Delta Sodality - Chapter 2 free porn video

Chapter 2 - Counseling - Two Months Later - "So, you'll be moving to New York, how exciting," she said, taking a note on her legal pad. "Yeah, I managed to get all my credits done in the fall semester, so I graduate in December, then head to Manhattan right after New Years to start." "And your father is coming to the ceremony," she continued. "He is, as far as I know." Saoirse pulled the hem of her dress down again and crossed her legs back the other way. She had become paranoid of flashing people. "Tell me about that." "It's good. It's a good step, I think. He's going to help me move to New York too." "More please," she prodded. She never let Saoirse get away with being vague or obtuse. "Yeah, we've had some good chats lately, like I told you last time. I made sure to go get a beer with him over Labor Day weekend. We didn't go to any of his usual spots, but it was still good. He's still a little weird about going out anywhere with me. He still hasn't told any of his friends and he doesn't want them to see us out because he thinks they'll tease him about taking out a younger woman. Plus, I guess I don't look like other women in that part of Pittsburg," I said, gesturing to myself. "He's worried he'd have to punch out one of his buddies for calling me hot or whatever. I get it. It's a really awkward thing and I don't think he's equipped to deal with it directly. I guess its classic avoidance." Saoirse liked to drop in some psychologist terms every so often, keep the doctor engaged. "I'm sure he isn't. How did being out with him make you feel?" "I liked it. It was nice to hang out with him you know? I made sure not to wear anything too feminine. You know, Steelers cap, Steelers hoodie, jeans and Chuck Taylors. Ordered Iron City or Rolling Rock beer, just to keep it familiar. That seemed to put him at ease so we could talk about whatever. "Did you talk about him? Did you talk about how he was feeling? How he was processing?" she peppered. "To some degree. He told me it's been hard. He feels like his son is dead and I had to remind him that I was right there. He understands, he's not...I don't know, he's not in denial that I'm still here...it's just he doesn't feel like it's me. And he's not wrong. I'm not Rowan anymore. I'm a girl and that makes it hard for him. More so than not, he has to learn how to be a father to a daughter now. I have different issues in my life than Rowan had, and he has to come to terms with my womanhood." "We'll come back to that thought in a moment, I want to explore your thoughts about your womanhood, but let's finish with your dad. How is he coping? Where did you leave it with him?" "He doesn't know what to do about Rowan. He is wondering if he should say that Rowan died and that he just found out that he has a daughter, or something like that. I mean, it's a good point. We haven't figured out what to do about Rowan being gone. At some point, he either needs to be gone gone or he needs to make an appearance. I had to skip going to a cookout. My lawyers, with the help of Octa Genomics' legal team, have made it so that Rowan no longer exists legally, but my friends and relatives will want to see him at some point." "And your Dad?" she asked, not letting Saoirse get off topic. "I think he's gotten over the worst of it. He's not an emotional giant, ok. He doesn't talk about how he feels but through what he did say I can tell he loves me, and he respects what I've done up to this point in my life. He said Mom would be proud of my Ivy League education." Saoirse looked down at her hands and the painted nails that tipped them. She wondered how her mother would react. "I guess he's glad I'm still around and he liked hanging out with me. He's relieved I still like to watch sports with him and he's happy he can help me move next month. What he can't understand is why on earth I'd want to stay a woman. To him, choosing to be a woman would be like leaving all the good things in life behind." "Well I'm glad to hear that you're still spending time with him and working things out. I'm happy to refer someone for him to speak with if you ever think he'd be open to it." Saoirse nodded and chuckled. She has mentioned this several times over these last few weeks but they both knew it would be pointless. "Now let's go back to the notion of womanhood. Do you think becoming a woman is like leaving all the good things in life behind?" "No. Let me start with that. No, it's not leaving the good things behind. It's losing some things and gaining some other things." "Like what? Tell me more." "Well, I can't carry my big suitcase anymore. That's weird. I'm weaker than I was. By a lot. I have new societal norms to live up to like wearing a top to a bathing suit, shaving my legs and armpits. I lost all my favorite clothes, well most of them, because they don't fit anymore or just don't look good on me. I can't pee in an ally anymore, I don't know, I just lost lots of guy stuff. Not all of it matters, but when you're used to something...I guess it's just hard." "And what do you think you've gained?" "You mean besides a monthly cycle?" she smiled, mostly joking. "Yes, besides the ability to create and bring forth life, what else have you gained." The doctor was also really good about repositioning things toward the positive. Saoirse thought for a moment. The point of these sessions was to dig in and get into it. While she had not been too enthused about the idea of seeing a therapist at first, Kristina had insisted pointing out it was the least Octa could do to help make sure she was able to function out in the world. Holding back only wasted the time they had so she tried to push herself to be as open as she could be. She also appreciated that this was one of the only people in the world she could speak to about what she was dealing with. "I am graduating early from Penn with a double degree in chemistry and computer science, Summa Cum Laude, so I've always known I'm smart. But in addition to that, I feel...beautiful. I feel attractive. I feel like I can show my emotions and not be penalized for it. I feel like I can be creative and expressive and it's just being normal. I can wear basically whatever I want and change my look depending on how I feel. You can't do that as a guy. In those ways I've grown a lot. I don't think I'm good at being a girl, er woman, yet, but I'm starting to really enjoy it. "In fact, I would never tell my dad this, but in a lot of ways, I'm happier as a woman. I wasn't unhappy being a guy, I was just bored. I sucked at sports. I was sort of a scrawny geeky guy interested in fantasy card games and science, so that limited what I could go do. I couldn't really go do sporty stuff and I was getting tired of doing the geeky stuff. Now I have access to a whole other part of the world that was primarily reserved for women. Like everything related to beauty - fashion, make up, jewelry, doing your hair. Plus, expression like clothes and colors or fabrics, there really aren't that many restrictions for women compared to men." She paused, unsure of what else to say. "And how do you feel about your body now. When we first started, you were still uncomfortable with it. It was still strange to you." "It's still strange to me. I still have strange flashbacks to having a penis. I still have the urge to sit on my couch with my hand down my pants. But other than that, it's been mostly good. For example, my metabolism hasn't changed much so I'm lucky I don't have to be as careful as most women would say they have to be about food. Still, I'm becoming a model, so I know I'll need to look a certain way. Kind of funny they'll pay me good money to be my scrawny self. So that's a plus too!" That got the doctor to chuckle. "And?" "Well, I have gotten used to my voice. It only seems weird when I hear my old voice, like on recordings. My breasts are becoming less of a big deal, not as noticeable I guess and I got measured for bras that fit well and are comfortable. I think the only part that still isn't quite normal is getting my period. It even sounds weird to say it out loud. But it sucks. I mean forget just dealing with menstruation, the mood swings and the cramps. My nipples hurt. I can't eat certain foods. It's crazy. That is probably the only thing about my body I don't really like. I sort of want to apologize on behalf of the men of the race for what women have to go through." "What about your orgasms?" Saoirse had to believe the doctor liked to ask questions just to see her reaction. This one caught her off guard and she started to blush. "What about them?" she replied to buy a little time. "How do you feel about them? Do you miss ejaculating through your penis?" Saoirse marveled at how one asked a question like that. "Ah..." she mumbled trying to figure out how to answer the question, the warmth glowing from her cheeks. "Yea, I do miss that feeling of release, but it's not really comparable." "So, you have climaxed in your new body?" "I mean...I'm a guy in a woman's body. Of course I've masturbated." "Good, tell me how masturbating made you feel." "Well...it was...amazing. Just like what I was led to believe it would be like for a woman. The concept of multiple orgasms was always just that, conceptual. Now it's a reality and possibly the best thing in all of creation." "I ask this just to make sure we've explored this area thoroughly, not to try to be graphic or unsettling. I want to know how penetration into your vagina makes you feel." The doctor was nothing if not straight forward. Saoirse respected that. "It was bizarre. Truly, utterly bizarre. It seemed like it should hurt, like what I would have thought, you know, sodomy would feel like, but it is exactly the opposite. I found that, like after a short amount of time stimulating myself, I wanted something in me. I wanted it, like it was a reptilian response, which I guess it is. That was crazy." "Have you been able to be sexually active with a partner?" "Not yet. I achieved orgasm through technological means," she said, proud of how diplomatic that sounded. "You used a phallus shaped device, a dildo?" Saoirse imagined the doctor must be a lot of fun at home. "Yes. And in anticipation of your next question, yes, I use it often, like every day." "Saoirse, I'm happy you have such a healthy relationship with your body. It's a really good thing and one that many women struggle with. What about appearance? You mentioned expression," she said looking down at her notes before looking back up to her. "I see you have had your nails done. You have makeup on, you've brought a handbag and you're wearing a very cute dress," she smiled at Saoirse making her statement more of a compliment than an observation. "How have you felt about expressing yourself as a woman outwardly? Any issues with assuming a feminine persona?" "Well, yeah, like we talked about, at first I didn't know what to do. My clothes literally didn't fit me anymore. I was almost the same height, but my shirts hung off me and my pants fell off me. My shoes were too loose to even wear. I think we talked about the first shopping trip. That was also bizarre. I had 'imposter syndrome' for sure standing in the women's department at Bloomingdales and I had to buy a whole new wardrobe. All the salespeople wanted to help me, and I just wanted to crawl under something and hide." "But once I got over wearing the basics, I could see how much better I looked in them. That made me feel better and let me start experimenting with clothes, expressing myself. With the modeling contract, I know I'm expected to look a certain way and be able to wear anything so I'm trying really hard and practicing. It's all good, so long as I remember to keep my legs together," she said, pulling again at the hem of the dress. "I've actually really liked wearing dresses and skirts. Pantyhose are a little weird but not that bad." "How about the accessories. You have your ears pierced I see. You have on some jewelry; a necklace and you're carrying a handbag. Those are different statements of expression than just clothes. The handbag is functional but for women it is as much a statement of expression as anything. How has the 'accoutrement' of femininity treated you?" "The earrings hurt for a while for sure and the jewelry was distracting, but I've been making myself put it on and wear it and now I don't even notice it. Perfume I use sparingly but I kind of like it if I'm honest. And the purse...well that has taken some behavior changing for sure. I leave this damn thing all over the place and then have to come back for it. It's just dumb luck I haven't lost everything in it to theft. I'm trying to be better about that. I have a different bag with no shoulder strap so I can train myself to put it in the crook of my arm like women do. I don't really like carrying it that way though." "And the beauty routine? Make up, skin care, hair. It would appear you have taken that up. How have you been doing with that." "Kind of like the jewelry, ever since my first trip to the salon, I decided to embrace everything about beauty. I decided to think of it like a new class I was taking and so I spent lots of time studying and experimenting. I can't say that my execution is flawless just yet, but I can put on basic makeup, accessorize, pick colors that go with my skin tone and hair, etc..... As weird as it sounds, I think it has really helped with me getting in touch with my femininity and feeling good about being feminine. That helped me feel more comfortable in all the women's clothes I have to wear for my new job as well." "Yes, let's talk about that some. You're becoming a model. That is quite a departure from your science degrees." "It is, for sure. I guess I'll be the most overeducated model out there." "Say more. Do you still want to be a scientist?" "Well...I guess I do. I think modeling actually pays better for one thing. Also, it's an experience I can have now while I'm young. I can be a chemist or scientist later, but I can't do this if I wait." "That's very good rationale. When do you start?" "I have already done some shoots. Actually, I think they were more like training shoots. When I went up to New York at the end of the summer to sign the contract they did some test shots with me and decided I needed some comportment training, so they've been working with me on mannerisms in front of the camera. It is both the stupidest thing you've ever seen and fascinating at the same time." "I can imagine. What have they had you modeling?" "Plenty of sportswear and casual stuff. I'm pretty good at that. What they really want me for is runway and high fashion stuff. Apparently my 34B-24-34 measurements are perfect, but I have to be able to move down the catwalk in a way that they like. Who would have thought walking a straight line would be so complicated?" "And how have you felt wearing these dresses and clothes." "I decided it should be exhilarating and fun and that if it wasn't then this was probably not the line of work I should be in. So, I've really been focused on that, making it fun. It's way easier than being in a lab I can tell you. I've had to remind myself, when I'm standing there in a dress, that it looks completely normal and natural to everyone looking at me, despite how I might feel." Saoirse thought for a moment. "The lingerie shoot was definitely odd though. For one thing, looking down and seeing cleavage is weird, and they always want you to have cleavage. For the department store catalogues, its easy. But for the brand campaigns, you're supposed to be seductive without being slutty. Alluring but not trampy. I just try to give the camera a dead face, maybe pout my lips a little and they seem to like it. But it's definitely weird standing there in some of the bra and panties. Oh, and the garters are really strange! Feeling the straps on your legs pulling on the tops of the stockings which stop at the weirdest part of the top of your thigh...it feels like your pants are falling down but there are straps keeping them hanging just low enough to expose yourself. Also, why would you wear high heels if you're in your underwear? I mean I know why, but it doesn't really make sense... "I guess I need to work on the being sexy thing." Saoirse stopped, letting there be a silence between them which they both knew she would fill. "The makeup for the shoots is kind of weird too," she continued. "It's heavy and you end up looking like someone totally different. I have to say though, getting back to the notion of expression, I think that is one reason why I'm enjoying it. I like looking in the mirror when they are done and seeing the woman they've made me into. At that moment, I could be anyone I want to be. It's amazing. I used to do theatre in high school and it's kind of like that. It's just a play for the camera. I think that's helped me work through whatever trepidation I've had." "Saoirse, as I said, it seems like you are doing really well with body image. I'm not hearing anything that would suggest you have concerns over your figure or your appearance. It all sounds really healthy and that you're doing well accepting who you are now. I'm very pleased by that. I do want to make a note to come back to the modeling in our later sessions because there can be a lot of disfunction in that industry and some women end up engaging in self destructive behavior in order to be a part of it. But I want to move on." She looked down at her notes, flipping back a page where I know she kept questions she had prepared before the session "I wonder, how have you felt you've been treated now that you are a woman? Do you feel like people treat you differently? How has that been for you?" "Yeah, things have been completely different. For one thing, no one knew at university I was Rowan. Octa Genomics has stated very clearly it would be beneficial to both of us not to make the accident public. So, on campus, everyone thinks I'm a transfer. Some of my professors were told that I had transitioned because senior level courses require proof of prior course work, and my prior course work only exists at Penn. I couldn't sit in their classes otherwise. I'm not sure they bought it, but I do look like Rowan if you look closely. So, with the exception of a very small number of people, everyone treats me like a normal woman and yes, I have learned firsthand you get treated differently." She gave Saoirse a look, so she continued. "'Mansplaining' does exist. The guys talk over you in class. Every guy I meet hits on me. Like every guy. That was pretty gross at first and isn't much better now." "Are you attracted to them," she interrupted. "Well..." Saoirse said looking up contemplating. "Yes. I guess I am attracted to them. I definitely caught myself checking out some guys playing basketball when I was at the gym. I can finally take all the Pilates and yoga classes I want with no shame by the way. But yes, I definitely was attracted to them." "How else have people treated you?" "Other women my age are either much nicer to me, or a few are much colder. I think I need to find a class on the dynamics of female relationships. It's complicated stuff!" she said with exasperation. "I don't think 21 years of being a dude has prepared me well for the rigors of female friendship." "It is a fascinating discussion in and of itself, for sure," she chuckled as if reminiscing on her own tangled female relationships. "I have been lucky I live in an apartment by myself in many respects, but when some of the guys hit on me a bit too hard, I definitely get worried about going home alone. That might be another thing I will have to deal with, feeling vulnerable. I used to walk across the college, ah..campus," she corrected herself, "at all hours of the night. Heck, I grew up in a working-class part of Pittsburg, but I was never worried for my safety. Men don't always treat women in a way that lets them feel safe, that's for sure. I understand on a new level why women carry whistles and mace and things like that. I actually watched an online safety video, which was really very helpful. I think the agency I'll be working for has some personal protection classes they offer as well so I'll definitely take one of those." She paused again and the doctor let her sit there while she gathered her thoughts. It's in part why Saoirse liked her so much. She knew when to ask a question and she knew when to be silent, so Saoirse was forced to continue. "I do think I have an advantage in some ways." She cocked her head sideways as if to say, "go on". "I think I'm probably a little more assertive than the average woman. I don't say that to be sexist, I say that only because I was socialized for 21 years with the typical social biases toward men." "Some women find being overly assertive is a detriment to them, not a plus, for just the reason you say. Why do you think it's a plus?" she asked. "Well, I guess that's a good point." she paused again thinking about her answer. "Maybe it will get me in trouble, I don't know, but I'm not afraid to speak up." Again, the doctor made no attempt to speak. "That's a good thing, right? Should I not be assertive? Should I not speak up?" "That's up to you. You have to be who you are Saoirse." Silence. "Back to your question, I definitely have gotten a vibe on occasion that speaking the way Rowan did sort of made me a bitch. I really understand the double standard issues women face now. I think one of the reasons I have a healthy body image is that I never grew up having to worry about body image. So yeah, I'm lucky in some respects." "Undoubtedly there will be more of this kind of discovery. I would just suggest that you be true to yourself. Your first 21 years shaped who you are and that is a good thing. Be who you are. I'm going to back track a bit, and I confess, I did my Master's thesis on human sexuality and since you are one of only two known people in human history to actually biologically switch sexes, I am very curious to know more about your sexual attraction and how you are feeling about that. You mentioned checking out the guys. How are you processing that?" As a budding scientist Saoirse understood and appreciated her question on the multiple levels she had asked it. "I think it's really interesting how the biological imperative of procreation is clashing with a lifetime's worth of conditioning." She could see that had gotten the doctor's attention and she was happy to be able to share something the doctor found so deeply interesting. First year psychology was coming in handy. "I am attracted to men now. Without a doubt and for whatever reason, while I'm masturbating, I'm sometimes thinking of a man having sex with me. It doesn't feel wrong. That said, I spent my entire life looking at women to see if I'm attracted to them. Yes, that was biological too, but it reinforced a societal norm and conditioning that is still deeply ingrained in me. I still find women really attractive and I don't think that is going to go away." "Have you acted on those feelings yet? Asked anyone out?" "Ha! No. I have turned down about 400 offers so far just this semester however." Again, the doctor gave her a quizzical look. Saoirse needed to explain how busy she was. "Look, I knew at the start of the year I was going to push through and finish my two degrees by December. I couldn't hang out with my old friends for obvious reasons and meeting new ones at this point seems not so important since I'm heading to New York anyway. So, I've poured myself into my studies and it looks like I can graduate, as I said, Summa Cum Laude." "Congratulations, that is quite an accomplishment." Her own certificates above her desk suggested she had not only met that benchmark at Harvard, but also exceeded it by becoming a doctor. "Thank you. With all that, there just hasn't been time. Actually, to be honest, there was one woman I wanted to be with, Kristina, but...well then there's the whole homosexual thing and that just added a whole other layer of shit I didn't want to deal with, so I sort of just bagged it. She's been so awesome to me I didn't want to ruin our friendship by making a move on her. Maybe I'll just try to meet someone in New York." "And the men? What about these 400 offers. Did you flirt? Did you talk with them? What did you do?" "I don't really go out so most of this was harmless stuff. At the library, standing in line for whatever or ordering food. Sometimes in class. There's not much to tell you, it was guys being guys and I knew exactly what they wanted." She paused, pondering something that had happened a few weeks prior. "Actually, you will find this interesting. We can agree that there is a reason I was offered a modeling contract, yes?" she asked, again gesturing to herself. "Agreed." "I had been sitting in one of the off-campus caf?'s taking a coffee and studying one afternoon and this table of guys was clearly checking me out. Finally, one of the guys comes up to me and sits down in the other chair at my table. 'I'm like what the fuck guy?' but he starts talking. He asks me what I do, as though I couldn't possibly be a student at an Ivy League school...so there, someone was treating me differently. Anyway, I tell him I'm a model 'cause I'm a little miffed he's interrupting some coding work I needed done for class and I wanted to wind him up a bit. I'm telling you, once he heard I was a model, I could have made this poor kid do anything I asked him to. I made him go get me another coffee to go and when he came back, I told him I'd meet him at a club that night and I left with my free coffee." "And before you ask, I think the takeaway from this is that in this body, I have a lot of power over men. If I wanted to bed that guy, or any of his friends, I probably could have made that happen in about five minutes. That, is a completely new thing for me to deal with. So, have I flirted with any of these guys, not really, just that dude to see if he'd buy me a coffee. I should probably feel bad about that, but he had several hours of his buddies believing he was going to meet up with a model that night. I think that's worth the three bucks for coffee." The Doctor finished scribbling some notes on her pad and examined her watch. "Saoirse, I think that is good for today. Really good progress I think. Oh, and just thinking ahead...We have a few more sessions and then I'll be off for the holidays but like I mentioned to you, we will pick these back up in January in New York. I have a few clients up there and have office days at a colleague's office in Manhattan. It should be very convenient for you, if you aren't off traveling the world that is," she smiled and winked. "Here is the address," she continued, handing Saoirse a card. "And my admin will do the scheduling for you." She paused and looked Saoirse over for a moment. "I am very impressed with your progress, Saoirse. I think you should be very proud of the woman you are and you're right to be excited about the future. I'll see you next week." ****** "How did the session go?" Kristina asked. The Doctor took off her glasses and placed them on the desk. "In all, she is acclimating well to her new life. I don't see any cause for concern at this time." "Any indicated actions?" replied Kristina. "She has very much appreciated your help and guidance. Typically, a trigger would be depression or loneliness, something she wouldn't be able to cope with by herself. I don't see any symptoms of depression but keep in mind that Saoirse doesn't know anyone in New York, and it will be a new environment for her. New city, new job, those are all stressors. It might be wise to give her a social network to rely on. I'm confident if that were put into place, Saoirse would not be a liability. You should also stay close with her. Without giving away her confidences, I believe she would very much enjoy your company." "I see. Interesting. Anything else?" "Nothing I can be specific about. She has acclimated well, like I said, but there is definitely something else she's not sharing with me." "Like she's hiding something?" "It isn't that simple in my line of work. It isn't black and white, she shares or she doesn't. She may well be choosing not to share something with me, but she may also not be aware that there is something she has to share. In other words, it may not be that she is purposely hiding something so much as she just hasn't consciously become aware of it. I don't know, it's just a feeling I have." "Excellent. Thank you, doctor. I'll be in touch." Kristina said sweetly as she ended the call. This was good news. The doctor picked her glasses back up and returned to the patient notes she was writing. She wasn't proud of the arrangement she had entered into with Delta Sodality, but at this point, it was far easier to continue to work with them than it would be to terminate the relationship. She had been warned after all. Besides, in exchange for seeing a very few select patients on their behalf, she was wildly, unreasonably, compensated for the effort. And, while she broke her oath of confidentiality, she had managed to make herself believe it was justified because she was earnestly helping the patients.