Ian, Part 15 free porn video

"Okay, then," I say to myself, before taking a deep breath and walking through the front door of the large, imposing building. For the first time in two years, I'm entering a place of education that's based in London- only unlike that last time, I'm doing so on my own terms. It's odd that my thoughts are brought back to my last day of school, rather than my first day of college, especially as there are a lot of similarities between my first days of college and uni. For starters, I've only been in my new home a few weeks, I'm living away from what had been my home for several months beforehand- and by 'home', I don't just mean house, but city and technically country as well- and, most importantly, I'm going in alone, not knowing whether or not I'll make any friends, especially when they learn that for the first sixteen years of my life, my name wasn't Ian and I wasn't a boy. Well, not legally, anyway. Not for the first time, that change is foremost in my mind as I register at the front desk, grimacing just as I did two years ago when the receptionist takes my ID and frowns in confusion at the 'F' next to the gender field on it. Even though I've been transitioning for two years, which is long enough to qualify for my gender recognition certificate, my application is still being processed, meaning that in the eyes of the law, I am still legally 'Ian the girl'. Thankfully, just as happened two years ago, the receptionist seems to recognise the situation and amends the system so the gender on my student ID says 'M', but it's still a source of frustration. However, as I'm reminded when I idly scratch my chest, it's no longer a source of stress. And in a way, I suppose that's why I'm reminded so much of my last day of school. On that date, I went into school wearing a blouse, a skirt, some make-up and had smooth, hairless legs. And no one looked at me twice. After all, what's weird about a girl looking like that? Okay, on that occasion, they did give me a second look, but only because my formerly long blonde hair had been cropped short- though not as short as it is today. In addition to my hair being shorter than even most of the other guys in the uni, I have a fine layer of stubble on my face, am wearing a fairly clingy long-sleeved t-shirt, a pair of old, dark blue jeans and a pair of rugged brown ankle boots. And other than the fact that at 5' 7" (not counting the thick sole of the walking boots), I'm shorter than other guys, no one is giving me a second look. Well, other than the girls in the university who clearly like what they see! The clothes I'm wearing today aren't that much different than what I wore on my first day of college, of course, but back then, there was one exception- underneath my shirt, I wore a special vest that gave the illusion that I had a flat chest. Today, the flatness is no illusion. Nor are the muscles on my arms, thanks to years of training at my friend's father's boxing gym. In fact, if I were to be stripping to my jockey shorts, the only clue that I was anything other than male would be the fading pink scars halfway up my ribcage. Of course, if I were to take off my jockey shorts, the game would be up, but that's a problem for another time entirely. And, of course, the biggest reason my stress levels are so (relatively) low is because the biggest source of my stress is no longer present. After the confrontation at the start of summer, my mother, as promised, moved back to Cardiff, where thanks to grandma's constant presence, she stayed out of my life, holding back all criticism of my lifestyle and my choices. By the middle of September, she'd become almost tolerable to live with, which made it even harder when the time came for me to move back to London for uni. It was of course much harder to leave Chloe than it was mum or even grandma, though we have at least promised to keep in touch on Skype at least twice per week. Of course, my father and his witch of a mother still live in London, though after the left hook I gave him at Christmas, I doubt he'll be in any hurry to confront me again! All I have to worry about is studying hard over the next three years, keeping my new student flat in order and not wasting all of my student loan on beer and videogames. And believe me, compared to the first 16 and a half years of my life, this will be a doddle. My tension lessens over the course of the morning as I sign up for the student union and check out the various societies in the university. My friends Sarah and Jacinta were on the committee of their college's LGBT society, and as their college is part of the same university as mine, I figured the least I could do is show my support to the society as well. Needless to say, I also sign up for the college's gaming society! As I head to lunch, my mind once again drifts back to my first day at college and my final day of school. On my final day of school, I hung out (as always) with Maisie and the rest of the cheerleading squad, girls with whom I felt very little connection beyond the fact we studied the same subjects at the same school- and, as much as I hated it, wore the same uniform. On my first day of college, thanks in part to wearing my old Arsenal cap, I immediately made friends with three guys with whom I grew closer in one day than I did with Maisie, or for that matter, Abbey- Gayle, Brooke or Georgie, throughout the previous two years. The fact that I now live with one of those guys is proof enough of that. As I head into the university's cramped cafeteria, even though I'm not wearing my cap, I can't help but wonder how many friends I'll make today. After all, as my friend Jamie (whose birthday party Lee and I were privileged to attend last week) always says, you can never have too many friends. As it transpires, I don't speak to anyone at lunch beyond the odd 'hi' as I sit down to eat- everyone is obviously also nervous on their first day- but when I head into my first seminar, I find myself immediately drawn toward two guys who are sat by themselves in the corner of the room, at a table I'd immediately have headed to had it been unoccupied. The fact that the taller of the two guys is wearing a t-shirt with Iron Man's helmet on it helps to put me at ease. As I approach, I am obviously a little apprehensive about introducing myself to the two guys. Obviously, they'll inevitably find out about my 'status', and when they do, there's no guarantee they'd want to have anything at all to do with me, but then again, if they get to know me first, like Rob, Neil and Lee did, then it'll be easier to overlook any awkwardness my 'status' may cause. And in addition to Jamie's most famous advice, another saying she's fond of is 'you only regret the things you don't do'. "Hey," I say cautiously as I approach the table. "Is- is anyone sitting here?" "No, help yourself," one of the two, a skinny guy with golden blond hair, replies. "I'm Mac, by the way, this is Ben." "Ian," I reply as I shake the two guys' hands. "Ian Freeman, nice to meet you." "I'm guessing by the accent that you're living away from home, then?" Ben- a shorter guy (the same height as me when sat down) with darker hair says with a grin. I forgot for a second that there were other characteristics about me other than the obvious one that might set me apart from everyone else, especially when compared to Mac and Ben's very London accents. "Umm... Yes and no, actually," I reply. "I was born in Cardiff, moved to London when I was, like, 2 or 3, moved back to Cardiff when I was 16 to live with my grandmother." "So, are you here on your own, then?" Mac asks. "Umm, sort-of," I reply. "If you mean the university, then yes, if you mean London, then no, I'm living with a friend from Cardiff." I bite my lip before proceeding- the temptation is to tell the two guys about our Robot Wars appearance, but I don't want to come across as a showoff less than five minutes after meeting them. The same reason applies for not telling them about my friendship with Jamie- that and the more obvious reason... "Where are you living?" Mac asks, making my decision for me whether to boast. "Umm, Highbury," I reply. "Near the Emirates stadium." "Poor you," Ben says with a smug snort of laughter, making both myself and Mac roll our eyes. "Spurs fan," Mac explains with a heavy sigh. "Poor you," I snort as Ben's grin grows wider. "Have you two known each other long?" "Umm, about five minutes," Ben replies with a chuckle. "I sat down, Mac showed up about 30 seconds later. Don't even know what his actual first name is, 'Mac' is short for his surname, MacFarlane." "First name isn't 'Seth' by any chance?" I ask, making both guys laugh- at the very least, we share a love of Seth MacFarlane cartoons. "I wish," Mac laughs. "What uni's your flat mate going to, then?" "UCL," I reply, earning rightfully impressed looks from the two guys. "Studying robotic engineering, that sort of thing." "Nice," Mac chuckles. "So he's, like, proper brainy then?" "Umm, when it comes to electrical and mechanical stuff, yeah," I reply, before biting my lip as a look of recognition spreads across Ben's face. "Ah, THAT's where I know you from!" My new friend says with a grin. "You were on the last series of Robot Wars, weren't you? With that spinny robot with the weird name?" "Chwilen, the Welsh word for beetle," I reply as a smile creeps across my face- though try as I might, I can't help but tense up as my new friends' attention fully focusses on me. All throughout the summer I attended meetings with my counsellor in Cardiff, and on many occasions, mum came along as well to help us through our (extremely large) number of issues, one of which was my stressing out any time I came into contact with anything even remotely fame-related. Thanks to these meetings, I've been able to take pride in my accomplishments (which include Robot Wars), and mum's continued promises to keep off my back have made my life a lot more comfortable, and me a lot more confident. Though as hard as I try, occasions like this will probably always make me uncomfortable... "Well- it's still cool," Ben says with a grin. "I know I've never been on TV." "Me either," Mac says as I start to fidget uncomfortably in my seat, something not helped by Ben suddenly frowning, as though he's remembered something- and it doesn't take a robotics engineer to figure out what particular thing about Team Chwilen was out of the ordinary... "Yeah..." I say, nervously scratching my head. "So, umm, are- are you an Arsenal fan then, Mac?" "Umm, no, West Ham," Mac says, clearly confused by my suddenly changing the topic of conversation. "Okay..." "Yeah..." I grimace as I desperately think of something else to say. "What- what was Dara O?Briain like?? Mac asks, making me fidget once again. ?Umm, he was okay, didn?t speak to him that much,? I reply. ?Spent most of my time backstage, you know, doing repairs, that sort of thing. Look, umm, I?d rather not talk about this if you don?t mind, I- I kinda, umm.. Kinda had a fight with my girlfriend when we were recording it. We worked out it eventually though.? ?Ah, fair enough,? Mac says. ?Is- is she still in Cardiff? Or at a different uni?? ?She?s only seventeen, so still in Cardiff,? I reply. ?Hopefully going to LCF next year.? ?Ah, cool,? Mac chuckles. ?Guess you?re looking forward to that, then?? ?Just a little,? I chuckle. ?Especially as grandma won?t let us have any ?sleepovers? at her house and Chloe?s family kinda hate me.? ?What, just ?cause you?re a year older?? Mac asks, making me fidget again- that is, of course, not the reason for Chloe?s family disapproving of her going out with me, and the look on Ben?s face tells me he might just have figured everything out... Fortunately, before the conversation can get any more awkward, our tutor arrives and introduces himself, and we soon immerse ourselves in the learning material. The workload of the course definitely looks daunting, but it?s a challenge I?m eager to get stuck into, and it?s clear that my new friends are as well. The awkwardness that had briefly fallen over the table is soon replaced by enthusiasm about the next three years, and by the time our tutor dismisses us, spirits at the table are high once again. ?This... Isn?t gonna be easy!? Mac chuckles as we stuff our materials into our bags. ?Nah,? Ben agrees. ?But no reason it can?t be fun, heh.? ?Too right,? I say with a half-exited, half-tired chuckle. ?Are you two heading back home now? I was thinking of, you know, hitting the student union bar, getting a couple of drinks?? ?Ah... I?d love to, but I really am kinda expected back home,? Ben replies. ?Yeah, same here,? Mac sighs. ?Maybe another day this week?? ?Umm, sure,? I say. ?How about tomorrow?? ?Ah- yeah, Tuesday evenings aren?t usually good for me...? Mac replies, scratching his head awkwardly before shrugging. ?Kinda- kinda got a family thing, that?s all.? ?Oh- umm, okay,? I say, wondering what Mac?s secret could be. Given that he?s over six feet tall, it?s unlikely to be the same ?secret? as me, but it?s obviously something that?s eating away at him, and I know better than to poke at what could be a very sensitive area for him. ?What ?family thing??? Ben, who?s obviously not afraid to touch a sensitive area, asks. ?Ehh... Guess you?ll find out sooner or later,? Mac says, embarrassingly scratching his head again. Surely he can?t be... I think to myself. ?I- I kinda, umm... I kinda play Warhammer on Tuesday nights with my dad.? Is- is that it? I think to myself. Here I was, expecting some dark secret like being a member of Britain First or a Morris dancer (or maybe even a crossdresser, though obviously there?s nothing wrong with that), but his deep, dark secret is something I occasionally do- and love doing? ?Yeah, I know,? Mac sighs. ?Check out the nerd, right?? I open my mouth to reply, but before I do, I?m again interrupted by my other new friend. ?Umm, hardly,? Ben chuckles. ?Seriously, I?ve never played Warhammer, and definitely wouldn?t ever play with my dad, but I love stuff like that.? ?Well, umm, okay!? Mac chuckles, clearly relieved to have one new friend who shares his hobby- though his nerves clearly return when he glances at me. ?...What?? I ask. ?I HAVE played Warhammer. Liked it too, not as much as X-Wing as I usually only played in groups of 4 or 5.? ?...Seriously?? Mac asked, his face screwed up in confusion. ?YOU?VE played Warhammer?? ?Played a game of 40k once too,? I reply with a proud, smug grin. ?Is that REALLY so surprising?? ?Well- I just thought, you know...? Mac mumbles, making me tense up- here it comes, I?ve obviously been ?sussed? now... ?With your designer t- shirt, your obvious muscles and your haircut, I just thought, you know, you were a male model or something, too cool to be a, umm, a geek...? As Mac speaks, even though I know it?s intended as a compliment, I can?t help but feel my tension levels rise as every word he says is a word that would make my mother increasingly proud... ?Yeah, well, I?d have thought that being on Robot Wars was a clue,? I retort, making my friends chuckle, which thankfully eases my stress a little. ?The fact that you have a girlfriend kinda isn?t,? Ben retorts, making me laugh. ?As is the fact you wanted us to go to a bar. Are you sure you don?t have any, you know, model friends?? Okay, he DEFINITELY knows, I think to myself, before snapping myself out of my paranoia. ?Umm, no, not really,? I reply, internally grimacing- less than 8 hours after meeting my new friends, I?m not only lying to them, I?m also denying many of the good friends that I already have. Then again, considering the alternative is to say ?yes, I?m good friends with the Angels, particularly Jamie-Lee Burke as I used to be a girl and anatomically still am from the ribcage downward?, a small white lie shouldn?t be too damaging for now. I hope not, anyway... ?Hmm, okay,? Ben says, clearly unconvinced by my explanation. ?So, then, tomorrow night?s out... Wednesday?s our free day, want to meet up then?? ?We- we?ll make plans tomorrow,? I say. ?Don?t want to hold you guys up any further and I kinda need to get home too, heh.? ?Okay,? Mac shrugs. ?See you guys tomorrow, heh!? ?Yep, see you!? I say with a smile as I head out of the university and to the nearby tube station. During the ride home, my thoughts are occupied partially by the demands of my course, but mostly by the two new friends I?ve made today. I knew- well, I?d hoped that I?d make new friends at university, if not on the first day then certainly within the first week. And Ben and Mac (or whatever his real name is) seem like nice enough people. Them having similar interests to me is certainly a coincidence, but a welcome one, though if they?d been into clothes and cars I?d have been equally happy to call them my friends- you can never have too many, after all. Even if that phrase makes me feel guilty about lying to my new friends about my older ones... My fledgling friendship with Mac and Ben also reminds me of the first days of my friendship with Lee, Neil and Rob, with the main difference being that they were friends before meeting me (though they never made me feel like an outsider, even when they found out my ?secret?), whilst with Mac and Ben, I have the chance to start a new friendship group from scratch. It?s not escaped my attention that if you count Abbey-Gayle and her gang, it?s my third such friendship group in as many years. Maybe I?m just a naturally likeable person, I dunno. Certainly having as many friends as I do makes it easier for me to like myself, especially as the faint scars on my wrist are a constant reminder that that hasn't always been the case. Of course, there?s no guarantee my friendship with Ben and Mac will survive even one second beyond them finding out what letter is printed next to ?gender? on my ID. Say what you will about Abbey-Gayle and her gang, but they accept me as one of the boys without question, and just because ben and Mac are self-confessed nerds doesn?t mean they?ll automatically accept me. Chloe?s sister is proof enough of that... Unsurprisingly, the flat is empty when I eventually walk through the front door, but it doesn't stay that way for long. ?Hi honey, I?m home!? Lee says in a cheerful voice as he walks through the front door. ?Very close to crossing a line there,? I caution my friend as I take two cottage pies out of the freezer and start warming them up in our new microwave. ?Meh, I would be if you didn?t have more muscles than me,? Lee retorts. ?I?ve got the brains, you?ve got the brawn. That?s why this friendship?s so successful.? ?I suppose there?s a compliment hidden in there somewhere,? I snort. ?Good first day?? ?Yeah, not bad,? Lee replies. ?Was able to use Chwilen to get me a lot of kudos, which was fun.? ?So you?re happy to leech off your girlfriend?s fame, then?? I say, smirking as Lee rolls his eyes. ?And I?m not crossing a line THERE as you do now have a girlfriend.? ?Yeah, but you?re hurting HER feelings,? Lee retorts. ?Whose, Chwilen?s or Jemma?s?? I ask, smirking again as Lee groans in frustration. ?You know the answer to that one,? my friend replies as he gets his dinner out of the microwave. ?Speaking of, you going to call Chloe later?? ?Yes, obviously,? I reply. ?You calling either Jemma or Chwilen?? Naturally, this earns another derisive snort from Lee. ?The one who can actually talk back,? Lee replies. ?And before you make another comment, I?m an engineer, not a programmer, I can?t put any A.I. into Chwilen. Yet.? ?Emphasis on ?yet?,? I say as I get my dinner from the microwave and sit down next to Lee on the sofa. ?So, umm, did- did you make any new friends today?? ?Aww, feeling a little jealous?? Lee teases, making it my turn to roll my eyes. ?No, just curious,? I reply. ?And if it makes you jealous, I met two guys on my course today who have a lot in common with both of us. Hell, one even plays Warhammer.? ?Okay, that IS cool,? Lee says with a nod. ?Should get them over for a gaming session some time.? ?Might do Wednesday,? I say. ?Sounds cool,? Lee says. ?Let?s just make Neil and Rob jealous instead of the girls, heh. Though Jemma certainly doesn?t have any need to be jealous, heh.? ?Not many girls on your course, then?? I ask. ?Outnumbered something like eight to one,? Lee replies. ?Pity really, and not for the reasons you?re no doubt thinking.? ?No, I agree with you, more girls should get into STEM courses,? I reply. ?Think the Angels have been doing some promotional stuff surrounding that, even.? ?Ah,? Lee says with a look of smug realisation on his face. ?Now I?m guessing THAT link got you some kudos on your course, then?? ?Well- umm...? I mumble. ?Maybe not with the Warhammer crowd,? Lee continues. ?But- and this is NOT a criticism- I?m guessing boys DON?T outnumber girls eight to one on your course?? ?Umm, girls outnumber us about three to two,? I reply. ?Won?t mention that to Chloe, though.? ?Was about to say,? Lee says, before a serious look spreads over his face- and it?s obvious what question?s coming next. ?So, umm, do your new friends, do- do they know-? ?Didn?t come up,? I say. ?You know it will eventually,? Lee says. ?Probably sooner rather than later, it can?t be a coincidence you?ve covered up your tattoo today.? ?Yeah, kinda getting close to a sensitive topic there, mate,? I say in the hopes of dissuading Lee from continuing. ?If you say so,? Lee shrugs, returning to his dinner as I?m forced to silently concede his point. Fortunately, my mood improves almost immediately after the end of dinner when I head into my small bedroom, fire up my laptop and open Skype. Mere seconds later, a call comes through, and I?m greeted by the grinning face of my girlfriend. ?Hey, sexy!? Chloe giggles at me. ?Hey, sexiER!? I reply, making the flame-haired girl giggle even more. ?Get a room!? Lee shouts from the other side of the (sadly, very thin) bedroom door. ?We?re in a room, moron!? Chloe shouts from my screen. ?With too thin walls!? I say, making my girlfriend giggle. ?Something we?re going to have to remember when you visit, heh!? Naturally, this earns another giggle from Chloe! ?Ahh, I SO can?t wait to come to London,? Chloe sighs happily. ?Both to visit and when I start uni, hehe!? ?I can?t wait either,? I reply with a happy sigh of my own. ?You can?t be short of friendly faces, though?? Chloe asks. ?Though I hope when I move to London I?ll be more than just a ?friendly face??? ?Yes, of course you will,? I chuckle. ?And I have already made a couple of new friends.? ?Hmm,? Chloe murmurs. ?When I said ?friendly faces? I did mean the other people who have that sexy tattoo on your sexy arm, hehe!? ?Oh- oh, right, yeah,? I say, trying not to fidget uncomfortably. As much as I adore Chloe, she?s second only to mum when it comes to causing me stress over my friendship with the Angels. ?Probably won?t get to see them as much once I really get into it, umm, the work and everything...? ?Yeah, I suppose,? Chloe sighs sadly. ?Are- are either of your new friends g- girls?? ?No, both male,? I reply, and even though she tries to hide it, I can easily tell just how relieved Chloe is by this news. Paranoia is another thing she has in common with mum... ?Can?t wait to meet them!? Chloe giggles, before grimacing as her bedroom door opens off-screen and a familiar voice makes its presence known. ?Chloe?? The unmistakable voice of my girlfriend?s older sister asks as she comes into view of the webcam. ?Who are you talking t- ugh, for god?s sake...? I roll my eyes as the older girl immediately sneers upon seeing my face. ?Hi Hannah,? I say in a deadpan voice. ?You move all the way to London and still you can?t stop harassing my sister?? Hannah spits down the webcam at me. ?You disgusting little freak!? ?Why don?t you just fu-? I snap back, only to be interrupted by my girlfriend. ?Just drop the act, Han,? Chloe sneers with a smug grin on her face. ?Everyone knows you?ve got no problem with transgendered people, so what is it? Jealousy ?cause I?ve got a hunk and you haven?t?? ?A ?hunk? without a dick?? Hannah retorts, making my blood start to boil. ?Two words, Han: Thirteenth. Doctor,? Chloe says, smirking as her sister scowls before storming out of the bedroom. ?...She not a fan of Jodie Whittaker, then?? I ask, smirking as Hannah slams the door behind her. ?No, the opposite, she loves her,? Chloe replies. ?Think she doesn?t want to love her, but she?s such a huge Whovian she does anyway, hehe! We?re even thinking of going to a local comic-con next month as different versions of the Thirteenth Doctor.? ?Cool,? I say. ?I could probably pull off an Eleventh Doctor at a pinch if you think she?ll start to tolerate me by then?? ?...Not your worst suggestion actually!? Chloe giggles. ?But only because Hannah went to London comic-con last year as the Eleventh Doctor.? ?And she has the nerve to criticise me?? I say with a snort of laughter. ?It wasn?t exactly the same thing that Matt Smith wore,? Chloe giggles. ?Hannah made a Doctor-themed Playboy Bunny costume. Said she was inspired by the bow tie.? ?Ah, okay,? I say, a sly grin creeping across my face. ?Don?t suppose she?d let you borrow it?? ?You wish,? Chloe replies, making me smirk as she sticks her tongue out at me. ?So do I, actually, my dad nearly had a heart attack when he saw photos of Han wearing it, god knows his reaction if he sees me in it, hehe!? ?Just as long as he doesn?t suggest that I should be the one wearing it,? I say with a derisive snort, to which my girlfriend replies by raising her index finger. Chloe and I share a smirk as I slowly remove my t- shirt, revealing my bare chest. ?And that?s why you shouldn?t wear it,? Chloe purrs. ?You don?t ?fill? it, hehe!? I smirk as I flex my fledgling pectoral muscles for my girlfriend, before relaxing back onto my bed as Chloe and I while away the rest of the evening chatting with each other. Before I head to bed, I briefly log into Facebook to see if I have any notifications or messages, and I smirk as I see I have one unread message from the man who?s dubbed himself my unofficial mentor. ?Hey Ian,? Stuart?s message reads. ?Hope you had a good first day at uni today, message me when you get the chance.? ?Hey mate,? I quickly type in reply. ?Yeah, was good thanks, made some new friends, that sort of thing.? ?Cool,? Stuart replies mere seconds after I send my message. ?Not doing anything tonight then?? I ask with a ?sticking out tongue? emoji. ?On a Monday? No, funnily enough,? Stuart replies. ?Watching Olivia sleep on the baby monitor with one eye, trying to write down lyrics with the other one.? ?You?d have better luck if you use your hands,? I reply, earning in return an emoji of a hand with only one digit extended. ?Charming, especially after I message you asking how you are,? Stuart types. ?Seriously though, did day one go okay?? ?Yeah, mostly,? I reply. ?Mostly?? Stuart asks. ?Guessing there was a bit of a stressful moment then, hope it wasn?t too bad?? I let out a long sigh before typing out my reply- this is a discussion me and Stuart have had plenty of times in the past. ?Just a Robot Wars fan,? I type, which gets a ?nodding? emoji from Stuart. ?Yeah, I know the stress that causes you,? Stuart types. ?Still though, at least that means you?re among other nerds, right?? ?Yep,? I reply with a smiling emoji. ?Still stresses me out though, but my counsellor has given me a few pointers that help.? ?Glad to hear it,? Stuart replies with a smiling emoji of his own. ?Do any of them know about ?you know what??? ?Not yet,? I type, trying not to frown as I feel my stress levels rise again. ?Want them to actually start liking me first.? ?I get that,? Stuart types. ?I was pretty much the same way when I went to uni, wanted to make friends on my own merit, that sort of thing. Luckily I met my eventual best mate fairly quickly. Even luckier for you, you already live with him.? ?Yeah, true,? I type. ?I figure they?re less likely to see me as ?Ian the transgendered guy? if they get to know me as ?Ian the guy? first.? ?Hell, that worked for me,? Stuart types. ?On both sides of things, if you get my meaning.? ?Yeah,? I reply. ?Maybe it?d help if you told them you were a musician too?? Stuart says with a ?laughing? emoji. ?I?ve had 4 bass guitar lessons, that hardly makes me a musician,? I reply. ?That?s 4 more than most bassists have had,? Stuart replies with a ?sticking out tongue? emoji. ?You still up for number 5 on Wednesday?? ?Sure,? I reply. In truth, I?m not all that fussed about learning to play the bass guitar, but I do enjoy getting to spend time with Stuart and his friend Mikey (who does the actual teaching during the lessons). ?And on a related note,? Stuart types, ?it?s our band?s drummer?s birthday on Saturday, you up for the party or gonna be too busy hanging out with your ?real? mates?? ?You and the band are my real mates,? I reply with a ?rolling eye? emoji. ?I?ll be there.? ?It?s going to be recorded for the next series of the Angels,? Stuart explains. ?I?ll have a word with the crew and try to keep them away from you.? ?I don?t mind,? I reply. ?Don?t go to any trouble just for me.? I bite my lip as I send this message- in truth, I would really appreciate it if Stuart could somehow keep the cameras pointed away from me throughout the party, but on the other hand, I don't want that to ruin the party, and as time passes I am getting genuinely less stressed about the whole 'fame' thing. Even if today's awkwardness might hint otherwise... ?Wow, your counsellor IS good,? Stuart types with a ?laughing? emoji. ?Seriously, I?m glad to hear you?re feeling a little better about the whole ?fellowship? thing, and not just ?cause I like having a little brother lol.? ?Hilarious,? I type with another ?rolling eye? emoji. ?Anyways, Jamie?s calling so I?d better let you get back to whatever you were doing,? Stuart types. ?See you Wednesday!? ?See you then!? I type, before plugging my phone into charge and climbing into bed. The day?s events must have tired me more than I expected, as the next thing I know my phone?s alarm is going off, and I?m dragging my tired body through to the flat?s tiny bathroom to shower and get ready for the day ahead. Lee has already gone out and my first lecture isn't until the afternoon, but that doesn't mean I have the entire morning free. A few minutes (and two tube rides) later, I?m walking through the front door of a very posh building in the centre of the city, where I?m only waiting a few minutes before being called through to one of the building?s clinics. My counsellor isn't cheap, but in exchange for a quick divorce, my father was only too happy to turn over a sizeable chunk of his wages to mum each month, and in turn, she helps to pay to keep my mental health in check. Which, considering the damage she's done to it over the last 18 years, is the least she can do... ?Good morning, Ian,? Dr Phillips says as I sit down on her plush sofa. ?Hi,? I reply with a nervous smile. Even though Dr Phillips is not just a highly professional counsellor, but also the mother of one of my closest friends, she still makes me feel nervous every time I come in for a session. However, the nerves quickly fade when Dr Phillips smiles reassuringly and asks her first question. ?How did your first day of university go?? The older woman asks with a warm smile. ?Umm, it was good, thanks!? I reply with a chuckle. ?Bit nervous at first, but I quickly, you know, settled in, made a couple of new friends.? ?That?s good to hear,? Dr Phillips says. "I'm sure you know the question I'm about to ask next." "I do," I sigh. "And the answer is: no, they don't, not yet anyway." "I see," Dr Phillips says with a nod. "May I ask why you haven't told them yet? Not that you should feel pressure to do so, of course." "I- I just felt it shouldn't be important," I reply. "I mean, they're going to see me as a guy, they're going to make friends with me as a guy, why should I need to, you know, complicate it?" "Which is a valid point," Dr Phillips states. "You shouldn't feel obliged to tell every random person you meet that you were born into the wrong gender. However, friendship implies a certain level of trust and intimacy. Not to the level that you should tell them everything about you, but like it or not, transgender issues are still a controversial topic in this country." "And potential friends might feel betrayed if this is kept from them?" I ask. "True friends would never feel betrayed," Dr Phillips says. "They would, like you say, like you for being you, regardless of genetics or any other irrelevance. But we don't have the luxury of knowing that the first person we meet at a new place, be it a college or university, will be a close friend." "And it's better to play it safe?" I ask. "That's always sound advice whenever you set foot in a new and unfamiliar place for the first time," Dr Phillips says. "And there are ways of approaching the topic that aren't 'abrupt'." I nod and begin to take notes as Dr Phillips imparts more of her wisdom to me for the rest of the session. With my weekly obligation out of the way, and my mind filled with advice I intend to act on, I head to the nearest bus stop where I wait for my ride to my university for the afternoon?s lecture. As I get off the bus, however, I'm greeted by a familiar face. ?Hi Ian!? Mac says with a grin as he approaches me from behind. ?I thought that was you!? ?Oh, hey Mac,? I say. ?Yeah, umm, just- well, obviously heading to uni, heh.? ?Mind if I walk with you?? Mac asks. ?Umm, sure,? I reply with a smile. ?Kinda surprised I?d meet up with you coming this way to uni,? Mac says. ?Thought you said you lived in Highbury? I?d have expected you to come from near Victoria.? ?Oh- umm, I was- I was doing some shopping first,? I say, trying not to fidget at my obvious lie. ?Umm... You don?t have any bags with you,? Mac retorts, making me frown. ?Okay, I-? I say, before sighing. Now REALLY isn?t the time or the place for Mac to learn the truth... ?I- it- it was kinda personal, okay? Can- can I leave it at that?? ?Umm, okay,? Mac says, obviously shocked by my sudden hostility. ?If it?s personal I- well, umm, yeah.? ?Thanks,? I say softly, grimacing despite myself as we head into the university in silence. Thankfully, the silence is broken when we meet up with Ben outside the lecture hall, but I still feel uncomfortable as we take our seats. It?s true that the longer I wait before telling them the truth about me, the greater the chance of them getting to genuinely like me, but as Dr Phillips implied, the longer I wait, the longer I?ll be effectively lying to them. But am I lying, though? I told Mac and Ben that my name is Ian and that I am a man. That is not only the truth now, but as far as I?m concerned, it always has been. My name is NOT Kayleigh-Ann, and as far as I?m concerned, it never was. I am NOT a girl, and as far as I?m concerned, I never was, regardless of how long it takes the gender recognition board to pull their fingers out. After the lecture, the whole class heads to the computer lab to research some of the topics that were covered, and me and my two new friends quickly find ourselves huddled around a single screen looking at various learning materials. It isn?t long, though, before discussion turns to other university-related matters. ?So then,? Ben says with a grin, ?I?m guessing you?ve both joined the uni gaming society?? ?Worked in a GAME store for two years, so, well, yeah,? I reply. ?That?s ?GAME? as in the brand, like.? ?Yeah, I guessed,? Ben chuckles. ?Mac?? ?Yep,? Mac replies. ?That and the film society, always been interested in making videos, little short films, that sort of thing.? ?Cool,? Ben says with a grin. ?I?m only doing the gaming society this year, don?t want to spread myself too thin, heh. Ian, are you in any other societies?? ?Hmm?? I reply, half-listening to the conversation as I try to focus on the screen in front of me. ?Oh, umm, yeah, I?m also in the L-? I pause as I suddenly realise that the next three letters I?m about to say- particularly the last one- are going to make life a lot more awkward a lot earlier than I had hoped. Then again, I can hardly stop dead mid- sentence, and I should look at this as an opportunity to get everything out in the open. After all, I?ve got nothing to be ashamed about... ?L...?? Mac asks, making me frown as the whole room seemingly falls silent. ?...GBT,? I mumble, trying to blink back tears as my face starts to turn red. ?...Well what the hell?s wrong with that?? Mac asks in a matter of fact voice. ?Okay, so you?re obviously not L, and presumably not G either as you mentioned having a girlfriend, and if you?re B or T, so what?? ?You- you?re sure?? I ask, smiling as Mac and Ben both nod. ?Yeah, so what?? Ben shrugs. ?Nothing for you to be ashamed of., it?s just part of who you are, right?? ?Well, yes,? I say, biting my lip. ?And if I told you I was ?T? rather than ?B?-? ?Same difference,? Ben shrugs. ?Like if I told you I was Jewish, it wouldn?t matter either. Or if we ever find out what Mac?s first name actually is, that wouldn?t matter either.? ?Well- thanks,? I say with a sigh. ?Kinda stressful every time I go somewhere new and have to explain to everyone, you know?? ?Yeah, I can kinda get that,? Mac says. ?Though you could always have just, you know, not told us?? ?...And then people get pissed off at me for keeping secrets from them,? I say. ?Do you remember what happened with Jamie-Lee Burke, or Steph Abbott?? ?Umm... No,? Ben says. ?Neither of those names actually ring a bell with me.? I open my mouth to reply, before remembering that as close friends as I may be with them and as famous as they are, it doesn?t mean that everyone will know their name. I let out a small shudder as I realise that not only would mum deeply approve of me name-dropping my friends like that, I would also be the very type of person she'd want me hanging out with... ?I know who Steph Abbott is,? Mac says, surprising me. ?You- you do?? I ask. ?Really?? ?Yeah, my little sister?s a big Out of Heaven fan,? Mac shrugs. ?Personally, I think it?s cool there?s a girl band out there with a transgendered member.? ?Well- thanks,? I say with a genuine relieved smile. ?It really is a weight off to know that you two don?t have any problem with, well, me.? ?Ian, mate, it?s 2018, the only people who have a problem are god- botherers and the UKIP brigade,? Mac says. ?Yeah, I wish it was just limited to those two groups,? I snort. ?Can tell you a few horror stories. My girlfriend?s sister, for starters.? ?Eesh,? Ben says. ?...Just- just so we?re clear, right, you- were-? ?Female, transitioning to male, that?s right,? I confirm to understanding nods from my two friends. ?And no, I?m not telling you what my name used to be, as that?s as irrelevant as Mac?s first name.? ?Good man,? Mac chuckles. ?Thanks,? I chuckle. ?And for that ?man? comment I can try to see if I can get Steph Abbott to send some signed stuff to your sister if you?d like?? ?...So, you actually KNOW Steph Abbott, then?? Mac asks. ?Yeah,? I reply with a nervous chuckle. ?It- it?s a long story, but yeah, we?re friends, and not just ?cause we?re both trans, but we have other non-trans friends in common. Like I said: long story.? ?Meh, that?s still cooler than literally anyone else I know,? Mac shrugs. ?And yes, my sister would love some signed stuff if you can get it, but no pressure if you can?t, honestly.? ?Meh, all I have to do is send a text,? I say as I get my phone out of my pocket. ?What?s your sister?s name?? I frown as Mac hesitates before answering. ?...Mac?? ?It- it?s Yuna,? Mac replies. ?Y-U-N-A.? ?Huh, that?s a unique name,? I shrug as I compose a text message to my friend Nikki (who acts as PA to the Angels and occasionally to out of Heaven as well). ?I?ll let you know when I hear back, okay?? ?Umm, sure,? Mac says, suddenly as distracted and uncomfortable as I was immediately before coming out to him and Ben. ?Anyway, think we?ve spent enough time not working, heh,? I say as I turn my attention back to the computer screen, my new friends quickly following suit. As we work, I feel myself relax more and more, safe in the knowledge that my new friends have learned the truth about me, and if anything, it?s only made them like me even more. Sure, there?ll be times when this won?t be the case- every university has the occasional moron, after all- but I?m confident that those times will be in the minority. And even if they aren?t, that?s why the LGBT society exists- to provide a guaranteed safe space for when I?m feeling vulnerable. And there's at least one other person I know who'll also be in the society... As we leave the university at the end of the day, though, I?m reminded exactly why such safe spaces are necessary when the three of us pass a group of girls and almost immediately trigger a giggling fit from them. Even though years of experience and counsellor meetings have taught me to ignore such things, I can?t help myself and I turn my head to face the source of the giggling, which only makes it intensify. ?Ugh, just- just ignore them, mate,? Ben advises as we keep walking. ?They must?ve overheard us or something.? ?Yeah,? I sigh. ?By Friday everyone in the uni will know, but that?s probably for the best, get it over and done with quickly. If they have a problem, they can say it to my face. Otherwise, fuck them.? ?Did- did you get that a lot at your old college?? Mac asks. ?In Wales, I mean?? ?Sometimes,? I shrug. ?I tried to not let it get to me, but it?s not always easy. Though like I said, you learn to go through life just ignoring shit like that.? And god knows I?ve had much, much more than just a bunch of giggling morons to deal with, I think to myself. ?The trick is to concentrate on the good things in your life. Like, for example, friends.? ?Speaking of,? a familiar female voice calls from behind as she quickly walks up to me and my friends with a grin on her face. ?Oh, hey Ellie!? I say with a smile as the young transgendered woman greets me with a gentle hug. ?Guys, this is Ellie, a friend of mine, Ellie, this is Ben and this is Mac, they?re on my course.? ?Nice to meet you,? Ben says as he and Mac greet Ellie with polite handshakes. ?How- how do you and Ian know each other? I thought he said his girlfriend was still in Wales?? ?Oh- we- we?re not ?together?,? Ellie says. ?No offence, heh.? ?None taken,? I chuckle. ?We... We kinda have a mutual friend, heh.? ?Steph?? Mac asks, smiling as Ellie and I both nod. ?That is SO cool that you?re part of a big ?family? like that. Umm... If- if you don?t mind me asking, I mean-? ?Yes, the answer to your question is ?yes?,? Ellie says quietly. ?Though if that?s a problem-? ?It isn?t,? Ben says with a smile. ?Though it is cool that I?m not the only one,? I say with a smile that Ellie reflects. ?Think we?re the only two starting UAL this year, though.? ?Meh, just means we need to stick together when we?re here, then,? Ellie chuckles. ?Anyways, I?ve got to head home now, but maybe catch up with you guys later in the week?? ?Sure, that?d be good,? Mac replies. ?What course are you on?? ?Music,? Ellie replies. ?Ah,? Mac chuckles. ?Hoping to be the next Steph Abbott, then?? ?Maybe,? Ellie shrugs. ?I?d much rather be the first Ellie Blake, though!? The three of us smile and wave as Ellie leaves the college, before resuming our walk toward the exit. ?Well, you?ve got at least three people on your side, then,? Mac chuckles. ?And it?s cool that you both know Steph Abbott too, like, are- is there, you know, some sort of ?club? or something?? ?Ehh... Kind of, kind of not,? I say, before smirking and rolling up my shirt sleeve. ?It?s not like there?s a secret society of transgendered people trying to impose our will on the world, despite what some conservative nutjobs would have you believe, even if I do have this!? I smile as I show off my ?fellowship? tattoo to my new friends, which also attracts the attention of some nearby girls- well, either the tattoo or my biceps, anyway! ?Hey- umm, excuse me,? one of the girls says as she nervously approaches me. ?I, you know, don?t want to, like, come off like I?m staring or anything, but is- is that the same tattoo that Jamie-Lee Burke and Steph Abbott have?? ?And Jamie?s husband, and a few of our other friends, yep,? I say with a proud smile, trying to put thoughts of my mother's approval out of my mind. It's me the girls are interested in, after all, not her or anyone else. I hope. ?Oh my god, that is so cool!? The girl says as I lower my sleeve back down. ?Umm... You DO know what that logo symbolises, right?? I ask hesitantly. ?Yeah, so what?? The girl replies with a shrug as I grin. ?Exactly,? Mac says with a warm grin. ?Anyway, got to get off myself now, got to eat dinner before I spend the rest of the evening nerding out. Are we still meeting up tomorrow?? ?Umm, sure, say twelve o'clock in the library?? I suggest. ?Gives us enough time for a lie in?? ?Works for me,? Mac shrugs. ?See you then!? ?I?d better get off too,? Ben says. ?I?ll leave you to your ?fans?, heh.? ?Okay, see you both tomorrow!? I say, waving my friends away as I turn back to my ?fans?, who predictably have plenty of questions about Jamie, Steph and the other Angels and members of Out of Heaven- and gratifyingly, very few questions about my transition. There?s still a niggling voice at the back of my head that tries to remind me that if mum were here, she?d love me being the centre of attention, being able to play off my relationship with Jamie & co to score ?points?, but as much as it stressed me out in the past, I?ve come to realise that Jamie and co became friends with me because of who I am, not who I was forced to be, or any public 'mask', but just me. And I don't need to suck up to them or anything, I just need to be the friend to them that they are to me. I just wish I could convince the voice in my head of that fact... I arrive home a short while later, again finding the flat empty, though Lee returns a short while after I do. The evening goes much the same way as yesterday- dinner, watching TV and Skyping with Chloe (during which I don?t mention the female attention I got today)- though before I go to bed I make sure to speak to Lee about what Mac, Ben and I were discussing earlier. ?What time you heading out tomorrow?? I ask Lee as we start to get ready for bed. ?Same time as every other day this week,? Lee replies with a mock sigh. ?This is a university that doesn?t mess around, as I?ve already mentioned to you several times.? ?Yes, yes, okay, I was only asking,? I say. ?Back the same time as well?? ?Good guess,? Lee replies. ?Why are you so curious?? ?Just wondering if you?d mind if a couple of mates came over?? I ask. ?You know, a few beers, a few games, that sort of thing. We?re meeting up at the library tomorrow, and-? ?Yeah, and a library is still a library, I get it,? Lee says with a nod of his head. ?Sure, I don?t mind them coming over, me casa su casa after all.? ?What did I say about quoting Pulp Fiction?? I ask, rolling my eyes as Lee flashes me a wide, cheesy grin. ?Well- cheers, we?ll probably be here before you come back tomorrow, kinda got a busy morning myself.? ?Your guitar lesson?? Lee asks. ?Yeah, and something else,? I say with a nervous smile. That nervous smile stays on my face early the following morning as I walk into a small health clinic near my flat, where I receive my weekly injection of testosterone into my arm. As the liquid flows through my veins, I feel both a sense of relief and a sense of power, like the testosterone is 'curing' me of an illness. Or, in this case, a birth defect. This sense of power stays with me as I leave the clinic and head to a familiar house in the west of London, where two of my friends- and their infant daughters- are waiting to greet me. ?Hi mate!? Stuart says as I walk through his front door. ?Hi Stu,? I reply with a grin. ?Hi Mikey!? ?Hey Ian!? The tall, long-haired man replies in his typical excited manner as he greets me with a handshake while cradling his one-year old daughter in his free arm. ?Stu tells me you just started at university this week?? ?Umm, yeah,? I reply with a nervous chuckle. ?It?s not like we haven?t had plenty of parties celebrating that fact already,? Stuart says, earning an eye roll from his best friend. ?Yes, that many that I didn?t know exactly which week it was!? Mikey retorts. ?Not that it isn?t worth celebrating, heh! Come on through to the lounge, I?ve got your guitar all set up.? ?And no, Olivia HASN?T been using it as a pacifier,? Stuart chuckles, giving his daughter a kiss as Mikey places his own daughter down next to Olivia in her playpen. ?So how?s uni been going, anyway?? Mikey asks as I pick up my 4 stringed guitar and begin tuning it up. ?It?s good,? I reply. ?Just settling in this week, getting my first few assignments, some reading done...? ?Yeah, I remember freshers? week,? Mikey chuckles. ?Well, some of it, anyway!? ?Was about to say,? Stuart says with a snort of laughter. ?6? 3?, just over 15 stone, completely bladdered after 3 pints.? ?Hey, it?s not my fault I was raised in Mapperley instead of St. Annes,? Mikey retorts. ?And if we?re talking about ?bladdered?, that time we went to Edinburgh-? ?Okay, let?s not discuss this in front of the kids,? Stuart laughs. ?Other than to ask if Ian?s been to any student parties yet?? ?Umm, not yet,? I reply. ?Hardly know anyone on my course- well, aside from a couple of guys, anyway. Oh, and Steph?s friend Ellie, but she?s studying music instead of graphic design, so, well, yeah.? ?Smart girl,? Mikey chuckles, earning a nod from Stuart and an eye roll from me. ?Meh, I?m sure once you get settled in you?ll be partying every night, heh.? ?Yeah, assuming I?m allowed to ?settle?,? I retort, earning a sad sigh from Stuart. ?You told your friends about you, then?? my unofficial mentor asks. ?Didn?t take it well?? ?Oh- no, THEY took it well,? I reply. ?But, you know, me being, well, ?me? will spread around the uni so much everyone will know by Friday. And... And I got a few ?points and laughs? on the way out today.? ?At a liberal arts university?? Mikey snorts. ?Trust me, mate, they WILL be in the minority.? ?Take it from someone who knows from experience,? Stuart advises. ?I?ve told you plenty of times about my first year at uni, right?? ?Yeah,? I reply, trying not to shudder as I recall Stuart telling me of some of the discrimination he faced. ?Just kinda sucks to know it?s gonna happen throughout my life, no matter where I go or what I do.? ?That?s the price we have to pay, sadly,? Stuart shrugs. ?You just have to learn to tune out the morons and focus on the good stuff, like your friends.? ?D?aww,? Mikey coos, giving Stuart a one-armed hug- something the transman quickly wriggles out of! ?You started transitioning when you were sixteen, didn?t you?? ?Yep,? I reply. ?Did- didn?t you, you know... At your old college?? Mikey asks. ?Sometimes,? I shrug. ?But like Stu said, I just hung around with my mates most of the time. And I was under constant stress about what my parents were going to do about my transition, so a few teenagers didn?t seem all that important at the time.? ?Well, remember this- they still aren?t,? Stuart advises. ?You?re the big man on campus, and no one can say otherwise.? ?Well, when I get my certificate, anyway,? I retort. ?Your gender recognition certificate?? Mikey asks. ?That?s a sure thing, isn?t it?? ?It should be,? I shrug. ?It will be,? Stuart says confidently as he and Mikey tune up their own guitars. ?And so will uni.? ?...Thanks,? I say with a tired chuckle. ?Actually meeting up with my new friends after this, might head to my home later to play a few games, have a few beers.? ?Sounds cool,? Stuart says. ?Would invite myself along but I?ve had enough student heckholes to last a lifetime.? ?Fair enough,? I shrug. ?More beer for the rest of us, heh!? I smile as Mikey and Stuart laugh, before we begin working through various chords on our guitars (with the volume obviously turned way down to protects the ears of the little ones). After I leave the house, I muse on what was said before the lesson- not by Stuart or Mikey, but by me, when I mentioned that when I was at college, I still had the same issues that I had yesterday afternoon, the only difference was that I was so stressed about my parents that I barely even noticed. And Neil, Rob and Lee made sure to keep me distracted any time I did feel stressed out. And I also had Chloe... One thing?s for certain, though- I?d much rather deal with the disapproval of a few idiots at uni than endure even one second of the hell I went through with my parents. One quick tube ride later, and I?m walking through the main entrance of the university?s library, where I soon find my two friends sat at a table leafing through various theory books. ?Hey guys,? I say with a smile as I sit down next to Ben and begin flicking through a book he?d discarded. ?Hi Ian,? Ben replies. ?Thought we?d get a head start on reading, hope you don?t mind?? ?No, not at all,? I say. ?Been busy this morning?? Mac asks. ?Meh, just having a guitar lesson from two of the Angels? husbands,? I say with a smirk and a shrug. ?Okay, are you SURE you?re a nerd?? Mac asks, making me grin. ?I can name every Doctor Who in reverse order, if that proves it?? I ask. ?Nah, I?ll take your word for it,? Mac chuckles. ?Though as you?re from Cardiff, that example does kinda have an unfair home advantage, heh!? Ben chuckles. ?Heh,? I laugh, before biting my lip nervously. ?I was also- also kinda getting, umm, an injection too... Kinda do every Wednesday morning now.? ?Oh, the- the, umm, hormones?? Ben asks. ?I- I did a bit of reading up last night, hope you don?t mind?? ?Oh- no, not at all,? I say. ?It?s not like you?ll ever need to give me the injection or anything, heh.? ?Heh,? Ben chuckles. ?I hate needles myself, doubt I?d be able to give you the injection if I tried, heh.? ?Meh, it?s worth it,? I shrug. ?Feel kinda like, you know, Thanos? Like every injection of T is like adding another infinity stone, or something.? ?...Yeah,? Mac chuckles nervously. ?Did say your ?nerd cred? was accepted, heh.? ?And you?re not exactly bald and purple either,? Ben says. ?Though you?re not far off in terms of muscles, heh!? ?Thank you!? I chuckle bashfully. "So, umm, after this, do- do you two want to head back to my place, like, for a few games, a few beers?" "Sure," Ben shrugs. "After your Thanos comment I would suggest watching Infinity War, but we probably won't have the time for that, heh!" "Hasn't stopped me watching it twice since it came out on DVD," I laugh. "Mac? You up for game night?" "Sure," Mac replies with a shrug. "Will have to clear it with my parents, but that shouldn't be an issue." "Same here," Ben says. "Meh, just tell them that you're eighteen and can do what you want," I reply with a shrug of my own. "Ehh... I'm actually NINEteen," Mac replies, biting his lip nervously. "Did an access course last year, that's why I'm starting uni a year late." "And?" Ben asks matter-of-factly. "Just tell them you're nineteen and can do what you want." "Heh, I suppose," Mac says with a smile. "...Okay, gaming session it is!" "Cool!" I say with a confident smile as we get back to our work. We leave the library shortly before closing time and head to the nearest bus stop for the journey back home, both of my friends clearly excited by the prospect of an evening of gaming and geeking out- though not as excited as I am, especially at the prospect of getting to know my friends better. ?Nice place,? Mac says with a genuine smile as we arrive back home and I hand my friends each a cold bottle of beer. ?Was expecting it to be, you know, smaller.? ?It?s not exactly huge,? I retort. ?Cheapest one we could find with two bedrooms.? ?Why do you live so far away from the uni, anyway?? Ben asks. ?Got to be a pain getting the bus for an hour each morning?? ?Could it by any chance be down to the fact that you?re a fifteen-minute walk from Arsenal?s stadium?? Mac asks with a snort of laughter. ?...Maybe a little,? I chuckle. ?We?re also convenient for Lee?s uni.? ?Cool,? Ben says as I switch on our PlayStation 4 and hand my friends a controller each. ?Kinda looking forward to meeting him, do you reckon he?d mind if we, you know, asked about Robot Wars too much?? ?Umm, he?d probably mind if you didn?t,? I reply with a chuckle. ?In fact, he?ll probably insist on it.? ?Cool,? Ben replies. ?Is the robot still in Cardiff, then?? ?Yeah,? I reply with a chuckle. ?It wouldn?t really fit in here, heh. Lee might make a new lightweight one, though.? ?Awesome,? Ben says as we settle down to our gaming session, my body completely relaxing as I realise I truly am among good friends. We only have the time to play one round of Call of Duty WW2 before the front door of the flat opens and my best friend returns, though following closely behind him is another young man I've never seen before, slightly taller than Lee though much heavier set and with an unruly mop of dark brown hair. ?Hey guys,? Lee says as he and his new friend hang up their coats and head into the kitchen to get a drink. ?Umm, hi...? I reply. ?Thanks for texting me to let me know you?d be bringing someone home, like I did?? ?Oh- sorry, where are my manners?? Lee says with a trademark smug grin. ?After you introduced your friends to me, and all?? ?Fine, hint taken,? I say with a sigh, before turning to my new friends and speaking quietly. ?It?s like this every day.? I smirk as Ben and Mac both smile and nod, before turning back to Lee and the stranger. ?Guys, this is Ben and this is Mac, and guys, this is Lee, and...? ?Dan Young,? the newcomer says in a blunt voice. ?Nice to meet you,? Mac says hesitantly, clearly as taken aback by Dan?s awkwardness as I am. Lee, however, doesn?t seem too fazed by it, which is enough to reassure me that Dan?s alright, and is probably just feeling awkward being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people- a feeling I know all too well. ?Hi, welcome to the flat,? I say to Dan, extending my hand to shake, which Dan seemingly reluctantly accepts. ?I?ve ordered us some pizza, obviously I didn?t know you were coming or I?d have got you one as well but there should be enough to go around, and there?s plenty of beer in the fridge so help yourself.? ?Thank you for the pizza,? Dan says, ?but do you have any drinks that don?t kill brain cells?? Okay then, I think to myself. Way to endear yourself to your host... A quick glance over at Lee, though, reveals that he?s smiling at Dan?s joke- clearly there?s some kind of in-joke that I?m not getting, so I shrug off Dan?s (hopefully) unintended insult. ?Umm, got some Pepsi in the fridge too,? I say. ?We also have some Coke, but that?s in the shop down the road.? ?...So you don?t have Coke, then?? Dan asks, making me fidget as my joke- which I?d hoped would break the ice a bit- falls flat. ?Pepsi will have to do, thanks.? ?Umm, you?re welcome,? I say as Dan heads into the kitchen to get his drink. ?Umm, Lee...? I ask quietly. ?Is- is he, you know, okay?? ?Hmm?? Lee asks, clearly amused by Dan?s behaviour. ?Oh, yeah, he?s fine, just struggles a bit with crowds, you know?? ?I?m hoping he?s on your course and not someone you just dragged off the street, then?? I ask, which disappointingly doesn?t get a laugh out of Lee despite being the exact type of joke he?d make. ?Yeah, he recognised me off of Robot Wars on Monday and we?ve kinda worked together ever since,? Lee replies. ?Honestly, I reckon you?ll like him if you just give him time.? ?Well- okay,? I say, before fidgeting uncomfortably as I prepare to ask a question I?m getting very sick of asking. ?Does- does he know that-? ?That you?re transgendered?? Dan asks, causing my eyes to go as wide as dinner plates as he emerges from the kitchen with his drink. ?No, Lee didn?t tell me, but it didn?t take me long to find out.? ?...How?? I ask, frozen to the spot with nerves. ?By Googling Lee?s name and the name of his robot when I got home,? Dan replies. ?It brought up an article with details of all the team, including you.? ?...Oh,? I say, though my nerves are no less jangling as Lee and Dan take their seats and await their turn on the PlayStation. ?Though I do have to say that you?re considerably more masculine that I was expecting,? Dan says. ?Umm, thanks,? I reply, my anxiety causing my leg to start to jiggle uncontrollably. ?Good job everyone else already knew...? "I, umm, I kinda did before you told us as well," Ben says hesitantly. "I did the same as Dan, Googled the team when I got home..." "Difference is, Ben was tactful about it," Mac says bluntly. ?So then, Ben, Mac,? Lee says, apparently feeling as tense as I am about the situation, ?You both studying graphic design too?? ?Yep,? Mac replies, obviously relieved by the change of topic as well. ?That?s how we met Ian, we- the three of us- are kinda the nerdy ones on the course, heh.? ?Glad to hear it,? Lee says with a wide grin. ?And both of you are Robot Wars fans, which is an extra tick in your favour, heh.? ?Yeah, was gutted when it was cancelled,? Ben says. ?You going to be doing any, you know, not televised competitions?? ?Might do,? Lee shrugs. ?Was doing them with my dad for years before the TV show came back, so, maybe.? "Assuming the BBC don't spend all their money on TV for morons," Dan snorts. "Though I will give them credit for not being as bad as ITV, pandering to the Jeremy Kyle crowd." "Hard to argue, I suppose," Mac says, his facial expression making it clear he's quickly becoming fed up with Dan. Before anyone else can speak, my phone mercifully starts to ring, and I smile with relief and excitement when I see the caller ID. ??Scuse me, got to take this,? I say, heading into the kitchen while answering the phone. ?Hi Jamie! What?s up?? ?Hey college boy!? Jamie replies with a giggle, causing me to roll my eyes. ?Just wanted to see how you were doing, that?s all, and you weren?t replying to Facebook messages.? ?Yeah, kinda got some friends over at the moment for a gaming session,? I reply. ?Sorry ?bout that.? ?Oh, trust me, I get it,? Jamie says. ?Stuart?s always telling me about the parties he had while at uni, and I hardly even saw Nikki this time three years ago and she didn?t even go to uni, heh. I?ll let you get back to your fun, I just wanted to make sure you?re still coming to Jon?s birthday party on Saturday?? ?Umm, sure!? I chuckle. ?Wouldn?t miss it.? ?Okay,? Jamie says. ?Dress code for this one is the twenties, 'cause Jon's turning 29 and we figure we should rub it in, heh. So flapper dresses for us girls, and for you BOYS, things like waistcoats, flat caps, that sort of thing. If you?ve got any problems getting any part of the costume just let me know, you and Stuart are the same size so it shouldn?t be a problem.? ?Thanks, will do,? I chuckle. ?I?ll let you get back to your friends,? Jamie says with a giggle. ?Send my love to Lee and Chloe!? ?Will do,? I reply. ?My love to Stuart and Olivia too. See you Saturday!? ?See you then!? Jamie giggles as she ends the call and I head back into the living room, where Lee and Dan have taken over control of the PlayStation from Ben and Mac. ?Who was that?? Lee asks. ?Oh, just Jamie,? I reply with a sly grin, which widens when Mac gives me a double take. ?Wanting to know if we?re on for Saturday?s party.? ?Cool,? Lee says with a nod. ?Hope you told her yes?? ??Course,? I say with a grin as I sit down on a beanbag and take a casual swig of my beer. ?Wh- Jamie?? Mac asks. ?As in Jamie-Lee Burke?? ?Yep,? I reply proudly, though my smile soon fades when I hear what sounds like a snort of disgust come from Dan?s direction. ?...Problem?? ?Yes,? Dan replies. ?I didn?t realise I was going to be spending my evening with people who worship phony reality TV stars.? I bite my lip as I feel my hands start to ball into fists- though I?m not sure what offends me more, Dan insulting me or insulting my friend. ?There is nothing phony about Jamie,? I say in a low, stoic voice. ?She may be a reality TV star but she is a genuinely nice person. And, umm, it?s her husband I?m the closer friend with, anyway.? ?He?s also transgender, isn?t he?? Mac asks, smirking as I nod. ?Assuming that?s not what you meant by ?phony?, Dan?? ?I pride myself on being intelligent enough to recognise that transgenderism isn?t some kind of whim,? Dan replies, clearly annoyed at being confronted. ?If Jamie-Lee Burke wishes to live as a woman, then that is her business. If she wishes to live life as a glorified mannequin, I?d rather that NOT be any of my business. Though I can see why you would defend phonies, ?Mac?.? ?Okay, that?s-? Lee says in a vain attempt to defuse the situation. ?You got a problem with me?? Mac asks as I grimace further. ?So I prefer to be known by a nickname, what?s the problem with that?? ?Is there something wrong with your first name?? Dan asks. ?Not once I can afford a deed poll application, there won?t be,? Mac says. ?Is there a reason why you prefer ?Dan? to ?Daniel??? ??Dan? is a contraction of my FIRST name, not my last,? Dan retorts. ?And besides, it isn?t a contraction for ?Daniel?.? ?Oh, okay,? Mac shrugs. ?Going to tell me what it is a contraction for or are you going to sit there being a hypocrite all night?? ?Okay, think we need to take some time here,? I say firmly. ?I agree,? Dan- or whatever his name actually is- says, pausing the game and going to get his coat. ?I was under the impression I?d be spending tonight enjoying a few games with a few like-minded people. Instead I may as well be in the Big Brother house. I?ll see you at university tomorrow, Lee, assuming you don?t jet off to the Love Island instead.? I bite my lip as Dan storms out of the flat, closely followed by Lee. Obviously, every instinct is telling me that Dan's full of shit, that he's an obnoxious arsehole who's nowhere near as smart as he thinks he is... And yet, there's a part of me that remembers thinking the exact same thing not that long ago. My musing is interrupted moments later when Lee returns to the flat and slumps down into his chair, looking utterly crestfallen. ?Lee- Lee, mate, are you alright?? I ask as Lee comes back into the living room and slumps into his chair. ?Yeah, fine,? Lee shrugs, forcing a smile on his face that I can immediately tell is fake. ?S- sorry about that, guys, thought Dan?d get on well with you all- meh, live and learn I guess.? ?Okay...? Mac says hesitantly. ?Maybe- maybe we should go-? ?Oh- don?t feel you need to, not just because of him,? Lee says. ?...I was going to say ?go and get another beer?,? Mac says, bringing genuine smiles to all four of our faces. ?Agreed!? Lee chuckles as he fetches more drinks for us, while Ben and I take over control of the PlayStation. As hard as I try to have fun, though, I remain distracted for the rest of the evening, partially by Dan?s actions but more by my reaction to them. Consciously, I do know he?s wrong. I?ve seen ?behind the curtain? with Jamie and her family, and I know them to be just as open and friendly as they come across on TV or on social media. And yet, I can see Dan?s point, because it?s the same stance I myself had taken for years. It?s the same stance that made me delete my Instagram months ago, the same stance that caused me more than one argument with my girlfriend... And the same anxiety that caused me to run away from London two years ago. And the most frustrating thing is that after two years of trying to convince myself that my anxiety around my mum?s ambitions for me were completely separate from my need to be a man, I?m once again questioning whether or not ?Ian? is just me running away from the life I was meant to lead... Ben and Mac leave just after 9pm (we all have uni tomorrow, after all), and almost immediately after they leave, the smile Lee had worn immediately disappears, and judging by the look of concern on his face, so does mine. ?You okay, mate?? Lee asks as I clear away the empty beer cans and pizza boxes. ?Umm, yeah, sure, why wouldn?t I be?? I reply with a shrug. ?Because I know that Dan touched a sensitive area,? Lee says. ?Ugh, I- I?m sorry I brought him round, I just- I dunno, I felt I needed to, like, ?bring a friend? or something.? ?And he was the best you could find?? I snort. ?He was the ONLY one I could find,? Lee replies with a groan, making me frown with concern as I sit down opposite him. ?Lee, mate, are- are you alright?? I ask. ?Yeah,? Lee replies, before sighing. ?Sort-of. Maybe. Not really... It- I?m, umm... It?s really different, you know? From college, I mean?? ?I think I do,? I reply softly. ?Never mind the fact that I sound different from everyone else and I stick out like a sore thumb,? Lee sighs. ?It?s, you know, a posh college, they hear my accent and all they picture are me living in a shed on a hill somewhere with a load of sheep. Never mind the fact that people who?ve graduated from that course in the past have gone on to work for NASA.? ?...Really, NASA?? I ask. ?Probably,? Lee shrugs. ?It?s where I?ve always dreamed of working. Doubt anyone else on my course would take that dream seriously though.? ?Apart from Dan?? I ask. ?He doesn?t care what you sound like, he only cares what you act like,? Lee shrugs. ?Ironic considering he acts like a total douche,? I snort. ?Him not being transphobic is probably his only redeeming feature.? ?Him not being racist, sexist or any ?ist? also counts,? Lee says. ?He- ugh, I dunno. I?ll talk to him tomorrow, see if I can make him see where he fucked up.? ?He seems like the sort of person who?ll demand an apology before he gives one,? I snort. ?If that?s what it takes,? Lee sighs. ?Really don?t want to lose the only friend I?ve made so far, you know?? ?Trust me,? I say, ?You?ll have an easier time making new friends than he will.? ?If you say so,? Lee shrugs. ?And if you don?t believe me, you?ll find out on Saturday,? I say confidently as I resume clearing up our trash. After finishing tidying up, Lee and I both opt for an early night, and after a quick text session with Chloe (to make up for not Skyping with her tonight) I climb into bed and try to put the evening?s events behind me. So what if I?m friends with someone famous? I?m not friends with them BECAUSE they?re famous, after all. And so what if I like playing videogames and watching Star Trek as well? It?s my life, not anyone else?s, and I will live it however I please. I am going to be my own man no matter what anyone else says, certainly not mum or Dan. I just wish I had a little bit more experience at living independently in this way. Or living as a man. And I certainly wish I could believe what I?m telling myself... The following morning, Ben and Mac are understandably more subdued than normal when I meet them at the front entrance of our university. ?Hey guys,? I say in a quiet voice. ?I- I?m sorry about last night-? ?Trust me mate, YOU don?t need to apologise,? Mac snorts. ?Especially not the way you were spoken to in your own home.? ?Yeah,? Ben agrees. ??More obnoxious Sheldon?s the one who should be apologising to you AND Lee.? ?And both of you too,? I snort, turning to Mac. ?Can?t believe he had a go at you for using a nickname when he cheerfully admits to doing the same thing.? ?I half expected him to do the same to you, actually,? Ben mumbles. ?I mean, ?Ian? isn?t your re- umm, the name you were born with, right?? ?Right,? I say. ?Though my birth name isn?t any more important than Mac?s is-? ?It- it?s Cloud,? Mac says, making me frown in confusion. ?Cloud MacFarlane. Nice to meet you.? ?...You really didn?t need to tell us,? I say. ?I wanted to,? Mac- or rather, Cloud- says. ?Shouldn?t be any secrets between friends, right? And that can?t possibly have been as hard as what you told us on Tuesday.? ?Well- no, I guess not...? I mumble. ?But- but- and I don?t mean any offence, but-? ?Final Fantasy VII, right?? Ben asks, making Mac nod sadly. ?Figured when I remembered your sister?s name was ?Yuna?.? ?Umm... Gonna need some filling in here,? I say hesitantly. ?My parents are huge gamers and huge nerds,? Mac explains. ??Cloud? was the main character of a game they played in the nineties, they met over a mutual love of the game in fact, so I got lumbered with the name when I was born.? ?Well, umm, it?s unique, I guess,? I shrug. ?That?s one way of putting it,? Mac snorts. ?Still, I can?t complain I guess, when both your parents are avid gamers you?re never bored growing up, heh.? ?Which is more than you could say for me,? I chuckle. ?Well, less ?bored? and more ?frustrated and anxious beyond belief?, heh. But- but I don?t want to bore you with that.? ?If you say so,? Ben shrugs. ?You?ve really never played Final Fantasy VII?? ?Never even heard of it,? I reply. ?Mum would probably have a fit if she caught me playing a game with that name.? ?And Dan would probably have a fit if he learned you?d never played it,? Mac laughs, making me fidget as I?m reminded of my current dilemma. ?Probably,? I laugh, trying to remind myself of the ?discussion? I had with myself last night- that I shouldn?t allow myself to be judged by anyone, whether they?re family, friend or whatever the hell category Dan fits into. Ultimately, I?m able to get through the day in one piece mentally, and when I return home, what I find on the doormat is enough to restore my confidence and optimism for the future. Inside the envelope is a piece of paper, at the top of which is an official government logo, and underneath which are four boxes that have my name, my date of birth, the date of issue of the certificate, and the sentence 'The above named person is, from the date of issue, of the gender shown'- the gender being listed as 'Male'. Naturally, my instinct is to celebrate what is a very, very big win for me, and before I even realise what I?m doing, I?ve taken a selfie with the certificate and posted it to Facebook, which very quickly gets dozens of likes- including, gratifyingly, one from my mother. It isn?t long before a message comes through my phone- one that quickly brings me back down to Earth. ?Great news mate!? Stuart?s message reads. ?Doubt Jon will appreciate us making Saturday a double celebration, but we?re definitely going to throw you a party to celebrate once we?ve got mad week out of the way!? A party where I?ll be the centre of attention, I think to myself, and a party that would prove Dan right in everything he said about me. ?Thanks,? I reply, ?but I?d rather keep this quiet if you don?t mind, just celebrating by myself if that?s okay?? ?Sure,? Stuart says. ?Offer?s still on the table in case you change your mind.? ?You mean you need an excuse for a party?? I ask with a ?sticking out tongue? emoji. ?Nah,? Stu replies with the same emoji. ?But it?s always nice to have one and it?s especially nice to be able to celebrate a friend?s good news. You?ll never get another GR certificate, after all!? ?Very true!? I reply, chuckling to myself as it dawns on me that Stuart is right- as far as the law is concerned, I am as male as anybody else out there walking around with either a penis or a Y chromosome. It is now a legal, indisputable fact that my name IS Ian, and I AM a boy. Or rather, a man. I should want to celebrate this and scream it from the rooftops, but the thought of actually doing so is making me squirm. ?Still though, I?d rather just keep this to myself, celebrate with just Lee and Chloe.? ?It?s your life,? Stuart replies, inadvertently treading on the very spot that?s been the most sensitive over the last couple of days. ?Is everything okay mate? I?d have thought news like that would make you want a party?? ?Yeah, I?m fine,? I untruthfully reply. ?Just getting a bit bogged down with uni work, that?s all.? ?Already? In Freshers week?? Stuart asks, making me fidget, but before I have the chance to reply, he types another message. ?Wait, you told me before you were dyslexic, is it because of that?? Not really, I think to myself, but thanks for the excuse, Stu! 'Something like that,' I type, fidgeting before asking my next question. 'Also, what you said yesterday about keeping the cameras away from me at the party, would you mind doing that anyway, please?' 'Of course,' Stuart replies. 'Is everything okay? Really, I mean?' 'Fine,' I reply, even though deep down inside, I'm really not okay. In addition to the large part of me that wants to catch the next train back to Cardiff, there's also the part of me that's terrified by the prospect of my coursework being too hard, nervous about the possibility of being further 'outed' by everyone at my uni, and most of all, torn between my mother's attitude and Dan's attitude to my apparently contradictory lifestyle. And while I know I shouldn't be hung up on what other people think, the fact is that they both, in their own way, have a point. And worst of all, for the first time in ages this week I even began to question whether or not my desire to be male was genuine. The certificate I hold in my hands should be proof enough that I am indeed for real, and yet the fact is that my future is full of uncertainty. And the one thing of which I am most uncertain right now is myself...