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Mom's Girl Redux Part 10 by Elizabeth Joanne Chapter 31 There wasn't much traffic out and the drive out was pleasant. As I drove along I thought about what I was leaving behind and what was ahead for me. Was I really going to be happy? I was walking away from the known and into the unknown. It has been over 6 months since I first went full time but up until now it had one new experience after another. Now I was going to settle into a routine of a middle aged working woman. Get up every morning and go to the same job, the same four walls at work and at home. You spent the first part of your life running to catch airplanes and flying off to somewhere. Now it was going to be the same day in and day out. Can you really adjust Beth? Guess you are going to find out. Mom was excited when I got there and insisted we toast with some champagne. I think she was disappointed I was in jeans and come time for dinner she insisted we go out and change into a skirt. I wasn't really in the mood for it but I was the dutiful daughter and put on a skirt, hose, and heels to make her happy. She is obviously excited about all of this and it seemed like everyone we encountered she made a point of telling them how her daughter was moving back home. I admit it was a bit awkward at times but the smile on Mom's face and the sparkle in her eyes told me how excited she was. I was excited as well on one level but I still had questions and concerns on others. Was this really the life for me? Yes I had slowed down over the past few months but winter was coming. In my old life everyone at work had teased me how come winter I was always on a plane to California or Florida. Definitely going to be different. After dinner Mom and I cracked open a bottle of wine and sat and talked about a lot of things. I never let on my apprehensions to her. Hopefully everything will work out and I am just fretting over nothing. That night as I climbed into bed I thought about this is what my life was soon to become and this is where it was to be. Maybe it is time to put some stability into your life Beth. Yes it is a huge change but the only way to know if it is going to work is to try. I did go to talk with Nancy that next morning. She said as this was a slow time it would be perfect for me to get my feet wet and learn everything. She did give me a set of keys but told me she would go over everything next week, starting Monday morning. She also reminded me abut my name tag. At least I know where that is, my nightstand drawer with my toys. I met her for dinner and she told me there was no dress code other than nice clothes, She said she usually wore slacks but that was up to me. She also while heels look nice flats are better for a day on your feet and suggested maybe I look into some support hose. I laughed and told her I already had some Sheer Energy from my days behind the bar and yes I know all about flats. I did admit to her I was a bit nervous about all of this and she said I would do fine, working for her was easy and it wasn't that complicated. I told her that was the least of my concerns. I was more worried how long term this was going to work with me and Mom. She confided she had the same concerns when her mother moved in and it took some time but it is fine now. She did admit that it made certain things difficult. When I asked like what she smiled. "Entertaining gentlemen." As I drove home that night I thought about what Nancy had said and I can imagine it would, still she is a big girl and it is her house. Not sure I am going to have to worry about that right now but hopefully there will come a time and it is Mom's place. Very different circumstances! Not that I am going to bring it up now there will come a time maybe I should down the road. Yes we had talked about all of this before but it wouldn't hurt to reinforce it. Saturday I started truly getting things put away in my room with Mom's help. She did tease me about the leather pants and couple of leather skirts I had but I laughed and told her she was just jealous and she said yes. I was surprised she didn't say anything about my girdles but I am sure she has seen a girdle before and wouldn't be surprised if she had a few herself. We finished up around 4 and Mom suggested we change and go out for a nice dinner to celebrate this new arrangement. "Sounds like fun," I replied. "I am surprised you don't have a date with George though." "Not tonight," she smiled. "I thought it would be nice for us to have a mother daughter day to get things together. "That's sweet," I said. "But tomorrow afternoon is another story," she sheepishly grinned. "Are you telling me to make myself scarce tomorrow?" "Not at all, we will just to go to his place," she replied. "But that does bring up something I think we need to talk about, gentlemen friends." "Mom, this is your place and you are over 21 so what goes on in your bedroom is your business." "Yes it is but the same goes for you Elizabeth," she grinned. "Oh my! My little girl is blushing." "I, ah, well um ..." "Elizabeth you are a healthy young woman and I am sure you have urges and there is nothing wrong with acting on those in a mature and responsible manner." "I don't know about young," I laughed. "Remember I am 52." "I know perfectly well how old my daughter is! I may be old but I am not feeble.' "I wasn't suggesting that as all Mom. Its just that, well I am different than most women my age." "I understand that Elizabeth," she smiled. "But don't tell me you haven't enjoyed a gentleman's company recently." "Well, I ah, um ..." I blushed. "Don't be embarrassed Elizabeth, its perfectly natural and expected," she smiled. "I just want you to know it is OK if you want to entertain a caller here because I am sure there may be a few times my bedroom door is closed." "Not sure I am ready right now but hopefully there will come a time." "I understand Elizabeth," she said as she hugged me. "Now go change and I am going to do the same. Time for some dinner." "Yes Mom." It was obvious Mom had a girdle on when she reappeared but then again I had one on as well under my navy blue dress as well. Dinner was nice and we continued our conversation about men and the like albeit more on a PG level due to the public setting. I will admit I used one of my toys before rolling over to go to sleep. Have to scope out the area and find out where the girls like me hang out. Not like I am a slut but it would be nice on occasion. Chapter 32 I was nervous as a whore in church that morning as I dressed for my first day of working for Nancy. I had thought about wearing slacks but opted for a long broomstick skirt. Yes I did slip into some flats and had my Sheer Energy on for the legs and fatigue factor. I took one last look in the mirror and laughed this is as good as it gets. Yep the name tag is in my purse so I headed to the kitchen for a last cup of coffee. "Ready to be a working girl?" Mom asked as sat there with a cup of coffee. "Already had a job Mom and you know that," I admonished her. "I know just teasing you Elizabeth," she smiled. "I know," I said as I snapped the lid on my travel cup. I gave her a kiss on the cheek, "Better get going, I don't want to be late for my first day." Nancy was just opening the back door as I pulled up. She showed me how to turn off the alarm and told me she would get me a code as well as my own set of keys. I watched as she counted out yesterday's receipts and did the deposit. Not exactly the same as I had to do at the bar but similar. She showed me around and where the catalogs were for special orders before opening up. She took off to the bank after opening up but was back in about half an hour and I had zero customers so I just looked around and familiarized myself with everything. We did have a few customers and Nancy let me handle them under her watchful eye. To be honest it was quite boring and Nancy said it can get that way at this time of the year but it will pick up soon for Christmas and tourist season can be crazy, especially on the weekends. We locked up at 5 and after the till was locked away Nancy turned to me. "Come on, let me buy you a drink to celebrate your first day," she said. "I'd like that," I smiled. I followed her to a nice bar about half way between her place and Mom's. It wasn't that busy and the crowd was more our age which made me comfortable. We both ordered a glass of wine and after the waitress Nancy started in. "I know it was slow but you did fine Beth," she said. "Supposed to be a nice weekend so the tourists may be out which will help." "So I am not fired and will be around for the weekend?" "At least at the moment," she laughed. "How it is going living back home?" "Fine but it hasn't even been a week so time will tell," I replied. "I know there are things that will come up with 2 women and only one kitchen but I am sure we are adult enough to work it out." "I would say you are adult enough, you're only a couple of months younger than me," she giggled. "I know it is going to be different," I said. "For all intent and purposes I have been on my own since I was 18 and she has been on her own for a lot of years so there is going to be a learning process." "Well if it gets too intense just call me and come on over or we can meet for a drink." "You do the same," I smiled. "Thanks," she smiled back. "I will tell you even though it is my house there are times my mother makes me feel like I am 16 and living under her roof again." "Trouble in paradise?" "Not really just a little incident yesterday," she sighed. "I had a date Saturday night and well maybe I was a little late getting home and a little crabby Sunday morning about having to get up for church Sunday morning." "Why don't you just go on Saturday night? Mom and I have done that a few times although I know she prefers the high mass at 11 Sunday morning." "I would but Mom refuses to go on Saturdays," Nancy sighed "She is old fashioned and says it just isn't right. In so many ways I wish she were more like your mother a bit more progressive. To be honest she made me so mad when she started to lecture me about being so late I told her what she needed was a good man." "How did that go over? Not well I bet," I smiled. "Does a lead balloon invoke any pictures in your mind?" "Not any pretty ones. Sounds like you are going to have start skipping dessert at the restaurant and get on to the one at his place or make it a quickie," I giggled. "We didn't have dessert, well at least not at the restaurant," she blushed. "It was just so good well maybe we cuddled a little longer than usual after and when I when to get dressed I couldn't find my panties." "Oh my, a panty raid," I laughed. "There could have been an elephant stampede and I would have noticed it was that good," she smiled. "I would have probably been later getting home but we just gave up and I pulled my pantyhose on." "Sounds like Pete hid them for a souvenir." "I doubt it. Not like it was our first time together or they were that cute or lacy," she smiled slyly. "Besides he called me yesterday afternoon and told me he found them and asked if I wanted to come over and get them? "So did you?" "No things had quieted down by then and didn't want it to start all over again," she answered. "I told him I would get them tomorrow night when we are getting together." "Good plan." Mom was a little upset when I got home. Not that I stopped for a drink with Nancy but that I didn't call. It wasn't like dinner was ready but rather a courtesy call would have been nice. I was a little mad at first as I am a big girl but the more I thought about she was right. Guess too many years of living alone has made me forget some things and I promised to think and call next time which seemed to handle it this time. This living with Mom is definitely going to require some changes to your lifestyle Beth. I am not regretting my choice but it is going to require some effort. Well I am not regretting just yet. As I laid in bed that night I thought about how inconsiderate I had been this evening by not calling and need to work on that. I also thought about Nancy and what we talked about. I wonder if there are going to be more conflicts with Mom? I know Aunt Mary is a little older than Mom but Mom is in far better health. I know Aunt Mary took it quite hard when Uncle Mike died and I am sure that has something to do with it. Mom has a life where Aunt Mary never really did outside of her marriage. I am sure that has a lot to do with it. The other thing that struck me about earlier was the other thing we talked about. Nancy seemed so comfortable talking about the intimate part of her life with me. I wonder if all women are like that with other women? I know she would have never said anything like that to the old me. Now she sees me as another one of the girls. You are so lucky to have the love and support of your family, don't let them down. Chapter 33 I don't remember the last time I felt this nervous, probably that first time I sat in Dr. Wagner's office before my first appointment with him. He helped me so much but he is 150 miles away now so time to start over. Dr. Wagner recommended Dr. Kelsey telling me she had worked with transsexuals including a couple that already had their surgery. I had talked with her several times on the phone and felt comfortable. I know Dr, Wagner said he was going to forward his notes so she was familiar with me and my case. Yes I had 100% faith in Dr. Wagner and his recommendation but there is the uncertainty of starting over. "Beth?" the 40ish blonde asked as the office door opened. "Yes," I smiled as she approached. "I'm Dr. Kelsey, nice to meet you." "Same here Dr, Kelsey," I said as I stood up. "Dr. Wagner highly recommended you." "Well let's hope I can live to that," she smiled. "Come on in and let's talk." I followed her into her office and was struck by the difference by her office from Dr. Wagner's. His office while nicely decorated it was definitely a man's office. This was quite different and most obviously had a woman's touch. It felt warm and inviting. The furniture was more a soft pastel gray opposed to the harsh red leather of Dr. Wagner's. I sat down in front of her desk as she opened a file folder and took a piece of paper. "I have had a chance to go over Dr. Wagner's notes and I would like to talk about some of that but I will tell you his diagnosis is very correct," she said. "In reviewing his notes you are almost a textbook case of a transsexual. Seeing this is our first session tell me a little about yourself and let us see if I can help you and you are comfortable with me." "OK, where would like me to start?" "Wherever you like Beth," she smiled. "Maybe how has it been going since you started your transition." I thought it would be tough but once I got started it seemed to go from there. She would ask me questions from time about certain incidents. I told her of how I got started and it seemed to grow within me from a simple to fetish to a level of total comfort as Beth. She did ask about sexual orientation and I went as far back as high school with my feeble attempts at trying to be heterosexual and realizing while there was a physical satisfaction it still left an emptiness in me. I could have gone on for hours but as it was I was there over an hour and a half and she had to get ready for her next patient. "Beth I feel I can help you get to where you want to be," she said as we wrapped up. :The question is do you feel comfortable with me?" "Very much so," I smiled. "I feel almost as comfortable as I did with Dr. Wagner and I had been seeing him for 10 years." "That's good, now the question is what type of schedule should we set up? I see you were seeing Dr. Wagner every other week, does that work?" "I can make that work," I replied. "I am sure Nancy and I can work out something so I have the time off." "OK, then let's say same time two weeks from today," she said as she wrote something in her planner. "If anything changes please call me." "I certainly will but I am sure it will work out," I said. "See you in two weeks." I have to admit I felt a lot better as I walked out of her office. I had been seeing Dr. Wagner for over 10 years and had a definite comfort level with him. I was afraid I was not going to have that here or at least start all over but that wasn't necessary I could see. I felt so good I decided to do a little shopping and treat myself to a nice dinner. I called Mom when I got to my car and told her of my plans and she said have fun. I thought about calling Nancy but figured I would talk to her tomorrow when I get to work. Being my cousin and becoming my best friend I know there will be no problems. OK, that's done now where are you going from here Beth? I thought about it and maybe just just go explore some of the smaller shops in the downtown area. There is something nice about the larger department and chain stores at the malls but after a while it is just the same old stuff. I have always enjoyed the smaller shops. the service is better, the quality a little higher, they have something different and although they may be a little pricier I'm worth it. I found a parking garage somewhat in the middle of downtown and started snooping through the stores. I wasn't that sure of the area and didn't want to get lost so my plan was to make a loop around the one block. I hit a couple of dress shops and what caught my eye wasn't my size and vice versa. I turned the corner and a couple of stores from the corner the display in the window. It was the cutest burgundy bra trimmed in an ivory lace with matching panty. I am far as anal as some women who just about die if their panties and bra don't match but they are nice and have a way of making you feel so feminine. Not sure I needed another bra but I had to at least check it out. "May I help you?" the woman about my age asked from behind the counter as I came in. "I hope so. That pink bra and panty set in the window, do you have it in a 36A?" I smiled. "I should," she smiled. "Large for the panties?" "Yes," I blushed. "I should tell you that is those are a bit more than expensive than your average Playtex bra," she said. "Well I don't wear Playtex bras, I usually wear Chantelle," I smiled. "And what do you define as a bit more expensive?" "Its probably about the same as Chantelle," she blushed. "I'm sorry but most women seem to think if they pay $25 for a bra that is a lot." "Well I don't know about other women but I think the girls are worth a good bra." I smiled. "If more women felt that way they wouldn't be running around with poorly fitting bras," she said as she handed me the bra in my size. "The fitting room is over there." I thanked her and went to try it on. I learned a long time ago from Vivian that not all 36A's are not created the same so I never bought a bra before trying it. Panties are not like that for the most part but bras are. I tried it on and it was even cuter on but felt tight. The sales clerk peeked in and asked how it went and when I told her snug she returned with a 36B. This one fit like it was made for me. Yes this as well as my usual Chantelle bras are a little more expensive but they feel so good on. Besides like I said I am worth it "Will there be anything else Elizabeth," she asked as she looked at the name on my Visa. "Isn't that enough?" I laughed. "I guess so," she laughed back. "Let me know how you like the bra. A lot of my customers say they find the Simone Perele's to be even more comfortable than Chantelle." "I will but I have to tell you I do love my Chantelle's," I smiled. "Here you go," she said as she handed me my card back. "This is a card for my Good Bra Club. You get a punch for every $50 you spend and an extra punch for the first purchase. 12 punches and you earn a $25 discount on your next purchase." "Thank you," I smiled and put the card in my purse. "I will be back." "Have a nice day Beth." I am not sure I needed a new bra I thought as I walked back to my car. It is funny though as I noticed the other women out and about around me. I probably paid more for the panties in the bag today as most of them paid for the bra and panties they had on. Are you becoming a snob Beth? I don't think so but I spent the first 50 years of my life busting my butt and I have no one other than Mom to worry about and she is secure so why not? Life is too short to drink cheap wine or wear cheap bras. Chapter 34 Things were starting to settle down and I was getting into a groove or a maybe it is a rut. I was working 5 days a week at the store, sometimes opening or closing by myself. Nancy said I was doing great and having someone she could trust took a great deal of weight off her. It was almost like someone flipped a switch because starting the day after Thanksgiving we got busier and busier. Also we now stayed open to 6 during the week and on Friday and Saturday until 9. I was sure glad when Shannon came from for the holidays. She had been working in the shop since she was 13 so she took a load off both Nancy and me. Nancy had the whole gang for Thanksgiving so Mom and I were doing Christmas Day. Christmas Eve was just going to be her and I. That is when I got home from work that day, Nancy and everyone had already warned me Christmas Eve it is about getting them out the door so you can lock it. Nancy told me it was all hands on deck that day same as it had been the day after Thanksgiving. I have to admit this was a far cry from the job in my past life and even from being a bartender but I was enjoying it. Nancy told me I seemed to truly enjoy working with the customers and to be honest I did. I am sure the fact I was now the true me had a lot to do with that. I was actually glad I had two days in a row off this week. Mom and I had finished up decorating the house and she even insisted we put lights outside, something she hadn't in several years. We had gotten a fresh blanket of snow the other night and it was lightly snowing while I was finishing up the outdoor decorations. Hell on the hair but it added to my growing festive mood. Yesterday Mom and I had done Christmas shopping and she announced she was now done. I on the other hand still had some to do and that was going to get done today I vowed to myself. Christmas is only a little over a week away Beth and with us being open late all next week and I had told Nancy I would work the entire week this may be my last chance. I put my coffee cup in the dishwasher and went in to get dressed for my day. It's funny I thought as I pulled my jeans on. Even as little as a year ago I loved the feeling and sensations of pulling pantyhose up my legs. Today it felt good not to have to wear them. Sure I still needed a control panty to do the job the control tops did but that didn't seem to matter. At least the hormones had shrunk me so a light control one did a fine job. If anything it was my bra was not comfortable today. Actually they hadn't been as comfortable for a while as they used to be. I know they wear out but it hasn't been that long I have had them, has it? I headed over to the mall and roamed. I still wanted to get something special for Nancy as not only she was she my cousin and boss but we were becoming best friends. Yes I looked to Mom in many ways but Nancy was my age and things are different between generations. As I trekked through the mall I saw some crystal earrings and bracelet I got for Mom. I wanted her to know I appreciated everything. I found nothing for Nancy though so I headed over to the other mall. I finally the perfect sterling silver picture frame at the one place. It said "Cousins by circumstance but friends by choice." It was perfect and I wanted to get it engraved but they said it would be after Christmas before they could get to it. They did say there was a small shop at the strip mall across the street that could do it so I headed over there. They could get it done in the small shop and said come back in an hour. I walked out and saw at the end of the strip a lingerie shop. Have some to time to kill so I may as well go look for a more comfortable bra. It s funny how when you have forms in them it is one thing, a whole lot different when it is you. About the only bra that seemed to fit well was the new one I had bought a few weeks ago and that one was a 36B, all the rest of my bras were 36A. "May I help you?" the woman asked as I came in. "Looking for something for Christmas?" "And every other day," I said. "Looking for a good comfy bra." "Aren't we all?" she laughed. "What size do you need and any ideas as to brand?" "36A and something good for everyday but still feminine," I said. "No offense but you look bigger than a 36A," she said. "When was the last time you were fitted?" "I suppose it has been a while," I said. "I thought so, let's go into the fitting room and see what we have." As I took off my sweater she told me how our bodies change when we get older and way too many women think that in spite of putting on weight and how their bodies change after pregnancy they still think they wear the same bra size they wore in high school. She looked me over and took a couple of measurements. "I see you are wearing a Chantelle which is an excellent high quality bra but I am sure you know not inexpensive," she said. "Do you want to stay with them?" "If it fits right that will be fine," I replied. "these used to be very comfortable when I got them." "I am sure they were and I think I know the perfect bra for you," she said. "You are still a 36 band but a B cup and a full one. No wonder your bra wasn't comfortable. Let me grab a couple and see how they feel." I took off my bra and looked in the mirror. A full B cup! Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would develop this well. OK maybe in my wildest dreams but I always thought maybe a fair B at best. Guess I am really a Blair. As it turned out the Chantelles still fit and felt the best. Maybe I am spoiled but one thing I have definitely learned over the past few weeks, there may be nothing as annoying as an uncomfortable bra. Women complain about girdles or pantyhose or heels but they are a walk in the park next to a poorly fitting bra. I ended with 5 in total, 2 beige, black, pink, and the red lace one I had first tried on. Must have been feeling a little silly because I opted for the matching hip hugger panties to the red one. I left the one beige on and she put my old bra in the bag with my new ones. Well there goes this week's paycheck I thought as I handed her my Visa. They had the picture frame ready when I got back to the jewelry store. I know just the picture to put in it when I give it to Nancy, the one taken at Thanksgiving of her and me in almost matching dresses. It wasn't planned but it happens. I did stop for lunch before heading home. Mom was wrapping presents when I got there so I helped her and did some of my own wrapping. I was opening tomorrow so I headed off to bed about 10. As I changed I took a look at myself in the mirror. I wonder how it will be when I get rid of that last vestige of what I used to be. Granted I may not be a perfect figure but not too bad for a 52 year old woman I giggled. It is funny how I used to have to wear a girdle to give me hips and a butt where now I wear one to hide them. Sure I was nowhere as chesty as the rest of the women in the family but a lot of women would kill to be a full B cup and they are certainly a lot perkier than most women my age. I have noticed they have started to sag just a little lately but maybe now with a proper fitting bra that will stop. At least now I won't be racing home to get out of my bra. As I laid there in bed that night in my mind I saw the picture of me in the mirror and then tried to see it without what was left of my manhood. I As I started to picture that the scene changed and there I was on the bed with my legs spread and a man ready to make me love to me. What's that going to really be like? I have fantasized about that for years and I am getting closer to it. You still have a bit to go to get there but you have come a long way and all for the good. Chapter 35 "Cute panties and I see the bra matches," Mom said as she came into my room Christmas Eve morning. "Some of the new ones you just bought?" "Yes," I smiled as I pulled my pantyhose on. "Figured I may as well be as festive as possible for the holiday." "Makes sense," she smiled back. "So besides me who you going to show them to?" "Mom!" "Just kidding Elizabeth," she laughed. "Maybe I should fish through my drawers, I think I still have a red bra somewhere." "Something tells me you do," I laughed back. "We close at 4 this afternoon but not sure when I will be getting out of there, it has been crazy these last couple of days." "That's fine, I figured we would have a late dinner anyway seeing as we're going to midnight mass, right." "Right," I smiled as I pulled the the green Christmas sweater on. I brushed my hair and checked myself in the mirror. The Christmas sweater and red skirt were festive. I had several Christmas sweaters and had been wearing them the past couple of weeks. I had a new red dress for tomorrow but one more day for the sweaters. I slipped into my red flats and off I went. We were busy from the minute at we opened at 10 until we finally got the last customer out the door at close to 4:30. As Lisa had asked for the day off Courtney came in and helped us. She had her own job and life now but was happy to help her mother out. I sat down for a second and watched as Courtney appeared from the office with a bottle of wine and 4 plastic wine glasses. "Time for tradition," she smiled as she uncorked the bottle. "What's this all about?" I asked. "Like Courtney said tradition," Nancy said. "A few years ago when I actually started making money at this I bought a bottle of wine and we all had a toast after we closed on Christmas Eve and it has been a tradition ever since." "First time I ever tasted wine," Shannon said. "I thought it was horrible but it meant so much to Mom." "I go first," Courtney said as she held her glass up. "Merry Christmas and a special toast to Mom for all she has done for me and understanding when I moved out." The next toast was by Shannon who thanked her sister for moving out so she got a bigger closet and more spoiled. Then Nancy toasted me on how far I had come as a woman but also for being her friend. Now it was my turn. I held my glass up. "Courtney and Shannon I toast you for accepting me and helping me both here at work but also to grow, Now a special toast to you Nancy. You have helped me and showed me so much I don't know how to ever thank you. We may be cousins but we are friends which is most important. To all of you thank you and Merry Christmas." It was fun and the girls took off so Nancy and I finished the bottle of wine. It was a little after 6 when I got home and Mom was happy. We had a late dinner and exchanged gifts. Mom loved the earrings and bracelet and she gave me a diamond bracelet to go with my diamond earrings and pendant. I thanked her for it but more so for understanding and being here for me. We both had to fix our make up after that. It was starting to snow flurry when we left for church. In a way it added to the festive occasion as well as seemed to reinforce everything I had been through this year. A fresh coat of white snow to go with the fresh new start for me. Church was nice and after we got home we had a Christmas drink before going to bed. Busy day tomorrow so you better get some sleep Beth. As I laid in bed that night I thought about the last year and I have certainly come a long way since last Christmas. I had a new life and a family that loved me. I had friends and my health. What else could ask for besides maybe a sugar daddy? All kidding aside yes I would love to have a man in my life but I didn't want to start anything I couldn't go through with long term. I want to be able to offer myself to a man as a complete woman and the body was not there yet. Sure I sometimes felt the "itch" but for now I have my toys to deal with that. Maybe after the first of the year I should see what is around for girls like me. Not for a long term relationship but for some fun and relief. The long term one can wait a little longer.