The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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Series 5, Episode 9: Tara Carver (59) – Edinburgh
We open with our standard sequence – a high altitude image of the United Kingdom. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy caricature of our host, Charley, floating infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping toward the ground, heading in country, then north, toward Scotland ... Dropping down toward the east of the country, to a large grey city ... Reaching ground level in the middle of the Edinburgh Military Tattoo at the Castle.
From here we turn and race through the granite streets, Charley racing ahead of us as we pass a hundred Scottish stereotypes (men in kilts, bagpipes, etc.), before coming to a train station and merging into live-action.
Outside the station, with her jaw locked defiantly, is a short, skinny, pale older woman. She looks like if she relaxed, she’d float away on the wind. She got a thick mop or auburn hair that frames a face that looks like it’s seen better days. She not unattractive, you understand, but her days of being considered good-looking are long behind her.
The cartoon smiles at the little lady and says, “Hello there, what’s your name... ?” Then smiles and nods as the lady introduces herself. Her voice is stronger than her body, her accent Scottish and so thick it almost needs subtitles, ““Ma name is Tara Carver, A’m 59 years old, and I’m the original punk rocker! I’ll do anything I want tae do ... And today, what ah want tae do is get fucked by a big dog!”
We cut to a montage of photos and video clips of Tara when she was young - intercut with footage of her being interviewed in close-up, looking very different.
She tells her life story over the top of these clips. Her dialogue at almost 100mph.
“I was aboot 15 when I ran away from home ... Went doon tae London and live wild-like. I was all safety pins in ma nose and glue in ma hair. I lived in squats and hung around anyone wi’ a guitar or some drugs ... I had a great time. Went all over wi’ anyone who’d take me.”
“I’ve done drugs. Lots o’ drugs. I’ve lived rough. I’ve done a little time in jail ... Burglary and drugs ... I’ve been arrested for prostitution, but ah never got charged ... Too good wi’ the blowies in the back o’ the cop car...” She laughs – a laugh that descends into a cough.
“I don’t remember the eighties. Or the nineties, really. All I remember was findin’ my way home when I was about 40 ... Ever since then I’ve been around here, wi’ everyone conspicuously avoiding me ... Nae-one wants to talk to the professional slapper ... Tramp, whore, druggie ... I’ve been clean for years, but nae-one trusts you once you’ve been that way ... And then the big punchline ... I get the cancer.”
“I’ve gone my whole life doing whatever I wanted to do ... And now I’ve only got a few months left to do the rest ... And the only thing I can think of that I never tried, is havin’ sex wi’ an animal ... And I thought to myself, why the fuck not?”
She’s got a big smile across her face – the thought is clearly all that’s keeping her going right now. And on that, we cut to our studios in Manchester ... The corner of our set is made up to look a bedroom – double bed, with white sheets being stretched and tucked in by one of our crew. Lights and cameras are positioned around the bed. Everything is calm and organised.
We cut to the street outside and watch as a taxi-cab pulls up at the curb. The rear door opens and the little, almost birdlike, Scots lady gets out, looks around and then heads in toward the studio carrying a small overnight-type bag.
We cut to inside our studio, Tara walking along a corridor with the overnight bag over her shoulder, holding it tight for security. She looks very small but proud and confident as she walks toward...
Our hostess - Charley. She’s standing with her hands behind her, shoulders back, fake chest pushed out. Her tight jacket is buttoned twice and we can’t see anything under it (other than the big “WORLD’S BIGGEST DOGWHORE” tattoo that’s painted across it).
Charley introduces herself, “Hello, I’m Charley Ozvik – and you must be ... Tara...”
Tara drops her bag and steps into the younger woman, giving her a hug, mashing herself firmly up again those big false tits. Looking very happy as she does it. “Hallo there...”
Charley continues, “So, tell us why you are here today?”
Tara steps back, standing up straight, matching Charley’s stance. “I’ve come all the way down here today, t’ have sex wi’ a dog.”
“And why do you want to do that?” Checks Charley.
The words coming out of Tara’s mouth don’t match her sparrow-like appearance. “Because the thought of a dog’s big fat cock filling my old cunt just turns me on something terrible!” She smiles, a confident smile. “I just really want to get fucked by one...”
Charley smiles, “Well, that being the case, I don’t think I should make you wait any longer...”
She steps back and waves Tara through to the studio. “Step right through, to the United Kingdom of Zoo...”
Tara picks up her bag and steps past Charley, heading through the doorway and into the studio beyond.
We cut to the bedroom set and some time has clearly passed. Tara has slicked her hair back with hair gel, making it look darker and shiny, and she’s put on a thick layer of make-up to try and make herself look healthier and younger. She’s also already stripped to her lingerie – a pair of bikini brief panties and a small bra to support her small boobs –obviously this means that most of her flesh is exposed, which renders that facial make-up a little pointless as we can all see how tired her body is.
She runs her hands over her head, slicking and smoothing that hair down again, then brings her gel covered hands down and rubs/wipes them clean over her little boobs, reaching down inside her bra to cover the underside as well ... Then reaches around behind her back to unhook it, letting it fall away – pulling a little “ooh” face to indicate that being topless on camera is fun for her. Her little boobs shine under the camera lights thanks to the gel.
We hear Charley’s voice, without microphone, from behind camera, checking “Are you looking forward to this?”
Tara smiles and nods as she slips her panties down her skinny legs and steps out of them, “Aye, I am ... Very much so ... Can’t wait to be used and abused!” She pauses, then can’t suppress her excitement as she blurts out, “By a big bad doggy!”
If saying it excites her on like this, what the hell is the act going to do?
We cut to the big heavy set door again, and watch as it winds open a couple of feet to reveal this week’s hound...
Small and mean – wide and muscular ... It’s a powerful little fucker – heaving against a thick chain attached to his leather studded collar, tongue hanging out of his wide toothy mouth. It’s a pitbull, and we recognise him almost as much by his grunting, rasping breathing as by his appearance – it’s Randall, and we immediately know that Tara is in for some seriously hard and fast action.
The powerful dog heaves himself toward the set, almost choking himself against his collar as he drags his owner along behind him. We can see Tara in the background, sitting on the edge of the bed with her legs apart, waiting...
A close up shows her breathing hard, her little chest expanding and contracting, ribs sticking out under her small boobs, a nervous but not shy smile flickering on her face and she licks her lips as beast pads back and forth infront of her – sniffing the air, turning toward her, raising his head and pushing it toward and then between her legs.
She leans back, slipping a little forward onto the edge of the bed, allowing him to start licking at her. His hot tongue working her inner thighs, her pussy, over the labia, between the labia, splitting the lips ... She gasps – her face lighting up. She struggles to form the words, “My ... Oh ... That’s it...” Tossing her head back, “Yes!”
She leans back even further, her hands on her inner thighs, spreading her skinny legs wider to give the dog maximum access to her most private parts, raising them to expose her bony arse to his tongue – a gift he accepts, his tongue rasping over her little arsehole.
“Go on there ... Lick that...” She says as she begins to control herself... “MMMmmmm yes...”
She turns her head from one side to the other, eyes shut, uttering occasional comments, “Oh fuck ... Shit...” as the dog continues to lick up between her butt-cheeks and over her puckered little arsehole...
She tries to suppress her squeals, keeping her mouth closed, but the way she’s rocking her head from side to side and gasping for occasional breaths, shows that she’s having a really good time.
“Och ... Oh Gawd ... That’s ... Oh fuckin’ hell...” She stammers as the dog keeps licking, taking her shaking little body toward an arse licking orgasm ... She shakes more and more, clamps her jaws together, squeezes her eyes tight shut, holds her breath and ... Cums ... Dropping her thighs, her legs falling, her arse dropping, the dog backing away to get away from her – then skipping forward again to lick at her hairless pussy...
Which is too intense for a post-orgasmic waif ... She tries to take it for a second, but can’t – throwing her hands down to push on the top of the beast’s head and rocking forward so that she’s sitting upright.
She takes a moment to compose herself, then looks up at the camera with a big smile – her face full of life. “I haven’t had one of them in soooo long...”
“An orgasm?” Checks Charley.
“An anal orgasm.” Confirms Tara with a big grin. “I’d forgotten how much I like it in the arse...” She looks at the dog. “Can he fuck my arse too?”
We hear the chirpy Cockney accent of Thomas, Randall’s owner, from off camera, “He’s a pretty vigorous lover – so long as you can handle that he’s not too big, but his knot could do some damage...”
“Och, my arse has taken plenty of damage over the years...” Jokes Tara. “And I won’t be needing it that much longer!” Her dark, self-aware humour, highlighting her desire to have fun right now and not worry about consequences.
She slips a little further forward on the edge of the bed, letting her arse drop a little lower, parting her thighs again, slapping her inner thigh, encouraging Randall to come and get some... “Be good to me!” She asks with a little smile, then bringing her legs up again, exposing her arse a second time.
Randall doesn’t need a written invitation – rearing up and mounting her immediately, missionary style, his front paws on the edge of the bed on either side of her little belly, stabbing at her behind with his semi-erect cock. The strain of taking his solid muscular body against her pelvis and belly is obvious, but she’s not calling for help – she wraps one hand around his shoulders and stokes his flank with the other...
Charley drops in behind them on her knees, trying to stay out of shot – reaching under his belly to fondle his cock and steer it up between the wee bum cheeks of her guest, pushing the tip against the puckered little arsehole ... The shaft bending a little, the tip smooshing to one side, and then – without warning, just popping inside and straightening up – driving deep...
Tara screams out as if she’s been shot – or more accurately, stabbed... “Arrrrggghhh!!!” and the look on her face is one of extreme pain...
Then Randall starts to pump into her – fast and furious, hard and without mercy. Tightness around his shaft inspiring him to go for it without any consideration for his partner’s needs.
He fucks her like crazy – and all she can do is wrap her arms around his shoulders, and cross her calves over his back. Holding on for her life. The “aaarrrgggghhhh” joined by “uuurrrrmmmmmppphhhh” noises as she takes his fat cock all he way up her arse.
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As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
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We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...
Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...