The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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“The United Kingdom of Zoo”
Series 5, Episode 3: Rebecca
We open with a shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us like a twisted version of the old “Bewitched’ tv titles ... She smiles at us, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit to sea level over the English Channel, off the south coast, in just a few seconds.
From here we race toward a cartoon caricature of White Cliffs of Dover, over them and almost immediately into London, chasing cartoon Charley all the way, on a couple of occasions she moves across the screen allowing us to look right up her skirt – it’s not subtle.
We hurtle past landmarks at ridiculous speed, mixing through from the animation to real life ... The cartoon Charley turns around to face us, flying backwards and presents our first guest of the series - a slim, well dressed, young lady who’s standing on the doorstep of a home with a FOR SALE sign in the small front garden. We come to a sudden halt infront of her.
She’s pretty without being beautiful. The first thing we notice are her eyes, Chinese and brown, magnified behind thick spectacles. Other than those eyes - she has her delicate features on a narrow face, a few freckles over her nose and high cheekbones. Her long dark hair tied up behind her head.
The guest speaks in a polite, semi-excited tone, with a hint of cockney coming through, “Hello, and welcome to the United Kingdom of Zoo. My name is Rebecca Le Quan, I’m 34 years old, and I’m a real estate agent from Tower Hamlets in London.” She pauses to for emphasis of the next line. “I am ready, willing, and able ... To have sex with a dog ... As soon as possible...”
We cut to a montage of her showing a young couple around the house. This is intercut with footage of her being interviewed in close-up, and occasional photographs of her schooldays, family, etc.
She monologues her story over the top of these clips.
“When I was growing up, at school, I was always the awkward one ... I was a bit of an ugly duckling. My mother in Chinese, my father from South London, so the English kids called me ‘chink’, and the few Chinese kids called me ‘gweilo’ ... Children can be cruel. I was a bit of a late developer. I was quite chubby at school, didn’t have great skin and I probably didn’t make myself look the best ... So I never really felt like I was attractive to boys ... I couldn’t even imagine a man being interested in me.”
“But animals ... I don’t know if I saw a picture of it, or a video, or maybe heard someone talking about it ... But the idea of having sex with an animal was always there, and I always thought that an animal wouldn’t judge me the way a man might.”
“Dogs. Horses. Goats. If it’s got four legs and it’s covered with hair, I’ve probably imagined being under it ... Being ‘pounded’ from behind. Even after men started showing an interest in me, the thought of animals remained.”
“My confidence has really grown since I started working in real estate. Most agents are super-confident, but I was quite nervous at first – but once I found my feet I found I was really quite good at it. As I did it, my confidence grew, I started making money, and I realised that you can do anything you want, just as long as you are ready to dive in and do them.”
Cut to Manchester, our studios...
We see the set being prepared. At the moment it’s an empty double bed, with white sheets. Lights and cameras are being set up by our small crew. There’s no sign of any of our ‘stars’.
We cut to the street outside and see a smart looking BMW arriving, pulling smoothly into the carpark and coming to a halt at a jaunty, I-don’t-care angle. The driver’s side door opens and Rebecca steps out, dressed immaculately in a grey business skirt-suit. She poses for us, acting the big-time business success - closing the door casually, taking off her spectacles and putting them in a little case. Looking around, and then coolly turning on her high-heel and heading off into the studio. We follow – her cute little arse swaying as she strides inside.
We cut to inside our building as Rebecca walks passed our receptionist Riley, who holds the door open for our new guest to head into the corridors of our studio. Rebecca never changes stride, confidently walking toward her future, shoulders back and chest out.
Charley is waiting for her in this corridor – looking a lot like she did in the opening animation, with a tight white mini-dress that shows off a lot of cleavage, her chest tattoo reading “WORLD’S BIGGEST DOGWHORE”, and quite a bit of thigh too.
“Hiiii, I’m Charley Ozvik – and you must be Rebecca...” She says as she gives Rebecca a friendly hug and cheek kiss, one of her hands giving her guest a playful little squeeze on the bottom.
“Hello there, Charley.” Smiles Rebecca. “I’ve been looking forward to meeting you...”
The ladies exchange smiles for slightly too long as they size each other up, until Charley breaks the moment, indicating the door behind her.
“In a moment, we’re going to step through this doorway onto our set, and you are going to have sex with a dog ... And nothing will ever be the same for you again ... Are you ready to become a dogslut... ?”
Rebecca pauses for a moment, then is unable to suppress a smile, which quickly spreads right across her face. Then, through the grin, she says, “Oh yeah!”
And Charley smiles too, loving how excited Rebecca appears to be.
We cut to the studio and Rebecca waiting beside the bed. Still very neat and tidy. We film her from a slightly higher angle in order to make her look a little smaller on set – and she wasn’t that big to begin with.
On cue, she begins to unbutton the jacket, just two buttons and then she holds her arms back and lets it slip off onto the bed behind her. Then she’s unzipping the side of her skirt, letting it slip down over her narrow hips, keeping hold with one hand and bending forward as she steps out of it, half turning to lay it on the bed next to her jacket.
Her blouse is just short enough for us to be able to see her little red panties, and we also notice her slim legs. Perhaps a little too slim.
“Please keep going...” Urges Charley from off-screen, and Rebecca smiles as she unbuttons her blouse. Once it’s fully unbuttoned, she takes either side and opens it up to reveal her little white bra, which contains he little pale tits, and her slim tummy – no six pack, but no fat either. Her hips, a little bony, and the top of those red panties.
Next she brings her hands up to her chest and takes hold of the front of the bra between her breasts, unhooks it and peels it back to expose her small but beautifully formed boobs. Brown nipples, bumpy areolas. There’s virtually no hang on these babies, just A-cup titties standing proud.
Then it’s the panties ... Thumbs in either side at the hip, and slipped down her legs, exposing her clean-shaven pussy - over her knees, calves, ankles, shoes and off ... And there she is ... Naked apart from her high heels. Standing there. Slim. Skinny even. Looking very fragile. Waiting...
We hear Charley say, “Say something...”
Rebecca raises her arms with a little shrug ... Looking straight into camera. “I’m just ... Erm ... I’m just a girl ... Waiting for a dog ... To ... Errrr ... Fuck me, I suppose...”
“We’re very close...” Continues Charley. “How does that make you feel?”
Rebecca smiles, broad and genuine, “Very, very horny ... And very, very curious about who ... Or what ... Is going to FUCK me!”
Then we hear the large loading door clank and scrape and it begins to wind open. Rebecca looks toward the sound, and we cut to the doorway in time to see...
A dog ... A big dog! A scary looking big dog with short brown hair and a fierce set of jaws.
Charley introduces the beast in voice-over, “Ladies and gentlemen ... A new favourite ... A Kumaon Mastiff – an Indian fighting dog. Very rare. This one rarer still – because he’s not been trained to fight – he’s been trained to fuck! This is Cedric...”
A chain leads from his collar to his owner’s brown hand. We don’t see any more of the owner than his hand and his legs. This series is all about the dog and the girl ... The owners are no longer of interest.
Cedric pulls against the grip on his chain – wanting to get at this little lady ... Her naked body, pale and slim ... He can’t wait to get at it.
Rebecca stands waiting, playing with her boobs as she watches the beast approaching her. One hand snakes down from her boob, over her flat belly and between her thighs, fingers rubbing her pussy. “Oh, I’ve got something special for you!” She says with a smile, casting a little glance up to camera to make sure we got that.
She bends forward to greet him, patting and stroking his head and neck with one hand whilst the other stays between her thighs – the tips of a couple of fingers running up and down her wet slot.
“He’s going to fuck me...” She looks up to the camera again and smiles, then looks right at the dog. “You’re going to fuck me, aren’t you?” She smiles at him. “You’re going to fuck me hard...” She laughs.
She takes her pussy wetted fingers and holds them under the dog’s nose – he sniffs and immediately reacts positively, his interest doubling in a split second, licking her hand and wagging his tail.
“Does that smell nice?” She asks as she steps astride his back. “I’m so wet for you...” She bends forward, holding those pussy smelling fingers infront of his nose, letting him sniff and lick them as she bends her legs, lowering her pussy a few inches down toward him...
Then Cedric switches from fingers to pussy ... A frenzy of wet, sloppy licks – immediately bringing tears of joy and a yelp of pleasure from the little half-Asian lady as pleasure shoots through her body. She struggles to stay on her feet as the beast goes to town on her cunt. His wide, warm and wet tongue sweeping along her pussy lips, between them, 3-4 inches inside her, then out over her clit on every one of his numerous fast licking strokes. It’s almost too much for her – and she hasn’t even seen his cock yet...
We have ... A low camera angle of the licking tracks away to under the dog’s belly, to the tip and first couple of inches of his massive member, already poking out of his sheath ... Almost big enough to use already, and it’s getting bigger!
Meanwhile, up above, Rebecca is doing everything she can to keep her thin legs under control – her knees buckling, thigh muscles straining to keep her on her feet. Her mouth open in a look of surprise – she expected good, she didn’t expect amazing. That tongue continues to drag over and through her pussy, hot and wet against her clit. She’s got one hand up against one of her tits, squeezing hard, the other down on the dog’s back, making a fist around his fur.
Breathing short, fast breaths ... Holding herself together ... Chest heaving ... Nipples standing on end ... Back bent and held in a strange position ... Then...
Then ... Spasms ... Gasps ... A squeal – long and high pitched, her mouth wide open, her eyes bright ... Huge smile ... The best orgasm she’s ever had...
And then her legs give out from under her and she tumbles backwards down onto the bed, feet still on the floor, falling backward until she is flat on the mattress.
Cedric tries to follow her so he can continue licking her pussy, but she jams her thighs together and covers up with both hands. Her arms straight down her front, pushing her tits together – the closest she gets to having cleavage.
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We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us like a perverted version of Supergirl ... She smiles at us, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea level over the Severn Estuary, between Wales (with a cartoonish huge flag waving on the coast, and the south-west coast of England, with...
Series 5, Episode 10: Alison Latham (47) – Wolverhampton We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole country in one shot. Then our very cartoonish, top heavy and slutty caricature of Charley appears infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” Then she waves for us to follow her, turns and skydives toward the country below at...
Footage through a car window, looking out at a twilight sky and a virtually empty motorway ahead ... There’s a car in the distance ahead of us, an occasional car or truck coming the other way, passing us at speed, nothing like you’d expect from a busy rush hour motorway. Then we’re looking down at the driver from a high angle, corner mounted GoPro. The driver, as you’d expect, is the cleavage heavy, filthy looking pornstar-esque Charley Ozvik, the face of the British bestiality business, and...
Series 5, Episode 7: Asha Goyal We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our host, Charley, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth...
With series 12 completed, we roll straight through into series 13 - the same hosts, doing the same things all over again ... Aren’t we getting bored of this yet? Well, it appears not ... So... We start this week’s show with establishing shots of quiet suburban streets – semi-detached homes, very middle class and safe... And then, stepping into frame from the side, moving from behind the camera to infront - this week’s host ... Still the nation’s least likely sex symbol – short, fat,...
Series 6, Episode 11 – Janine Saunders (18), from Birmingham We fade in on a nice townhouse in a nice neighbourhood – then we cut to inside the house and see our hostess – Charley – sitting at her desk, a large computer editing suite laid out infront of her (big computer, multiple screens, etc.) She appears to be editing an episode of ‘The United Kingdom of Zoo’ as we watch, although there’s nothing sexual on screen at the moment, just a young couple walking a large Alsatian. Charley turns...
As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
We open with our beautiful animated shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Then our cartoon, top heavy tattooed version of Charley appears, floating in the sky with us, winking and smiling - then waving for us to follow her as she turns and falls toward the country at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit toward the northern part of England, all the way down to a large old city of Sheffield right in the middle, in just a few seconds. Our animated Charley leads us all the...
Series 9, Episode 16: Sienna Triosi (24), from Ipswich We open with a shot of a very boring, street two-up two-down terraced houses. Small paved front yards provide off street parking for a couple of small cars each. And then, walking up the street toward us – the chunky figure of our favourite Cockney wideboy, Dennis, and beside him the sleek, narrow figure of his mean looking, hard-loving, but ultimately very well-behaved Doberman, Casanova. We track backwards as he walks – keeping him...
Series 3, Episode 10: Stacy On one side of the street a row of pre-War three-story buildings – shopfront downstairs, residential apartment/flats above. On the other side of the street, modern four/five level office buildings, and an old train station with a sign outside that reads, “Welcome to Enfield Chase”. We’re in North London to meet our next subject, and she’s a subject who’s worth meeting. Back to those shopfronts – one in particular – Hair By Hottinger. A modest hair and beauty...
Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...
Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...
We’re cruising along a wide and quiet suburban street. Green lawns stretch back from the pavement to the nice semi-detached homes. There’s a slim woman walking a large dog along the side of the road, and we pan around to look at her as we pass – it’s no-one we know, but we kind of wish we did! Then we’re looking forward again – seeing an intersection infront of us ... Then pulling up, looking out of the side window right at a single story, flat-roofed building. A sign outside reads,...