My Wonderful Obsession - Part 47 free porn video

My Wonderful Obsession Part 47: Picking Up the Pieces ... Again! After Rob said his goodbyes, and after his tail lights faded out of sight down the street, I marched, in a kind of daze, straight over to Kath's. Mrs. Thomas answered, and when she saw me her eyes went huge. She immediately ushered me inside. "What's the matter, dear? Is everything okay?" I didn't even think of how I must have appeared, in that white sweater dress, tall black boots and overdone, slightly messed-up makeup framing a pair of red-rimmed eyes. "Not exactly great," I replied, my voice breaking. "My boyfriend just broke up with me. I should've seen it coming. Maybe I did ..." "Oh, I'm so sorry. Does he, uh, know ..." "About me? Yeah ... he does now. Um, is Kath here, Mrs. Thomas? I really need to talk to her." "Oh honey, I'm sorry - Kathleen's gone out with Ben this evening. Celebrating the end of exams, I think." Out this evening ... on a date ... celebrating? Those words felt like a knife to my heart. I just lost it and started sobbing uncontrollably. Mrs. Thomas immediately threw her arms around me and let me rest my chin on her shoulder. Now, normally THAT would feel more than a little bit awkward, but in my state it was exactly what I needed. I'm sure it felt even more awkward for her, though. A scene flashed through my mind, from many years before, of that pint-sized kid from next door falling on his face from their backyard swing, and being comforted by this same lady in the same fashion. Except that little boy was now a grown-up young woman. I did my best to regain my composure and pulled back. "Thanks, Mrs. Thomas ... uh, could you ask Kath to call me when she gets home?" "Of course, dear." I hurried back to my house and picked up the phone, punching in Julia's number. But I hung up after one ring, and dialed Erica instead. I didn't need any told-you-so's! Edward answered, and after a quick hello he handed me off to his wife. Thank God she was home! Twenty minutes later Erica's red Mercedes pulled up in front, and I quickly jumped in. She greeted me with a look of genuine concern on her face. "Oh, you must be hurting so bad," she said as we backed out of the driveway. "Yeah, you could say that. It hasn't been the best day of my life. Oh, Erica, I had such huge hopes for this relationship. Now I've gone and ruined everything ... again." She reached out a hand and put it on mine, giving it a little squeeze. "Shall we go somewhere for a bite, or a drink?" "Uh, I don't think I could eat. Maybe just a tea, or a soda?" We drove to the little caf? she'd first taken me to, which, thankfully, was open till ten. When we got seated Erica asked me to recount my visit with Rob, which I did, not being in the frame of mind to leave anything out. She was such a great listener - just nodding her fascination as I described the great sex we had at the mansion hotel, and her understanding of what I wrote in the letter and Rob's reaction to it, including our final embrace in the park and what he said as he took me home. Re-living all that caused my emotions to go into overdrive again, so Erica handed me a tissue and reached out and took my hand again. "Honey, it must have been incredibly hard to take such a big risk, but you really did the right thing. I don't know what else to say ..." "How about, 'Oh, I'm sure he'll realize what he's gonna miss out on and come right back?' I know, I'm delusional, go ahead and say it." She smiled. "No you're not. Sandra, what I've always loved about you is your positive energy ..." "Well, I'm not feeling much of that right now. More like the opposite. I mean, how am I ever gonna hold onto a guy? Edward's such an exception ... you're SO lucky to have him." "Don't I know it. But you have a few advantages I only wish I had? Like youth, stunning looks, a magnetic personality ..." "Like I told Rob, fat lot of good that is for a girl like me." "Au contraire! Those qualities are what attracted him in the first place. Tell me again, what did he say on the way home? About your body?" "Uh, he said, like, he was blown away that he could have the hots for someone who wasn't a real girl ... and my body was pretty, um ..." "Awesome." "Uh-huh." "No argument there, honey - and what was his physical reaction to your awesome body? Hmm?" "Well, he had, like, a perpetual hard-on?" She covered her mouth to stifle a laugh. Then she told me she'd read about a study done at some university, where they said if a healthy young male is really into you, like sexually, in his subconscious he sees you as the ideal baby machine. And all he wants to do is mate with you! So I said big deal, most guys will mate with anything resembling a female - what does that prove? And Erica replied, "You're missing the point, honey. I said 'ideal?' They discovered there's an ideal face shape, an ideal ratio of waist size to hip size, ideal smile, ideal hair - meaning long and shiny, indicating you're young and healthy and you'll produce strong, healthy babies." Now it was MY turn to laugh. "Oh, that's too funny. Me producing babies ..." "It's simple biology, honey. All that matters is, his brain's telling him to get it on with you, and only you. Why do you think he was ready to propose? Because YOU were the right girl to have his babies." I shook my head. "He never said he wanted kids ... well, I guess he sort of did." "Doesn't matter - it's what his subconscious wanted, not his conscious brain? Anyway, the point is, Rob won't be the last hunky male who wants to romance you. And one of those fellas won't let a little thing like your birth gender get in the way of a lifetime supply of hot sex." That made me giggle out loud. "Hmm. So, like, you're saying you think I have what it takes, like, physically?" "In spades, honey, in spades. You could be the poster girl for that study! And then there's your personality, and how feminine you've become? Sandra, you can't tell me guys don't notice you." "Well, I've been trying not to, you know, acknowledge their stares? I think part of it was being faithful to Rob, but there's what happened last summer, too ..." She nodded solemnly. "You must get whistled at when you walk past that construction site near the office?" "Oh, yeah ... but now I cross the street before I get there, and then cross back a block down." Erica smiled and nodded her understanding. "I hate to admit it, but sometimes I cross the street to get the whistles? But I've never been through what you have." "Yeah, but that's what I got myself into. My friend's mom said she couldn't understand why anyone would want to be a woman, with all the shit you have to go through." "She's not wrong about that ... sometimes it's just the luck of the draw." "I get that. I just hope I can win the prize someday, like you did? But the way I'm feeling right now, I don't want anything to do with boys for a long time. I just wanna hang with my girlfriends. Like you ... you're the only one who can get where I'm coming from? Oh Erica, you have no idea how much your friendship means to me. If you weren't around I would've gone and jumped off a bridge ..." She looked straight into my eyes. I could see a look of caring on her face. "I know you'd never do that, honey. You know how much you have to live for, how much you love being who you are. But I know this has all been so hard, and my heart aches for you ..." "Thanks ... it means a lot to me. I just hope I never have to go through another big breakup. Like, it's happened twice and I'm not even nineteen yet ..." "They say the third time's the charm," she said reassuringly. On the way home I asked Erica if she thought I should tell Annalise. "About Rob? Why wouldn't you?" "Oh, I don't mean that. Of course I'd tell her about Rob ... but that's just what I mean. Like, I can't be honest about why he broke up with me, can I? I'm thinking I should tell her the truth." The car stopped for a red light and Erica looked straight at me. "Honey, you're not obligated to tell anyone your secrets. Not all truth needs to be spoken." "But you said I had to tell Rob. I'm really close to Annalise, too." "Yes, but that was very different? Your secret would have an impact on his life. Not Annalise's." "So how do I figure out who I should be telling and who I shouldn't?" "You just ask yourself, 'How would knowing this information benefit that person?' Or, 'Would that person be harmed by not knowing?' When you look at it that way, it becomes a lot easier, doesn't it?" "Hmm ... I see what you mean. I suppose you had to sort all this out yourself." "More than you know, Sandra," she laughed. "More than you know." ***** Kath must have seen Erica drop me off, 'cause she was over in a jiff. "Are you okay, Sandy?" she queried when I opened the door. She didn't wait for an answer before hugging me. "C'mon in," I said. "I know, I'm a mess. Let's go up to my room." I knew Mom was home and I was relieved to have Kath over so I wouldn't have to explain anything, at least not yet. "Well I see what Mom was talking about. She said she thought you were maybe channeling Julia Roberts, you know, where she's the Hollywood hooker?" "Oh my God, is that what she thought I looked like?" "Take a look in the mirror and you tell me." "I don't need to. For your information, this dress, this makeup, was all for a date with Rob? It didn't exactly go as planned. He, um, broke up with me." I bit my lip to try keeping the tears from flowing. "Oh shit, really?" She closed my bedroom door and sat with me on the bed. "What happened? Did you, like, tell him?" So I re-hashed the details, once again, trying (without success) to hold back tears. To her credit, Kath listened and didn't offer any commentary till the story ended. Then she said it was interesting how Rob said he couldn't believe it, how he made me come out and state it was true. I said how much I wished it wasn't true. Kath thought for a minute and said he might never have fallen in love with me in the first place or been willing to give up the single life for me if it wasn't true. When I asked what she meant by that, she related a conversation she'd had with Ben, which had almost resulted in a major spat between them. Apparently Mark had been talking about me with Ben, and said things like, 'Sandy's every guy's dream girl,' and 'Sandy sure knows how to wrap a guy around her little finger.' Kath had taken offence, why I'm not sure since they were discussing me, but anyway, she'd perceived that my male origins gave me an advantage with men that girls don't normally have. How interesting, I thought, that she came to that conclusion. I told her I thought she was very perceptive. But I was also kind of blown away by what Mark had said about me and it definitely lifted my spirits, if only for a moment. "That drive home must have been tense," she declared. "Well, I thought it would be ... that's why I got out. I was gonna take a bus or a taxi or something? But he was kinda cool about it ..." "Cool?" "Yeah ... I mean, he wasn't a jerk or anything ... like, he said he still thought I was beautiful? And like, he never would have guessed? And that made me feel a bit better ... you know, like he kind of accepted me for who I am, even if he wasn't into having me for his wife?" "So if marriage is out, why wouldn't he still wanna date you, if he thinks you're so hot?" Good question, I thought. "I dunno ... I guess it was a big shock, and he's not in a forgiving mood? And he knows how old I am, so maybe that's a turn-off for him? Anyway, I don't know if I could date him anymore. Like, it wouldn't be the same? Kath, it was SO incredible to have a guy like that eating out of my hand ... thinking I was the real thing? And being treated like the most special girl in the whole world? I got so many compliments ... and he always get such a hard-on when we were close!" Kath's face had a huge smirk. "So maybe he'd still get horny over your sexy bod, but it'd end there ..." I shook my head. "I don't know if he'd even get horny. Maybe he'd just meet me for a burger whenever he was in town, and I wouldn't even get a kiss goodnight. Kath, I don't want that. I only want someone who really wants me ... and loves me and accepts me for who I am outside AND inside." "No different than me," she pointed out. "But like, don't forget you're the babe, and you told me yourself that guys are mostly visual." "Yeah, but for me it'll take a miracle to find a guy who won't be turned off when he finds out he's looking at another guy." ***** Funny, but Kath's reference to 'Pretty Woman' put me in the mood to watch that flick again. I mean, like, immediately? So, as we went for a walk that evening and passed the Blockbuster I detoured inside and rented it. Kath's house had the better setup downstairs, so we retreated back there and plugged it in. I'm sure she thought I was totally unglued, 'cause I went through an entire box of Kleenex that night. Whatever - like I said before, it WAS my all-time favorite movie. But at last I understood why. It's because I identified so strongly with Vivian. Well sure, I was totally in awe of Julia Roberts' beauty, and her poise, and her megawatt smile, and her incredible spunk, and in my dreams I imagined I had all those attributes too. But more than anything it was her sometimes awkward, always endearing, and oh-so- fascinating transformation from a person society looks down on, into the epitome of beauty, class and elegance. I must have watched that movie at least six more times before returning it, I was so totally hooked on the powerful emotions it dredged up. And if the story hit a little too close to home, the music was positively heart-wrenching. From the title track to literally every other song in the film, something in each one made my gut feel like it was being wrung out like a wet dish cloth. But strangely (or maybe masochistically?) I relished the feeling and would back up and play some of them over again. Like the one that's playing when Edward and Vivian come to the conclusion that no, their relationship can never work, for what felt like the same reasons mine and Rob's couldn't, and they part so painfully, supposedly for good. It's called 'It Must Have Been Love (but it's over now),' by Roxette. That song plucked my heartstrings so hard I was sure they'd snap and I'd never have the capacity for love, ever again. But as we all know the story has a happy ending, and Vivian, dressed casually but smartly, with her gorgeous auburn hair let down for max impact, embraces and kisses Edward on the fire escape with the opera music playing full blast and you just know this is real, lasting love. Well of course all this gave me the hope that, like Edward, Rob would come back to me bringing flowers and telling me he can't live without me. Then I'd watch the credits all the way through and hope would fade to despair, and like a drug addict I'd start craving those emotions and plug the movie in again at the very next opportunity. When the rental was up I considered taking it for another week, but managed to say no to myself at the store and just let it fall into the return slot, resigned to my future spinster-hood. After that, a million thoughts kept running through my confused brain - too many of them negative. There were a lot of the same depressing, ashamed, remorseful musings I'd experienced after my falling-out with Mark - like, why did I ever think a freak like me could have real love, and what man in his right mind would want a delusional ex-boy for a wife. I re-played, over and over, the fairy-tale love story I shared with Rob, and the things he'd said to me on the way home that last day - like, how he still had trouble believing I wasn't what appeared to be, which I figured must be his way of rationalizing how a red-blooded male could be so attracted to another male. And, I tried to re-examine my own motivations. Like, was Rob a stand-in for the father I never had? Of course he was, I decided, that was obvious. But maybe I was just desperate to be the 'trophy wife,' like Erica, and have a guy like Rob Hewitt and everything that came with the package - his dashing good looks, his sense of humor, his athleticism, his sense of adventure - all the things I found so damn irresistible about him .. that ANY girl would. And, of course, his money - that little detail that always makes a man more attractive to a girl with limited financial prospects of her own ... right? ***** Moms have this built-in detection system for their daughters' emotional state, so I couldn't keep the details from mine very long. She'd joined me for one of my 'Pretty Woman' sessions, and afterwards we talked till well past midnight. When she asked me if I'd had sex with Rob I didn't see any point fibbing, so I came clean, and even told her about the first time at Keystone. Well, not ALL about it, but enough that she got the drift. She seemed a bit shocked, but she was really understanding, even though she expressed disappointment I didn't wait for marriage to let a man have my body. Funny, but it felt more natural than ever before to be discussing intimate female issues with her. I guess she'd completely accepted me not only as her daughter but also a grown woman by that point in our relationship. And when I phoned Julia to let her know the bad news, she was initially more sympathetic than I expected. But when I let slip about watching that movie over and over, her attitude shifted back to the feminist perspective and I got a big lecture. She told me I'd committed the classic sin of so many young women: imagining I'm Cinderella, toiling in obscurity, abused, unloved and unappreciated, and needing rescuing by some handsome, wealthy prince-like dude. "Isn't that exactly what's going on in that movie?" she probed. "I couldn't watch it all the way through, I was getting so sick to my stomach." So I got a good scolding (probably deserved, I decided much later) for not being stronger and more self-reliant, and she said I needed to get my shit together 'cause I owed it to myself and womanhood in general to not perpetuate all those awful stereotypes that keep women so subservient to men. Whew!!! ***** A couple of weeks after the breakup I found myself becoming less despondent and more philosophical about my relationship with Rob. For that I had my two closest girlfriends, Kath and Erica, to thank for being so supportive and such good listeners, and even Julia, who gave me some much-needed 'tough love.' All of them helped me understand my needs and motivations. For instance, I was probably more in love with the idea of being in love than with Rob specifically. And I had this huge desire to have a guy like him accept me, and love me and want me as a girl, as a desirable young woman. Whatever! My greatest need was to be loved and wanted by a man, a man who could take care of me and give me the security I craved. My Cinderella complex, in Julia's words. I know what you're thinking and yes, I was definitely looking to fill the huge void left when my father died, no question. As bad as that was for me, Erica said it was better than if he'd up and left us, because then I'd be carrying around all this abandonment baggage all my life, and that'd be a whole lot worse for my psyche and my ability to have a healthy relationship with a man. Still, Rob was a rare catch - a keeper, as Erica had described him after their first meeting. A man who's going places, who doesn't make promises he can't keep. Well, except for the one about always being there for me and never letting me down or disappointing me. That was the only promise Rob ever broke, but I couldn't really blame him. It's not as though I was as genuine as he thought I was. I also realized something important about male-female relationships. I'd always thought that advice girls always get - you know, that we should play hard to get - was just silly. I mean, isn't it better to be just plain honest with your feelings? But in my case, Rob obviously took my earlier standoffishness, my hesitance to get involved with him, and my reluctance to 'go all the way' as just what it seemed to be, instead of what it really was: my fear of discovery. And like any normal red-blooded male, it got his 'pursuit' juices flowing. It gave him respect for me and made me all the more desirable and worth the effort. And I certainly loved being pursued! It's said that wisdom comes from doing stupid things and learning from them. That's SO true! I definitely emerged from my love affair with Rob Hewitt a wiser young lady, more in touch with my inner self. I think, because I'm a guy that became a girl, I'm a lot more contemplative than normal girls. Sure, I went and let my heart get carried away like any girl in love, but my head seemed to take over when things went sideways, and that, together with the support of my friends, was what ultimately spared me and let me move on with my life. And that's what I did! ***** With my nineteenth birthday barely a month away, Mom started asking when (if ever) I was planning to get my driver's license. Up to that point in my life it hadn't been a huge deal not being able to drive, and it was one less complication, if you get my meaning. But without a boyfriend to take me places, and my mother and girlfriends always busy doing their own thing, a transit bus was how I got from A to B. Except lately I'd really become aware of all the stares I got from sketchy- looking guys on the bus, and there'd even been a couple of feels when it was standing room only. So I began reconsidering. Besides, everyone I knew had their license by the time they were a year or two younger than me. I guess the main thing that made me hesitate was that I didn't have proper ID to match my new reality. Erica had got her license a long time ago, back when she was still Eric, and she'd just kept renewing it until the last go-round, after she'd done a legal name change (with a little help from her hubby and an official letter from Dr. Cooper). She got a spiffy new license with a nice picture and the lovely letter 'F' beside the word 'SEX.' Happily, Edward and the good doctor were willing to do their magic for me too, and in no time my new official birth certificate was on its way. How incredibly exciting, and another box with a check mark in it! So to make another long story short, the newly official Alexandra Rene Johnson enrolled herself in a driver's course, wrote the exam and, the day before her birthday, passed the road test. Eureka! That called for a big celebration, so I invited my best friends Kath, Julia, Natalie and Annalise to join me for a girls-only party at Milestones (cautioning the first three to NOT say anything incriminating about me!). Finally, my permanent license - the one with the all-important letter 'F' and the photo of a happy-looking dark-haired girl - arrived in the mail a few days later, and Mom let me drive her on a few errands in her little Nissan Sentra. That was a bit nerve-wracking - I didn't want to make a single mistake, or worse, bang up her car in a parking lot - but all went super-well and I was now officially inducted into the sisterhood of lady drivers! And I started looking into the best kinds of cars for single working girls like me. ***** Annalise's influence and Erica's mentoring - maybe even the falling-out with Rob - were having a perceptible effect on me. My mother sure noticed, and so did my sister-in-law. Mom remarked that my new 'career' must be agreeing with me, because I seemed more mature, that my speech and my mannerisms had become more 'ladylike.' And Natalie told me, in a very complimentary and encouraging way, that I was now so thoroughly feminine, I was putting her to shame. "Your brother must think I'm so rough around the edges compared to you," she commented without a trace of envy. Of course, I laughed it off, saying, "Oh yeah - fat chance of that!" It was harder to gauge Julia's reaction when we finally got together a couple of weeks after Rob and I parted. Naturally, she was very supportive and empathetic about it, as only girls who've also lost at love can be. But she did notice I was a different person and said so. Whether she attributed it to the breakup or not, I don't know, but my demeanor seemed to make her reflective. "You're like, so totally girly now," she said with a hint of awe in her voice. "It's kind of weird - like you got fast-tracked to being the ultimate female? I can't even imagine you as a guy now." "Thanks, I'll take that as a compliment," I replied. "But I'm still that same guy down deep inside." "Well I don't know about that, but if I were you I wouldn't worry - you won't be single for long." I laughed off Julia's prediction, but I was secretly thrilled. It seemed I was becoming exactly the person I'd longed to be for years - other than the love part. At the office, though, Julia's comment was proving to have substance. I may have unwittingly made things more complicated for myself! You see, word soon got around that Alexandra was 'single' again - how, I don't know. Maybe I should have expected the rumor mill to start grinding when I took down the 8-by-10 photo of Rob the day after he 'set me free.' And being young, attractive, and now available didn't exactly endear me to the other girls who already had it in for me. Especially Suzanne, one of the paralegals. It was common knowledge that she had the hots for the new summer intern, Stephen Porter, who'd joined the firm a couple weeks after I did, and was easily the best looking single guy in the entire office. Steve had chatted, I mean flirted, with me briefly when he first started, and I found out he was twenty-six, and he'd gone back to school to get his law degree after deciding engineering wasn't going to pay as much. 'Wow,' I remember thinking, 'this guy's sure ambitious. He's gonna be quite the catch!' Of course, even though I found him attractive, at the time I was still Rob's girl and made sure he knew it. Well, moss sure didn't grow on that guy! In no time he was chatting me up whenever he passed by my cube. And even though I tried to come across as uninterested, mainly to avoid starting a war with Suzanne, I guess he was just one of those persistent types. At least that's how Annalise described him. I think she was kind of amused that Steve's attentions were directed toward me and not Suzanne. And of course I was totally flattered that a guy like him would be attracted to me, even considering how recent my love affair with Rob had been. Well, to make yet another long story short, I ended up going on a date with Stephen, against the firm's rules of all things, and it was all a lot of fun until he put his hand up my skirt on the way home. You see, we'd met for drinks after work, and I had a soda but he had a vodka martini, then we shared a bottle of wine over dinner, except I only drank one glass and he downed the rest, so I got hold of his keys and said I'd do the driving, thank you very much. Until the little 'incident' I'd fully intended to bring him into my house and make him some strong coffee and stay put for a while before sending him on his way, but I was so rattled I almost drove off the road and when I pulled up in front of the house I just bailed out of the car, leaving him to drive off in his impaired state. The next day, when I told Annalise what had transpired, she said it was an awful thing Stephen did, but it's a good thing he made it home in one piece without getting pulled over, or he'd have been out of a job real quick and the DUI conviction might have gotten in the way of practicing law. And for some reason I felt terrible, like I'd let Stephen down and put his whole career at risk. Fortunately he didn't seem to remember what happened, and I left it at that but never allowed myself to give in to his advances again. Suzanne is welcome to that guy, I decided! That night I was talking it over with Kath, who like Annalise was horrified at what Stephen did, and she reminded me how I'd said I wanted to experience everything a real woman would go through in life. "How's that working out for you?" she prodded with a hint of sarcasm. Ouch! A few days later Julia and I were hanging out, and when I mentioned the incident and how I felt afterwards, she got extremely upset with me. "You were on the verge of being date-raped!" she exclaimed angrily. "And you're worried about his fucking career? Sandy, give your head a big fucking shake! I would've reported him to the cops AND the boss. Let the asshole go down! Somebody needs to teach him a lesson, and the sooner the better before he goes after any more of us." Well, I never felt Stephen was going to rape me or anything that extreme, I mean after all he was drunk when he did it. Oddly enough, I felt it wasn't as scary as it would've been before my operation, when my worst fear would be him finding something unexpected under my skirt. But I did follow my friend's advice and gave my head a shake. And as much as I didn't care for Suzanne, I found myself worrying that something bad might happen to her if she dated him. And after that, every time I heard or read about a woman who'd been raped or sexually assaulted in some way, where the woman either blamed herself or didn't press charges, I was reminded of Julia's rant and had to agree she was right. ***** Other than that little drama (not to mention the lack of a guy in my life), the summer of 2000 was shaping up to be, well, not so bad after all. It was my first as a 'real' female, and I tried to take full advantage of my new physique by wearing my bikini in the backyard or, even better, at Julia's. Kath and I even went to the local community pool a couple of times, and it felt really different, and a bit strange, but completely liberating to be able to strip down to nothing right out in the open in the women's change room without any of the other naked females batting an eye. It was also ultra-cool to have such total freedom to dress the way I pleased when I was off work. As much as I loved my sundresses, I decided I liked skirts better - so many mix & match options, and skirts are SO fun to wear, especially the ones with brightly-colored, filmy- thin fabrics and lacy detailing. And I discovered flippy skirts! SO pretty! You could wear them with almost anything, but I preferred sleeveless blouses to show off my tanned-looking shoulders and slender arms. And at work, us girls were allowed to indulge our love of sleeveless dresses and tops, and dispense with the pantyhose and close-toed shoes in favor of strappy heels and sandals - but only expensive-looking ones, mind you. And we all joked about spending so much time and money making our feet all nice and pretty, getting pricey pedicures and seeing how loud a shade of nail polish we could get away with. What fun! I was pleased that all the support women in the office got into the act and came to work showing off more skin and prettier colors, even Leah Sandborn. But not the female attorneys - too bad for them, they had to dress like the men in proper business attire! The upside was, none of them froze like the rest of us! I still don't know why, but for some reason office buildings like to run their air conditioning full blast all summer long. At the same time every female office worker only wants to wear pretty sleeveless dresses and skimpy shoes! I never saw so many goosebumps on my body. Poor Annalise - she didn't have an extra ounce of fat on her to ward off the chill. At least my body was a bit more substantial. Whatever - it was pure heaven to exit the revolving door into that deliciously hot, humid air on the street, and we all looked forward eagerly to lunchtime and quitting time! I know what some of you are thinking: Why wouldn't we just wear sweaters in the office? Well, if you have to ask a question like that, you don't understand women much, do you? Now you know how much I loved being a brunette, and playing with different hairstyles and accessories, but that summer I began to seriously contemplate trying out life as a blonde. And why not? It was summertime, and don't they always say blondes have more fun in the sun? Hey, didn't Mark marry a blonde? Actually, I'll admit it was an article in Elle magazine that got me thinking. It said a good way to help get over a love affair gone bad was to change up something about your appearance, to make you feel like a new person. And of course your hair is the easiest thing to change! But I wondered if going blonde might be too much, and whether it would even go with my olive skin tone. So I asked Karen the next time I was in for waxing, and her reaction surprised me. "Oh honey, rules like that aren't for younger girls like you. You can get away with anything at your age. Look at all the girls doing accents now. I've even seen pinks and purples. You might want to rethink your makeup a little, maybe use more bluey tones on your eyes, a little more pink on your cheeks?" Karen pulled a binder off a shelf and opened it. "Here, let's take a look." There were quite a few pictures of blondes of all shades, in the twenty-something age range. Like Karen said, some of the girls had my skin color, while others had pale skin or even freckles. I couldn't say for sure whether blonde hair suited any of them better or less. But they all looked amazing! "It IS a big change, honey," she stated. "Why are you thinking of ..." "Going blonde? I dunno, it's just something I'd like to try." Then I told her about the Elle article. Karen laughed a little and smiled. "Well, why not? You're a full- fledged girl now, and girls get to change their hair color ... like changing boyfriends, right?" "I wish changing boyfriends was THAT easy," I snickered. "Should be for you. You're pretty easy on the eyes, and you've got the figure - I've seen it, all of it." I laughed. "That's very nice of you, but what if all I attract is the wrong kind of guy?" Then I told her about my date with Stephen Porter. "Oh honey, that's terrible. But all men aren't like that. And he WAS drinking ..." "Doesn't matter if he was sloshed or not. Don't they say your true nature comes out when you're drunk? I'm not looking forward to getting a whole bunch of guys smashed just to find out which one's still nice to me." Karen nodded. "Yes, it CAN be a problem when you're as hot looking as you are. I don't know much about that myself ..." "Oh please, Karen," I laughed, "you're beautiful. And from what you've told me, you've never had any trouble attracting guys." ***** That year I was still seeing Dr. Cooper every month or so. She would talk with me for a few minutes, asking if I'd been taking my hormone supplements as directed, if I had any concerns with my body, my operation or my general health, and then she'd check my weight and measurements and record them in my file. These appointments had become routine, but this time she had a small concern. "Sandra, your weight has been going up this year," she said. "Roughly a pound a month. Have you not noticed?" "Uh, I guess I have ... like, my work clothes ARE fitting a little tighter. And when I was shopping last week I noticed I'm up, maybe one size?" Dr. Cooper nodded. She'd touched a nerve. Yes, I knew I was gaining weight, but didn't know why, other than telling myself it was all part of getting older, or maybe because of my new sex - after all, it was most obvious in my bustline and hips, which to me wasn't a total negative. She confirmed that last observation and said it was nothing to get overly concerned about, unless the trend continued. "Just watch your diet, and make sure you're getting lots of exercise. Do you drink a lot of sodas?" "Not really ..." "Well try to avoid sweets, especially baked goods. Ice cream too. Those are the worst culprits." "Okay, I will." "Good. You're nineteen, and you're no longer in your growth phase, so you don't need as many calories." When I left Dr. Cooper's office I felt confused and not a little bit worried about my weight. Yes, I'd realized months earlier that I was getting heavier, and it kind of terrified me. In response I'd cut way down on fats in my diet - no more butter, no more burgers, and only low-fat milk and salad dressing. And I'd look for low-fat or fat-free food items in the grocery store, like rice and pasta. But the pounds kept going on. ***** A week or so later it was back to Turning Heads- for my big hair appointment! Yes, I was really going to do it! Karen had instructed me not to wash my hair for two days beforehand, which felt like forever to me, so I was almost as eager to have clean hair as colored hair! We chatted about the usual stuff - friends, family, vacation, work, and of course men, while she set my curlers and lathered on the thick, foul-smelling liquid. "Karen, do you think I'm getting fat?" I blurted without thinking. "Why, do YOU think you are?" "Well, not really fat ... but I will be if I don't stop gaining weight." "Hmm ... I thought your body was a bit, um, fuller than before, but I didn't want to say anything. I think it makes you look even more amazing, Sandra." "That's nice of you to say, but still ... like, I started putting on weight after my operation? About a pound a month. I'm walking a lot and not eating any fatty foods, but I keep gaining." "And you're worried about it, I can tell." "VERY worried. I don't wanna look like the Goodyear Blimp." She chuckled. "I don't think you have THAT to worry about, honey. So, if you're not eating fats, what ARE you eating?" "Oh, you know, salads, soups, pasta. Stuff like that ..." "Do you eat sugar?" "I guess so. I have coffee a lot at work - but I only use one packet. I do like my desserts though." "How about bread? Crackers?" "Uh-huh. But I don't put butter on them, just low-fat margarine. I hardly have any fat. I don't get why I'm not losing weight." "I'll tell you why. It's the pasta, the bread, anything made with flour. And the sugar. My sister found that out the hard way. She loved baking. And eating what she baked. She got up to two hundred, and now she has type-one diabetes." "Diabetes! Wow - it'd suck bad enough to gain all that weight, but to get diabetes ..." "That's exactly how I felt. I was on the same path as her, but I just cut out those things and I lost twenty pounds. And I still eat butter and have cream in my coffee." "Seriously? Wow ... so you think if I stopped eating, like, bread, and pasta, and cut out the sugar ..." "You'd lose weight? I can almost guarantee it. But maybe you'd want to stay where you're at, honey. You've got that classic hourglass figure now ... and your boobs! I've never seen them so big. I'm jealous." That lightened the mood and made me giggle. Maybe she was right - I loved having a decent-sized bust. It reminded me that I needed to go bra shopping again! Fun! And I'd be going as a newly-minted blonde. Even MORE fun! After washing out the coloring, Karen set to work drying, clipping and styling my hair. Just trust me, she'd said, and that's what I did. She seemed to be having fun! Then she did some quick makeup touches on my face, finishing with a deep red lipstick. Soon it was time for the big 'reveal' - she swung the chair around to face the mirror ... and I nearly died! My hair was ... so fair, so light ... so different. And so BLONDE! It fell in these awesome waves down past my shoulders, and framed my face with the prettiest curls. And with her expert makeup I looked just like a movie star. "What do you think?" she asked. "Uh, I'm kind of speechless," I answered. "It's ... gorgeous!" "I think you're going to have a lot of fun with that hair," Karen said proudly. The way I looked, I'd be the last girl on earth to disagree. ***** Everyone soon got over the shock of seeing the new Sandra Johnson ... too bad! I was totally reveling in the compliments. Elle was spot-on - the change made me feel like a new girl! Even Mrs. Thomas had praise for my new look - sort of. She said "You're only young once, so you may as well enjoy it." It didn't sound like she was too crazy about where she was at in life, but oh well. Sometimes I got the impression she was jealous of me, or maybe she felt I wasn't suffering enough as a female. Whatever! But I'm not complaining, 'cause she invited me to join them to see 'Les Miserables,' the latest Broadway musical to come to town. "Let's call it your birthday present," she said. Now I didn't know anything about that show, except for the image of a poor wretched little girl on the posters. So I wouldn't have gone unless someone invited me - it looked way too miserable, like the title says. But wow, was I in for a treat. The music was SO unbelievable, and the story was SO emotional. Kath told me later her dad remarked that I really must be a girl, I cry so much at a show. But it just hit home for me. I totally related to Eponine, the Paris street girl who's desperately (and vainly) in love with a dashing young student who is smitten with a beautiful girl of his own class. Her song 'On My Own' made me cry buckets! And it was even worse when she died in his arms. I'm sure Kath's folks thought their daughter's best friend was off her rocker. I guess it was kind of like 'Pretty Woman' - all those emotions bubbling just below the surface, and all I needed was a good story and great music and I was totally done for. ***** There were a couple more anniversaries to be marked that year. One was not at all pleasant: the August day a year earlier when I was viciously attacked; and the other, a much happier one, the October date of my big turning point, the operation that forever changed my life. Both were times for reflection. Oh, I thought over and over, how far I've come since that first bout of acne started me down this crazy path. ***** Thanksgiving is rightfully known as the official kick-off to the holiday season - the date when all the TV commercials start telling us what to buy and everyone starts thinking about their Christmas lists. I was no exception that year - my list had lots of names on it, but Edward and my brother Phil were the only males. How strange it felt to not have a boyfriend to buy for, or even to send a card to. I found myself thinking about Mark a lot, wondering how life as a married man and father was treating him - or rather how he was coping! Such a lot of responsibilities! By contrast, I had virtually none. Looking back, I should've been thankful for the freedom to come and go as I pleased, and spend the money I earned on nobody but myself, but you know me! I always felt like I deserved more from life. Things weren't all that bad, though. At least my weight had stabilized at about eight or ten pounds more than I weighed a year earlier, I think by following Karen's advice and cutting down on my carbs. And by December that year, Annalise and I had become fast friends. I just loved spending time with her. She'd always have something nice to say, like how she loved how my skirt went with my blouse, or that my nails were so pretty, or how well my new hair style and color suited me. She even complimented me on how I treated our clients, saying I had to be the friendliest girl she'd ever met. And like I said before, she had all those delightfully female traits, and when I was with her I could just let myself go and be as feminine as I wanted (unlike being with Kath who seemed uncomfortable if I was 'overdressed,' or Julia, who said I was reinforcing stereotypes if I acted too 'femmy'). Like me, Annalise loved getting all dolled up to get together for dining or shopping, or just plain hanging out. It was SO cool to have a girlfriend who was into clothes and girly stuff as much as I was. So it happened that the two of us spent a whole Saturday trolling the mall and the big department stores, Annalise in a black pencil skirt, trendy low-heeled black boots and pale blue long-sleeve top, and me sporting that figure-hugging white sweater dress bought in Vail, paired with my calf-height black leather boots with the 3-inch heels. Of course, not being at work, our hair, makeup and jewelry were a more over-the-top than usual. We were busily crossing names off our respective lists as we helped each other make our purchase decisions. Well, you can imagine how surprised I was to bump into none other than Mr. Mark McCowan himself, who was aimlessly pushing his twins along in their tandem stroller. I don't think he recognized me at first, and I noticed his eyes darting back and forth between me and my girlfriend. "Hi Mark, how are you?" I greeted him, somewhat in shock and surprise. "Uh, this is my friend from work, Annalise." Then he clued in. "Oh, Sandy! Hi ... I didn't ... uh, hi Annalise - nice to meet you." He smiled and shook her hand, then his eyes went back to me and lingered momentarily on my face before scanning my body down to my boots. "You look great ... your hair's long again - and you colored it. Very nice." His compliment made me feel pleased and uncomfortable at the same time, so for a diversion I squatted to check out the twins close-up. Annalise followed suit. "They're SO cute!" I gushed in what must have sounded to Mark like a super-high voice. "Hi Emma ... hi Ethan. Aren't you the sweetest?" I gave them my biggest smile - and they smiled back! "Oh my, you're both looking so much bigger now ..." Little Emma seemed mesmerized by Annalise's bright pink fingernail and reached out to grab hold of it with her tiny perfect hand. And little Ethan was beaming at me as I made faces with him. "Aren't they the most beautiful babies?" I prompted. "Oh yes, they are," she eagerly agreed. "How old are they?" "Almost eleven months," I answered before Mark could. "You're going to be one whole year old really soon!" I said to them in my highest childlike voice. "How exciting!" "And it's their first Christmas!" Annalise chimed in. "Are they walking yet?" "Not yet," Mark replied. "They can stand though." At that suggestion I stood and met Mark's stare again. Then I glanced around. "Is Pam with you?" I asked, hoping the answer was no. "Yes, uh, she's in Toys R Us. I decided the kids needed a stroll. So did I, if you wanna know the truth ..." "Never were much of a shopper, were you?" I kidded, giving him a nice smile. "Guilty as charged," he smiled back, making my heart melt a little. "Um, so how are you doing? I haven't seen you ..." "In a long time. I have a new job ..." "Since the spring, I heard. How's it going?" "We love it there, don't we?" I replied, glancing at Annalise. She caught my eye and smiled and nodded. "Working at the restaurant was great, but ..." "You wanted something where you could use more of your talents," he said, finishing my sentence again. "And your people skills." Annalise was standing again too. "Oh, Alexandra is SO good with our clients," she said too helpfully. "We all love her." I was about to correct her and say not everyone, but Mark spoke first. "I know the feeling," he said softly, looking straight at me. Now THAT hit me like a bombshell and I felt my face turn red. Of course, just then Pam appeared, dressed in jeans and sweatshirt and toting a shopping bag full of store-wrapped packages, and my mind momentarily forgot the effect of Mark's comment. 'Can't even wrap her own gifts,' I thought with a smirk. "Hi Pam, how are you?" I managed to say, forgetting to introduce my friend. "Fine," she replied coldly before proceeding to ignore us and check on her babies instead. 'How could they be so sweet with a mom like that,' I wondered. "Um, we should be going," I said to Mark. "We both have lots more to do. It was SO nice to see you - and the twins." "Yes, it was so nice to meet you," said Annalise. Mark replied in kind. "Have a great Christmas!" I said, returning Mark's longing stare. "And please say hi to your folks and Megan for me." 'Oh my God,' I thought, 'I DO miss that guy ... and he deserves so much better than that bitch.' When we were safely out of earshot, Annalise said it was obvious Mark still carried a big torch for me. She could see it in his eyes, and the tender way he complimented me. I confided that the feeling was entirely mutual, and then we talked about my relationship with him and his family, and how he went back to Pam after we broke up, and how she went and got herself pregnant. I could feel my anger rising all over again. "But they ARE such beautiful kids, aren't they?" I mused, partly to calm myself down and partly to brighten the subject a little. "Yes, they are SO cute." Then my friend asked me if I ever wished it'd been ME who Mark had gotten pregnant. What an interesting question! "Hmm ... yes, but only if I could've had those same twins!" "I would have too!" We both laughed out loud and headed toward the next store on our list. Annalise was SO understanding and supportive, even if she didn't know all the gory details, and I secretly thanked God for giving me a wonderful friend like her. If she hadn't been there for me I think I'd have made for the nearest ladies room and had a good long cry. ***** But after that chance meeting there was no putting Mark out of my mind. He really was, I concluded, the ideal guy for me. He came from a good solid family I got along with really well, he was super-nice and caring, he was good-looking, he had a good job and a bright future ... and he knew all about me and still loved me for exactly who I was. Yes, he admitted to having some gay tendencies, but don't all of us have some of those? Anyway he got a girl pregnant and married her, and I had to assume he was having regular sex with her, so how gay could he be, anyhow? Somewhat gay, I guess, since that's the only way you could describe the sex we had. Even if I WAS dressing as a girl the whole time. But that's what made him my ideal mate, right? I mean, he had the hots for me even though he knew there was a boy hiding under those female clothes. And he definitely liked my feminine characteristics, like my soft skin and my curves and my voice, and he loved seeing me all dressed up with makeup and everything. I was obsessing about Mark so much that I finally confided my feelings to Kath. "I think about him all the time," I said. "Like, has Ben ever told you anything about how he's doing? Like, how are they getting along? When I saw him in the mall he seemed kind of ..." "Kind of unhappy? Yeah, you could say that. But I'm not supposed to blab ..." "C'mon Kath! I need to know! Why's he unhappy?" "Okay, but you better keep this to yourself. Don't EVER say I told you a single thing." "I won't, I promise. Just tell me." She spoke in kind of a whisper, even though no one else was around. "Well, Ben says they're not getting along too well. He thinks Pam's not the nicest person." "That's no secret. Like, she's a total bitch!" "Yeah, he called her that too. She doesn't like his family, so she pouts whenever they visit, and they don't end up staying long, that kind of thing. Of course if it's HER folks, no problem." "Doesn't like his family? What's wrong with her?" "Lots. She isn't into housework either. She told him they had to have a maid in once a week." "That sounds like her. Does she at least cook?" "Not much. When Mark gets home from work he usually has to fix dinner, 'cause Pam's too exhausted from looking after the kids, supposedly." "What a princess she is. So it doesn't matter if he's all worn out from work ..." "She's not too tired to go out with her girlfriends." "She what? Are you serious?" "Yep. But remember, I didn't tell you." "I can't believe it. No wonder he's miserable. That bitch is totally taking advantage of him." "'Cause he has to fix dinner while she gets a break from being a stay- at-home Mom? Julia wouldn't see much wrong with that, Sandy ..." "Well Julia doesn't have a clue about Mark, and I do. He deserves way better than that!" "So what are you gonna do? Steal him back from her and give him what he deserves? I'd love to see how THAT goes." "I wish I could, believe me. Kind of hard to do with kids though ..." "Kind of impossible, if you ask me. But Sandy, don't you think Mark like totally got himself into this?" "You mean, like he made his bed and now he gets to sleep in it? I used to think that - a bit. Except I feel like I pushed him away, and he ended up back with her, and then ..." "Then she's knocked up all of a sudden? Well I know how that works, except I never got knocked up on purpose, like to trap Ben or anything. Sandy, it's not your fault Pam's got a devious streak." "Yeah, but I should have known ..." "Known what? That she was gonna do that? Stop blaming yourself, it was the two of them, together - not you." Tears began spilling out of my eyes again. I felt just like Eponine! On my own! I dabbed at my eyes with my fingers. "I'm sorry, Kath - you're right, I just can't seem to let this whole thing go ..." "Maybe you just need more time. Maybe you need to get out dating again. NOT like that Stephen guy though." I managed a little laugh. "No, not like him. I need to find a new Mark, that's all." But inside I knew that would never happen, and I laughed again at the futility of it all. To be continued ....