MAU: Painting The Town Pink -- Part 2 - Enter The MAU free porn video

I must have dozed off for a few minutes then, because the next thing I remember is Jerry shaking me and saying, "Mike! Mike!" over and over again. I opened my eyes. I had slid part way down on the seat of Julia's pickup truck. Jerry was standing outside the open passenger door. When he saw I was awake he grinned hugely embraced me. I pushed him away roughly. My head and face still hurt like the devil, and opening my jaw was agony, but at least I was thinking clearly again. "What the hell, Jerry!?" "Sorry, sorry," he said apologetically, backing away with his hands held open in front of him. "Don't mean to weird you out. I'm just so happy you woke up. I've heard one's not supposed to let someone with a concussion fall asleep, and I didn't mean to but... Anyway, can you walk? If you can't I'm strong enough to carry you, now." Strong enough to carry me, now? What the heck was that supposed to mean? I sat up and stepped carefully out of the cab. "I can walk just fine." Mostly true, although I felt a little like throwing up, and the edge of my vision was darkening in time with my heartbeat. I'd be all right if I took it slow. I looked around. We were parked in front of Julia's house. "Why'd you bring me here, anyway? My parents are going to be worried sick. Probably call off the trip or something. And -" I looked closely at him. "What is up with you and Julia? Why are you driving her car and, and, carrying her purse and stuff? What's going on?" Jerry gestured at Julia's house. "Explaining would take a long time, and you would still require proof before you believed me. Just come up to my - er, I mean Julia's bedroom with me and I'll show you everything. *And* Julia's up there. Or will be in a minute." I frowned at him. That slip of the tongue - "my, I mean Julia's bedroom." And he did look a little like her. The way he stood and moved, his gestures, the way he talked. I'd always understood Julia to be an only child, just her and her dad living here in this house since her mom died a few years ago, and I'd never heard of any relatives. But Jerry must be somehow related. "Fine," I said. "I'll go up to her room and you can tell me what's going on." With an expression of relief he walked over to the front door and unlocked it. I followed slowly, trying to keep my legs from giving way beneath me. Jack had really done a number on me. If Jerry hadn't shown up to save me, my worst fears about permanent disablement or death would probably have come true. Jerry was standing beside the door to Julia's room when I got there, a look of barely contained excitement on his face. He waited till I was in front of the door, then swung it open with a grand gesture and motioned me in. As I stepped inside I saw an extremely weird object standing in the middle of the room. It was a silver box, shaped like an old telephone booth, about seven feet high and three or four feet wide. On the side facing me was a small screen about half way up, with a red crystal beside it. Next to that was what looked like a three fingered claw print sunk into the metal. Jerry shut the door and walked over to the device, grinning broadly. "So here it is, the MAU. At least that's what I call it, M.A.U, 'Magical Alteration Unit'. Remember I told you Julia would be here in a minute?" I nodded, trying to fathom the box. What was it, a prop from some science fiction movie? It would right at home on a Star Trek set. "Well she is here already, sort of." "She's in the box?" I asked hopefully. "Noooo... She's me. That is, I'm her. Er, I better just show you." He placed his hand on the red crystal and the screen lit up. The figure of a naked woman appeared on it, and he stared at it intently for a few moments as it rotated back and forth and up and down. I stepped closer. It looked like a naked picture of Julia. "And let me just change into something more comfortable..." He withdrew his hand from the crystal as one whole side of the box suddenly vanished, revealing a hollow, strangely shadowed interior. My jaw dropped at the sight. Jerry flashed me another quick grin, just like Julia when she was happy about something, then stepped inside. The wall flicked back into existence. "Holly crap!" I said. It seemed an understatement. Real high tech magic, right in front of me. Every geek's dream, a reality. God, I hoped I wasn't lying unconscious or dying on a street corner somewhere while my mind imagined this. Please god, let it be real. The wall flickered again, and Julia stepped out. Completely naked. My jaw dropped again, further than before. She was unbelievably beautiful, from her face with it's quirky upturned nose and the big blue eyes framed by her brown hair, to her wonderful breasts, full and rounded with pink nipples, down through her narrow waist, to her legs, slim and long, legs up to her eyeballs as the saying went. My gaze dropped, and I noticed avidly that her pubic hair was trimmed into a neat triangle. My groin stirred, and I felt my penis become painfully, tenting out my pants. I snapped my gaze back up to her face as she laughed merrily, spinning around in a circle in front of me. My mouth worked soundlessly for a moment before I gasped out, "What, uhh what...?" "I thought you'd like that." She cupped her breasts in her hands, hefting them, and looked down at them with an expression of satisfaction. "I'm sure glad to have the girls back again." "You - you changed into - you were Jerry?" Things started to click into place. That would explain where Jerry came from, why he acted so weird, where Julia went. That is, if the world had suddenly gone crazy. Then it would make perfect sense. She smiled again. "Exactly! I found this thing the day before yesterday, out in the back yard in a crater. Must have fallen from the sky like a meteor. Been trying it out ever since." "So some sort of UFO or something dropped it?" She nodded. "That's my best guess. Sure doesn't come from anywhere on earth." "How does it work? What exactly can it do?" She grasped my hand and pulled me over to the screen. "Here, I'll show you. In fact, you should use it now. Get your injuries fixed up." She put my hand on the red crystal and the screen lit up again. A naked image of my body appeared on it. I looked horrible, covered in cuts and bruises. "It reads your mind," she said, stepping back. "Just imagine what you want to look like and it will appear on the screen. Anything at all, as long as it's safe to assume that form. I think it's got safety things build into it." The possibilities boggled the mind. I concentrated, willing the cuts and bruises to disappear, and my skin in the picture was suddenly smooth and undamaged. Would I like to change something else? Your damn right I would! I'd make Jack think twice about even looking at me funny. I thought of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and watched in amazement as muscles and definition bloomed across my skinny frame. Now the image had Schwarzenegger's face, though. I wanted to be me, only big and muscular. I concentrated and the figure's face changed back into mine. I noticed the crotch was empty. I didn't generally imagine Schwarzenegger's genitals when I thought of him, and so the picture on the screen was sexless. I filled in the blank space with my package, enlarging it a bit to fit in with the rest of the body. This was so awesome! I took my hand off the crystal and heard a slight hum as left side wall of the device vanished. "Now you just step inside," said Julia. "There's another crystal in there, and when you touch it the wall will reappear and the MAU will change you, then let you back out." I paused for a moment at the threshold of the box, trying to penetrate the strange shifting shadows that obscured the interior. Should I really do this? I stepped inside. What the hell, it was insane, but then so was the world, apparently. Once inside, I could see a red crystal part way up one wall. And that was about all. The interior of the box seemed to resist examination. I hesitated an instant before touching the crystal. The light went out as the wall reappeared, I felt a moment of disorientation, then the wall vanished again and I stepped out. My reflection greeted me in the full length mirror mounted on the door. Julia was standing beside it looking at me with a queer, almost disappointed expression, but I barely saw her as I examined my new self. I was huge. Bulging muscles, massive abs, I really did look like an olympic body builder, with my head stuck on top. Or perhaps only my face, since my head was to scale with the rest of my body. My muscles weren't the only huge things, either. I might have gone a little overboard with the upsizing of my package. My penis was still erect, and now it must have been almost two feet long and four or five inches thick. Yep, a little impractical. But decidedly cool. I flexed my arms, feeling the muscles bulge and ripple under my skin, then struck a pose, arms down, abs flexed, legs turned out to best show the musculature. It's an awesome feeling, after spending seventeen years as a skinny, weak little kid, to suddenly have the raw physical power that it takes a lifetime of training and discipline to achieve. Julia cleared her throat. "Why...? Well, I guess I can understand why. After a run in like you had today, anyone would want to have the kind this kind of body." I looked at her, taking in the curves of her flesh, the smooth tanned sheen of her skin. I was surprised at her comment. "You don't like it? Isn't this the sort of thing women look for in a man?" She grinned crookedly, and walked towards me until her breasts were almost touching my abs. The view was breathtaking, rather literally since I felt my breath grow short. "Women? Everyone's different, Mike. Even us women. I mean, I can admire the development of this body" - she ran a hand lightly over my chest, down my arm, then dropped it down to my groin and grasped my cock. Her touch was like fire on it, and I felt myself grow even stiffer. I was a virgin, of course, and this was the first time anyone but myself had handled my manhood. Her hand looked strange on it, so very small, like an optical illusion, and when I placed my hand over hers I saw the same was true of my own. "But you used to go out with Jack," I said. She grimaced, took her hand away from my member. "Yes, I went out with Jack. It's the expected thing to do, and peer pressure is a powerful thing. But I went out with you, too, Mike. Remember? And I can assure that there was no peer pressure behind that. I like you. I don't like Jack, and this kind of thing doesn't really turn me on." "And really -" she reached back down and grasped my penis, rubbed her hand down it, pulling the foreskin back from the great head. A shudder went through my body at the sensation. "That thing isn't too useful at this size. I don't think I could even fit it inside me. I mean I guess I could change my body in the MAU so I could take it - but like I said, it's not my kind of thing. Understand?" I nodded. For a moment a horrible notion went through my mind. I could force her, overpower her with my new strength. I felt my gorge rise and turned partially away from her. Was that thought really a part of who I was? "I really think your first time should be with normal male or female genitals, Mike, not some outsized porn fantasy." Yep, I had told her I was a virgin. Not much of a secret, that. Wait, what did she mean, "normal male or female genitals"? "Besides," she said. "We should get back to your parents before they call the. And you can't very well go like that, can you?" My parents! My god, I had forgotten all about them. If I wasn't back soon, and soon meaning right now, all kinds of bad things would happen. And they mustn't cancel the trip or make me come along. I had to explore what could be done with this wonderful piece of alien magic. Already I could feel implications, possibilities tickling the edges of my mind. "Your right," I said. "We need to get back there right now." "Good." She walked up the screen and laid her hand on the crystal for a few seconds, then stepped into the MAU. A moment later she stepped out, fully clothed in a blue tank top and bell legged jeans. "That thing can make clothes, too?" I asked, surprised. "But why did you come out naked before?" She flashed me a dazzling smile. "I thought you could use a little pick me up after Jack. Cmon, get yourself back into your proper shape and accouterments and lets go." I touched the crystal and my current body appeared on the screen. "How do I get clothes?" "Same as the rest. Just imagine them on your body." I did as she said, picturing myself fully clothed in what I had been wearing when we arrived, and the image on the screen changed to my specifications. Then I stepped into the device and touched the inner crystal. It felt strange being back in my old body. I missed the strength and power I had briefly had, but it was good being back to normal, too. Some things were even a bit better. For some reason it felt quite a bit easier to walk around, and I noticed as I got into Julia pickup that sitting was very comfortable, more so than normal. Odd. Perhaps when I had imagined my old body I had unconsciously changed something about my spine or hip structure, removed some minor impediment to walking or sitting I hadn't even been aware of. It wasn't until we were almost back to my house that I realized what had really happened. I'd asked Julia why she had been masquerading as Jerry, and was listening with half an ear as she explained that she wanted to experience what it was like being "one of the boys," what the other half did and said when they were alone. Most of my attention was split between thinking of the best way to reassure my parents and get them to leave as soon as possible, and speculating on how the MAU worked and what could be done with it. Did it use some kind of matter energy conversion, like a Star Trek transporter? I had gained a lot of mass when I turned into the Arnold lookalike. We turned onto my street. I saw with satisfaction that the jocks had taken their pickup and left. Good riddance, I thought, and reached down unthinkingly to adjust my underwear. For some reason my boxers had bunched up between my legs. They had never done that before. I put my hand to my crotch, expecting to feel my cock and balls inside my underwear, and felt - nothing. My manhood was gone. There was nothing between my legs but smooth skin. And the underwear, of course, bunched up in the empty space. I couldn't even feel my pubic hair rubbing on the fabric. I shrieked, and pulled down my pants and boxers in a frenzy, exposing my groin. It was just as it had felt through my pants, empty, blank and hairless, not the least vestige of my maleness, just a tiny hole to pee out of. "What the hell!" I screamed. Julia had swerved to the curb, and was looking at my crotch in disbelief. Disbelief, and something else I couldn't quite place. Suddenly she let out a quick, embarrassed giggle and reached over to touch my groin. I slapped at her hand. "Sorry," she said. "But - why did you make yourself sexless?" "Sure as hell not on purpose," I growled. "I just imagined my body with clothes on -" And it hit me. When I had imagined Arnold Schwarzenegger, I hadn't given him anything down there, because it wasn't generally something one thinks about when one imagines someone. Or at least not something I think about when I imagine someone. I guess I probably suppress thinking about that part of people. I had corrected it, then, because I was making changes to a naked representation of my body. But when I imagined myself fully clothed... "Damn, damn, damn! I must have pictured myself without genitals, and since I put clothes over the picture I never notice the change. Damn! Julia, we have to go back, right now." She shook her head. "Back? Why? I mean, that's your house right up there. It would probably take ten or fifteen minutes to get back to my place, make the change, and then drive all the way back here. If we do that you can probably just say goodby to our plans to try the MAU without your parents being around." "But - but - I don't have a cock or balls! It's just a blank space!" "Calm down, Mike. We can go back if you really want, but come on, it's just an hour or so. I've spent my whole life, excepting the last two days, without a penis. It's no big deal. If I were you, I'd just take off those boxers so they don't bind you, pull up your pants, and concentrate on getting your parent off without a hitch. What do you say?" Damn it, but she was right. I couldn't take the time to get my manhood back. I'd just have to stay a eunuch for the moment. God, that was the last thing I'd ever expect to go through my mind. Could this day get any wierder? I shucked off my boxers, pulling them down beneath my trousers and over my shoes, then pulled up and pants and buttoned them. "Good choice," said Julia. She rubbed my empty groin through my pants, pressing them flat against my pubic bone. My crotch looked a lot like a girl's. "You know," she said. "Call me weird but I think you're kinda hot like this." I'd just lost everything that made me a man, and she thought it was hot? That was weird. Of course, she was the one who had spent two days running around in a male body. Hmm... She pulled back out into the street, continuing to rub my crotch. It was a strange feeling, both good and frustrating. On the one hand, I had nothing down there that could get aroused, on the other hand, I was realizing just how much of sexual excitement was in the mind. I might not have a cock, but damn. Julia was rubbing my groin! I also realized that one of the reasons I hadn't noticed the change right off was because my brain still thought I had a cock, and right now I had a monster phantom erection. Not that I had anything to get erect, anymore. And the sensation of still having a penis was fading with each stroke of her hand, as my brain adjusted for the new absence, to my lack of sexual organs. Traitorous brain. I noticed that Julia was breathing heavily as she pulled up behind my parent's green Ford Escape, and looked at her pointedly. What on earth was up with her? She grinned back and stepped down from the cab. I saw my Mom come running out of the front door and got out to meet her. She embraced me, laying a big wet kiss on the cheek. "Cmon, Mom, I'm fine." At least the hug had taken my mind off of my lack of genitals for a few seconds. Now, as Mom held me at arms length, looking me up and down, the knowledge came rushing back like a freight train. I saw Dad walking up, and the space between my legs seemed to shout for attention. I almost believed that he could read my mind, or could see my pants pulling snug against my pubic bone, could tell I was no longer a man. Dad was the only person in at least a two hundred foot radius with a cock and balls, all the rest were girls or a eunuch. In fact, Dad was now the only man in my family, the only person with an attached penis or testicles. And this could be permanent, I suddenly realized. What if something went wrong with the alien machine? What if the government had tracked the UFO or whatever on their radar and stopped by Julia's house and took it off to some lab and I never saw it again. Or what if something as simple happened as its batteries wearing out? It might have been running continuously since Julia first used it the day before yesterday, and maybe it wasn't supposed to! Maybe it was supposed to be shut down between uses. Or maybe it only had enough of a charge for a set number of uses, and I had just used the last. I could be stuck like this for the rest of my life, a dull grey existence, a nothing. I would probably need to take hormones or something to keep from getting health problems, and that would mean I'd still have a sex drive, but I'd never be able to do anything about it. I would never be able to masturbate again, I would never loose my virginity, I would never know what it felt like to slide my erect cock into Julia, into any beautiful woman, would never even be able to orgasm. Mom was saying something, but I couldn't hear it. I felt like I was about to burst into tears. I closed my eyes, reached inside and forced my panic down. Man up! I told myself. And almost burst out laughing. That was the one thing I couldn't do. Could I "man up" now that I wasn't a man? I could use this feeling of almost-hysteria, though. I forced it out, let a wide smile spread across my face. "I'm fine, Mom. Better than fine. Jack didn't get a chance to do anything. In fact, I'll bet he thinks twice before he tries something again. This has all been blown out of proportion." "But honey," said my Mom. "If his whole gang are coming after you like that - Well I think you should come with us, just to be safe. Livia's that bad, it'll be fun. Just get your stuff together, it'll only take a second -" Desperately I looked at Dad. He was looking back and forth between me and Julia with a knowing smile on his face. He laid a hand on Mom's shoulder. "Now, now, Martha, if Mike says it's not serious, it's not serious. Besides, I'm sure he has lots of plans, and going with us now would spoil em. Right, son?" And he winked at me. I felt relief flow over me at his words, and at the same time I cringed slightly. Good old perceptive Dad, best father a body could ask for. Of course, I was no longer equipped to do what he was implying. "Are you sure, honey?" asked Mom. "No plans are worth getting put in the hospital for." God, did she have another thing coming. Getting my manhood back was worth that, and more. I finally got Mom to accept what I wanted, whereupon she drafted me and Julia for the last minute packing rush. I asked Dad about Cody, and he said that he'd been alright. Apparently he and Dave had headed back to their house. "That arm's going to be sore for a while, though," said Dad. While we carried armloads of stuff out to the car (Mom is incapable of taking a trip without packing for a six month stay) I noticed that Julia was acting weird. She couldn't seem to take her eyes off of me, or her hands for that matter - she was taking every opportunity she could to touch me, especially my groin. Every time she walked past me I could hear her breathing get faster, and she looked at me with raw sexual hunger in her eyes. I liked it, of course - it was the stuff of my dearest fantasies to have her lusting for me, but I sure wished she could have felt like that when I could have responded in some way other than mentally. Apparently what made her hot for me was that I had been unmanned and was now incapable of entering her, except with my fingers and tongue. I guess what I'd turned into back in her room was definitely the wrong way to excite her. Was it worth it, I wondered, to loose what made me a man in order to have her so interested in me? In a way it almost was. It sure felt good walking like this. I had never realized how much having a cock and balls restricted the way I walked and sat. I had always had a pretty big package, and now that it was gone it felt kinda good to be rid of the normally useless obstruction. I took a moment when Mom wasn't looking to sit down on the couch and cross my legs. The sense of freedom, the lack of something in the way when I moved, was so strange, so - liberating. I squeezed my crossed legs together, feeling nothing but muscle rubbing against muscle. Nothing to get squished down there, any more. Actually I wasn't completely sure all the difference could really be accounted for by my vanished manhood. It was possible I had slightly altered my hip structure as well. Now that I had a few moments to get used to it, I realized it was incredibly erotic. And it also removed any way to satisfy that feeling. I sure wouldn't want to be stuck like this. I'd bet the novelty would wear off real quick, leaving only the downside. Still, it was an amazing experience to be more turned on than ever before in my life, without the least bulge in my pants to give an outward sign of it. Dad walked into the room, and did a mock double take at finding me there. "Not out helping your girl?" He glanced at my tightly crossed legs and waggled a finger. "If you need to release some tension, head for the bathroom. I can understand why you might with the looks that hottie's been giving you. She's a real catch, son. I proud of you." I smiled sickly, panic in my gut. I was about to be exposed. I couldn't uncross my legs, or it would become obvious that I didn't have even a vestigial boner, and I could feel that my pants were pulled tight against my crotch, which meant if I moved, he would also see that I lacked anything to have a boner with. Fortunately, he apparently put my reaction down to teenage embarrassment. Unfortunately, he sat down beside me and put his hand on my shoulder. Crap. He was going to give me some Advice. "Son, I know we've had The Talk, but I just want to reiterate some key points. First, sex is wonderful, as long as you stay disease free, and as long as you don't get her pregnant." I bit my tongue. Ha! There was precious little chance of that right now. "Second, sex is a mutual thing. Make sure you please the girl as much or more than yourself. Don't try to force her to do anything, and if she changes her mind, just walk away, quickly. You don't want to get mixed up in a legal case. Always do the right thing." Why would he say something like that, I wondered. Did he mean - Suddenly I saw what he was thinking about. He believed Julia was probably interested in me, but he also entertained the possibility that it was all part of some elaborate prank to get me in trouble, to pick on the nerd. "Third, here's a little gift. Stay safe." And he handed me a box of condoms. I took them from him, numbly turned them over in my hands, looking at the instruction illustrations, all pictures of a body part I no longer had. I missed my manhood terribly in that instant. Forget the how good it felt sitting here with my legs crossed, forget how much easier and better it was to walk or run, forget the erotic thrill of being incredibly exited with no way to relieve it. I realized that the main reason it was so exciting wasn't that I had lost my genitals, in fact that was rather depressing. It was that in many ways things were better now that I lacked a cock and balls. Julia was suddenly really interested, in lust for me, like I had always imagined. And it felt so good just to walk and sit, it felt - Gah! I drew my mind back to the box in my hand. The hard truth was that every second that I sat here, it became more likely that I would never have any use for the things in this box, more likely that I would never be able to do anything with a woman but look at her with an impossible to quench longing, touch her with seeking hands that could fill her needs but never my own. I weighed the risk/reward ratio in my mind. Was it really more important to keep the secret, to ensure plenty of time to try out the device, or should I just blow it all, jump up and run out in a desperate bid to regain my masculinity before it was too late? At that moment Mom walked in. I quickly slid the box of condoms down into the cushions, out of sight. "What are you two doing sitting around? We need to get going now, or we'll be driving all night!" Good old Mom, oblivious as usual. Dad grinned at her sheepishly and walked out, and I took advantage of the moment that no one was looking to get up and pull down my pants. However, as I started to leave Mom laid a hand on my arm. "I love you honey. Have fun while we're gone, and be careful." The last word had an edge to it. Then she reached into the sofa cushions and handed me back the condoms. Ok, I thought, watching her retreating back. Not so oblivious. At least not in the normal way. They were both oblivious of the real situation. I made two more trips out to the car, then, as I was heading up stairs for some extra sheets, Julia grabbed me and started kissing me ravenously. Her body was pressed to mine, and I could feel her curves through the intervening cloth, her breasts squashed against my chest, the gentle bulge of her Venus mound shoved into my empty groin. I wished more than anything that I possessed an answering bulge, but of course I did not. And apparently if I had, she wouldn't have been interested, at least not like this. "I couldn't wait another minute," she gasped, dragging me up the stairs. She pulled me into my room, slammed the door, and pushed me down on my bed with her on top, her breath coming in short frantic gulps. If my body had been capable of it I would have orgasmed right then, but there was no part of my body that could orgasm anymore, so I settled for holding her tightly with my arms and legs as she ground her pussy against the blank skin of my groin. The urge to penetrate her, to be inside her was overwhelming. But there was no way - Well, not entirely. I pressed my lips to hers, thrusting my tongue into her mouth, squeezing her even tighter with my arms and legs. The inane thought went through my mind that it was a good thing my manhood was gone, otherwise I wouldn't be able to hold her comfortably with my legs like this, and I giggled slightly. Then thought was drowned in the raw urge to be in her, to cleave to her, to merge, to become one, to break the boundary of the skin. And finally she stiffened against me, her breath coming in moans. She was orgasming. Something that was impossible for me, now. And possibly for the rest of my life. Frustrated, I squeezed her even tighter, grinding her mound even harder against my featureless crotch. It brought me no closer to something that now only existed in my mind, but it seemed to intensify her pleasure. I was still squeezing her limp, spent form, when I heard my Mother's voice echoing up from the front parlor. "Mike? Julia? Where have you two got off to now?" I released Julia, took a moment to get my breath. "Up here, Mom. I was just, uh, showing Julia my room." "Well, get down here! It's time for us to leave, and I want to give you your instructions." Julia flashed me an abashed grin and a "Thanks," before going to the bathroom to get cleaned up. I looked around the room where I had just come so frustratingly close to losing my virginity, so close and yet some impossibly far, and my eyes lit on my collecting of Xena dvds. I let out laugh. In case you don't know, Xena is an old fantasy show featuring two good looking girls traveling the ancient Greek countryside and getting into and out of messes. But what makes it special, or one of the things, is the subtext, the rather obvious off screen lesbian relationship taking place between the two leads. The idea of two girls together had excited me, the raw sexual tension without any masculinity between them. I'd had a crush Gabrielle, Xena's short, blond, well-put-together side kick since I'd first seen the show. And I had just experienced something rather like the lesbian encounters I'd imagined in my mind. Sexual, but with nothing masculine. My mother called again. "Mike? You coming?" "Coming Mom!" God, I couldn't even talk without it reminding me of my condition. I might be "coming," but I sure hadn't been "cuming."