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"Well, are you alone?" Mom greeted me. "No, Bernd is upstairs in my room." "How is he doing?" "It appears he's gone through some hard times." "Yes, that's what the psychologist told me earlier. But how is he now? The psychologist wasn't certain how Bernd would react if he saw another boy in a skirt." "At first he didn't say anything about it. But he seems pretty sensitive about things when it comes to feminine clothing." "No wonder, he was forced to do quite a bit. How has he acted?" "He's rather nice; I like him. I told him my story, now he had begun to tell me his." "No problems? No fit of rage? The psychologist warned me. You'd best not get him involved with anything feminine." "So far he appears completely normal." "Astonishing. But be careful. Better put on some pants. Even better take off your make-up." I heard my name called from upstairs. I went to the staircase and called up: "Yes?" "Can I wear a pair of your shoes?" I answered without thinking. "Sure. Are you going to come downstairs then? I'd like to introduce you to Mom." "I'll be right there." Mom looked at me in surprise. "That was Bernd?" I nodded. "What does he want with your shoes?" "No idea. You can ask him when he comes down." We hadn't long to wait. While Mom went to change, I saw Bernd come down the stairs. After Mom's intimations I was surprised to see him in the outfit I had laid out for him. With it he was wearing a pair of college- shoes with high block heels. Precisely the ones I always wore with that clothing. Now he was wearing his hair in a high ponytail, which made him appear even more feminine. And he had also put on a little make-up. Not much, a little mascara and lip gloss. I wished I looked as good with so little make-up. I was envious right away. But certainly not about his skill in negotiating with the modest heels. It looked almost as if he were wearing such shoes for the first time. "I've used a bit of your make-up. Is that OK?" "Sure." Before I could say more, Mom came in. She stood there with open mouth and stared rather impolitely at Bernd. Bernd went up to her and made a curtsey. "Hello," she said in a friendly way. I really have to call Bernd "she", because standing there was a beautiful girl. Not a trace of a boy. I went to her and whispered into her ear, "Better to shake her hand. Curtseys have gone a bit out of style." Bernd took a step toward Mom and held out her hand. Mom took it rather disconcertedly. "Hello," she answered rather stereotypically. "Eh, Bernd?" "Yes, although the name doesn't fit anymore. Recently I've been called Bernadette, but I don't like that at all. I'm still thinking, but I think Sarah suits me pretty well." "Eh - good, Sarah." Mom was completely at loose ends. I took Bernd - no, Sarah - by the hand and said to her, "Mom is still pretty much worn out from work. Want to make some supper?" Sarah nodded. "I'm slowly getting hungry. What should we make?" As quick as a flash we were in the kitchen, while Mom stayed behind still overwhelmed. We had to have looked like sisters, it seemed to me. Dressed about the same. I liked it this way, and Sarah seemed to feel well, too. Otherwise she probably wouldn't have put on these clothes. I took two aprons and gave one to Sarah. "Do you like Camembert-cutlet (Schnitzel)? That's quick and really tastes good." "You seem to know your way around cooking?" I grinned. "I love cooking. But don't tell Mom, because she wouldn't let me out of the kitchen if she finds out." "Why do you do that? I was always forced to." "You don't need to help me. I can understand, if it wakes bad memories." "Oh yes, I'd like to help. It is just new for me not to have to do it. Everything is totally different here, there's no worry about punishment." "Like I said, you don't have to do anything." As I was talking I got several ingredients out of the refrigerator. "What shall we eat with the Schnitzel?" "Hmm, we don't have any gravy... Do you like R?sti?" "I don't know what that is." "Small, grated potatoes formed into a kind of pancake and fried crispy brown." "Sounds delicious. I'll do the potatoes." I gave her a serious look. She saw my glance and knew what it meant. Her answer came in the form of a question, "Where are the potatoes? I can't cook, but I can peel the potatoes. How else can I help you?" I shrugged my shoulders and showed her where the potatoes were. While she peeled, I beat the eggs, seasoned the Schnitzel and breaded them. Then I saw Mom give a gesture. "I'll be right back. If you want, go ahead and grate the potatoes." Then I went to see Mom in the livingroom. With lowered voice she said, "Now seriously, who is that?" "She already told you. She was once Bernd." "I can't believe it. This is supposed to be the disturbed, suicide-prone Bernd, who hates everything feminine? The girl in the miniskirt, in high heels and wearing make-up?" I shrugged my shoulders and answered her just as softly, so that Sarah couldn't hear, "I don't think she hates everything feminine. She just doesn't like those things that remind her of the bad times. I think it is just really important not to push her into things or to try to force her." "I think meeting you has unleashed a small miracle. I don't know what you've done, but it is a miracle." "Mom - maybe you're right. But I think it's not a good idea for someone to pick her up tonight. Can't she stay here?" "Stay here? Why not. I've nothing against it. But what about tomorrow? You have to go to school and do your babysitting." "I'll talk to her." I went back into the kitchen. "Is this the right way?" Sarah asked me while showing me the grated potatoes. "Looks great," I answered. "Thanks a lot for the help." "Glad to. What comes next?" "If you want to help some more, then fry the R?sti while I finish the Schnitzel." Soon we were standing next to each other at the stove and dealing with the frying pans. It was fun with Sarah; usually I cooked alone. She seemed to feel the same way. The Schnitzels were soon golden brown. "Are you finished already?" she asked apprehensively. "The R?stis aren't very brown yet." "Just a bit of patience. The Schnitzel aren't finished yet. Now comes the Camembert on top and then they'll go into the oven under the broiler grill." Quickly the slices of Camembert were distributed among the Schnitzel and I put them all into the oven. "The R?sti won't take much longer. They'll be ready at exactly the right time." "Shall I set the table?" "Not necessary. We keep it uncomplicated. Each takes a plate and gets what he wants. We don't need to serve each other." That loosed a look of amazement from Sarah. "Except for special occasions, then we set out a beautiful table." Everything was finished, so I called Mom. Sarah looked at me as I put a piece of Schnitzel and some of the R?sti on my plate and then laid some cranberries on the melted cheese. "Something sweet on a Schnitzel?" she asked skeptically. "Just try it. It tastes heavenly. I even prefer some grated horseradish on it, but we don't have any that's fresh. And it doesn't taste so wonderful out of a jar." And then a period of quiet devouring broke out and spread. If you went by Sarah's facial expression, she appeared to like it. Mom too, but that was nothing new. When we were finished, Sarah set about clearing away the dishes. "No, let me do that," Mom interrupted her. "You have cooked, then I can do the clean up." Again Sarah looked amazed. I pulled her gently in the direction of the staircase. And then we were in my room. For a moment we harbored our own thoughts, then I asked, "Do you like it here?" Her face darkened. What had I said wrong? Then she said, "I knew that it would come. I had just hoped it wouldn't be so quick." I looked at her helplessly. "Eh, you've lost me totally." "I know that I'm supposed to be picked up right away. That's all right, you don't need to say anything more." And with that she started to take off the sweater. I held her arm firmly. "Just slow down. I only wanted to know whether you liked it, because I wanted to ask you if you'd like to stay the night here?" She looked at me in total amazement. Then I saw the tears running over her cheeks. Angrily she wiped them away. "Since I've had these hormones, I always start to cry right away." "No problem," I said in a comforting voice. "Let it out." "You - you're so nice to me, even though you don't know me." "I wouldn't say that. I've only known you for a short time, but that's enough to find whether a person is likeable." That unleashed a new flurry of tears. "I'm sorry," she said finally. "But it's been a long time since I was together with someone who was simply nice. I have to accustom myself to that again." I laid my arm around her shoulder to calm her. A completely impossible gesture between boys, but not a problem between us. And it really did calm her. "Yes," she said suddenly. "Eh - Yes?" "Yes, I would like to stay here." "There's just a little problem..." Immediately her face darkened. "I have to go to school tomorrow, and then babysit." The dark facial expression disappeared and made room for a smile. "No problem. I'll come along." She thought briefly. "Just introduce me as the daughter of relatives who are visiting. That's actually almost right, isn't it?" "You intend to to to school as a girl?" "With you I have no problem doing that." "But I can't go as a ...." Again this look of astonishment. "You go to school as a boy?" I nodded. "Yes. Mom asked me too, if after the vacation I wanted to go to school as a girl. But I thought... I wanted..." "I think I understand. It was like that with me, but in my case it was a trick by Aunt Sophie. I'll have to tell you the rest of my story." "Yes, I'm really curious. But it's almost eight, then the psychologist will be coming. We have to explain to him that you'll be staying here." It was unbelievable how her emotions were reflected on her face. Now I could read worry. "Do you think he will agree?" "Let's let Mom do that," I soothed her. "No one can withstand her. I just have to tell her that you're going to stay." I squeezed her hand and then went downstairs. "Mom, Sarah wants to go to school with me tomorrow." "Good. Does she know that you go to school as a boy?" I nodded. "And Sarah?" "It looks as though she intends to go as Sarah. I think she can decide tomorrow. Although I cannot imagine how she would do it with her breasts." "Those are real?" "Yes, I've seen them." Mom figured it all out in a flash. "I can still remember how I once compared mine with those of my best friend. I would never have dreamed that my son would be doing that with another boy." I had to grin. Then I asked, "Do you think there will be problems with the psychologist?" "Let that be my problem. You just make sure Sarah doesn't look all tear- stained." I couldn't believe how Mom could know everything like that. Did she have telepathic capabilities? "OK, I'll go to her." Sarah really did have red eyes. And because of the tears the bit of make- up was gone. "Sarah, the psychologist will be here any time now. Mom thinks you shouldn't look tear-stained." She nodded her understanding. "Wash in the bathroom. You can use my washcloth, it's hanging at the right. Then you can redo your make-up." Without a word she walked into the bathroom and was back quickly. Then she went like a professional through my cosmetics and put herself together. In a very short time the use of her expertise had her looking even better than she had before. "Sarah, I'm envious. I wish I looked so good." She blushed very prettily. No one would have believed that a girl wasn't sitting there. "Let's check that everything is in order." We examined our clothing. "Sarah, you have pierced ears! Do you want a pair of earrings?" In no time two small golden hearts were dangling from her ears. I put on the jewelry I had gotten from Mrs. Weber. Sarah adjusted my eyeshadow, then we were finished. I found it wonderful to have someone with which I could do these things. I had finally found someone with whom I could share my experiences and problems. Sarah was thinking about whether she should use nail polish when the doorbell rang. "Let's go on downstairs." "No. First let Mom talk with him alone. She'll call us." Sarah was getting somewhat nervous. It was as though she was sitting on an anthill. Again I laid my arm around her, so I could pull her a little closer. She seemed to absorb the physical nearness up into her. After a minute she was calmer, but still nervous. "Just keep calm. Be self-confident!" "You're a good one to talk! For the last year I've had exactly the opposite drilled into me." "All the more important that you be self-confident as you can be now. I'm right here beside you. Shall I hold your hand when we are downstairs?" She nodded. Not much later I heard Mom calling me. We got up. Sarah shivered. I pulled her to me and embraced her. While I pressed her to me, I felt the trembling let up a bit. No time to calm her more. I took her by the hand and pulled her gently to the door. Hand in hand is how the psychologist saw us coming down. Two attractive girls in mini-skirts and nice cosmetics. His glance looked for Bernd. When we reached the bottom he finally recognized her. His eyes had grown large. "Bernd!?!?!" "No, I think, Sarah is more suitable." Another person would perhaps have said all kinds of things. But he was a pro. It took just a moment before he had overcome his surprise. "I'd not expected to meet with such an attractive girl." Sarah reddened a little. I pressed her hand more firmly, so that she didn't make a mistake because of her nerves. Unbeknownst to me he had observed my move. "You would like to stay the night here? he asked. Sarah was much too nervous to say anything; she just nodded. "Good. I would like to speak with both of you, one after the other. No worry, only a minute. Ber... Sarah, you first?" Sarah went reluctantly with him into the kitchen. It really didn't last long. Sarah looked relieved when she came back. Then it was my turn. "I'd hoped that you would have a positive influence. But I hadn't believed in a miracle." Now it was my place to blush. I felt how my face got hot. "I've never in my life been so surprised as when I saw an attractive girl come down the stairs. Bernd had emphatically rejected everything feminine, and now I see him in a mini-skirt." "Her," I interrupted him. "What did you say?" "Her. The person whom you are referring to is quite plainly a 'her'." "Right. My mistake. It's because of my surprise. What brought about this turn of events?" "I don't know. I didn't do it. Just one thing is clear to me: Sarah is very sensitive, if she is pushed into doing something. She had an allergic reaction to that. Perhaps that was the problem?" "You may well be right. Do you intend to give me competition in my profession?" he smiled at me. "Not really. It's just that I've found a new friend and would like to be with her some time yet. How will it go on from here? Sarah can only stay here a certain length of time. How long?" He looked at me appraisingly. "I wouldn't have expected a question like that from someone your age. But I can't answer your question. It all depends upon Sarah. I have to wait until I see how stable this development is. But no matter what is decided you will be the first to be told. Promise." "I'll take you at your word. I haven't known her very long, yet I've grown close to her and she means a lot to me." "I'll want to speak to your mother once again. If she is agreeable, then Sarah can stay here for the next few days. Unfortunately there are a lot of details that have to be taken into account, money and legal problems like the foster care law. And first and foremost Sarah's well-being." Maybe I've seen too many bad films, but I hope that it will be for Sarah's well-being. "I'll take pains. But it's not just Sarah who is my patient. How are you?" I shrugged my shoulders. "Nothing new. Except that with Sarah I finally have someone with whom I can talk about everything." "Good. Then we'll just wait to see what happens. You'll know yourself one of these days. I think we'll wait a few days. Then we'll all get together. Till then - if problems crop up, you have my telephone number." I nodded. "Then I wish you and Sarah all the best. Till Monday." ## I knew that Sarah would need time to get ready. Even more than normal since she didn't know her way around here. So I set the alarm appropriately early. I finished up in a hurry. Short shower, a penetrating scan to make sure all the make-up was gone, then dressed in pullover and jeans - finished. I went into the kitchen and made breakfast. I was already on my second cup of coffee - and I had drunk extremely slowly - when Sarah finally got there. We'd talked for a long time last evening about what she was going to wear. Sarah wanted to wear a short skirt again, since it was something new and interesting for her. But I drew her attention to the weather and the fact that no one at school would be wearing anything like that. She would attract attention and we certainly wanted to avoid that. After a lot of beginning hesitation she finally came around to approve of the outfit that I wore for my very first babysitting. The calf-length skirt looked good on her, the soft material flowed with every movement; something I could now see. Hmm, why hadn't I worn it more often? But I liked the short skirts more, and for baby sitting they were also more practical. "Good morning. You look good." And I meant it, too. Sarah would make a good impression in school. I wished I could go to school looking like that. Sarah was busy giving me the once over. When she had disappeared into the guest room last night, I still had long hair and wore make-up. Now she saw Andreas for the first time. "I nearly wouldn't have recognized you," she said. "But a good morning, too." "When I see you like that I wish I could wear a skirt to school." "You really look better as a girl. As a boy you are a bit under average." Then she clapped her hand over her mouth. "Oops, that wasn't exactly friendly, was it? It just gurgled out of me." "That's OK, you're right. But I have a question. Yesterday I saw you in jeans and you looked like a girl. Do I look feminine?" She gave me a good examination. "Hmm, the short hair is very helpful in making you look more like a boy. But the eyebrows - they're kinda feminine. I think you need to be careful. With the wrong clothing, which would look normal on other boys, you could quickly give the impression of a girl. How do you deal with your breasts?" "A sport-bra. Not the most comfortable, but agreeable enough. Above all, whenever the nipples get so sensitive again." "That's why I'm happy about the bra you gave me. Even though the cups are a little too large." "You'll grow into them," I grinned. "And you, too," she answered. My face turned serious. "That's not for sure. My breasts are growing because of an imbalance in my hormones. Who knows how long that will continue?" "Haven't you been to a doctor?" "Sure, to several. But they can't tell me how large my breasts are going to get either." "Do you want large breasts?" "If I'm going to be Andrea, yes, but as Andreas that wouldn't be so good. How about you?" "I think I like them. Even when just a while ago I was thinking the opposite. But I don't know whether I should continue to live as a boy or a girl. When I left Aunt Sophie I had to go to a doctor. He explained a number of things to me. In the case of an adult hormones wouldn't make particularly much difference, most significant would be just letting the breasts grow. But I'm still growing, and in the last year I've been under the regimen of female hormones. My hips are broader than a boy's. I have the beginning of a girl's figure." "Can't that be reversed with male hormones?" "Probably very little. The doctor was of the opinion that for now I should continue the hormones to which my body is accustomed, and he didn't want to change that at a moment's notice. In addition the decision is fairly definite; you can't take female hormones some times and male hormones at others. The psychologist said I should wait at least a few months before I make my decision. At that point in time I wanted unconditionally to be a boy again, so his suggestion didn't please me at all." "And now? Do you want to be a girl?" "I don't know. In no case do I want to be the girl that I had to be at Aunt Sophie's. But now I've seen you, how natural you are as a girl. And that you like it." "What made you notice that?" "A person can't miss that. You radiate it, a satisfaction with yourself, which by the way you don't have right now. That brought me to think that being a girl doesn't have to be just bad. I would like to be like you." "Then it's my fault that you're wearing a skirt now?" "For sure," she grinned. "But I like it. I just don't want to be reminded of the time at Aunt Sophie's. That's why at first I was hesitant about wearing the long skirt." "What did you have to wear back then?" "It'll be best if I just go on with my story as it happened. Then you'll understand it easier." "I'm all ears." "I have an idea..." "What?" I asked curiously. "Just hang on. First I have to think about it a little." We finished breakfast and then it was time to leave for school. "Do you know, I would never have believed, one day I would like to go to school. Although unfortunately it won't help me reach a qualification." "What comes next?" "So far as I know, a guardian will have to be named, who then will decide. Till then nothing. But I think it is a good idea nevertheless to go to school to show my determination." "Didn't you go to school any more at all?" "There was a kind of instruction at Aunt Sophie's, after all she's a teacher. So I wasn't completely out of the loop. But I don't know how good I can keep up." "Well, you'll figure that out right away. First off we have math." We came to the school gate. Like always I met Svenja. I walked over to her and gave her a hug like girls do. Only then did it occur to me that I was Andreas at the moment. A quick glance around showed me that we hadn't been conspicuous. Sarah looked on in astonishment. I took her by the hand and said to Svenja, "Svenja, this is Sarah. She's visiting me for a few days." "Hi, Sarah," Svenja said, and gave her a light hug. Sarah was pleasantly surprised; she was obviously not accustomed to this, but wasn't all that bothered either. Then she looked around for support whereupon she took my hand. Naturally in precisely that moment Biene came on the scene and wasn't at all thrilled that I was standing there holding hands with an attractive girl. She made her proprietary rights clear by pulling me to her and giving me a big kiss. I didn't protest. I was just wondering if one was enough. Then she whispered into my ear, "Who is that?" I answered out loud, "That's Sarah." Now came a quick explanation. Why hadn't we just agreed upon nothing more exact? Related? In what way? "She's a cousin who is staying with us for a few days." I looked to Sarah for her agreement. From her glance it seemed she was agreeing to go along with the story. Then she said, "Not to worry, I'm not going to take away your friend. You must be Sabine?" Biene was happy that she had been called Sabine. She beamed instantly. "Yes. But I think we need to go inside, or else we'll be late." ## The school day passed more or less without event. The teachers were for the most part enthused about the very eager guest student, even if in some things significant lapses in knowledge showed up. The crabby bio-teacher had to cause problems because an outsider can't simply come into school. But a short visit by the principal set that straight. He was very impressed by Sarah's style and would have been happy to have her in his school. She should just take it all in and naturally she should participate in the classes, "We always want to encourage such interest." Sarah was very impressed by Biene and Svenja. For her it was a wonderful day - two prospective girl friends and finally again in school. I didn't see that last part as all that positive. In any case on our way home you could hardly believe that the happy girl next to me had been a suicide prospect just a short time ago. The psychologist would have been ecstatic, of that I was certain. At home I asked, "Sarah, can you put together something to eat in a hurry? I'm hungry." "Sure. What would you like?" "Just a couple sandwiches, I'll cook later." "OK." "I have to rush with changing clothes, be back right away." Ten minutes later I came down to Sarah in a long skirt. She had fixed some lunchmeat, which we scarfed down as though we were starved. "I thought you told me that you don't like long skirts?" she said, while observing my drastically altered appearance. "And pigtails?" "You're right about the skirts, but I wanted to dress similar to you-" She interrupted me, "I could have also put on a short skirt." "Too late, we've gotta go. Next time. And the pigtails - the suggestion came from Svenja; it was her opinion that they are practical for babysitting. And she's right." "And you look sweet with them. Can you fix me that way, too?" "Only if we hurry. We've gotta move." I had become practiced in braiding pigtails, and so it only took two minutes. Not a work of art, but good enough. Sarah checked herself out in the mirror and appeared to approve the result. "Up and at 'em; it's high time." We took off. Mrs. Weber opened the door, but wasn't surprised to see two girls, because Mom had called her yesterday. "Hi, Andrea. And you must be Sarah. Nice to meet you." They shook hands while I defended against a rocket, which came shooting at us from treetop level. "Mark, let me live!" Only then did he notice Sarah and hid himself behind my skirt. I pulled him out. "Mark, this is Sarah, a friend. She's helping me take care of you, because you are too much for me alone." Mark first looked at me and then skeptically at Sarah. "I'm already big, I don't need anyone to take care of me." And with that he disappeared. "Doesn't he like me?" asked Sarah in confusion. "No," Mrs. Weber answered, "it's just that he doesn't like to share his Andrea with anyone; she belongs to him alone." Sarah nodded her comprehension. "I have to leave now. Lena has been especially whiny today. I hope she likes Sarah." Then she left. "She seems to be really nice, but is she always going at such a hectic pace?" Sarah asked. "Hectic? Actually not. But we did get here late." "Don't look at me so reproachfully. I really did need my hair in a reasonable style." She played with one plait. The two plaits really looked good on her. She looked awfully sweet. Just the skirt looked too "adult." Next time, in the event that this happened again, I would convince her to try a more suitable outfit. Something more schoolgirlish that would look particular good on her. Today was Friday, the day which I normally didn't work. But I had had to go to the psychologist yesterday, and so Mrs. Weber exchanged the two days. The weekend with Sarah remained open I hoped, but what next week would bring nobody knew. That thought made me sad. In spite of the brief time we'd had, I liked Sarah a lot. But now Lena's strong volume was tearing me out of my thoughts. "I think there's a baby to be taken care of. I'll bet it has to do with full diapers." We went to Lena's cradle and I lifted her out. Normally she reacts positively to me, but not today. She bawled full volume into my ear. "Yes, no doubt a full diaper. Since it was you who wanted to have a specially suitable hairstyle, you can execute the necessary action. Here is Lena." And with that I pressed the baby into the hands of a completely startled Sarah. She held her as though Lena were poisonous or might explode at any moment. Her facial expression was indescribable. "Lay her on the plastic pad. That'll serve as diaper support. Then while you take off the dirty diaper, I'll get a new one. And a new romper suit; this one got a little dirty." There weren't any more diapers there, I had to fetch several out of the basement. When I got back I almost laughed out loud. Sarah was holding her nose with one hand and trying with the other to get the diaper off, which wasn't working out so well what with the baby lying on it. When she saw me, she opined, "This is really terrible." Her face was light green. "And therefore you enjoy it as long as possible? I always get the dirty diaper off and out of the way as soon as possible, but you appear to have a better method." Before she got fouled up and messy I took both of Lena's legs with one hand and with a practiced motion took the diaper with my other, but without coming into contact with the contents. With another practiced motion it disappeared into the special anti-odor bucket. It had taken at most two seconds. Unfortunately I couldn't open the window until Lena was dressed again. Actually I had wanted to leave Lena's clean-up to Sarah, but that was taking too long for me. I washed her, creamed and powdered her. The typical aroma of baby power partly pushed aside the malodor. Even Lena's apparent rubbery legs which stuck out crosswise whenever they were supposed to go into the romper suit didn't give me problems any more. In short order the routine had gotten her dressed and she hung in her carrying cloth in front of my belly, to which she responded with some cheerful gurgling. Sarah had watched with open mouth and didn't speak a word. "So, now Lena gets her bottle, then she'll be tired and I can do some homework in peace. Would you check on Mark? Play with him a little, he likes that and you can make friends with him." "If I had anticipated that, I wouldn't have come along. Aunt Sophie's lessons were better than this. I think, I'll go back." I looked around at her in shock, only to see her broad grin. "No, but seriously, I would never have thought that a baby can stink so bad. And I could hardly believe how quickly you took care of it; I would have needed another half an hour." "For women that's the most normal thing in the world. You need to think about that when you ponder your decision for your future life."