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A Ballet Tale Belladonna Marie Taglioni paced around her kitchen as she assessed her situation. Marie was the ballet mistress in chief at her hometown city's ballet company. She had only been hired a year earlier and was in precarious situation because of her judgment. The company was on tour across the country for a few months before its new season was to begin at home. The company was not as large as the more prestigious ones in the big cities, but it was a feather in the cap of the local patrons of the arts. Opening night was always packed and the pressure was on Marie to deliver a flawless production. Marie was certain that she would until that morning. Then Marie got a call a little before six that stirred her from her sleep. One of the dancers in the corps de ballet called to tell her that she had been injured in a late night car crash. Marie was furious that the girl had broken the curfew that she had set for her dancers. It was only made worse by the fact that she had no replacement on hand. Marie had been shortsighted enough to not have an extra girl for the performance. Marie cursed herself for letting half of the company continue on tour for one last show. The tour was supposed to stop the week before, but she let some community talk her into giving a few shows while the other half of the company prepared and performed the opening show of the season. Marie had promised the worried board of directors that the absence of the other half of the company would not pose an issue since they were due back on the day of the second performance of the season. Marie desperately needed to find a solution. She knew that she could not get any of her dancers back in time as they were three states over and the company lacked the money to fly one back for the show. She was also aware that there was no money in the tight budget for a replacement dancer. Marie's mind wandered towards her most desperate option. She could join the corps and dance alongside them. She frowned at the thought. It would be difficult for her and embarrassing. She knew that no amount of makeup could hide her advanced years, and her 55 year old face would stick out like a sore thumb amidst the young women who made up the corps de ballet. Marie was also wary about whether her body could withstand the performance. Marie was a dancer for the New York City Ballet in her youth. She had attained a principal dancer position before she broke her ankle in a car crash at the age of 35. The injury prevented her from being able to dance at a high level for long periods of time. Consequently, her dancing career was over. With her career over, Marie and her husband decided there was no reason to defer having kids any longer. Marie met her husband shortly after he became a danseur with the New York City Ballet. Their shared careers and passion for it brought them together. He assured Marie that he wanted to have a family waiting for him more than anything. With that assurance in mind, Marie gave birth to a daughter named Emma before her son Philip was born two years later. Marie spent the first six years after her career ended in New York City teaching ballet at local studios to classes of her aspiring prot?g?s until her husband suddenly left her and the kids. He cut off contact with them for months. Despondent, Marie uprooted her children and moved back to the city of her birth to take a job as a choreographer and a ballet mistress at the city's ballet company before she was named ballet mistress in chief upon her predecessor's passing. Marie's mind drifted back to when she was a choreographer and did not have this kind of stress, but the reality of her situation pushed those reminiscences out of her mind. She began to think about possibly letting the performance go on with one less ballerina. However, she knew the visuals of the ballet called for an exact number in the corps de ballet. She always noticed when it was danced with fewer numbers in the corps and knew that an odd number would defeat the symmetry of dancers the performance seemed to require. Marie leaned on the kitchen table as she heard her 17 year old son coming down the stairs for breakfast. She looked at the demoralized look that seemed to be his only expression the past two weeks. Philip was still reeling from his girlfriend's decision to breakup with him. He longed for her and tried to win her back the night before. However, she rejected his overtures and sent him back into despondency. Philip grabbed a bowl out of the cupboard and grumbled to his mother about what happened. Marie watched her son place the bowl down hard upon the counter as he thought about finding another way to win her back if it took everything he had. She smirked at the boy as she considered an option she had not thought of before. Marie started training Philip in ballet shortly after he started to walk just like she did with his sister. It was all part of her master plan to have her children reach the heights she failed to reach. She figured that with two dancers for parents, the children would be naturally talented as well. Emma was to be the prima ballerina that Marie had failed to become. Marie never progressed beyond a principal. She was great at her craft, but she was not among the elite who get that special distinction. She was determined to make sure that Emma made it into that class like her idol Nataliya Makarova. However, she knew it was not to be. Emma showed talent and worked hard to perfect her technique, but Marie realized by the time Emma was 15 that the girl would never be a prima ballerina. Emma was good enough to make the corps de ballet at an elite company in London with her father's assistance, but Marie doubted that Emma would ever even be promoted to a principal dancer or even a soloist. Marie had her own plans for Philip as well. Marie endeavored to train Philip to be the next Baryshnikov. From an early age, he showed more promise than his sister. Marie was certain that he would be a lead danseur at one of the finest ballet companies in the world, but it was not to be. Like her plans for Emma, Marie's plans for Philip fell apart. Philip had been teased about his dancing since he started grade school. He felt his talent was a curse when he started pointe training with his mother. Though pointe dancing was primarily done by ballerinas, it was training that some male danseurs received as well for the few male roles that called for it. It was training that humiliated him more than his earlier training because of the girls who surrounded him. One of them was a classmate of his, and she let it slip that Philip danced on his toes like a ballerina. The usual abuse Philip took looked good to him after that. Philip became an outcast and had to fight off rumors that he was gay. Philip had never once been attracted to a man, but everyone at school seemed to believe he was. Finally, at the age of 15, he could no longer take it. He quit ballet to the shock and dismay of his mother. She tried to talk him out of it, but Philip stated that he was done with it because it was, "sissy stuff." Marie was beside herself for days as she realized that she was not going to be living her dreams through either one of her children. It took her some time, but she eventually realized how foolish she had been to try. She came to view her children as having their own mission in life that she was privileged to see as long as she was around. Quitting ballet was only step one for Philip in rehabilitating his image. He tried everything to shake his image as the school sissy. He asked out numerous girls until one desperate girl said yes to a date to a school dance. It was with her that Philip proved his manhood. To his delight, Philip found that the girl was as loquacious as she was promiscuous. She spread it around in a hurry that Philip was not gay. Philip also took towards trying to add bulk to his lean body. He was embarrassed by his waiflike 5'9" body. However, Philip obsession with bedding girls to show he was straight cut into his workout time. Thus, Philip was not able to put on the muscle he desperately wanted. Marie looked at her thin young son and sized him up. 'He would do nicely,' Marie thought to herself as he took out a spoon. Marie smiled at her son and said, "Philip, can you do me a favor?" Philip sighed and answered, "Sure." "Good, I need you to fill in for a ballerina for our opening performance." Philip head jerked towards his mother and said, "Could you repeat that?" "I need you to fill in for a ballerina tonight. One of my girls got injured in a car crash last night. Don't worry about the role. It's Peter Wright's version of Swan Lake. She was in the corps, but she wasn't in the pas de quatre. It's all just steps I taught you when you helped me train your sister. You remember them don't you? Heck, I can't remember you ever forgetting a dance step no matter how long ago you learned it. Trust me; this role is beneath your talents, even if you're rusty." Philip knew she was right. Philip passion for dancing had never left him. He had managed to practice on his own in secrecy on a regular basis. He had practiced the very steps she was referring to as well as many others. Despite knowing he should leave it behind, his heart yearned for him to indulge his passion. Still, Philip shook his head in silence as he thought about the shame that was attached to what he desired. Then he answered, "I can't do that, mom. I'll look like a fruit. It's too much to ask, mom, and you know it. You can't be mad at me for not doing this." "I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed." The words were like a dagger to Philip' heart. Still, he knew he could not risk being seen dressed up like a ballerina. Being a danseur got him enough ridicule growing up. He had only been able to shake the rumors that he was gay a year before. The stigma attached to being a danseur had followed Philip for too long for him to go to back to ballet as a ballerina, even if it would be in the background. Philip looked at his mother and said, "I'm sorry, I can't help you, mom." He then turned and walked towards the cabinet to take out a cereal box." "Yes, that's right, turn your back on me and walk away. Just like your father did. I've sacrificed a lot for you, but your ego is more important than that right?" Philip froze as his mother compared him with his father. Philip hated his father for what he had done. The man's attempts to reconcile with Philip were always rebuffed. Philip felt he could never forgive him for leaving his mother for another woman. Philip knew the story. He heard it from his father's mouth. Six years after his mother stopped touring with him and the company, Philip' father fell for another dancer. She was ten years younger than his mother, and Philip admittedly found her beautiful. Still, the heartache it caused his mother was something Philip never got over. He was certain he would disdain his father until the day he died. Philip was happy that he rarely saw his father after the divorce. He made a little effort to see Philip and his sister when he was not on tour, but that amounted to only a few times a year. As happy as Philip was with the scant times he had to see him, he knew it tore up his older sister. Philip had often comforted her as she cried from the pain caused by her father's desertion. Philip recollection of her pain also drove him to dismiss his father's attempts at reconciliation after his retirement even as his sister reconciled with the man that abandoned her. Philip knew that he was nothing like his father and wanted to make sure his mother did to. He shouted, "I'm nothing like him. You're asking me to do something that's humiliating. I can't pass myself off as a girl. Even if I could, do you really think a teenage guy should being doing that? Don't you think it might scar me?" Marie answered her son, "If you're secure in your masculinity, then I'm sure it won't scar you. You'll be fine." Philip glared at his mother for questioning his masculinity. He recognized that she seemed to know every button to push with him. He countered, "I'm secure in it. Very secure, actually. I would do it, but there's no point to doing it. There's no reason to make a fool of myself like that. You don't really need me. Do you?" Marie shook her head and answered, "Of course I need you. We can't afford a replacement, and we can't bring one of our girls back in time. I need you. The ballet can't be done without the part you'd play. The whole corps would look wrong. I've pointed it out to you before. Or have you forgotten the importance of symmetry?" Philip remembered what his mother was talking about, but he still adamantly did not want to do it. He answered, "I remember it, but it's not critical. It won't sink the performance. Hell, you can just drop one girl to make it an even number." "You're right, but it may sink me." "What do you mean?" "I've only been in charge for a year. Think about it. I let half my company perform in another state while our season's was opening. It's my fault that the corps is going to look wrong. Our patrons will know that. The board will know it. They'll hold me accountable, dear. They still think I'm still a novice at this. There's enormous pressure on me to deliver a flawless show after what happened last winter's opening night." Philip cringed as he thought back to that show where the dancers seemed a bit under prepared for the performance. His mother was eviscerated by the local arts critics in the newspapers and by the board of directors. She was fortunate to get a second chance. She had delivered ever since, but he knew her decision to leave half the company in another state would be scrutinized because of her first mistake. Philip knew his mother's job might be on the line. He did not want her to lose her job since it was the only income coming into the house. Philip felt that homelessness might be more embarrassing than dressing like a girl. With the coercive force of economic need pushing him in his head, Philip sighed and said, "What exactly would I have to do?" "You'd just be dancing in the corps. You'd be in the background. No one will even notice. The steps aren't hard. You know that. You'll remember and master them in no time. Don't worry." Philip closed his eyes and said in a low voice, "I'll do it for you." Marie threw her arms around her son and thanked him. She then told him to eat breakfast and hit the shower. Philip knew what he had to do. It went without saying that her instructions meant for him to shave his legs and under arms. Philip went up the stairs and headed into the shower. He turned on the water and stepped into it. Philip lathered up his right leg with his mother's floral scented shaving cream after he put his foot on the side of the tub. As he ran the razor blade across his skin, Philip wondered if he was insane for agreeing to help his mother. Still, Philip did not think that he had much of a choice, and he felt he owed it to her anyway. Philip had always been close with his mother. His father's general absence just brought them closer together. Unlike most of his friends, Philip actually appreciated his mother. He always admired her for raising him and Emma on her own and felt indebted to her for doing right by them as their father failed too. Philip pulled the razor off of his leg and saw the mess of hair that was left amidst the foam on the blade. He cringed at the sight and washed the razor in the water before he continued to remove every hair from his leg. Satisfied that it was smooth, Philip switched legs. As he lathered up his left leg, he felt relieved that it was winter time. No one would see his legs because his school had canceled gym class for upperclassmen in a budget cutting maneuver after the school budget failed to pass. Philip smiled for a second as he realized that it was actually good that his ex- girlfriend had broken up with him. He figured she would have left him for sure if he saw that he had shaved his legs. Philip thought that he still had a chance with her, but he would give her some time to realize he was the right one for her as he let his body hair grow back. Philip only had a little hair on his chest. That was removed after he finished his legs. Having no hair on his arms, Philip moved on to his armpits. While Philip shaved away the last of the body hair that helped to signal his masculinity, he figured that it would not be an all bad day. Philip looked forward to being around girls dressed in skin tight clothing, even if he would be dressed similarly. The girls were the one thing he missed when he quit ballet. He liked talking with them, looking at them, smelling them and feeling them. He figured it would be nice to revisit that for a bit, but he knew it would not be the same. He knew the dancers would all be older than him and not the girls that he awed as a young danseur. Philip realized that the handicaps of being younger and dressed as a ballerina pretty much made any hopes of a romantic relationship emerging that day doomed to failure. However, Philip was happy enough to just get out of school for a day. Before he stepped out of the shower and toweled himself off, Philip finished removing all of his body hair beyond his pubic region. Philip then checked his face in the mirror as he stood before it wearing only a towel. He laughed to himself as he checked for a beard, knowing full well that facial hair was never present on his face. It was one of things that Philip knew would help him pull off the task he was doing for his mother. After that, Philip went to his room and dressed in a pair of pants and a tee-shirt. After conforming that his mother called him in sick to school, Philip followed her out to her car. She drove him towards the theatre where the performance and practice would take place. Philip walked into the building feeling uneasy about what he was doing. He knew that he had to help his mother out, but that did little to make him feel better about actually doing it. A woman Philip recognized as the costume designer came over to his mother to ask about the injured dancer. Marie told the woman that her son would be filling in for her. The designer looked realized and said, "Come along, Philip. We have to get you fitted for the dress." Philip felt a little queasy as he followed the woman towards the dresses hanging on the racks. She pulled out the dress that belonged to the injured ballerina and said, "We're just making some minor alterations Philip. The girl was not much smaller than you in height and about the same waist size, it appears. So let's get a measurement." Philip complied with the woman who took down his measurements and checked them against the injured dancers. She smirked and said, "You're almost the same size." "Is that good?" Philip asked. "Of course. I can fix this up a lot quicker. Hold on, just go put on your tights so I can be sure." "Oh, I don't have them with me." "You don't? Oh, that's right. You don't dance anymore. I'll have to get you a pair. Do you have a leotard with you to practice in?" "No," Philip replied as he blushed as he thought about how he would soon be dressed. The woman left Philip and went to get a leotard and tights in his size. She came back and directed him to the dressing room so he could put on his tights in privacy. Philip walked into the room and locked the door behind him. He looked around the large room that would be filled with dancers that night. It was a scene he was familiar with when he was a rising star in the field. However, Philip knew that this time would be different. He would not be the promising young danseur that people came to see, but would instead be one of the faceless ballerina's providing the backdrop for the principals. Philip pulled off his pants and underwear and carefully put on his light pink practice tights. Philip felt like a fool as he stared down at his pink encased legs peering out from underneath his long tee-shirt that now had the appearance of a cheap dress. He felt ready to die of embarrassment as he opened the door and hurried over to the costume designer. His appearance drew noticeable looks from the handful of people in the room. By the time he reached the designer, Philip face was flush from how humiliated he felt. The designer ignored Philip displeasure and said, "Put on the dress." "Why?" "So I can make the marks to alter it. I have to take it in a little." "Take it in?" "Yes, the girl you're replacing's body was a slight bit bigger than yours." Philip felt even more depressed by his body after finding out that a ballerina could be bulkier than he managed to be. Philip pulled off his shirt and the designer gasped. Philip asked, "What's wrong?" "You've got a bulge." Philip hurriedly looked down at his crotch, but found to his relief that he was not aroused. He looked up at her with a confused look and said, "So, I'm a guy. What did you expect?" "I don't know. I'm sorry. I'll take care of that for you. Just put on the dress. I know we have gaffs here somewhere. It takes away more than a dancers belt would. I'll find one for you." "What's a gaff?" "It's for cross-dressing parts. It hides your little guy away." Philip cringed at the fact that her description of his member seemed to somehow be emasculating him further even as he stepped into a dress with a layered tulle skirt. The woman found one and came back over and marked up the dress for alterations. Philip then disrobed and put his shirt back on. He was directed back to the dressing room with his leotard, wrap skirt, pointe shoes and gaff. Philip removed his tights and put on the gaff as the costume director had instructed him to. Philip then put his tights back on. He stared for a few minutes at his smooth front that seemed to be mocking him. He laughed to himself when he thought that if the kids he convinced that he was a normal heterosexual male saw him then, they would think he was the greatest sissy actor who ever lived. Philip then put on his short sleeve, black leotard. It was the first time he had worn one since he quit ballet two years earlier, but the feeling of it was far from abnormal. Philip smiled at the fact that it felt like he had never taken one off. He wished that everything else would feel natural to him again as well. He then put on his shoes, which also felt oddly comfortable on him. Philip finished his ensemble with the plain black wrap skirt that the costume director gave him to hide any bulge that may appear in between his legs. Philip then walked out of the dressing room and towards his mother. She immediately directed him to the stylist who had come in early just for him as a favor to his mother. Philip watched as she brushed his hair straight back and pinned it in place before she used what seemed to Philip to be a 100 pins to fasten a fake hair bun to the back of his head. She then added a little makeup to his thin face so his masculinity would be fully concealed from any outsiders who managed to make their way into the building. Philip was then taken to the rehearsal, which had begun 10 minutes before he got there. The dancers were only doing warms up when he arrived with his mother. Marie called for the attention of the dancers and said, "This is our replacement for Danielle. I trust none of you will give this child a hard time." Some of the dancers who had been around the company a while gave Philip strange looks. He knew that they were on the verge of placing his face when his mother added, "My son is doing us all a favor, so I would appreciate it if you kept his participation amongst ourselves." The longer tenured dancers smirked as they realized that the wunderkind son of Marie Taglioni who turned his back on his art had returned as a ballerina. One of the male dancers could not help but make a cutting remark at the boy who he heard quit his profession because it was only for sissies. Manuel felt put down by that remark and now had his chance for revenge. He smirked at Philip and said, "I like your skirt. Very not sissyish." A few of the girls laughed as well as all of the guys. Marie smiled herself as Philip buried his chin into his hairless chest that was visible because of the low cut of his leotard. Marie then told the dancers, "There will be no more of that. If anyone says anything mean to my baby boy about what he's doing, you'll be getting the worst assignments. Are we understood?" "Yes, Madame," the dancers answered in unison. Marie then left the room to attend to the details of the set. Philip was left with the dancers and the instructing ballet master, Alexander Nizhinksiy. Philip was always intimidated by the weathered man who defected from the Soviet Union in the early 1980's. Philip was told to stand at the barre in between two of the girls he would be dancing with in the corps de ballet. Philip joined the girls in their stretching. The girl to his right smiled at him as they did one of the exercises and said, "I think it's sweet what you're doing for your mom." Philip smiled back at the pretty young girl and said, "Thanks. I'd do anything for her." The girl laughed and said, "I can see that." Philip blushed. The girl realized that she was coming off as cruel and said, "That's a good thing. Loyalty is big. Not too many people have it." Philip nodded and said, "I guess you're right." The girl then added, "It's cool to see a guy be nice to his mother. I don't see many guys out there that would be this willing to help them out." "Thanks," Philip answered before he said, "I'm sorry. I didn't get your name." As they plied, the girl answered, "My name is Carlotta Grissi. I know you're Madame Taglioni and Roger Cerrito's kid, but I don't know your first name." Philip turned his head over his shoulder and replied, "My mother doesn't talk about her kids?" "Well, she does talk about you, but she never says your name. The older dancers here treat your name as like a forbidden word or something. I asked once or twice and never got an answer." Philip nodded and said, "Mom was a little down after I quit ballet. I understand them not wanting to bring me up. My name is Philip." Philip and Carlotta talked during the rest of the warm-ups in carefully timed intervals so as not to interfere with Mr. Nizhinksiy's instructions. Philip found out that she was 18 years old and from New York, but her parents were both dancers born in Milan. Philip learned that her parents had both danced in companies with his father after he left the New York City Ballet. They also talked about his mother, how long each had been dancing and where they got their respective training. After warm-ups were over, rehearsal for the performance began. Shortly before it began, the principal Lucile Grahn walked over to Philip. He recognized her the moment he walked into the room during warm-ups. She was 23 years old and playing the lead of Odile /Odette. During his dancing days, Lucile was enamored with his talents as she danced in the corps de ballet. She had since been promoted to a principal and, now, looked down at the boy who was once the rising star among young danseurs who was now reduced to a female background dancer. Lucile smiled at Philip and said, "A bit of a change of place for both us since last time we met, right?" Philip nodded in the hopes of getting away from a woman he found egotistical when she was only one member of the corps. Lucile smirked and started to walk away, but she turned around to say, "Don't embarrass us out there." Philip shook his head at Lucile's unnecessary words. He always considered her too uppity for a woman who was not a ballerina at a prestigious ballet. Philip knew his city's ballet was a backwater one. That's why his sister passed it over when a name brand ballet became interested in her. Philip then met the other women he would be joining in the corps de ballet to provide the uniform background behind Lucile and the other leads. The girls were all kind with him and a few seconded Carlotta's statement that he was doing something sweet for his mother. One young ballerina even called him cute. Philip thought to himself with a smile, 'This isn't too bad.' Philip mother came in then to refresh Philip's memory of how to dance the part he was given. Philip practiced it alongside Carlotta and another girl who volunteered to do it with him. Philip smiled as it all came back to him. His every step was sure and he felt that it was like he had never stopped. He smirked as he thought, 'I'm the natural at this.' Philip took a leap and missed the landing. He fell right on his rear in front of the entire cast. Some of the girls laughed as he stood up rubbing his arse. Lucile smiled and said, "I've got a name for her, Fanny." The girls and guys laughed at her and seconded her declaration. As the girls began to refer to and call him Fanny, Philip felt a little less happy about being around them. Marie did not bother to put a stop to it. Philip noticed that she looked frazzled as she left to deal with other issues involving the performance. Philip went back to practicing with Carlotta and the other girl before Mr. Nizhinskiy had the whole corps de ballet join them. Philip was less cocky when he danced with them and made sure that his footing was proper before he made every move. He was determined to not have anymore embarrassing slip ups and was successful. His success shocked the younger dancers who had never seen Philip Cerrito the prodigy. He was only a myth talked about by the longer tenured dancers with a mixture disdain, envy and admiration even as they never dared to speak his name in front of Marie. As they broke for lunch, Carlotta asked, "Why did you quit? I've never seen someone dance so flawlessly outside of the big city ballets. You're the best dancer I've ever danced beside." "I have my reasons," Philip answered. "What could they possibly be? You're too good. You've got to start performing again." "It's just not in me," Philip replied. Carlotta paused and wondered if there was more to it than he was letting on. She asked, "Why exactly did you quit?" Philip huffed and told her the truth about how he was picked on and told her what he had done to disprove the rumors. Carlotta shook her head at him and said, "You're a very stupid boy for giving up something you're so good at because of others." Philip shrugged and finished eating. After another rehearsal, Carlotta helped Philip get ready for the performance. The girls all did their own makeup, but their hair was styled by the in-house stylist. While the girls had their hair put up in buns, Carlotta helped Philip put on his makeup. Philip felt her touch was sensual as she placed the fingertips of a hand on his cheek while the other applied pale pink lipstick. Philip was aroused by her soft touch and was happy to be wearing a gaff to conceal it. She put on his eye makeup too. Philip kept looking her in eyes as she applied. When she finished, he turned and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He stared back at himself with his face covered by makeup that was identical to Carlotta's. That was deflating for Philip. He knew that he was lusting after a girl who only knew him as one of the girls despite her knowledge of his true sex. He knew he would never get out of the friends category if their relationship went any further than that one day. Philip was then taken to have his white, feathered headpiece put on to match the other girls cast as swans. When that was done, Philip pulled off his pink tights and stepped into the white tights the performance required him to wear. He then placed on his plain, white camisole dress with a short, white tulle tutu. Philip then put on his pointe shoes and relaxed beside Carlotta as he awaited the curtain's rise. As the starting time approached, Philip saw Lucile walking towards him wearing a tiara and dressed in a highly detailed white dress that put his and the other corps de ballet ballerinas' to shame. Lucile smirked at him as she walked by, pretending to be regal. Philip fought the urge to shout something at her to put her in her place. He kept his mouth shut to help ensure his mother's production went off without a hitch. Philip heard the familiar music start as the curtain rose with Lucile already looking impatient as she awaited her entry. When the moment came, Philip found himself comfortable on stage. He felt faceless and hidden among the 15 other swans he danced with. He matched the positions and port de bras of Carlotta and the other girls throughout the performance before they exited the stage for intermission. Carlotta and Philip exchanged praise for each others dancing as they awaited their next scene together. Philip forgot all the reasons he quit ballet and firmly embraced it at that moment. However, he was sure he would put it back in his rearview mirror the next day. As the curtain opened and the lights grew brighter at the start of Act IV, Philip eyes peered up from his resting position on the stage, and he noticed a face in the front row of the audience despite the absence of lights over the seats. Philip nearly failed to make his first required movements as he saw the face of his ex-girlfriend. He had been pining for her since they broke up. He had been trying everything to get back together with her. Now, she was sitting with her parents and watching him dance in a tutu and make extremely feminine movements. Philip felt exposed but her face gave no indication that she even noticed him. Philip felt relieved as he felt that he had sufficiently blended into the background and started to dance with more confidence alongside the other ballerinas. As the performance came to an end, Philip felt an unusual sorrow as he was sad to see the show end. He figured it would be his last time on stage, and he was surprised to be conflicted about that. The curtain came down and a curtain call came not long after. Philip watched as Lucile took a bouquet of roses as she took a bow. Philip chatted with Carlotta as they undressed after their performance. Each changed back into the street clothes they entered with after taking off their makeup. Philip felt a little strange wearing pants and a shirt after being dressed so long in female attire, but he figured that would pass. He tried to get his mind off his unsettling comfort with being dressed in women's clothes, and Carlotta served that purpose wonderfully. Carlotta pleaded with him to return to ballet, but Philip said that he was not interested in it. That statement prompted the same shocked look to come upon the other dancers' faces that it had when he first announced he was quitting. Despite Carlotta's pleas for him to not waste his talent, Philip was determined to do just that because that was what it took to not be called a sissy. He knew too well that he could not risk his classmates finding out about his dancing. After the theatre cleared out, Philip mother took him to dinner at a nearby diner. He took his first bite at 9:30 and remembered when he ate dinner that late because of shows. He smiled at the memory, but he was content to leave it in the past. When they finished, they went straight home, and Philip went to bed. The next morning, Philip got up for school and came downstairs and saw his mother reading the review of the performance in the paper. Philip asked, "What does it say, mom?" "It's a good review. Clive loved it." "That's great, mom," Philip answered as he took out a cereal bowl. Marie leaned back and asked her son, "Was it as bad as you expected?" Philip shook his head and replied, "No. It was pretty good actually. I can't believe we got away with it." "I know dear. Thank you so much for last night. I really needed your help, and you came through." "You're welcome, mom. Happy to help," Philip replied. Marie decided to push her luck. She asked, "Philip, have you given any thought to going back to ballet? You're a natural." Philip shook his head and answered, "No chance. I'm not going back to being Philip the sissy ballet boy at school. Those days are over. I've worked too hard to prove I'm a man to have a bunch of dicks at school make me an outcast again because they think all danseurs are gay." Marie nodded and said, "I'm sorry to hear that, but it's your life. You can do what you want with it." Philip smiled at her resignation. She was done pressing the subject. Philip poured himself a bowl of cereal and carried it over to the breakfast table. He stared down at the article in the paper reviewing the performance. He began to read the words and smiled at the praise that the reviewer gave to the corps de ballet. 'Flawless and effortless,' Philip repeated the critic's words in his head. The corps got a better review than Lucile. That brought a smile to his face. Lucile's Odette performance was criticized, but she was praised for her Odile. He thought to himself, 'That will take her down a peg.' Philip thought to himself, 'All in all, this wasn't bad.' Philip then paused, and he began to think about his ex-girlfriend. Now, that he knew that she liked ballet, he had another way to try to impress her. He knew that she was aware he used to take it. Everyone at school knew that. However, she did not know that he knew a great deal about it. He would gauge her actual interest in it, and then try to use it to his advantage if she had gone to the ballet because she wanted to. Philip smiled at his plan before he went back to reading the review that ended with praise for his mother. His eyes then shifted to the picture of Lucile dressed in her white dress and in Manuel's arms. He saw the corps in the background of the large full color picture. Their faces were clear as day. Philip heart skipped as he saw Carlotta's face. Then his eyes fixated on his own since the photographer caught him staring directly at him. He stared at his slender face and saw his familiar high cheek bones. Philip dropped his spoon as he fainted.