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Changes. By Lady Claire Stafford Mumbai: Awakening. The room had heavy drapes over the windows but the glow from the floor level night-lights enabled me to see the dressing table, some chairs and the very impressive chandelier hanging from the centre of the ceiling. Above the bed head there were lamps on articulated arms. This was a seriously up-market hospital room. My right arm was draped across my tummy, it had the plastic hospital ID around the wrist. The other, with the IV running into it lay more or less straight down. Both were on top of the sheet and light quilt draped over my body. Although both wrists were secured by leather straps to the rails at the side of the bed. They didn't completely immobilise my arms or restrict the movement to a great degree I just couldn't reach far enough over to remove the straps or the IV. But I didn't feel the need to do so, I just felt very relaxed, calm. Mumbai. Four days ago. David walked out of the restaurant dining room and on to the balcony. This gave him the most magnificent view he had ever seen in his life. Spread out before him was the Arabian Sea, Oman was 200km away. He gazed round the city skyline and sky while sipping from the glass. The sun was plunging into the ocean, the city lights were emerging. Never had he envisaged being in such an exotic place. Since arriving and wanting to attract as little attention as he could while wandering round the streets and markets he deliberately dressed 'down.' Jeans, a faded shirt, tattered sandals and a battered hat with a brim to protect him against the sun. Inexperienced a traveller as he might be he realised a tourist that looked well-dressed might be thought of as wealthy enough to attract the wrong sort of attention. England. Two years ago. At twenty seven years of age, not overly tall at 5' 7" with a slim frame, David Harris considered his life. Growing up in Watford, as had his parents and their parents, attending the same school as his father and working for the same company. Relieved that he didn't work in the factory and end up in the machine room as his father had, his qualifications, meagre as they were, enabled him to get a white collar job in accounts. The job was, to put it politely, unfulfilling. The figures and paperwork were ridiculously easy. Nothing varied. All he really had to do was keep the data base up to date backed up. It was boring and he had many years of this boredom to look forward to, the same office, same colleagues who were as boring as he was. The men only thought of soccer or rugby, going to the pub on a Saturday evening mainly to see if they could 'pull a bird,' any bird, so long as she had 'nice tits' then they'd brag about their conquests come Monday. Most of the girls seemed to be obsessed with how they looked, they just wanted to get a nice man and settle down. Most of those men where the ones who wanted to 'pull the birds' or 'sow their wild oats.' So a lot of the conversation going on around him was either, booze and birds or fashion and hairstyles. If someone got engaged it was cause for celebration, congratulations and a whip round for a gift. He noticed that not many of these engagements lasted more than six months. He was promoted to supervisor. It didn't help. Now he felt it unprofessional to be seen as one of the crowd. It'd make things difficult if management issues or discipline were necessary. But, occasionally he would still join the lads for a drink after work on Friday before heading off home. On Saturday he'd go to the pub with his dad, just for a few bevvies, then they'd both walk home to their small house. Mum would be still be sitting at the fire, knitting. He never found out what it was she was making though. The item never seemed to get any bigger; he thought she unravelled it before going to bed and just started again the next day. Then his dad was killed in a train crash. Devastated at first, then a numbness settled over him, he just went on living, working on automatic pilot, not paying a lot of attention to anything other than the work. He didn't notice his mother's gradual withdrawal and her dramatic decline. Her death wasn't so traumatic for him, anyway, she hadn't been to a GP in years. She was one of that, 'What she didn't know wouldn't cause her anxiety' generation. So her illness wasn't picked up. After the funeral he was surprised to learn they had been saving diligently for a holiday then retirement to the south coast. They wanted to get away from this street, this town, just like he did. Only he hadn't planned anything. Mumbai. Four days earlier. He left the glass on the table and walked through the dining room back to the hotel. In the morning he would go to the hospital. Mumbai: Awakening. The door swung open and light from wall lamps illuminated the room. "Ah, awake at last." Looking up toward the voice I saw a middle aged woman and younger man walked into the bedroom, both in charcoal pin-stripe suits. The woman wore a cream silk shirt tucked into a tight, fitted skirt which showed off her rather gorgeous legs. Her dark brown hair hung to her shoulders. Even in this relaxed state I admired how she looked. The man carried an attach? case, his three button jacket was casually left open to show the matching waistcoat over a pale blue shirt with a dark blue tie. The woman smoothed her skirt under has as she sat on the edge of the bed. "I am Mrs. Gregson, your post procedural coordinator. I am here to assist and counsel you in any way necessary through the final stages." She indicated a tray on the table. "May I have a glass of water please George?" Attach? case deposited on the floor George filled a tumbler and handed it to her, she smiled and touched his hand in an expression of gratitude. Obviously this wasn't a simple manager/employee relationship. As she sipped, I realised how parched I was and looked at the glass. Mrs Gregson noticed the look and spoke to George again. He poured the water into a tumbler, added a straw and, surprisingly gently, helped me sip the cool water. I became very aware of the weight on my chest as I moved, the weight of the breasts. London. 12 months previously. 'He sat alone in the bar, postponing his return to the hotel room. He didn't visit central London very often, if he did it was usually to do with work. The firm occasionally sent him for a meeting with the head office team to be brought up to date on some procedure or other.' As on this occasion he usually ended up alone Lost in deep thoughts he hadn't noticed the Indian girl move into the booth to sit at the far end of the table. It was only as he raised his glass he saw her. He almost choked, he was coughing and spluttering when she came round to him and started patting his back. "Oops, that was indeed a very impressive one," she cheerfully offered. He could hardly speak. When he sat back and started to breathe normally she offered him a drink of the water someone had brought over. "Take a small sip." He did so, gratefully. "I am sorry. I don't know what happened there." "Oh I do," she smiled. "You were in such deep thoughts then, as you drank, you raised your eyes to behold a most beauteous maiden." Her laughter was so light and gentle. He rubbed the tears from his eyes. "I must look ridiculous, sorry," he offered. "Nonsense," she replied, "it was only a coughing fit. Here, wipe your eyes." She handed him a handkerchief. It had the loveliest scent emanating from it. As he wiped he asked what the aroma was. "Just a perfume from home. Mummy sends them to me pre-infused." She smiled again. He sat back and looked at his benefactor. Well, gazed at her would be more accurate. She was absolutely the loveliest girl he had ever seen. Her beautiful eyes, long, straight black hair that fell straight to her shoulders, the fringe brushing her eyebrows. Her black wool coat hung open to reveal a coral dress which had a cowl neckline. "You're staring," she suggested. "Oh, sorry. Where does your mummy, er mother, live?" "Mumbai," she replied. "How long have you been in England?" He strained to think of an intelligent non-intrusive question, he just wanted to look at her and hear her speak. He had met a few of the Indian girls that worked in the offices and the factory. "Sorry, that was personal. I didn't...I mean..." He realised he was blushing. She smiled. "That's fine. Only natural curiosity." She looked up at two others who had joined them. "What is happening?" asked a tall Indian male, in his thirties, well dressed in a polo shirt, khaki chinos and wearing spectacles. He was accompanied by another Indian girl also well dressed in a tight fitting floral dress and a white short sleeved cardigan "Hi Aaran, about time you showed up. This poor chap almost choked so I rendered assistance. Sit down both of you for a minute!" Aaran and the other girl slid into the booth. "I'm Danika Puranam and this is my sister Elina and her husband, Aaran Patel." David gathered himself and made to get up. "Thank you for your assistance, Danika." "No, please wait, sit." She smiled. "I caused you to spill your drink I feel I should replenish it. Aaran please fetch a drink for...., sorry, I don't know your name?" She asked. "It's David, David Harris, and really, it isn't necessary, the drink I mean, but thank you." "David please, allow me to do this little thing. You wouldn't wish to sleight an Indian maiden would you. Her protector," she nodded at Aaran. "Would take umbrage at the insult to our family." David couldn't think what to say. "Um....pardon?" "Oh heavens Dani, you have frightened poor David now." Aaran smiled and leaned over. "Pay no attention David, my dear sister-in-law is quite the mischief maker, but I shall replenish your drink, please." David nodded. "Thank you." Aaran departed. He looked at Dani and Elina and smiled. Then he laughed. "My goodness, Elina! David is laughing at us. Call Aaran." "Oh stop it Dani." Elina rolled her eyes and looked up at the ceiling. "O.K. I apologise," David looked at them both. "I've been in a bit of a funk for a while and you have made me laugh. I should thank you." Danika smiled. "Well, that is nice to hear. I'd like to hear about this 'funk,' whatever that is. But another time. Let us enjoy this moment?" Aaran returned with the drinks and sat, ale for the guys and white wine for the girls. David's head spun, she said, 'Another time.' He didn't know what to say, he liked being there with them but it was obvious they were well travelled and experienced in the ways of the world. Politely they tried to engage him but he could only struggle as they chatted and laughed. Occasionally somethings in the way of health procedures would pop up and David realised they were health professionals. He learned that Danika and Elina were nurses while Aaran was a physiotherapist. He was he, a boring accounts clerk who couldn't contribute to the conversation. Aaran looked at his wrist. "We should be going ladies." They all stood up, Danika looked at him. "What are you doing David? For the rest of the evening, I mean?" she asked. "Doing?" he repeated. "Um...." Before he could say anything she turned to Aaran. "Both of you go ahead please, I'll follow. And Aaron, please put your phone in your shirt pocket!" He did so. She sat across from me and watched them leave. Then she moved round beside me. "O.K my dear David. Tell me about this 'funk.' Actually the phrase I know is 'blue funk.' I feel you are holding back." Suddenly he was overcome by a feelings of emotional intensity. His face went red, tears starting to well up in my eyes. She reached across and placed her hand in his. Apologising he went to stand up, intending to leave, but she grabbed his arm. "Don't you dare move!" He blinked and looked at her. "Please sit down," she said. He sat. "Talk to me." He talked non-stop. Everything poured out. His guilt over his parents, how he felt so selfish at being so wrapped in his own being that he didn't recognise what was happening to his parents, or consider how life had been for them. Barely grieving when they both died. His frustrations, at being stuck in this town in a mediocre job, isolation from his work associates, none of whom had anything in common with him, men or the women. He took a breath. "Can I ask a question? Well a couple of questions really," she spoke softly. He nodded. "Please don't take offence, are you attracted to any of the women you have met?" "Well-" He took a minute to consider what he was about to say. "As I said, most of those I have met are, well, 'small town' girls. They just want to get married and have children. While I admit there isn't anything wrong with that, but there must be more to life than just going through the motions. I mean, why can't the babies be postponed for a while?" "While you haven't answered my question, that," she smiled. "Was a fascinating start." "Thank you Danika. You are very kind. But your friends must be worried as to what I am doing with you. Shouldn't you be going?" "Oh David, you are either very evasive or very naive. Just answer the damned question, won't you?" She laughed with the most melodious laughter he had ever heard. "Actually yes, I have. Someone I am fascinated by, who is intelligent and smart, they aren't the same you know. She is also witty with a wicked sense of humour and yet she made me feel better about myself than anyone I have ever known." She lowered her long eyelashes. "And who might this virtuous special maiden be?" "Doris," he said. She raised her head, her face a mixture of shock and horror. "Doris?" Danika's voice was almost icy. He tried to keep his face straight and failed, he started to crack. She realised. "You sod!" "I am sorry, I had to get my own back. Your face was priceless though. I haven't had so much fun with anyone in... do you know I can't remember? Look, I have to say this. If you already have someone special I shall be sorry but shall withdraw with humility. But I do know I would have loved to get to know you better and I shall treasure this meeting." She sat quietly for a minute. "David. Come with me, join us for dinner." "Pardon?" "You heard. Come with us. I want to know more about you. Besides, I am well aware that depression isn't just about feeling low, it also has stages of 'highs' at times." He followed. Her coat hung open and he stole a glance at how the dress hung on her slim figure. He admired her slender legs and, looking down, her patent court shoes. He realised this lady exuded class in every sense of the word. They stepped into the street where Danika waved at a cab which did a smart U turn and pulled up beside them. "Where to, folks?" Dani gave him the name of a place he didn't quite catch but the driver obviously knew it and they drove off. Dani sat close beside him holding onto his hand. He didn't want her to let go. "I think you will feel very comfortable at this place," she said. "It's very quiet, the menu is quite varied." She stopped. "Oh wait, do you like Indian food?" He nodded. "I'm not very adventurous as far as food goes, different cuisines I mean, but I have tried Indian and enjoyed it|." She looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm not talking about 'curry and chips' my dear David. I'm talking serious Indian food." "Really?" He frowned, half convincingly. "Curry and chips are my favourite." She continued with her semi-serious expression. He lost again. "Sorry." And burst out laughing. "Oh dear," she joined in. "I think my sombre acquaintance from earlier has left, now I have a trickster with me." He squeezed her hand lightly. As the taxi pulled up he reached for his wallet but she pushed him away. "No, thank you David, I invited you. If we were in my country I would expect you to pay, and a gentleman would do just that, but we are here in England and I am emancipated so tonight is my treat." The restaurant was as tasteful as she had indicated. The lighting was subdued while the tables and booths were spaced enough so the clientele, it seemed too posh to call them customers, could enjoy the sensation of spaciousness. Aaran and Elina were already seated, a bottle of white wine in an ice bucket beside the table. Aaran rose and welcomed his sister-in-law and greeted David. "How nice of you to join us David." "I didn't have much say." He laughed. Elina gave me a warm smile. "So she managed to drag you along?" He sat opposite Aaran with Dani on his left and Elina to the right. In their company He felt oddly shy again. Collectively they were far more sophisticated than he was and was lost for a contribution to the conversation. Then Aaran mentioned his liking for the music of Eric Clapton. David raised his head sharply at that, which Aaran noticed. As he filled the glasses he asked if he liked his music? "I have quite a few of his albums and some dvds." Immediately this started an enthusiastic discussion on which albums they liked best, which era, which bands he had played. Then Aaran glanced over at Elina and Dani. They both had the raised eyebrow look. He burst out laughing. "My dear David, I think we should resume this topic another time. The ladies are a tiny bit bored. By the way, I think his '24 Nights at The Albert Hall' show off his expertise most excellently." He raised his glass. "To Eric." David returned his toast. "I agree. Also to the patience of ladies." Mumbai: Awakening. Mrs Gregson explained, "Our orders were most explicit in detailing the form, sizes, the voice etc." Looking down at my chest I saw the mounds. I still felt calm and just thought, "I have breasts!" London. After dinner they sat and chatted some more before Aaran announced he was working in the morning and should be moving. Elina enjoyed requesting that he should get up quietly as she didn't! Dani turned to David. "What are you doing tomorrow David?" "I work in a boring office, Monday to Friday. I have my weekends free. I had no plans, but now...." He looked at Aaron. "I might try to find that Eric Clapton dvd Aaron mentioned." Aaran laughed. "Oh good for you David." David turned to Dani. "Can I persuade you to join me tomorrow?" She rolled her eyes. "How long will it take you to find this dvd, do you think?" "Oh, that depends, there might be a few issues of it. I might have to do some research on which one has the best selection." Dani's eyes widened. "If you can minimise the selection process to 30 minutes I could be persuaded to join you." "Well, OK." After exchanging numbers and arranging a time to meet they left the restaurant, Dani, Aaron and Elina taking one cab leaving David to find another as they lived in the opposite direction. Mumbai: Awakening. I was still dazed, but pleasantly. There were no feelings of stress or concern. I lay back. "Thank you for that water....." I stopped, my throat felt odd. Not uncomfortable, just odd. "My throa....." He stopped again. "My throat, it feels strange." He frowned and tried to cough. Mrs Gregson rested her hand on his arm. "This is due to the work we performed, your voice will now be higher and will probably be softer as well. You won't need to practise holding that pitch." "Higher?" "Exactly. Just as requested." She glanced at George who stood quietly taking notes on a tablet. I felt drowsy again. "I think this is enough for one sitting." She stood. "We shall return tomorrow. I think you need to rest." She pressed a button on the IV machine and I drifted off to sleep. London Saturday morning came slowly for David. In truth he hardly slept because of his excitement. The blue sky was bright with sunshine as he had hoped. He quickly showered and shaved and by eight he was dressed in jeans with a light jacket over an open necked check shirt and ready even though they weren't meeting until ten. He got impatient and was sitting in the caf? by nine, buried in the paper and the crosswords to pass the time. He sat back, satisfied with how much he had completed and, as he sipped his coffee nearly started choking again, she was sitting opposite him smiling. "Oh dear," she laughed. "Is this how we are doomed to engage with each other every time we meet?" She passed a handkerchief to him. "I brought a spare this time, just in case." She wore a cream t-shirt tucked into a denim, calf length skirt. "I get engrossed in things." He wiped his eyes taking in the scent of the handkerchief. "This is a different one." "Yes, mummy does vary her choices." She smiled again. He felt he could sit looking at her for the rest of the day. "What would you like to do?" he asked. "Well, I do think Eric is waiting." She rummaged in her shoulder bag for a moment and produced a piece of paper. "Aaran supplied this for you to peruse." He looked at the paper. "My heavens!" "Yes, Aaran was busy before he left for work. I think that's a complete list of every album Mr Clapton has been recorded on, including ones he shared with other musicians. On the back are the '24 Night' listings. His recommendations have asterisks beside them." He repeated himself. "Wow! This is very extensive." "There is a store not far from here which Aaran haunts most chances he can, if Elina allows him that is." She grinned. "She has him on a bit of a tight leash at times. He'd spend all his money on music if he could." "Please thank him for me." They left the caf? and walked to the shop, she slipped her hand into his. Glancing down he admired her bare legs and feet in wedge-soled sandals. He felt his Christmas's had all come at once. Danika wandered round the shop while keeping an eye on him as he methodically browsed through the various albums. "Have you found the one you want?" she asked. He looked up, then at his watch. "Oh hell! I am sorry." They had been there for almost an hour. He gathered up the few albums he had selected and went to the counter to pay. "Right," he said, they were standing outside the shop. "Allow me to take you to lunch. What is your fancy?" "You! On a plate!" He almost choked again. She burst out laughing. "An Australian colleague once said that to her boyfriend. I thought it the funniest thing. But I think a nice salad sandwich would go down a treat with a cup of tea. I'll put you on the back burner for now." He blushed at her humorous compliment and she smiled at him. As they walked along she slipped her arm through his. "You are not like most of the men I know, you are not forward, a bit shy, very respectful. But, you should be aware that I won't break you know. You don't have to be so genteel." She kissed him on the cheek. "Come, 'My stomach thinks my throats cut," she giggled. "My Australian friend said that too. Australians have a great language." She led the way to a shopping strip where there were a few caf?s. She knew her way around. As they walked they passed a few clothing shops, she would look in the windows and make comments about items that caught her eye, occasionally asking his opinion. They found a table and had a relaxing and light snack, salad sandwich for her and a BLT for him. He didn't choke. For the first time in his life he felt really comfortable and at ease talking to a woman! He was usually self-conscious for some reason but with Dani he was so relaxed, he still contributed the smaller portion of the conversation but she seemed to be happy with that. For the rest of the morning and afternoon they wandered round more shops, mostly clothing, some jewellery, she persuaded him to try some different coloured shirts. He tended towards plain colours. "All right, enough is sometimes to much. You're not talking a lot my dear David while I am talking too much." She had produced two bottles of water from her bag and were sitting on a bench in a small park, shaded from the sun by a tree. She even sat elegantly, her legs crossed at the ankles and tucked to one side "I like listening to you talk," he said. Mumbai: Awakening. 5. I awakened again to see the curtains were still drawn but the glow filtering through the material and round the edges made me sure it was later in the day. I was still relaxed but also alert. I pondered the breasts, I wasn't concerned, not even remotely. That was odd. I should at least be interested. The straps round my wrists were still in place and the IV was still running. I noticed my nails. They were perfectly shaped and coated with a veneer of pale pink. Somewhere, sometime recently I had a manicure. I felt a need to see more. Grasping the sheet and quilt I started to pull them up from the bottom of the bed. Slowly they came away from the mattress until I beheld my pedicured toes with the same colour polish. I drew the hospital gown up. Bandages covered my groin. The door flew open and two Japanese nurses raced in. "I am so sorry." The first one placed her hand on my forehead, speaking very soothingly. "We were detained with another client." The second girl quickly drew the sheet straight over me as she pressed some buttons on the IV machine. "How do you feel? Are you thirsty?" I nodded and sipped at the straw, thirstier than I realised I almost drained the entire tumbler. As I sipped, the other nurse used her mobile phone. "Hello. Sorry to disturb you but your client in 32 is awake and restless." She nodded and turned to her colleague. She raised her hand and spread her hand three times, mouthing the word 'fifteen.' I looked up to the nurse as she pressed some of the buttons. "What's going on? Please tell me?" She lowered her head close to his. "Your co-ordinator is coming to speak to you." London. For the most part they just chatted, she spoke of her work as a charge nurse in one of the large specialist clinics. Their patients were a specialised group. Displaced and or alienated because of speech or some other physical impediments or various types of dysphoria, skin discolouration and unsightly birthmarks, scars and gender dysphoria. The work of the clinic was designed to help the patients gain a degree of normalcy otherwise denied to them. "Are there many who need this?" asked David. "I mean, do you have a lot, er, a big turnover?" "Yes, there are quite a lot. Our clinic has the highest turnover in Europe. There are larger in places in Asia. One in Thailand, for example, has a huge transgender clientele." He looked thoughtful. "What prompts people...." He hesitated. "Yes?" "This is probably a very na?ve question, but does anyone know why they need to do this? I mean, what makes them feel a need to change gender? "No one really knows my dear. They just do." He put his hand on hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Anyway, where to next? "Would you like to go shopping for clothes? You do seem to enjoy it?" "My dear David, haven't you noticed how all women love clothes shopping?" "Dani, I have a confession to make." She raised her eyebrow. He laughed. "What?" "I love how you do that." "Do what?" "Look up slowly, one eyebrow raised. It's like a challenge waiting to be launched." She smiled. "So long as you are aware of that, my dear. You will be prepared for it. But tell me, what was your confession?" He went red. She smiled. "My turn, I love how you blush." He went even redder. "Anyway," she continued, "you were going to confess something." "Yes, I was. In response to your comment about 'noticing' how all women love to shop for clothes." He paused. "To be honest, I haven't been with many women, never mind getting to that stage. Going shopping with them, I mean." He took a breath. "Actually, I haven't....well...to be honest...." "David, are you trying to tell me that you ....are,............ inexperienced?" He blushed and once again, blushed. "Dani. I...I really am enjoying being with you. I would really like to be with you, er, see you again. Very much so in fact. But..." She waited patiently, not wishing to push him. "You are so very much more... I don't know the way to say this... But you have travelled, you know so much. Oh shit! What's the bloody word?" "Experienced? Been around?" Her eyebrow went up. "No. Sophisticated! That's the word. Sophisticated, or worldly." The words poured out, like a torrent. "Like that restaurant! That, to be honest, was the most....the most, the highest class place I have ever been in. We don't have anything as posh as that in my town. You, Elina, Aaran were quite at home there. I have never been in such a place, a restaurant...." He was beginning to stammer. "... that had real cotton table cloths, napkins. My places were considered classy if they had plastic chequered covers and paper napkins." She turned her hand over and held his tightly. "David. Relax. I like you too." "I just don't think I can measure up to you." His eyes were starting to swim. "You are so, sorry? What did you say?" "I said, I like you too. You are very sweet. As for 'measuring up.' You are much too modest." She frowned. "But I think maybe you might be feeling a mixture of being overwhelmed and over... something. Let's just see how we go before getting carried away with feelings." He nodded. "Yep, sorry." "Oh no, please, don't be sorry. I do love how you are so in touch with your feelings and how you are honest enough to confess to them. Come. Let's enjoy ourselves. Besides," she giggled, "I know a lovely boutique across the park." For the rest of the afternoon they wandered around, chatting, looking in shop windows, well Dani did most of that. David was just entranced by this lovely girl and by the time they sat down to dinner at a bar David had told her everything about himself. She, in turn, told him about her growing up in India, as it happened she just confirmed what he had figured out, her parents were 'comfortable.' Father owned a few export and import companies as well as running a call centre. At this, it was David's turn to raise an eyebrow. She laughed. "I know exactly what you are thinking, my dear David. No, it isn't one of those 24/24 places that ring you at dinner time to annoy you into selling phone times or anything. It's the one where you ring to get assistance with either your internet service or on-line assistance with your computer. None of the staff are on minimal wages either, Daddy looks after his people and very well too. He has the lowest turnover of staff in India and they are very proficient in what they do." "That's almost disappointing," he said. "How so?" "I rather like the idea of my ringing and asking who they worked for. If they were employed by your father I could tell them that I know the boss' daughter." She burst out laughing. "Oh my dear David, that is so delicious. I love it." Mumbai: Awakening. The surgeon and his assistant arrived. "How are you feeling?" "Rather woozy I'm afraid. I'm having trouble focusing on things. Yet I seem to not be too concerned about this." The assistant drew a chair over to the bedside which the surgeon accepted gratefully. It was fascinating how amiable everyone was to each other. "Well, this was to be expected. We administered an anti-anxiety drug, similar to Valium. This, given with the analgesia, is helping you feel relaxed and comfortable after your surgery. It is quite an extensive procedure on its own but you had other areas that required attention, so we decided to help you as regards both the pain and any stress you might have felt." He wrote in the chart and notes. "I shall reduce the dosages but you might feel some increase on both pain or anxiety. So, don't be afraid to ask for a 'top-up' if it becomes overwhelming. As for the slight forgetfulness try not to concern yourself over that. It will pass." He handed the papers to his assistant. "Now, if you will permit me I shall examine the work and assess how things are." He stood up and smiled. The nurse drew a sheet over me as she efficiently drew the blankets down. The surgeon worked his way down, examining the throat first, making comments to his assistant. Then the chest, gently pressing against the mounds. "How does that feel?" "Fine thank you, a little tender perhaps." "Good, we expect this, it will pass soon." Then he raised the sheet and examined the groin. "Please excuse me, this will definitely feel rather strange and perhaps a bit more than uncomfortable. Also, it will be a little cold." The nurse produced a small tray with a strange tube on it that had a trigger type handle attached. The surgeon lubricated it and gently inserted it. "Everything all right?" he asked. "Yes, so far." "Only a few moments more. I am going to expand it but I will be as gentle as I can." The sensation was not totally as unpleasant as I had expected but I have to admit I'd rather not have had it. I had no previous experience to compare it with. I felt tears welling up. The surgeon slipped the device out and the nurse wiped the gel from his groin. He noticed the tears and passed me a tissue. "I am sorry, I am aware how strange and intrusive that can feel." He removed his rubber gloves. "In any case, I feel quite confident enough to declare that the procedures were successful enough and you are healing nicely enough so we can discuss you being discharged in a few days." The tears started to flow profusely. London. Over the next six months they spent as much time together as they could. Dani was a charge nurse so she was able to have most weekends free. He travelled up to the city on Friday evening after work and stayed in a small hotel. Occasionally they were joined by Aaran and Elina, he felt so relaxed in their company, they were generous and welcoming to him, he revelled in this warmth. It was like having a new family. One evening the three were in a heated discussion, Dani, Elina and Aaron lapsed into their own language then Aaran raised his hand. "Stop, David is being omitted from this conversation!" Slowly and very carefully he answered. "Yah theek hai, main samajhata hoon ki aapako kaee baar hindee bolane kee zaroorat hai!" (That's fine, I understand you need to speak Hindi at times). The three of them stared at him, three mouths agape. "Tum hindee bol sakatee ho." (You can speak Hindi) He blushed. "I'm sorry, I didn't understand that, 'You' and 'Hindi' I got." "You know some Hindi," Aaron repeated. "Very little I'm afraid. It is quite a complex language." "Main koshish kar raha hoon," (I am trying) he added. "When did you start this?" Asked Dani. "Five weeks ago, at night school. Also there are some Indians at my work, they have been helping me with pronunciation." Aaran recovered enough to down his drink. "My heavens, David. That was most amazing. Your pronunciation is pretty good for a westerner." "Thank you. I was going to wait until I was a bit more proficient but then I thought, 'what the heck,' so I threw that in." Aaran stood up. "I think a small celebration might be in order, or something. Elina, would you please come help me?" "What help do you need?" she asked, with no subtlety Aaran looked at David and Dani, they were gazing at each other. Elina took the hint. "Oh my dear David, that was such an amazing, and wonderful surprise. But our English is very good, it really wouldn't have been necessary. Studying this on top of your work responsibilities." She stopped. "But I do thank you. I am so impressed. You are a naughty boy for not telling me. But I loved the surprise." Dani giggled. "Boy?!" He tried to sound severe but he failed miserably. "OK. I wanted us to be as comfortable together as possible. The language is only a part of it." He reddened. "Dani, we have known each other for six months and really feel like we have something special." "Yes, I too feel like this." She smiled and held his hand tightly. Over the weeks and months he engaged with her friends and some of her work colleagues. They grew closer. Elina and Aaran joined them often as a regular foursome. Some evenings they would return to his hotel and share a bottle of wine, cuddled up on the small couch and watch a movie. He seldom invited her to his town or his pub. She asked about it and he tried to be evasive, saying he wasn't that fussed on going there. She insisted. "Why don't you want me to meet your friends David?" "I just want you for myself, I love our time together." "Yet are happy to spend time with Elina, Aaran and my friends." "That's different. You're part of that group." "How do you mean, 'That' group?" "You, your friends, Elina and Aaran. Your work colleagues, they are so different to mine. Oh shit. I don't want you to have to put up with their 'bloke' stuff. I think you'd get bored stiff." "In what way?" "The guys are all right but they are a bit 'blokey.' Football, rugby, cars. Any time I am with them, even if they are with their girlfriends, this stuff comes up. And their behaviour. They sit and look round at the girls passing comments." He sighed. "I didn't want you to have to put up with that." He sighed again. "Then after, at work. I'd be getting asked 'the' questions. I don't want you to be part of that." "What question?" She was persistent. "The same boring questions they ask each other every Monday morning. 'Did you have it off? 'Get any'? 'How was she'? I don't want them talking about you like that. Well, if truth be known they probably do. They don't say it to my face but I know them." "David you will have to take me off this pedestal. I'm not precious you know. Growing up in Mumbai I put up with a lot of that sort of stuff, and worse." "I can handle myself. I'm pretty tough you know." She smiled. "Besides, I do support a soccer team, Arsenal." "Arsenal? Oh hell. Noooo." He wailed. "Not Arsenal. The guys are Hammers supporters." He buried his head in a cushion. "They'll be feeling sorry for me. It won't be, 'did you get any'? It'll be how could you be with an Arsenal supporter?" She leaned closer, threading her arm round his waist, leaning her head against his shoulder. "And do you?" she asked very softly. "What? Do I support the hammers?" "No." She squeezed. "Not that." She raised her head and with her free hand drew his head down to her. She kissed him. "Do you?" she repeated. "Want to have it away? I was wondering if you were ever going to make the suggestion." "Oh hell, Dani." He turned towards her. "I do, so much, want to. I was just scared to.....you know, initiate things. I want it to be perfect for you." "Oh my goodness, David. You are so lovely. And..." She stopped. "Oh my goodness. Of course. Dear David, are you a virgin?" He went bright red. Tears started to well up. "Oh my darling David. Don't be embarrassed." She smiled. "I will be gentle with you........ the first time." They kissed again, she unbuttoned his shirt then his belt. "Bum up." She slid his clothes off then slipped out of her own but left her panties on. He just gazed at her. "I'm having my period." She blushed. "Oh, no, that's...." He went to grab at his clothing. ""We don't have to. I wouldn't want you to, you know, if you weren't able." She put her arms round his neck and kissed him. "Oh Danni, you are so beautiful. But I can wait." She pushed him onto the couch and straddled his thighs. "Have you heard of the Kama Sutra?" "Yes." "Have you ever read it?" "No," he answered. "Good. I always think it is better to begin with a bit of practical work before getting into theory. There are other things we can do." She started joining him at the pub on a semi regular basis. Any Friday she hadn't been working or they weren't going out with her friends or if they weren't working on more practical lessons. The 'Friday Crowd' as he called them, were basically the handful of guys he worked closest with, occasionally their girlfriends joined them, if they had any at the time, that is. Sometimes the Indian girls from his office came along as well and chatted with Dani in Hindi. One particular evening the girls were all chatting when one of them said something which took Dani by surprise. Her face showed shock, David asked if she was all right. "I need to go David. I'm sorry." She stood up and David grabbed her coat for her. He looked at the girl who spoke to her but she looked away. They left the pub and, finding a taxi quickly, she got in but stopped David from doing so. "I need some time, please my dear, forgive me." He watched cab as it disappeared round the corner. Eventually he went home to his own place. For the rest of the weekend he stayed at home, afraid she would ring the land line instead of the mobile and he might miss the call. She never rang. Monday morning at work he just went through the motions. He stayed in his office during lunch, hoping she might ring. He picked the phone up. "Hi Aaran." "David. Hello." "Aaran. I need help." "I know David. Elina and Dani had a long heart to heart on Friday, and Saturday, also most of Sunday." "Do you know what happened, Aaran? I thought things were going along so well with us. Then, on Friday, she was talking to Hiras and everything went pear-shaped." "David I'm not sure what I can say. We do like you but, well, Dani is complicated. She has had a lot of pressure put on her since she was a child. She is as strong as a lion when her friends or family are in need but as far as her own self is concerned she is very vulnerable." "Please tell what I can do, Aaran?" David was almost pleading. "I don't want to push her into anything she doesn't wish to do but I need to know what went wrong." "David, you haven't done anything wrong. Believe me. It's just complicated. There are difficulties in her life that she had to overcome. Until she can sort things out you will either have to be very patient or...I hate to say this, but perhaps you might have to accept that some things weren't meant to be." David sat quietly, not moving but his mind was in turmoil. "Can you please ask her to speak to me at least?" "I shall my friend." Aaran spoke softly, recognising the pain David was feeling. "I'll call you." He hung up. David sat at his desk, staring at the phone. He felt numb. A knock at the open door made him jump, startled. "I am sorry Mr Harris." It was Hiras. "May I come in" He nodded and waved her to a chair. She sat quietly, waiting for him to speak. "Hiras, what was it you were talking about? Something was said which disturbed her." "I am sorry Mr. Harris. I recognised her name and asked her about her family. I only mentioned knowing of her sister and a brother, I wasn't aware of Danika." She went on. "Evidently this brother had been a bit of wild lad, sowing his wild oats. I heard he left the country and his family had washed their hands of him, he had brought them great shame. I had read this in some magazine or other." She was very upset and almost in tears. "Please. Mr Harris. I am sorry if I caused any problems. It was not my intention to do so. I just asked if she had heard from him." "It's OK, Hiras, I understand it wasn't your intention to hurt her. Thank you for explaining things to me." "Thank you Mr Harris." She turned to the doorway. "I hope things get straightened out for you both. She is indeed a lovely woman and you are a very kind man. If you speak to her please convey my apologies." He nodded. "I shall. Thank you again." Mumbai: Awakening. 6 At last, things were as they should be. 'He' was gone. I reached into the drawer and retrieved her phone. Before the second ring it was answered. "About time. I'll be there shortly." London. For the first time in his working career David left early. The senior manager was so stunned he just said, "OK." With his coat over his arm he raced down the stairs and out the door. He looked for a taxi. The traffic was horrendous. 'I should have grabbed the train,' he thought. As it was this worked for him, he pulled up across the road from Dani's apartment just as she, in turn, was arriving. He raced across the street. "Dani!" She turned just as he leapt up the steps and threw his arms round her. "Please Dani, I know about your brother. Let us work this out. I can't bear not being with you." He kissed her and, for a second, she hesitated, then she returned the kiss with ferocious passion. "Oh! David. My dear David. You don't know anything." "Please, let me come in, I want to talk. Or we can go to the park again, or a caf?, like that one with the booths. We can have privacy there if my being in your apartment makes you feel insecure. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you or cause you concern." She was weeping openly now. "I know you wouldn't hurt me David. I just can't bear the thought of losing you but I fear I will." Taking his hand she led him inside and up the stairs. He was surprised at how spacious her apartment actually was. A huge bay window opened onto the street but there wasn't any noise from the traffic. "My father had the place double glazed when I moved in." "You're saying you own a huge apartment in London?" David was stunned. She nodded. "Well. I did say we were comfortable." "Hell!" "Have a seat." She pointed to a leather settee. "I'll get you a drink. You might need one." She smiled. "I do." Taking her long cashmere coat off, she threw it onto another settee David placed his beside it. The room was immaculate. Obviously expensively furnished and decorated but also tasteful. She went to a cabinet to one side of the huge open fireplace. Still in her uniform dress, a navy shirt-waist, dark stockings and low heeled courts, David found himself gazing at her, admiring her. Even in her uniform she was so elegant and so shapely. Her hair was brushed back over her head and swept up in what he had learned was called a French roll. After pouring two glasses of Irish whiskey she came over and sat beside him. "I'm sorry I haven't any of your favourite ale." He smiled. "No, this is nice." He looked round. "Actually this entire place is nice." He looked again. "You don't have a television?" She lifted a remote control. "I know you like the impressionist paintings we saw at the museum. What do you think of my Monet?" She indicated a large print on one wall and pressed a button, the image changed from a landscape to a television image. "Bloody hell." She switched the television off and the original image returned. She turned to him. "OK. Now we talk." David took a sip and started. "I don't understand what happened at the bar. Hiras came to the office this morning, she was so upset that she had caused you such distress." "What did she say about my.... brother?" "She said that there was gossip in a magazine. Something to do with a problem about his behaviour, because of this he had left the country. She wasn't prying just being polite I guess, 'How're you doin,' how are the family? Sort of thing." "Yes, I can understand that. It was such a difficult time for all of us. The family went through a hard time coming to terms with the... err... loss." She sat on the edge of the settee, very poised. She sipped at the tumbler. "Growing up in India was very difficult for me. I didn't fit. I wasn't one to play with everyone, I wanted to be with girls all the time, I preferred their company, boys were more aggressive, trying to be dominant. Some treated girls like they should be grateful for their attention." "While a few of the girls didn't mind this, a close handful of my, closer, girlfriends and I would spend time on our own. Doing the usual, trying on clothes, make-up, doing each other's hair. I had the most wonderful time with them. We were so close, intimately close, if you take my meaning." "I think so," David softly replied. "At some age most children start to become aware of their bodies and how they 'fit' for want of a better word." She nodded. "That's one way of putting it. But my parents had plans. They assumed I was just going to grow out of this 'phase' as they called it. I'd find a suitable partner, get married and have children." She took another sip. "I had slightly different ideas." "I came to England, worked in different jobs, cleaning, and waitressing eventually trained in nursing, worked my way up the ladder, so to speak, ending up in the hospital I am now employed and became a charge nurse." David had been quietly listening to this, trying to straighten the confusion in his head. "What has this to do with your brother?" "I haven't got a brother!" Mumbai: Awakening. 7 Elina entered the room. "Oh my dear." Later she explained how she was taken aback at my pallor, I also had some bruising. "Can you speak?" she asked softly. "Just a bit," I replied. "I'm still a bit tender there, and, well, down below. I feel like they have been using an excavator." Her giggle was a bit restrained at that comparison. "Can you help me out of this hospital gown? I hate it." Elina opened a drawer in her bedside locker and drew out a pale silk nightgown with broad straps. Slowly she removed the hospital gown and helped me draw my own down over my breasts. There, I said it. 'My Breasts.' Thinking that seemed so odd. She took a brush and gently tidied my hair. "Now you look lovely." She carefully put her arms round the now exposed shoulders and gently gave a hug. "Ouch, my breasts are tender." London "I'm confused" David was trying to find the right words. "You tell me you preferred your girlfriends to the boys? Forgive me for asking a na?ve question, but are you saying you are gay?" "No, not exactly." She had tears in her eyes. "I just didn't want to be among boys who were like them, young and so macho. The girls I were closest to understood and accepted me as one of them. I grew up like them. We went everywhere together, we shared clothes and all the other things girls did." "OK. But if you haven't got a brother who was it that Hiras was referring to?" The tears flowed down her face, the make-up so artfully applied was running down her face. "I wouldn't have had a problem, since coming to London I was content, well as reasonably content as I could be. I had friends but never really close to them. Then I met you. You changed everything." She wiped her face. "I realised the error of letting my guard down. I knew we could never be." "I still don't understand." David was distraught. "Please tell me." She sat back in the corner of the chair, both hands holding the cut glass tumbler. "Do you recall what I told you about the type of clients we had at the clinic?" He nodded. "Well, I was one of them. I'm a transgendered woman." David almost dropped his glass. As it was he spilled a small amount. He stood up quickly. "I'm sorry!" He looked round for something to wipe the spillage, his head spinning. She drew a tissue out of her bag and commenced to mop the small amount of alcohol. David remained standing as she did so. He was in shock. "You should sit down." She waved her hand to the settee. "In a minute, please, um." "Please sit." He sat. "Thank you." She sat quietly, waiting. "How long? I mean, when? Umm.....what did...?" He gave up trying to make sense. She took his glass and refilled it. "Is it safe" "Pardon?" "For me to give you this," she asked gently. "Oh!" He almost laughed. "Yes. I think so." "I knew from a very young age I wasn't the person everyone thought I should be. I told you about my girlfriends. How we would share clothing and make up, do our hair. Although born a boy I was inclined to be feminine from a very young age. My parents were disappointed and tried to get me to 'straighten up.' But I rebelled, I started to hang with a pretty wild crowd, some attempt to be manly I guess. We would get into trouble a lot. One night, we were driving around, and we had a terrible accident. The driver was drunk. I was a passenger." My parents were called and of course, with me being the son of a very wealthy and influential businessman the proceedings were widely reported in the press." He looked up. "That was what Hiras was referring to?" She nodded. "It was the last straw for my family. Daddy had to pull some favours in and the major press kept the story and distribution to a minimum. But of course the scandal magazines still reported it." "I, in turn, had to agree to attend counselling with a psychiatrist. As it happened Elina had been doing some research of her own and suggested one in particular. She had of course always known about me. I could hardly have kept it from my big sister. I used to borrow her clothes a lot. She knew what sort of psychiatrist would be of benefit." "He specialised in transgender issues and, from his conversations with Elina, had an idea what my rebellion was all about, where the anger came from." She sipped some more. The glass was emptied, she went for a refill. "His recommendation was that I should start hormone therapy and move to living full-time as a woman with the possible outcome of transitioning." "My parents were distraught but Mummy considered that I could have been killed in the accident. If I needed to be a woman, so be it, it was better than losing a child." "In the end I started HRT. Hormone Replacement Therapy? I needed to get away and came here with Elina. We shared an apartment, not this one." "She was in effect, my guardian. My paperwork, identity papers, passport, work permits all had me designated as female. I worked in various positions, Elina got me work as a cleaner, a clerical worker and various jobs in hospitals. By this time I knew what I wanted to do, I started nurse training as soon as I turned 18." "When I finished and completed my grad year I went back to Mumbai. My parents were quite shocked when we met after such a long time. We had long conversations on the phone of course but to actually see me, to meet their new daughter, was difficult for them. We had long conversations, heated at times. But eventually they accepted what I wanted to do and more importantly as their daughter. I had transitional surgery in Mumbai." She sighed and leaned back. "I worked in a hospital there for a year or two but I knew of this clinic in London and their work. I wanted to help others like me. Elina and I returned, she went to work in a general hospital where she met Aaran. I started at the clinic. I didn't have to tell them anything about my transition but I felt I should be up-front with them. They welcomed me and have been more supportive than I could have imagined. They estimated that my experiences would be invaluable. Evidently it was." David cleared his throat. "When you told me about the clinic I did some research, well, I Googled. I read about your patients, er, clients. And started to read up on the problems and difficulties they go through. How they were ostracised, the things they did to themselves, the guilt and the shame they felt. I felt so overwhelmingly sorry for them. I could envisage, a bit, well not really but I tried to understand how those with the scarring and disfigurement would struggle. Society insists on such a high standard of appearance. How women need to have the ideal figure and look so perfect at all times. It is so unrealistic." He sipped. "Also men, David." He nodded and continued. "I read about the work done there with the transgendered. That's a different thing altogether. Some carry on as they were born but because of the inner turmoil, they".... He looked up. "Forgive me for saying 'they,' I just need to say this as easily as I can and that word keeps popping up." She nodded. "But the ones who place themselves into this situation, this pressure cooker, are very brave. It's almost the reverse situation if you follow my meaning." "I once said that I didn't think I could match up to you. I don't know if I still can. You need someone strong, someone who can be supportive. I don't think I can be that person." He stood again. "I'm so sorry." He left, closing the door quietly behind him he walked down the stairs and out the main door. Mumbai: Awakening. 8 Elina sat quietly beside the bed. "How do you feel?" "A bit shell shocked to be honest. My surgeon, was very gentle and apologetic but when he inserted his speculum down there I was overcome. It felt too weird." Elina squeezed her hand. "Not the way you expected to lose your virginity I imagine?" She smiled again. "It's all over now." "Are you alone?" "No. It was thought a good idea if I should see how you were first." "I'm ready." Elina went to the door and opened it, beckoning. Dani rushed to the bed and threw her arms round my shoulders, crying openly, she just held me for so long until the ache made me ask for breath! She sat back and admired the nightdress. "My favourite," she smiled. London Daniika sat for a second before walking to the window overlooking the street, she couldn't see David at first but craning forward against the glass she could just see the figure in the arched doorway. It had started to rain and he was getting drenched. She turned and saw his overcoat across the chair. Grabbing it she ran out the doorway and down the stairs. He was still there. She opened the door. "You forgot your coat, you're going to get soaked." He turned towards her. His face was awash with tears. "I love you," throwing his arms round her he held her tightly and kissed her passionately. "Can we go back upstairs?" She led the way. "You need to get out of those wet things. I'll get a towel!" She returned with a couple of towels with white towelling dressing gown. "It's quite large. I like to wrap myself in it and watch television." "I think I recognise one of your mothers scents." He wrapped the dressing gown around himself and sat on the settee. Glass in hand. "Take two. As you know, I am an only child. I believe my parents tried for more but nothing ever happened. My town is a pretty tough working man's town, 'Men were men, women were women.' Anyone that was considered anything less than manly were likely to get their heads punched in. Any man who was openly gay simply left as quickly as he could." "One evening, after work, I was on the bus and just gazing out the window when I saw him walking along the footpath. He wore a dress. No make-up, short hair. Not really broad shouldered but definitely a man. In a dress." Dani started to ask. "Some women are like that, how did you....." "I recognised him. He worked in the factory. He saw me looking." Deep breath. "He worked in the machine shop. Slicing up sheets of metal." He drank some more. "My head should be spinning with this." He laughed. "I never mentioned it to anyone but occasionally I had to go into the factory to talk to the supervisors. Not long after that evening I saw him at his machine. He looked up, recognised me then looked away very quickly. I should have said something, anything to put his mind at rest." Tears started to flow. Dani moved closer, resting her hand on his. "A month later he was dead! An accident they said. Somehow he made a mistake and while using the machine he leaned too close. I know the truth though, he killed himself. He was afraid and couldn't live with the fear, waiting for me to tell everyone." He sobbed, Dani put her arms round him and drew him close. "My dear David, he must have had a compulsion to be seen. Lots do. They want to show their feminine side. You shouldn't blame yourself. He went out that night knowing there was a risk." She caressed his head against her breast. "It was happenstance it was you and a tragedy that he couldn't handle." She held his head and looked into his eyes. "There's more. Isn't there?" He nodded. "Seeing him that night was a revelation to me. It exploded in my head. I knew what he was going through. Seeing him, not in a magazine, not a drag queen on the stage, just an ordinary person, walking along the street. I knew what he felt." Dani raised his head and looked into his eyes. "David. Are you telling me what I think you're saying?" "Probably, yes, I'm the same!" Mumbai: Awakening. Elina smiled at me. "You are now a woman, David has gone." London. "I never told anybody. I kept it bottled up. The main reason I never had any relationships was I felt no woman could want a husband who was like me. I had read articles and letters in various sites on the net and while there were some who accepted their husband from the start they were in the minority. There are a lot of divorces." "I couldn't put any woman through that, it would have been unfair. Then I met you. I never had such a longing, a feeling that I wanted, no, needed to be with you. I was positive I could suppress it." "Then you told me about yourself. I felt it would never work, you would want a real man, not someone who might remind you of the sadder aspects of your life. You will want someone who would be a real husband." She squeezed him tight against her. "Oh David, my darling David. You really don't understand. I can help you, I know what you are going through only too well. We can still be together. When I said I wasn't attracted to those boys I knew, it wasn't just those boys, it was most boys in general. I said you weren't like most men I knew, I meant that, you are sweet and gentle. I wouldn't have said feminine but now I can see that this is the case." She produced a handful of tissues and proceeded to wipe her eyes then his. "Either way, whatever you do. We can be together?" Awakening. 8 Dani drew a package from her large shoulder bag. "Your papers are here, everything, passport, driving licence. Social security. When you leave this room you leave David behind. You are now Sarah Tinkal Harris."