?Yeah ? I mean, why wouldn?t you just stay over on our side ? and say hi and whatever when you went by? I mean, I know why you didn?t, it?s just that, you know, it made me feel kind of shitty that you didn?t want to have anything to do with me. That?s not right, is it ?? ?No, it isn?t,? I agreed in a soft voice. ?So when I heard you yell, I thought, ?Oh shit ? Sandy?s in trouble!? And when I found you and saw what was goin? on, then maybe it was, like, a chance to make amends, if you know what I mean ?? ?Uh-huh?? This was getting very interesting if no less awkward. ?So I might?ve hit the guy kinda hard ?? ??Cause you were mad at yourself too?? I hoped I wasn?t sticking my neck out. ?Yeah ? you could say that.? ?Whatever ? I?m really thankful you were there for me. I?ll never forget what you did, Justin.? He smiled a bit when I said that. ?Do you, uh, think you can forget how I was before ??? I smiled back at him. ?Consider it forgotten.? If I could have gotten up and hugged him right then and there, I probably would have. So instead I tried to put the hug into words. ?As far as I?m concerned, you?re my hero. And if I cross the road next time, it?ll be to say hi and give you a hug.? Oh my God ? did I really say that? Justin?s face broke into a big smile, and I?m sure I saw his eyes moisten. ?Thanks, Sandy.? The way he said that made me think I?d just lifted a great weight off his shoulders. When he left he was still smiling. And so was I. ***** One day Kath brought her mom. When they entered my room I was filled with dread, thinking I was in for another rant, or at least a major told-you-so. But that never happened ? instead Mrs. Thomas was very nice to me. She called me ?honey? (a first!) and treated me how I liked to be treated ? namely as a girl. It was like eighteen years of being the neighbor boy was erased and I could have been the girl next door for all that time. I even got a kiss on the forehead when they left. Strangely (or ironically?) being sexually assaulted seemed to make other women more accepting of me as one of them. At least that?s how it felt. But as much as I appreciated all the extra attention and visits I got in the hospital, I was happy to finally be discharged so I could do the rest of my recuperating at home. By then I was able to use the stairs ? carefully ? and try to ease back into a semblance of normal life. It would still be another couple of weeks before I could return to work, but with Mom?s generous offer the pressure to earn money wasn?t as intense any more. I know I was missed at the restaurant, though. It was mid-September, about a month after the attack, when I went for my first walk outside the house, on a nice sunny day after Mom had left for work. It felt really strange, knowing the last time I ventured out alone I was targeted and almost killed by a vicious stranger, in my own neighborhood no less. Even though this time it was the middle of the day and I had nothing to worry about, I still found myself glancing all around and furtively inspecting each and every man I saw to try and figure out if they posed a threat. This feeling was new to me, and I hoped it would fade with time. I did mention that to Kath?s Mom ? as I returned to my house she came to her door and invited me in for a cup of herbal tea. Kath was in classes that day, so it was just the two of us, and I?d never been alone with her before. But she was super nice to me, and she wanted to hear all about how I was doing, what was up with my job, and what my plans were going forward. All that was pretty easy stuff, except I kept the operation thing to myself. When I told her how fearful I felt on my walk, she nodded in a knowing way. ?Sandy, that?s something women live with every day of their lives. We all know someone who?s been raped or even murdered, just because they?re female ? and there?s such a fear of it happening to us. I can?t even walk across a parking lot in broad daylight without feeling panicked.? ?Oh, that?s so wrong!? I exclaimed. But now I could totally understand where she was coming from. ?I never would have imagined ?? ?That?s because you were born a male, Sandy. But you aren?t anymore, are you ? and now you?re finding out that being female isn?t all it?s cracked up to be. Oh honey, I didn?t mean to put it that way ?? ?It?s okay, Mrs. Thomas. I get where you?re coming from. I guess I really didn?t have a clue, did I? But I?m sure learning ?? ?Yes, you are. And I?m so sorry you had to learn this way ? and I?m so glad you?re okay.? Me too, I thought. Then another thought came to mind. ?Mrs. Thomas? Is this why you?ve been kind of, you know, so protective of Kath?? She nodded. ?It?s definitely part of it Sandy. When ? oh, I mean if you ever have a daughter of your own, you?ll know why we?ve been so worried about her safety.? ?Yeah ? I guess so.? I found the notion of me having a daughter almost laughable ? but I got her point just the same. Mom and I talked about the whole thing later that evening. To my surprise, she agreed a hundred percent with Mrs. Thomas. And she had tears in her eyes as she confessed to having the same fears for her own ?daughter.? ?It?s one thing I felt good about, having two boys and no girls,? she explained. ?That I?d never have to worry about them being hurt by a man ? just because of who they were ? their sex. Back in the Philippines, girl children are fair game for men and their ? their sexual problems. The worst offenders are family members, like fathers, or uncles, or cousins ? even brothers.? ?That?s so horrible,? I said, hardly believing what Mom was telling me. ?Did you ? I mean, were you ?? Mom looked away and said nothing for a while. ?Yes, it IS horrible.? ***** When I returned to work I got major hugs from all the girls there ? and the guys too. Well, all except for Miles, who just held both my hands for an uncomfortably long time while he told me how much he personally missed me. Yuck! There was always something creepy about that guy, but at least he never acted out on his creepiness. He?d just make little comments about your appearance, and look at you in a certain way. ?At least that bastard didn?t mess up your beautiful face too much,? he said, examining me. See what I mean ? not the classiest thing to say, even though he was mostly correct. My face was almost completely healed by then, and some extra careful makeup application was supposed to hide what wasn?t. Miles obviously noticed the slightest deficiency. And if I thought everything would be like it was before, I was mistaken. I had the sense that everyone was treating me differently. The other girls ? well, I kind of expected it, and appreciated how extra-nice they were. They were SO caring and understanding, and I regularly got asked how I was feeling, and whether I could use any help, and if they could cover for me so I could leave early, and stuff like that. But the customers ? that was unexpected. The attack had made the news, of course, and some of them knew it was me, and they were sympathetic too. But now I was super-sensitive about the stares I regularly got from some of the men ? I could almost feel their eyes drilling into my cleavage, and my ass, and my legs. Sure, they did all that before, but now I felt afraid that any one of them could attack me as soon as I left to go home. So for the first time I found myself avoiding eye contact with male customers, and I began traveling home by taxi after every shift. That?s when I knew my fears were affecting my work, and the way I interacted with people. The effects were showing up in my tip earnings, too. On a break one evening I confided all my concerns to Chelsea, and happily she had some of her homespun wisdom to share with me. ?Oh Sandy, y?all are reacting like any girl would if that happened to her. It must have so awful for you ? I can barely imagine what y?all went through. But y?know honey, there just aren?t that many baddies out there, an? if y?all stay safe you won?t ever have another run-in like that.? ?I sure hope not.? ?Listen honey, I want you to do a little mind game when you come to work from now on. Take a good look around your section, and imagine that all those guys are your best buddies, and any one o? them would die to protect you from the bad apples.? ?Is that what you do, Chelsea?? ?Uh-huh ? it?s one o? the games I play. Y?see honey, you want these fellas to wanna look out for you, to protect your honor.? ?Like I was their daughter, or maybe their sister?? ?Sure, just like that. Then you?ll treat them the right way, and they?ll wanna treat you the right way too. You?ve been pretty good with most o? the boys up till now, but sometimes I wonder if you?re using a bit too much sex to get on their good side.? ?Really? I thought that?s what Miles wants us to do ?? She laughed. ?Oh, I?m sure he does, honey ? but we gotta do what?s best for us girls, doncha think? So don?t feel like you have to show so much boob, and be a bit more careful about flashin? those pretty eyelashes too. ?Specially if they have a wife or girlfriend, or you?ll be worryin? about them hurting you instead!? We both laughed at that one, and we instinctively hugged each other. ?Okay Chelsea, I?ll try my best. But hey ? I didn?t know you were watching me so much!? ?It?s my job, honey, it?s my job. I always watch out for my girls.? That was SO helpful, and SO reassuring ? at least for my job. But it mostly helped with the symptoms, if not the actual problem: I was suffering from something called post-traumatic stress disorder, as my psychologist explained to me a few days later ? and it was getting worse as time passed. Anyway, that was his name for it ? I just knew I was experiencing a lot more anxiety than ever before, kind of like having nonstop panic attacks all day long. And I was having a lot of trouble sleeping too. In one of my recurring nightmares, my attacker would show up at my house to finish the job he started. More than once Mom rushed into my room after I woke with a scream. ***** Dr. Westerman had a frown on his face as he queried me. ?I?m finding this very interesting, Sandra,? he said softly, as though he felt it necessary to go easy on his damaged patient. ?I?ve spoken to quite a few women who?ve been sexually assaulted, and you seem to have reacted in a typical way ? for a woman, I mean. I find that a little surprising.? ?Why should it,? I wondered. After all, wasn?t that who I was now? ?I guess so. But I don?t know how a guy would react.? ?Somewhat differently,? he stated. ?Men wouldn?t normally have these severe bouts of anxiety and the kinds of nightmares you?re experiencing. But what I find even more fascinating is that you seem to be embracing your feminine self even more after this assault. I would have expected you to have regrets, second thoughts about changing your sex. You haven?t reconsidered, even for a moment?? I looked out the window for a while before answering. Then I looked him square in the eyes. ?No, I never have. I really like who I am now, even though I feel like I?m kind of a target for some people out there. I know I?ll probably never have, like, the perfect relationship with a guy, and like, get married and stuff? But that?s okay, I can handle that. As long as I have my friends, that?s all I care about.? Nice speech, I thought, but I wasn?t being completely honest about the second thoughts, and the getting married part was a total lie. In reality, I?d come to realize how important having a man in my life was, not just to love me but to protect me as well, no matter what Julia thought. Dr. Westerman nodded. ?Well, you seem rather decided, Sandra. I?ve been discussing this with Dr. Cooper, and she feels the same way you do ? that the attack hasn?t really affected your convictions about your gender change. She?s still recommending that you proceed.? ?I know. She told me she?s been on the phone with the clinic in Portland, trying to get me in this fall? I mean, she?ll book the surgery as long as you?re okay with the whole thing.? He smiled. ?Yes, I know ? we?ve talked. Well then, you?ll be happy to know that I have no further reservations. You may have thought I was being overly cautious, and you?d be right about that. I know of quite a few transgender patients who have not done well post-surgery. Many of them have huge regrets, and there have been a number of suicides.? ?That?s so awful ? but I can?t imagine ever having any regrets.? ?Sandra, you need to appreciate that every single patient in your situation would say that. And believe it too. But I think I?ve known you long enough ? I have a high level of confidence that this is the right thing for you. In any case, you don?t have a lot of alternatives, do you?? ?What do you mean?? ?Well, could you reverse course and live as a male again?? ?Uh, probably not.? ?Not easily. For one thing, your physical features ? you don?t look very masculine, do you? You have the body of a female now. At the very least you?d need breast reduction surgery. And you?d still have that face to deal with.? That made me smile. ?Are you saying I?m too pretty, Doctor?? Okay, so I was trying to put words in his mouth. He picked up on it and laughed. ?You used that word, not me ... I was thinking ?beautiful?.? He paused to let that one sink in. ?And then there?s your voice ? at this point it won?t get much deeper. So reverting to life as a male would have its challenges. And let?s not forget your injuries, either.? I shrugged and nodded. Good point, I thought. ?Your only other option is to stay the course ? live as a female but remain a male, anatomically speaking.? ?That would totally suck,? I stated with all the conviction I could muster. ?Like, I?d be halfway in-between. Sorry, Dr. Westerman, I?ve been a freak too long already.? He nodded knowingly. ?I understand, Sandra. But that?s a strong word ? a lot of transgenders do live that way, and they?re perfectly content. Still, I know how you feel about it, that you want to live as normal a life as possible ?? ?So I don?t have any alternatives, like you said ?? ?It does seem that way, doesn?t it?? ***** Mom and I were seated the kitchen island, chatting about all that stuff when the phone rang. She answered it, frowned, and then motioned to me as she said, ?Yes, she?s here ? just a moment, please.? She had a concerned look on her face. ?Who is it?? I demanded apprehensively. ?It?s that police woman, the detective,? she replied as she handed it over. ?She asked for Alexander.? ?Hello?? I said out of habit. I?m made sure it was my highest, girliest voice, too. ?Alexan ? I mean, Sandra? Hi, it?s Detective Wilson. Have you, uh, got a moment to talk?? ?Yes ? of course.? ?Good. I ? uh, how are you doing? Are you feeling better?? ?Yes I am, thank you. How are you?? ?Fine, thank you. I, uh, just wanted to let you know, before you heard it in the news. The man who attacked you has passed away.? I stood there stunned for several seconds. ?You mean ? he?s dead?? I think my voice came out sounding like a frog. ?Yes, honey ? that?s right. He never came out of the coma. Are you ? okay?? ?Umm ? I think so. It?s kind of a ? a shock? But it?s an okay shock ? oh my God, are you going to arrest Justin?? She actually chucked when I asked her that. ?No, Sandra. We may have to bring him back in to make another statement, but the District Attorney has already indicated he?s not going to pursue any charges. Between you and me, I think he knows a jury would never convict Justin for saving your life.? ?Oh my God, that?s a relief.? A HUGE relief, I thought, and in more ways than one. What was giving me panic attacks was the possibility that I?d have to go to court and testify ?either for Justin or against the bad guy, it didn?t matter. Either way, the beans would get spilled on the six o?clock news and get splashed all over the newspapers from one end of the country to the other. I?d be SO completely and utterly screwed! All those people who only knew me as Sandra, like the McCowans, the Stevens, and especially Rob Hewitt ? people who would hate me, justifiably too, for lying to them and misleading them. But with one fell swoop, with just one little phone call, it all went away. To be continued ?.