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MAU: The Other Side of the Fence Part 4 Redemption Thursday December 20th 2007 Well it took awhile for this journal to beckon me once again to its blank pages. I've lived alone now for awhile in what was once the apartment that Jack and I shared. It's been tough not having him around on a daily basis. Oh, sure I still see the big lug at work but it's been a real big adjustment not to have him to live with anymore. Like I have said many times before, we helped each other adjust to life with a scrotum, and all that goes with it! But those days have long since passed when I had no idea how to shave my face, wear men's clothes, or what to do with my insistent little head. I smile now to myself when I think back to those first traumatic days Jack and I spent at the YMCA. I smile as I recall my first attempt at shaving my whiskers on my face and how irritated I was by the itching of my skin that those whiskers caused - and still cause - whenever I don't shave my face. I rub the stubble on my chin and it feels like it has always been there. I shake my head - had I really been female for over thirty years? Did I really wear make up on this tough hide of mine? So much has happened to me since my transformation that it seems like forever since I had a monthly visit from Mother Nature. I won't waste the time or the paper recapping events, but suffice it to say that the truth is stranger than fiction! Mother Nature sure didn't waste time making herself known to Jack and Claudia. I'm still stunned. In just six short months I'm going to be an uncle; and Jack is going to be a father! I can't believe it! A father! He's excited of course, and in the powwow he and I had he confided to me that he's a little disappointed not to be the one giving birth. I was slightly amazed by this admission as the machine seemed to have erased or changed most all of our female tendencies when we took on our male bodies. In fact I remember myself how the thought of having a child had become so foreign to me all of a sudden. When I became a man the mere thought of some screaming infant ripping its way out from between my legs made the hair on the back of my manly neck raise and I crossed my legs in protection. Men aren't conditioned to have children emerge from their bodies - we're conditioned in other ways. We're conditioned to dominate, to protect the female of the species, to provide for offspring, and to be aggressive in most settings. Women were/are conditioned to be nurturers and to be mothers and little else. Both of these role models of course are described here on these pages at their most basic. I'm not saying that I agree with it; but history does seem to be filled with examples of it down through the ages of society. Still, nonetheless, I'm a man now for all intents and purposes and for the most part I play the part. I certainly look the part with my muscular physique, handsome face, and oversized erector set! My gonads rule me much of the time I'm afraid. Since Joy broke it off with me I have not been with any women. It's just plain too painful still. My efforts of being a bad boy stud failed miserably. Oh, yes! Due to my male anatomy I could get stiff and play the part of the hunky stud and I even did this a few times to try and forget Joy and the pain I was in - but it didn't work. Oh, I'd get good and stiff while working my moves on a woman for sure! But then once things progressed and became more heated; like foreplay on her bed for instance, I'd suddenly - or rather, it suddenly would turn into 'Silly Putty' as I removed my pants! Thank god for masturbation! And as a man it's so damn easy to have an orgasm. All I have to do is get just the least bit excited and away we go! I'd soon have quite a mess on my hands quite literally to clean up. But I digress. Life for me has settled into a rut. I work at the gym and I workout with Jack before our shifts or afterward. Thank god for my modeling career or I wouldn't get out at all. Monday December 31, 2007 Christmas was a real drag this year, compared to the blissful Christmas I had last year. I was engaged to be married to a woman I was madly in love with and thought I'd be spending the rest of my days with. I even went to see a therapist about it because I loved her so much I didn't think it fair that she not know about my past as a woman. I felt somehow that I would be betraying her; but Dr. Z straightened it all out for me when he explained Joy loved me for the man I am now - not for the woman I used to be. So, there was really no need to tell her. But still, the good doctor had to convince me. Foolish me, I thought I'd never see the man I've come to think of as some kind of father figure again. After Joy broke up with me I was really a mess. I couldn't eat or sleep or concentrate and I could think of nothing but the pain in my heart. Jack got so concerned for me he finally intervened on my behalf and insisted on taking me himself to see the good doctor again. Only this time I didn't stay for just an hour or so. No, this time I stayed for a few weeks. Jack is the only other person I have to talk to about my life and now I can add the good doctor. You see, Doctor Z is not only a great psychiatrist he is also a doctor of medicine. He's also head of the secretly located federal government compound where all of the other men and women who have used the machine live. The absolutely bizarre things I have seen there boggle the mind. In order for me to be seen by Doctor Z I had to keep my past identity a secret from the other members of the compound. They would not like it so very much Dr. Z explained; if they knew Jack and I had been allowed to live in society. So, I assumed yet another identity. I was introduced to the compound community as a representative of the federal government. It was explained that my presence was required by the government for additional funding. This seemed to appease the curious - and it kept questions to a minimum. Of course this was only after I was allowed out of Doctor Z's home during my later recovery. My time spent with Dr. Z I will always be grateful for. He pulled me out of a deep dark depression that I never want to see the likes of again. He explained that Joy was like my first love had been. Indeed, she truly had been my first love - as a man that is. And for the most part we all know how those first loves usually end - painfully. I still think of her often though it has only been just over five months now since I received her letter in the mail. The pain gets a little bit easier as the time passes. But do I ever understand how men in their social isolation can make a woman their entire world. I can now understand how men can get so possessive and downright jealous. And I can easily understand the underlying insecurity that breeds the very jealousy, possessiveness, and neediness in a lot of men that I describe here. I look at my male self in the mirror everyday and realize that I have needs both emotionally and physically that society has placed restraints upon. And it's the restraints that can make it difficult if not impossible for me to survive in this world. Thank god for Jack! And now Doctor Z as well! I don't know where I'd be if not for the two of them frankly, probably in some booby hatch someplace! Did I tell you it was bad? Did I tell you I had a nervous breakdown? Well I did... Sunday October 28th 2007 "Bring her in here" he said. I can barely remember hearing the good doctor calling me a 'her' once again as I was escorted inside his home by two men bigger than I am. I certainly remember his office clearly from my previous visit; but I have little recollection of my first days under Dr.Z's care for a depression so dangerously dark I had been thinking of jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge. Jack had somehow managed to understand my ramblings and realized something had to be done. Unfortunately Jack had to leave me at the driveway entrance just like the last time I had been to see Dr.Z. He waited in the car and my bodyguards arrived and then I disappeared as I walked up the driveway. I have to take Jack's word on this as I don't really remember it very well at all. I'm a bodybuilder for god's sake! I'm quite used to physical pain; but the emotional pain of depression is by far, far worse than any physical ache or pain I've ever experienced working out - and I've had some real serious muscle pulls and tears of tendons to back this up! I took pills not on the market yet and I felt my depression lift soon after. I was never so thankful for a pill in all my life - as a man or a woman! And when I could finally think again without feeling this overwhelmingly painful sadness and loss of hope I could talk to the doctor: "So how are you feeling today Justin?" asked Dr. Z. It took me a minute to finally answer, because I really wasn't all too sure just how I was feeling. I looked down at the tight fitting white tee shirt that covered my torso and took a deep breath. It felt good to take that breath, I felt like I was back in control of my body. I sighed. "I feel better than when I first arrived, Doctor. I can tell you that much for certain." He nodded and smiled. "You seem to be responding to the medication very well," he explained. I nodded and smiled slightly. I wasn't all that happy to be having to take a happy pill now that I had my wits about me again, but there was nothing to be done about it. This was actually one of my last visits with the doctor. My many counseling sessions with him were intense and highly personal. I cried like a baby, like the little girl I really am inside over the loss of the woman I loved. And Doctor Z found it in himself to comfort me. He managed to console me and even hug me even though I am encased in this body of male flesh. He helped me work through all the many emotions that I was feeling; but did not know how to express as a man. He finally told me not to worry about my gender and just let it all out! And that's when I finally started to feel better. Many of our sessions dealt with my relationship with Joy of course and how I had managed to make her my entire world. 'You'd be surprised' he said,' at how many people do this'. Indeed, how many people got married just to combat loneliness? Was that what I had done? Had I been combating loneliness by latching on to Joy? It took me a moment to realize that he had said 'people'. Women did it too, he explained. What did I think 'Happily Ever After' meant anyway as female he had asked? Stunned, my entire body jerked as I sat there in his chair. He made me face one of society's biggest myths: the female's search for her Prince Charming. Only this was Prince Charming with a sex change! I'm afraid I turned beet red and averted my eyes when I realized this! "I see," I finally said, embarrassed. "It's really nothing to be embarrassed about, Justin. You just have to understand that it is not really a good idea for people to do that - make someone else so totally responsible for your own happiness. You have to make and keep yourself happy. Haven't you noticed you really can't keep another person happy no matter how hard you may try? You can't do it! And it's because happiness comes from the inside out and not the other way around!" I nodded silently and just took it all in. I would later mull things over in the spare bedroom that I slept in. Of course he was right! It would seem he always was right whenever we would have our little discussions. But for the most part on this one point it made a lot of sense. Somehow, even as a man, I was still chasing after my Prince Charming to live happily ever after with! And I'd thought I'd found him in Joy. When the doctor and I had peeled away all the layers I realized that deep down I'd been absolutely terrified at the prospect of going through life alone as a man! I had no idea how to be a man let alone going through life alone as a man! Oh, the realization was suddenly exquisite in its beauty; and I can chuckle now about it. But 'our ability to delude ourselves is truly amazing' Doctor Z explained. I would be mistaken if I thought for one second that I took the proverbial cake! Once that realization sunk in the healing process began. I started to get my big appetite back, I was sleeping much better, and I even began to yearn for a good workout! It was during my last session with Doctor Z that he explained that I would be at the compound for another week or so and if I so chose I could explore the place. As long as I understood that I was never to reveal to the citizens of his little kingdom who I really was. Many wished to leave and never would be allowed to do so I was told and therefore my temporary status as a visiting fed was created. I was also warned never to divulge what I would see while exploring the grounds once I went back to New York. Easier said, than done! My eyes nearly popped out of their eye sockets when I saw a gathering of the residents in what they call their version of Central Park. My conversation with them was of course limited by necessity, but I managed a few conversations nonetheless. In the few days that I had left I encountered many strangely altered human beings: a man who had given birth to his own child by changing himself into a fertile and totally functional version of a hermaphrodite. The man still had the build of a man with broad shoulders and a muscular build but one could easily detect a pair of generous breasts underneath his loose fitting shirt. His child, a little girl I've been told, even though she too is a hermaphrodite is quite at home as she plays in the playground area with other strange 'children'. The child seemed not to care that the others were not at all like her. Most were offspring of snakelike women; they had the heads and torsos of human females but the bodies of snakes, which grew to be immense in stature. Although there had been no males for them to mate with; Mother Nature fixed that when some of the females suddenly became males and a new self reproducing species was born. The little hermaphrodite girl giggled and squealed as she ran amongst her much larger playmates. I listened intently to her as I eyed the other 'people' in the park. There was a man sunning himself who had the body of a goat; another man had the body of a horse with the biggest dong a horse could possibly have! It made me think of my own erector set and how I had 'improved' it. I was no one to pass any kind of judgment on what I saw in the park. My heart went out to these people - as I knew, like me - that they had been left by the machine in the bodies that they now wore. My mind reeled with the changes that had been made to some of them - but again I was playing the part of a visiting fed and had to remain 'cool'. I don't know how 'cool' I looked dressed in a tight fitting white tee shirt and jeans as I walked about the grounds. Some of the female snake women whistled when they noticed me walking by. It made me feel just a little bit too much like a piece of meat if you know what I mean? I mean they had fangs and pronounced their s's like zzzzz! I'm sure all the meat on my bones was attractive, I've been told that many times; but even I have my limits! My short conversation with the hermaphrodite child's mother/father was very enlightening. The man had been a lonely forest ranger - a very horny forest ranger by his own admission. He used to regret what he did to his body; having made it so sexually sensitive and a hermaphrodite as well. But not since the birth of his daughter he said. Since her birth, he seemed to have found a whole new reason for living. I couldn't help but ask him: "How did you know your child is a boy or a girl?" He looked at me and shrugged. "I waited until she could tell me," he finally said. "Oh," I said. "That's why I named her Chris. It's a name that can be both male and female." I nodded my understanding and looked back at the happy little girl. She truly was beautiful. It was hard to believe that there was a little penis underneath the pretty little pink dress she wore! Tuesday November 20th 2007 Doctor Z informed me this morning that I would be leaving for home tomorrow. Since Thanksgiving was on Thursday I was very much looking forward to going home to see Jack and the pregnant Claudia. I missed them both very much and yet I wasn't looking forward to going back to life in New York for some reason. I guess it's now difficult to pretend that everything is alright when you know that it's not - really. I looked at my handsome reflection in the mirror in the bathroom of Doctor Z's house. I was a lonesome, somewhat unhappy, drop dead gorgeous stud that didn't want to go back to his rat race of a life in the Big Apple. But staying at the compound was not an option either - it wasn't reality at all - at least not for me. I still very much fit in out in the real world; and I was sure that if I did stay that somehow I would come to resent it. I would not be happy living at the compound with its very unusual residents. No, I needed to return to my life in New York City - no matter how lonely I was. I'd do my best to 'be a man' and get through this to the best of my ability. I wasn't exactly leaving Dr. Z after all; I was taking him with me, back to the real world and back to my life as a man. I sighed as I looked at my naked torso in the mirror. It has been just over three weeks since I last had a hard workout. I flexed my biceps and the peaks rose up proudly to a massive twenty inches. I was very proud of my body - even though I'd not done all the work to obtain it! Doctor Z and I had discussed this aspect of my being - the falseness of my physicality; the fact that I hadn't done all the grunt work to look the way that I do. You know what he told me? It didn't matter! It didn't matter that I hadn't ate thousands of meals full of protein, or lifted weights till I turned a purplish red in my face. He told me I've been blessed with a body of perfection - and indeed I have been - so I should do my best to live the life that it provides for me. Doctor Z in all his wisdom told me that he believes in God deeply - and that God makes no mistakes. And if God makes no mistakes therefore I am as he created me to be! It took me a few minutes to wrap my poor brain around that one let me tell you! God makes no mistakes! God makes no mistakes? I looked at my proud self in the mirror and dropped my massive arms back down to my side. I shook my head and walked away from the mirror. I recalled my conversation with the good doctor on this point: "Justin," he said, "it's the truth! There is a Divine Plan for all of us! It matters not that you were born a woman and are now a man. You still have a purpose and a contribution to make to society!" "I understand that," I said, "but I still find it hard to believe you." Doctor Z just looked at me and shook his head. "No," he said, "I think the real problem is you find it hard to believe Him." Well there it was! The good doctor had confronted me on my religious beliefs! Me! Justin Michael Gray had been not only born a woman but raised to believe in God! I may not have been raised Catholic, or Methodist or whatever; the fact still remained I had been raised to believe in God and it stunned me that he had confronted me on this topic. "But Doctor Z!" I said, "I wasn't born a man, I was born a woman! I used an alien machine to make myself this way! God had nothing to do with it!" He just smiled at me. "Wanna bet?" he asked me. I looked at him confused for a moment. I truly didn't know what the man meant. How could my using a machine by an alien race be in God's plan? I was never very good at the metaphysical aspects of life, the universe, and everything! I was beginning to get upset with my doctor. "I used a machine to make myself this way. I don't see at all how that fits in with God's plan for me at all, Doctor!" I explained. Doctor Z took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Justin," he said slowly, "everything that happens whether it is good or bad by our perception is all in God's plan. One foot in front of the other, one stepping stone leads to the next. Appearances can be deceiving." I looked down at my massive chest and looked back up at him. "Tell me about it Doctor!" I snapped. "Justin -" "What!" I shouted. "There are no mistakes. You are meant to be a man at this point in time; and so you are! It is as simple as that, my boy!" For a moment I wanted to throttle him one; but that was the testosterone talking to me and I bit down on my tongue and held steadfast in my chair. It would serve no purpose to strike the one man who had saved me from myself literally. "Doctor," I said, "we're talking about aliens! We're talking about their technology! We're talking about my using it to change my body and nothing more!" "Yes, Justin, we are! Don't you see? If you had been meant to go back to being Justine you would be Justine. There was no accident when the machine quit working. God knows all and sees all. Would you agree with that?" I simply nodded in silence. "Then doesn't it follow that He would know what would happen to both you and Jack since the first moment one of you turned the machine on?" Again I nodded in silence. "But-" I said. "But what?" he asked softly. "They're aliens, Doctor?" "Only to you and me, Justin, to God they are His children." Oh god, that's when I really lost it! "What?!" I said, incredulously. "Well, Justin, if God created the Universe, the Earth, nature, the animals, and made us as well in His image doesn't it follow that an alien is a child of God too?" I put my head in my big hands and just shook my head. Not only was he telling me that it wasn't an accident that I was now a man; but he was also telling me that the aliens that had built the damn thing were also children of God! I could hardly wait for what might come next! "Justin, are you alright?" I heard him ask. "I'm fine" I said, at least I thought I was! I looked up at the Doctor and smiled. I owed the old man much. He'd help me to get my head back on my broad shoulders straight! He'd helped me to see what it was that I had done by chasing Joy, and subsequently falling in love with her. And yes, he had previously recommended that I marry the woman; that I be the man she loved. But now that had fallen all apart - and so had I! Piece by piece, brick by brick he had torn down my walls of denial, of self protection, of self delusion and helped me to bring myself to the point in time that I was now in. I took a deep breath and let it out. Just breathing in the moment felt good! Unless you've suffered from a deep depression you wouldn't know what I mean when I say it was great to be alive - man or not! To be feeling alive and somewhat normal again I intended to cherish for the rest of my God given life! "Feel free to come and see me Justin whenever you need to" he said. I nodded silently and then a question came to me. "Doctor, are you telling me that it's in God's plan for the residents of the compound to live out the rest of their lives like they are?" There was a brief pause between us and then he smiled at me and his eyes pierced my soul. "There are no mistakes, Justin. We just like to look at the world through a rather different pair of glasses, that's all." I furrowed my brow in confusion and just looked at him. "It's really not that hard to grasp, Justin, if you look at the entire picture. It is really about our soul's development. Some religions teach that we create our own reality - even before we are born. Still others speak of karma and life lessons of the soul; Indian folklore is filled with tales of reincarnation; of tribesmen coming back as guides and so forth. We are a stubborn lot, us humans," he explained. "It takes a lot of explaining to get someone to understand that we humans are really souls on a journey of enlightenment. And it is in the pursuit of enlightenment or knowledge on the soul level that brings us here to this plane of existence. I personally truly believe that we create our own reality before we are born. I can imagine quite easily, my friend, a space in time, or whatever where all souls go to set their course to choose the life they will live so that the soul learns what it needs to." I looked at him carefully for a moment. What he had just said almost went straight over my head. Like I said, I never was all that interested in the metaphysical aspects of life; but boy, was I sure getting caught up! I didn't respond to his words. I just took it all in to later ponder it; just like anything else he had said during my stay that required some extra thought. I sat down on my bed as I continued to think back on what he had said. It certainly put an entire new light on the whole machine business; and I was sure Jack would be relieved to finally really be let off the hook for my transformation. I looked at my big hands - my big male man hands. Why had God given them to me? Surely there must be some reason for my possessing them, as well as the rest of my body. But what could it be? I somehow knew it wasn't to take pretty pictures of me for commercial advertisements; but the great money I made could be used as a tool for some other purpose. If there are no mistakes, then surely it would follow that whatever I ended up doing with my life it would be on purpose. I got up and went to my chest of drawers and pulled out another tee shirt to wear. It seemed the only type of shirt the compound had that would fit me was a tee shirt. I pulled it on and tucked it into my jeans; the large bulge in my jeans long since stopped embarrassing me. But to be completely honest it was the topic of one of my most memorable conversations at the compound. Ella, a very hard working assistant of Doctor Z's was in charge of my medication, meals, and other needs while I stayed at Doctor Z's home. It took awhile for the woman to get over the fact that I had been a woman earlier in life. My three week stay at the Doctor's home may have helped; or perhaps it was just that I wasn't so much the freak compared to some of the other residents! Anyway, one morning she came to Doctor Z's house to give me my medication and to fix me some lunch. I could tell she had something on her mind she wanted to ask me. You know what it is, you know? Even before they ask you, you already know what it is. You just do! "Is there something you'd like to ask me?" I finally asked her. She looked at me carefully and something flickered across her face. She put the spoon down on the countertop that she had been using to stir a big pot of stew with and turned around to look at me. She looked really nervous and just a little bit embarrassed. "It's alright," I said. "You can ask me." She sighed and nodded. And then she quickly walked over and sat down at the kitchen table with me. "What's it like?" she asked, suddenly not quite so embarrassed. "To be a man," I asked her, "or to have a penis?" "Is there a difference?" she whispered. "Oh, God, yes!" I replied with a deep hearty laugh. "God, yes!" She turned a beet red and turned away. "I don't understand what is so funny!" she remarked as I continued to laugh. I looked at the woman a moment and realized she thought I was laughing at her and I began to stifle my laughter. "I'm sorry," I said. "I'm not laughing at you," I explained. "It's just that the fact that I have a penis doesn't necessarily make me a man." Her brow furrowed and I could see that she didn't quite understand. "A man," I said, "is so much more than his penis. Just like women are so much more than their breasts. Women just don't get it. You raise your little boys to stand up straight, not to cry, and to take things like a man - which really means we have no choice. You've raised us to go out into the big bad world and bring home the bacon ever since the age of the caveman. You've taught us not to be needy - to get things done - and then you complain that we don't need you enough! Hello? What's been the most fascinating and truly frightening aspect of this entire experience hasn't been the physical - it's been the emotional. I can take care of myself physically, Ella. My size helps a great deal, people think twice before fucking with me. But since I became a man what I miss the most is that I am no longer free to express my emotions. Believe me, I've tried! And all it ever got me was trouble! If this is such a man's world why is it that the social system that is in place has such a stranglehold on the development of the male?" Ella just looked at me as I continued to explain. "Exactly what is so threatening about a man's emotions that a society frowns upon him expressing them freely? I just don't get it? Is it because we're built like bulls? And we all know what happens when bulls get angry! The only thing I can figure Ella is that what is now in place in the white man's modern world is some sort of matriarchal society that has neutered its males and kept their development stagnant. If this is so, how did this happen - and why? I mean, we're all from the same primordial goo! There are plenty of male dominated societies still in existence today. You can take your pick of any Middle Eastern country and you will find that the man rules! There is no debate! There is no democracy! Do you follow me?" I finally slowed down enough to ask her. "I think so," she said, "you're not happy being a man?" I rolled my eyes. "That's not what I said at all!" "I'm sorry," she replied. "It's just that I was having some difficulty following you." I nodded and took a deep breath. "Don't you see?" I said, "Look at the bigger picture! We all started out from the same cradle of civilization and then we spread out. How do you explain it?" "Explain what?" she asked me; clearly frustrated with me. I paused. "No, I'm sorry," I said. "To me it is clear. I forget that it is not to others. I am speaking only of the modern day white male and how we are corralled, controlled, and kept only just a little bit civilized, Ella. Perhaps it is like that episode of 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' where the society is led by females and the males are kept docile by drugs, or kept ever ready for war by still more drugs - and social policy. The real question is who decided the current social policy regarding white men? Look at the Japanese, the Chinese, the tribes of the American Indians, and the Islamic societies - it is quite customary for the male to rule not only in the home but in all facets of society. Women have no voice!" "But this is changing," she remarked. "Slowly," I said. "Women are being given a voice. And please Ella, don't misunderstand me. I'm all for equality of the sexes, the races, and all that. It's just that right now one of the toughest things to be is a modern day white male. And that's the truth!" Ella looked at me for a moment and smiled. "What?" I asked her. "So what's it like to have a penis?" It was suddenly my turn to turn a beet red. "Sorry, Ella. I didn't mean to go off on some tangent on you. It's just that I get so damn frustrated sometimes about what my role in life is now that I'm a man! I don't have the history, you know, of growing up male! I have to learn it as I go along. I've learned a lot since my transformation, let me tell you! But I think one of the hardest parts is learning to be happy. And that is something that Doctor Z has taught me. I have to be happy for myself. Nobody else can keep me happy and it doesn't matter if I'm a man or a woman - the lesson is still the same." "Yes, I know," she replied. "It's one of his biggest things to teach in therapy. So - tell me," she said, "What's it like to have a penis?" If you at all guessed that Ella wasn't going to let me off the hook concerning my male appendage you'd be right. I never felt so cornered by someone in all my life! I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye and realized that I'd have done the same thing in her position. I'd have persisted just like she was! I'd be dying to know myself if didn't have the luxury of first hand knowledge! Then it dawned on me that she presented yet another opportunity for me to get all of my frustrations out of my system. And I decided to share my experience with her. "Having a penis Ella, isn't all that you might think its cracked up to be!" I said. "Oh really?" she asked with raised a raised brow. I nodded. "Yeah, all you women think it'd be so great to be able to stand while you take a piss; to be able to make it get all hard and then still harder. You want to know what it is like Ella," I asked slowly. "Well," she said, "I've only been waiting for the juicy part for almost an hour now! Of course I want to know!" I laughed and sat back against the back of the kitchen chair I was seated on. "Having a penis can be a pain in the ass!" I said. "A penis can have a mind of its own - at the worst possible moments. When I'm aroused - I'M AROUSED! There's not any in between - it's either on or off! And once I get started it can be very difficult to - ah, how should I put it? Put on the brakes. A penis is a very demanding organ - it can be relentless. Many times I've had to put on the brakes as a result of over visual stimulation. It's almost like my penis has eyes!" I explained. Ella began to laugh uncontrollably at this point; soon she had tears falling from her eyes. "I'm totally serious, Ella!" I shouted over her laughter. I wasn't at all pleased with her laughter. I mean, wasn't she really talking to a woman who was telling her like it really is to be a man, to have a penis; and here she was laughing hysterically? "I'm sorry," she finally said after wiping away the tears from her face. "It's just that your remark about your penis having eyes of its own really - well, don't they call it the one eyed snake for a reason?" She had me there. Of course I'd heard that label for a man's toy before, long before I ever owned one myself; so I suppose my summation of my personal observations concerning my own erector set were right on the mark. "You're right, Ella. I suppose I haven't said anything you haven't heard about a man's organ before" I explained. Indeed what had I told her about it that had been such a secret? Wasn't it common knowledge that men fall asleep right after sex? Wasn't it also common knowledge that all men seem to think about is sex; that they are easily aroused? Wasn't it also common knowledge that men can achieve an orgasm much easier than women? So what had I really told Ella that was so damn secret, so unheard of? I had to pause a moment and think about it. Of all the physical and emotional things that are connected to my genitals what was the most powerful male trait that I had discovered as a former woman now in a man's body? "Ella," I said, "Of all the things someone like me can tell you about men the one most important observation that I have is this: My penis, in fact any man's penis acts like a homing beacon in search of the female's vagina. When I'm inside a woman it feels like home! I know you've probably heard that before too, but it's the truth. It's such an overwhelming feeling of being home!" "I thought you'd say something like that," she remarked. She seemed to be somewhat disappointed in what I had said. "What do you want a play by play description?" I asked sarcastically. Ella smiled ruefully and nodded. "Ella!" "Well...!" she said. "Alright!" I said, "If you absolutely must know! An orgasm for a man is downright explosive! They're great! But they only encompass one point of my body - my penis. Unlike a woman who's body gives her multiple orgasms if she is lucky enough to have an orgasm in the first place; men usually only have the one orgasm with each 'performance'. And after the 'performance' I can tell you from first hand knowledge that I have no control over my body putting me to sleep. It's completely natural for a man to fall asleep after sex, Ella. We just can't help it." Ella nodded and continued to look at me intently. "What does it feel like?" she asked me. "I just told you," I said. She shook her head. "No, what I mean is - what did it feel like to have a part of you inside another person the first time?" My torso jerked back at her words. We were getting awfully intimate. I sighed. "Ella," I said, "at first it was quite foreign to me to feel that hot, silky wetness surround my penis. And then the sensation engulfed me - as it always does! I felt like I was home after a very, very long trip!" My inquisitor seemed to be satisfied with my answer. I was relieved to say the least! I was beginning to get a little bit concerned about the kinkiness of our conversation. She was Doctor Z's assistant after all. But she was also a normal grown woman who was intensely curious about something you'd never think you would actually get to ask someone about. I understood where she was coming from. At least I thought I did until she asked me: "So tell me more about the first time you had sex as a man with a woman. Did she like it?" "Ella!" I admonished. To tell you the truth I wasn't completely horrified with her request; but like I said, even I have my limits. "I'm not sorry," she said to me, "it's just so damn tempting!" I nodded my agreement. "I'm sorry, Ella. But a gentleman doesn't tell." To tell you the truth I had no idea if a gentleman did or not; but it seemed like the right thing to say at the moment. Besides, my sex life was my sex life. I'll be damned if I was going to reveal every little sordid detail of my first romp in the hay with a woman just to satisfy somebody else's voyeurism. And that is what it really was - Ella's voyeurism. I totally understood her voyeurism of course on two levels: one I had been a female for over thirty years, and two: I had used the machine to satisfy my own sense of voyeurism. Think about it! I became a voluptuous woman, a black man, a gay man, a handsome man with an athletic build all to satisfy my own voyeurism. I wanted to know what it was like to actually BE those 'people'; to feel what it was like to be in their skins; to experience what society had to say about being one of the 'beautiful people' before I got stuck inside the body I have. I looked at the body I now have in the bedroom mirror. As much as I hate to admit it - I'm still very much stunned by my own image. I know it might sound hard to believe but it's the truth; inhabiting my former female self seems like it was a million years ago. And yet when I look in the mirror I'm still surprised sometimes that the stud in the mirror is me. I flex my arms and the short sleeves of the white tee shirt strain to contain the bulging head of my biceps muscles. I hear a sudden whistle from behind me and quickly drop my arms to my side. "Impressive!" It was Ella. She'd been after me to give her a show. A bodybuilding show - a one man bodybuilding show! But I'd always politely declined her requests. I just didn't feel comfortable prancing about nearly naked and flexing all of my muscles; and besides - it's truly exhausting! "Hello Ella," I said, "how are you today?" She shrugged a shoulder and gave me a curious look. "I'm fine, I suppose. But I sure am gonna miss you!" she said. It had only been three weeks since I arrived at the compound; and besides Doctor Z, Ella had been my only other contact besides the residents. "I'll miss you too!" I replied with a smile. And indeed I would. I would miss our nearly daily conversations about how I was doing with my recovery, politics, music, art, movies, and life in general. I really liked Ella. She is twelve years older than I am physically anyway. In reality she was just only a few years older than I was as a woman. And we seemed to really connect despite or maybe it's because I'd been a woman before. I don't know. All I know is that it really felt good to have someone else to talk to and not worry about every little word or if I was being masculine enough in their presence. "I've never been to the Big Apple," she said. "And I've always wanted to go there." I could see where this was heading and I didn't object to it. "Well, Ella," I said, "come and visit me sometime and I'll show you the sights." She smiled at me suddenly and her entire demeanor changed; like a Christmas tree that had been suddenly plugged in; her face lit up! "Really?" she asked. I nodded. "Of course, Silly! You're my friend, right?" "Yes" she said excitedly. "Yes, I am!" "Well, then come over here and give me a hug!" It felt good to have a woman in my arms again; even if she was just a friend. I cut our embrace when I felt my penis begin to engorge. I didn't want Ella to get the wrong idea. "I mean that now!" I said. "You could stay with me so it wouldn't be so expensive. Fix it up with Doctor Z to get some time away and come to the city. We'll have a blast!" She hugged me again quickly. "I'd love to! But I would have to clear it with Doctor Z first. The government frowns on socialization with the patients of the compound." "But I'm not a patient of the compound," I said, "not anymore!" She looked away from me momentarily and then back again. "I'm afraid that doesn't matter when it comes to the federal government," she explained. "I see," I said sadly. "I'll understand if you can't make it because of your job. I wouldn't want you to risk your job." "I'll let you know, Justin." "Do that," I said. It would give me a reason to check my email everyday I thought. And we parted ways later that day; the doctor, Ella and I. Tuesday November 20th Later that day... My arrival back in the city was a surprise to both Claudia and Jack. I caught up with Jack at the gym and hung out until he was finished with his shift. I'd also put myself back on the schedule rotation. I would resume my work schedule the day after Thanksgiving. Seeing the pregnant Claudia was a real treat; my how she had grown in just three short weeks! It also felt good to give my sister-in-law a hug. Jack hugged me fiercely and told me we would go out for a beer later. Of course this was code for us; whenever either one of us needed to talk that is what we would say in mixed company. And unfortunately Claudia was mixed company. Claudia's concern for her brother-in-law was plain to see on her face. She insisted that I tag along with her and Jack to her parents home for Thanksgiving dinner. She refused to take no for an answer and that is where I spent my Thanksgiving. I won't bother these pages with that - the meal was excellent, her folks and family are wonderful people and they really seem to like Jack - which is the most important thing as far as I'm concerned anyway. I get ahead of myself here a bit. I mentioned that Jack and I had a code between us. I we did go out for a beer that first night I was home. If felt great to lay eyes on my brother Jack! He has taken recently to wearing very loose fitting sweatshirts and jeans most of the time since the beginning of the fall. Of course I knew that underneath it was perhaps a tee shirt as well; bodybuilders don't have much fat on their bones to help keep them warm. He looked good as he sat there in the booth across from me. He was a massive mound of blue with his blue sweatshirt and jeans; but I didn't care! He's my Jack! He's my brother! I found myself spilling my guts to him. If anyone deserved to know the facts it was Jack. I told him everything; including my conversations with Ella. "I can't believe you told her!" he said. "Why not?" I said, "You should see what she deals with everyday at the compound. It'd blow you away, Jack!" "I'm sure it would, Bro. I'm just surprised you shared your secret with her," he explained. "That's just it," I said, "There are no secrets to be kept at the compound. Doctor Z already knows about us. And besides, she too, already knew about me from my last visit." Jack nodded his head. "I'm glad I told her, Jack. It gives us both someone else to talk to. And what's really great about it is Ella can give us a different perspective on things. She seems to have a really good head on her shoulders, Jack." "Still," he said, "what if she decides to tell somebody else?" I looked at him a moment and smiled. "Jack," I said, "if you had seen what I have at the compound with your own eyes you realize that two women changing their sex is not a big deal by any stretch of the imagination!" "I know you told me," he said, "all about the weird people that live there, Justin. It's just that she works for the government. How do we know she's not really just keeping tabs on us?" "We don't," I said. And really I didn't, but Ella didn't strike me as the type that would be that duplicitous. I just didn't get that vibe from her. Jack shrugged his huge shoulders and finished his beer. "I'm just thankful you're alright, Bro," he said as he wiped the beer froth from his lips with a swipe of his sweatshirt's sleeve. That's my Jack! Too manly to use a fucking napkin! ******************************************** I soon fell back into my regular routine once again. I worked my full time shift at the gym and picked up a few modeling jobs for the extra cash. The only thing different now is the fact that I now have to take an anti-depressant everyday until further notice. And oh yeah, I will be seeing Doctor Z in about three months for a follow up visit somewhere here in the city; probably at the same clinic where he first examined Jack and I a long time ago. I've yet to hear from Ella via email about her visiting me however. Well tonight is the last night of 2007 and what a year it has been for me and Jack! I'm so happy for him it isn't funny. And I feel almost like my old self again. I've been working out again and I even went on a date with a woman Claudia fixed me up with! It was just one date, but still - it was a date! It's high time I get back in the saddle - and be a man again! So tonight I'm going to Times Square for the first time in years on New Year's Eve! It used to scare me as a female being around so many people - I feared for my physical safety. Not anymore! Tuesday January 1st New Year's Day 2008 Doesn't everyone make a New Year's Resolution? Well I did! My past resolutions were the usual: Lose weight. Take an expensive vacation somewhere. I even vowed to find Mr. Right one year! And now I was someone's Mr. Right - hopefully. Notice I said hopefully. I never intend to forget what Doctor Z told me about happiness. That's my biggest New Year's resolution yet! I have to make happiness for myself within myself before I can attract that right someone to me who likes me for me. Have you ever heard it said that true character comes from the ability to be oneself - at all times? Well, it is easier said than done in today's world. Last night at Times Square I was pawed by this woman who wanted to take me home and well... you know. I really pissed her off when I refused her invitation; of course her being drunk at the time had no influence on my answer... Claudia and Jack spent last night at home watching a movie and not much more. Today I spent alone writing on these pages. I joined Jack and Claudia for dinner at their place and we watched a movie. You haven't lived until you've seen 'Rocky 5' or was it 6? Anyway it wasn't very good; Sly Stallone just looks older, angrier, and more determined to win. I won't ruin it for you should you wish to see it. But I don't really recommend it. It was a fairly boring holiday this year as New Year's Eve goes; but I look forward to much better ones. Thursday January 31st 2008 It's been a month since New Year's Eve. It's also been a month since I last engaged these pages. Work has been going just fine at the gym. Jack's impending fatherhood in five months is taking its toll on my relationship with him. I seem to have even less time with him than I did before Claudia and he got married; and now with the pregnancy? Don't get me wrong here in the least little bit! I'm very happy for Jack and Claudia, ecstatic actually; but it also serves to magnify the hole in my own life. It has been very difficult not to go chasing some long legged beauty - that's what society's programming does for you if you don't follow the herd and be like everyone else - it makes it difficult. I don't know how many times I've been asked by Jack, Claudia, somebody at the gym, or what have you if I'm seeing someone. In other words - have I moved on since Joy - the answer to that question is yes, and no. I can't say yet that I'm happy inside. I take my medication everyday and I pump iron and eat right. I also have a small circle of friends that I see; mostly other guys that I either workout with, play basketball with or go have beers with. Some of these guys I used to train at the gym. I've come to know them fairly well and them me. So I suppose I shouldn't be surprised when the people who care about me want to see me happy in the same way that they are happy - with somebody else at their side. But I'm interested in building a different kind of building when it comes to the rest of my life. I am not interested in the type of serial monogamy that I see going on around me. It seems to me that some folks just use whoever they are with to combat loneliness; or they marry for money and see someone else on the side. I'll never forget the awful truth and I do mean the awful truth about a friend of a friend of mine back when I was Justine. Apparently if there hadn't been a medical emergency for one of her children her husband would never have found out that none of his three kids were his! They all had been fathered by the woman's lovers. I couldn't believe it! This woman had perpetrated the most immoral of all things immoral upon another human being - she'd lied about the parentage of her children and allowed not only her husband but his entire family to think they'd all become a father, grandparents, and aunts and uncles. This is an extreme case mind you; but I'm sure you see my point - being married is not the ultimate accomplishment in life. If it were maybe there wouldn't be so damn many divorces? Being a father isn't either when you can father a child at twelve! I know I'm rambling here; but I'm sure that you see my point about character and about the courage to be yourself at all times. Thursday February 14th 2008 We all know what today is. Some of us single people call it 'Singles Reminder Day'. Indeed. Society is really something isn't it? The answer to the question on everyone's mind is: No I don't have a date for tonight. Or better put - I don't have a relationship to celebrate tonight. But I think I've found my groove as far as being happy within myself. Understand its not an overnight process at all learning to be happy in the moment; but once you start to get the hang of it you realize that you can't control the future and the past is dead; so all you have left is the present and you may as well do your best to live in the present and be happy. The past is past and the future will take care of itself. Oh, I'm not saying at all that you can't plan for your future. I do plan for my future; but the difference is in the dance. I'm learning to dance to the beat of life. I'm learning to listen more intently to my guts than I ever have before. Sunday March 17th 2008 St. Patrick's Day Green beer anyone? Yes, it's St. Patrick's Day in the Big Apple! And I have a blind date with a woman by the name of Jill. She is a friend of a friend of Claudia's. I didn't have the heart to tell the ever expanding mother to be no. All I know is that she is about my age, a looker, and interested in nutrition and works as a physical therapist. Claudia has assured me that the woman does know that I'm a bodybuilder; you'd be surprised how many women think it a turn off for a guy to have big muscles. Monday March 18th 2008 I'm so hung over I took the day off of work! I had a blast yesterday with Jill. We talked and talked a lot about working out, nutrition, her job as a physical therapist and mine as a personal trainer. Jill is a looker, as I said. She is blonde, with green eyes and much looks like Jessica Simpson when it comes to her body! I hate to admit it but I got a boner the first time I laid eyes on her. She seemed to really like me as well; but we will see where the river of life takes us. Monday April 1st 2008 Do you remember the last April Fools Day? Claudia and I played a joke on Jack about her being pregnant - and now that she is for real I had to come up with some other way to get Jack! Claudia brainstormed with me but neither of us could come up with anything original. Claudia, I should add, at seven months is as big as a house! Of course I didn't tell her that; but she is! Even as Justine I'd always thought pregnancy looked like it hurts; and now as Justin I'm even surer! Yikes! But I am getting off track. The thing is about playing an April fool's joke between Jack and I is that it has to be fucking great. No pansy ass shit for us! So, that's why all the brainstorming. That's why I had no choice to let it go when I couldn't think of something great. It was better to do nothing at all if you couldn't think of something fucking great! So that's what I did - I let it go. And I shouldn't have! I was at work waiting for a customer to arrive for a training session when one of the girls from the front desk came into our office and told me somebody was waiting out front to see me. "I'll be right there," I said, as I finished up some paper work. I walked through the gym to the front entrance and my jaw hit the floor. Waiting at the entrance was an Agent. He stuck out in his black suit like a dead flower in a bouquet of roses. I walked up to him slowly and nodded my head in acknowledgement of his presence. "I'm Justin Gray," I said, as I walked up and shook his hand. It no longer felt weird to me to greet other men by shaking their hands. The agent nodded and looked at me closely for a second or two. "Is there something wrong?" I asked. He paused before finally speaking. "I'm afraid you will have to come with me, sir," he said. I looked at him and then at Jack whose face had a look of surprise on it. "But why?" I asked suddenly very concerned. I thought of Ella, Doctor Z, all I'd seen at the compound and I began to get a little frightened. "I'm afraid I can't answer that, sir," he said. His demeanor was cold, detached. I didn't like this one bit. "Where is it you want to take me?" I asked. "I'm afraid I can't answer that either," he said. I looked at Jack for a moment and the look of surprise now turned into concern. "Him too," I heard the agent say as I was looking at Jack. Jack's concern now turned to annoyed anger. "What the fuck is this all about?" asked Jack. "Yeah," I said, "we deserve some sort of explanation before we go anywhere with you." "I'm sorry," said the agent, "I can't divulge that information. It's classified." We soon found ourselves both inside a limo being blindfolded by the agent's partner. Our destination was a government secret. "What the hell is going on here Jack?" I said more to myself than to him. I didn't see the point in us being picked up! We hadn't done anything wrong - at least not to my knowledge. Jack had Claudia to think about now; and besides there was no way he'd get mixed up in anything that the Agents would have anything to do with even if he hadn't. But still, it bothered me greatly that they'd showed up at work like they did and risked breaking our 'cover'. "Probably just a few questions is all," he said as we continued on our way. We rode in silence for what seemed like forever before the car came to a stop. "You can take off your blindfolds now," one of the Agents said. I reached up and yanked the annoying fabric from my eyes and looked out of the car windows. I recognized the surroundings immediately. We were back at the compound. We were both escorted back to Doctor Z's house by the same two huge bodyguards that had last escorted me to the same destination. This marks my third visit to the mysterious place; but this time it had been unwillingly. I thought long and hard about the reasons for our visit and came up empty handed. I wasn't scheduled to see - oops! Somehow I had managed to miss my follow up appointment with Doctor Z! But why bring Jack along for the ride? And I thought the appointment for our follow up visit was going to be in New York? Again, I came up empty handed as to why. We walked in silence as we approached the doctor's home. His car was parked in the driveway and a light was on inside. It was late afternoon when the bodyguards suddenly stopped their pace and turned and told us to go ahead inside. What they weren't following us all the way inside? Puzzled, I turned and looked at Jack. He just shrugged his shoulders and threw up his massive arms. "I don't know," he said, "I've never been here before!" I looked back at the house. It was a familiar place. It didn't frighten me in the least. Our escorts had taken their leave of us and headed back to their vehicle. We were on our own. I sighed and said: "Come on" as I started for the doctor's front door. A part of me was excited to be back to see the good doctor and Ella; and another part wanted to run back to New York and be anonymous! Imagine that, I, a male model, and a professional bodybuilder wanted to blend into the crowd? My days of being able to be anonymous have long since gone - both Jack and I stick out in a crowd when it comes to our physiques compared to regular men. The trepidation from within grabbed at my guts. Why were we here? I walked up to the door and rang the door bell. I heard a noise and then a voice. "Be right there." It was the Doctor. I smiled at Jack as I heard the lock turn and the door open. The doctor looked exactly as I had left him nearly four months ago. He looked like anyone's grandfather - warm, friendly, and graying. Did I tell you he was short? Well he is; about five foot four if he's lucky. He's also thin; and for some reason he never developed the tell tale sign of being over forty - a tummy with love handles. "Hello Justin and you must be Jack!" he said as he waved us inside and held the door open for us. "Hello Doctor Z," I said as I stepped into his living room. I turned around just in time to see Jack and the doctor shake hands. "It's good to see you again, Jack," said the doctor. Jack nodded his head but remained silent. He looked somewhat nervous if the truth be told. "Why have we been brought here, Doctor Z?" I asked; getting right to the point. Indeed, I was beyond curious and just a little bit annoyed. The doctor paused momentarily and looked at us both. He suddenly took on an air of professionalism and looked at Jack, then at me. "I understand you're going to be a father young lady," he said to Jack. I looked at Jack who bristled at being called a 'young lady' and then puffed up his massive chest. I motioned for him to relax and looked at the doctor once again. The look of seriousness on his face made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Who told the good doctor about Jack's impending fatherhood? All during my stay that's one thing I never told either the doctor or Ella. I hadn't been in the best of shape when I'd arrived and when I finally started to get better my mind had been reeling with what I'd discovered to be living at the compound. Long story short; I never even thought about telling those at the compound about Claudia's pregnancy. "I'm afraid that can't be allowed," the doctor said gravely. For a moment the air was heavy in the room; the silence was deafening. "What?" said Jack suddenly. "Yeah," I said, "you're a little bit too late" "Not for an abortion," explained the doctor. "Fuck that!" said Jack hotly and took a step towards the doctor. "You'll never lay a hand on her!" he shouted. "Jack!" I shouted. "Don't do something you'll regret!" I suddenly put myself between the doctor and my brother. It just seemed like the right thing to do. I put my arms out and pressed against Jack's shoulders to keep him from getting any closer to the doctor. My heart began to pound in my chest. Jack was and most likely always would be the GI Joe to my Barbie's pretty boy Ken. In other words: Jack could beat the piss out of me if he wanted to. Jack seemed to posses a certain fierceness that made it easy to place a bet on without losing your shirt. I pushed harder against my brothers shoulders; there was little give. Jack was as strong as a bull! "Jack," I said, "calm down! He won't do it! We won't let him! I promise!" Jack growled and pushed against me with a force I was slowly succumbing to. Would he kill Doctor Z? I knew Jack was capable of many things; but murder? My mind began to reel with thoughts of Claudia and the baby if Jack succeeded in murdering the doctor. They'd - we'd all have to go into hiding from the government! Of course I'd have to go with them. They were my family! And I so very much wanted my niece or nephew to know their uncle Justin. "Doctor!" I said. "Over my dead body will you perform an abortion!" I heard the beginning of laughter from behind me and I looked into Jack's eyes. A huge smile grew on his handsome features and soon he too was laughing. So that's how Jack got me back for last year's April fool's joke. How did the doctor know of Claudia's pregnancy? When I failed to make my appointment with him via an Agent escort to some clinic in New York the doctor stopped by the gym and met up with Jack. The rest is as they say - history! Jack and I spent the next several hours visiting the good doctor. I was even allowed to take Jack on a short tour of the compound - well, what I could show him of it from the doctor's yard! Jack had to be happy viewing the residents from a distance as he really shouldn't have been there at all. His jaw dropped and dropped still further each time he spied one of the community's members. "Now do you believe me?!" I finally said to him. "I always did, Bro," he replied flatly. When we returned to say our goodbyes to Doctor Z Ella was waiting. "Hi!" she said with a big smile on her pretty face. "Hey" I said and stepped over to her and gave her a hug. She hadn't changed a bit in the months since I'd last seen her. "Sorry to have to break this to you," she said. "But I can't make those arrangements that we spoke of earlier." "Oh," I said, suddenly feeling somewhat awkward. I released her from my embrace and stepped back. Her expression clearly was one of disappointment. "I understand," I said. And I did. She eyed Jack and I caught the flicker of recognition cross her face. I turned to my brother and said, "Jack, this is Ella, she's Doctor Z's assistant. Ella, this is my brother Jack." Ella looked at Jack and smiled. To her credit she didn't stumble over her words or stick her foot in her mouth. "Nice to meet you, finally," she said, "I've heard a lot about you." Jack's brow rose noticeably and then he gave me a look of concern. "Oh, relax!" admonished Ella. "It was all good!" Jack laughed heartily and shook Ella's frail hand in his beefy grip. "It's indeed good to meet you too, Ella," he said. "Doctor Z has told me quite a bit about the both of you, actually" she explained. I smiled and watched as Doctor Z began to look visibly embarrassed. "Now, Ella!" Doctor Z said, "Let's not make our guests uncomfortable." I knew for a fact that where Ella was concerned she'd push it to the max. She was just plain too curious. I knew she was dying to ask Jack some of the same questions about his transformation experience that she'd asked me. And I also knew for a fact that Jack most likely wouldn't appreciate it. He thought she was some sort of spy for the Agents - which I suppose was a possibility. I cau